Subj: Bear Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 29 jokes and articles)
Walking Bear
from
Billy'S MovinG PictureS
| >>>
Subj: Bear Jokes (Gz) (Includes 29 jokes and articles) |
|
Walking Bear from Billy'S MovinG PictureS |
Also see ASCII ART I - 'Teddy
Bear'
BAR_ANIMALS - 'Panda
Goes To A Bar'
Dating3 file - 'Teddy Bears
And Sex'
ELDERLY2 - '90-Year-Old
Geezer Has Baby'
GAMES file - 'Internet
Teddy Bears'
GENIE file - 'Three
Wishes From A Genie III'
HUNTING file - 'The
Hunter And The Fly'
......................-
'Hunter
And Bear Pray'
LAWYER1 file - 'Lawyer
And The Czechoslovakian Friend'
MATH4 file - 'PUZZLE
- Two Hunters Shoot A Bear'
MONKEY file - 'Gorilla In
A Tree'
=============================================================Top
| Subj:
A Sign Of Global Warming (S558c)
From: gordonschuk on 9/24/2007 Drawing
from AdamGrimm.com...
|
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You can view thia cute movie on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Wanna
Be A Bear??? (S275c)
From: spyda on 11/27/2001
(Also see the picture 'GonnaBeABear'
in Animals2)
If you're a bear, you get to
hibernate. You do nothing but
sleep for six months. I could
deal with that. Before you
hibernate, you're supposed to
eat yourself stupid. I
could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your
children (who are the
size of walnuts) while you're
sleeping and wake to
partially grown, cute cuddly
cubs. I could definitely
deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone
knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers
your cubs. If your cubs get
out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS
you to wake up
growling. He EXPECTS that
you will have hairy legs and
excess body fat.
I want to be a bear.
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Subj: The
Atheist And The Bear (S139, S345b)
From: gheckman on 3/24/2001
(Also see 'Hunter
And Bear Pray' in HUNTING-CAMPING)
An atheist was taking a walk
through the woods, admiring
all that the "Accident of Evolution"
had created. "What
majestic trees! What powerful
rivers! What beautiful
animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking along the river
he heard rustling in the
bushes. As he turned,
he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging him.
He ran as fast as he could up
the path. He looked over
his shoulder and saw that the
bear was closing in. He tried
to run faster, so scared that
tears were coming to his eyes.
He looked over his shoulder
again, and the bear was even
closer. His heart was
pumping frantically as he tried to
run faster, but he tripped and
fell.
He rolled over to pick himself
up and saw the bear right on
top of him raising his paw to
kill him. At that instant he
cried out "Oh my God!"
Just then, time stopped.
The bear froze, the forest was
silent, the river even stopped.
A bright light shone on the
man, and a voice came out of the
sky saying, "You deny my existence
all these years, teach
others I don't exist and credit
my creation to a cosmic
accident, and now you expect
me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count
you as a believer?"
The atheist, ever proud, looked
to the light and said, "It
would be hypocritical to ask
to be a Christian after all
these years, but could you make
the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
As the light went out, the river
ran, and the sounds of
the forest continued, the bear
put his paw down. The bear
then brought both paws together,
bowed his head and said,
"Lord, for this food which I
am about to receive, I thank
you."
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Subj: Family
Goes Camping And Meets Bear (S191)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com 9/27/00
Dewayne, his wife, and Dewayne's
mother-in-law went camping
over the 4th of July weekend.
Dewayne's wife announced that
her mother had been gone from
her stroll in the woods way too
long.
So the two of them went looking for her.
After a while they spotted a
gigantic, ferocious grizzly bear
squared off with the mother-in-law!
Immediately her daughter said
to her husband, in a frantic
voice, "Dewayne you got'ta do
something, or there’s gonna be
blood shed fer sure!"
Dewayne calmly said, "Now look,
honey, the bear got himself
into it..."
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Subj: Two
Foreign Scientists Study Grizzlys (S170, S417)
From: zeise on 5/3/00
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian
scientist had spent
their lives studying the grizzly
bear. Each year they
petitioned their respective
governments to allow them to go to
Yellowstone to study the bears.
Finally their request was
granted, and they immediately
flew out to Yellowstone.
They reported to the ranger station
and were told that it was
the grizzly mating season and
it was too dangerous to go out
and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only
chance and finally the rangers
relented.
The Russian and the Czech were
given portable phones and told
to report in every day.
For several days they called in, and
then nothing was heard from
the two scientists. The rangers
mounted a search party and found
the camp completely ravaged
with no sign of the missing
scientists.
