(Includes 29 jokes and articles)
Horse ? Flies from
PageWorks
| Subj:
Horse Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 29 jokes and articles) |
|
Horse ? Flies from PageWorks |
Also see BARANIMALS - 'Bar
With Horse'
......................-
'A
Horse Goes Into A Bar Needing A Tie'
BIRD-CHICKEN - 'City
Boy Buys Two Chickens And A Mule'
BROTHERS - 'Two
Brothers At Christmas'
CHRISTMAS1 - 'Kid
Gets Bike For Christmas'
COWBOY file - 'Cowboy
In A Bar Has His Horse Stolen'
......................-
'Cowboy
And His Horse'
......................-
'Cowboy
Kisses Horses Ass'
DRINKING_BR2 - 'Bud Lite
Sleighride'
FARMER1 file - 'Farmer's
Mule Kills Mother-In-Law'
......................-
'Farmer
And Truck Driver Have An Accident'
FARMER2 file - 'Settling
The Will Of A Missouri Farmer'
......................-
'Farmer's
Horse Won't Breed'
GOD2 file - 'God
Created Donkeys, Dogs, Monkeys, And Men'
GOLF3 file - 'A
Series Of Unfortunate Events'
INDIAN file - 'Indian
Gives Lady A Horseback Ride'
JOB1 file - 'Beating
A Dead Horse'
OTHER_ANIMALS- 'Taking
Little Johnny To The Other Zoo'
......................-
'Best
Friends'
MARRIAGE2 - 'Husband
Claimed He Was At The Race Track'
MUSIC-SUPP - 'Horses
Singing Four Part Harmony'
OTHER_ANIMALS- 'Animals
Rescue People'
POETRY file - 'Reincarnation,
By Wallace McRae'
POLIT-BUSH - 'Bush
Meets The Queen'
PREACHER file- 'Minister
Gives A Talk About Sex'
PREACHER-SUPP- 'Preaching
About Horseback Riding'
PRIEST1 file - 'Priest
And The Donkey Race'
RIDDLE-SUPP2 - 'A Dangerous
Ride'
SCHOOL1 file - 'Students
Go To The Race Track'
SHIT file - 'Two
Airplane Passengers Talk'
THO-LEARNED1 - 'A Thought
On Happiness'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Farmer And The Donkey - Movie (S413)
From: janeenmarie on 12/21/2004 |
 |
The SWF Movie - Farmer And The
Donkey can be seen at the
source, or click 'HERE'
for the file version
\\\//
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Subj: Catholic
Horses (S581)
From: AFine963 on 3/7/2008
One day while he was at the track
playing the ponies and all
but losing his shirt, Mitch
noticed a priest who stepped out
onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses
lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a
very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the
horses began lining up, Mitch
watched with interest the old
priest step onto the track.
Sure enough, as the 5th race
horses came to the starting
gate the priest made a blessing
on the forehead of one of
the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting
window and placed a small
bet on the horse. Again,
even though it was another long
shot, the horse the priest had
blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings,
and anxiously waited to see
which horse the priest would
bless for the 6th race. The
priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won.
Mitch was elated. As the
races continued the priest kept
blessing long shot horses,
and each one ended up coming
in first.
Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling
in some serious money. By
the last race, he knew his wildest
dreams were going to come
true. He made a quick
dash to the ATM, withdrew all his
savings, and awaited the priest's
blessing that would tell
him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest
stepped onto the track for
the last race and blessed the
forehead of an old nag that
was the longest shot of the
day. Mitch also observed the
priest blessing the eyes, ears,
and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and
bet every cent he owned on
the old nag. He then watched
dumbfounded as the old nag
come in dead last. Mitch,
in a state of shock, made his
way down to the track area where
the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he
demanded, "Father! What
happened? All day long
you blessed horses and they all
won. Then in the last
race, the horse you blessed lost
by a Kentucky mile. Now,
thanks to you I've lost every
cent of my savings - all of
it!".
The priest nodded wisely and
with sympathy. "Son", he said,
"that's the problem with you
Protestants, you can't tell the
difference between a simple
blessing and last rites".
\\\//
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Subj: Midget
With Lisp Buys A Horse (S418)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/29/2005
A guy calls his buddy, a horse
rancher, and says he's sending
a friend over to look at a horse.
