Subj: Other Animal Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 75 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Other-Animal-Supp
Squirrel from
AGAG Animation Gallery
| >>>
Subj: Other Animal Jokes (Gz) (Includes 75 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Other-Animal-Supp |
|
Squirrel from AGAG Animation Gallery |
Also see ALLIGATORS - 'Florida
Airport Work Site'
ASCII ART I - 'ASCII
Dragon'
......................-
'ASCII
Bat'
AUSTRALIAN - 'Lost
Australian Sheep'
......................-
'Australian
Bushman First Time With Woman'
BALLS file - 'Lobsters
In The Pants'
BAR-ANIMALS - (see
whole file)
BIRDS file - 'The
Buzzard, Bat, And Bumblebee'
......................-
(see
all files)
BUGS-ETC - 'Lessons
Learned From Worms'
CARS-SUPP - 'Reason
I'm Late For Work'
CHRISTMAS4 - 'Reindeer
Antlers'
CHURCH-SUPP - 'Squirrels
Invade Three Churches'
COMPUTER-SUPP- 'Computer Problems'
......................-
'The
Floys'
DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Repaving
The Highway'
DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Rattlesnake
Catch'
......................-
'Shooting
Raccoons'
DOCTOR3 file - 'Doctor
Sleeps With Patient'
.........DRINKING
file- 'Beer
And Brain Cells'
DWARFS file - 'Seven
Dwarfs Meet The Pope'
ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Carrying
Bucket, Anvil, 2 Chickens, and a Goose'
FACTS3 file - 'WGASA
Bush Line'
......................-
'Silver
Bullet:'
FACTS4 file - 'Marauding
Moose'
FISHING2 file- 'A Shark's Love'
......................-
'Redneck
Fisherman Sees Snake'
......................-
(See
whole file)
FOOTBALL file- 'Animal
Football'
......................-
'Man
w/Dachshund Goes To A Bar'
FUNERAL file - 'Little
Tommy's Fish Dies'
Ghosts file - 'Professor
Talks About Ghosts'
GOLF2 file - 'Squirrel
Golf'
HARLEY file - 'The
Biker And The Squirrel'
HOOKER2 file - 'Vet's
Mother Donates Money To Church'
HORSE file - 'Chicken
And Horse Get Stuck'
HUNTING file - 'Father
Takes Son Hunting'
JOBS2 file - 'Corporate
Lessons'
LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyers
As Test Rats'
MOVIES?TV?PLY- 'Pets
On Stage'
NATIONAL2 - 'Congresswoman
Flies To Rhino, New York'
OTHER PPS - 'Extraordinary
Nature Photos'
PENIS1 file - 'Drug
Makes Your Dick Last'
POLICE2 file - 'Police
Stop Man w/Penguin'
POLIT-BUSH-SU- 'Bush
Is A 'Post Turtle''
RABBIT file - 'The Rabbit Vs The
Snake' Movie
......................-
'Rabbit
Running Through Forrest'
......................-
'Bambi
And Thumper Do Exist'
RELIGION2 - 'Discussing
Jonah ? The Whale'
SANTA file - 'Santa's
Reindeer'
SEX1 file - 'A
Taste Of Life'
SEX3 file - 'Animal
Sex Facts'
.........SHERLOCKHOLMS-
'Sherlock
Holmes Riddle'
SHIT file - 'Two
Airplane Passengers Talk
SOLDIER2 file- 'Special
Camouflage Unit'
SOUTHERN - 'Taxidermist
In Alabama Bar'
WORD-JOKES2 - 'Two
Weevils Grew Up'
============================================================Top
 |
Subj:
Carrier Penguin (S477)
From: igiggle on 3/5/2006 |
This is one way to get your message
across in a SWF movie.
The source will show you haw
to put your message in the
movie, but it loads very slowly,
or you can view my message
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Turtle
Climbs A Tree (S470b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/18/2006
A baby turtle was standing at
the bottom of a large tree and
with a deep sigh, started to
climb. About an hour later, he
reached a very high branch and
walked along to the end. He
turned and spread all four flippers
and launched himself off
the branch.
On landing at the bottom in a
pile of soft, dead leaves, he
shook himself off, walked back
to the bottom of the tree and
with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again
reached the very high branch,
walked along, turned, spread
his flippers and flung himself
off the branch.
