>>> Subj:     Monkey Jokes (Gz)                  (Includes 20 jokes and articles)

Monkey ? Bananas from Animation Factory

Also see BARANIMALS   - 'Bar With Monkey'
......................- 'Monkey Goes To A Bar'
......................- 'Gorilla Goes Into A Bar'
         BIG CATS file- 'The Dog And The Leopard'
         COMPUTERS2   - 'Buying A Monkey From A Pet Shop'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Love Sick Orangutan'
         GAMES2 file  - 'Monkey Keepy Ups' (a game)
         GOD2 file    - 'God Created Donkeys, Dogs, Monkeys, And Men'
         SHIPS file   - 'Storing Cannon Balls'
         StarTrekSpac2- 'Monkeys In Space'
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'Trucker Picks Up A Hitchhiker'
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Subj:     Monkey In Bar Tells Joke (S486 in Bar_Animals)           From: darrell94590           on 5/9/2006

 You can view this very funny movie on my web site by
 clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     College Girl Buys Monkey (S322)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 4/4/2003
          (See 'Hairy Dog Is Hard Of Hearing' in Dog2)

 Grumbling about the distance between campus buildings, a
 daughter wrote home to her father, who happened to be a
 veterinarian, asking for money to buy a second hand
 motorcycle.

 By the time the money arrived, she had changed her mind and
 bought a monkey instead.

 After several weeks, the monkey started losing its hair.
 Hoping her father would know how to cure it, she wrote him
 a letter. "Dad, please help. All the hair is falling off my
 monkey. What should I do?"

 A couple of days later, she received a reply from her
 worried father. It read, "Sell the damn motorcycle!"

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Subj:     Gay Guy Trapped In Ape Cage (S312b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/5/2003

 There's this gay guy that goes to the zoo. He's having a
 great old time feeding the monkeys and giraffes.

 He goes over to the ape cage, and makes some silly faces
 at the ape.  All of a sudden, the ape reaches through the
 bars, and grabs the guy, and pulls him into the cage.

 WHAM! The ape slams the gay guy against the wall.  SMASH!
 he takes him and throws him onto the floor.  RIP!  He
 tears off all his clothes.

 The ape bends the guy over, and SMOOSH! jams his big ape
 dick right up his ass, and then WHAM!  He slams him on his
 back onto the floor.  Then, BAM! SMOOSH!  The ape pounces
 on top of him, and jams his prick right up the poor gay
 guy's ass again.

 This poor guy is all beaten up and bloody.  The ambulance
 arrives and rushes him to the hospital.

 The next day, the guy's boyfriend swishes into the
 hospital room, and sees him, and says: "OH MY GOD!  Look
 at you!  You're all bloody, and your arm is broken, and
 your leg is broken!  How do you feel??"

 And the gay guy says: "How should I feel?  He doesn't call,
 he doesn't write..."

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Subj:     Evolution -- The Monkey's Viewpoint (S79)
          From: smiles on 98-08-03

 Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree
 Discussing things as they're said to be.

 Said one to the others, "Now listen you two,
 There's a certain rumor that can't be true.

 That man descended from our noble race.
 The very idea!  It's a dire disgrace.

 No monkey ever deserted his wife,
 Starved his baby and ruined her life.

 And you've never known a mother monk,
 To leave her baby with others to bunk,

 Or pass them on from one to the other,
 Till they hardly know who is their mother.

 And another thing you'll never see
 A monk build a fence around a coconut tree,
 And let the coconuts go to waste,
 Forbidding all other monks a taste.
 Why, if I put a fence around this tree,
 Starvation would force you to steal from me.

 Here's another thing a monk won't do,
 Go out at night and get on a stew.
 Or use a gun or club or knife,
 To take some other Monkey's life.

 Yes!  Man descended, the ornery cuss,
 But, brother, he didn't descend from US!

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Subj:     Two Nuns Visit Gorilla Cage
          From: RFSlick on 98-04-30

 Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday
 in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla
 cage at the Bronx Zoo.

