(Includes 22 jokes and articles)
Earth from
Animation Factory
| Subj:
College1 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 22 jokes and articles) |
|
Earth from Animation Factory |
Also see BIRDS file - 'MIT
Student Feeds Birds'
BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde
Vs Roe & Wade'
BREAST file - 'Four
Advantages Of Breast Milk'
COLLEGE-PROF - 'Missing
The Final Because Of A Funeral'
COMPUTERS4 - 'CS
Class'
COWBOY2 file - 'Three
Men At The Urinals'
DOG3 file - 'Fido
Goes To College'
DRINKING_BR2 - 'Unsafe
Water At Fraternity House'
ENGLISH file - 'Tandem Writing'
......................-
'English
Professor & Punctuation'
FOOD-ETC - 'How
To Cook A Berkeley Student'
FOOTBALL - 'Two
Football Players Take Final Exam'
FACTS2 file - 'Stop
The Timeline...I Want Off'
HOW MANY file- 'How
Many SEC Students...To Change A Light Bulb?
JOBS1 file - 'Coffee
w/Milk'
KIDS2 file - 'Child
Decides To Run Away'
LIBRARY file - 'B.O.O.K'
MONKEY file - 'College
Girl Buys Monkey'
PENIS3 file - 'Penis
Research'
PHYSICS1 file- 'Physics Saves
Lives!'
PHYSICS2 file- 'Finding
Height With A Barometer'
......................-
'Is
Hell Exothermic Or Endothermic?'
PLANE1 file - 'Man
Meets Lady Lecturer On Plane'
POLIT-CLINTON- 'Chelsea
Returns From College'
.........PROFESSOR
- 'Poor College Student'
......................-
'Philosophy
Professor Discusses God'
......................-
'Question
On The Night School Test'
......................-
(the
whole file)
PSYCHOLOGY - 'Dumpster
Experiment'
SCHOOL1 file - 'Teacher
Deals With Sexual Exhaustion'
SCOTTISH - 'Going
To College In England'
SEX3 file - 'Sex
Positions Discussed In College'
SOLDIER1 file- 'Girl
Asks Colonel When He Last Had Sex'
SPEECHES file- 'Steve Jobs' Commencement
Address At Stanford'
......................-
'Anna
Quindlen's Commencement Address at Villanova'
......................-
'Kurt
Vonnegut's Commencement Address At MIT'
TEST2 file - 'SAT
Test Answers'
THOUGHTSLRND2- 'What
Really Matters'
......................-
'Rose,
A 87 Year Old College Student'
THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Thoughts
On Time Management'
TREES file - 'Son
Gives Dad A Chain Saw'
TRUCK-BUS - 'College
Paper Earns A 'C''
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Air Force Graduation Picture (S550c)
From: StrangeCosmos.com on 7/31/2007 |
 |
This is a picture of the Air
Force graduation ceremony with
the Blue Angles and their hats
flying. You can view it at
the source above, or on my site
by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: UCF
Student Set Dorm Fire To Meet Women (S496c)
From: jerry on 7/23/2006
Source: http://www.local6.com/firstnews/9546222/detail.html
A student at the University of
Central Florida is accused of
setting a fire on campus as
a way to meet women, according
to a Local 6 News report.
Police said Matthew Damsky admitted
to lighting a couch on
fire at the Academic Village
Dorms
last week. Damsky told
officers he hoped he would be
able to meet women as the
building was being evacuated.
He was arrested for arson and
booked in to the Orange County
Jail. There were no injuries
in connection with the fire.
\\\//
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Subj: College
Student Talks To Her Dad (S462c)
From: thebartend on 4/20/2006
A young woman was about to finish
her first year of college.
Like so many others her age,
she considered herself to be a
very liberal Democrat, and was
very much in favor of the
redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her
father was a rather staunch
Republican, a feeling she openly
expressed. Based on the
lectures that she had participated
in, and the occasional
chat with a professor, she felt
that her father had for years
harbored an evil, selfish desire
to keep what he thought
should be his.
