| Subj:
Jokes About Bugs, Spiders, Snails & Etc. (Gz)
..........(Includes 55 jokes and articles) Includes The Following: The
Fly (S563b)
|
|
Also see BIRDS file - 'The
Buzzard, Bat, And Bumblebee'
BLACKS1 file - 'The
Ant And The Grasshopper'
CARS2 file - 'Dick
Hits Pickup Windshield'
DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Killing
Bees'
DRINKING file- 'The Ant'
EDEN file - 'The
First Time Adam And Eve Have Sex'
ELDERLY1 file- 'Worms
can Teach You Something'
FACTS3 file - 'New
Airport Managers'
FOOTBALL - 'Animal
Football'
HALLOWEEN - 'Snail
Costume'
HOOKER file - 'Farmer's
Son's First Time At Brothel'
Ig Nobel file- 'Biology
Prize'
IRISH1 file - 'Englishman,
Irishman, & Scotsman In A Bar'
MAILMAN file - 'Snail
Mail'
MATH4-SUPP - 'Math
Prob. - How Many Ants?'
OTHER PPS - 'Extraordinary
Nature Photos'
POLICE2 file - 'Trooper
Stops Farmer'
RELIGION2 - 'Lot
And His Wife'
SEX2 file - 'Waiting
For You...'
SEX3 file - 'Jane
Meets Tarzan'
SHIT file - 'Fly
Eats Cow Manure'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
The Fly (S563b)
From: darrellvip on 11/8/2007 |
 |
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Subj: Spider
Webs Explained (S468b)
From: igiggle on 1/6/2006
A spiders web is made of two
types of silk, one sticky and
the other not. The spider begins
the web with the non-sticky
silk and forms the "spokes".
After the frame is constructed
and secure, the spider goes
back with the sticky silk and
completes the web design we
are so familiar with, connecting
spoke to spoke. They will
also add rows connecting the spokes
to allow them access for web
maintenance.
Spend time watching a spider
and you will see that they pain-
stakingly avoid the sticky silk
and walk on the spokes. Should
the spider be startled and walk
in the sticky silk it will
affix to the spider the same
as it would you or any thing else.
Spiders recycle their webbing,
so a spider that gets stuck in
its own web may eat its way
out.
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Subj: The
Sex Of A Fly (S270, S532)
From: RFSlick on 4/1/2002
and
From: darrell94590 on 3/28/2007
A woman walked into the kitchen
to see her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter.
"Good hunting today?" she ventured.
"Yup," he answered proudly. "Three males and two females."
"Reveal to me, oh, great one,
how you could tell the sex
of a fly you killed."
"Three were on the beer can; two were on the phone."
\\\//
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Subj: Licking
Envelopes (S221)
From: h2oman19 on 4/25/2001
(See 'The
Ultimate Urban Legend' in STORIES)
The following is a true story reported by CNN:
A woman working in the mail room
licked the envelopes and
postage stamps instead of using
a sponge. The lady cut her
tongue on an envelope - a week
later she noticed an abnormal
swelling of her tongue.
She went to the doctor, and they
found nothing wrong. The
tongue was not sore or anything.
A couple of days alter, her
tongue started to swell more,
and it began to get really sore,
so sore, that she could
not eat. She went back
to the hospital and demanded some-
thing be done. The doctor
took an X-ray of her tongue, and
notice a lump. He prepared
her for minor surgery. When
the doctor cut her tongue open,
a live roach crawled out.
There were roach eggs on the
seal of the envelope. The egg
was able to hatch inside of
the tongue, because of her
saliva. It was warm and moist.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY REPORTED ON CNN
Andy Hume, wrote: "Hey, I used
to work in an envelope factory.
You wouldn't believe the things
that float around in those
gum applicator trays.
I haven't licked an envelope in years."
To All:
From a print shop worker.
I used to work for a print shop
(32 years ago) and we were
told NEVER TO LICK THE ENVELOPES.
