birds-parrots

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Subj: Parrot Jokes
(Includes 27 jokes and articles, 02851,11,cf,md4,12)

Parrot from
PageWorks

Also see BLACKS2 file - 'Black Walks Into Bar W/Parrot'
         ELDERLY2 file- 'Old Man And Punk Rocker On A Bus'
         GOLF3 file   - 'A Series Of Unfortunate Events'
         JEWISH1 file - 'Three Viddishe Son's Presents For Mom'
         JEWISH2 file - 'Jewish Parrot'
         OTHER-OCCUP - 'The Carpet Layer'
         OTHER-SPORTS - 'Minnesotans Learn About New Sports'
         POLIT-Clinton- 'Clinton's Parrot Dies'
============================================================Top

Subj:     Death Metal Parrot (S669d)
          From: Wimp.com
          on 10/13/2009

Source: http://www.wimp.com/metalparrot/

In this 36 second Death Metal video, a cockatoo rocks
out to the music. Click on the above source, or 'HERE'
for my copy, to see this cute, short video.

Top
Subj:     Magician And The Parrot (S368b, S755)
          From: Grampsboyd on 2/12/2004
      and From: tom on 6/27/2011

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician
did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting
in the middle of the show:
   "Look, it's not the same hat"
   "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
   "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was,
after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately
sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician
luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it.... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any
longer and said..."OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Top
Subj: Newly Weds And The Parrot (S27)
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97

A young newly married couple inherited a parrot from an aged
relative. This parrot was very talkative, and was forever
informing visitors as to what went on in the newlyweds' home.
One evening, after a very embarassing comment from the bird,
the husband had enough and said to the parrot, "that's it!
You will be covered up much earlier in the future, and if you
take your cage cover off or embarass us again, you will be
sent to the Zoo."

A couple days later the couple were preparing for a short trip,
and as usual, the suitcase was too full to close. So the
husband said, "I'll get on top and jump up and down and you
see if you can get it."

After a bit the wife said, "This is no good. I'll get on top
and you see if you can get it."

This still did not work, and so the husband said, "Tell you
what, let's both get on top and bounce up and down - that'll
get it."

With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo
or no zoo, this I have got to see."

Top

Subj:     Parrots - Whassup Movie (S458b,d)
          From: darrell94590
          on 10/31/2005

In this cute, thirty second Budweiser commercial, several
parrots yell 'Whassup' at each other. You can watch this
WMV ad on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj: Horny Parrot Goes To Vet (S371b)
From: Grampsboyd on 2/16/2004

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches
into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother
to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he
takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have
a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and
for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on!
What are you waiting for?"

Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen
dollars. The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with
the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah!
Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens
the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the
cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all
her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you
naked, bitch. Naked

Top
Subj:     The Christmas Bird (S203)
          From: thebartend on 12/13/1999
      and From: Anaise@aol.com on 12/22/2000

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop
looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The
shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing
famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was
the shop owner's reply. The shop owner Chet began to sing:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's
right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was
filled with: "Silent Night. HolyNight..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper
and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.
When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How
beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show
you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed
it under Chet's left foot, as the shopkeeper had shown him,
and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..." The man
then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came:
"Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What
if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not
know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his
wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet
twisted his face, cleared his throat, the little parrot
sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life):
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

Top

Subj:     Einstein The Bird Brain (S420d in Movies)
          From: igiggle
          on 2/7/2005

Source1: http://media.animal.discovery.com/fansites/petstar
........../videogallery/season3/ep309_winner.html
Source2: http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=7rfGEtALHYs&vq=large
Other Einstein videos can be seen at
Source3: http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=nbrTOcUnjNY&vq=large
Spurce4: http://www.ted.com/talks/einstein_
..........the_parrot_talks_and_squawks.html

This SWF movie is absolutely amazing. It features Einstein,
the avian SUPERSTAR from Knoxville Zoo and her trainer,
Stephanie. Einstein is an African gray parrot who has a
vocabulary of more than 200 words and sounds; she can
perform more than half the time on cue. Click on either
of the top two sources, or 'HERE' for my copy, listen,
and see, Einstein the Superstar.

