>>> Subj:     Cow and Sheep Jokes (Gz)                  (Includes 59 jokes and articles)             Click "Here" for Cow_Sheep-Supp

Angry Bull  from Animated Cliparts

Also see ACCIDENTS1   - 'Falling Cow'
         ASCII ART II - 'ASCII Cow Art'
         AUSTRALIAN   - 'Lost Australian Sheep'
         BALLS file   - 'Cojones'
         BLONDE file  - 'Two Sisters Buy A Bull'
         Bugs & Etc   - 'Man Afraid Of Bees Is Tied To Tree'
         CLINTONSCNTL1- 'Milk...'
         COLLEGE-GRAD - 'Vet School Students Learn Lesson'
         COWBOY2 file - 'Bull Riding - Cartoon'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Doctor Sleeps With Patient'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Golf Match Ends'
         FAIRY TALES  - 'Mary Had A Little Lamb - Poem'
         FARMER1 file - 'Farmer Sues Railroad Over Missing Cow'
......................- 'Courting On The Porch And Watching The Cows'
         FARMER2 file - 'Charges For Servicing A Cow'
......................- 'Farmer Explains Mad Cow Disease'
......................- 'Carnation Milk Contest'
......................- 'Farmer Serves On A Jury'
......................- 'Farmer Gets Help For Impotent Bull'
         FART file    - 'Ole Buys Cow In Nordakota'
         GOLF1 file   - 'Golfer Hurt On Course'
         JOBS2 file   - 'Lesson number two: The Turkey and the Bull'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Marriage Vs Free Milk'
         NATIVE AMERCN- 'Politician Visits Reservation'
         NUDIST file  - 'A Herd Of Sheep'
         NUNS2 file   - 'Dying Mother Superior'
         POLACK file  - 'Town's Cow Stops Giving Milk'
         POLIT-CLINTON- 'Clinton's Driver Runs Over A Pig'
         POETRY file  - 'Walking A Crooked Path'
......................- 'My First Time'
         REDNECK-SUPP - 'Sheep Lovers - Cartoon'
         SHIT file    - 'Two Airplane Passengers Talk
......................- 'Fly Eats Cow Manure'
         TREES file   - 'Pheasant Wants To Climb A Tree'
         WORD JOKES1  - 'The Meaning Of Service'
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Subj:     Cross-Eyed Cow (S330b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 5/24/2003

 This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into
 things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.

 The vet says. "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up
 his ass and blow real hard and the cows eyes will straighten
 out. The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and
 blows. The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon
 looses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again. The
 vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again. The
 vet looks at the farmer - a young healthy man - and says,
 you look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try.

 The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cows
 ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins
 to blow.

 Holy smokes, says the vet. What in the hell did you do that
 for.

 The farmer replies, "You don't think I am gonna put my mouth
 on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."

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Subj:     Stud Bulls At The State Fair (S299)
          From: RFSlick on 10/23/2002

 A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the
 exhibits is that of breeding bulls.  They come up to the
 first pen and there is a sign that says: "This Bull mated
 50 times last year."  The wife pokes her husband in the
 ribs and says "He mated 50 times last year."

 They walked a little further and see another pen with a
 sign that says: "This Bull mated 120 times last year."
 The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice
 a week!  You could learn a lot from him."

 They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign
 saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year."  The wife
 gets really excited and says "That's once a day.  You could
 REALLY learn something from this one."

 The husband looks at her and says......"Go up and ask him
 if it was with the same cow."  After many surgeries and
 years of therapy, he is now able to walk and talk again.

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Subj:     Shepherd Makes A Bet (S196, S372)
          From: WSelwa on 10/30/2000
      and From: Imogenelumen on 3/8/2004
          (Also see 'The Programmer's Vacation' in PROGRAMMER)

 A Shepherd knows his sheep.....

