Subj: Dog3 Jokes
(Includes 86 jokes and articles, 03 1055n,20,cif,vYT3,13)
Dog Pees from
Accent on Animation
DOG1 and DOG3 file contains jokes
DOG2 file contains oddities
Subj: The Secret Life Of Pets Trailer (S962d)
Created by Illumination
From: Teena Ferris Miller on Facebook
.......Click 'HERE' to see this cute trailer with voices
.......of Louis C.K., Eric Stonestreet, and Kevin Hart.
Subj: Dog Haiku (S119)
From: smiles on 5/15/99
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look!
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle
I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats
The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the little box
With Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence-why
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their feet.
I fart a big one.
Subj: Free Range Cartoon (S924)
By Bill Whitehead
Subj: Old Dog Comes By For A Nap (S400b, S719)
From: DafterLafter on 9/15/2004
and From: gattica30 on 1/18/2010
One afternoon, a woman was in
her back yard hanging the
laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the
yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and
well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into
the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall
and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the
door, and the woman let him
The next day the dog was back.
He resumed his position in
the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for
Curious, the woman pinned a note
to his collar: "Every
afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with
a different note pinned to his
collar: "We have ten children. He's trying to catch up on
Simon Says (S505d, S878)
From: auntiegah on 9/25/2006
Four kids and a dog play 'Simon
Says.' This video is too
funny to pass up. I laugh so hard each time I see it, I
start to cry. You can enjoy by clicking.'HERE'.
Subj: Fido Goes To College (S260b, S861)
From: dogbyte on 1/23/2002
and From: rfslick on 7/2/2007 and on 7/6/2013
A young boy goes off to college,
but about 1/3 way through
the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his
parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am
I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father. "Dad,"
he says, "you won't believe
the wonders that modern education are coming up with!
Why, they actually have a program here that will teach
Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!"
his father says. "How do I
get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with
$1000," the boy says, "I'll
get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog
and the $1000. About 2/3 way
through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls
his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up
a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this - they've had such good results
with this program, that they've implemented a new one to
teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No
kidding! What do I have to
do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
...And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the
boy has a problem. When he
gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither
talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home,
his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't
wait to hear him talk and
listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have
some grim news. This morning,
when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room
kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper,
like he usually does. He turned to me and asked, 'So, is
your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead
who lives on Oak Street?' "
The father says, "Oh, shit; I
hope you SHOT that lyin' son
of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
From: rfslick on 4/21/2007
This is a cute, dirty video about
You can view by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: High Paid Dog Catcher (S237b)
From: bonehead on 8/13/2001
Residents of San Mateo County
in California are snapping
and snarling now that they've learned that the new ''top
dog'' dogcatcher at the Humane Society, which is funded by
the government, will be offered a pay package worth a
quarter million dollars a year! Yes, a yearly compensation
package, for the chief dogcatcher, worth $250,000 a year!
It includes a yearly salary of $180,000, a $50,000 per year
housing allowance and a $15,000 per year auto allowance and
all the other usual benefits.
This is more than Governor Gray
Davis earns and more than
San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown earns.
San Francisco Chronicle 28-Jul-01
If Dogs Could Talk To God (S212, S606)
From: tadams96 on 2/23/2001
and From: rfslick on 8/13/2008
Subj: USA And Russia In A Dog Fight (S172, S374b)
From: collins2 on 5/18/00
and From: DoctorDebt on 3/26/2004
The Americans and Russians at
the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and
decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They
would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the
world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world.
The Russians found the biggest
meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest
meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and
strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which
gave him all the milk. After five years came up with the
biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed
steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get
When the day came for the dog
fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there
was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with
the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up,
the Dachshund came out of it's
cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The
Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged
the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite
the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and
consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left
at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans
shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened.
We had our best people working for five years with the meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the
biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American
replied. "We had our best
plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator
look like a Dachshund."
Subj: Dog Has Bath With Detergent (S66)
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
A young boy, about eight years
old, was at the corner "Mom
and Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of
laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to
be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said,
"I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.
In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped
and carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still
tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was
back in the store to buy some
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be
an I-told-you-so, said he was
sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to
use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't
think it was the detergent
that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
Subj: Short Dog Jokes
Quotations About Dogs
..........has moved to.Dog-Supp2
Dog Vs. Porcupine (S535b)
From: darrell94590 on 4/17/2007
These two photos are pretty revealing about a pit bull's
Subj: Three Legged Dog Goes In A Bar (S216)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 3/15/2001
A three-legged dog walks into a bar, carrying a shotgun.
