.
 
>>>
Subj:     Elephant Jokes
                 (Includes 88 jokes and articles, 21905,22,cf,md4w,15)

Elephant from
Animated Cliparts
Includes the following:  WildAid - Killing Rhinos - Video (S905)
.........................Tim Conway's Elephant Story - Video (S901)
.........................Elephant and Dog - Bubbles and Bella - Video (S892)
.........................Tara And Bella - Videos (S690)
.........................Lion Seul - Video (S624b)
.........................Elephant Paints Self-Portrait - Video (S677)
.........................Bird And Elephant Have Sex (S606c)
.........................Kicking Elephant - Video (S533b)
.........................Elephant Shit Kills Trainer (S74, DU)
.........................Pavarotti Loves Elephants - Video (S469b)
.........................Elephant Training (S296b, DU)
.........................Elephant Hotel (S447)
.........................An Elephant, A Chicken And A Porsche (S04)
.........................Baby Elephant Loves Cuddling - Video (S888)
.........................Family Goes To The Zoo (S307, S608)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! (S628c)
.........................The Elephant, The Turtle And The Giraffe (DU)
.........................Jessica The Happy Hippo - Video (S686b)
.........................Three Guys Get Elephant Parts (DU)
.........................Short Elephant Jokes
..............................Hippo Cart In 1924 - Photo (S854)
..............................Young Republican Pool Party - Video (S774)
..............................Judging Others (S658b)
..............................A Gigantic Travel Experience (S649)
..............................An Elephant Never Forgets (S551c)
..............................A Frickin' Elephant (S575b)
..............................Bizarro Cartoon (S894)
..............................Dancing Hippo - Video (S504b)
..............................An Elephant's Medicine (S255b)
..............................Taking Home A Beauty (S470)

Also see BIG CATS file- 'Tiger And Elephant'
         Brain Teaser3- 'How To Build An Elephant'
.........DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Constipated Elephant'
         FAIRYTAILS   - 'Good Witch Glenda In Oz'
         FAT file     - 'You're Fat' - Hippo Photo
         HANDICAPPED  - 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'
         JOB-STUFF    - 'Sales Methods II'
         OTHER-ANIMALS- 'Professional Competency Test'
         OTH-ANIM-SUP2- 'Jungle Juice' - Video
         PENIS1 file  - 'Buddy Hackett - Elephant Trunk Joke' - Video
......................- 'Dick Replaced With Elephant Trunk'
         RABBIT file  - 'Rabbit Running Through Forrest'
         TWISTEDHUMOR2- 'And You Thought Your Job Sucked'

=============================================================Top
Subj:     WildAid - Killing Rhinos (S905d)
          From: WildAid
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/dk2lqX4PS6o
 Source2: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152040442111316

 The Duke of Cambridge, David Beckham, and Yao Ming are
 speaking out to protect elephants, rhinos, and sharks for
 future generations in this WildAid message.  The trio met
 in London in September 2013 to film two messages that began
 airing globally, with targeted outreach in China and Vietnam,
 beginning in January 2014 as part of WildAid's demand
 reduction campaign and the Royal Foundation's United for
 Wildlife Collaboration.  Click on either source above, or
 'HERE' for my copy, to watch this important message.

Top
Subj:     Tim Conway's Elephant Story (S901d)
          From: Gary Stranger on Facebook
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/3qqE_WmagjY
 Source2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Family_(sketch)

 Tim Conway destroys his castmates during a "Mama's Family"
 sketch on the "Carol Burnett Show" by refusing to let the
 scene continue until he can finish a story about a circus
 elephant.  Click on the top source, or 'HERE' for my copy,
 to see this very funny outtake scene from the final season
 in 1978. 

 At the end of the scene, Vicki Lawrence quipped (in character),
 "You sure that little asshole's through?"  At that point
 Burnett, Conway and Van Dyke all fell apart, laughing.

Top
Subj:     Elephant and Dog - Bubbles and Bella Best Friends
          From: Carol Ashe on Facebook (S892d)
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/PvNbUnB0438
 Source2: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152203392598630

 This is one of the most adorable animal friendships that
 we've seen in a long time.  Bubbles the African elephant
 and Bella the black Labrador, both residents at the Myrtle
 Beach Safari in South Carolina, have become the best of
 friends, and can often be seen playing in the water together.
 Pictures have been published of them playing fetch in the
 water -- Bubbles throws the ball with her trunk while Bella
 jumps off of Bella's head or back and swims to retrieve the
 ball.  Click on either source above, or 'HERE' for my copy,
 to watch Bubbles and Bella swim together.