I never understood why
until I had to go into storage
and pull out 2500 envelopes
that were already printed for
a customer who was doing a
mailing, and I saw several squads
of roaches roaming around
inside a couple of boxes with
eggs everywhere. They eat
the glue on the envelopes.
I think print shops have a
harder time controlling roaches
than restaurants. I always
buy the self sealing type.
Or, if need be, I use a glue
stick to seal one that has the
type of glue that needs to
be wet to stick.
HOW WILL YOU SEAL YOUR ENVELOPES NOW????????????
From: WSelwa@qwiz.com on 4/30/2001
"Licking envelopes" is a hoax.
Click the link below. Or,
go to http://hoaxbusters.ciac.org,
click the link to search
the site, and type "roach".
:)
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Subj: Lessons
Learned From Wormes Worms (S216, S569)
From: KMACINTY on 3/16/2001
and
From: ginafm on 12/11/2007
Four worms were placed into four
separate jars.
The first worm was put into
a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into
a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into
a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into
a jar of soil.
After one day:
The first worm -- dead
Second worm -- dead
Third worm -- dead
Fourth worm -- alive
Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke
and have sex, you won't get worms.
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Subj: Man
Buys Centipede As Pet (S97, S548b)
From: janeenmarie on 5/22/2003
and
From: darrellvip on 7/12/2007
A man goes into a pet shop and
tells the owner that he
wants to buy a pet that can
do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way!
A cat certainly can't do
everything. I want a pet that
can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute,
then says,
"I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede?
I can't imagine a centipede
doing everything, but okay...
I'll try a centipede." He
gets the centipede home and
says to the centipede,
"Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks
into the kitchen and...
it's immaculate! All the dishes
and silverware have been
washed, dried, and put away;
the counter-tops cleaned; the
appliances sparkling; the floor
waxed. He's absolutely
amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks
into the living room. The
carpet has been vacuumed; the
furniture cleaned and dusted;
the pillows on the sofa plumped;
plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This
is the most amazing thing
I've ever seen. This really
is a pet that can do
everything!"
Next he says to the centipede,
"Run down to the corner and
get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door.
10 minutes later...
no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede.
30 minutes later...
no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering
what's going on. The
centipede should have been back
in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later... still no
centipede!
He can't imagine what could have
happened. Did the
centipede run away? Did
it get run over by a car?
Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door,
opens it ... and there's
the centipede sitting right
outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent
you down to the corner store
45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper.
What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'!
I'm goin'! I'm just
puttin' on my shoes!"
\\\//
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Subj: Woman
Fights Cockroach (S133)
Cockroach slain, husband badly hurt.
TEL AVIV - An Israeli woman's
fight with a stubborn cockroach
put her husband in the hospital
with burns, a broken pelvis
and broken ribs, the Jerusalem
Post reported.
The woman, frightened by the
insect when she found it in the
living room, stepped on it,
threw it in the toilet and sprayed
a full can of insecticide on
it when it refused to die.
Her husband came home from work,
went to the toilet and lit a
cigarette. When he threw
the cigarette butt into the bowl,
the insecticide ignited, "seriously
burning his sensitive
parts," the Post wrote.
When paramedics were called to
the home in Tel Aviv, they
laughed so hard when they learned
what had happened that they
dropped the stretcher down the
stairs, breaking the unidentified
man's pelvis and ribs.
EDITORS NOTE: No report if the roach survived.
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Spiders On Drugs (S524c)
From: darrell94590 on 1/26/2007 |
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Subj: A Snail
And His Car (s325)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/24/2003
Once upon a time, there was a
snail who was sick and tired
of his reputation for being
so slow. He decided to get
some fast wheels to make up
the difference. After shopping
around a while, he decided that
the Datsun 240-Z was the
car to get. So the snail
goes to the nearest Datsun dealer
and says he wants to buy the
240-Z, but he wants it repainted
"240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands
for snail. I want everybody
who see me roaring past to know
who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want
to lose the unique opportunity
to sell a car to a snail, so
he agrees to have the car
repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and
spent the rest of his days
roaring happily down the highway
at top speed. Whenever
anyone would see him zooming
by, they'd say "Wow! Look at
that S-car go!"