They followed the trail of a
male and a female bear. They
found the female and decided
they must kill the animal to
find out if she had eaten the
scientist because they feared
an international incident.
They killed the female animal
and opened the stomach to find
the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other
and said, "You know what this
means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded, "Of
course, the Czech is in the
male."
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Subj: Pandamonium
(S169, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 4/24/00
Chin-Chin the panda was on trial
for entering a New York
City restaurant, eating dinner,
pulling out a machine gun,
and shooting out the windows
and doors.
The judge looked at Chin-Chin's
lawyer and proclaimed,
"Thirty eyewitnesses saw your
client pay for dinner, shoot
up the place, and leave.
Security cameras caught the
entire incident on video.
I have no choice but to sentence
your client ..."
"Wait a second, your honor,"
said the lawyer, "My client may
be guilty, but there are extenuating
circumstances. He could
not help his behavior that night,
and if you look up the word
'panda' in the dictionary, you'll
have no choice but to agree."
The judge was puzzled, but he
had his secretary bring his
dictionary into court.
There, under the letter P, he found;
"PANDA: Black and white
bear from China that eats shoots and
leaves."
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Subj: Polar
Bear Walks Into A Bar (S158)
From: KMacinty on 02/07/2000
A Polar bear walks into a bar
and says to the bartender,
"I'll have a gin
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and tonic".
The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"
Bear says, "I dunno...I've always had them."
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Subj: Two
Guys Chased By A Bear
From: auntieg on 98-05-12
Two guys are out hiking. All
of a sudden, a bear starts
chasing them. They climb
a tree, but the bear starts
climbing up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his
sneakers out of his knapsack
and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are
you doing?" He says,
"I figure when the bear gets
close to us, we'll jump down
and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you
crazy? You can't outrun
a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't
have to outrun the *bear*... I
only have to outrun *you*."
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Subj: Camping
Alert (S63, S400b)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #89 on 98-04-11
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/23/2004
In light of the rising frequency
of human/grizzly bear
conflicts, the Montana Department
of Fish and Game is
advising hikers, hunters, and
fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert for
bears while in the field.
"We advise that outdoorsmen wear
noisy little bells on
their clothing so as not to
startle bears that aren't
expecting them. We also
advise outdoorsmen to carry
pepper spray with them in case
of an encounter with a
bear.
Prevention hint:
"It is also a good idea to watch
out for fresh signs
of bear activity. Outdoorsmen
should recognize the
difference between black bear
and grizzly bear shit.
Black bear shit is smaller and
contains lots of berries
and squirrel fur. Grizzly
bear shit has little bells
in it and smells like pepper."
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Subj:
Camping Alert II (S501)
From: danschu63 on 8/22/2006 |
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Subj: Bear
And Rabbit Take A Shit (S01, S515)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/11/2003
A bear is walking through the
forest. He comes to a meadow
which is absolutely perfect.
There are butterflies, and
bees and a gorgeous old oak
tree in the middle. Under the
oak is a rabbit taking a dump.
The scene is a perfect inspiration
for the old bear. He
saunters over to the rabbit,
haunches down, and takes a dump
too.
The bear looks down at the rabbit
and says "do you have the
problem of shit sticking to
your fur?"
The rabbit looks up at the bear and replies "No, never!"
The bear leans over grabs the
rabbit and wipes his ass and
walks off.
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Subj: Bear
Goes To A Bar (S174, S349b)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-08-22
and
From: JBCARY1 on 10/7/2003
A bear walks into a bar in Billings,
Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his
paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and
says, "We don't serve beer to
bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands
again that he be served a
beer.
The bartender tells him again,
more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears
in bars in Billings."
The Bear says, "Bartender, see
that broad at the end of the
bar?"
"You mean the beautiful babe
with the big boobs in the blue
blouse?"
"Yeah, now bring me a beer or that broad'll be my brunch!"
"I'm sorry, we don't serve beers
to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings."
So the Bear walks down the bar,
creeps up behind the woman,
and [*CHOMP*] eats her whole.
"Now," says the Bear, "bring
me my beer!"
The bartender states, "Sorry,
we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears that are on drugs
in bars in Billings."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
*Insert Big Groan Here*
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Subj: Hunter
Hunts Bear, Bear Fucks Hunter (S252b, S462)
From Bawdy.Net Collage #26
and
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/2/2005
A man goes bear hunting.
He gets up at the crack of dawn
and is looking over the bear
trail and sure enough, the sun
comes up and he sees this bear.
He squeezes off a round.
Dirt flies. A twig falls
off a tree and stuff like that.