 The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent
 the bars, lept to the ground and pumped her like crazy. Then
 he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed
 thumping on his massive chest.

 The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted
 her clothes, turned to her companion and said, "We shall never
 talk about this, agreed?" The other young nun consented.

 Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close
 friend, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the
 second nun asked her friend," I know I agreed never to talk
 about the event at the zoo but I have one question."

 The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!"

 The other nun stammered, then asked,   "Did it hurt?"

 "Did it hurt?  Oh yes it hurt!  He never called..., he never
 phoned..., he never sent flowers...!"

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Subj:     Mime Wears A Gorilla Suit (S55 and S324)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #43 on 98-02-14
      and From: gheckman on 4/14/2003

 One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and
 attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
 Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a
 zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

 The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most
 popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the
 keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
 He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla
 until they can get another one.  The mime accepts.

 So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit
 and enters the cage before crowd comes.  He discovers
 that it's a great job.  He can sleep all he wants, play
 and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than
 he ever did as a mime.  However, eventually the crowds
 tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.  He
 begins to notice that the people are paying more attention
 to the lion in the cage next to his.  Not wanting to lose
 the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of
 his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the
 top to the lion's cage.  Of course, this makes the lion
 furious, but the crowd loves it.

 At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the
 mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

 Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting
 the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps
 going up.  Then one terrible day when he is dangling over
 the furious lion he slips and falls.  The mime is terrified.
 The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.  The mime
 is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage
 with the lion close behind.  Finally, the mime starts
 screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is
 quick and pounces.  The mime soon finds himself flat on his
 back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,

 "Shut up you idiot!  Do you want to get us both fired?"

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Subj:     Couple Visit Gorilla Cage (S17, S444)
          From: RobertTompkins on 97-05-27
      and From: DoctorDebt on 7/22/2005

 It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are
 at the zoo.  She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring
 dress, sleeveless w/straps.

 As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a
 very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.  He jumps up on the
 bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
 his chest w/the free hand.  He is obviously excited at the
 pretty lady in the wavy dress.

 The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife
 tease the poor fellow.  The husband suggests she pucker her
 lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.  She does and Mr.
 Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake
 the dead.

 Next the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall,
 she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

 Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the
 gorilla absolutely crazy.

 Seeing the gorilla's reaction the husband said "Lift your
 dress and show him your ass".  The wife turns around, lifts
 the back of her dress, and lowers her panties.  The gorilla
 began to pant and had sweat pouring off his gorilla eyebrows.
 He started jumping up and down and running around his cage.

 The husband whispers "Now show him your pussy".  The wife
 hesitated a moment, looks around for witnesses, and showed
 the gorilla her pussy.  The gorilla was now going completely
 crazy with sweat pouring off his brows and an enormous
 gorilla hard-on. He was jumping up and down frantically.

 Quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the
 cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM
 you have a headache."

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Subj:     Bloke Flips Off Gorilla

 A bloke goes to the zoo and is looking at the gorilla
 he scratches his head - the gorilla scratches its head
 he pulls his ear - the gorilla pulls its ear he taps his
 nose - and the gorilla goes berserk - pulls the bars of
 the cage apart and beats the bloke to shit. On speaking
 to the zookeeper the bloke finds out that a nose tap is
 gorilla for 'fuck off' but is determined to get his revenge
 for the beating he's just taken.

 Next day he goes to see the gorilla - only this time he has
 a length of rubber hose hidden in his trousers and two razor
 blades.

 He goes up to the gorilla and gives him a razor blade he
 scratches his head - gorilla does the same he pulls his ear
 - gorilla does the same thing.  He makes a cutting motion in
 the air with his blade the gorilla does the same.  He then pulls
 the piece of hose out from his fly and cuts it with the razor
 blade.

 The gorilla taps his nose.