He walks up to the bar and says, "Whisky."
Bartender looks at the three-legged
dog and says, "Sure,
but what's with the shotgun?"
The three-legged dog replies,
"I'm lookin' fer the guy
who shot my pa'."
The Dog And The Pool (S533d)
From: edapsmas on 4/9/2007
Subj: Saint Bernard Dies Outside A Bar
From: DR SWITZER on 98-07-06
A man walked into a bar and immediately called out, "Who is
the owner of that Saint Bernard tied up outside?" A man
replied, "It's mine. Why do you ask?"
The first man walked up to him
and said, "I'm sorry, but my
dog just killed your dog."
The owner of the Saint Bernard
was shocked, "Are you kidding
me?! That dog is huge! He's bigger than my car!" The
first guy explained, "Well, he choked on my Chihuahua.
Several Talking Dogs (S525c,d)
From: darrell94590 on 2/6/2007
Subj: Talking To My Dog (S212)
From: flovilla on 2/22/2001
When I talk to my dog, it seems like he can really understand
me....like we're interacting on the same level, as if he were
almost human. Then he eats cat poop out of the litter box
and screws up the whole illusion.
The Dog House (S516c,d)
From: gordonschuk on 11/28/06
..........At: (Removed from riversongs.com)
Subj: A Dog Named Ben Hur (S237)
From: flovilla 8/11/2001
A little boy had a dog with the name, "Ben Hur." Asked if
he had named him, he said, "Yeah. He used to be just plain
old Ben, but he had puppies."
What Having A Dog Teaches (S509c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/23/2006
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Litter Of Puppies Get Shots (S242)
From: flovilla on 9/18/2001
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to
my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As
the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another
in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell
the treated ones from the rest.
So, I turned on the water faucet,
wet my fingers, and
moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After
the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had
grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the
woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they
had to be baptized, too."
A Good Idea (S489c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/1/2006
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Pee Mail... (S292)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/5/2002
My wife and I were watching a show on The Learning
Channel titled, "A Dog's World."
One segment focused on dogs practice
everywhere to define who they are and whose territory
it is, among many other things. "Basically," the
narrator said, "dogs are leaving each other messages."
I looked at my wife and said,
"So I guess we could call
Dogs Made From Flowers (S479c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/24/2006
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Lady With Dog Leaves Movie (S294)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/15/2002
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a
dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to
bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog
was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots,
he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but
most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts.
Did you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found
it very unusual... because
he hated the book!"
Your Dog FiFi (S476b in Chicken)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/27/2006
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
You Know You're A Dog Person When...
From: igiggle on 11/28/2005 (S462b)
Source: (Removed from dogowners.com)
Subj: Woman Complains To Vet About Dog (S317)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/26/2003
(See 'Three Dogs At The Vets' in Dog1)
A woman complained to her veterinarian that her dog would
start humping her everytime he came into the house. "Is
there anything you can do?" she asked.
The doctor said, "Well, we could
castrate him, and then he
would no longer have a sex drive." The woman replies, "That
seems awfully harsh. Couldn`t you just clip his nails and
do something about his breath?"
The GIF - Dog Dreams (S419)
From: Buffalo's Jokes on 02/04/05
At: (Removed from buffalosjokes.com)
One Sick Dog - Cartoon (S419b)
From: Buffalo Jokes on 02/01/2005
Source: (Removed from buffalosjokes.com)
Subj: A Puppy Named Life (S382b)
From: igiggle on 5/25/2004
Marta's old dog died and she bought a new one. Because the
pup was so full of energy she called him Life. Unfortunately,
Marta used her old dog's things on the new one, and while she
was out walking the puppy, its frayed leather strap snapped
and it ran away, never to return.
Moral: It pays to get a
new leash on life.
Doggy Dating (S400b,d)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 8/23/2004
..........Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Virtual Dog (S380b)
From: igiggle on 5/6/2004
Adopt a dog that doesn't shed, pee on the
Subj: Dog Pee Problems (S326)
From: jerry on 4/27/2003
Derbyshire in the UK is spending about $110,000 to check
the bases on about 100,000 streetlights for damage caused
by dogs urinating on the polls. In a neighboring town
one person died and another was severely injured when
lampposts with rotted basis, fell on them.
Ananova (UK) 12-Apr-03
Subj: Comic - Dog And Refrigerator (S372b)
From: JBCARY1 on 3/5/2004
|You can view
Picture - Dog and Towel (S304b)
on 11/26/2002 (in Animal Photos)
Subj: Part of: A Little History From the 1500s in FACTS5
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice
rats, and bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off
the roof -- hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
40 people are sent to the hospital
for dog bites every
Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border
collie; 2) Poodle;
3) Golden retriever. Dumbest: Afghan hound.
