Subj: Elephant Jokes
(Includes 82 jokes and articles, 10852n,16,cf)
Elephant from
Animated Cliparts
| >>>
Subj: Elephant Jokes (Includes 82 jokes and articles, 10852n,16,cf) |
|
Elephant from Animated Cliparts |
Also see BIG CATS file- 'Tiger
And Elephant'
Brain Teaser3- 'How To Build
An Elephant'
.........DARWIN
AWRDS2- 'Constipated
Elephant'
FAIRYTAILS - 'Good
Witch Glenda In Oz'
FAT file - 'You're
Fat' - Hippo Photo
HANDICAPPED - 'Hippo
Eats Dwarf'
JOB-STUFF - 'Sales
Methods II'
OTHER-ANIMALS- 'Professional
Competency Test'
OTH-ANIM-SUP2- 'Jungle Juice'
-Movie
PENIS1 file - 'Buddy
Hackett - Elephant Trunk Joke' - Movie
......................-
'Dick
Replaced With Elephant Trunk'
RABBIT file - 'Rabbit
Running Through Forrest'
TWISTEDHUMOR2- 'And You Thought
Your Job Sucked'
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| Subj:
Tara And Bella (S690)
From: brucejohnsonbaugh on 4/10/2010 . |
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This first video is the
original visit
by Steve that was shown on CBS. |
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This is the follow-up
story of what happened at the
Elephant Sanctuary after CBS's original visit. |
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Subj:
Elephant Paints Self-Portrait (S677)
From: Wimp.com on 1/9/2010 |
If I hadn't seen this eight minute
movie, I wouldn't have
believed it. Click on
either source above, or 'HERE'
for
my copy, to watch an elephant
paint a self-portrait.
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Subj: Bird
And Elephant Have Sex (S606c)
An elephant was having a horrible
time in the jungle because
a horsefly kept biting near
her tail and there was nothing
she could do about it.
It was far out of reach.
A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.
"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.
"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's
anything I can ever do for
you, don't hesitate to ask."
The sparrow said, "Well, all
my life I wondered how it
would feel to fuck an elephant."
"Be my guest!", said the elephant.
So the sparrow flew behind the
elephant and started fucking.
In the trees above, a monkey
in the tree saw this and became
very excited. He started
to masturbate, shaking a coconut
loose and it fell from the tree,
hitting the elephant on
the head. "OUCH!", said the
elephant.
Then sparrow looked over from
behind and said, "Am I
hurting you, dear?"
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| Subj:
Kicking Elephant (S533b)
From: darrell94590 on 4/3/2007 . |
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Subj: Elephant
Shit Kills Trainer (S74, DU)
From: mbucher on 98-07-01
(Also see 'Constipated
Elephant' in Darwin Awards2)
Condolences to friends and family of Friedrich Riesfeldt
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous
zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
fed his constipated elephant
Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative
and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the
plugged-up pachyderm finally
let fly -- and suffocated the
keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich,
46, was attempting to
give the ailing elephant an
olive-oil enema when the relieved
beast unloaded on him like a
dump truck full of mud.
"The sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation
knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the
ground, where he struck his head
on a rock and lay unconscious
as the elephant continued to
evacuate his bowels on top of
him," said flabbergasted
Paderborn police detective Erik
Dern. "With no one there to
help him, he lay under all that
dung for at least an hour
before a watchman came along,
and during that time he
suffocated. "It seems
to be just one of those freak accidents
that happen sometimes -a billion-to-one
shot, atleast."
The heartbreaking tale of constipation
and tragedy began
April 23 when the conscientious
zookeeper noticed that his
prize, 8,000-pound African elephant
didn't seem to be
producing his usual poop aplenty.
"Friedrich had actually been
concerned for several days
because he knew that severe
constipation can kill an
elephant," assistant zookeeper
Kurt Herrman recalled. "He
told me he was going to stay
late that Thursday night to
treat Stefan with laxatives
and possibly give him an enema.
"I offered to help, but he sent
me on home, saying he had
everything under control."
But two hours later, horrified
night watchman Walter Pleuger
found Friedrich lying
lifeless under a mound of muck,
his body visible only from
the knees down.
"I had never really thought about
it before," Det. Dern
said. "But obviously,
giving an elephant an enema can be
a very dangerous activity --
and not something that should
be attempted alone."
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Subj:
Pavarotti Loves Elephants (S469b)
by Joel Veitch From: igiggle on 1/16/2006 |
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Subj: Elephant
Training (S296b, DU)
Reggie owned an elephant, but
the cost of feeding it was
getting out of hand. Then
he got an idea. He had seen
elephants lift one leg, and
even two legs. Once in the
circus he'd seen an elephant
lift three legs in the air
and stand on just one.