\\\//
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Subj: Husband
Gathers Snails
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-27
A wife and her husband were having
a dinner party for all
the major status figures in
Rome, Italy. The wife was very
excited about this and wanted
everything to be perfect. At
the very last minute, she realized
that she didn't have any
snails for this dinner party,
so she asked her husband to
run down to the beach with the
bucket she was handing him
to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out
the door, down the steps, and
out to the beach. As he was
collecting the snails, he noticed
a beautiful woman strolling
alongside the water just a little
further down the beach. He
kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't
it be great if she would
even just come down and _talk_
to me." He went back to
gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the
beautiful woman was standing
right over him.
They got to talking, and she
invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a
ways down the beach, and they
started messing around.
It got so hot and heavy, than he
was exhausted afterwards and
passed out there. At seven
o'clock the next morning he
woke up and exclaimed, "Oh
no!!! My wife's dinner
party!!!" He gathered all his
clothes, put them on real fast,
grabbed his bucket, and ran
out the door. He ran down the
beach all the way to his
apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment.
He was in such a
hurry that when he got to the
top of the stairs, he dropped
the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with
a very angry wife standing
in the door way wondering where
he's been all this time. He
looked at the snails all down
the steps, then he looked at
her, then back at the snails
and said: "Come on guys, we're
almost there!"
\\\//
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Subj: Flea
Learns How To Get A Ride (S285)
From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97
and
From: coreymac on 7/13/2002
A flea had oiled up his little
flea legs and his little
flea arms, had spread out his
blanket, and was proceeding
to soak up the Miami sun when
who should stumble by on
the beach but an old flea friend
of his. "Oscar, what
happened to you?", asked the
flea, because Oscar looked
terrible, wrapped up in a blanket,
his nose running, his
eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some
guy's mustache and he came
down here by motorcycle.
I nearly froze my nuts off,"
wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal,"
said the first flea,
spreading some more suntan oil
on his shoulders. "You go
to the stewardess lounge at
the airport, see, and you get
up on the toilet seat, and when
an Air Florida stewardess
comes in to take a leak, you
hop on for a nice warm ride.
Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's
surprise when, a month or so
later, while stretched out all
warm and comfortable on the
beach, who should he see but
Oscar - looking more chilled
and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did
everything you said. I made
it to the stewardess lounge
and waited till a really cute
one came in, and made a perfect
landing and got so warm
and cozy that I dozed right
off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know,
I'm on this guy's mustache
again!"
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Subj: E-Mail
Bug (S534)
From: SCOTCOB on 4/16/2007
I got this email bug on my computer
from Art. I thought
you might find it cute too.
 |
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Subj: Two
Bees Talk (S363)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #203 on 97-10-22
and
From: pns@ on 1/12/2004
Two bees buzz around what's left
of a rose bush. "How was
your summer?" asks bee number
one. "Not too good," says
bee two. "Lotta rain,
lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not
enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea.
"Hey, why don't you go down the
corner and hang a left? There's
a bar mitzvah going on.
Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!"
and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump
into each other again. "How
was the bar mitzvah?" asks the
info-bee. "Great!" says
buddy-bee.
The first bee peers at his pal
and wonders, "What's that
on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer.
"I didn't want them to think
I was a wasp."
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Subj: Man
Afraid Of Bees Is Tied To Tree (S46)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #216 on 97-12-13
A fella was in the market to
buy some acreage. He found
just what he was looking for,
but it was a little expensive.
During an inspection of the
property, however, he found a
hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was
deathly afraid of bees, and
there was no way he could consider
this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that
the bees were completely
harmless, but the buyer would
have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an
offer. The buyer would
allow himself to be tied to
a tree for an hour, nude,
under the nest. So sure
of the friendliness of his bees
was the farmer that if ONE bee
were to sting him, the farm
would be his for free.