Again, he landed on the bottom,
shook himself off, went to
the bottom of the tree, sighed
and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from
the end of the branch were
two little birds. Mummy
bird turned to Daddy bird and said,
"Don't you think it's time we
told him he was adopted?"
\\\//
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| Subj:
The Llama Song (S469b)
by Burton Earny From: igiggle on 1/15/2006 |
 |
This SWF movie is a very catchy
little song with pictures.
You can view it at the source
above, or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Animals
Rescue People (S405b)
From: DafterLafter on 10/21/2004
I could not find any references
to these stories at
Urban Legends Reference Pages
at http://snopes.com/.
So I doubt these stories are
true.
Priscilla the pig of Houston,
Texas rescued an 11-year-old
boy from drowning. Priscilla
spotted Anthony Melton swim-
ming in Lake Somerville and
noticed he was having trouble.
She swam out to him, used her
snout to keep his head above
water until he could hold on
to her collar, and then dragged
him to shore.
Carletta the cow saved her owner,
Bruno Cipriano of Tuscany
in when she charged at a boar
that was about to attack him
and butted it with her horns.
Bracken the Collie saved his
owner, Ian Elliot, when he was
chopping down trees on his Canadian
farm and a pine tree
crashed on to him breaking his
back. Bracken lay across him
to maintain his body temperature.
When Bracken heard voices
in the distance, he ran to the
men and led them back to his
injured master.
A school of dolphins saved Adam
Maguire when he was surfing
near Sydney and was attacked
by a shark. As the shark moved
in for the kill it was distracted
by a school of dolphins
thrashing around in the water.
To prevent the shark reaching
Maguire, then dolphins then
swam around him in circles until
his friends had managed to rescue
him.
\\\//
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Subj: Hamster
Jokes (S381b)
From: igiggle on 5/12/2004
Q: Where does a hamster go for
Spring Break?
A: Hamsterdam!
Q: When do hamsters run away
from rain?
A: When its raining cats and
dogs!
Q: What's gray and furry on the
inside and white on the outside?
A: A hamster sandwich!
Q: What do you call a hamster
that can pick up an elephant?
A: Sir!
\\\//
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| Subj:
Taking Little Johnny To The Other Zoo (S336b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/29/2003 . |
 |
Little
Johnny
from Yahoo! Images |
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have
a good time?" asked his
mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked
it," exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, "especially when
one of the animals came racing
home at 30 to 1!"
\\\//
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Subj: Snake
Bites (S307)
From: JokesUncut on 12/16/2002
A young honeymoon couple were
touring southern Florida
and happened to stop at one
of the rattlesnake farms
along the road. After
seeing the sights, they engaged
in small talk with the man that
handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride.
"You certainly have a
dangerous job. Don't you
ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "just
what do you do when you're
bitten by a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp
knife in my pocket, and
as soon as I am bitten, I make
deep criss-cross marks
across the fang entry and then
suck the poison from
the wound."
"What, uh... what would happen
if you were to
accidentally *sit* on a rattler?"
persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler,
"that will be the
day I learn who my real friends
are."
\\\//
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Subj: Snake
Sees Doctor For Glasses (S257b)
From: dogbyte on 1/2/2002
An old snake goes to see his
Doctor. "Doc, I need something
for my eyes, I can't see very
well these days."
The Doc fixes him up with a pair
of glasses and tells him
to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks
and tells the doctor he's
very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but
I just discovered I've been
living with a water hose the
past 2 years!"
\\\//
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Subj: Choosing
A Family Pet (S241b)
From: pns on 9/5/2001
A pet can be a wonderful addition
to a household, but it's
important to choose one that's
right for your family. Here
are some tips for making the
right choice.
Pets eventually grow old and
die, causing your children
great emotional trauma.
Be sure to only choose pets which
will outlive them, such as the
giant Pacific sea tortoise.
Select a pet with which you can
experience both eros and
agape.
Be sure to check for the appropriate
number of limbs
before you get your new pet
home.
Don't forget: Poodles are for big, flaming faggots.
Pets soiling the rug in your
house will only be a
problem if they are given food
and water.
Pick any pet you like. If you
later decide you don't
like it, simply kill it and
feed it to your next
"try-out" pet. Repeat
as many times as necessary until
you find the perfect pet for
your family.
Pets are loving, trusting creatures.
Do not treat them
with the same cruelty and neglect
you do your children.