The buddy says, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy," says the guy,
"he's a midget with a speech
impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and
the guy asks him if he's looking
for a male or female horse.
"A female horth," says the midget.
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can
I thee her eyeth?" asks the midget.
So the guy picks up the midget
and he gives the horse's eyes
the once over.
"Nith eyeth," notes the midget.
"Can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella
up again, and shows him the
horse's ears.
"Nith earzth," comments the midget.
"Can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty
annoyed by this point, but
he picks him up again and shows
him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf," states the midget.
"Can I see her twat?"
Totally fed up at this point,
the rancher grabs him under
his arm and jams the midget's
head as far as he can up the
horse's you-know-what, pulls
him out and slams him on the
ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering
and coughing. "Perhapth I
should rephrathe that?" says
the midget. "Can I thee her wun
awound a widdle bit?"
\\\//
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Subj: Riding
Blue Steel (S378b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/27/2004
A city slicker named Tommy was
on vacation in Texas. His
hosts, being very hospitable,
invited him to the local rodeo
especially to see the greatest
bucking bronco of all time,
Blue Steel.
Blue Steel was famed and renowned
throughout the West for
being the toughest meanest horse
there ever was. He had
sent off so many would-be riders
that the rodeo organizers
had promised $10,000 for anyone
who could ride him just for
10 seconds.
That afternoon, all the local
Cowboys tried their best but
Blue Steel lived up to his reputation
and threw them all
off with the greatest of ease.
As a joke the organizers then
offered the prize to anyone
in the crowd who would dare
to tangle with such a beast.
Up jumped Tommy and of course
everyone laughed at him. But
the organizers decided to let
the city boy have a try.
Blue Steel bucked and lunged
but Tommy not only stayed on
the horse for 10 seconds but
he stayed on for 20 seconds,
then 30, then a minute!
A few minutes more and Blue Steel
was so exhausted he calmed down
and Tommy rode him all
around the ring like a birthday
party pony.
Everyone was astonished.
"Considering you've never even
sat on a horse before," said
Tommy's friends "how on earth
did you manage that?"
"Easy," said Tommy "my wife's an epileptic."...
\\\//
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Subj: Horserace
Riddle (S280)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/18/2002
The old king is dying, and wants
to leave his kingdom to
the wiser of his two sons.
He tells them that he will
hold a horserace, and the son
whose horse is the last to
reach the church and come back
will inherit the realm.
Immediately the younger son
jumps on a horse and makes
for the church at top speed.
The king now knows that
this is the wiser son, and leaves
him the kingdom. Why?
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
ANSWER
The younger son jumped on the
older son's horse. He
realized that if they rode their
own horses the race
would never end.
\\\//
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Subj: Farmer's
Donkey Stuck In A Well (S275b)
From: gheckman on 12/10/2001
(Also see the movie 'Farmer
And The Donkey' above)
One day a farmer`s donkey fell
down into a well. The
animal cried piteously for hours
as the farmer tried to
figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was
old and the well needed to be
covered up anyway, it just
wasn`t worth it to retrieve
the donkey. He invited all
his neighbors to come over and
help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and
began to shovel dirt into
the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening
and cried horribly. Then,
to everyone`s amazement, he
quieted down. A few shovel
loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well and was
astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that
hit his back, the donkey was
doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a
step up. As the farmer`s
neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he
would shake it off and take
a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of
the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt
on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of
the well is to shake it off
and take a step up. Each
of our troubles is a stepping
stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not
stopping, never giving up! Shake
it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules
to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
O.K., that's enough of that BS
... The donkey later came
back, caught the farmer out
in the field and kicked the
shit out of him. Then
he went over to each of his neighbors
farms and kicked the shit out
of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
\\\//
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Subj: Cajun
Buys Dead Donkey (S264c, S484b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/13/2002
and
From: thebartend on 5/3/2006
A Cajun named Jean Paul moved
to Texas and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to
deliver the donkey the next
day.
The next day the farmer drove
up and said, "Sorry, but I
got some bad news. The
donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met
up with the Cajun and asked,
"What happened with the dead
donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500
tickets at $2.00 apiece and
made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."