One day she was challenging her
father on his opposition to
higher taxes on the rich and
the addition of more government
welfare programs. The
self-professed objectivity proclaimed
by her professors had to be
the truth and she indicated so
to her father. He responded
by asking how she was doing in
school. Taken aback, she
answered rather haughtily that she
had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know
that it was tough to maintain,
insisting that she was taking
a very difficult course load and
was constantly studying, which
left her no time to go out and
party like other people she
knew. She didn't even have time
for a boyfriend, and didn't
really have many college friends
because she spent all her time
studying.
Her father listened and then
asked, "How is you friend Audrey
doing?" She replied, "Audrey
is barely getting by. All she
takes are easy classes, she
never studies, and she barely has
a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular
on campus, college for her is a
blast. She's always invited
to all the parties, and lots of
times she doesn't even show
up for classes because she's too
hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter,
"Why don't you go to the
Dean's office and ask him to
deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and
give it to your friend who only
has a 2.0. That way you will
both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly
that would be a fair and
equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked
by her father's suggestion,
angrily fired back, "That wouldn't
be fair! I have worked
really hard for my grades!
I've invested a lot of time, and
a lot of hard work! Audrey
has done next to nothing toward
her degree. She played
while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked
and said gently, "Welcome
to the Republican Party."
\\\//
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Subj: Speaking
Honestly To The Dead Of College (S344)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/16/2003
Wouldn't it be nice to tell the
Dean of your college what
you REALLY think about him/her?
Well,... if you like YOUR Dean
as much as I like MY Dean,
then you'd better keep your
mouth shut. I knew I'd get
kicked out of the college if
I expressed my true feelings,
so I remained silent for the
last four years. But yesterday
was my graduation. And as I
walked across the stage, the
Dean handed my diploma to me
(nicely scrolled and tied with
a ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could
finally tell that bitch
what I REALLY thought about
her. So I leaned across her
podium and I looked her straight
in the eye.
"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're
so damn ugly... you could
practice birth control just
by leaving the lights on!" And
then I walked off the stage,
and went home. I gotta tell
you that it felt just as good
as I had imagined it would
for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma,
framed it, and hung it in
the living room, where it proudly
exclaims to the world:
"In order to receive your diploma,
please present this
certificate to the Dean of your
college after final grades
have been posted!"
\\\//
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Subj: Two
College Students Meet Beggar (S167)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 4/11/00
Two college students, Frank and
Matt, are riding on a New
York City subway when a beggar
approaches them asking for
spare change. Frank adamantly
rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips
out his wallet, pulls out a
couples of singles and gladly
hands them over to the beggar
with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly
and then continues on to the
other passengers. Frank
is outraged by his friend's act
of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that
for?" shouts Frank. "You know
he's only going to use it on
drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
\\\//
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Subj: Cheek
Cells Under A Microscope
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98
I'm a bio major at IUP (Indiana
University of Pennsylvania)
and was taking a cell biology
course my freshman year. The
task of the day was examining
epitheleal cheek cells under
a microscope. We had to
scrape the inside of our mouth
with a toothpick and make a
slide from it and id the
different types of cells that
were found. One girl in the
class (a rather well built sorority
gal, which is why I sat
next to her) was having some
trouble identifing some cells.
She called the professor over
to ask him. After a moment
or two of peering in her scope,
he looked up, and said in a
loud voice, "Those are sperm
cells."
The girl turned bright red and
ran out of the room. Need-
less to say, she dropped the
class. (Although I spent two
weeks looking for her, I never
did see her again.) Such is
life.
\\\//
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Subj: Logic
And The Weed-Eater (S123, S452)
From: KMacinty on 6/4/99
and
From: darrell94590 on 9/12/2005
(Also see 'Two
Blokes, A Suit, And A Goldfish' in BAR1)
Two guys who wanted to get a
job at a computer company 'way
up North decided they'd better
get a college education so
they could interact with intelligent
people, learn to read
books, think, and be contributing
citizens of the global village.