Though most experts advocate
spaying or neutering your
pet, it's expensive, it's a
big hassle, and it screws
with your pet's mind.
To hell with spaying and neutering.
Don't choose a pet that is larger
than your family can
handle, unless you have plenty
of room to store the
leftovers.
Only choose a pet you are reasonably
confident you can
defeat in hand-to-hand struggle,
in case of food-chain-
hierarchy disputes.
For a fun and low-maintenance
pet, consider a "jar cat."
Place a kitten in a 16-ounce
jar and seal the lid. Your
new pet won't get any bigger
and will never run away or
get into fights.
Before letting your children
play with their brand-new
pet, remove potentially dangerous
teeth and claws with
a hand-held rotating saw.
For those parents concerned about
the added expense a
pet brings, remember: Many pets
and children may be fed
to one another.
Pet ownership is a great way
to teach children about the
entire cycle of life, from the
miracle of birth to the
inevitability of death.
An efficient parent can teach
these important lessons in about
three hours.
Don't underestimate the fun and
excitement your family
can derive from The Amazing
Live Sea Monkeys™—just add
water and see them come to life!
Remind your children that pet
ownership is a privilege
they earn through good behavior.
If they do not live up
to this responsibility, take
the pet away by sacrificing
it in an elaborate ceremony
involving candles, knives,
readings from the Book Of Numbers,
and the ritual
consumption of the pet's roasted
corpse.
Remember, pets need regular food,
exercise, love, and
attention. You probably should
not be allowed to own one.
\\\//
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Subj: Hamsters
Named Bert And Ernie (S231b, S496)
From: coreymac on 6/26/2001
and
From: jokes on 7/26/2006
If you have raised kids (or been
one), and gone through the
pet syndrome including toilet-flush
burial's for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you
laughing out LOUD!!!
Overview: I had to take my son's
hamster to the vet. Here's
what happened
Just after dinner one night,
my son came up to tell me there
was "something wrong" with one
of the two hamsters he holds
prisoner in his room. "He's
just lying there looking sick,"
he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer
statement on my face and followed
him into his bedroom.
One of the little rodents was indeed
lying on his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what
to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed
after a minute. "She's
having babies!"
"What?" my son demanded. "But
their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey,
how can that be? I thought we
said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to
do, post a sign in their cage,?"
she inquired. (I actually think
she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to
get two boys!" I reminded her,
(in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my
teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard
to tell on some guys, ya
know," she informed me. (Again
with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now, the rest of the family
had gathered to see what was
going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it. "Kids, this is
going to be a wondrous experience,"
I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle
of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!;
what are we going to do with
a litter of tiny little hamster
babies?" my wife wanted to
know. (I really do think she
was being snotty here, too.
Don't you?)
We peered at the patient.
After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear
briefly, vanishing a scant
second later. "We don't appear
to be making much progress,"
I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I
reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving
it a gingerly tug. It
disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same
results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest
daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through
the trauma." (You see a
pattern here with the females
in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet,"
I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding
the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze,"
his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their
own young. I mean what she
does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for
God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the
examining room and peered at
the little animal through a
magnifying glass. "What do you
think, Doc, a c-section?"
I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron,
may I speak to you privately
for a moment?" I gulped,
nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured
us. "This hamster is not in
labor. In fact, that isn't
EVER going to happen... Ernie
is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they
come into maturity, like most
male species, they um.... er..
masturbate just the way he did,
lying on his back." He
blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...
Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved
that we understood.
More silence. Then my
viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh
loudly.
What's so funny?" I demanded,
knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would
commit the upcoming affront
to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her
face. "It's just...that...
I'm picturing you pulling on
its...its...teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow
in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian
and hurriedly bundled the hamsters
and our son back into
the car. He was glad everything
was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful
for what you've done, Dad,"
he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife
agreed, collapsing into
laughter.
\\\//
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Subj: Best
Friends (S194, S375)
From: JOELFALLON on 10/19/2000
and
From: hellgunner50 on 4/2/2004
A man was riding his horse down
a road while his dog padded
alongside. Suddenly the
man remembered that he was dead,
and that his horse and dog had
been dead for years. He
wondered where the road was
leading them.
After a while, the travelers
came to a high marble wall along
one side of the road.
At the top of a long hill, the wall was
broken by an arch that glowed
in the sunlight. When they
reached the arch, the man saw
a magnificent gate of mother-of-
pearl. The path that led
to the gate was pure gold. He nudged
his horse toward the gate, and
as he got closer, he saw a man
at a desk.
