(Includes 99 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Music-Supp
Guitarest from
AGAG Animation Gallery
| Subj:
Music Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 99 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Music-Supp
|
|
Guitarest from AGAG Animation Gallery |
Also see ACCIDENTS1 - 'Lully's
Death'
BAR SUPP - 'Piano
Player Wanted In A Bar'
BIRDS-PARROT - 'The
Christmas Bird'
BUCKLEY file - 'Lord Buckley'
CHRISTMAS4 - 'Playing
Weeweechu'
......................-
'BK
Holiday Music'
COMPUTERS3 - 'Eleanor
Rigby Revised!'
COWBOY file - 'Do-It-Yourself
Country And Western Song'
COWBOY2 file - 'Top 17 Country
Songs'
DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Dying
At A Metallica Concert'
DOCTOR1 file - 'The Colon-Rectal
Surgeon Song'
DOCTOR2 file - 'Practologist
Studies In Morgue'
DRINKING-BR1 - 'VB Stubby
Symphony'
ENGINEER3 - 'The
Engineer Song'
FART file - 'The
Ring Of Fire'
......................-
'Farting
Dog Harmonics'
FOOD_ETC2 - 'Chinese
Food Song'
......................-
'"Cat
In The Kettle" By Aaron Wilburn'
.........FROG
file - 'Man
Goes To Restraunt w/Hamster And Frog'
GERMANY file - 'The
World Is Going Crazy'
GOD-SUPP - 'Diamond
Rio's "In God We Still Trust"'
HEAVEN1 file - 'Three
Men At The Pearly Gates III'
HOSPITAL2 - 'I'm
Not Dead, And Yet I'm In Hell'
HUNTING-CAMP - 'Ted
Nugent On Deer Hunting'
IRISH2 file - 'U2 Concert
In Ireland'
JESUS file - 'Proof
that Elvis was Jesus'
MATH4-SUPP - 'The
Band Crosses A Bridge'
MEN4 file - 'Man
Song 2'
MOVIE_ETC-SUP- 'Playing
Your Trumpet In A Movie'
MOVIE_ETC-SU2- 'The
Land Of Sandra Dee - Poem'
NERD file - 'Weird
Al - White And Nerdy' - Video
OTHER-ANIMALS- 'The Good Morning
Squirrel'
POLIT-BUSH-SU- 'Bush
Sings U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday"'
PREACHER-SUPP- 'Preacher
Who Looked Like Conway Twitty'
QUOTES-CMD-SP- 'Crazy
World by Chris Rock'
RIDDLES file - 'A
What Am I Riddle #23'
SAILOR-MARINE- 'A
Sailor Gets A Harmonica'
SHIPS file - 'Bad
Musician On A Cruse Ship'
STORIES file - 'True
Story Of Taps'
STORIES-SUPP - 'Little
Girl Lost At Concert'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
3 Year-Old Xylophonist (S469b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 1/13/2006 |
 |
This amazing, WMV movie is about
a musical prodigy. You
can view it at the source above,
or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: How
To Sing The Blues! (S273d)
From: RFSlick on 4/26/2002
(See 'Do-It-Yourself
Country ? Western Song' in COWBOY)
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray
with help from Uncle
Plunky)
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a
bad way to begin the blues,
unless you
stick something nasty in the next line.
I got a good woman-
with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you
have the first line right,
repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret
Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and
Cadillacs. Other acceptable
blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the
blues. Adults sing the blues.
Blues adulthood
means old enough to get the electric
chair!
if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in
New York City, but not in
Brooklyn
or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North
Dakota are
just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and
Kansas City
are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not
belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
9. You can't have the blues
in an office or a shopping
mall, the
lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty
bed
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery
openings
c. weekend
in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it's
the blues if you wear a suit,
unless you
happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to
sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first
name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you're
blind
c. you shot
a man in Memphis.
d. you can't
be satisfied.