Top
Subj:     Tara And Bella (S690d)
          From: brucejohnsonbaugh on 4/10/2010
.
 The Elephant Sanctuary outside of Nashville in Tennessee
 was visited by Steve Hartman from CBS News' Assignment
 America in 2008.  Steve revealed the story of Tara and
 Bella, a elephant and a dog, who are best friends.
.
.
This first video is the original visit
by Steve that was shown on CBS.
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdzassDm7eM?feature=related
 Click on the above source, or 'HERE' to see my copy,
 to see this great story.
.
.
This is the follow-up story of what happened at the
Elephant Sanctuary after CBS's original visit.
 Source: (Removed by YouTube.com)
 Sorry about that.

Top
Subj:     Lion Seul - Video (S624b,d)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 12/24/2008
Photo from Free-3PG-Video.com...
 Source: http://www.free-3gp-video.com/3gp/2006/03/15/lion-seul.html

 In this video an animated hippo sings "In the Jungle."
 You can view it at the above source, or on my web
 site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Elephant Paints Self-Portrait (S677d)
          From: Wimp.com
          on 1/9/2010
 Source1: http://www.wimp.com/elephantpaints/
 Source2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He7Ge7Sogrk

 If I hadn't seen this eight minute video, I wouldn't have
 believed it.  Click on either source above, or 'HERE' for
 my copy, to watch an elephant paint a self-portrait.

Top
Subj:     Bird And Elephant Have Sex (S606c)

 An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because
 a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing
 she could do about it.  It was far out of reach.

 A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.

 "Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.

 "My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.

 "Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for
 you, don't hesitate to ask."

 The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it
 would feel to fuck an elephant."

 "Be my guest!", said the elephant.

 So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking.
 In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became
 very excited.  He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut
 loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on
 the head. "OUCH!", said the elephant.

 Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I
 hurting you, dear?"

Top
Subj:     Kicking Elephant (S533b,d)
          From: darrell94590 on 4/3/2007
.
 In this video, an elephant kicks a ball in every way
 possible.  This is quite cute.  You can view it on my
 web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Elephant Shit Kills Trainer (S74, DU)
          From: mbucher on 98-07-01
          (Also see 'Constipated Elephant' in Darwin Awards2)

     Condolences to friends and family of Friedrich Riesfeldt

 PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
 fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative
 and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the
 plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly -- and suffocated the
 keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

 Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to
 give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved
 beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.

 "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
 knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head
 on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to
 evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted
 Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.  "With no one there to
 help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour
 before a watchman came along, and during that time he
 suffocated.  "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents
 that happen sometimes -a billion-to-one shot, atleast."

 The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began
 April 23 when the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his
 prize, 8,000-pound African elephant didn't seem to be
 producing his usual poop aplenty.

 "Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days
 because he knew that severe constipation can kill an
 elephant," assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman recalled.  "He
 told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night to
 treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema.
 "I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had
 everything under control."  But two hours later, horrified
 night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying
 lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only from
 the knees down.

 "I had never really thought about it before," Det. Dern
 said.  "But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be
 a very dangerous activity -- and not something that should
 be attempted alone."

Top
Subj:     Pavarotti Loves Elephants (S469b,d)
          by Joel Veitch
          From: igiggle on 1/16/2006
 Source: http://www.rathergood.com/elephants/
 This is a short, dumb SWF video unless you lovePavarotti,
 opera, or elephants. You can see it at the source above,
 or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Elephant Training (S296b, DU)

 Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was
 getting out of hand.  Then he got an idea.  He had seen
 elephants lift one leg, and even two legs.  Once in the
 circus he'd seen an elephant lift three legs in the air
 and stand on just one.

 Reggie announced to the world that he'd pay ten thousand
 dollars to anyone who could make his elephant stand in the
 air on no legs.  However, each person who wanted to try
 would have to pay a hundred dollars.

 People came from near and far.  They tried everything from
 coaxing to hypnotism, but no one could make the elephant
 rise up in the air.

 One day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got
 out and addressed Reggie: "Is it true that you'll pay me
 ten thousand dollars if I make your elephant get off all
 four legs?"

 "Yes", Reggie said, "but you've got to pay me one hundred
 dollars to try."

 The little man handed Reggie a hundred-dollar bill.  Then
 he went back to the car and took out a metal club.  He
 walked up to the elephant and looked him in the eye.  Then
 he walked behind the elephant and swung hard, hitting the
 elephant smack on the balls.  The elephant let out a roar
 and flew up into the air.

 After the little man had collected his ten thousand dollars,
 Reggie was very depressed.  He'd only taken in eight thousand
 dollars and now he'd not only lost a couple of grand but
 still had the problem of feeding and housing the elephant.