Top
Subj: Parrot Speaks Any Language (S115)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #296 ON 4/12/99

A man wanted to buy a parrot, so he goes to the pet shop
and enquires about their stock. The attendant shows him a
parrot which is quite exceptional in that it speaks any
language you want. Intrigued by this, the man decides to
test the bird by asking it a few questions:

M: "Do you speak English?"
P: "Yes."
M: "Hablas Espanol?"
P: "Si!"
M: "Parlez vouz Francaise?"
P: "Oui!"
M: "Sprechen sie Deutsch?"
P: "Jawohl!"
M: "Falas Portugues?"
P: "Sim."
etc.

After all his options were exhausted, the man thought for
a while, then asked the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?"

The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says: "Nu? Mit a nose
like dis, vot you tink?"

Top
Subj: Farmer's Parrot Screws Turkeys (S104)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #281 on 99-01-24

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a
relative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws
the next door neighbors turkeys and rushes back home, but
not before being caught in the act.

The next door neighbors knock on the door and explain what
the Parrot has been doing. The owners of the parrot reprimand
him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the
parrots head.

That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and
screws his neighbors turkeys again. The next morning the
owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.

The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and
in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot,
they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punish-
ment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to
sit in the church.

The parrot is doing fine. "Grooms side to the left and Brides
side to the right". Until two bald guys walk in and he says,
"And you two Turkey Fuckers up on the piano with me!!!"

Top

Subj: Cockatoo, This Bird Has Rhythm! (S612c,d)
From: darrellvip on 10/2/2008

This dancing Cockatoo is very cute. Click 'HERE' to view it.

Top
Subj: Parrot Goes To Whore House (S93)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #272 on 98-11-09

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for
your birthday?" Smitty says, "I want to get laid."

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a
hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking
parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and
squawking, so he runs upstairs and in to the room.

There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking
out her colorful feathers. Harry says, "Smitty, what the
hell are you doing?"

Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude."

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Subj:     Parrot From A Whore House (S57, S453)
          From: RFSlick on 98-02-17
      and From: darrell94590 on 9/18/2005
          (See 'Clinton's Parrot Dies' in POLIT-CLINTON)

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her
company at home. She decided she would like to find a
beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as, say, a
dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a
pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The
owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't
more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at
her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird
used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar
stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner
sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's
cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New
house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teen-
age daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird,
it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to
laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot
had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came
home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith."

Top

Subj:     Parakeet Uses DHL (S565c,d)
          From: ginafm
          on 11/18/2007

Source: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/5005/dhl_parrot/

This is a cute, short DHL International Express Freight
commercial from Australia. In it, the parakeet air ships
the cat to a new home. Click on the above source, or 'HERE'
for my copy, to see this cute, silly ad.

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Subj: Three Nuns And A Talking Parrot
From: humorlist-digest V2 #168 on 98-07-07

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them
from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood
at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they
passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three
sequential colors.

One day, they heard "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns
noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their
underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns,
but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in
front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black,
black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!.
One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to
trick that bird."

Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them
should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no
underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a
bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was
perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke: "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

Top
Subj:     Three Parrots For Sale
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98
          (See 'Three High Priced Parrots' in this file)

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner
points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and
says: "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the
parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says
"Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told
that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the
other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that
will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about
the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless
to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which
the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a
damn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

Top

Subj: Golfing Parrot (S536b,d)
From: edapsmas on 4/27/2007

This cute video is a parrot does tricks on command.
You can view it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Three High Priced Parrots (S54)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #23 on 98-01-24
          (Also see 'Buying A Monkey From A Pet Shop' in COMPUTERS2
            and see 'Three Parrots For Sale' in this file)

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner
points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and
says: "the parrot on the left costs $5,000.00." "Why does
the parrot cost so much?" asks the man.

The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this
one costs $15,000 because it can do everything the other
parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating
system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about
the third parrot to be told that it costs $30,000. Needless
to say this begs the question "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen
him do a thing but the other two call him boss!".

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Subj:     Parrot Named Moses And The Burglar (S306, S623c)
          From: gheckman on 12/11/2002
      and From: ginafm on 12/15/2008

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his
flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he
picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, dis-
embodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit,
he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation
after his next big score, then clicked the light back
on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he
pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on
a parrot...

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just
trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would
name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of
people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."