No!, if:
a. you were
once blind but now can see.
b. you're
deaf
c. you have
a trust fund.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor
Barbara Streisand can
sing the
blues.
14. If you ask for water and
baby gives you gasoline,
it's the
blues. Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish
whiskey
c. muddy
water
Blues beverages
are NOT:
a. Any mixed
drink
b. Any wine
kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo
(all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel
or a shotgun shack,
it's a blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a
jealous lover
is a blues way to die. So is the
electric
chair, substance abuse, or being denied
treatment
in an emergency room. It is not a blues
death if
you die during a liposuction treatment.
16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
17. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little
Willie
d. Lightning
18. Persons with names like Sierra
or Sequoia will not be
permitted
to sing the blues! (No matter how many men
they shoot
in Memphis.)
19. Other Blues Names (Starter
Kit)
a. Name of
Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Asthmatic)
b. First
name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon,
Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name
of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.)
For example,
Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson
or Cripple
Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well,maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your
life: if you own a computer,
you cannot
sing the blues.
\\\//
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Subj: The
Day The NASDAQ Died (S174)
From: Anaise on 6/1/00
The Day the NASDAQ died...
Sung to the tune of "American
Pie":
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the
market used to make me smile
What I'd do when I had the chance
Is get myself a cash advance
And add another tech stock to
the pile.
But Alan Greenspan made me shiver
With every speech that he delivered
Bad news on the rate front
Still I'd take one more punt.
I can't remember if I cried
When I heard about the CPI
I lost my fortune and my pride
The day the NASDAQ died.
So bye-bye to my piece of the
pie
Now I'm gettin' calls for margin
'Cause my cash account's dry
It's just two weeks from a new
all-time high
And now we're right back where
we were in July
We're right back where we were
in July.
Did you buy stocks you never
heard of?
QCOM at 150 or above?
'Cos George Gilder told you
so
Now do you believe in Home Depot?
Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio?
And can you teach me what's
a P/E ratio?
Well, I know that you were leveraged
too
So you can't just take a long-term
view
Your broker shut you down
No more margin could be found.
I never worried on the whole
way up
Buying dot coms from the back
of a truck
But Friday I ran out of luck
It was the day the NASDAQ died.
I started singin'
Bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now I'm gettin' calls for margin
'Cause my cash account's dry
It's just two weeks from a new
all-time high
And now we're right back where
we were in July
Yeah we're right back where
we were in July.
\\\//
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Subj: Music
Test Questions From Missouri (S126)
From: smiles on 6/24/99
Dr. Craig Jones offers:
Stuff you just have to know
about music ...
These are stories and test questions
accumulated by music
teachers in the state of Missouri.
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means don't do it.
A refrain in music is the part
you better not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half
Italian, and half English.
He was rather large.
Beethoven wrote music even though
he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music.
He took long walks in the forest
even when everyone was calling
him. I guess he could not
hear so good. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died
from this.
Henry Purcell is a well known
composer few people have ever
heard of.
Aaron Copland is one of your
most famous contemporary
composers. It is unusual
to be contemporary. Most
composers do not live until
they are dead.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci,
Canio stabs Nedda who is the
one he really loves. Pretty
soon Silvio also gets stabbed,
and they all live happily ever
after.
When a singer sings, he stirs
up the air and makes it hit
any passing eardrums.
But if he is good, he knows how to
keep it from hurting.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Caruso was at first an Italian.
Then someone heard his voice
and said he would go a long
way. And so he came to America.
A good orchestra is always ready
to play if the conductor
steps on the odium.
Morris dancing is a country survival
from times when people
were happy.
Most authorities agree that music
of antiquity was written
long ago.
Probably the most marvelous fugue
was the one between the
Hatfields and McCoys.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when
you mean there are two or
more cellos.
Another name for kettle drums
is timpani. But I think I
will just stick with the first
name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
The double bass is also called
the bass viol, string bass,
and bass fiddle. It has
so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through
them, guitars start making
sounds. So would anybody.
Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a
clarinet works by taking it apart.