 Suddenly Reggie got another inspiration.  He knew that
 elephants could move their heads up and down, but he had
 never seen one move from side to side.  So he announced
 that he would pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could
 make his elephant move his head from side to side.  However,
 each person who wanted to try would have to pay one hundred
 dollars.

 People came from near and far.  They paid their hundred and
 they tried, but, of course, none succeeded.

 Then just when things were going well, a familiar blue
 convertible drove up and the little man came out.  He
 addressed Reggie: "Is it true that you'll pay me ten thousand
 dollars if I can make your elephant move his head from side
 to side?"

 "Yes", said Reggie, "but you've got to pay a hundred dollars
 to try."

 The little man handed Reggie the hundred dollars.  Then he
 returned to his car and took out his metal club.  He walked
 up to the elephant.

 "Do you remember me?" he asked.  The elephant nodded by
 shaking his head up and down.

 "Do you want me to do it again?"  The elephant quickly shook
 his head ...  no.

Top
Subj:     Elephant Hotel (S447)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 8/18/2005
 Source:  http://www.lablaughs.com
      /clean_toon.php?id=C19990112
 

 Margate City, NJ (close to Atlantic
 City) is home to Lucy the elephant.

 Lucy is the world's largest elephant and the only one to be
 designated a National Historic Landmark. James V. Lafferty
 built Lucy in 1881. She stands 6 stories high and weighs 90
 tons!  She served as a hotel and then a tavern.  Today
 visitors can tour Lucy's innards and visit her gift shop.

Top
Subj:     An Elephant, A Chicken And A Porsche (S04)
          (Also see 'Chicken And Horse Get Stuck' in HORSE file)

 This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the
 jungle.  All of a sudden he falls into a pit.  The elephant
 is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die,
 so naturally he start to scream.  By chance a chicken hears
 the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate.
 He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the
 elephant: "Dont worry, I am going to save you".  The chicken
 then calls on the King of the Jungle.

 The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*.
 He throws a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant
 ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him
 out of the pit.  The elephant is saved (loud applause).

 So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises
 him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken
 should ever be in mortal danger).

 As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is
 walking thru' the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken.
 He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck
 in a pit.  The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will
 save you".  The elephant throws his tail into the pit.  The
 tail is too short for the chicken cannot reach it.  Undeterred
 by this the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also
 is too small.  A third plan occurs to the elephant.  He sat
 down, and started to think about his favorite girlfriend
 elephant, and promptly got a raging hard-on.  He stuck that
 down into the pit.  The chicken grabbed hold the elephants
 enormous penis, and the elephant pulled him out.

 Moral of the story:
 "If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pick
 up a chick."

Top
Subj:     Baby Elephant Loves Cuddling (S888d)
          Posted by Vivian H
Photo from YouTube.com...
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/ZvVpUGQdJWo

 Arthur and I traveled to Chiang Mai, Thailand, in December
 2012 and visited the Patara Elephant Farm.  At the end of
 our day there, we had the unique opportunity to play with
 a two month old female calf named Tara.  Click on the above
 source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this very joyful video.

Top
Subj:     Family Goes To The Zoo (S307, S608)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 12/18/2002

 Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day.  So
 they set off and are seeing lots of animals.  Eventually
 they end up opposite the elephant house.

 The boy looks at the elephant, sees its penis, points to it
 and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"

 His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."

 "No, at the other end."

 "That son, is the tail."

 "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."

 A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That's
 nothing."  The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy,
 not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same
 question.  "Daddy, what is that long thing?"

 "That's the trunk, son" replies the father.

 "No, at the other end."

 "Oh, that is the tail."

 "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.

 "That is the elephant's penis.  Why do you ask son?"

 "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.

 The father draws himself up to his full height and replies,
 "I tell you, I spoil that woman..."

Top
(S628c)
     by John Graziano
     From: Comics.com on 1/2/2009
 Source: http://comics.com/ripleys_believe_it_or_not/
 

Top
Subj:     The Elephant, The Turtle And The Giraffe (DU)

 There was an elephant by a watering hole having a drink
 when he saw a turtle out of the corner of his eye.  On
 seeing the turtle, he ran down to the water's edge, jumped
 up into the air, and landed on the turtle causing a
 horrible mess.  There was a giraffe nearby and he happened
 to notice what had occurred so he asked the elephant why
 he had done it.  The elephant replied that the turtle he
 had just squashed had bitten him on the trunk 50 years
 earlier.  On hearing this, he told the elephant that he
 had an incredible memory.  The elephant replied, "Yes,
 turtle recall!!!"