 A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when
 suddenly a brand-new BMW X5 advanced out of a dust cloud
 towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci
 shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window
 and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many
 sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

 The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
 looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers:
 "Sure. Why not?"  The yuppie parks his car, whips out his
 Dell notebook computer.  He connects it to his AT&T cell
 phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls
 up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on
 his location.  He feeds it to another NASA satellite that
 scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
 and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,
 Germany.  Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm
 Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
 He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
 Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.  He
 uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and,
 after a few minutes, receives a response.

 Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
 hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and turns to the
 shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

 That's right.  Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep,"
 says the hepherd.  He watches the young man select one of
 the animals and looks on amused as the young man begins to
 stuff it into the trunk of his car.

 Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell
 you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my
 sheep?"  The young man thinks for a second and then says,
 "Okay, why not?"

 "You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

 "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
 guess that?"

 "No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed
 up here even though nobody called you; you want to get
 paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never
 asked; and you know nothing about my business.  Now give
 me back my dog."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Reporter In A Small Town (S146)
          From: scott_pryor on 99-02-12
      and From: thebartend on 11/17/1999

 Passing through a small rural town one day, a reporter from
 a big city newspaper decided to write a human-interest story
 on the little community.  Seeking input from the locals, the
 reporter drove along until he spotted an old man sitting on
 his porch stoop.  The reporter parked his car, approached the
 old man and explained his desire to write a story about the
 town.  The friendly old man agreed to an interview.

 Hoping to write a light-hearted article, the reporter asked
 the old man to describe one of the best times he ever exper-
 ienced while living in the town.  The old man thought for a
 minute and said, "You know, once a nearby farmer lost one of
 his sheep.  All the men in town got together and went looking
 for it.  When we found the sheep, we all got drunk on moon-
 shine and fucked it.  Yep, that was probably the best time I
 ever had around these parts."

 Obviously unable to print this response in the newspaper, the
 reporter asked the old man if he could please relay another
 enjoyable event.  The old man thought for a bit and said,
 "There was the time when one of my neighbors lost his wife
 and all of us men in town got together and went looking for
 his wife.  When we found her, we all got drunk on moonshine
 and fucked her.  Now that was a good time too, almost as good
 as the sheep."

 By this time the reporter was shaking his head because he
 couldn't use anything the old man had said so far.  Rather
 than give up, the reporter decided to try a different approach
 and asked the old man to recall one of the worst times he had
 experienced in the town.  The old man replied, "Well...there
 was that time when I got lost."

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Subj:     Cow-ism (Cows & Politics) (S124)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-11-30
      and From: smiles on 6/10/99

 ANARCHISM
 You have 2 cows, your neighbor on your left takes one cow,
 and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard
 neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.
 

 PURE ANARCHY
 You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price
 or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
 

 BUREAUCRACY
 You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you
 can feed them and when you can milk them.  Then it pays you
 not to milk them.  After that it takes both, shoots one, milks
 the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires
 you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
 

 CAPITALISM
 You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull, which you use
 to breed, to the other cow.  Then you create a great website
 and start offering to export sperm from the bull to anyone
 and everyone, especially emerging markets, over the Internet.

 After a few weeks, your company completes its IPO on NASDAQ,
 and a few brokerage firms start coverage with a strong buy
 rating for this wonderful new Internet stock.  Your stock
 zooms from the $0.10 per share initial offering price to
 $110, when you sell. The stock plummets back to $0.10 a few
 months later when the dopes who bought it realize that your
 business has no earnings and never will, despite the
 Internet connection.

 Several law firms and the SEC bring various civil and
 criminal actions against the company, all of the officers
 and directors and (of course) you under various fraud
 theories. You quickly settle the civil cases so the lawyers
 get paid, but you still have plenty stashed away. You plead
 nolo in the SEC case, and you are sentenced to 10 years in
 prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks.  When you come
 out, you can't resist the temptation to buy 2 chickens. Then...
 

 HONG KONG CAPITALISM
 You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly-listed
 company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-
 law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
 associated general offer so that you can get all 4 cows back,
 with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows.  The milk rights of
 6 cows are then transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to
 a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority share-
 holder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows milk back to the
 listed company and proceeds from the sales are deferred.  The
 annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an
 option on 1 more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because of
 the bad feng shui.
 