Reggie announced to the world
that he'd pay ten thousand
dollars to anyone who could
make his elephant stand in the
air on no legs. However,
each person who wanted to try
would have to pay a hundred
dollars.
People came from near and far.
They tried everything from
coaxing to hypnotism, but no
one could make the elephant
rise up in the air.
One day a blue convertible drove
up and a little man got
out and addressed Reggie: "Is
it true that you'll pay me
ten thousand dollars if I make
your elephant get off all
four legs?"
"Yes", Reggie said, "but you've
got to pay me one hundred
dollars to try."
The little man handed Reggie
a hundred-dollar bill. Then
he went back to the car and
took out a metal club. He
walked up to the elephant and
looked him in the eye. Then
he walked behind the elephant
and swung hard, hitting the
elephant smack on the balls.
The elephant let out a roar
and flew up into the air.
After the little man had collected
his ten thousand dollars,
Reggie was very depressed.
He'd only taken in eight thousand
dollars and now he'd not only
lost a couple of grand but
still had the problem of feeding
and housing the elephant.
Suddenly Reggie got another inspiration.
He knew that
elephants could move their heads
up and down, but he had
never seen one move from side
to side. So he announced
that he would pay ten thousand
dollars to anyone who could
make his elephant move his head
from side to side. However,
each person who wanted to try
would have to pay one hundred
dollars.
People came from near and far.
They paid their hundred and
they tried, but, of course,
none succeeded.
Then just when things were going
well, a familiar blue
convertible drove up and the
little man came out. He
addressed Reggie: "Is it true
that you'll pay me ten thousand
dollars if I can make your elephant
move his head from side
to side?"
"Yes", said Reggie, "but you've
got to pay a hundred dollars
to try."
The little man handed Reggie
the hundred dollars. Then he
returned to his car and took
out his metal club. He walked
up to the elephant.
"Do you remember me?" he asked.
The elephant nodded by
shaking his head up and down.
"Do you want me to do it again?"
The elephant quickly shook
his head ... no.
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| Subj:
Elephant Hotel (S447)
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/18/2005 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com /clean_toon.php?id=C19990112 Margate City, NJ (close to Atlantic
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Subj: An Elephant,
A Chicken And A Porsche (S04)
(Also see 'Chicken And
Horse Get Stuck' in HORSE file)
This joke involves an elephant
who is walking through the
jungle. All of a sudden
he falls into a pit. The elephant
is stuck in this pit and realises
that he is going to die,
so naturally he start to scream.
By chance a chicken hears
the screaming of the elephant
and decides to investigate.
He sees the elephant stuck in
the pit and shouts to the
elephant: "Dont worry, I am
going to save you". The chicken
then calls on the King of the
Jungle.
The King of the Jungle promptly
arrives in his *Red Porsche*.
He throws a rope from the Porche
into the pit, the elephant
ties it around himself and the
King of the Jungle pulls him
out of the pit. The elephant
is saved (loud applause).
So grateful is the elephant to
the chicken that he promises
him that he will one day do
the same for him (if the chicken
should ever be in mortal danger).
As chance would have it, the
next week the elephant is
walking thru' the jungle and
hears the screaming of a chicken.
He wanders over and sees that
his friend the chicken is stuck
in a pit. The elephant
shouts "Don't worry chicken I will
save you". The elephant
throws his tail into the pit. The
tail is too short for the chicken
cannot reach it. Undeterred
by this the elephant throws
in his trunk, but, alas this also
is too small. A third
plan occurs to the elephant. He sat
down, and started to think about
his favorite girlfriend
elephant, and promptly got a
raging hard-on. He stuck that
down into the pit. The
chicken grabbed hold the elephants
enormous penis, and the elephant
pulled him out.
Moral of the story:
"If you have a big dick you
don't need a red Porsche to pick
up a chick."
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| Subj:
Lion Seul - Video (S624b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/24/2008 Photo
from Free-3PG-Video.com...
|
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In this video an animated hippo
sings "In the Jungle."
You can view it at the above
source, or on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Family
Goes To The Zoo (S307, S608)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/18/2002
Father, mother and son decide
to go to the zoo one day. So
they set off and are seeing
lots of animals. Eventually
they end up opposite the elephant
house.
The boy looks at the elephant,
sees its penis, points to it
and says, "Mummy, what is that
long thing?"
His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son, is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."
A short embarrassed silenced
after which she replies, "That's
nothing." The mother goes
to buy some ice cream and the boy,
not being satisfied with her
answer asks his father the same
question. "Daddy, what
is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No, at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
The father draws himself up to
his full height and replies,
"I tell you, I spoil that woman..."