The buyer thought it over and
decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked
out to the tree and saw
the poor buyer slumped over
in his bindings. Fearing the
worst, he ran up to him and
asked him if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and
weakly said, "No, but doesn't
that calf have a mother?"
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Spiders Mating In Garden (S189, S369b)
From: RFSlick on 09/15/2000
and
From: JBCARY1 on 2/20/2004
A little girl was playing in
the garden when she spotted
two spiders mating. "Daddy,
what are those two spiders
doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No, her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a
moment, then took her foot
and stamped them flat. "Well,
that might be OK in California
but we're not having any of
that shit in our garden."
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Bug, Spider & Snail Jokes
 |
Subj:
How Did The Butterfly Put A Hole In Your Roof? (S564c)
From: darrellvip on 11/13/2007 |
| Subj:
Bees and Mobile Phones (S535c)
From: edapsmas on 4/18/2007 Source: http://news.independent.co.uk |
 |
Drawing from
Imagitek Network Graphic Design |
 |
Subj:
Catch The Worm (S531c)
From: darrell94590 on 3/19/2007 |
| Subj:
Fly Story (S461)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/24/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
You Know It's A Bad Day When... (S447)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/10/2005 |
| Subj:
Spider S & M (S435b)
From: darrell94590 on 5/27/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Ant Express (S412b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/10/2004 |
| Subj:
Glasswing Butterfly (S512c)
From: darrell94590 on 11/9/2006 |
 |
Glasswing Butterfly lives in
South America. A butterfly
with transparent wings that
is both rare and beautiful.
To view and read about them
on my web site click 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: Female
Fireflies (S328b)
From: igiggle on 5/1/2003
The fatal fakery of the female
firefly is unique.
All fireflies blink signals,
but different kinds of
fireflies have different flashing
patterns. That's
because the species don't interbreed.
It's no problem
for fireflies - they can recognize
signals from their
own kind. After breeding,
a female gets the munchies.
So she reads the signals for
a different purpose. She
responds to a male of another
firefly species, and has
him for dinner - literally.
Top
Subj: Teaching
About Worker Ants (S312b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/17/2003
The teacher was giving her class
of seven-year-olds a
natural-history lesson. "Worker
ants," she told them,
"can carry pieces of food five
times their own weight.
What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the
answer: "They don't have
a union."
Top
Subj: Black
Widow Spiders As Pesticide (S304b)
From: jerry on 11/26/2002
The UK's Tesco supermarket chain
for uses deadly black
widow spiders as a "natural
pesticide" in their grape
vineyards in California leading
to three customers
finding the spiders on their
purchased grape bunches.
Two of the spiders were still
alive.
Tesco says they were just responding
to customer demand
for keeping their food all "natural,"
for those of you
who think "all natural" has
to be better and who forget
that poison ivy, rattlesnakes,
influenza, salmonella
and the black plague are "all
natural" too.
Tesco says finding the live deadly
black widow spiders
on their grapes is a good thing.
"The fact that the
spiders are alive is evidence
that we're not using
pesticides - because if we were
they'd be dead," says
their well-pleased spokesperson.
Or in other words
finding people dead from black
widow bites is just
evidence that they aren't using
pesticides and everyone
should be happy.
UK Sun 27-Nov-02
Top
Subj: 'Crush
Freaks' and Porn (S296b)
From: jerry on 10/3/2002
Source: http://www.insects.org/ced4/crush_freaks.html
According to the Department
of Entomology, North Carolina
State University, there are
men who become sexually aroused
by watching women squish insects
with their feet.
Called "crush freaks," they are
men who wish to be an
insect ground underfoot.
"Witnessing or imagining the act
of a woman crushing an insect
is sexually arousing. The
bigger the foot the better,
shoe size 9 and up are preferred."
The American Journal Of Crush
Freaks currently has 500
members. And yes, they
produce their own porn flicks
consisting of, you guessed it,
women squishing insects.
Top
Subj: Worker
Bees Unite (S284)
From: jerry on 7/8/2002
Time magazine reports that a
radical vegan group is
trying to stop people from eating
honey because, they
say, honey production uses the
labor of oppressed
worker bees, for those who didn't
think it could ever
get any sillier.
