Subj: Duck Jokes
(Includes 36 jokes and articles, 10 1057n,20,cif,wXT2a,16)
Cowboy Duck
from
Accent on Animation
| >>>
Subj: Duck Jokes (Includes 36 jokes and articles, 10 1057n,20,cif,wXT2a,16) |
|
Cowboy Duck from Accent on Animation |
Also see ACCIDENTS2 - 'Guys
w/New Jeep Go Duck Hunting'
BAR2 file - 'Bar
With Genie'
BARANIMALS - 'Non
Sequitur Cartoon'
......................-
'Guy
W/Three Ducks Goes To Bar'
......................-
'Duck
Goes To A Bar'
BIRDS file - 'Crow
Desperate For Sex'
BIRDS-SUPP - 'Goose
Parade In Belgium!' - Video
CARTOON file - 'Duck
Tales 045 - Lost Crown of Genghis Khan' - Video
......................-
'Donald
Duck and Minnie Mouse'
DOG1 file - 'Sick
Dog Goes To Vet'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Don't
Hit The Duck'
HUNTING-SUPP - 'Tundra
Comics' w/Ducks And Dogs'
......................-
'Tundra
Comics II'
GENIE file - 'Minnesota
Fishing Genie'
PLANE2 file - 'Instrument
Flying...'
SCHOOL-SUPP - 'Circumnavigating
The Globe'
============================================================Top
Subj: Bizarro
Cartoon (S946)
By Dan Piraro on
2/21/2015
Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/february-21-2015/
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Top
| Subj:
The Duck And The Dog (S596dwmv)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/19/2008 and 2/9/2010 |
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In this cute, WMV video, a duck
follows a puppy everywhere.
The background music is what
makes this video great. It is
'I Will Follow Him' by Little
Peggy March from April 1963.
Click 'HERE'
to view it.
Top
Subj: Ducks
Covered With Crap (S393, DU)
From: JokesUncut on 8/7/2004
A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck,
all covered with crap, crossed
her path. "Oh, dear," the lady
said, "come on, I'll clean you!"
She took a Kleenex from her purse
and whipped the duck
clean. After finishing, she
urged the duck away saying, "Be
careful next time!"
She walked on and another duck,
with crap all over it, crossed
her way.
Again, she took out a Kleenex
and cleaned the little duck. She
warned this one as well and
the duck took off. Soon after, she
encountered a third duck with
the same problem and for the third
time she tended the duck, Muttering,
"What have you all been
doing?"
She continued to walk when suddenly
she heard a voice from
the bushes. "Hey, lady!" sounded
a male voice in distress.
"Yes?" she replied.
He asked. "Do you have a Kleenex?"
"No, not anymore," she answered.
He said, "Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."
Top
Subj: Taking
Ducks To The Zoo (S308)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/10/2002
A man is driving a pick-up truck
down the road with a bunch
of ducks standing in the back.
A police officer pulls over
the driver and informs him that
he is speeding and then
asks him where does he think
he's going with all those ducks.
The driver says that he just
doesn't know what to do anymore.
The officer says, "Look, there's
a zoo not far from there
and that's where you should
be taking them. That will take
care of your problem."
The man thanks the officer and
drives off with his ducks.
The next day the officer again
sees the pick-up truck once
again speeding down the road.
This time, though, all the
ducks in the back are standing
there with sunglasses. The
officer pulls over the driver
over and says, "I thought I
told you to take them to the
zoo!"
"I did that," said the driver,
"but now they want to go to
the beach!"
Top
Subj: Little
Duck Feeding The Fish (S976d)
From: Claudia Rook on Facebook on 9/25/2015
Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/heD2e_Zv4-0
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......
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........Click
'HERE'
to watch a baby duck feed Carp.
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Top
Subj: Cock
Fighting In Louisiana (S293b)
From: coreymac on 9/10/2002
The Louisiana State Police received
reports of illegal
cock fights being held in the
area around LaFayette, and
duly dispatched the infamous
Detective Desormeaux to
investigate. He reported
to his sergeant the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Desormeaux replied confidently,
"De Aggies, de Cajuns, and
de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked,
"How did you find that out in
one night?"
"Well," was the reply, "I went
down and done seed dat cock
fight. I knowed the Aggies
was involved when a duck was
entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy
that. But what about the
others?"
Desmoreaux intoned knowingly,
"Well, I knowed de Cajuns
were involved wen summbody bet
on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant,
"And how did you deduce the
Mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
Top
Subj: Two
Men Fight Over Duck (S220b)
From: gheckman on 2/9/2001
A big-city California lawyer
went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird,
but it fell into a farmer's field
on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the
fence, an elderly farmer drove
up on his tractor and asked
him what he was doing. The
litigator responded, "I shot
a duck and it fell in this field,
and now I'm going in to retrieve
it."
