Subj: College Graduate Jokes
(Includes 20 jokes and articles, 11773n,1,cf)
Graduate Owl from
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Subj: College Graduate Jokes (Includes 20 jokes and articles, 11773n,1,cf) |
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Graduate Owl from Animation Factory |
Also see DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Medical
Students Diagnose Syndromes'
HOSPITAL1 - 'Professor
Lectures Medical Students'
JEWISH2 file - 'Archaelogical
Dig In Israel'
PLANE1 file - 'Man
Meets Lady Lecturer On Plane'
PSYCHOLOGY - 'Three
Take Personality Test'
......................-
'Psychology
Experiment At A Bar'
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Subj:
Frank And Ernest Cartoon (DU)
By Bob Thaves From: WashingtonPost.com on 11/5/2011 |
Click 'HERE' to watch Frank apply for a job after graduation.
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Subj: Vet
School Students Learn Lesson (S528)
From: darrell94590 on 3/2/2007
(Also see 'Professor
Lectures Medical Students' in Hospital1)
First-year students at Texas
A&M's Vet School were receiving
their first anatomy class, with
a real dead cow. They all
gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with
a white sheet.
The professor started the class
by telling them, "In Vet
Medicine it is necessary to
have two important qualities as
a doctor: The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything
involving the animal body.
For an example, the Professor
pulled back the sheet, stuck
his finger in the butt of the
dead cow, withdrew it and stuck
it in his mouth. "Go ahead
and do the same thing," he told
his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated
for several minutes. But
eventually took turns sticking
a finger in the anal opening
of the dead cow and sucking
on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor
looked at them and told
them "The second most important
quality is observation. I
stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now
learn to pay attention."
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Subj: Common
Phrases From Research Papers Translated (S75, DU)
From: Anaise on 98-07-03
These are the real translations
of some common phrases
from research papers:
''It has long been known'' --
I didn't look up
the original reference.
''In my experience'' -- Once.
''In case after case'' -- Twice.
''In a series of cases'' -- Thrice.
''Three of the samples were chosen
for detailed study''
-- The other results
didn't make any sense.
''Typical results are shown'' -- This is the prettiest graph.
''These results will be in a
subsequent report''
-- I might get around
to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
''It is believed that'' -- I think.
''It is generally believed that''
-- A couple of other
guys think so too.
''A statistically oriented projection
of the significance
of these findings'' --
A wild guess.
''A careful analysis of attainable
data''
-- Three pages of notes
were obliterated
when I knocked over a
glass of beer.
''It is clear that much additional
work will be required
before a complete understanding
of this phenomena occurs''
-- I don't understand
it.
''After additional study by my
colleagues''
-- They don't understand
it either.
''It is hoped that this study
will stimulate
further investigation
in this field'' -- I quit.
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Subj: Fox
Gets His PHD (DU)
In a forest a fox bumps into
a little rabbit, and says,
"Hi, junior, what are you up
to?"
"I'm writing a dissertation on
how rabbits eat foxes,"
said the rabbit.
"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
They both go into the rabbit's
dwelling and after a while
the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
expression on his face.
Along comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
"I'm writing the second chapter
of my thesis, on how
rabbits devour wolves."
"Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
"Come with me and I'll show you." ......
As before, the rabbit comes out
with a satisfied look on
his face and this time he has
a diploma in his paw. The
camera pans back and into the
rabbit's cave and, as every-
body should have guessed by
now, we see an enourmous mean-
looking lion sitting next to
the bloody and furry remains
of the wolf and the fox.
The moral of this story is:
It's not the contents of your
thesis that are important --
it's your PhD advisor that counts.
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Subj: Job
Interview (S126, S575b)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-23
and
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/26/99
(See 'Job Interview'
in JOBS3
and 'Black
Man At Welfare Office' in BLACKS2)
Reaching the end of the job interview,
the Human Resources
person asked the young MBA fresh
out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking
for?".