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Subj:     Gorilla with CRS (S396b)
          From: JokesUncut on 8/24/2004
          at http://www.ezines4all.com/at200407/040.htm
 

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Subj:     Man Asked To Mate Gorilla (S11 & S343b)
          From: pns on 8/20/2003

 It was a frustrating day at Taronga zoo, in Sydney, as the
 gorilla captive breeding program had taken a turn for the
 worse.  Milly, the on-heat female gorilla, was not having
 a bar of the impressive male gorilla imported from a zoo in
 Europe.  Many people had turned out to to see the sight of
 these magnificent beasts, shackled together at their basest
 level, but regardless of the amount of hormones sprayed
 around the area or the eagerness of the male gorilla, Milly
 just sat in the corner and sulked.

 When it became clear that nothing was going to happen, the
 crowd began to disperse, allowing those at the back to push
 forward for a closer look.  As this rather striking gentleman
 pushed to the front, Milly whipped around, raling and
 screaming, and blowing kisses.

 The head zookeeper saw this, and rushed excitedly to the man.
 "Please sir, you have to help us.  In order to save these
 magnificent animals from extinction, they have to breed in
 captivity, and you are the only thing that has ever excited
 Milly here.  Please, could you help us out?""

 "What....me and the gorilla?"

 "Yes, as you say, you and the gorilla.  There will, of course,
 be $500 compensation, for any incovenience." stated the
 zookeeper.

 The gentleman looked troubled.  "Give me a few minutes to
 think."  He wandered away a little, whilst Milly winked, and
 gestured to him in a most provocative manner.

 The gentleman returned shortly and stated: "Alright, I'll do
 it, but under 3 conditions".

 "Certainly sir, and what might those be?" inclined the keeper.

 "Firstly, the offspring of this coupling must never know who
 his father was?"

 The keeper readily agreed to this.

 "Secondly, this child must get the best education available."

 The keeper grudgingly accepted.  The state would have to
 shoulder the financial responsibility, if the species were to
 survive.  The keeper, sensing the man's nervousness, leaned
 forward and asked, "Well sir, what is your third condition?"

 The man looked around sheepishly and asked "Well, would it be
 all right if I had six months to pay?"

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Subj:     Gorilla In A Tree (S98 & S343b)
          From: JOELFALLON on 98-12-11
      and From: RFSlick on 8/26/2003

 A fellow was out in his back yard watering his garden when
 he looks up in his apple tree and notices a HUGE gorilla
 sitting in the tree.  He runs inside his house and telephones
 the local zoo to report what he has seen.

 "Oh, that would be Sampson he escaped from here early today,
 we have been searching for him everywhere.  On no account go
 near him!, he is extremely dangerous!.  We will be around to
 get him straight away!"

 The chap waited indoors and in a few minutes there was a knock
 on the door.  On answering the door he found a zookeeper
 carrying a net, a shotgun and a tiny fox terrier dog.  He
 showed the zookeeper to the garden. "Oh yes that`s Sampson
 alright, he`s a nasty bastard so you will have to help me
 catch him"  The chap agreed and asked what he had to do.

 "Well you hold the shotgun and the dog,, I will climb the tree
 with the net.  When I am up the tree I will shake the branch
 that Sampson is sitting on.  When he falls from the tree let
 the dog go, he has been specially trained to attack and bite
 the balls and hang on, this will stun the gorilla and I will
 throw the net over him and we have got him!"  With this the
 zookeeper started to climb the tree.

 "Hey hold on! What's the shotgun for!"

 "Christ! I nearly forgot!.. If when I shake the tree I fall
 out, SHOOT THE FUCKING DOG!!!!"

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Subj:     Man Pays To Loose Weight Vers. 1st (S337)
          From: gheckman on 7/8/2003

 A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs due to
 very serious health risks.  As he wondered how in the heck
 he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper
 for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

 "Guaranteed.  Yeah right!" he thought to himself.  But
 desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10
 pound weight loss program.