The old farmer replied. "This
is my property, and you are not
coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I
am one of the best trial
attorneys in the U.S. and, if
you don't let me get that duck,
I'll sue you and take everything
you own."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know
how we do things in Texas.
We settle small disagreements
like this with theTexas Three-Kick
Rule." The lawyer asked,
"What is the Texas three-Kick
Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first
I kick you three times and
then you kick me three times,
and so on, back and forth,
until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought
about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily
take the old codger. He agreed
to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed
down from the tractor and
walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the
toe of his heavy work boot into
the lawyer's groin and
dropped him to his knees. His
second kick nearly wiped the
man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his
belly when the farmer's third
kick to a kidney nearly
caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit
of his will and managed to
get to his feet and said, "Okay,
you old coot now it's my
turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up. You can
have the duck."
| Subj:
Two Men Fight Over Duck II (S641c,d)
..........From: mauryschu on 4/24/2009 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/5WVTqiDdqgQ |
 |
When Buddy Hackett appeared on
the Johnny Carson Show,
he told a joke about a hunter,
a farmer and a duck.
Click 'HERE'
to see Buddy Hackett tell these funny,
old classic jokes.
Top
Subj: The
Laws Of Ducks (S129)
From: smiles on 7/13/99
Duck Law No. 1
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a
duck and cooks like a duck, it's a duck.
Restatement: All things are known by their attirbutes.
Duck Law No. 2
Even under ideal circumstances, no duck, no matter how
noble or well-intentioned, can be an eagle.
Restatement: All things must be what they are.
Duck Law No. 3
A duck can pretend to be an eagle except in times of
adversity.
Restatement: Pretense and adversity are inversely
proportional; adversity reveals the true nature of all
things.
Duck Law No 4
No duck may be an eagle until it abandons its webbed
feet and bill for talons and a beak.
Restatement: All things remain as they are until the
attributes that define them are abandoned. Then, and
only then, can they evolve.
Duck Law No. 5
Ducks
are noble creatures. They shall not be penalized
in the eyes of other creatures because they are not eagles.
Restatement: All things are honorable if they are what
they are honestly, even if they are different from you.
Duck Law No. 6
The greatest duck that ever was cannot cannot fly as
high as even a modest eagle.
Restatement: If one would soar with eagles, do not swim
with ducks.
Duck Law No. 7
Ducks flock. Eagles fly alone. Ducks and eagles never
mingle.
Restatement: Choose company wisely.
Duck Law No. 8
A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
Restatement: Sometimes there is no answer.
Top
Subj: Five
Doctors Go Duck Hunting (DU)
From: RFSlick on 98-06-21
Five doctors went duck shooting
one day. Included in the
group were a GP, a pediatrician,
a psychiatrist, a surgeon
and a pathologist, After a time,
a bird came winging overhead.
The first to react was the GP
who raised his shotgun, but
then hesitated. "I'm not quite
sure it's a duck," he said,
"I think that I will have to
get a second opinion." And of
course by that time, the bird
was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the
sky there after. This time
the pediatrician drew a bead
on it. He too, however, was
unsure if it was really a duck
in his sights and besides,
it might have babies.
"I'll have to do some more
investigations," he muttered,
as the creature made good
its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was
the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
Shotgun shouldered, he was more
certain of his intended
prey's identity. "Now,
I know it's a duck, but does it know
it's a duck?" The fortunate
bird disappeared while the fellow
wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally a fourth fowl sped past
and this time the surgeon's
weapon pointed skywards.
BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his
smoking gun and turned nonchalantly
to the pathologist beside
him. "Go see if that was a duck,
will you?
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Subj:
Duck Feeds Fish (S684d)
From: Wimp.com on 2/22/2010 At: http://www.wimp.com/duckfish/ |
In this short video, a baby duck
feeds koi in a pond.
Click 'HERE'
to see this heart-warming story.
Top
Subj: Two
Brain Surgeons Go Duck Hunting (S66, S529b)
From: Anaise on 98-05-03
(Also see 'Guys w/New Jeep Go Duck Hunting' in ACCIDENTS)
From a radio program, a true
report of a happening in
Michigan, USA. A guy buys
brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee
for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly
payments. He and a
friend go duck hunting and of
course all the lakes are
frozen. These two Atomic Brains
go to the lake with the
guns, the dog, the beer and
of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake
ice and get ready. Now,
they want to make some kind
of a natural landing area for
the ducks, something for the
decoys to float on. In order
to make a hole large enough
to look like something a
wandering duck would fly down
and land on, it is going to
take a little more effort than
an ice hole drill. Out of
the back of the new Grand Cherokee
comes a stick of
dynamite with a short, 40-second
fuse.