The candidate responded confidently,
"In the neighborhood
of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."
The HR person said, "Well, what
would you say to a benefits
package of 5-weeks vacation,
14 paid holidays, full medical
and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary,
and a company car leased every
two years - say a red Corvette?"
The graduate sat up, mouth agape
and said,
"Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer responded,
"Of course...
but you started it!"
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Subj: Graduate
Students (S75, S644)
From: Playboy February 1997
What does a graduate student
with a science degree ask?
Why does it work?
What does a graduate student
with an engineering degree ask?
How does it work?
What does a graduate student
with a liberal arts degree ask?
Do you want fries
with that?
Second version From: Internet Joke
Archive
The graduate with a Science
degree asks,
"Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering
degree asks,
"How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting
degree asks,
"How much will
it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal
Arts degree asks,
"Do you want fries
with that?"
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Subj: The
Top Ten Lies Told By Graduate Students (DU)
(taken from the Harvard Crimson)
10. It doesn't bother me
at all that my college roommate
is
making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to
proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot
of practical importance.
7. I would never date
an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article
was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot
of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more
book to read and
then
I'll start writing.
3. The department is
giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look
really
good.
1. No really, I'll be
out of here in only two more years.
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Subj: Top
Five Lies Told By Teaching Fellows: (DU)
5. I'm not going to grant
any extensions.
4. Call me any time.
I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what
I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm
as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is
much better prepared than you guys.
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Subj: You
Just Might Be A Grad Student If (DU)
...you can analyze the significance
of appliances
you cannot operate.
...your carrel is better decorated
than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore
project, attempted to
track the progress
of your own joke across the Internet.
...you are searching a single
paper.
...there is a microfilm reader
in the library that
you consider "yours."
...you actually have a preference
between microfilm
and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of
day by looking at the
traffic flow at
the library.
...you look forward to summers
because you're more
productive without
the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a
vitamin.
...you consider all papers to
be works in progress.
...professors don't really care
when you turn
in work anymore.
...you find the bibliographies
of books more
interesting than
the actual text.
...you have given up trying
to keep your books organized
and are now just
trying to keep them all in the same
general area.
...you have accepted guilt as
an inherent feature
of relaxation.
...you reflexively start analyzing
those greek letters
before you realize
that it's a sorority sweatshirt,
not an equation.
...you find yourself explaining
to children that you
are in "20th grade".
...you start refering to stories
like "Snow White et al."
...you frequently wonder how
long you can live on
pasta without getting
scurvy
...you look forward to taking
some time off to do laundry.
...you have more photocopy cards
than credit cards.
...you wonder if APA style allows
you to cite talking
to yourself as
"personal communication"
...the concept of free time
scares you.
...you hope for more free time
in which to study.
...you consider caffeine to
be a major food group.
...you've ever brought books
with you on vacation
and actually studied.
...Saturday nights spent studying
no longer seem weird.
...the professor doesn't show
up to class & you discuss
the readings anyway.
...you can identify universities
by their internet domains.
...you are constantly looking
for a thesis in novels.
...you include the words "paradigm"
& "dialectic"
in letters to your
parents.
...you don't trust anything
that doesn't have footnotes.
...you have difficulty reading
anything that
doesn't have footnotes.
...you understand jokes about
Foucault.
...you understand and laugh
at jokes that reference Foucault.
...you've travelled across two
state lines specifically
to go to a library.
...you appreciate the fact that
you get to choose *which*
twenty hours out
of the day you have to work.
...you still feel guilty about
giving students low grades
(you'll get over
it).
...you can read course books
and cook at the same time.
...you schedule events for academic
vacations so
your friends can
come.
...you hope it snows during
spring break so you can get
more studying in.
...you've ever worn out a library
card.
...you find taking notes in
a park relaxing.
...you find yourself citing
sources in conversation.
...you've ever sent a personal
letter with footnotes.
