Subj: Cat2 Jokes
(Includes 93 jokes and articles, 19849,28,cf,md4,16)
Click "Here" for Cats-Supp
Luck Cat
from
Abdul's Animation Gallery
| >>>
Subj: Cat2 Jokes (Includes 93 jokes and articles, 19849,28,cf,md4,16) Click "Here" for Cats-Supp |
|
Luck Cat from Abdul's Animation Gallery |
============================================================Top
Subj: New
York Cat In Winter (S681)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/27/2010
My aunt's neighbor in New York
had a beautiful black cat,
named Felix, who spent his days
outside and came indoors
at night. One cool October evening,
he disappeared. The
neighbor searched for him in
vain for several days. The
following spring, however, Felix
reappeared, looking
healthy and clean. She figured
he's been out sowing his
wild oats. Everything was back
to normal until that
autumn, when Felix disappeared
again. The next spring,
he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's
friend began asking
neighbors for clues. Finally,
she rang the bell of an
older couple who lived down
the street. "A black cat?"
the woman said. "Oh, yes! My
husband and I hated to
see him out in the cold, so
we bought a cat carrier.
We take him to Florida with
us every winter."
| Subj:
Scuba Diving Cat (S503b,d)
From: auntiegah on 9/12/2006 |
 |
This video show a cat and a dog
scuba diving in a pool
and they enjoy it. Clicking
'HERE'.
to see this amazing
video clip
Top
Subj: Man
Gets Rid Of Wife's Cat (S485c)
From: From: LABLaughsClean on 5/2/2006
A man absolutely hated his wife's
cat and decided to get rid
of him one day by driving him
20 blocks from his home and
leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat
was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive
the cat 40 blocks away. He
put the beast out and headed
home. Driving back up his
driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further
and further and the cat would
always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles
away, turn right, then left,
past the bridge, then right again
and another right until he reached
what he thought was a safe
distance from his home and left
the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home
to his wife: "Jen, is the cat
there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered,
"Put that stupid cat on the
phone, I'm lost! And need
directions!"
Top
Subj: Cat
Runs In As Couple Goes Out (S217, S849)
From: gordonschuk on 2/1/2008
and
From: CKButch4Femme on 4/19/4013
A couple was dressed and ready
to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light,
turned the answering machine
on the phone line, covered their
pet parakeet and put the
cat in the backyard. They
phoned the local cab company
and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple
opened the front door to leave
their house.
The cat they had put out into
the yard scoots back into
the house. They don't
want the cat shut in the house
because "she" always tries to
eat the bird. The wife
goes out to the taxi while the
husband goes inside to
get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man
in hot pursuit. The wife
doesn't want the driver to know
the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver
that her husband will be
out soon. "He's just going
upstairs to say goodbye to
my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband
gets into the cab. "Sorry
I took so long," he says, as
they drive away. "Stupid
bitch was hiding under the bed.
Had to poke her with a
coat hanger to get her to come
out! Then I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me. But it
worked. I hauled her fat
ass downstairs and threw her
out into the back yard!"
Top
Subj: Nude
Husband Fixes Garbage Disposal (S211, S470)
From: thebartend on 2/13/2001 and 1/17/2006
Calling in sick to work makes
me uncomfortable. No matter
how legitimate my illness, I
always sense my boss thinks
I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid
reason, but lied anyway
because the truth was too humiliating.
I simply mentioned
that I had sustained a head
injury and I hoped I would
feel up to coming in the next
day.
By then, I could think up a doozy
to explain the bandage
on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly
because I conceded to my
wife's wishes to adopt a cute
little kitty. Initially
the new acquisition was no problem,
but one morning I
was taking my shower after breakfast
when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from
the kitchen. "Ed! The
garbage disposal is dead.
Come reset it."
"You know where the button is,"
I protested through the
shower. "Reset it yourself!"
"I'm scared!" she pleaded.
"What if it starts going
and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon,
it'll only take a
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and
buck naked, hoping to
make a statement about how her
cowardly behavior was
not without consequence.
I crouched down and stuck
my head under the sink to find
the button.