Now these two Rocket Scientists
do take into consideration
that if they place the stick
of dynamite on the ice at a
location far from where they
are standing (and the new
Grand Cherokee), they take the
risk of slipping on the
ice when they run from the burning
fuse and possibly go up
in smoke with the resulting
blast. So, they decide to
light this 40-second fuse and
throw the dynamite. Remember
in the first paragraphs when
I mentioned the vehicle, the
beer, the guns and the dog?
Yes, the dog: A highly trained
Black Lab used for retrieving,
especially things thrown by
the owner. You guessed
it, the dog takes off at a high
rate of doggy speed on the ice
and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40-second
fuse about the time it
hits the ice. The two
men yell, scream, wave arms and
wonder what to do now.
The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs
the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded
with 8 duck shot, hardly big
enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused but continues
on. Another shot and this
time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused of course
and scared. Thinking
these two Nobel Prize winners
have gone insane. He takes
off to find cover, (with the
now really short fuse burning
on the stick of dynamite)....
under the brand new Cherokee.
BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are blown
to bits and sink to the
bottom of the lake in a very
large hole, leaving the two
candidates for Co-leaders of
the Known Universe standing
there with this "I can't believe
this happened" look on
their faces.
The insurance company says that
sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives
is not covered. He had
yet to make the first of those
$400+ a month payments.
This is an urban legend as reported
in Snopes.com at
http://www.snopes.com/critters/cruelty/dynamite.asp
Top
Subj: Duck
And The Feed Store (S121, S589b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com ON 5/27/99
A duck walks into a feed store
and asks, "Got any duck
feed?" The clerk tells
him, "No, we don't have a market
for it it so we don't carry
it." The duck says, "Okay"
and leaves.
The next day, the duck walks
in to the feed store and
asks, "Got any duck feed?"
Again the clerk says no and
the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks in,
and asks, "Got any duck
feed?" The clerk says,
"I've told you twice, we don't
have duck feed, we've never
had duck feed and we never
will have duck feed. If
you ask me again, I'll nail your
feet to the floor." The
duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks
in and asks the clerk, "Got
any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"
| Subj:
Bad Parenting (S394)
From: Imogenelumen 8/17/2004 The three JPG pictures,
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Top
Subj: A Duck Walks
Into A Drugstore 1st. Vers.
(Also see 'Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse' in CARTOON)
A duck walks into a drug store
and asks the pharmacist if you
can get AIDS from oral sex.
"Yes," the pharmacist says,
"statistically, you are more
likely to get AIDS from oral sex
than straight sex. You
should still use a condom." "OK, I'll
take one." "Will that be cash,
check, or charge?"
"Just put it on my bill."
2ed vers.
A duck walks into a drugstore
and ask for some chapstick.
"Will that be cash or charge"
inquires the clerk,
to which the duck replies "just
put it on my bill".
3rd vers.
From: DR SWITZER on 98-04-04
A duck walks into a drug store.
He goes to the counter and
asks for a box of condoms.
The pharmacist says, "OK, that
will be $5.95. Would you
like me to just put them on
your bill?"
The duck says "Hey listen pal,
I'm not that kind of duck!"
4th vers.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #26
A duck walks (OK, waddles) into
a drug store and buys a
package of condoms.
The Pharmacist says, "Cash or
would you like them on your
bill?" The duck says, "My bill?
I'm going to put them on
my dick!"
The Pharmacist then says, "That
will be $9.99 plus tax".
To which the duck responds,
"Tacks? I though they stayed
on by themselves!"
Top
Subj: Duck
Hunter And The Game Warden (S88, S384)
From: Imogenelumen on 6/6/2004
A man shot two ducks in Victoria,
Australia. As he was
walking through the swamp to
pick them up, a wildlife
ranger came up to him and said,
"Duck hunting season is
over in Victoria, and those
ducks that you shot were
victorian ducks."
"Bullshit!" said the man, "How
do you know they are
victorian ducks?"
The ranger picked up a duck and
stuck his finger up the
duck's ass and then sniffed
he's finger. "That is a
Victorian duck." he said.
"How do you know said the man."
Trust me said the ranger I'm
an expert. He picked up
the other duck and did the same
thing. "Ok," he said,
"this one is from New South
Wales, you can have this one.
I am going to have to write
you a ticket for the other one.