He goes running down the hill,
looking all over the place,
but he can not find the bear
anywhere. Next thing he knows,
he feels a tap on his shoulder
and behind him is the bear.
The bear looks at him and says
"You're new here, aren't you
pal? We have some rules
here. One of them is that if you
shoot at me and miss, I get
to make love to you." The guy
bends over and the bear has
his way with the hunter.
The man wants revenge.
He goes to a gun shop and gets the
biggest gun he can buy and a
clip of bullets and goes back
to the hill and sees the bear
the next morning. He shoots
- boom, boom, boom. Small
trees are falling over the place.
Little boulders are flying.
He walks down to the bottom of
the hill, but he can't see the
bear. He feels a tap on his
shoulder and it's the bear.
The bear says, You know the
routine. Bear does it to him
again.
The man is red with rage.
That night he goes to the army-
navy store to buy an anti-aircraft
gun. He spends all
night up on the hill, mounting
that sucker down. Sure
enough, at the crack of dawn,
the bear comes down the hill
and he lets it fly. Boulders
are shooting 150 feet in the
air. Trees are falling
over. Dust is flying everywhere.
The guy tiptoes down the hill
to look for the bear. He
can't find the bear anywhere.
The bear taps him on the
shoulder and says, "Hey, pal,
are you sure you're here for
the hunting?"
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Subj: Three
Bears Go To Court (S155, S425)
From: ipkis on 97-11-20
and
From: RFSlick on 01/20/2000
The three bears had been having
some trouble recently and had
ended up in family court.
Momma and Poppa bear were splitting
up, and baby bear had to decide
who he was going to live with.
The judge wanted to talk to baby
bear to see what he thought
about living with either of
his parents. When he asked baby
bear about living with his father,
baby bear said "No, I can't
live with Poppa bear, he beats
me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you
want to live with your mother,
right?" "No way!" replied baby
bear, "She beats me worse than
Poppa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused
by this, and didn't quite know
what to do. "Well, you
have to live with someone, so is there
any relatives you would like
to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my
aunt Bertha bear who lives in
Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you
well and won't beat you?" asked
the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear,
"the Chicago Bears don't
beat anybody."
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Subj: Three
Bears Come Down For Breakfast (S189, S452)
From: JOELFALLON on 09/13/2000
and
From: darrell94590 on 9/4/2005
It's a sunny morning in the Big
Forest and the Bear family
is just waking up. Baby
Bear goes downstairs and sits in
his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty! "Who's been
eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table
and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl.
It is also empty! "Who's been
eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through
the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For Pete's
sake, how many times do we
have to go through this?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody
else in the house up.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded
the dishwasher from last night
and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out into
the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper. It was
Mummy Bear who set the table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the
cat, out cleaned the litter
box, and filled the cat's water ?
food dishes. And now that
you've decided to come downstairs
and grace me with your presence
-- listen good, because I'm
only going to say this one more
time -- I haven't made the
fucking porridge yet!!
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Subj: Short
Bear Jokes
| Subj:
A Wild Polar Bear (S591b)
From: tom on 5/15/2008 |
 |
 |
Subj:
The Bear And The Bridge (S579)
From: darrellvip on 2/13/2008 |
| Subj:
Polar Bear Attack (S564b)
From: gordonschuk on 10/21/07 |
 |
 |
Subj:
16 Chinese Baby Pandas (S525c)
From: edapsmas on 2/4/2007 |
| Subj:
Baby Polar Bear At Berlin Zoo (S538b)
From: darrell94590 on 5/9/2007 |
 |
 |
Subj:
The Polar Bear Blessing (S532b)
From: darrell94590 on 5/9/2006 |
| Subj:
The REAL Cause Of Global Warming (S531b)
From: RDOBRY on 3/21/2007 |
 |
Top
Subj: How
Do You Catch a Bear? (S154)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 01/14/2000
Solution: First you dig a hole
and fill it up with ashes.
Then you take some peas and
and put it around the hole and
when the bear comes to take
a pea you kick him in the ash
hole.
Polar bears are left handed.
From: FrankRoesc on 5/10/99
A polar bear's skin is black.
Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
From: igiggle on 1/12/2006 (S469b)
If you're goin' to be a bear...
be a grizzly! -- Gene Sturlin
Q: Why don't Mr. and Mrs. Smokey
Bear have any children?
A: Every time she gets hot,
he hits her over the head
with a shovel and
throws dirt on her.
Q: Why did God make only one
Yogi Bear?
A: When he tried to make a second
one he made a Boo-Boo. -- Bob M.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06
Q: What does a girl from a trailer
park and a bear have in common?
A: They both lick their paws.
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bear from
Smiley_Central |