Subj: Professor Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 26 jokes and articles)
Formula from
Millanimations
| >>>
Subj: Professor Jokes (Gz) (Includes 26 jokes and articles) |
|
Formula from Millanimations |
Also see COLLEGE1 file- 'Logic
And The Weed-Eater'
......................-
'Lieing
To The Professor'
......................-
'Sexist
Professor'
......................-
'Professor
Discusses Sperm'
COLLEGE2 file- 'Do You Know
Who I Am?'
ENGLISH file - 'English
Professor And Punctuation'
......................-
'Double
Negative'
GHOSTS file - 'Professor
Talks About Ghosts'
HOSPITAL1 - 'Professor
Lectures Medical Students'
PHYSICS1 file- 'Physics Saves
Lives!'
POLITICAL-SUP- 'How
To Catch Wild Pigs'
WOMEN3 file - 'Professor's
Quote About "Woman"'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Randy Pausch's Last Lecture (S580)
From: hellgunner50 on 2/27/2008 (in Tho-lrn-sp2) Source: http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=ithct48cqw |
 |
Photo from
Carnegie Mellon University |
Randy Pausch was a professor
at Carnegie Mellon University.
After he was diagnosed with
pancreatic cancer and had three
months to live, he gave is last
lecture titled "How to live
your life". You can hear
the lecture on the Oprah Show at
the source above. Don't
miss it.
The above video is 11 minutes long. It will change your life.
\\\//
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Subj: Visiting
Your Old Professor (S498b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/8/2006
A group of alumni, highly established
in their careers, got
together to visit their old
university professor. Conver-
sation soon turned into
complaints about stress in work
and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the
professor went to the kitchen
and returned with a large pot
of coffee and an assortment of
cups - porcelain, plastic, glass,
crystal, some plain
looking, some expensive, some
exquisite - telling them to
help themselves to the coffee.
All the students had a cup of
coffee in hand, the professor
said: "If you noticed, all the
nice looking expensive cups
were taken up, leaving behind
the plain and cheap ones.
While it is but normal for you
to want only the best for
yourselves, that is the source
of your problems and stress.
Be assured that the cup itself,
adds no quality to the
coffee in most cases, just more
expensive and in some cases
even hides what we drink.
What all of you really wanted
was coffee, not the cup, but
you consciously went for the
best cups...and then began
eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the
coffee, and the jobs, money
and position in society are
the cups. They are just tools
to hold and contain Life, and
the type of cup we have does
not define, nor change the quality
of Life we live. Some-
times, by concentrating only
on the cup, we fail to enjoy
the coffee God has provided
us."
God brews the coffee, not the cups...enjoy your coffee!
\\\//
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Subj: Missing
The Final Because Of A Funeral (S402)
..........From:
DafterLafter on 7/22/2004
One of my students could not
take my college seminar final
exam because of a funeral. "No
problem," I told him. "Make
it up the following week."
That week came, and again he
couldn't take the test due to
another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test
early next week," I insisted.
"I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious.
"How can you have so many people
you know pass away in three
weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people,"
he said. "I'm the only
gravedigger in town."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Professor And The Classroom Clock (S315)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/23/2003
The rules at a particular university
were such that if the
professor were not present in
the classroom by 15 minutes
past the hour, the class was
considered a "walk" and the
students were free to leave
- with no penalties for missing
a class.
The rooms were equipped with
the type wall clocks that
"jumped" ahead each minute,
in a very noticeable fashion. As
it were, these clocks were also
not of the most
sophisticated construction.
Some enterprising student
discovered that if one were
to
hit the clock with chalkboard
erasers, it would cause the
clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
It became almost daily practice
for these students to take
target practice at the clock
(as it would have it, this
particular professor was not
the most punctual, and the
students considered him severely
"absent-minded"). A few
well aimed erasers, and lo,
15 minutes were passed, and
class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next
exam rolled around, the
professor strolled into the
room, passed out the exams, and
told them "You have 1 hour to
complete".
The professor then proceeded
to collect the erasers from
around the room, gleefully taking
aim at the clock. When he
had successfully "jumped" the
clock forward 1 hour, he
closed the class and collected
the exam papers.
\\\//
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Subj: Professors
Define A Kiss (S311b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/18/2003
How the professors of different
subjects define the same
word, *kiss*, in different ways:
**Prof. of Physics:
Kiss is the contraction of mouth
due to the expansion
of the heart.
**Prof. of Algebra:
Kiss is infinity because it
is two divided by nothing.
**Prof. of Geometry:
Kiss is the shortest distance
between two lips.