It is the last action I remember
performing. It
struck without warning, without
respect to my circum-
stances. Nay, it wasn't
a hexed disposal drawing me
into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty,
clawing playfully at the dangling
objects she spied
between my legs.
She had been poised around the
corner and stalked me
as I took the bait under the
sink. At precisely the
second I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys
I unwittingly offered and snagged
them with her needle-
like claws. I lost all
rational thought to control
orderly bodily movements, while
rising upwardly at a
violent rate of speed,
with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine
region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced
with a "fight or
flight" syndrome. Men,
in this predicament, choose
only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, the
sink and cabinet bluntly impeded
my ascent; the impact
knocked me out cold. When
I awoke, my wife and the
paramedics stood over me.
Having been fully briefed by
my wife, the paramedics
snorted as they tried to conduct
their work while
suppressing their hysterical
laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried
to coax an explanation
out of me. I kept silent,
claiming it was too painful
to talk. "What's the matter,
cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
Top
Subj: Stray
Cat Strut (S195)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/25/2000
Stray cats will not be fed.
Stray cats will not be fed anything
except dry cat food
moistened with a little milk.
Stray cats will not be fed anything
except dry cat food
moistened with warm milk, yummy
treats and leftover fish
scraps.
Stray cats will not be petted,
played with or picked up
and cuddled unnecessarily.
Stray cats that are petted, played
with, picked up and
cuddled will absolutely not
be given a name.
Stray cats with or without a
name will not be allowed
inside the house at any time.
Stray cats allowed inside will
not be permitted to jump up
on or sharpen their claws on
the furniture.
Stray cats will be permitted
on furniture but must sharpen
claws on new $114.99 sisal rope
scratching post with three
perches.
Stray cats will sleep outside.
Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
Stray cats will sleep in the house, but not in our bed.
Stray cats will sleep in our bed, but not under the covers.
Stray cats will not play on the desk.
Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
Stray cats are forbidden to walk
on the computer keyboard
on the desk when the human is
using it.
Stray cats will not CJDJBEFUBEDBVKJB KNCX ZXMNLJN!
(S635b)
by John Graziano From: Comics.com on 2/8/2009 |
 |
Top
Cats are beautiful, sophisticated,
intelligent creatures.
And with a little love and caring,
they can keep a human
being alive for upwards of seventy
to eighty years. If
you follow these simple instructions,
you can have your
human housetrained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reasons,
humans seem to enjoy
immersing themselves in running
water. Attempts to get
humans to lick themselves clean
have proven interesting,
if unproductive.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are
unable to speak a proper
language. Therefore, you
should communicate a point
loudly, repeatedly, and if at
all possible, at about
three in the morning. Any attempts
at human-to-cat
communication can be dealt with
by simply ignoring it
until it stops.
FEEDING: Morning feeding
should start promptly when
your human is fast asleep, preferably
three or four
minutes before the alarm is
supposed to go off.
Recommended methods of waking
your human include:
sitting on its face, screaming
in its ear, and biting
its hair.
MATING: Human mating behavior
is fascinating.
Unfortunately, humans tend to
get easily spooked by
prolonged study of courtship
rituals, and resort to
shoe-throwing behavior.
TOILET TRAINING: A human's
natural tendency is to not
change your litter box.
Although experts in human
behavior believe it can be attributed
to the "laziness
reflex," this can be easily
corrected through what is
called "shoe therapy."
Just remember that a human
shoe looks a lot like a human
toilet, and you should
be fine.
Following these simple tips is
the first step towards
a long and productive cat/human
relationship.
Top
Subj: Christmas
Cat Poetry (S152)
From: KMacinty on 12/29/1999
A little something for those
of you who are
sharing the holidays with your
feline betters.
Hark! the hungry kitties cry,
feed us now before we die.
You don't know how long it's
been
If you don't feed us it's a
sin
Harken to our kitty tears!
We have not been fed in years.
Hark! the hungry kitties cry,
feed us now before we die.
God rest ye merry gentlemen,
sit down and make a lap
And sit for seven hours so we
can take a nap.