\\\//
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Subj: Father
O'Malley Calls John Kerry (S392)
From: JokesUncut on 7/29/2004
(Also see 'Pastor Finds Dead
Mule' below)
Father O'Malley rose from his
bed. It was a fine spring day
in his new Washington, DC parish.
He walked to the window of
his bedroom to get a deep breath
of the beautiful day
outside. He then noticed there
was a jackass lying dead in
the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called John Kerry's office for assistance.
The conversation went like this.
Since Mr. Kerry’s secretary was
away from her desk he
decided to answer the phone
himself. "Good morning. This
is Senator Kerry. How might
I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself.
This is Father
O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's
a jackass a lying dead
in me front lawn and I thought
ye might like to be
knowing of it. Since ye are
running for election for
president of this great country
I had the idea that it
would be a good idea for ye
to show how civic minded ye
are. Would ye be so kind as
to send a couple o' yer lads
to take care of the matter?"
Senator Kerry, considering himself
to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk, "Well
now father, it was always my
impression that you people took
care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the
line for a long moment. Fathe
O'Malley then replied, "Aye,
that's certainly true, but we
are also obliged to notify the
next of kin."
\\\//
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Subj: Pastor
Finds Dead Mule (S192, S496)
From: mbucher on 9/30/00
and
From: DoctorDebt on 7/16/2006
(Also see 'Father O'Malley
Calls John Kerry' above)
A pastor went to his church office
Monday morning and
discovered a dead mule in the
church yard. He called the police.
Because there did not appear
to be any foul play, the police
referred the pastor to the Health
Department.
The Health Department said that
since there was no health threat
he should call the Animal Control
Department. The supervisor of
the Animal Control Department
said that since the mule was dead
he should call the Sanitation
Department. The Sanitation
Department manager said he could
not pick up the mule without
authorization from the mayor.
Now the pastor knew the mayor
and was not too eager to call
him. The mayor had a bad temper
and was generally hard to deal
with, but since it was the last
resort, the pastor called him
anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint
him. He immediately began to rant
and rave at the pastor and finally
said, "Why did you call me
anyway? Isn't it your job to
bury the dead?"
The pastor paused for a brief
minute and asked the Lord to
direct his response. Then, he
replied, "Yes Mayor, it is my job
to bury the dead, but I always
like to notify the next of kin
first."
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
How To Tell If Your Ass Is Too Small (S526c)
From: darrell94590 on 2/20/2007 |
You can view this cute, 400 KB
movie on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Chicken
And Horse Get Stuck (S168, S528c)
From: mbucher on 4/16/00
and
From: Imogenelumen on 7/13/2003
(Also see 'An
Elephant, A Chicken And A Porsche' in ELEPHANTS)
Once upon a time there were a
horse and a chicken who were good
friends. They lived on
a ranch with lots of other animals and
were very happy. One day, while
they were playing near a pond,
the horse stepped into a hole
of quicksand. The horse rapidly
sank and was yelling for his
friend, the chicken, to save him.
The chicken thought for a minute,
then ran away. The chicken
ran back to the ranchouse, and
jumped into the rancher's BMW.
Luckily, the keys were in the
ignition, and the chicken managed
to start the car, and put it
in gear.
It raced over to the sinkhole,
where the horse had almost
disappeared by now. The
smart chicken tied a rope around the
back of the BMW and threw the
other end around the front legs of
the horse. The chicken
hopped back in the driver's seat and
stepped on the gas. Ever so
slowly, the horse eased out of the
quicksand and jumped to safety.
The horse, still on shaky legs,
stuttered: "You just saved my
life. Thank you!"
The chicken just said, " don't
mention it - That's what friends
are for!!"
A few days later, the horse got
up from a good night's rest, and
heard some muffled cries for
help coming from the backyard. The
horse followed the sounds and
came upon a terrible scene: There
was his best friend, the chicken,
stuck in a hole of quicksand!
The sand was already up to its
neck-feathers and the cries for
help had almost stopped.
The horse took a quick look around:
No rope in sight. And the
rancher had gone to town with
his BMW. What to do?
The horse took a deep breath
and spread his body and legs out
over the hole. His member
was dangling down right above the
poor chicken. "Here, my
friend, grab my thingie and I will pull
you to safety!"