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(S628c)
by John Graziano From: Comics.com on 1/2/2009 |
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Subj: The
Elephant, The Turtle And The Giraffe (DU)
There was an elephant by a watering
hole having a drink
when he saw a turtle out of
the corner of his eye. On
seeing the turtle, he ran down
to the water's edge, jumped
up into the air, and landed
on the turtle causing a
horrible mess. There was
a giraffe nearby and he happened
to notice what had occurred
so he asked the elephant why
he had done it. The elephant
replied that the turtle he
had just squashed had bitten
him on the trunk 50 years
earlier. On hearing this,
he told the elephant that he
had an incredible memory.
The elephant replied, "Yes,
turtle recall!!!"
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Subj:
Jessica The Happy Hippo (S686b)
From: lubin100 on 3/5/2010 |
This video about Jessica, the
happy hippo, is very cute.
Click on the above source, or
'HERE'
for my copy, to see it.
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Subj: Three
Guys Get Elephant Parts (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #220 on 97-10-11
(See 'Dick
Replaced With Elephant Trunk' in PENIS1)
Three men were on safari in Africa
one day, when a horrible
thing happened. An elephant
came running out of the bushes
and trampled the three men,
but not before they managed to
kill it.
A plastic surgeon was passing
by in a helicopter and
happened to see the carnage.
He thought that maybe he
could do something, and landed
near the men.
The first guy was in pretty bad
shape. He was missing a
piece of bone in his forehead.
So the surgeon chopped off
part of the elephant's tusk,
put it in the guy's head, and
sewed him up.
The second guy was a little worse.
His skin was ripped up
and torn off, especially around
his neck and face. So the
surgeon sliced some skin off
of the elephant and sewed it
on his second patient.
The third guy was the worse.
The elephant had, while
trampling him,ripped off his
dick. So the surgeon cut off
the end of the elephant's trunk
and sewed it on the guy as
a replacement.
The surgeon ran into his helicopter
and took off, hoping
his patients wouldn't try to
sue him.
Three years later, the plastic
surgeon walked into a bar
and saw the three guys, looking
pretty good. He decided to
approach them and ask how they
were doing.
He said, "Hey, aren't you the
three guy who got trampled
by that elephant? How
are you doing these days?"
The first guy responded, "Man,
I'm great. I feel wonderful,
and you wouldn't believe how
much my memory has improved. I
mean, I can look at a page and
recite it word for word back
to ya."
The surgeon nodded and looked
happy that at least one
person wouuldn't sue him.
He turned to the second guy and
said, "You okay? I heard
your skin got ripped up pretty
badly."
"Yeah," said the guy, " but it's
better than new now. My
skin's so tough you could punch
me and I would barely feel
it. Yeah, I'm a prizefighter
now. I'm goin for the heavy-
weight championship."
That's two who won't sue, thought
the surgeon. He asked
the third guy how he was doing.
"I'm doin real good,man," the
third man replied. "Got a
great sex life, but there's
just this one problem..."
The surgeon got nervous at this
point and hoped that it
wasn't a bad problem.
"What seems to be the problem?" he
asked.
"Well," said the guy, "whenever
they start passing out
peanuts at parties, I always
get thrown out."
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Subj: Short
Elephant Jokes
| Subj:
Young Republican Pool Party (in Polit-Supp2)
From: allenbergman on 11/9/2011 (S774) Drawing
from ClipArtOf.com...
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Subj:
Judging Others (S658b in Camel)
From: rfslick on 8/15/2009 |
| Subj:
A Gigantic Travel Experience (S649)
From: vaterbenicia on 5/31/2009 and From: tom on 6/2/2009 |
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This wasn't in the brochure!
Click 'HERE' to see this
interesting picture.
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Subj:
An Elephant Never Forgets (S551c)
From: ginafm on 8/7/2007 Drawing from Starving-Artists.net |
Top
Subj: A Frickin'
Elephant (S575b)
From: RDOBRY on 1/18/2008
Jake is 5 and learning to read.
He points at a picture in
a zoo book and says, "Look Mama!
It's a frickin' Elephant!"
Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does... " A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't
it wonderful?
| Subj:
Dancing Hippo (S504b)
From: catlynnbray on 9/18/2006 |
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Top
Subj: An Elephant's
Medicine (S255b)
From: CatScratch on 12/18/2001
The San Francisco Zoo has an
elephant named Calle who has
a chronic illness, requiring
medication. The zoo people
couldn't get Calle to take her
dose orally, so a California
pharmacologist developed a suppository.
The 10-inch-long,
four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets
are crafted by the good
folks at Guittard Chocolates
in Burlingame.
Administering the DAILY medication
takes five zoo workers,
including one person to distract
Calle with treats and one
person who wears a full-arm
glove.
Why am I telling you this????
Just think - FIVE people have
jobs worse than yours! Now
stop bitching and get back to
work.
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Subj:
Taking Home A Beauty (S470)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/17/2006 |
| From: AFine963 on 3/21/2008
(S582b)
Do you know why elephants paint their toenails red? No, why? |
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If you are asked to join a parade,
don't march behind
the elephants. -- Zisl
They couldn't hit an elephant
at this dist..