There is no higher cause to
serve than to sit and
stroke our fur.
Oh! tidings of kneading and
purrs
Oh! tidings of kneading and
purrs
Top
Subj: If Cats
Wrote Haiku (S148)
From: gheckman on 12/01/1999
Haiku is a very structured form
of poetry. Each haiku
consists of three lines: five
syllables, seven syllables,
five syllables. Rhyming
is not required.
If Cats Wrote Haiku
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.
The rule for today
.........Touch
my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hair ball somewhere
will find in morning.
Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then-
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds-
Your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore me
sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.
Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?
Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner.
I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh my! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams
My claws are not that sharp.
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?
Top
Subj: Dead
Cat Stories (S262b)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 6/28/98
and
From: mombear1 on 2/4/2002
Out of the mouths of babes comes
the Dead Cat Test, a true
story. A kindergarten
pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat. She asked if it was
dead or alive. "Dead," she was
informed.
"How do you know?", she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear
and it didn't move," said the
child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went
'pssst' in his ear, and he didn't
move."
----------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Franklin was unable to keep
from running over the cat
as it bolted through a bush
and darted in front of his car.
Picking up the poor limp animal,
he carried it to the house
and rang the bell. A white-haired
old woman answered the
door.
"I'm sorry," said Mr. Franklin,
"but I'm afraid I've run
over your cat. I'd like to replace
it."
"Certainly," the woman replied.
"How are you at catching
mice?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Pepperwinkle was devastated
when her cat Mary expired.
She wanted to give it a proper
funeral, but both the
Catholic and Protestant churches
in her neighborhood
refused to bury a cat.
In desperation, the woman turned
to the synagogue and
asked the rabbi if he would
say a few words at the cat's
funeral.
"Mrs. Pepperwinkle," the rabbi
said, "for one thing, we
do not believe in burying animals.
For another, you're
not even Jewish."
"I intend to donate a half million
dollars in Mary's name
to any house of worship which
will accept her," the woman
interrupted.
"..on the other hand, I do believe the cat is Jewish..."
----------------------------------------------------------
The football stadium was infested
with cats, but no one
minded. They kept the
mice away. One day, a cat chased
a mouse up the scoreboard and
over the side. The mouse
was able to hold on, but the
cat was not.
As it happened, Abramowicz was
going out for a pass at
just that moment. Noticing
the cat plummeting toward the
field, he poured on the speed,
extended his arms, and
caught it to his chest, the
crowd, watching the incredible
display, jumped to their feet
and cheered.
And as he entered the end zone,
the ecstatic if not too
bright Abramowicz enthusiastically
spiked the cat.
 |
Subj:
Cat In A Bowl (S520b,d)
From: edapsmas on 1/6/2007 |
In this video, a cat climb into
an impossibly small bowl.
You can see this movie on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: Cat
Quotations (S95)
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time
Enough for Love"
Women and cats do as they dammed
well please.
Men and dogs had best learn
to live with it...
-- Heinlein's "Notebooks
of Lazarus Long"
Do not meddle in the affairs
of cats,
for they are subtle and will
piss on your computer.
From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
I love cats...they taste just
like chicken.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #261 on 98-07-25
Thousands of years ago, cats
were worshipped as Gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
From: ossama on 98-11-24
"Managing senior programmers
is like herding cats."
-- Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs
of cats, for they are
subtle and will piss on your
computer." -- Bruce Graham
"There is no snooze button on
a cat who wants breakfast."
-- Unknown
"Cats are smarter than dogs.
You can't get eight cats
to pull a sled through snow."
-- Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong
to cats."
-- English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody
owns a cat."
-- Ellen Perry
Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." -- Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called;
cats take a message and
get back to you later."
-- Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures
and they are subject to
a good many ailments, but I
never heard of one who suffered
from insomnia." -- Joseph
Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will
come back as mice in their
next life." -- Faith
Resnick
"There are many intelligent species
in the universe.
They are all owned by cats."
-- Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers
and many cats. The
wisdom of cats is infinitely
superior."
-- Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven
be; Unless my cats are
there to welcome me."