They enrolled in the local junior
college, and the first guy
went in to see his advisor,
who said, "Randy, I want you to
take history, math, and logic."
"What's logic?" asked Randy.
"Well," said the professor, "I'll
give you an example. Do
you own a weed-eater?"
"Why, yes, I do," replied Randy. "OK,"
continued the professor, "logic
tells me that you have a yard!"
"Amazing," gushed the young
rube. "And," continued the professor,
"since you have a yard, logic
tells me that you have a house."
"I do! I do!" exclaimed the
boy.
"And," continued the professor,
"if you have a house, you probably
have a wife. And, since you
have a wife, I conclude that you are a
heterosexual." "Gaaaa-lee!"
said Randy. "That logic is sump'n
else!" He goes outside,
and his friend, Buck, asks him what
classes he's going to take.
"I'm gonna take history, math, and
logic." "What's logic?"
asks Buck.
"OK," says Randy, "I'll give
you an example: Do you own a weed-
eater?"
"Uh, no," relies Buck.
Andy pauses a bit and says "You're QUEER, ain'tcha?"
\\\//
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Subj: Letter
Home From College Coed (S215)
From: KMACINTY on 3/16/2001
(See 'A letter to Mom...'
in LETTERS1)
Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been six months since
I left for college. I'm sorry
I haven't written more often
and I'm very sorry for my
unthoughtfulness. I'm
sure you have been worried about me.
Let me bring you up to date,
but before you read on, please
sit down Ok? Don't read
any further unless you're sitting
down. Ok?
Good.
I am getting along pretty well
now. The skull fracture and
the concussion I got from jumping
out of the window of my
dormitory when it caught on
fire several months ago, are
pretty much healed now.
I only spent two weeks in the
hospital! Mom always said
the girls in our family heal fast.
In fact, I can almost see normally
again and I only get
headaches three times
a day now.
Fortunately, the fire in the
dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by a gas station attendant
who called 911. He's
so sweet. He even visited
me in the hospital, and since I
had nowhere to live because
of the burnt-out dorm, he was
kind enough to invite me to
share his apartment with him.
It's really a basement room,
but it's kind of cute. He
really is a good person with
a kind heart. We have fallen
deeply in love and are planning
to get married. We haven't
set the exact date yet, but
I'm sure that it will be before
I start to show. That's
right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant!
I know how much you are looking
forward to being grand-
parents, and I know that you
will give that baby the same
love, devotion and tender care
you gave me when I was
growing up. We would get
married now but we both failed out
premarital blood tests because
of some minor infection. He
told me about it beforehand,
but dumb me, I carelessly
caught it anyway. Not
to worry though, the doctor said my
daily penicillin injections
should clear it up by next
month.
I know you will welcome him into
our family with open arms.
He is kind, and although not
well educated, he is ambitious
-- just like Dad! Also,
he is of a different race and
religion than ours, but I know,
after all your years of
teaching me tolerance, that
you won't mind the fact that he
is somewhat darker than we are.
I'm sure you will love him
as I do.
His family background is good
too! I am told that his
father is an important gun bearer
in his native African
village. That's an important
government position where he
comes from.
Well, I guess that's all!
Now you know why I wanted you to
sit down when you this letter.
Now that I've brought you up
to date, I just wanted to let
you know -- there was no dormitory
fire, I didn't suffer a
concussion or a skull fracture,
I wasn't in the hospital.
I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged,
I don't have syphilis and
there is no boyfriend of another
race or religion in my life;
however, I DID vote for Gov.
Bush, and I just wanted you both
to see this in its proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Chelsea
P.S. Stanford is great...
I love it, though I miss you both
terribly..and socks, too!
P.S.S. Dad, please give
my best to Monica and the others.
\\\//
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Subj: Letter
Home From College Son (S136)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/2/99
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great.