Top
Subj:     Jessica The Happy Hippo (S686b,d)
          From: lubin100
          on 3/5/2010
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RB1T10JgDc

 This video about Jessica, the happy hippo, is very cute.
 Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see it.

Top
Subj:     Three Guys Get Elephant Parts (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #220 on 97-10-11
          (See 'Dick Replaced With Elephant Trunk' in PENIS1)

 Three men were on safari in Africa one day, when a horrible
 thing happened.  An elephant came running out of the bushes
 and trampled the three men, but not before they managed to
 kill it.

 A plastic surgeon was passing by in a helicopter and
 happened to see the carnage.  He thought that maybe he
 could do something, and landed near the men.

 The first guy was in pretty bad shape.  He was missing a
 piece of bone in his forehead.  So the surgeon chopped off
 part of the elephant's tusk, put it in the guy's head, and
 sewed him up.

 The second guy was a little worse.  His skin was ripped up
 and torn off, especially around his neck and face.  So the
 surgeon sliced some skin off of the elephant and sewed it
 on his second patient.

 The third guy was the worse.  The elephant had, while
 trampling him,ripped off his dick.  So the surgeon cut off
 the end of the elephant's trunk and sewed it on the guy as
 a replacement.

 The surgeon ran into his helicopter and took off, hoping
 his patients wouldn't try to sue him.

 Three years later, the plastic surgeon walked into a bar
 and saw the three guys, looking pretty good. He decided to
 approach them and ask how they were doing.

 He said, "Hey, aren't you the three guy who got trampled
 by that elephant?  How are you doing these days?"

 The first guy responded, "Man, I'm great.  I feel wonderful,
 and you wouldn't believe how much my memory has improved. I
 mean, I can look at a page and recite it word for word back
 to ya."

 The surgeon nodded and looked happy that at least one
 person wouuldn't sue him.  He turned to the second guy and
 said, "You okay?  I heard your skin got ripped up pretty
 badly."

 "Yeah," said the guy, " but it's better than new now.  My
 skin's so tough you could punch me and I would barely feel
 it.  Yeah, I'm a prizefighter now.  I'm goin for the heavy-
 weight championship."

 That's two who won't sue, thought the surgeon.  He asked
 the third guy how he was doing.

 "I'm doin real good,man," the third man replied.  "Got a
 great sex life, but there's just this one problem..."

 The surgeon got nervous at this point and hoped that it
 wasn't a bad problem.  "What seems to be the problem?" he
 asked.

 "Well," said the guy, "whenever they start passing out
 peanuts at parties, I always get thrown out."


Subj:     Short Elephant Jokes

Top
Subj:     Hippo Cart In 1924 (S854)
          From: tom on 5/25/2013
.

.
Hippo cart in 1924. The hippo belonged to a circus
and apparently enjoyed pulling the cart as a trick.
.

Top
Subj:     Young Republican Pool Party (in Polit-Supp2)
          From: allenbergman on 11/9/2011 (S774d)
Drawing from ClipArtOf.com...
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOoudtiA1pw
 Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy,
 if you would like to see what a young Republican
 pool party looks like.
 

Top
Subj:     Judging Others (S658b in Camel)
          From: rfslick
          on 8/15/2009
 Click 'HERE' to read this cute, off-color joke.
 

Top
Subj:     A Gigantic Travel Experience (S649)
          From: vaterbenicia on 5/31/2009
      and From: tom on 6/2/2009

 This wasn't in the brochure!  Click 'HERE' to see this
 interesting picture.
 

Top
Subj:     An Elephant Never Forgets (S551c)
          From: ginafm on 8/7/2007
Drawing from Starving-Artists.net
 You can read this cute story on my web site by clicking
 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     A Frickin' Elephant (S575b)
          From: RDOBRY on 1/18/2008
 Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in
 a zoo book and says, "Look Mama!  It's a frickin' Elephant!"

 Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

 "It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama!  It says so on the picture!"

 And so it does...  " A f r i c a n Elephant "

 Hooked on phonics!!!  Ain't it wonderful?
 

Top
Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S894)
          By Dan Piraro
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 2/25/2014
Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsand
........living/comics/king_bizarro.html?name=Bizarro
.
.

Top
Subj:     Dancing Hippo (S504b,d)
          From: catlynnbray
          on 9/18/2006
 Source: http://www.mrcomputerservices.com/DancingHippo.htm
 This SWF video clip is cute, but strange.  You can see it
 at the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     An Elephant's Medicine (S255b)
          From: CatScratch on 12/18/2001
 The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has
 a chronic illness, requiring  medication.  The zoo people
 couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a California
 pharmacologist developed a suppository.  The 10-inch-long,
 four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good
 folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.

 Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers,
 including one person to distract Calle with treats and one
 person who wears a full-arm glove.

 Why am I telling you this????

 Just think - FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!  Now
 stop bitching and get back to work.
 

Top
Subj:     Taking Home A Beauty (S470)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 1/17/2006
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20060117
 Some times a picture is worth a thousand words.  You can view
 this one at the source above, or on my web site by clicking
 'HERE'.
 

Top
From: AFine963 on 3/21/2008 (S582b)
 Do you know why elephants paint their toenails red?
 No, why?
 So that no one will see them sitting in the cherry trees.
 But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!
 Precisely!
 Click 'HERE' to view an elephant in a tree.
 
 

If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind
 the elephants.  -- Zisl

 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..
   -- General Sedgwick's last words
 

 Girl goes to a party, drinks too much and next day wakes
 up in bed next to an elephant:
 Girl:     Christ, I must have been tight last night
 Elephant: Only the first time.
 

 An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.  The next
 morning, the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.  "Damn,"
 says the ant, "One night of passion and I spend the rest of
 my life digging a grave!"
 

 Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
 It's done on a very high level.
 There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
 And it takes two years to get any results.
 

 The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during
 World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
 

 Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
 It's done on a very high level.  There's a lot of stomping,
 and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any
 results.
 

 It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each
 year to make piano keys!  Isn't it amazing what elephants
 can be trained to do!?
 

 An Elephant;  A Mouse built to government specifications.
 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
 

 Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
 

 Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used
 to clean elephants.

From: igiggle on 1/9/2005 (S415b)
 Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale.
 

 Q: What's gray and come's in quarts?
 A: Elephants.

 Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
 A: You can't get the toilet seat down.

 Q: What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
 A: An elephant with diarrhea.

 Q: Did you hear about the elephant with diareah?
 A: Its all over town.

 Q: How do you escape from the inside of an elephant?
 A: Run around until you get pooped out!

 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a hooker?
 A: A Six-Ton pickup.

 Q: What does an elephant use as a tampon?
 A: A sheep.

 Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
 A: Sheep don't come with a string.

 Q: Where is an elephant's sex organ?
 A: In its foot.  If it steps on you, you're fucked.

 Q: What is grey, airborne, and very dangerous?
 A: A flying elephant with a machine-gun.

 Q: Why do ducks have web feet?
 A: Stamping out forest fires.

 Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
 A: Stamping out flaming ducks.

 Q: How do you catch an elephant?
 A: Dig a big hole, fill it with ashs, line it with peanuts,
    and when the elephant bends down to pick up a peanut
    run up and kick it in the ash-hole.

 Q: What do you do when 200 elephants are coming at you
    from over a hill?
 A: Swim for your life!.

 Q: What's the black stuff between an elephant's toes?
 A: Slow natives.

 Q: What do elephants and ice cream have in common?
 A: They both come in quarts.

 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
 A: A girl that will do you for peanuts and never forget you.

 Q: How can you tell if elephants have been mating
    in your backyard?
 A: All your trashcan liners are missing.

 Q: What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
 A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

 Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
 A: How do you BREATHE through that thing?!?br>
 Or
 A: Yeah, but let's see you pick up a peanut with it.

 Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
 A: You don't, you get down from a duck.

 Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
 A: He paints his nuts red and sits in a cherry tree.

 Q: What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
 A: Giraffe eating cherries.

 Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
 A: An elephant's foreskin.

 Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
 A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

 Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
 A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

 Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
 A: Where else would they pack their luggage?

 Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing
    in your yard?
 A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing
    a garbage bag!

 Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
 A: To try to forget.

 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
 A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

 Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
 A: No, not with a red elephant gun.  You strangle him
    until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue
    elephant gun.

 Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
 A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him
    until he turns blue, and  then shoot him with a blue
    elephant gun.

 Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
 A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

 Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant
    in a VW bug?
 A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

 Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
 A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate
    ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas...

 Q: How do you housebreak an elephant?
 A: You get about 900 copies of the New York Times,
    Sunday edition.

 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
 A: He pull out his Diners' Club card.

 Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
 A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress
    is missing.

 Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
 A: "Can I be on top this time?"

 Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant
    when she's lying down in tall grass?
 A: Very attractive.

 Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
 A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.

 Q: What do you do when an elefant comes through the window?
 A: Swim for it...

 Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps
    with elephants?
 A: None of the offspring survived.

 Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.

 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
 A: A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole!

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
 Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
 A: Lots of Room

From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
 A: A pachydermatologist

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