 The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers,
 there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old
 babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and
 a sign round her neck.  She introduces herself as a represent-
 ative of the weight loss company.  The sign reads, "If you can
 catch me, you can have me."

 Without a second thought he takes off after her.  A few miles
 later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his
 way with her.  After they are through and she leaves, he thinks
 to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"  The
 same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing
 happens.

 On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find
 he has lost 10 lb. as promised.  He calls the company and
 orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

 The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
 most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his
 life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign
 around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
 He's out the door after her like a shot.

 This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to
 catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

 For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to
 his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he
 has lost another 20 lbs.  He decides to go for broke and calls
 the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

 "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is
 our most rigorous program."

 "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

 About 6:00 am the next morning, the man got out of bed, splashed
 some cologne on and got ready for the next representative.  At
 about 7:00 am, he gets a knock at the door.  When he opens the
 door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck
 stating "If I catch you, I'm going to screw you!"

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Subj:     Men Pay To Loose Weight (2ed version)

 There were three men who went to a slimming centre.
 The firstman went in and took the $200 treatment. He was put into a
 room with a girl. The girl then said that if he could catch her, he
 could screw her. He did, and lost 30 lbs. while at it.

 The second man, who applied for the $500 treatment. He was also
 put in the same room, but this time with TWO girls, and lost 40
 lbs. while getting a good screw.

 The third man asked for the $1000 ULTRA-TREATMENT. He was also put in
 the same room, only a gorrila was in it. The gorrila then said, "If I
 catch you, I'LL FUCK YOU!!!!

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Subj:     Short Monkey Jokes

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Subj:     Monkey With A Death Wish (S590b)           From: darrellvip on 5/4/2008 Photo from Yahoo! Video...

 This 6,500 KB movie is cute.  Click 'HERE' to view it.
 

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Subj:     Monkey Kissed (S512c)           From: MadManJokes           on 11/12/2006

 Source: http://www.madmanjokes.com/Movies/KissMe.html
 You can view this cute, 6,100 KB movie at the source above,
 or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Chimp (S393b in Movie)           From: unknown  Short, very funny chimp movie.  Click 'HERE' to

 view.  You will be viewing the movie through your
 computer's 'Media Player'.
 

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Subj:     Trunk Monkeys (S555 - cars-supp)           From: AFine963           on 9/7/2007

 These are four very funny commercials from the
 Suburban Auto Group.  Click 'HERE' to view.
 

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Subj:     Monkey Poop Coffee (S275)
          From: jerry on 11/27/2001
 There are those in the U.S. who are willing to pay $5
 for a cup of coffee made from beans that were swallowed
 by one end of Indonesian monkeys and collected from the
 other end.  It is believed that these monkeys, which
 live in the palm-woods of Sumatra and Java eat only the
 best of the coffee beans, without chewing so therefore
 what comes out of them must therefore quite obviously
 be the best of the coffee beans.

 It's not just Americans who have taken a liking to the
 "monkey poop roasting method."  People in Indonesia
 have been drinking this for hundreds of years and so
 do, apparently, Europeans.

 Pravda (Russia) 23-Nov-01
 http://english.pravda.ru/fun/2001/11/23/21842.html
 

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Subj:     Organizational Theory (S109)
          From: gheckman on 99-03-02
          (See 'Blue Bird Sings Inside Manure' in BIRDS)
          (See 'Corporate Lessons' JOBS2)
 An organization is like a tree full of monkeys - all on different limbs,
 at different levels, some climbing up, some dropping down.

 The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
 The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
 

From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
 One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books--
 the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
 In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
 "Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's
 keeper or my keeper's brother."

 Q: How do you train King Kong?
 A: Hit him with a rolled up newspaper building.

From: humorlist-digest V1 #206 on 97-09-25
 Q: Where do monkeys pick up wild rumors?
 A: Over the apevine.

From: JBCARY1 on 8/22/2001 (S238)
 Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
 A: Because they have big fingers.

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monkey from Smiley_Central

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