I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With
all my $tuff, I $imply can`t
think of anything I need, $o
if you would like, you can
ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would
love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
----------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics,
and oceaNOgraphy
are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr
student busy. Do
NOt forget that the pursuit
of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study
eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Masterbation In Showers At Durham (S586c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/11/2008 |
Neither Snopes.com nor Yahoo
Search have any reference to
this sign so I do not know if
it is real or not. You can
view this ridiculous sign at
the above source, or on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: College
Freshman Women Students
The dean of women, addressing
the freshman class at an
exclusive upper class womens
college, concluded her
welcoming address with, "And
remember, young ladies, you
represent notonly your own honor
but that of the school.
When approached by young men,
ask yourself, Is an hour's
fun worth a lifetime of disgrace?
Now, are there any
questions?"
A pretty young thing young raised
her hand instantly and
said, "Please tell me, mam,
how do you make it last an hour?"
\\\//
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Subj: Lieing
To The Professor (S75, S337b)
From: HuntMcmahunt on 7/8/2003
Introductory Chemistry at Duke
has been taught for about a
zillion years by Professor Bonk
(really), and his course
is semi-affectionately known
as "Bonkistry." He has been
around forever, so I wouldn't
put it past him to come up
with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these
two guys who were taking
Chemistry and who did pretty
well on all of the quizzes
and the midterms and labs, etc.,
such that going into the
final they had a solid A.
These two friends were so confident
going into the final that the
weekend before finals week
(even though the Chem final
was on Monday), they decided to
go up to UVirginia and party
with some friends up there. So
they did this and had a great
time. However, with their
hangovers and everything, they
overslept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to Duke
until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final
then, what they did was to
find Professor Bonk after the
final and explain to him why
they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to
UVa for the weekend, and had
planned to come back in time
to study, but that they had
a flat tire on the way back
and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long
time and so were late getting
back to campus. Bonk thought
this over and then agreed that
they could make up the final
on the following day.
The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and
went in the next day at the
time that Bonk had told them.
He placed them in separate
rooms and handed each of them
a test booklet and told them
to begin. They looked
at the first problem, which was some-
thing simple about molaolutions
and was worth 5 points.
"Cool" they thought, "this is
going to be easy." They did
that problem and then turned
the page. They were unprepared,
however, for what they saw on
the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
\\\//
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Subj: Sexist
Professor
(Also see 'Pilot
Speaks w/Mike Open' in PLANE1
and 'Telling
Dirty Jokes At A Bridge Club' in GAMES)
A professor at a college frequently
uses sexist and degrading
terms that refer to women in
his lectures. One day, a group
of girls decide that the next
time the professor says some-
thing sexist or degrading they
would get up and walk out of
his lecture.
During the next class, the professor
said that there was a
shortage of whores in France.
Hearing this, the group of
girls got up and began to walk
out of the lecture. Seeing
the girls leaving, the professor
said, "Why are you leaving
now, the next plane to France
isn't until 7 PM."
\\\//
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Subj: School
Letters (S289b)
From: pns on 8/10/2002
Last year, a doctor was giving
physicals to a bunch of
women who were getting ready
to go back to college.
The first girl he saw took off
her top and the doctor
noticed a big bruise in the
shape of an 'H' on her chest.
The doctor asked "How'd you
get that bruise?" The girl
answered "My boyfriend goes
to Harvard and likes to make
love while wearing his letter
sweater."
The second girl he saw took off
her top and the doctor
noticed a bruise in the shape
of a 'Y' on her chest. The
doctor asked "How'd you get
that bruise?" The girl
answered "My boyfriend goes
to Yale, and likes to make
love while wearing his letter
sweater."
The third girl he saw took off
her top and the doctor
noticed a bruise in the shape
of a 'M' on her chest. The
doctor asks "Does your boyfriend
go to Michigan?" "No"
the girl says "my girlfriend
goes to the University of
Wisconsin."
\\\//
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Subj: Professor
Discusses Sperm (S41, S430)
From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 07 Nov 97
Biology Class--true story!!
