Subject: The
Sunday Morning Laughs #760
Date: 8/28/2011
"They
say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us,
but
it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes
in
life the seeds are covered with better soil and with
a higher
grade of manure. " -- Ernest Hemingway
Thanks for
the great jokes you guys keep sending. If
I haven't
sent out a certain joke for two years, I am
now sending
the best ones out a second time.
Go to http://jokelibrary.net/a_joke_library.html
to read the great jokes you have
sent me through the years.
You can also view old "Sunday Morning
Laughs" at
http://jokelibrary.net/archive/index.html
.
 |
Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009 |
.
The volume of new material
I see in emails and on the web is
decrease. The Sunday
Morning Laughs will be getting shorter.
Help keep the Sunday Laughs
going by sending me new stuff.
.
.
Subj:
The Frantics - Her First Period
From: kgilmour2000
on 8/9/2011 |
 |
Source1: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed64755ab1/her-first-period
Source2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2-nBQMWimc
This video is a hilarious
skit by Canadian comedy troupe
The
Frantics. It was featured in 30th anniversary show
at
the Royal in Toronto, November 2009. Her First Period
is
one of the most memorable shows in the troupe's history.
Click
on either source, or below for my copy, to see this
very
funny skit.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/n_to_v/train-supp/period.html
or at
http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/n_to_v/train-supp/period.mp4
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Subj:
Lincoln Assassination Eyewitness
From: Wimp.com
on 7/10/2011 |
Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_iq5yzJ-Dk
Source2: http://www.wimp.com/livingeyewitness/
Text from HyperVocal
Every
once in a while you come across something on the Internets
that's
so good you just have to share it, no matter how old it
is.
This clip of a game show from 1956 hit YouTube in 2009, but
chances
are you haven't seen it. If that's true, stop what you
are
doing and appreciate a piece of living history right now.
CBS'
I've Got a Secret featured a panel of four celebrities
playing
a modified game of 20 Questions, with each star trying
to
figure out the contestant's amusing, embarrassing or amazing
secret.
This
particular episode, airing some time in February 9, 1956,
featured
a man named Samuel J. Seymour, who at the time was the
last
living eyewitness to President Abraham Lincoln's assassin-
ation.
Click on either source, or below for my copy to watch
this
historic video.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/nat/nat-supp-eyewitness.html
or at
http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/nat/nat-supp-eyewitness.flv
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Subj:
Secrets Of Women's Language
From: tom on 8/16/2008
and From: kgilmour2000 on 8/4/2011
Keywords
and their meanings.
1. FINE
This
is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument
that
she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up.
NEVER
use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will
cause
you to have one of those arguments.
2. FIVE
MINUTES
This
is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes
that
your football/hockey or whatever game is going to last
before
you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an
even
trade.
3. NOTHING
This
means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman
has
of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and
backwards.
"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will
last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
4. GO
AHEAD (c/w Raised Eyebrows)
This
is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting
upset
over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that
will
last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
5. GO
AHEAD (w/out raised eyebrows)
This
means "I give up. Do what you want because I don't
care."
You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead"
in
just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five
Minute"
argument ending with "Fine".
6. LOUD
SIGH
Not
actually a word of course but often a verbal cue
misunderstood
by men. The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks
you're
an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing
there having a "Five Minute" argument with you
over
"Nothing".
7. SOFT
SIGH
One
of the few sounds that some men actually understand.
She
is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe.
Just
stay clear.
8. OH
This
word followed by any statement is trouble. E.G. -
"Oh,
let me get that",which actually means you are
obviously
incapable and incompetent and cannot possibly
complete
the task to her particular standard. Or "Oh,
I already
talked to the cable guy", which means she
has
inadvertently blown the cover on your secret extra
outlets
and black box. Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to
him
about what you did last night.
From: Imogenelumen
on 8/6/2003
9. THAT'S
OKAY
This
is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can
make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to
think
long and hard before paying you back for what ever
it
is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used
with
the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised
Eyebrow."
10.
GO AHEAD!
At some
point in the near future, you are going to be in
some
mighty big trouble.
11.
PLEASE DO
This
is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving
you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason
you
have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You
have
a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you
shouldn't
get a "That's Okay"
12.
THANKS
A woman
is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
13.
THANKS A LOT
This
is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks
A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It
signifies
that you have offended her in some callous way,
and
will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to
ask
what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only
tell
you "Nothing."
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Subj:
Andy Serkis: The Famous, Unknown Actor
From: RDobry
on 8/6/2011 |
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Source: http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/andy-
.........serkis-biggest-movie-star-haven-t-seen-213836042.html
Andy
Serkis has had leading roles in mega-blockbusters that
have
earned over $2.5 billion worldwide. He's the main
character
in a major movie opening this month, and this
winter
he'll appear in a new 3D adventure film directed
by
Steven Spielberg. And yet, odds are good that if you
bumped
into him on the street you'd have no idea he was a
movie
star. Because usually you never see his face. Click
on
the above source, or below for my copy, to read this
fascinating
article, and see three trailers of his movies.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/g_to_m/mov2-Serkis.html
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Subj:
A Mariachi Band Serenading A Beluga Whale
From: Wimp.com
on 7/10/2011 |
Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS_6-IwMPjM
Source2: http://www.wimp.com/belugawhale/
The
Mariachi Connecticut performs for a beluga whale at
Mystic
Aquarium, where they were performing during a
wedding.