 REGAN CAPITALISM
 You have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell
 all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it
 to fascist and communist governments.
 

 COMMUNISM
 You have 2 cows, you give them to the government;
    and the government gives you some milk.
 

 PURE COMMUNISM
 You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of
 them, and you all share the milk.
 

 APPLIED COMMUNISM
 You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the
 government takes all the milk.
 

 RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
 You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the
 government takes all the milk.
 

 CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
 You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
 

 TRUE DEMOCRACY
 You have 2 cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
 

 REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
 You have 2 cows. Your neighbors vote for someone to tell
 you who gets the milk.
 

 AMERICAN DEMOCRACY
 The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for
 it.  After the election, the president is impeached for
 speculating in cow futures.  The press dubs the affair
 "Cowgate".
 

 BRITISH DEMOCRACY
 You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go
 mad.  The government does nothing.
 

 SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY
 You have 2 cows. The government fines you for illegally
 keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
 

 NEW DEALISM (FDR Version)
 You have 2 cows, you shoot one, milk the other one; then
 pour the milk down the drain.
 

 DICTATORSHIP
 You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
 

 FASCISM
 You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
 take care of them and sells you the milk.
 

 FEMINISM
 You have 2 cows. They get married and adopt a calf.
 

 NAZISM
 You have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.
 

 POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
 You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a
 symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongerish, intolerant
 past) 2 differently-aged (but no less valuable to society)
 bovines of non-specified gender.
 

 SOCIALISM
 You have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbor.
 

 PURE SOCIALISM
 You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them
 in a barn with everyone else's cows.  You have to take
 care of all the cows.  The government gives you as much
 milk as you need.
 

 BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
 You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them
 in a barn with everyone else's cows.  They are cared for by
 ex-chicken farmers.  You have to take care of the chickens
 the government took from the chicken farmers.  The government
 gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you
 should need.
 

 SURREALISM
 You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take
 harmonica lessons.
 

 TOTALITARIANISM
 You have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they
 ever existed.  Milk is banned.
 

 UTOPIANISM
 You have 2 cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their
 udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.
 

 Programmers-Trying-to-Meet-Year-2000-Deadline
 You have two cows.  You keep them both, force them to produce
 the milk of four cows, then act surprised when they drop dead.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     You Have Two Cows Vers. II (S352)
          From: niner282003 on 10/31/2003

 LIBERAL

 You have two cows.
 Your neighbor has none.
 You feel guilty for being successful.
 Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write
 to your congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for
 more government programs to help your neighbor get a cow.
 You hold a concert to raise awareness for the cow-lessness.
 Barbara Streisand sings for the cow-less, who couldn't attend
 because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with
 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that
 signifies that you care about cowless people, even though
 you really haven't done anything to help them at all.
 

 CONSERVATIVE

 You have two cows.
 Your neighbor has none.
 So?
 

 SOCIALIST

 You have two cows.
 The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
 You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
 

 COMMUNIST

 You have two cows.
 The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
 You wait in line for hours to get it.
 It is expensive and sour.
 

 CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

 You have two cows.
 You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
 

 DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

 You have two cows.
 The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both
 to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
 which was a gift from your government.
 

 BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

 You have two cows.
 The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,
 pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
 

 AMERICAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.
 You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on
 the 2nd one.  You force the two cows to produce the milk of
 four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.  You
 spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down
 sized and are reducing expenses.  Your stock goes up.
 

 FRENCH CORPORATION

 You have two cows.
 You go on strike because you want three cows.
 You go to lunch and drink wine.
 Life is good.
 

 JAPANESE CORPORATION

 You have two cows.
 You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an
 ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.  They learn
 to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.  Most are at the
 top of their class at cow school.
 

 GERMAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.
 You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
 give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
 Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
 

 ITALIAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
 While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
 You break for lunch.
 Life is good.
 

 RUSSIAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.
 You have some vodka.
 You count them and learn you have four cows.
 You have some more vodka.
 You count them again and learn you have eight cows.
 The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you
 really have.
 