-- Unknown
"There are two means of refuge
from the miseries of life:
music and cats." --
Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit
to have no heart."
-- Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." -- Colette
"Some people say that cats are
sneaky, evil, and cruel.
True, and they have many other
fine qualities as well."
-- Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if
you know how to make friends
with strange cats." --
Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle
that it never does any
harm to ask for what you want."
-- Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
"My husband said it was him or
the cat... I miss
him sometimes."
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
From: pethumor.com on 6/20/2002 (S181b)
"Every dog has his day - but
the nights
are reserved for the cats."
-- Unknown
"The problem with cats is that
they get the same exact
look whether they see a moth
or an ax-murderer."
-- Paula Poundstone
"When the mouse laughs at the
cat there's a hole nearby."
-- Nigerian Proverb
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/12/2006 (S482b)
"No matter how much cats fight,
there always seems to
be plenty of kittens."
-- Abraham Lincoln
From: igiggle on 4/21/2006 (S482b)
It's easy to understand why
the cat has eclipsed the dog as
modern America's favorite pet.
People like pets to possess
the same qualities they do.
Cats are irresponsible and
recognize no authority, yet
are completely dependent on
others for their material needs.
Cats cannot be made to do
anything useful. Cats
are mean for the fun of it.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
Subj: Short
Cat Jokes & Facts
 |
Subj:
Stray Cats (S659)
Created by Millan.net From: LABLaughsClean on 8/28/2009 |
| Subj:
Seeing Eye Cat (S593b)
From: hellgunner50 on 6/2/2008 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Free To Good Home (S587b in Marriage6)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/16/2008 |
| Subj:
Mischievous Cats (S585b,d)
From: MetaCafe.com on 4/8/2008 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Two Faced Kitten (S576d)
From: WeWin.com on 1/22/2008 |
| Subj:
Kitten Cannon (S570b,d)
From: BootyArcade.com on 12/24/2007 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Talking Cats (S570b,d)
From: ginafm on 12/22/2007 |
| Subj:
Kitten And Bird Are Best Friends (S565d)
From: ginafm (in Birds) on 11/18/2007 |
 |
This 7,200 KB movie tells the
story of an abandoned kitten
and the crow that adopted it.
You can view it at the source
above, or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: Cat
Looses It's Tail (S564c)
From: SCOTCOB on 11/9/2007
A blonde was weed-eating her
yard and accidentally cut off
the tail of her cat which was
hiding in the grass. She
rushed her cat, along with the
tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WALMART is the largest retailer
in the world!!!
 |
Subj:
Simon's Cat In "Wake-Up"
From: edapsmas on 10/14/2007 (S560b,d) |
| Subj:
Refrigerator Magnet (S558c)
From: AFine963 on 9/24/2007 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Blind Cat Cartoon (S544b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/19/2007 |
| Subj:
Look Daddy - Kittens (S508b in Oth-Anim-Sup)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/17/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Cat Scan Cartoon (S380)
From: DafterLafter on 5/6/2004 |
| Subj:
How Cats Sleep - Cartoon (S404)
From: LABLaughsClean 02-16-2004 on 2/16/2004 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Free Cat (S501c)
From: darrell94590 on 8/22/2006 |
| Subj:
Hairball Bowling (S484b,d)
From: igiggle on 5/2/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Stuff
on Cats - Cat Lovers Site (S452)
From: Ann Zeise on 9/25/2005
The site http://www.stuffonmycat.com/index.php
is dedicated
to cats and cat lovers.
I hope you enjoy it.
