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Subject: The Sunday Morning Laughs #629
         Date: 2/22/2009
 

 "They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us,
 but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes
 in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with
 a higher grade of manure. "  -- Ernest Hemingway
 

Thanks for the great jokes you guys keep sending.  If
I haven’t sent out a certain joke for four years, I am
now sending the best ones out a second time.
 

Go to http://jokelibrary.net/a_joke_library.html
to read the great jokes you have sent me through the years.
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Subj:     George Gobel On The Johnny Carson Show
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 1/12/2009 
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99z4CVkowJc

 Bob Hope, Dean Martin, and George Gobel on the Johnny 
 Carson Show in 1969.  Click on the above source, or 
 below for my file version of this very funny video.

 http://jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/g_to_m/movies_etc-supp2-gobel.html

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Subj:     Waiting For You...
          From: darrell94590 on 8/5/2005

 I lie awake waiting for you.  As I lie on my bed, thinking
 about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze
 you, because I can't forget last night.  You came to me
 unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what
 happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

 You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
 reservations, you lay on my naked body.  You sensed my
 indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me with-
 out any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me
 crazy while you drained me.

 Finally I went to sleep.  Today when I woke up, you were
 gone.  I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets
 bore witness to last night's events.  My body still bears
 faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it
 harder to forget you.

 Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...  “You
 fucking mosquito!”

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Subj:     Pilot's Eye View Of Carrier Landing!
          From: darrellvip on 1/27/2009

 This home video will make your heart start racing. 
 It is very cool.  Click below to see it.

 http://jokelibrary.net/occupations/p_files/pilot-supp-carrierlanding.html

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Subj:     Older Couple Get Romantic
          From: DoctorDebt on 3/4/2004 

 An older couple were lying in bed one night.  The husband 
 was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and 
 wanted to talk.  She said: "You used to hold my hand when 
 we were courting."  Wearily he reached across, held her 
 hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.  A few 
 moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly 
 irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek 
 and settled down to sleep.  Thirty seconds later she said: 
 "Then you used to bite my neck."  Angrily, he threw back 
 the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" 
 she asked. "To get my teeth!" he replied. 

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Subj:     Barclaycard Waterslide
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 1/12/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgoZb8rQmfE

 This Barclaycard commercial is very entertaining. 
 More companies should make ads you enjoy seeing. 
 Click on the above source, or below for my copy, 
 to view it.

 http://jokelibrary.net/yNonJokes/b_to_t/head-waterslide.html

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Subj:     Cop Stops Lawyer With Fish
          From: KMacinty on 09/13/1999 
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/23/2009

 Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge 
 after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing.  His 
 catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on 
 the passenger side floor. 

 He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you 
 know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to 
 the side of the bridge.  Bob pulled over like a good citizen. 
 The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast 
 you were going, BOY?" 

 Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?" 

 "67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop. 

 "But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did 
 you ask me?" 

 Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal 
 sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a 
 ticket and a fine!"  The cop took a good close look at Bob, 
 in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look 
 like you have a job!  Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy 
 in my entire life!" 

 Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying 
 job!" 

 The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, 
 said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?" 

 "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob. 

 "What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman. And Bob repeated, 
 "I'm a rectum stretcher!" 

 The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum 
 stretcher do?" 

 Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be 
 stretched, so I go over to their house.  I start with a 
 couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole 
 hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther 
 apart until it's a full six feet across." 

 The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, 
 asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?" 

 Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and 
 stick it at the end of a bridge."

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Subj:     FoxTrot Comic Strip
          By Bill Amend
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/25/2009
 Source: http://wpcomics.washingtonpost.com/client/wpc/ft/

 This Sunday comic strip shows how to solve 
 algebra problems.  Click below to view it.

 http://jokelibrary.net/education/m_files/m3S-foxtrot.html

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Subj:     Kid Visits The Elderly
          From: gheckman on 12/9/2002

 While working for an organization that delivers lunches
 to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old
 daughter on my afternoon rounds.

 She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances
 of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheel-
 chairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false
 teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the
 inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
 whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

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Subj:     Math Prob. - Ali Baba And The Thieves
          From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 1/26/2009
Drawing from FotoSearch.com
 Source: http://www.afunzone.com/adailypuzzle/01-26-09.html

 Take the number of states before Alaska and Hawaii were added. 
 Double that and add the number of "winds."  Then subtract the 
 number of Ali Baba's thieves, not counting Ali Baba.  Divide 
 by the number of days in May minus 1.  Cube the result.  What 
 do you get?  Click below for the answer.

 http://jokelibrary.net/education/m2/m4cS2-ali_baba.html

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Subj:     Puzzle - The Merchant Of Bagdad
          From the book
            "Mathematical Puzzles of Sam Loyd"
          Edited by Martin Gardner
          From: Dover Publications in 1959

 Show how the merchant measured the wine and water. 
 You can see this problem's description, drawing, 
 and solution on my web site by clicking below.

 http://jokelibrary.net/education/m2/m4cS2-merchant.html

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Calvin in School from
Animated GIF Finder

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