Subj: Large Cat Jokes
(Includes 23 jokes and articles, 13765,11,cf)
Animated GIFs Collection
Also see MATH4 file - 'PUZZLE
- Seven Puzzles'
MONKEY file - 'Mime Wears A Gorilla Suit'
OTHER ANIMALS- 'A Lion In The London Zoo'
RABBIT file - 'Rabbit Running Through Forrest'
PSYCHOLOGY - 'How You See Yourself - Picture'
WORDJOKES1 - 'Getting A Mynah Bird From Lions'
Lion Hugs Woman (S563b)
From: rfslick on 11/8/2007
This 1,500 Kb movie shows a lion
hugging and kissing
a woman. To view it on my web site, click 'HERE'.
Subj: The Lion Tamer (S595b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/12/2008
Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says, "I'm going to
become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy,
you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this.
When one of those lions comes
at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair
they all carry, and I
stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes
that big paw, and hooks
the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out
of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip
they all carry, and I whip
him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites
that whip with his big
teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they
all carry, and I shoot
"Well, what if that gun doesn't
work? What will you do
"Well, then I pick up some of
the crap that's on the bottom
of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
"Well, what if there ain't no
crap in the bottom of the
cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause
if that lion comes at me, and
he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip
in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some
crap on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
Subj: The Dog And The Leopard (S229, S723)
From: thebartend on 6/14/2001
and From: email@example.com on 11/24/2010
A wealthy man decided to go on
a safari in Africa. He took
his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is
lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Oh Damn, I'm
in deep shit now." (He was an
Irish Setter)..... Then he noticed some bones on the ground
close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about
to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Jesus, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there
are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts
his attack in mid stride, as
a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the
trees. "Whew", says the leopard, "That was close. That dog
nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been
watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to
good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So,
off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
(Irish paranoia) The monkey soon catches up with the
leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a
fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see
what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard
coming with the monkey on his
back, and thinks "What the hell am I going to do now?" But
instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just
when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's
that damn monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him
off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's
still not back!!"
True Love Never Dies (S589c and S607b)
From: darrellvip on 5/1/2008
and From: edbabcock on 8/24/2008
The first attachment is a still
photo. The second attachment
is a video. There's no sound, but look at the picture first
and then watch the video.
These 2 guys reared this lion
from a baby in England but the
authorities would not allow them to keep it once it reached
maturity so they were forced to give it up, they took it back
to Africa and placed it in a wildlife sanctuary, a year later
they went to see it and were told it would not remember them.
Click 'HERE'to see the picture and view the video.
You can see a second, totally
different video of this lions
release into the African wilderness by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Circus Needs Lion Tamer (S149, S765)
From: ft.apache on 9/30/2009
and From: firstname.lastname@example.org on 9/6/2011
A circus owner runs an ad for
a lion tamer and two young people
show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the
other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them,
"I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both
better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a
chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the
whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The
lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she
throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her
and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves,
kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on
the floor. He remarks, "I've
never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to
the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young
man, "just get that lion out
of the way."
Subj: Tiger Lick Ass (DU)
Two tigers are stalking one behind
the other in the jungle
when the second tiger leans forward and licks the one in front
on the ass.
The first tiger says "hey, stop that!".
Five minutes later, more stalking,
the second tiger licks the
first one on the ass again. Second tiger turns and gives him
one upside the head.
Five minutes later, tiger two
leans forward and licks the first
one again. Front tiger stops and says "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING
Tiger two says "sorry, I just
ate a lawyer and I can't get the
taste out of my mouth.
Subj: Man Before And After Marriage (S411, S507b)
From: JokesUncut - 02 December 2004
and From: auntiegah on 9/26/2006
Subj: Tiger And Elephant (DU)
from Humor Box 03/18/97
There was a big tiger who is
proud of him, big and strong.
He hung around the jungle and asked other animals, "Who is
the strongest in the world?",expecting the answer that he
was the strongest.
One day, the tiger met amonkey,
and asked who the strongest
was in the jungle. The monkey said, "You are the one, tiger"
and ran away. The tiger was very content again with the
answer. Later, he saw a big elepant and was somewhat
intimidated because the elephant was so big. The elephant
looked stupid to the tiger so he proudly approached to the
elephant, asked "Who is the strongest in the jungle?". The
elephant looked down to a proud tiger, and grabbed the tiger
with his big trunk, and threw the tiger into the swamp water.
The tiger came out of the water
and said with a small voice
to the elephant, "You don't have to throw me out if you don't
know the answer."
by John Graziano
From: Comics.com on 2/12/2009
Subj: Short Large Cat Jokes (DU)
Mexican Lion Guards Garage (S721)
A Blonde Antelope... (S667b in Oth-Anim-Supp)
Monkey With A Death Wish (S590b in Monkey)
From: darrellvip on 5/4/2008
Photo from Yahoo! Video...
1,000 lbs Liger (S579c)
Subj: Father And Son At The Tiger Cage (S336b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/1/2003
A father and his small son were standing in front of the
tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how
ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it
all in with a serious expression.
Dad," the boy said finally, "if
the tiger got out of his
cage and ate you up ..."
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?"
the boy finished.
The Mule And The Lion (S516b in Horse)
You are a South African bush
pilot. You fly in some critical
medical supplies and then enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital.
It's a stifling 100 degrees and you're eager to get back up
to the cool, high blue yonder. On the way back to your plane,
you discover that the only bit of shade, within 10 miles, has
become very popular... You start calculating the distance to
the plane door and wonder... "Do I feel lucky today?"
You can view the picture at the
source above, or on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
From: ossama on 98-04-18 (S64)
According to Men's Health magazine, the male lion can have
sex as often as 100 times a day. In fact, at 103 times a
day, the other animals stop calling him "King of the Jungle"
and start calling him "President of the United States."
From: auntieg 98-05-09
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
The muzzle of a lion is like
a fingerprint -
no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
From: auntieg on 98-02-12
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking
for something to eat. He came across two men. One was
sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was
typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced
on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the
king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers
From: drgolfmd on 6/8/2006 (S489b)
Two guys are chatting in a bar. One says "Did you know
that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Damn," says his friend. " and I just joined the Elks."
Q: Why do tigers live in the
A: They hate city traffic.
Q: Why don't they play poker
in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
|big cat from