In a biology class, the professor
was discussing the high
glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (FRESHMAN)
raised her hand and asked, "If
I understand, you're saying
there is a lot of glucose, as
in sugar in male semen?"
"That's correct", responded the
professor, going on to add
statistical info. Raising
her hand again, the girl asked,
"Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the
whole class burst out laughing,
the poor girl's face turned
bright red, and as she realized
exactly what she had inadvertently
said (or rather implied),
she picked up her books without
a word and walked out of
class... and never returned.
However, as she was going out
the door, the Professor's
reply was classic...
Totally straight-faced he answered
her question, "It
doesn't taste sweet because
the taste-buds for sweetness
are on the tip of your tongue
and not the back of your
throat."
\\\//
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Subj: Courage
This maybe something of a 'college
legend', but I heard it
as true:
A student taking a philosophy
class had a single question
on his final: "What is courage?".
The student wrote: "This.",
signed it, and turned it in.
I never knew what happened to
the student, but I hope he got
an A.
\\\//
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Subj: Boy
Beaten Up
Someone reported to the police
that a boy had been beaten
up. After rescueing the
boy and making sure he was okay,
the police told him that they
would take him to his mother.
The boy said, "Don't take me there; she beats me."
"Okay, then we'll take you to your dad."
"No. He beats me, too."
"Then, where would you like us to take you?"
The boy said, "Send me to Ohio State; they don't beat anybody."
\\\//
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Subj: Fake
Fraternities
Alpha Beta Soup,
Alpha Do Me, Eta Pizza Pi,
Eta Smegma Pi,
I Ata Pi, I
Phelta Thi,
I Tappa Keg,
Iota Eta Theta, Komana Wanna Laya,
Kuppa Kappa Chino,
Mu Mu Pi, Pi
Rho,
Psi Phi,
Rho Omega Tau (the letters somewhat look like POT),
Sigma Tau Delta (STD), Signa
Phi Nothing, Tappa Kegga Bru
\\\//
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Subj: True
Facts About College by DAVE BARRY (S19)
From: Wyatt's Joke Page
Many of you young persons out
there are seriously thinking
about going to college.
(That is, of course, a lie. The
only things you young persons
think seriously about are
loud music and sex. Trust
me: these are closely related
to college.)
College is basically a bunch
of rooms where you sit for
roughly two thousand hours and
try to memorize things.
The two thousand hours are spread
out over four years; you
spend the rest of the time sleeping
and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds
of things in college:
* Things you will need to know
in later life (two hours).
These include how to
make collect telephone calls and
get beer and crepe-paper
stains out of your pajamas.
* Things you will not need to
know in later life (1,998
hours). These are
the things you learn in classes whose
names end in -ology,
-osophy, -istry, -ics,
and so on. The idea is, you
memorize these things,
then write them down in little
exam books, then forget
them. If you fail to forget
them, you become a professor
and have to stay in college
for the rest of your
life.
It's very difficult to
forget everything. For example,
when I was in college,
I had to memorize -- don't ask
me why -- the names of
three metaphysical poets other
than John Donne.
I have managed to forget one of them,
but I still remember
that the other two were named
Vaughan and Crashaw.
Sometimes, when I'm trying to
remember something important
like whether my wife told
me to get tuna packed
in oil or tuna packed in water,
Vaughan and Crashaw just
pop up in my mind, right there
in the supermarket.
It's a terrible waste of brain cells.
After you've been in college
for a year or so, you're
supposed to choose a major,
which is the subject you intend
to memorize and forget the most
things about. Here is a
very important piece of advice:
Be sure to choose a major
that does not involve Known
Facts and Right Answers.
This means you must *not* major
in mathematics, physics,
biology, or chemistry, because
these subjects involve actual
facts. If, for example,
you major in mathematics, you're
going to wander into class one
day and the professor will
say: "Define the cosine integer
of the quadrant of a rhom-
boid binary axis, and extrapolate
your result to five
significant vertices." If you
don't come up with *exactly*
the answer the professor has
in mind, you fail. The same
is true of chemistry: if you
write in your exam book that
carbon and hydrogen combine
to form oak, your professor
will flunk you. He wants
you to come up with the same
answer he and all the other
chemists have agreed on.
