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Subject: The Sunday Morning Laughs #760
         Date: 8/28/2011
 

 "They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us,
 but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes
 in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with
 a higher grade of manure. "  -- Ernest Hemingway
 

Thanks for the great jokes you guys keep sending.  If
I haven't sent out a certain joke for two years, I am
now sending the best ones out a second time.
 

Go to http://jokelibrary.net/a_joke_library.html
to read the great jokes you have sent me through the years.

You can also view old "Sunday Morning Laughs" at 
http://jokelibrary.net/archive/index.html
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Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009
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 The volume of new material I see in emails and on the web is
 decrease.  The Sunday Morning Laughs will be getting shorter.
 Help keep the Sunday Laughs going by sending me new stuff.
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Subj:     The Frantics - Her First Period
          From: kgilmour2000
          on 8/9/2011
 Source1: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed64755ab1/her-first-period
 Source2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2-nBQMWimc

 This video is a hilarious skit by Canadian comedy troupe
 The Frantics.  It was featured in 30th anniversary show
 at the Royal in Toronto, November 2009.  Her First Period 
 is one of the most memorable shows in the troupe's history. 
 Click on either source, or below for my copy, to see this 
 very funny skit.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/n_to_v/train-supp/period.html

 or at

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/n_to_v/train-supp/period.mp4

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Subj:     Lincoln Assassination Eyewitness
          From: Wimp.com
          on 7/10/2011
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_iq5yzJ-Dk
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/livingeyewitness/
 Text from HyperVocal

 Every once in a while you come across something on the Internets 
 that's so good you just have to share it, no matter how old it 
 is.  This clip of a game show from 1956 hit YouTube in 2009, but 
 chances are you haven't seen it.  If that's true, stop what you 
 are doing and appreciate a piece of living history right now. 

 CBS' I've Got a Secret featured a panel of four celebrities 
 playing a modified game of 20 Questions, with each star trying 
 to figure out the contestant's amusing, embarrassing or amazing 
 secret. 

 This particular episode, airing some time in February 9, 1956, 
 featured a man named Samuel J. Seymour, who at the time was the 
 last living eyewitness to President Abraham Lincoln's assassin- 
 ation.  Click on either source, or below for my copy to watch 
 this historic video.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/nat/nat-supp-eyewitness.html

 or at

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherNtoZ/nat/nat-supp-eyewitness.flv

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Subj:     Secrets Of Women's Language
          From: tom on 8/16/2008
      and From: kgilmour2000 on 8/4/2011

 Keywords and their meanings.

 1. FINE

 This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument
 that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up.
 NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.  This will
 cause you to have one of those arguments.

 2. FIVE MINUTES

 This is half an hour.  It is equivalent to the five minutes
 that your football/hockey or whatever game is going to last
 before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an
 even trade.

 3. NOTHING

 This means something and you should be on your toes.
 "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman
 has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and
 backwards.  "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
 will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

 4. GO AHEAD (c/w Raised Eyebrows)

 This is a dare.  One that will result in a woman getting
 upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that
 will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

 5. GO AHEAD (w/out raised eyebrows)

 This means "I give up.  Do what you want because I don't
 care."  You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead"
 in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five
 Minute" argument ending with "Fine".

 6. LOUD SIGH

 Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue
 misunderstood by men.  The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks
 you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time
 standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you
 over "Nothing".

 7. SOFT SIGH

 One of the few sounds that some men actually understand.
 She is content.  Your best bet is not to move or breathe.
 Just stay clear.

 8. OH

 This word followed by any statement is trouble.  E.G. -
 "Oh, let me get that",which actually means you are
 obviously incapable and incompetent and cannot possibly
 complete the task to her particular standard.  Or "Oh,
 I already talked to the cable guy", which means she
 has inadvertently blown the cover on your secret extra
 outlets and black box.  Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to
 him about what you did last night.

From: Imogenelumen on 8/6/2003

 9. THAT'S OKAY

 This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
 can make to a man.  "That's Okay" means that she wants to
 think long and hard before paying you back for what ever
 it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used
 with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised
 Eyebrow."
 

 10. GO AHEAD!

 At some point in the near future, you are going to be in
 some mighty big trouble.
 

 11. PLEASE DO

 This is not a statement, it is an offer.  A woman is giving
 you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason
 you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You
 have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you
 shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
 

 12. THANKS

 A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
 

 13. THANKS A LOT

 This is much different from "Thanks."  A woman will say,
 "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It
 signifies that you have offended her in some callous way,
 and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to
 ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only
 tell you "Nothing."