NY Post 8-Jul-02
Top
Subj:.....Smoking
Scorpions (S254)
From: pns on 12/15/2001
A small but growing number of
people in strife-torn Pakistan
deal with their woes by smoking
scorpions, according to a
November Reuters dispatch from
Quetta. Users dry the
scorpion's stingers, grind them
up, light the powder, and
suck in the smoke. "When
I smoke scorpion," said Ghulam
Raza, "then the heroin is like
nothing to me." Quetta
addicts tend to hang out at
a local cemetery, where out-
siders will not bother them
(though there is an occasional
problem with enstupored persons
falling into partially dug
graves). [Yahoo-Reuters, 11-7-01]
Top
Subj: Two
Weevils Grew Up (S216)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 3/15/2001
(Also see 'Two
Weevils Grew Up' in WORD JOKES2)
Two boll weevils
grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became
a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much.
The second one,
naturally, became known as the lesser of
two weevils.
Top
Subj: Part
of: A
Little History From the 1500s in FACTS5
Houses had thatched roofs-thick
straw, piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was
the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the dogs, cats
and other small animals (mice
rats, and bugs) lived in the
roof. When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off
the roof -- hence the
saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things
from falling into the
house. This posed a real
problem in the bedroom where bugs
and other droppings could really
mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts
and a sheet hung over the top
afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into
existence.
About 20% of all adults in the
US have or have had a
cockroach that called their
inner ear canal HOME. They
enter while you sleep! This
rates a good 10 on the
ewwww-yuck scale and right up
there with the fact that
many of us have eaten a spider
in our sleep tooooo
The average housefly lives for one month.
What is the average life-span
of a dragonfly?
A dragonfly has a life span
of 24 hours.
The ant can lift 50 times its
own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight
and always falls over on its right
side when intoxicated.
The flea can jump 350 times its
body length, that is
like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days
without it's head,
before it starves
to death.
The male praying mantis cannot
copulate while
its head is attached
to its body. The female
initiates sex by
ripping the male's head off.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A snail got mugged by two tortoises.
When he went to the
police, they questioned him
as to what happened. He said,
"I don't know, it all happened
so fast!"
Did you ever smell moth balls?
You did? How'd you get his little
legs apart?
What's the difference between
a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly, but a fly
can't mosquito. -- Yatin
What Happened to the fly on the
toilet seat?
He got pissed off! --
Preston & Tony
From: RFSlick on 98-09-22
On average people fear spiders
more than they do death.
Did you know that you are more
likely to be killed
by a champagne cork than by
a poisonous spider?
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
The world's termites outweigh
the world's humans 10 to 1.
From: RFSlick on 99-02-14
The male gypsy moth can "smell"
the virgin female gypsy
moth from 1.8 miles away. [DeJonghe,
Chris] (But does he
CALL? NOOOOOO...)
From: mombear1 on 8/21/2001 (S238)
The original name for butterfly
was flutterby.
From: TAdams on 12/5/2001 (S253)
Some days you're the bug &......
Some days you're the windshield.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/11/2002
(S264)
"Cockroaches and socialites
are the only things that can
stay up all night and eat anything."
-- Herb Caen.
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/1/2003 (S323b)
Turn on the prudent ant thy
heedful eyes. Observe her
labors, sluggard, and be wise.
-- Samuel Johnson
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/1/2003 (S336b)
If Noah had been truly wise,
he would have swatted those
two flies. -- Helen Castle
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/4/2003 (S349b
- from: God2)
What the caterpillar calls the
end of the world,
God calls a butterfly!
Q: How does the single woman
get rid of roaches?
A: She asks them for a commitment.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #34 on 98-02-04
Q: What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boo bees.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/20/2005 (S419b
- How_Many)
Q: How many flies does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2 (that's if you can get
them inside the light bulb)
From: darrell94590 on 5/6/2006 (S485b)
Q: Why do female black widow
spiders kill their males
after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before
it starts.
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