"Excuse me," he called out. "Can you tell me where we are?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man at the desk answered.
"Heaven.* Would you happen to have some water, then?"
"Of course, sir. Come right in." The gate began to open.
"Can my friends come in, too?"
the traveler asked, gesturing
toward his horse and dog.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept animals here."
The man thought for a moment,
then turned his horse back toward
the road and continued on his
way. After another long walk,
and at the top of another long
hill, he came to a dirt road
that led through a farm gate
that stood open. As he approached
the gate, he saw a man inside,
leaning against a tree and reading
a book.
"Excuse me!" he called. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure. There's a pump you can use. Come on in."
"How about my friends here?" the traveler asked.
"There should be a bowl and a bucket by the pump."
They went through the gate, and
sure enough, there was an
old-fashioned hand pump with
a bowl and a bucket beside it. The
traveler filled the bowl and
took a long drink, then gave some
to the dog while he filled the
bucket for his horse. When they
had all satisfied their thirst,
he led his horse back toward the
man who was standing by the
tree, with the dog following faith-
fully behind.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the
traveler replied. "The man down
the road said that was heaven,
too."
"Oh, you mean the place with
the gold street and pearly gates?
Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad that they use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might
think so, but we're just grateful
that they screen out the folks
who would leave their best friends
behind.
-- Author Unknown
\\\//
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Subj: Professional
Competency Test (S157, S380)
From: dhatch on 02/01/2000
and
From: Imogenelumen on 5/9/2004
Also called 'simple quiz for professionals or pre schoolers'
How about competent, do you feel
competent in today's high
pressure world.
The following quiz consists of
four questions that tell you
whether or not you are qualified
to be a professional. Scroll
down for the answers.
The questions are not that difficult.
You just need to think
like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
*
*
*
*
*
The correct answer is: Open the
refrigerator, put in the
giraffe and close the door.
This question tested whether
or not you are doing simple
things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
*
*
*
*
*
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator,
put in the
elephant and shut the refrigerator.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator,
take out of the
giraffe, put in the elephant
and close the door.
This question tested your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an
animal conference. All the
animals attend except one.
Which animal does not attend?
*
*
*
*
*
Correct answer: The elephant.
The elephant is in the
refrigerator!
This tested if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.
OK, if you did not answer the
last three questions correctly,
this one may be your last chance
to test your qualifications
to be a professional.
4. There is a river filled with
crocodiles. How do you cross
it?
*
*
*
*
*
Correct Answer: Simply swim through
it. All the crocodiles
are attending the animal meeting!
According to Anderson Consulting
Worldwide, around 90% of
the professionals they tested
got all questions wrong, but
many preschoolers got several
correct answers. Anderson
Consulting says this conclusively
disproves the theory that
most professionals have the
brains of a four-year-old.
\\\//
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| Subj:
Deers In A Fire (S405)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/21/2004 |
 |
You can view this spectacular,
large, JPG picture on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Taking
A Load Of Penguins To The Zoo (S153, S488)
From: OKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 01/04/2000
and
From: darrell94590 on 5/30/2006
(Also see 'Police
Stop Man w/Penguin' in POLICE2)
Kimo is a bus driver for the
Honolulu Transit Company. One
day Kimo is headed to work on
his bus route, when he runs
across a delivery van stranded
at the side of the road. The
van driver works for the Honolulu
Zoo. He pleads with Kimo
to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to Kimo
to help him deliver a truckload
of penguins to the zoo, because
they needed to be there within
the hour. Agreeing, Kimo
proceeds to load two dozen penguins
onto his bus. Then, off
they drive towards the zoo.
An hour later, the delivery driver
gets his van fixed and heads
off to the zoo to catch up with
his delivery. As he's driving
down the road, he see's Kimo
and the busload of penguins heading
in the opposite direction.
He turns his van around and chases
in pursuit. He finally
catches up to the bus and pulls over
Kimo on the side of the road.
In an irate voice he asks, "Hey,
Kimo. I thought I gave
you a $100 dollars to go and take the
penguins to the zoo for me?"
"Calm down," Kimo says.
"I took the penguins to the zoo. We
had change left over, so now
I'm taking them to the movies!"
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Buys Toothless Hampster (S152)
From: RFSlick on 12/29/1999
Larry walks into a pet store
and says, "My dog ran away, so
I need another one."