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Subj: Why
God Never Received Tenure At The University
Because He had only one
major publication.
And it was in Hebrew.
He stated all his results
without proofs.
And it had no references.
And it wasn't published
in a refereed journal.
And some even doubt He
wrote it himself.
He made his graduate
student (Mohd/Jesus) do all the work,
but
did not list him as co-author.
He also never explained
why some graduate students*,
with
low GRE scores, were working for him
in
the first place.
He never presented his
own results,
let
his graduate students do all the presentations.
His data on creation
of world in 7 days has been questioned.
It may be true that He
created the world,
but
what has He published/done since?
His cooperative efforts
have been quite limited.
The scientific community
has had a very rough time
trying
to repeat His results.
He never wrote a grant
proposal.
His research, not matter
how useful, was never approved.
He never replied to mail,
phone calls, emails, etc
when
other researchers wanted technical data from him.
He never fully explained
his reasons for letting
Dan
Qualye to be born.
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Subj: Graduate
Chain Letter (DU)
Dear Fellow Scientist:
This letter has been around
the world at least seven times.
It has been to many major conferences.
Now it has come to
you. It will bring you
good fortune. This is true even if
you don't believe it.
But you must follow these instructions:
- include in your next
journal article the citations below.
- remove the first citation
from the list and add a
citation to your
journal article at the bottom.
- make ten copies and
send them to colleagues.
Within one year, you will be
cited up to 10,000 times! This
will amaze your fellow faculty,
assure your promotion and
improve your sex life.
In addition, you will bring joy to
many colleagues. Do not
break the reference loop, but send
this letter on today.
Dr. H. received this letter and
within a year after passing
it on she was elected to the
National Academy of Sciences.
Prof. M. threw this letter away
and was denied tenure. In
Japan, Dr. I. received this
letter and put it aside. His
article for Trans. on Nephrology
was rejected. He found
the letter and passed it on,
and his article was published
that year in the New England
Journal of Medicine. In the
Midwest, Prof. K. failed to
pass on the letter, and in a
budget cutback his entire department
was eliminated. This
could happen to you if you break
the chain of citations.
1. Miller, J. (1992).
Post-modern neo-cubism and the
wave theory of light.
Journal of Cognitive Artifacts,
8, 113-117.
2. Johnson, S. (1991).
Micturition in the canid family:
the irresistable pull
of the hydrant. Physics
Quarterly, 33, 203-220.
3. Anderson, R. (1990). Your
place or mine?:
An empirical comparison of two
models of human mating
behavior. Psychology Yesterday
12, 63-77.
4. David, E. (1994).
Modern Approaches to Chaotic
Heuristic Optimization:
Means of Analyzing Non-Linear
Intelligent Networks with
Emergent Symbolic Structure.
(doctoral dissertation,
University of California at
Santa Royale El Camino del
Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea).
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Subj: Short
College Graduate jokes
Passed on to me from one of our senior faculty.... (S11, S686b)
The juvenile sea squirt wanders
through the sea searching
for a suitable rock or hunk
of coral to cling to and make
its home for life. For
this task it has a rudimentary
nervous system. When it
finds its spot and takes root,
it doesn't need its brain any
more so it eats it. It's
rather like getting tenure.
What I don't understand I despise, what I despise I reject.
Since figures and pictures strike
the imagination of the
reader much better, all articles
and dissertations should
be published in cartoon form
to reach a larger publicum.
When Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation
Proclamation,
freeing the slaves, he forgot
to include graduate students.
Grad school is the snooze button
on the clock-radio of life.
-- John Rogers
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
To steal ideas from one person
is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research.
Q: What is the difference between
a galley slave
and a graduate
student?
A: They occasionally fed galley
slaves.
Q: Why does a Purdue graduate
put his/her diploma
on the dashboard?
A: So s/he can park in the handicapped
spots.
Q: What do Divine Brown and graduate
students
have in common?
A: They both blow Grants!!
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College grad from
Smiley_Central |