Based in Hartford, Mariachi Connecticut has been
together
eight years. Click on either source, or below
for
my copy to view the obvious intelligence of this whale.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/animals/d_to_z/z-oth-s/beluga.html
or at
http://www.jokelibrary.net/animals/d_to_z/z-oth-s/beluga.flv
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Subj:
Storing Cannon Balls
From: RFSlick on 1/23/2002
and From: tom on 8/8/2011
In the
heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many
freighters
carried iron cannons. Those cannon fired
round
iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good
supply
near the cannon, but prevent them from rolling
about
the deck. The best storage method devised was a
square
based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on
four
resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus,
a supply of thirty cannon balls could be stacked
in
a small area right next to the cannon. There was
only
one problem - how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding/rolling
from under the others? The solution
was
a metal plate called a, "Monkey," with sixteen
round
indentations. If this plate was made of iron,
the
iron balls would quickly rust to it.
The
solution to the rusting problem was to make, "Brass
Monkeys."
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts
much
more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently,
when the temperature dropped too far, the
brass
indentations would shrink so much that the cannon
balls
would roll right off the monkey.
Thus,
it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the
balls
off a brass monkey!" (And all this time, you have
had
dirty thoughts, haven't you?) - - -
This
is a good story, but it is an urban legend as verified
at
http://www.snopes.com/language/stories/brass.asp
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Subj:
Touch The Mouse Pointer To His Nose
Made by SelfControlFreak
From: kgilmour2000 on 8/8/2011 |
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Source: http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html
With
practice, three times I was able to rest the mouse
on
the man's nose. Click on the above source, or below
for
my copy, to play this fun interactive video.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/b_to_e/eyes-nose.html
Go to
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com
to see all twenty-
two
interactive videos.
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Subj:
College Football Coach Quotes
From: tom on 8/6/2011
Drawing from Flickr.com |
Source: http://www.davidstuff.com/humor/coachquotes.htm
Click
on the above source, or below for my copy,
to
read some wonderful college football quotes.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/sports/a_to_z/foot-supp-coaches.html
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Subj:
Two Southern Ladies Talk
From: thebartend on 8/16/2001
and From: sam.hutkins on 8/5/2011
Two
delicate flowers of Southern womanhood, one from Georgia,
the
other from Alabama, were conversing on the porch swing
of
a large white pillared mansion.
The
Georgia peach said, "When my first child was born, my
husband
built this beautiful mansion for me."
The
lady from Alabama commented. "Well, bless your heart."
The
first woman continued, "When my second child was born,
my
husband bought me that fine Cadillac you see parked in
the
drive. "Again, the belle from Alabama commented, Well,
bless
your heart."
The
first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was
born,
my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet
again, the second of the ladies commented, "Well, bless
your
heart."
The
first woman then asked her companion, "What did your
husband
buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My
husband sent me to charm school," declared the Alabama
belle.
"Charm
school, the first woman cried, "Land sakes," child,
what
on Earth for?""
The
Alabamian responded, "So that instead of saying "Who
gives
a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart."
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Subj:
Hagar Sunday Comic Strip
by Dik Browne
From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/31/2011 |
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Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving/
.........comics/king_hagar_horrible.html?name=Hagar_The_Horrible
Click
below to read this cute, Hagar the Horrible,
Sunday
comic strip about how to get a girlfriend.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/people/d_files/dat2-Hagar.html
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Subj:
Snoopy And Bridge II
By Charles M. Schulz
From: News.Yahoo.com on 8/7/2011 |
Source: http://news.yahoo.com/comics/peanuts
Click
below to see this Sunday Classic Peanuts
comic
strip about Snoopy and playing bridge.
http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/g2s2/snoopy2.html
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Subj:
Short Jokes That Made Me Laugh Or Smile
Subj:
Hurricane Irene Warning
From" Ruby Lou on Facebook on 8/27/2011
** THIS
JUST IN ** As Hurricane Irene prepares to batter the
East
Coast, federal disaster officials have warned that
Internet
outages could force people to interact with other
people
for the first time in years. Residents are bracing
themselves
for the horror of awkward silences and unwanted
eye
contact. FEMA has advised: "Be prepared. Write down
possible
topics to talk about in advance. Sports...the
weather.
Remember, a conversation is basically a series
of
Facebook updates strung together.":
Subj:
Franklin On Wine, Beer, And Water
From: hilary.miller05 on 8/9/2011
Source:
http://wineintro.com/quotes/benfranklin.html
Note that
there is one quote that was NOT said by Ben Franklin!!
Bacteria
were not CALLED Bacteria back in the 1700s.
"In wine there
is wisdom, in beer there is strength,
in
water there is bacteria." -- David Auerbach
. .
.
At Steve Gibbs suggestion I have
placed this donate button at
a few key locations on my web site.
If you are sending me
jokes each week, or find my errors,
you have already donated.
Hey, if you sent
a quarter each week, I might have some cents.
.
. .
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