 TALIBAN CORPORATION

 You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
 You don't milk them because you cannot touch any
 creature's private parts.  Then you kill them and claim
 a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
 

 IRAQI CORPORATION

 You have two cows.
 They go into hiding.
 They send radio tapes of their mooing.
 

 POLISH CORPORATION

 You have two bulls.
 Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting
 to milk them.
 

 CALIFORNIAN

 You have a cow and a bull.
 The bull is depressed.
 It has spent its life living a lie.
 It goes away for two weeks.
 It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
 You now have two cows.
 One makes milk; the other doesn't.
 You try to sell the transgender cow.
 Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
 You lose in court.
 You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
 You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
 You change your business to beef.
 PETA pickets your farm.
 Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
 Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help
 "working cows".
 Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of
 your farm "for the children".
 Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
 The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you
 groped their teats.
 You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
 The cow starves to death.
 The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is
 Bush's fault.

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Subj:     Our Future Transportation System (S410b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 11/25/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/070.htm
 

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Subj:     Bull Auction (S125b)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #274 on 98-11-22
      and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/14/99

 This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the
 countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the
 auctioning off of bulls.  The guy selling the bulls
 announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine
 specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

 The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments,
 "See!  That was more than 5 times a month!"  The second
 bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder
 reproduced 120 times last year."

 Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10
 times a month.  What do YOU say to that?!"  Her husband
 is getting really annoyed with this comparison.  The
 third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary
 specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"

 The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's
 once a day, every day of the year!  How about YOU?!"

 The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back,
 "Sure, once a day!...  But ask the auctioneer if they
 were all with the same cow!!!"

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Subj:     Farmer Delivers A Baby Calf (S62)
          From: RFSlick on 98-04-08

 A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he
 noticed his 4-year son standing wide-eyed at the fence,
 soaking in the whole event.

 The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to
 start explaining the birds and bees.  No need to jump
 the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

 After everything was over, the man walked over to his
 son and said,

 "Well son, do you have any questions?"

 "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

 "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

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Subj:     A New Bull At The Farm (S182)

 A farmer down the road had a fairly large herd of cows and
 three bulls.  Each bull keeping a strict eye on his portion
 of the cows.  A rumour comes around that the farmer is going
 to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the
 field discussing this.

 The first bull says, "Well, there's no way he's going to get
 any of my cows."

 The second bull agrees, "Yeah, I'm not giving up any.  He can
 wait till next year and get some of the new ones."

 The third bull who was a bit smaller says, "I don't have as
 many as you guys so I'm not giving any up."

 Finally, the new bull arrives.  The first three gather at the
 edge of the field to watch him being unloaded from the trailor.
 To their consternation, the biggest, meanest Brahma bull they
 have ever seen comes strolling down the ramp and glares at them.
 He's at least three times bigger than any of them.

 The first bull looks around nervously and says, "Well now, I
 suppose it would be a neighbourly thing to give this guy some
 cows.  I think I'll give him twenty of mine."

 The second bull says, "Yeah, I guess so, I'll give him thirty of
 mine."

 They look over at the small bull.  He's busy pawing the grass,
 snorting, and shaking his head.  The first bull says "Son, let
 me give you some advice real quick.  Let him have some of your
 cows and live to tell about it."

 The third Bull says "Shoot, he can have ALL my cows.  I'm just
 making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Farmer's Family And Cow Die (S167)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

 On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and
 their three sons.  Early one morning, the woman awoke,
 and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture,
 she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the
 field.  The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could
 she possibly continue to feed her family now?  In a
 depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

 When the farmer awoke to find his wife dead, as well as
 the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the
 situation, and he shot himself in the head.

 Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead
 (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river
 and drown himself.  When he got to the river, he discovered
 a mermaid sitting on the bank.  She said, "I've seen all
 and know the reason for your despair.  But if you will have
 sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents
 and the cow to you."  The son agreed to try, but after four
 times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again.  So the
 mermaid drowned him in the river.