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Subj:     Andy Serkis: The Famous, Unknown Actor
          From: RDobry
          on 8/6/2011
 Source: http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/andy-
.........serkis-biggest-movie-star-haven-t-seen-213836042.html

 Andy Serkis has had leading roles in mega-blockbusters that 
 have earned over $2.5 billion worldwide.  He's the main 
 character in a major movie opening this month, and this 
 winter he'll appear in a new 3D adventure film directed 
 by Steven Spielberg.  And yet, odds are good that if you 
 bumped into him on the street you'd have no idea he was a 
 movie star.  Because usually you never see his face.  Click 
 on the above source, or below for my copy, to read this 
 fascinating article, and see three trailers of his movies.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/g_to_m/mov2-Serkis.html

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Subj:     A Mariachi Band Serenading A Beluga Whale
          From: Wimp.com
          on 7/10/2011
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS_6-IwMPjM
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/belugawhale/

 The Mariachi Connecticut performs for a beluga whale at
 Mystic Aquarium, where they were performing during a
 wedding.  Based in Hartford, Mariachi Connecticut has been
 together eight years.  Click on either source, or below
 for my copy to view the obvious intelligence of this whale.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/animals/d_to_z/z-oth-s/beluga.html

 or at

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/animals/d_to_z/z-oth-s/beluga.flv

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Subj:     Storing Cannon Balls
          From: RFSlick on 1/23/2002
      and From: tom on 8/8/2011

 In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many
 freighters carried iron cannons.  Those cannon fired
 round iron cannon balls.  It was necessary to keep a good
 supply near the cannon, but prevent them from rolling
 about the deck.  The best storage method devised was a
 square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on
 four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

 Thus, a supply of thirty cannon balls could be stacked
 in a small area right next to the cannon.  There was
 only one problem - how to prevent the bottom layer from
 sliding/rolling from under the others?  The solution
 was a metal plate called a, "Monkey," with sixteen
 round indentations.  If this plate was made of iron,
 the iron balls would quickly rust to it.

 The solution to the rusting problem was to make, "Brass
 Monkeys."  Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts
 much more and much faster than iron when chilled.
 Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the
 brass indentations would shrink so much that the cannon
 balls would roll right off the monkey.

 Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the
 balls off a brass monkey!" (And all this time, you have
 had dirty thoughts, haven't you?) - - -

 This is a good story, but it is an urban legend as verified
 at http://www.snopes.com/language/stories/brass.asp

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Subj:     Touch The Mouse Pointer To His Nose
          Made by SelfControlFreak
          From: kgilmour2000 on 8/8/2011
 Source: http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html

 With practice, three times I was able to rest the mouse 
 on the man's nose.  Click on the above source, or below
 for my copy, to play this fun interactive video. 

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/b_to_e/eyes-nose.html

 Go to http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com to see all twenty- 
 two interactive videos.

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Subj:     College Football Coach Quotes
          From: tom on 8/6/2011
Drawing from Flickr.com
 Source: http://www.davidstuff.com/humor/coachquotes.htm

 Click on the above source, or below for my copy, 
 to read some wonderful college football quotes.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/sports/a_to_z/foot-supp-coaches.html

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Subj:     Two Southern Ladies Talk
          From: thebartend on 8/16/2001
      and From: sam.hutkins on 8/5/2011

 Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood, one from Georgia,
 the other from Alabama, were conversing on the porch swing
 of a large white pillared mansion.

 The Georgia peach said, "When my first child was born, my
 husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

 The lady from Alabama commented. "Well, bless your heart."

 The first woman continued, "When my second child was born,
 my husband bought me that fine Cadillac you see parked in
 the drive.  "Again, the belle from Alabama commented, Well,
 bless your heart."

 The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was
 born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
 Yet again, the second of the ladies commented, "Well, bless
 your heart."

 The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your
 husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

 "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Alabama
 belle.

 "Charm school, the first woman cried, "Land sakes," child,
 what on Earth for?""

 The Alabamian responded, "So that instead of saying "Who
 gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart."

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Subj:     Hagar Sunday Comic Strip
          by Dik Browne
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/31/2011
 Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving/
.........comics/king_hagar_horrible.html?name=Hagar_The_Horrible

 Click below to read this cute, Hagar the Horrible,
 Sunday comic strip about how to get a girlfriend.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/people/d_files/dat2-Hagar.html

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Subj:     Snoopy And Bridge II
          By Charles M. Schulz
          From: News.Yahoo.com on 8/7/2011
 Source: http://news.yahoo.com/comics/peanuts

 Click below to see this Sunday Classic Peanuts 
 comic strip about Snoopy and playing bridge.

 http://www.jokelibrary.net/xOtherAtoM/g2s2/snoopy2.html

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Subj:     Short Jokes That Made Me Laugh Or Smile

Subj:     Hurricane Irene Warning
          From" Ruby Lou on Facebook on 8/27/2011 

 ** THIS JUST IN ** As Hurricane Irene prepares to batter the 
 East Coast, federal disaster officials have warned that 
 Internet outages could force people to interact with other 
 people for the first time in years.  Residents are bracing 
 themselves for the horror of awkward silences and unwanted 
 eye contact.  FEMA has advised: "Be prepared.  Write down 
 possible topics to talk about in advance.  Sports...the 
 weather.  Remember, a conversation is basically a series 
 of Facebook updates strung together.": 
 

Subj:     Franklin On Wine, Beer, And Water
          From: hilary.miller05 on 8/9/2011
 Source: http://wineintro.com/quotes/benfranklin.html

Note that there is one quote that was NOT said by Ben Franklin!!
Bacteria were not CALLED Bacteria back in the 1700s.

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is strength, 
 in water there is bacteria."  -- David Auerbach
 

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Drawing from Ripleys-Believe It Or Not
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At Steve Gibbs suggestion I have placed this donate button at
a few key locations on my web site.  If you are sending me
jokes each week, or find my errors, you have already donated.
 
Hey, if you sent a quarter each week, I might have some cents.
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Calvin in Sunglasses from
GIFMania
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