What's your name?"
"Bill Smith," said the man.
"And where do you live?" asked the ranger.
"Richmond," he replied.
"Richmond, Victoria or New South Wales?" asked the ranger.
The man dropped he pants bent
over and said, "You're the
bloody expert you tell me!"
 |
Subj:
Mother Duck vs. Hyena (S817d)
From: Wimp.com on 9/3/2012 |
"Animals Are Beautiful People"
is a ninety minute nature
documentary about the wildlife
in Southern Africa made in
1974. Click 'HERE'
to see an amazing scene from the film.
Top
Subj: Two
Ducks At A Restaurant (S589)
From Bawdy.Net Collage #81
A Duck took his girlfriend out
for dinner to a top class
restaurant. After finishing
the excellent meal the waiter
came over with coffee.
As the waiter was leaving the duck
caught his attention.
The waiter bent down and the duck
whispered, "Do you sell condoms
in this establishment?"
quietly into his ear.
"We certainly do." replied the waiter.
"In that case I'll have a pack
of three." said the duck.
"Would you like me to put those
on your bill?" asked the
waiter.
The duck, looking very offended,
replied, "Hey, what do you
think I am, some kind of pervert!".
Top
Subj: Duck
Word Riddle (S589c)
From: Laugh-A-Lot on 7/30/01
Source: (Removed from graceweb.org)
(Also see 'Redneck
Reading Test' in REDNECK3)
What does this say:
CDETBT Ducks?
MRNot Ducks!
OSAR, CDETBT wings?
LIB! MR Ducks!
Subj: Short
Duck Jokes
 |
Subj:
Agnes Comic Strip (S692b)
by Tony Cochran on 10/11/2009 ..........At: http://www.gocomics.com/agnes/2009/10/11 |
| Subj:
Necrophilic Mallard Ducks (S863d)
in Trivia Bits by Paul Paquet From: ContraCosta Times on 7/20/2013 |
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Photo from Creators.com |
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| Subj:
Baby Duck Slide (S909d)
Produced by Twicebaked From: Tessa Duncan on Facebook |
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Subj:
Amazing Duck Story (S605)
From: darrellvip and gayleheckman on 7/30/2008 |
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Subj:
Duck Story II (S902d)
Shown on Good Morning America, ABC News From: brucejohnsonbaugh on 4/24/2014 |
| Subj:
Photo Of A very Pretty Duck (S604c)
From: ginafm on 8/3/2008 You can see this very pretty duck by clicking 'HERE'. |
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Subj:
The Rise And Fall Of The Aflac Duck (S592c,d)
From: Lasrever on 5/24/2008 Photo from LiveLeak.com |
| Subj:.....Officer
Stops Traffic For Ducks
From: ginafm (S592b) on 5/24/2008 (in Police-Supp) |
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Subj:
Unbelievable Scam!!!! (S541b)
From: darrell94590 on 5/23/2007 |
The attached picture taken from
CTV operating in the inner city
shows the Gang in operation
can be viewed by clicking 'HERE'.
| Subj:
Stay Close To Your Family.... (S456b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/18/2005 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com) |
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Subj:
There He Stood (S447)
From: From: LABLaughsClean on 8/10/2005 ..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com) |
| Subj:
Ducks Fly South (S391)
From DafterLafter on 7/21/2004 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com) |
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Top
Subj: Duck
With A Limp (S270b)
From: jerry on 1/22/2002
A duck in a pond in Leatherhead,
Surrey in the UK has
learned to fake a limp because
it gets it more bread
than the other ducks when limping.
UK Sunday People 13-Jan-02
Top
Subj: Popsicle
Stick Riddle (S804)
From: Unilever
................Englewood
Cliffs, NJ 07632
Source: www.Popsicle.com
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..........
.
..........Click
'HERE'
to see all 22 Popsicle riddles.
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How do you start a book about
ducks?...
With an introducktion.
-- Geoff VanHerwaarden
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/16/2001
(S242)
"I find that ducks' opinion
of me is greatly influenced
by whether or not I have bread."
-- Mitch Hedberg
From: RFSlick on 98-12-09
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.
Q: Why don't ducks fly upsidedown?
A: They're afraid they'll quackup.
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-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Answer
for Duck Word Riddle (from above)
(MUST be read in Southern drawl!)
"I'll be! See the (de) iddy biddy
ducks?"
"'Em are not ducks!"
"Oh 'es 'ey (they) are! See
de iddy biddy wings?"
"'Ell (with a silent "w" NOT
an "h"!) I be! "Em ARE ducks!"
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
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.From
Smiley_Central.
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