 Next the second oldest son woke up.  After discovering what
 had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
 The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten
 times in a row, I will make everything right."  And while
 the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to
 satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

 The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead
 cow in the field, and his brothers gone.  He decided that
 life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river
 to throw himself in.  And there he also metthe mermaid.

 "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make every-
 thing right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times
 in a row."  The young son replied, "Is that all?  Why not
 twenty times in a row?"

 The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.  Then
 he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"  And
 even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said,
 "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

 Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with
 me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back
 to perfect health."

 Then the young son asked, "Wait!  How do I know that thirty
 times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

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Subj:     Primary School Visits Farm (S175)
          From: Newsgroup: rec.humor.funny
          (See 'Pepito Learns To Add' in SCHOOL1)

 My wife is a primary school teacher, and related this tale
 after another class returned from a trip to a working farm.
 My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip.

 David: "Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and
        f***ers."
 Wife: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are,
        but what is a fucker?"
 David: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk"
 Wife: "but who said they were called, er, fuckers?"
 David: "that was our teacher. Well actually she called them
        "effers", but we all knew what she meant."

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Subj:     Farmer Buys A Milking Machine (S29)
          From: TheBartend on 97-08-13
          (Also see 'Farmer Serves On A Jury'
           and 'Farmer Buys A Milking Machine II' in FARMER2)

 A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and tells
 the salesman he wants to buy a milking machine. "Certainly,
 sir.  Right this way," says the salesman.  "How many cows
 will you be milking?"

 "Just one," says the farmer.

 "Oh," says the salesman.  "Well, sir, I really wouldn't
 recommend a milking machine for only one cow.  You could
 milk three cows by hand in the time it would take you to
 set up the machine and clean it afterwards."

 "I said I want a milking machine.  Now, are you going to
 sell me one, or not?" the farmer replies indignantly.

 "Well, sure, I'll sell you one if that's what you want.
 Just making sure, that's all," says the salesman.

 The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and the
 farmer picks one out, after reiterating to the salesman
 that, yes, he really does want the machine even though he
 only has one cow. After he's rung up the sale, the
 salesman's curiosity gets the best of him.  "Sir, if you
 don't mind my asking, why are you so insistent on buying
 this milking machine even after all I've said?"

 "Well," says the farmer, "I got a new cow a couple of
 weeks ago.  The first time I tried to milk her, I tried
 from the left side and she put her left foot in the bucket.
 The next day, I tried milking her from the right side
 and she put her right foot in the bucket.  The third day,
 I tried milking her from behind and she put her tail in
 the bucket.  The fourth day, being fed up, I tied her left
 leg to the left side of the barn, her right leg to the
 right side of the barn, and her tail to the rafter.  Now
 if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do was
 milk that cow, I won't need this milking machine."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Methane And Hydrocarbon Production Of Cows (S176)

 The largest source of methane in the atmosphere is gas
 expelled by bovines (cattle) during excretion.

 A Colorado State University animal nutrition professor named
 Donald Johnson has been studying cow flatulence for 20 years,
 and has determined that the average cow emits 200 to 400
 quarts of methane gas PER DAY, resulting in a total annual
 world cow methane output of 50 million metric TONS!  Don't
 light a match around a cow and never allow a cow inside your
 sleeping bag!!

 The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency has reported that
 burping cows are the number one source of air pollution in
 the United States.  EPA test results show that American cows
 blissfully belch 50 million tons of hydrocarbon into the air
 annually.  However, the EPA estimates that if a way existed
 for controlling the hydrocarbon-rich belches of just 10 cows
 for 1 year, enough gas would be provided to satisfy the space
 heating, water heating, and cooking requirements for an
 average American house.