The store owner says, "You don't
want a dog, too much hassle.
I've got the perfect thing for
you...a toothless hamster."
Larry says, "Why would I want
a a toothless hamster?"
The owner says, "Take out your
prick and I'll show you."
Larry takes out his cock, the
owner puts the hamster down by
his crotch, the hamster lunges
out, locks on, and gives Larry
the best blow job he's ever
had. Needless to say, he buys it.
He goes home, walks in the door,
and sets the hamster down on
the kitchen floor.
His wife jumps up on a chair
and screams, "Yikes! What the hell
is that?"
Larry says, "Never mind what
it is. Teach it to cook and then
get the fuck out."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Animal Game (S85)
From: auntieg on 98-09-16
The following is a table of eight
different set of animals.
In each box, a scoring point
is attached to the respective
animal. Choose one animal
that you like most in each row,
and add up your total score
as you go thru the list.
Refer to the score sheet for your result. Be honest and good luck!
________________________________________________________________
Koala Bear -- 2 Polar Bear -- 3 Panda -- 1
________________________________________________________________
Eagle -- 3 Seagull -- 2 Pigeon--1
________________________________________________________________
Cat --3 Dog -- 2 Bird --1
________________________________________________________________
Hamster --2 Rabbit --1 Squirrel--3
________________________________________________________________
Sheep --1 Deer -- 2 Goat--3
________________________________________________________________
Dolphin -- 1 Shark -- 3 Whale --2
________________________________________________________________
Elephant -- 2 Lion -- 1 Tiger --3
________________________________________________________________
Swan -- 1 Goose -- 3 Hen --2
________________________________________________________________
SCORE SHEET
Between 8-11 points
You are passive, sentimental,
emotional, lack self-confidence,
but are creative and rational.
Between 12-15 points
You belong to the fun-seekers,
adventurous, risk-takers,
spontaneous types, but are not
very rational.
Between 16-19 points
You are active, a challenger,
optimistic, hardworking, always
working towards a set goal.
Between 20-24 points
You have a strong character,
aggressive, ambitious, go-getter.
You were born to lead.
________________________________________________________________
I don't know, what do you think?
It seems to me there are
some very Western, ethno-centric
values being assigned to
the different animals.
Does this mean I didn't like
my score? I'm curious to hear
your thoughts.
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Dam Building (DU)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 6/28/98 |
To read these two letters between
the Enviromental Quality
Department and a land owned,
click 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: A Lion
In The London Zoo (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #235 on 98-03-09 (S58)
A lion in the London zoo was
lying in the sun licking its
arse when a visitor turned to
the keeper and said, "that's
a docile old thing, isn't it?"
"No way," said the keeper, "its
the most ferocious beast
in the zoo. Why just an
hour ago it dragged an Australian
tourist into the cage and completely
devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible." said
the astonished visitor, "Why
is it lying there licking its
arse?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Goat And The Railroad Tie (S348)
From: DR SWITZER on 98-03-05
Two hunters come upon a sink
hole in the middle of the woods.
They drop a rock into the hole
and cannot hear it hit the
bottom of the hole. They
find a boulder, roll it over and
into the hole. They still
cannot hear it hit bottom. They
find a railroad tie and drag
it by one end, to the hole and
then drop it in and they get
down to listen. They hear
nothing from the hole but, they
hear a loud noise behind them
and see a goat speeding towards
them with it's head down and
traveling at a high rate of
speed. They roll out of the goats
way and the animal dives into
the hole.
The befuddled hunters decide
it is time to leave. As they're
leaving the woods when they
come upon a farmer. The farmer
asks the men if they had seen
his goat. "We did see a goat,"
said one of the hunters, "It
was going ninety miles an hour
and went head first into a hole!"
The farmer said, "Well boys,
I don't think that was my goat.
You see, my goat was really
old and crippled up with arthritis.
There is no way he could have
been moving that fast. Besides,
I had him tied to this big,
old railroad tie."
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Goats Eat Film (S03)
Two goats were snooping around
the back lot of a Hollywood
movie studio when they came
upon a can of film. One goat
devoured the can and film.
His companion watched him and,
when he had finished, asked,
"How was it?"
The first goat replied, "Frankly, the book was better!"