-- General Sedgwick's
last words
Girl goes to a party, drinks
too much and next day wakes
up in bed next to an elephant:
Girl:
Christ, I must have been tight last night
Elephant: Only the first time.
An ant and an elephant share
a night of romance. The next
morning, the ant wakes up and
the elephant is dead. "Damn,"
says the ant, "One night of
passion and I spend the rest of
my life digging a grave!"
Getting anything done around
here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and
screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get
any results.
The very first bomb dropped by
the Allies on Berlin during
World War II killed the only
elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Getting anything done around
here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping,
and screaming involved. And
it takes two years to get any
results.
It says in a book that more than
6000 elephants go each
year to make piano keys!
Isn't it amazing what elephants
can be trained to do!?
An Elephant; A Mouse built
to government specifications.
An elephant is a mouse with
an operating system.
Elephants can't jump. Every other
mammal can.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical
most commonly used
to clean elephants.
From: igiggle on 1/9/2005 (S415b)
Most elephants weigh less than
the tongue of the blue whale.
Q: What's gray and come's in
quarts?
A: Elephants.
Q: How do you know if you pass
an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet
seat down.
Q: What has 2 gray legs and 2
brown legs?
A: An elephant with diarrhea.
Q: Did you hear about the elephant
with diareah?
A: Its all over town.
Q: How do you escape from the
inside of an elephant?
A: Run around until you get
pooped out!
Q: What do you get when you cross
an elephant and a hooker?
A: A Six-Ton pickup.
Q: What does an elephant use
as a tampon?
A: A sheep.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Sheep don't come with a string.
Q: Where is an elephant's sex
organ?
A: In its foot. If it
steps on you, you're fucked.
Q: What is grey, airborne, and
very dangerous?
A: A flying elephant with a
machine-gun.
Q: Why do ducks have web feet?
A: Stamping out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat
feet?
A: Stamping out flaming ducks.
Q: How do you catch an elephant?
A: Dig a big hole, fill it with
ashs, line it with peanuts,
and when the elephant
bends down to pick up a peanut
run up and kick
it in the ash-hole.
Q: What do you do when 200 elephants
are coming at you
from over a hill?
A: Swim for your life!.
Q: What's the black stuff between
an elephant's toes?
A: Slow natives.
Q: What do elephants and ice
cream have in common?
A: They both come in quarts.
Q: What do you get when you cross
an elephant with a hooker?
A: A girl that will do you for
peanuts and never forget you.
Q: How can you tell if elephants
have been mating
in your backyard?
A: All your trashcan liners
are missing.
Q: What do you do to an elephant
with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the
rhino.
Q: What did the elephant say
to the naked man?
A: How do you BREATHE through
that thing?!?br>
Or
A: Yeah, but let's see you pick
up a peanut with it.
Q: How do you get down from an
elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from
a duck.
Q: How does an elephant hide
in the jungle?
A: He paints his nuts red and
sits in a cherry tree.
Q: What is the loudest noise
in the jungle?
A: Giraffe eating cherries.
Q: What's the biggest drawback
of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.
Q: Heard of the wallet made of
elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns
into a briefcase.
Q: How do you know if there is
an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the
ceiling.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Where else would they pack
their luggage?
Q: How do you know when an elephant
has been screwing
in your yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed
and you are missing
a garbage bag!
Q: Why do elephants drink so
much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun,
of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant
gun. You strangle him
until he turns
blue, and then shoot him with a blue
elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so
he turns red, strangle him
until he turns
blue, and then shoot him with a blue
elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow
elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
Q: What's more difficult than
getting a pregnant elephant
in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant
in a VW bug.
Q: How do you make a dead elephant
float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants,
10 tons of chocolate
ice-cream, 5 tons
of bananas...
Q: How do you housebreak an elephant?
A: You get about 900 copies
of the New York Times,
Sunday edition.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant
is getting ready to charge?
A: He pull out his Diners' Club
card.
Q: How do you know when an elephant
has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your
dresser and your mattress
is missing.
Q: What did the female elephant
say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"
Q: How does the male elephant
find the female elephant
when she's lying
down in tall grass?
A: Very attractive.
Q: How do you make an elephant
fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.
Q: What do you do when an elefant
comes through the window?
A: Swim for it...
Q: Have you heard about Hannibal
crossing the Alps
with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
Q: How many elephants does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real
big bulb.
Q: What do you get when you cross
an elephant with a rat?
A: A dead rat with an 18 inch
asshole!
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
Q: What do you give an elephant
with diarrhea?
A: Lots of Room
From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
Q: What do you get when you
cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist
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Smiley elephant from
Millan Net Gif Animations |