With its last bit of energy,
the chicken grabbed a hold of the
big horse-thingy and the horse
straightened its body, pulling
the chicken from its trap.
With one big step, both were on solid
ground and safe.
The chicken slumped down on the
ground, exhausted: "Now You saved
my life, my friend!!"
The horse just smiled.
And what is the moral of this story?........
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
\\\//
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Subj: Old
Man, A Boy And A Donkey (S140, S557b)
From: RFSlick on 10/07/1999
and
From: ginafm on 9/18/2007
There was an old man, a boy and
a donkey. They were going to
town and it was decided that
the boy should ride. As they
went along they passed some
people who thought that it was a
shame for the boy to ride and
the old man to walk. The man
and boy decided that maybe the
critics were right so they
changed positions.
Later, they passed some more
people who thought that it was a
real shame for that man to make
such a small boy walk. The
two decided that maybe they
both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people
who thought that it was
stupid to walk when they had
a donkey to ride. The man and
the boy decided maybe the critics
were right so they decided
that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people
who thought that it was a shame
to put such a load on a poor
little animal. The old man and
the boy decided that maybe the
critics were right so they
decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they
lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and
drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone,
you might as well kiss your
ass good-bye!
\\\//
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Subj: A Friend
Gives You A Horse (S140)
From: RFSlick on 10/05/1999
The Beginning Of The End....
A friend gives you a horse...
You build a small shelter...$750
You fence in a paddock...$450
Purchase small truck to haul hay...$12,000
Purchase a 2 horse trailer...$2,800
Purchase 2nd horse...$2,500
Build larger shelter with storage...$2,000
More fencing...$1,200
Purchase 3rd horse...$3,000
Purchase 4 horse trailer...$7,500
Purchase larger truck...$18,000
Purchase 4 acres next door...$28,000
More fencing...$2,000
Build small barn...$16,000
Purchase camper for truck...$9,000
Purchase tractor...$12,000
Purchase 4th ? 5th horse...$6,500
Purchase 20 acres...$185,000
Build house...$135,000
Build barn...$36,000
More fencing ? corrals...$24,000
Build covered arena...$82,000
Purchase ?Dually?...$34,000
Purchase gooseneck w/living quarters...$32,000
Purchase 6th, 7th ? 8th horse...$10,750
Hire full time trainer...$40,000
Build house for trainer...$84,000
Buy motor home for shows...$125,000
Hire attorney ? wife leaving you for trainer...$5,000
Declare bankruptcy, wife got everything.
Friend feels sorry for you...gives you a horse.....
\\\//
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Subj: Farmer
Ties Bedsheet On Horse (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #242 on 98-04-28
A farmer buys a cute little filly
that he plans to race next
season. When he gets her
home his old stallion spots her
and starts kicking up dust and
raising all sorts of hell.
The farmer doesn't want her knocked
up because he won't be
able to race her, so he calls
the vet for advice.
The vet tells him to tie a bedsheet
around the horse's rump
to keep the stallion away.
The next day the farmer goes
out to the corral to make sure
the vet's solution worked, but
the filly's nowhere to be
found. The farmer follows
her hoof trail to the neighbor's
farm, and sees the neighbor's
kid out by the barn.
"Hey boy, did you see a filly
run by with a bedsheet tied
around her rump?" the farmer
asks.
The kid replies, "No sir, but
I saw one dash by with a
handkerchief sticking out of
her ass!"
\\\//
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Subj: Zebra
Goes To Heaven (S562c)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #34 on 98-02-04
and
From: ginafm on 10/29/2007
The Zebra died and went to heaven.
At the Gate he asked St.
Peter if he was a white zebra
with black stripes or a black
zebra with white stripes.
St. Peter told him, "You are what
you are."
Well that didn't tell him anything
so St. Peter told him to
ask God when he saw him.
So when he saw God he asked him
was he a white zebra with black
stripes or a black zebra
with white stripes and God told
him, "You are what you are."
The next time he saw St. Peter,
St Peter asked him what God
had said and he told him God
had said, "You are what you are."
So St. Peter said, "Well, you're
a white zebra with black
stripes.