**Prof. of Chemistry:
Kiss is the reaction of the
interaction between two hearts.
**Prof. of Zoology:
Kiss is the interchange of salivary
bacteria.
**Prof. of Accountancy:
Kiss is a credit because it
is profitable when returned.
**Prof. of Economics:
Kiss is that thing for which
the demand is always higher
than the supply.
**Prof. of English:
Kiss is a noun that is used
as a conjunction;
it is more common than proper.
\\\//
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Subj: The
Evils Of Marijuana (S243)
From: dogbyte on 9/25/2001
A certain college professor was
notorious for getting off
the topic of the lecture, and
on to his favorite subject:
the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his
inventory of horrors: "Used
regularly, pot can cause psychic
disorientation, sterility,
cancer and castration!"
"Now wait a minute, Professor,"
interrupted a student.
"Castration?!? That's
absurd!"
"No young man, it's sadly true,"
replied the Teacher smugly.
"Just suppose your girlfriend
gets the munchies!"
\\\//
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Subj: Professor
Discusses Emotional Extremes (S138)
From: collins on 09/20/1999
The aspiring psychiatrists from
various colleges were attending
their first class on emotional
extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters,"
said the professor, to the
student from the University
of Houston, "What is the opposite of
joy?"
"Sadness," said the UH student.
"And the opposite of depression?"
he asked of the young lady from
the University of Texas.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the
young man from Texas AM, "how about
the opposite of woe?
"The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
\\\//
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Subj: Philosophy
Professor's One Question Final (S406b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/25/2004
An eccentric philosophy professor
gave a one question final
exam after a semester dealing
with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated
and ready to go when the
professor picked up his chair,
plopped it on top of his desk
and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned
this semester, prove that
this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased,
notebooks were filled in
furious fashion. Some students
wrote over 30 pages in one
hour attempting to refute the
existence of the chair. One
member of the class however,
was up and finished in less
than a minute.
A week later when the grades
were posted, the rest of the
group wondered how he could
have gotten an "A" when he had
barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
\\\//
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Subj: Philosophy
Professor Discusses God (S129b)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/18/99
A college student was in a philosophy
class which had a discussion
about God's existence. The professor
presented the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen
God?" When nobody spoke for the
third time, he simply stated,
"Then there is no God."
One student thought for a second,
and then asked for permission to
reply. Curious to hear this
bold student's response, the professor
granted it, and the student
stood up and asked the following
questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Again, silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared
to speak, the student concluded,
"Then, according to our professor's
logic, it must be true that
our professor has no brain!"
\\\//
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Subj: Atheist
Professor Teaches About God (S519b)
From: jbcary1 on 1/5/2007
A United States Marine was attending
some college courses
between assignments. He
had completed missions in Iraq
and Afghanistan. One of
the courses had a professor who
was a vowed atheist.
One day the professor shocked
the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and
flatly stated, "God, if you
are real, then I want you to
knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent.
You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, "Here I
am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last
couple of minutes when the Marine
got out of his Chair,
went up to the professor, and
cold-cocked him; knocking
him off the platform.
The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat
and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked
and stunned and sat there
looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at
the Marine and asked, "What
the hell is the matter with
you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God
was too busy today
protecting America's soldiers
who are protecting your
right to say stupid [bleep]
and act like an [bleep]. So,
He sent me."
\\\//
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Subj: Question
On The Night School Test (S107, S451)
From: FrankRoesc on 99-02-08
and
From: RFSlick 9/4/2005
During my second month of night
school, our professor gave
us a pop quiz. I was a
conscientious student and had
breezed through the questions,
until I read the last one:
"What is the first name of the
woman who cleans the school?"
Obviously, this was some kind
of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times.
She was tall, dark-haired
and in her 50s, but how would
I know her name? I handed
in my paper, leaving the last
question blank.
Before class ended, one student
asked if the last question
would count toward our quiz
grade. "Absolutely," said the
professor. "In your lives,
in your careers, you will meet
many people. All are significant.
They deserve your
attention and care, even if
all you do is smile and say
'hello'."
I've never forgotten that lesson.
I also learned her name
was Dorothy.
\\\//
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Subj: The
Professor, A Girl Student, A Studying (S278)
From: dogbyte on 5/28/2002
A student comes to a young professor's
office hours. She
glances down the hall, closes
his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do *anything* to pass
this exam." She leans
closer to him, flips back her
hair, gazes meaningfully
into his eyes. "I mean..."
she whispers, "...I would
do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens. "*Anything*??"