Scientists are extremely snotty
about this.
So you should major in subjects
like English, philosophy,
psychology, and sociology --
subjects in which nobody
really understands what anybody
else is talking about,
and which involve virtually
no actual facts. I attended
classes in all these subjects,
so I'll give you a quick
overview of each:
ENGLISH: This involves writing
papers about long books
you have read little snippets
of just before class. Here
is a tip on how to get good
grades on your English papers:
Never say anything about a book
that anybody with any
common sense would say.
For example, suppose you are
studying Moby-Dick. Anybody
with any common sense
would say that Moby-Dick is
a big white whale, since the
characters in the book refer
to it as a big white whale
roughly eleven thousand times.
So in *your* paper, *you*
say Moby-Dick is actually the
Republic of Ireland. Your
professor, who is sick to death
of reading papers and
never liked Moby-Dick anyway,
will think you are
enormously creative. If
you can regularly come up with
lunatic interpretations of simple
stories, you should
major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves
sitting in a room
and deciding there is no such
thing as reality and then
going to lunch. You should
major in philosophy if you
plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking
about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are *obsessed*
with rats and dreams. I
once spent an entire semester
training a rat to punch
little buttons in a certain
sequence, then training my
roommate to do the same thing.
The rat learned much
faster. My roommate is
now a doctor. If you like rats
or dreams, and above all if
you dream about rats, you
should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of
intelligibility, sociology
is far and away the number one
subject. I sat through
hundreds of hours of sociology
courses, and read gobs of
sociology writing, and I never
once heard or read a
coherent statement. This
is because sociologists want
to be considered scientists,
so they spend most of
their time translating simple,
obvious observations into
scientific-sounding code.
If you plan to major in
sociology, you'll have to learn
to do the same thing.
For example, suppose you have
observed that children cry
when they fall down. You
should write: "Methodological
observation of the sociometrical
behavior tendencies
of prematurated isolates indicates
that a casual
relationship exists between
groundward tropism and
lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior
forms." If you can
keep this up for fifty or sixty
pages, you will get a
large government grant.
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Subj: Top
Ten Reasons College Is Like Preschool... (S139)
From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
10. You cry for your mother.
9. You cross the street
without looking for cars.
8. Snack time is a necessity.
7. You bundle up for
the outdoors without caring what you look like
(because
everyone else looks as stupid as you do).
6. You stay at home and
play games with your friends.
5. You wear your backpack
on both shoulders.
4. You wear big mittens.
3. Playing in the snow
is a legitimate activity.
2. You take naps.
1. You look forward to
grilled cheese sandwiches.
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Subj: You
KNOW You Are Out Of College (S114)
From: ArmaDillow on 97-07-14
You KNOW you are out of college
when.............
You're waking up at 6 am instead
of going to bed.
Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
College sweatshirts are 'casual'
instead of dress up.
Your parents charge rent.
Your parents walk in on you
having sex, instead
of your roommate.
The four food groups are no
longer beer, pizza,
ramen and cereal.
It's 'getting late' at 9:30
p.m.
Three words: School Loan Payments.
You make thousands of dollars
a year --
and still can't
afford that dream Porsche.
You start eyeing the Light Beer
Section appreciatively.
Pickup football games mean that
at least one person
will be in the
hospital by game's end.
Discussions with your friends
--
THEN: GPA's, phone
rates and tonsil hockey;
NOW: IRA's, interest
rates and their kid's orthodontia.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available
between noon and 6 p.m.
Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
Dinner and a movie -- The whole
date instead of the
beginning of one.
Your girlfriend being pregnant
brings thought of
tax deductions
instead of coronaries.
Jack and Cokes become Dewers
on the Rocks.
The only drugs you take are
Tums and Tylenol.