The zebra asked, "How do you
figure that?" and St. Peter said,
" If you had been a black zebra
with white stripes God would
have said, "You is what you
is."
\\\//
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Subj: Horseback
Riding Accident (S45, S352)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #271 on 97-12-08
A blonde decided to try horseback
riding, even though she
has had no lessons or prior
experience. She mounts the
horse unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into
motion. It gallops along
at a steady and rhythmic pace,
but the blonde begins to slip
from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the
horse's mane, but cannot seem
to get a firm grip. She
tries to throw her arms around the
horse's neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse
anyway. The horse gallops
along, seemingly impervious to
its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail
grip, she leaps away from the
horse to try and throw herself
to safety. Unfortunately,
her foot has become entangled
in the stirrup and she is
now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her
head is struck against the ground
again and again and
again. As her head is
battered against the ground, she is
mere moments away from unconsciousness
when to her great
fortune............
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter,
sees her dilemma and unplugs
the horse. And you thought
all they did was say "Hello"
and give you a cart.
\\\//
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Subj: Horse
Race At Tydall Beach
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
Horses in race are:
1. Passionate Lad
6. Clean Sheets
2. Bare Belly
7. Thighs
3. Silk Panties
8. Big Dick
4. Conscience
9. Heavy Bosum
5. Jockey Shorts
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post
They're off! Conscience
is left behind at the post. Jockey
Shorts and Silk Panties are
off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is
being pressured. Passionate
lady is caught between Thighs
and Big Dick is in a very dangerous
spot.
At the Halfway Mark
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs
open and Big Dick is pressed
in. Heavy Bosum is being
pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are
working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific
pressure from Big Dick.
At The Stretch
Merry Cherry cracks under the
strain. Big Dick is making
a final drive. Bare Belly
is in and Passionate Lady is
coming.
At The Finish
Its Big Dick giving everything
he's got and Passionate Lady
takes everything Big Dick has
to offer. It looks like a
dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final squirt
and wins by a head. Bare Belly
shows. Heavy Bosum weakens
and Thighs pull up Clean Sheets
never had a chance...
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Horse Jokes
| Subj:
The Mule And The Lion (S516b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/4/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Going For A Ride With Your Horse (S479c)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 3/24/2006 |
| Subj: Patches The Horse
- Movie (S418b)
From: mebharkins on 1/30/2005 At: http://www.bassfiles.net/PatchestheHorse.wmv |
 |
Top
Subj: Man
Checks Horses Before Buying (S319)
From: RFSlick on 3/8/2003
Little Johnny attended a horse
auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved
from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down
the horse's legs, rump,
and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
"Dad, why are you
doing that?"
His father replied, "Because
I'm buying horses. I have
to make sure that they are healthy
and in good shape
before I buy."
Johnny looked worried, "Then
I think we'd better hurry
home right away."
"Why?" said his father.
"Because the UPS man stopped
by yesterday, I think he
wants to buy Mom."
The United States has never lost
a war in which mules
were used.
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
If a statue in the park of a
person on a horse has both
front legs in the air, the person
died in battle; if the
horse has one front leg in the
air, the person died as a
result of wounds received in
battle; if the horse has all
four legs on the ground, the
person died of natural
causes.
From: TAdams on 3/21/2001 (S216)
"An optimist is someone who,
when he finds a pile of manure
under the Christmas tree, exclaims,
"I'm getting a pony!"
-- Ronald Reagan
From: KMACINTY on 8/13/2002 (S289b)
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
This is really a lovely horse,
I once rode her mother."
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/27/2003 (S317b)
You cannot train a horse with
shouts
and expect it to obey a whisper.
From: igiggle on 5/19/2003 (S329b)
More people are killed by donkeys
every year
than are killed in plane crashes.
From: igiggle on 1/2/2004 (S365b)
No matter when a race horse
is born, they all
"become" a year older on New
Year's Day.
From: CatScratch on 3/7/2002 (S267c)
Q: What do you call an Amish
guy with his hand
up a horse's ass?
A: A mechanic!
From: A fellow wood carver on 12/29/04
(S414b)
Q: How do you make an Appaloosa?
A: Yu shaka da tree.
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Smiley on horseback from
Smiley_Central |