Top

Subj: Christmas Dinner - Audio (S624d)
From: darrellvip on 12/27/2008
Drawing from HowStuffWorks.com

(Also see 'Three Viddishe Son's Presents For Mom' in Jewish1)

This is a cute, audio joke about a parrot done with pictures
in a video clip. Click 'HERE' to see and hear it.

Top
Subj:     A Man And A Parrot On A Plane (S285b)
          From: Lots of Jokes on 7/24/01
      and From: BennoRo on 7/14/2002

A man boards a plane, and sitting next to him is a parrot.
Shortly thereafter, the stewardess asks the man if he
would like something to drink.

"Yes, coffee, please." the man answered.

"And a whiskey for me, ya dumb bitch!" squawked the parrot.

Clearly shaken, the woman returns with the parrot's whiskey,
but without the coffee.

"Excuse me, miss," began the man, "but you forgot my coffee."

"Yes, sir, I'll get it right now." answered the stewardess.

"And another whiskey, ya fuckin' slut!" squawked the parrot.

Again, shaken, the stewardess returns with whiskey, but
without the man's coffee.

The man was quite irritated. "Look," he began. " I've tried
to be nice, but it seems I'll have to treat you as the
parrot here has. Get my damn coffe before I kick your fat
ass! NOW!"

The woman scurried off, but soon returns with two enormous
security guards. The three escorted the man and parrot to
the emergency exit, where they were promptly ejected at
35,000 feet.

On the way down, the parrot turned to the man and said,
"You sure got balls for someone who can't fly!"

Subj:     Swearing Parrot (S243b, S620b)
          From: Ricky W. on 11/19/04
      and From: tom on 11/24/2008

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears
like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for
five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble
is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and
the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the
bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT
IT!"

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the
bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird
and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him
out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that
would make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into
the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible
din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly
gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that
the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence,
he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and
says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do
my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is
astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over
the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the
CHICKEN DO?"

Top

Subj: Kakapo - The Bird That Can't Fly (S851d)
From: Mel's Video of the Day on 5/2/13
Drawing from EtonNHM.com...

Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Opv8vZ6RvB0&vq=large
Source2: http://www.coolestone.com/media/5743/
..........Kakapo---The-Bird-That-Cant-Fly--Hilarious-/

Last chance to see is a series following Stephen Fry and Mark
Carwardine re-tracing Douglas Adams track on a trip around
the world to get what could possibly be a last look at some
of the most endangered species on the planet. The combined
wit of Stephen Fry and the knowledge of Mark Carwardine makes
for some compelling and entertaining viewing. The infamous
scene where Stephen Fry and Mark Carwardine meet the rare
parrot the Kakapo for the first time in daylight. The Kakapo
seems to take a liking to Mark and leaves an impression.
Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see
this bizarre encounter with this rare Kakapo parrot.

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Subj:     Swearing Parrot Meets Christian Parrots (S187, S607b)
          From: crtoth516 on 08/29/2000
      and From: ginafm on 8/21/2008

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they
only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may
have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can
teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be
the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots
in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads
away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

Top
Subj:     Parrot With No Legs (S372b, S545)
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-12
      and From: hellgunner50 on 6/25/2007

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes
to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot
sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this
parrot?"

The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot
actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you
hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but
since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis
around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't
see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer,
can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics,
religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially
good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great
companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. "I can't
afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one
wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You
can get me for $20, just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything,
sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says,
"Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes
up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you
this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife
and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door
today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed
him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the
nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the
parrot. "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his
knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts
slowly going down and down..."

The parrot pauses for a long time ...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the parrot, "My dick got hard and I
fell off my perch."

Subj: Short Parrot Jokes

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Subj:     A One Winged Cockatoo (S522)
          From: edapsmas
          on 1/17/2007

Source: http://www.juliusbergh.com/cocky/
This is a four page true story about love, compassion,
friendship, and loyalty. You can see it at the source
above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     B.C. Comic Strip (731)
          By Johnny Hart (1931-2007)
          From: Creators.com on 1/14/2011
Source: http://comics.washingtonpost.com/11_comics_bc.html
.

.

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Subj:     The Death Of A Parrot GIF (S510b)
          From: darrell94590
          on 11/1/2005

This animated GIF is a cute little pun. You can view it
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

From: igiggle on 4/12/2005 (S429b in Political2)
When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.
-- Sir Winston Churchill

The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without
turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
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.............................Parrot from Smiley_Central
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