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Whales And A Fishing Boat (S222)
From: scott_pryor on 4/29/2001
These two whales, we'll call
them Mamma and son, were swimming
in the wild blue yonda when
Mamma saw a boat, she said to son
"Son you keep your distance
from them boats." For it was a
harpoon boat, but just as they
were turning around, BANG! THUD,
the harpoo went right into the
side of Mamma. Down she went
screaming out swim son save
yourselffffffffff......
Several months later son and
his girlfriend were fornicating
around, when off in the distance
they spotted the very same
harpoon boat. Thinking
of his mother, son thought frantically
for a plan to get his revenge.
Son said to his girlfriend.
"If we swim up behind them we
can blow water up on to the boat
and sink it." She agreed and
off they went, BLOW SPURT BLOW
SPURT. Down went the boat went,
but several whalers escaped
on a life boat.
The son screamed, "Oh no! those
are the guys that killed my
Mamma and the're getting away!
Quick I'll tip the boat over
and you eat them!! His
girlfriend frusteratedly replied,
"Hold on a minute here, I agereed
to the blow job but I never
said I would swallow sea men.!!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Animal Jokes
| Subj:
3 Confused Squirrels (S474)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/7/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Just Checking In (S473c)
From: darrell94590 on 2/6/2006 |
| Subj:
Talking Deer Movie (S473b in Hunting)
From: auntiegah on 2/4/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Friday vs Monday (S459 - in Job-Stuff)
From: chrisdaddyg on 11/4/2005 |
| Subj:
Amazing Snake Photo (S457b)
From: darrell94590 on 10/27/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Inconspicuous (S451)
From: RFSlick on 9/9/2005 |
| Subj:
Hippo's New Mom (S443)
From: RFSlick on 7/18/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
A Great White (S439)
From: darrell94590 on 6/23/2005 |
| Subj:
The Good Morning Squirrel (S410b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/01/2004 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Two Penguins - Animated GIF (S392b)
From: jbcary1 on 8/4/2004 |
Admit it...
Each one of us feels like doing
this
to at least one person a day.
Top
Subj: Squirrel
Fishing (S363b)
From: igiggle on 1/2/2004
I don't know how Becky comes
up with so many sites for
good, clean fun. Go to
the site below to view the sport
http://www.eecs.harvard.edu/~yaz/en/squirrel_fishing.html
Top
Subj: The
Cost Of Having A Pet Turtle (S296b)
From: jerry on 10/3/2002
A Helsingborg, Sweden, apartment
tenant provided his pet
turtle with a steady stream
of tap water at a steady
temperature of 97F (36C) for
18 straight months. The
cost of the 5,000 cubic meters
of water used for the
turtle and the 160,000 KWh of
heating, along with costs
incurred by the landlord to
try to find out why his water
and heating bills were skyrocketing,
came to $15,100.
Turtle man has agreed to pay
these costs and has stopped
running the water.
Reuters via Yahoo News 2-Oct-02
Top
Subj: Whale
Watching In Australia (S289)
From: jerry on 8/12/2002
"Australia has become a Mecca
for whale watchers and
scientists. Up to 100
a day can be seen at Cape Byron,
Australia's most easterly mainland
point. 'Every year
they come up, mate and give
birth and you see a lot of
activity,' said the Southern
Cross Center for Whale
Research director David Paton."
Top
Subj: Cobra
Bites Man And Cobra Dies (S285b)
From: jerry on 7/17/2002
Cobra bites man. Man bites
cobra. Man wins.
A black cobra bit an Indian farm
laborer, working in a
paddy field. In retaliation
the man chased the cobra
through the field, grabbed it,
and bit a piece of its
spine and windpipe off, killing
the snake. He survived
after taking the snake to the
hospital where they were
able to match the snake species
with the appropriate
anti-venom.
"Hansda's mental strength to
chase, catch and bite the
fleeing cobra for a tooth-for-tooth
retaliation is really
rare," said the doctor.
Ananova 15-Jul-02
Top
Subj: Activists
Against Vegetarianism (S275c)
From: jerry on 5/7/2002
News Item: An Oregon State University
animal rights
activist denounces vegetarianism
because mice, moles
and rabbits are often killed
in the preparation of
farmland to grow vegetables.
You might want to stop eating until we sort this out.
