Subj: College Graduate Jokes
(Includes 20 jokes and articles, 11773n,1,cf)
Graduate Owl from
Also see DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Medical
Students Diagnose Syndromes'
HOSPITAL1 - 'Professor Lectures Medical Students'
JEWISH2 file - 'Archaelogical Dig In Israel'
PLANE1 file - 'Man Meets Lady Lecturer On Plane'
PSYCHOLOGY - 'Three Take Personality Test'
......................- 'Psychology Experiment At A Bar'
Frank And Ernest Cartoon (DU)
By Bob Thaves
From: WashingtonPost.com on 11/5/2011
Click 'HERE' to watch Frank apply for a job after graduation.
Subj: Vet School Students Learn Lesson (S528)
From: darrell94590 on 3/2/2007
(Also see 'Professor Lectures Medical Students' in Hospital1)
First-year students at Texas
A&M's Vet School were receiving
their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all
gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with
a white sheet.
The professor started the class
by telling them, "In Vet
Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as
a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor
pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the
dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead
and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated
for several minutes. But
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening
of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor
looked at them and told
them "The second most important quality is observation. I
stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now
learn to pay attention."
Subj: Common Phrases From Research Papers Translated (S75, DU)
From: Anaise on 98-07-03
These are the real translations
of some common phrases
from research papers:
''It has long been known'' --
I didn't look up
the original reference.
''In my experience'' -- Once.
''In case after case'' -- Twice.
''In a series of cases'' -- Thrice.
''Three of the samples were chosen
for detailed study''
-- The other results didn't make any sense.
''Typical results are shown'' -- This is the prettiest graph.
''These results will be in a
-- I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
''It is believed that'' -- I think.
''It is generally believed that''
-- A couple of other guys think so too.
''A statistically oriented projection
of the significance
of these findings'' -- A wild guess.
''A careful analysis of attainable
-- Three pages of notes were obliterated
when I knocked over a glass of beer.
''It is clear that much additional
work will be required
before a complete understanding of this phenomena occurs''
-- I don't understand it.
''After additional study by my
-- They don't understand it either.
''It is hoped that this study
further investigation in this field'' -- I quit.
Subj: Fox Gets His PHD (DU)
In a forest a fox bumps into
a little rabbit, and says,
"Hi, junior, what are you up to?"
"I'm writing a dissertation on
how rabbits eat foxes,"
said the rabbit.
"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
They both go into the rabbit's
dwelling and after a while
the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.
Along comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
"I'm writing the second chapter
of my thesis, on how
rabbits devour wolves."
"Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
"Come with me and I'll show you." ......
As before, the rabbit comes out
with a satisfied look on
his face and this time he has a diploma in his paw. The
camera pans back and into the rabbit's cave and, as every-
body should have guessed by now, we see an enourmous mean-
looking lion sitting next to the bloody and furry remains
of the wolf and the fox.
The moral of this story is:
It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
it's your PhD advisor that counts.
Subj: Job Interview (S126, S575b)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-23
and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/26/99
(See 'Job Interview' in JOBS3
and 'Black Man At Welfare Office' in BLACKS2)
Reaching the end of the job interview,
the Human Resources
person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?".
The candidate responded confidently,
"In the neighborhood
of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said, "Well, what
would you say to a benefits
package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical
and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary,
and a company car leased every two years - say a red Corvette?"
The graduate sat up, mouth agape
"Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer responded,
but you started it!"
Subj: Graduate Students (S75, S644)
From: Playboy February 1997
What does a graduate student
with a science degree ask?
Why does it work?
What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?
How does it work?
What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?
Do you want fries with that?
Second version From: Internet Joke
The graduate with a Science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,
"How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks,
"How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"
Subj: The Top Ten Lies Told By Graduate Students (DU)
(taken from the Harvard Crimson)
10. It doesn't bother me
at all that my college roommate
is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and
then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
Subj: Top Five Lies Told By Teaching Fellows: (DU)
5. I'm not going to grant
4. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.
Subj: You Just Might Be A Grad Student If (DU)
...you can analyze the significance
you cannot operate.
...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to
track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...you are searching a single paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that
you consider "yours."
...you actually have a preference between microfilm
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the
traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more
productive without the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...professors don't really care when you turn
in work anymore.
...you find the bibliographies of books more
interesting than the actual text.