 |
Subj:
20 Ways To Have Fun With A Pussy (S448b)
From: LABLaughsAdult (in Pussy) on 8/17/2005 |
| Subj:
Farm Cats - Picture (S427b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/30/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Clear Screen (S420b)
From: igiggle on 2/9/2005 |
| Subj:
Mouse Cake (S420b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 2/7/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Clay Kitten Shooting (S372b,d)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/10/2004 (in Games-Supp) |
| Subj:
Many Cute Kitten Photos (S372b)
From: igiggle on 3/4/2004 Source: http://kittens.sytes.org/ |
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 |
Subj:
Mutts Comic Strip (S364b)
From: Vallejo Times Herald Newspaper on 1/6/04 (in Other_Drawings2) |
| Subj:
Pussy Warmer (S364)
From: Imogenelumen on 1/15/2004 (in Animals3) |
 |
 |
Subj:
Virtual Cat Maukie (S344b, S446d)
From: JOELFALLON on 8/31/2003 Source: http://www.maryparker.org/ |
Top
Subj: Fred
the cat... (S283b)
From: RFSlick on 7/2/2002
Copy and paste and go to this
sight...funny
http://www.catenema.com/cat1.html
and learn the story of Fred
the cat.
Top
Subj: Cat
And Mice Riddle (S253)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/2/2001
Mouse hunt If three cats catch
three mice in three
minutes, how many cats would
be needed to catch 100
mice in 100 minutes?
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
\/
ANSWER
The same three cats would do.
Since these three cats are
averaging one mouse per minute,
given 100 minutes, the
cats could catch 100 mice.
Top
Subj: Cat
And Mice Riddle II (S299b, S549)
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/25/2002
If 5 cats catch 5 mice in 5
minutes, how long will it
take one cat to catch a mouse?
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
ANSWER
Five minutes.
Top
Subj: Cat
Hair Riddle (S239b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/29/2001
It's proven that cats have more
hair on one side than
their other side. Some
people believe that this is
because when cats lie on one
side they need insulation
from the cold on the floor or
ground. Which side of a
cat has more hair?
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
Answer:
Outside of the Cat.
Top
Subj: The
Difference Between Dogs and Cats (S56)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #49 on 98-02-20
A dog thinks: Hey, these people
I live with feed me, love
me, provide me with a nice warm,
dry house, pet me, and
take good care of me...
They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people
I live with feed me, love
me, provide me with a nice warm,
dry house, pet me, and
take good care of me...
I must be a God!
Top
Subj: Part
of: A
Little History From the 1500s in FACTS5
Houses had thatched roofs-thick
straw, piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was
the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the dogs, cats
and other small animals (mice
rats, and bugs) lived in the
roof. When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off
the roof -- hence the
saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
In Ventura County, California,
cats and dogs are not
allowed to have sex without
a permit.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
Studies show that if a cat falls
off the seventh floor of
a building it has about thirty
percent less chance of
surviving than a cat that falls
off the twentieth floor.
It supposedly takes about eight
floors for the cat to
realise what is occurring, relax
and correct itself.
From: homeschooling.guide on 99-01-10
(S102)
I like cats, too. Let's exchange
recipes.
From: auntieg 98-05-09
A cat has 32 muscles in each
ear.
From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
*Cat's urine glows under a black
light.
*Cats have over one hundred vocal
sounds, while dogs only
have about ten.
From: grs on 98-04-05
If you throw a cat out the window,
is it considered kitty
litter?
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06
If I want to hear the pitter
patter of little feet,
I'll put shoes on my cat.
From: Tom_Adams on 99-02-10 (S107)
Researchers now say that if
your shoes smell bad, you can
remove the smell by filling
the shoe with kitty litter.
That's supposed to remove the
smell over night - of course
unless you have a cat!
From: TA989287 on 09/11/1999 (S137)
The more you run over a dead
cat, the flatter it gets.
From: gsm on 09/15/1999
Men know that the reason men
don't like cats
is because they don't know how
to cook them.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/15/2002
(S285b)
Dogs have owners. Cats have
staff.
From: Sonny at Bridge Club on 11/23/04
(S409b - food-etc2)
Show me a man who hates cats,
And I'll show you a man who
can't cook.
Q: How do you make a cat go woof?
A: Douse it in petrol and throw
a match at it.
Q: What is a cat's favorite song?
A: Three Blind Mice.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
Q: Did you hear about the cat
who swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had mittens!
From: igiggle on 2/8/2005 (S420b)
Q: What do you call a cat that
leads a gang
of neutered kitties?
A: Queen of spayeds.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
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............................
Smiley
& cat from Smiley_Central
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.
.