Taken verbatim from the QT column
in the Chicago Sun-Times
Top
Subj: Three
Moles Smell The Air (S178, S553b)
From: collins2 on 6/27/00
and
From: darrellvip on 8/23/2007
There were three moles burrowing
underneath the interstate
when they decided to go up for
a breath of fresh air. They
popped up beside a busy intersection
where pappa mole said,
"Hey, I think we're near a Waffle
House... I can smell waffles
and syrup."
Mamma Mole said, "I think you're
right dear... I can smell
bacon frying." She asked
the baby mole, "What do you think
dear?"
Baby Mole said, "I don't know
mamma, from down here all I
can smell is molasses."
Top
Subj: Lions
And Gazelle's (S170)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 5/7/00
"Every morning in Africa, a
gazelle wakes up. It knows it
must outrun the fastest lion
or it will be killed. Every
morning in Africa, a lion wakes
up. It knows it must outrun
the slowest gazelle or it will
starve. It doesn't matter
whether you're a lion or a gazelle--when
the sun comes up,
you'd better be running."
The average cost of rehabilitating
a seal after the
Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska
was $80,000. At a special
ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were
released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from
onlookers. A minute later
they were both eaten by a killer
whale.
Two animal rights protesters
were protesting at the
cruelty of sending pigs to a
slaughterhouse in Bonn.
Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand
of them, escaped
through a broken fence and stampeded,
trampling the
two hapless protesters to death.
Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
In the last 4000 years, no new
animals have been
domesticated.
Carnivorous animals will not
eat another animal that
has been hit by a lightning
strike.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
All porcupines float in water.
When opossums are playing 'possum,
they are not "playing."
They actually pass out from
sheer terror.
Armadillos have four babies at
a time and they are always
all the same sex.
Armadillos are the only animal
besides humans that can
get leprosy.
If you bring a raccoon's head
to the Henniker, New
Hampshire town hall, you are
entitled to receive
$.10 from the town.
From LAWS file.
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed
to have sex with
animals, but the animals must
be female. Having sexual
relations with a male animal
is punishable by death.
(OK, like THAT makes sense)
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does
not allow moose to have
sex on city streets.
In Oklahoma whale hunting is
strictly forbidden throughout
the entire state...
From: humorlist-digest V2 #1 on 98-01-01
If a turtle doesn't have a shell,
is he homeless or naked?
From: Return To Mars by Ben Bova (S136)
Behold the lowly turtle, he
only makes
progress when he sticks his
neck out.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
When the chips are down, the
buffalo is empty.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #92 on 98-04-14
Eagles may soar, but weasels
don't get sucked into
jet engines.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
"I think animal testing is a
terrible idea; they get all
nervous and give the wrong
answers." -- Unknown
"No animal should ever jump up
on the dining-room furniture
unless absolutely certain that
he can hold his own in the
conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz
From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
I love defenceless animals,
especially in a good gravy
From: humorlist-digest V2 #118 on 98-05-13
(S68)
My brother-in-law is in danger
of losing his license to
practice medicine.
He was caught having sex with
some of his patients.
It's such a shame.
He was the best veterinarian
in town.
From: ossama on 98-06-01
Early bird gets the worm, but
the second mouse gets
the cheese.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
Save the whales. Collect the
whole set.
Save the whales. Harpoon a fat chick.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #309 on 6/24/99
So a baby seal walks into a
club...
From: mombear1 on 8/21/2001 (S238)
A female ferret will die if
it goes into
heat and cannot find a mate.
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
From: Mark Taylor on 7/5/99
Never invest in anything that
you have to paint or feed.
-- J. Paul Getty
From: KMACINTY on 11/5/2002 (S301b)
The average blue whale produces
over 400 gallons of sperm
when it ejaculates, but only
10% of that actually makes it
into his mate. So 360
gallons are spilled into the ocean
every time one unloads.
And you wonder why the ocean is
so salty?
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/20/2006 (S470b)
"Even a blind squirrel finds
a nut every once in a while."
-- Ansel Adams
Bawdy.Net Collage #247 on 98-05-16
(S68)
Q: Why do mice have such tiny
balls?
A: Because so very few of them
can dance.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #253 on 98-06-11
Q: What is it that a Goose can
do, a duck can't do,
and a lawyer won't
do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
From: JBCARY1 on 7/16/2002 (S285b)
Q: What's the difference between
Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer
Nuts are always under a buck.
From: igiggle on 1/28/2006 (S472b)
Q: Why did the goldfish age?
A: It lost the g.
\\\//
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 |
Skunk from
Smiley_Central |