...you have given up trying to keep your books organized
and are now just trying to keep them all in the same
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature
...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters
before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt,
not an equation.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you
are in "20th grade".
...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
...you frequently wonder how long you can live on
pasta without getting scurvy
...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking
to yourself as "personal communication"
...the concept of free time scares you.
...you hope for more free time in which to study.
...you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
...you've ever brought books with you on vacation
and actually studied.
...Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
...the professor doesn't show up to class & you discuss
the readings anyway.
...you can identify universities by their internet domains.
...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
...you include the words "paradigm" & "dialectic"
in letters to your parents.
...you don't trust anything that doesn't have footnotes.
...you have difficulty reading anything that
doesn't have footnotes.
...you understand jokes about Foucault.
...you understand and laugh at jokes that reference Foucault.
...you've travelled across two state lines specifically
to go to a library.
...you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which*
twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
...you still feel guilty about giving students low grades
(you'll get over it).
...you can read course books and cook at the same time.
...you schedule events for academic vacations so
your friends can come.
...you hope it snows during spring break so you can get
more studying in.
...you've ever worn out a library card.
...you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
...you find yourself citing sources in conversation.
...you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.
Subj: Why God Never Received Tenure At The University
Because He had only one
And it was in Hebrew.
He stated all his results without proofs.
And it had no references.
And it wasn't published in a refereed journal.
And some even doubt He wrote it himself.
He made his graduate student (Mohd/Jesus) do all the work,
but did not list him as co-author.
He also never explained why some graduate students*,
with low GRE scores, were working for him
in the first place.
He never presented his own results,
let his graduate students do all the presentations.
His data on creation of world in 7 days has been questioned.
It may be true that He created the world,
but what has He published/done since?
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
The scientific community has had a very rough time
trying to repeat His results.
He never wrote a grant proposal.
His research, not matter how useful, was never approved.
He never replied to mail, phone calls, emails, etc
when other researchers wanted technical data from him.
He never fully explained his reasons for letting
Dan Qualye to be born.
Subj: Graduate Chain Letter (DU)
Dear Fellow Scientist:
This letter has been around the world at least seven times.
It has been to many major conferences. Now it has come to
you. It will bring you good fortune. This is true even if
you don't believe it. But you must follow these instructions:
- include in your next
journal article the citations below.
- remove the first citation from the list and add a
citation to your journal article at the bottom.
- make ten copies and send them to colleagues.
Within one year, you will be
cited up to 10,000 times! This
will amaze your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and
improve your sex life. In addition, you will bring joy to
many colleagues. Do not break the reference loop, but send
this letter on today.
Dr. H. received this letter and
within a year after passing
it on she was elected to the National Academy of Sciences.
Prof. M. threw this letter away and was denied tenure. In
Japan, Dr. I. received this letter and put it aside. His
article for Trans. on Nephrology was rejected. He found
the letter and passed it on, and his article was published
that year in the New England Journal of Medicine. In the
Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter, and in a
budget cutback his entire department was eliminated. This
could happen to you if you break the chain of citations.
1. Miller, J. (1992).
Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory of light.
Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117.
2. Johnson, S. (1991).
Micturition in the canid family: the irresistable pull
of the hydrant. Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.
3. Anderson, R. (1990). Your place or mine?:
An empirical comparison of two models of human mating
behavior. Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77.
4. David, E. (1994).
Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic Optimization:
Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks with
Emergent Symbolic Structure. (doctoral dissertation,
University of California at Santa Royale El Camino del
Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea).
Subj: Short College Graduate jokes
Passed on to me from one of our senior faculty.... (S11, S686b)
The juvenile sea squirt wanders
through the sea searching
for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make
its home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary
nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root,
it doesn't need its brain any more so it eats it. It's
rather like getting tenure.
What I don't understand I despise, what I despise I reject.
Since figures and pictures strike
the imagination of the
reader much better, all articles and dissertations should
be published in cartoon form to reach a larger publicum.
When Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation
freeing the slaves, he forgot to include graduate students.
Grad school is the snooze button
on the clock-radio of life.
-- John Rogers
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research.
Q: What is the difference between
a galley slave
and a graduate student?
A: They occasionally fed galley slaves.
Q: Why does a Purdue graduate
put his/her diploma
on the dashboard?
A: So s/he can park in the handicapped spots.
Q: What do Divine Brown and graduate
have in common?
A: They both blow Grants!!
|College grad from