 A veterinarian has said that since cows produce up to three
 quarts of gas per minute, they NEED to belch.  Otherwise, "If
 it can't burp," the vet said, "its stomach can explode within
 the hour."  He was referring to a story concerning a New
 Zealand farmer who purchased a cow, which he and his family
 were admiring, when suddenly, without warning, the cow "exploded
 before their eyes, spattering into a million bits of flesh and
 bone and drenching them all in blood.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Cow Sales (S182)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-08-25

 A farmer had been taken several times by the local car
 dealer.  One day, the car dealer informed the farmer
 that he was coming over to purchase a cow.  The farmer
 prices his unit as follows:

 Basic Cow ..................................... 499.95
 Shipping and Handling .......................... 35.75
 Extra Stomach .................................. 79.25
 Two Tone Exterior ............................. 142.10
 Produce Storage Compartment ................... 126.50
 Heavy Duty Straw Chopper ...................... 199.60
 Four-spigot/High Output Drain System .......... 149.20
 Automatic Fly Swatter .......................... 88.50
 Genuine Cowhide Upholstery .................... 179.90
 Deluxe Dual Horns .............................. 59.25
 Automatic Fertilizer Attachment ............... 339.40
 4X4 Traction Drive Assembly ................... 884.16
 Pre Delivery Wash and Comb ..................... 69.80

FARMER'S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE ................ $2843.36
  Additonal Dealer Adjustments ................. 300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options) ......... $3143.36

                            \\\//
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Subj;     Inseminating A Cow (DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #205 on 97-10-26

 A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions
 before heading to town to do some business.

 "That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to
 inseminate one of the cows.  I've hung a nail by the right
 stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate."

 Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could
 understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

 That afternoon, the "Inseminator" arrives, and the wife
 dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the
 stall with the nail.

 "There's the nail so this is the cow right here." she
 tells him.

 "What's the nail for?" the guy asks.

 Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Short Cow & Sheep Jokes

Top

Subj:     Reaction Time Test (S476b in Thoughts-Time)           From: darrell94590           on 2/28/2006

 Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody
      /sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf
 Great, fun, reaction time test.  The best I can do is called
 a "Bobbing Bobcat".  You can test your reactions at the
 source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Kris Walks In With A Sheep (S472)
          From: Dickschu on 1/29/2006
 Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia:

 Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and
 says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you
 have a headache."

 His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll
 find that's a sheep, you idiot."

 The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
 

Top

Subj:     The Running Of The Bulls           From: LABLaughsClean (S470b in Othr-Nats)           on 1/18/2006

 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20040115
 The fact that a photographer even took this picture amazed
 me enough that I had to include it on my site.  You can
 view the picture at the source above, or on my web site by
 clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top

Subj:     It Is Milking Time (S456b)           From: LABLaughsAdult           on 10/20/2005

 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19990922
 You can view this cute, dirty cartoon at the source above,
 or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top

Subj:     World Class Holstein (S419)           From: Buffalo's Jokes on 02/02/05           At: http://www.buffalosjokes.com/123122.htm

 To see the full picture of a World Class Holstein
 click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Cows vs Aliens (S378b)
          From: drgolfmd on 4/28/2004
 Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that
 our government can track a cow born in Canada almost
 three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps
 in the state of Washington.  Also they track her
 calves to their stalls.

 But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal
 aliens wandering around our country.

 The obvious solution is to give every illegal alien
 a cow.
 

Top
Subj:     Cow Poke (S325)
          From: jerry on 4/22/03
 Before complaining about your job, think about Ernie
 Munck who "arms cows" for a living.  In veterinarian
 speak, "arming cows" has to do with sticking you hand
 way inside a cow's butt to dislodge an intestinal blockage.

 But always the optimist, Muck, er Munck, says that the
 good part of the job is that on cold days one hand will
 be warm.  This was the best thing he could think of.

 WPVI (Philadelphia) 14-Apr-03
 

Top
Subj:     Mad Cow Test (S363b)
          From: Sam H. on 1/9/2004
 Mad Cow disease must be the hot comic topic for the day.
 Try out this web site to learn how to test your cows.

 The web site stopped playing the video, but here is their
 main page http://viswiz.imk.fraunhofer.de
 

Top
Subj:     Mad Cow Movie (S305)
          From: pns on 12/7/2002
 Some foul language in this funny animation about a
 verrry mad cow!

 http://www.bestcreatives.com/MadCow.html

 WARNING - This site no longer exists.  Incidences like
 this are why I started copying stuff I liked to my site.
 