From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day
The Factory of the future will have two employees,
a dog and a man.
The man will be there to feed the dog,
the dog will be there to prevent the man from touching
Bawdy.Net Collage #26
My whole love life has been ruined by dogs. When I was young,
I once asked my father about sex. Embarrassed, and not one
to communicate much, he said to go outside, keep my eyes open,
and watch the dogs do it. I did, and my young, innocent psyche
was greatly shocked the first time I saw it in my own back
yard. To this day, I remain very anxious throughout any sex
I've ever attempted. Constantly in fear that my mother will
squirt me with a garden hose.
All trees have bark.
All dogs bark.
Therefore, all dogs are trees.
The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree.
Male friend of mine come over
my house only to see my
dog licking his balls, my friend says, "Boy, I wish I
could do that" I says, "Go ahead, but he bites."
Favorite line from the film, "Pricilla,
Queen of the Desert":
We call the dog Herpes; if you're lucky, it heals.
We call our dog Egypt; because in every room, he leaves a pyramid.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
All dogs will eat cat excretions
due to its Vitamin D content.
From LAWS file.
In Ventura County, California,
cats and dogs are not allowed
to have sex without a permit.
In Temperance, MS, you can't
walk a dog without dressing
it in diapers.
From: humorlist-digest V1 #206 on 97-09-25
A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed
pup for her birthday. An hour later, while wandering through
the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of
the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
From: humorlist-digest V2 #190 on 98-08-15
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #270 on 98-08-31
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
From: auntieg on 98-11-14 (S124)
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
From: pac_navigator on 98-11-23 (S95)
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after
you let him in.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #312 on 10/10/1999
A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to
admire the animal. "What's your dog's name?" she asked.
"Herpes." replied the dog's owner.
"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"
"Because he won't heel."
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 4/1/2001
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/1/2001 (s227,
"I spilled spot remover on my dog--now he's gone."
-- Steven Wright
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/23/2001
"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches
you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If
you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than
you." -- Jay Leno
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/23/2002 (S260)
One reason why dogs have remained a good friend for humans
is perhaps they wag their tail and not their tongue.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/27/2002
Unique excuse for not going to work.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
From: dogbyte on 3/18/2002 (S268c)
Remember: No tree is too big for
a short dog to lift his leg on!
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/16/2003 (SA329b)
Lord help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/8/2003 (S322)
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
From: igiggle on 6/30/2006 (S493b)
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:
pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
Q: What is meaner than a pit
bull with AIDS?
A: Whatever gave it AIDS.
Q: What is the difference between
and a social worker?
A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!
Q: What has four legs and an
A: A happy pit bull.
Q: Did you hear about the cowboy
himself a dachshund?
A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
A: They both lose their bark when they die.
Q: Where do dogs go when they
lose their tails?
A: The retail store.
Q: What did the veterinarian
say to the dog who
kept licking his balls?
A: Thank you.
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Where you left it.
Q: What do you do with a dog
with no legs?
A: Take it out for a drag.
Q: What do you call a dog with
A: Nothing. He won't come when you call him, anyway.
Q: How do you make a dog go meow?
A: Freeze it solid in the freezer, then take a chainsaw to it.
Q: What's a dyslexic agnostic
A: Someone who lies awake at night wondering whether
there is a dog.
Q: Why have dogs been banned
from the vatican?
A: Because they pee on Poles.
Q: How do you give a dog a bone?
A: Rub it in the right place.
Q: What do you call a dog with
no hind legs, and steel balls?
Q: What is the motto of the dyslexics
A: In dog we thrust
Q: What is the noisiest tree
in the forest?
A: The dogwood tree because it barks!
Q: What do you get when an athiest
marries a dislexic ?
A: Kids that don't believe in dogs.
Q: What is the difference between
a dog and a fox?
A: About 5 drinks.
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98 (S62)
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is
on the outside?
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #240 on 98-04-15
Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a blender.
From: RFSlick on 98-08-13
Q: WHAT GOES "MARC MARC"?
A: A dog with a harelip.
From: FrankRoesc on 99-02-19
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q: How does a blind man know
when to pull the rip cord?
A: The dog's leash goes slack.
From: Imogenelumen on 7/10/2003 (S337b)
Q: What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars
they have no intention of driving.
From: DafterLafter on 10/27/2004 (S406b
Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.