"*Anything*."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"
\\\//
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Subj: Professor
At Nightspot
from: Playboy February 1997
A professor was taking in the
scene at a popular L.A.
nightspot when a miniskirted
Valley Girl sashayed over
to him and said, "Like, I want
you to totally screw my
brains out."
"Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."
\\\//
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Subj: Physics
And Math Professors Examine Equation
Physics professor is walking
across campus, runs into Math
Professor. Physics professor
has been doing an experiment,
and has worked out an emphirical
equation that seems to
explain his data, and asks the
Math professor to look at it.
A week later, they meet again,
and the Math professor says
the equation is invalid.
By then, the Physics professor
has used his equation to predict
the results of further
experiments, and he is getting
excellent results, so he
askes the Math professor to
look again.
Another week goes by, and they
meet once more. The Math
professor tells the Physics
professor the equation does
work, "But only in the trivial
case where the numbers are
real and positive."
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Subj: Professor
Santa Claus
Last night, for some reason I
was thinking about Santa Claus
and I had an incredible realization.
Consider the following:
o You never actually see Santa,
only his "assistants".
o Santa keeps his job until
he decides to retire.
o Santa doesn't really do the
work; he directs a bunch
of helpers to do all
his work for him, but he's the one
who everybody credits
with the work.
o Santa doesn't work anywhere
near a 40 hour week.
o Santa travels a lot.
Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!
\\\//
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Subj: Advice
To University Staff
From: ArmaDillow on 97-07-14
Advice to University Staff :
WHAT YOUR STUDENT SAYS
WHAT YOUR STUDENT MEANS
----------------------
-----------------------
Your course is too tough
I haven't been doing
my homework
Writing exams makes me nervous
I haven't been doing
my homework
You're always trying to show
us I'm embarrassed because
how smart you are
I'm not prepared again
I understand the overall concept
I haven't got a clue
of this topic
about the current topic
I would like to have had more
time I didn't read it
to study the text
I have some concerns about the
theory I hope this won't be
upon which this lecture is based
on the exam
There are some aspects of the
I sure as hell ain't
chapter that I would like to
gonna read that many pages
hear more about
go over the highlights
Your lectures are not strongly
You mean I have to come to
enough linked to the text
lectures to get the notes?
Your lecture is an interesting
I fell asleep in class
explanation of the text material
You've failed to discuss some
of the What do you mean
more relevant sections of the
text -- read on my own?
I would like you to explain...
I don't know anything
stuff
about this
Do you have a minute to answer
a Wanna listen to me
question about the assignment?
whine for an hour?
The exam was unfair I didn't study
I need an extension
I started this morning and just
realised that I can't finish it in
3 hours
You're the worst prof I ever had You make us work hard
The prof I had last term was
He didn't make us work
much better
I'll never take another course
I've failed
from you again
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Subj: Short
Professor Jokes
| Subj:
Does Evil Exist (S519c)
From: drgolfmd on 12/28/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Professor
Lightens Lecture (S555)
From: edbabcock on 8/27/2007
A Professor was giving a lecture
on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year
medical students. Realizing
that this was not the most riveting
subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood
slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in
the front row and said, "Do
you know what your ass hole
is doing while you're having an
orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The professor laughed so hard
he could not continue with
the class.
Top
Subj: Poor
College Student (S308b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/19/2002
A woman called the dean of the
college that her freshman
son was going to.
"I'm worried. I don't know who
my son can hang out with. He
doesn't have the kind of money
all the other students have."
The dean replied, " He can hang out with the faculty."
Top
Subj: Philosophy
101
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-19
The Theology professor asked
the student,
"what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?"
"Elation."
"And how about the opposite
of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy
up."
Professor Dave Allstot, who substituted
for Professor
Ron Rohrer for a lecture in
18-220, Fundamentals of
Electrical Engineering:
Well, I feel a bit like Elizabeth
Taylor's 7th husband
on their first night.
I know what to do, but I'm not
sure I can make it interesting.
On one occasion a student burst
into his office.
"Professor Stigler, I don't
believe I deserve this F
you've given me." To which
Stigler replied, "I agree,
but unfortunately it is the
lowest grade the University
will allow me to award."
Professor: I'm dismissing you
ten minutes earlier today.
Please get out quietly not to
wake up the other classes.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
A dean is to a faculty as a hydrant
is to a dog.
-- Alfred Kahn
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/21/2002 (S273c)
"There's many a bestseller that
could
have been prevented by a good
teacher."
-- Flannery O'Connor
(1925-1964)
\\\//
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 |
College lecture from
Smiley_Central |