The weak single you hit in the
intramural softball
game is now remembered
as a Varsity dinger for
the League Championship.
You get your news from sources
other than USA Today,
ESPN Sportscenter
and MTV News.
Random hook-ups are no longer
acceptable.
You wear more ties/skirts in
a week than you
even owned while
taking classes.
You find yourself reminiscing
fondly of 2-hour
Calculus exams.
You empathize with the characters
from 'Friends".
Football "season tickets", which
used to be $75 for
the season with
dozens of friends are now $750 for
the season with
the three other guys who want to
get away from the
family.
Wine appreciation expands beyond
Boone's and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods
at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain
relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least
once per night,
'I just can't put
it down like I used to'.
You are the only person over
the age of 16
in your neighborhood
with a Sega.
Over 90% of the time you spend
in front of a computer
is for real work,
not video games.
You're actually willing to pay
a bit more to drink
in a bar that's
not full of '21-year-old kids.'
Golf is beginning to seem a
lot less silly.
From: ossama on 3/29/99
Your potted plants stay alive..
Having sex in a twin-sized bed
is absurd.
You keep more food than beer
in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up,
not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song
on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce
instead of hookup and breakup.
You go from 130 days of vacation
time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer
qualify as 'dressed up'
Older relatives feel comfortable
telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco
Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down
and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet
instead of McDonalds.
You go to the drugstore for
Ibuprofen and antacids,
not condoms and
pregnancy test kits.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no
longer 'pretty good stuff'.
You actually eat breakfast foods
at breakfast time.
'I just can't drink the way
I used to' replaces
'I'm never going
to drink that much again'
Over 90% of the time you spend
in front of a computer
is for real work.
You don't get liquored up at
home, to save money,
before going to
a bar.
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Subj: High
School Vs College
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
25. In high school, you
do homework. In college,
you
study.
24. No food is allowed
in the hall in high school.
In
college, food
must
be provided at an event before students will come.
23. In high school, you
wear your backpack on one shoulder;
in
college, on both.
22. In college, the professors
can tell you the answer
without
looking at the teacher's guide.
21. In college, there
are no bells or tardy slips.
20. In high school, you
have to live with your parents.
In
college, you get to live with your friends.
19. In college, you don't
have to wait in a certain
lunch
line to be cool.
18. Only nerds e-mailed
in high school. (Cool kids
hadn't
heard of it.)
17. In high school, you're
told what classes to take. In
college,
you get to choose; that is, as long as the
classes
don't conflict and you have the prerequisites
and
the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
16. In high school, if
you screw up you can usually
sweet-talk
your way out of it. In college, you're
lucky
to ever talk with the professor.
15. In high school, fire
drills are planned by the
administration;
in college, by the drunk frat boys on
their
way home when the bars close.
14. In college, any test
consists of a larger percentage
of
your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
13. In high school, when
the teacher said, "Good morning,"
you
mumbled back. In college, when the professor says,
"Good
morning," you write it down.
12. In high school, freshman
guys hit on senior girls.
In
college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
11. In college, weekends
start on Thursday.
10. In college, it's much
more difficult to figure out the
course
schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on,
in
order to figure out where she will be walking around
campus
and at what time to find them there.
9. Once you've obtained
the information described in #10,
it's
much more time-consuming to run between classes
to
that place where you know he/she will be in order
to
"just happen to bump into him/her."
8. In college, there's
no one to tell you not to eat
pizza
three meals a day.
7. In college, your dad
doesn't pay for dates.
6. In high school, it
never took 3 or 4 weeks to get
money
from Mom and Dad.
5. College men are cuter
than high school boys.
4. College women are
legal.
3. In college, when you
miss a class (or two or three),
you
don't need a note from your parents saying you
were
skip....uh, sick that day.
2. In high school, you
can't go out to lunch because
it's
not allowed. In college, you can't go out to
lunch
because you can't afford it.
1. In college, you can
blow off studying by writing
lists
like this.
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