Top
Subj:     Service (S288b)
          From: mombear1 on 8/6/2002
 At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the
 meaning of the word "service."  The act of doing things
 for other people.

 Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal
 Service, Civil Service, Service Stations... And I became
 confused about the word "service."  This is not what I
 thought "service" meant.

 Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of
 them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few
 of his cows.

 SHAZAM!!  It all came into perspective.  Now I understand
 what all those "service" agencies are doing to us...
 

Top
Subj:     Milk Baths (S205)
          From: rlr29 on 10/28/2000
          (Also see 'Blonde Wants Milk Bath' in MAILMAN-ETC
                and 'Mutts Comic Strip' in OTHER2-DRAWINGS)
 Two young girls were talking and one couldn't help but
 notice how pretty and beautiful the other's skin was.  So
 she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and
 beautiful.

 "Well, once a week I fill a bathtub up with milk and just
 soak in it."

 So the one girl went to a farm and spoke to the farmer.
 "I'd like to buy a lot of milk."

 "How much?" asked the farmer.

 "Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

 He asked, "Pasteurized?"

 "No, just up to my neck."
 

Top
Subj:     Two English Cows (DU)
          From: Playboy January 1997
 A couple of English cows were lying in a meadow. "What do
 you think about this mad cow disease? one said.
 "I don't bloddy care," the other replied, I'm a helicopter."
 

 Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

 Whatdaya call a cow you pick up and toss?
   -- Chuck roast!
 Whatdaya call a cow with two legs?
   -- Lean Beef.
 What does a cow with short legs have?
   -- Dragon Milk
 What do you call a cow up on its two hind legs?
   -- rare beef.
 Whatdaya call a cow with no legs?
   -- Ground Beef.
 Whatdaya call a dog with no legs?
   -- Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway...
   --  John Braden (S124)

 Why do they put bells on cows?
 Because their horns don't work!  --  Jim Luettgen

 In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.

 A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes
 along and flies into the cows ear.  A little bit later, the
 farmer notices the fly in the milk.  The farmer looks up
 and says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the utter."  -- Mr. Ed

 Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following
 Islamic law:  After having sexual relations with a lamb, it
 is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."  (umm ok, I'm sure the
 lamb appreciates that one)

From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
 Sacred cows make the best hamburger.  -- Mark Twain
 For more Twain quotes see 'Twain on Government' in POLITICAL2.

 It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

From: grs on 98-04-05
 If a cow laughed. would milk come out her nose?

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
 Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
 Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

From: humorlist-digest V2 #190 on 98-08-15
 BUMPER STICKER
 Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!

From: auntieg on 98-11-14 (S182)
 It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough
 leather for a  year's supply of footballs.

From: smiles on 6/10/99
   Knock Knock
   Who's There
   Cows Go
   Cows Go WHo?
   Nooo, cows go MOOOO!

From: CHRISDADDYG on 3/15/2001 (S216)
 Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins
 into low earth orbit?  They called it the herd shot
 'round the world.

From: mjsl on 12/3/2002 (S305b)
 "Sometimes you've just got to grab the cow by the tail
  and face the music."  -- An Induhvidual

From: LABLaughsClean on 10/28/2004 (S406b)
 Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
 Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminate
 this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
 "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

 Q: What happens when I short-legged cow tries
    to jump a fence?
 A: It's an udder disaster.

 Q: What do you call a cow with no front legs?
 A: Lean Beef

 Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
 A: Ground beef

From: humorlist-digest V2 #4 on 98-01-04
 Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
 A: Because they're all pigs.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
 Q: Why do they put bells on cows?
 A: Because their horns don't work!

 Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
 A: A bulldozer.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
 Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
 A: Spoiled milk.

 Q: What kind of milk makes you blink?
 A: Past eur ized  --  Shannarra

From: coreymac on 6/26/2001 (S231b)
 Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep
    under each arm?
 A: A pimp.

From: www.huumor.com on 8/6/01 (S237)
 Q: What's the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
 A: The number of tits!

From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/16/2005 (S421b)
 Q: What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
 A: Decaffeinated.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Mad cow from Smiley_Central

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