I both found out and got in
trouble.
Question: Is the saxophone
a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.
The concertmaster of an orchestra
is always the person who
sits in the first chair of the
first violins. This means
that when a person is elected
concertmaster, he has to hurry
up and learn how to play a violin
real good.
For some reason, they always
put a treble clef in front of
every line of flute music.
You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument
notes at the same
time gets to be the conductor.
Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach
me to play the cello. Would
tomorrow or Friday be best?
My favorite instrument is the
bassoon. It is so hard to play
people seldom play it.
That is why I like the bassoon best.
It is easy to teach anyone to
play the maracas. Just grip
the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can
be stretched over a frame to
make a pleasant sound once the
animal is removed.
Editors Note: Thanks, Craig.
I think his signature line is
worth sharing too:
I love deadlines.
I especially like the whooshing
sound they make as they go flying
by.
Here's hoping you all make your
deadlines. Keep smiling!
If you see someone without a
smile give them one of yours!
\\\//
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Subj: The
History of Music
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #300 on 5/15/99
In the beginning there was silence.
Then God whistled. He
whistled one whole note each
day for seven days, and thus
was the universe created, and
also the musical scale. When
God whistled, it wasn't the
way we whistle. It was a really
big, really loud, perfectly
toned whistle that moved at the
speed of light and created planets
and civilizations in the
wake of its vibrations.
And God listened after the seventh
note and heard that it was good.
And He said, "Damn, I like
that tune."
So he put on his headphones and
lay back and grooved on the
sounds and echoes of the universe
ringing with feedback from
the first solo. For millions
of eons, He grooved, until one
day He got up, took off the
headphones, and said, "This riff
is getting stale, and no one
is dancing." But that was
because He hadn't created anyone
yet, and realizing this, He
said, "Let there be Negroes
with funky souls who can shimmy
and sway to my sounds," and
there were.
But the Negroes just couldn't
get into the same old scale
over and over, so they said
to God, "Hey, give us some one-
four-five blues-type progressions
so we can get down," and
He did. And it was good.
And they jammed and danced and
sang naturally and with carefree
abandon for millions and
millions of years.
Some of the Negroes, however,
weren't into that scene.
They preferred to sit in the
shade reading books about math
and science and other boring
subjects while their brothers
danced and played and made love
in the sun. Because He
considered them indolent, God
took away their fine skin
color and made them into white
men.
As this peculiar sect of white
Negroes developed, they
gradually lost their ability
to dance and be free and
natural with their bodies and
they gave birth to withered,
colorless babies, many of whom
grew up to be accountants,
lawyers, real estate brokers,
and politicians, and then it
was 1950. God looked around
and saw He had to do something
before it was too late, so He
created "rock" music.
And the skinny, withered, colorless
babies of the accountants,
lawyers, real estate brokers,
and politicians of the fifties
plucked their guitars, banged
on their tambourines, and
wailed into the void and became
the superstars of the
eighties. And God saw what He
had created and put his
headphones back on and said,
"Fuck it."
\\\//
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Subj: Action
Stars Portray Famous Composers (S106, S398)
From: mbucher on 99-02-03
and
From: http://www.jokemonkey.com/celeb.htm
on 9/7/04
Steven Spielberg was discussing
his new project - an action
docudrama about famous composers
starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal,
Bruce Willis, and Arnold
Schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired
the box office oomph of these
superstars, so he was prepared
to allow them to select whatever
composers they would portray,
as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've
always admired Mozart. I would
love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite,
and my image would improve
if people saw me playing the
piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to
Strauss and his waltzes," said
Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with
these choices. "Sounds
splendid." Then, looking
at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do
you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says........
.....(scroll down).....
.....(keep scrolling).....
.....(wait for it)......
.....
(its a good one!).....
"I'll be Bach."
\\\//
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Subj: Tribute
To John Lennon (S98)
From: smiles on 98-12-08
Dedicated to the memory of John Lennon, who died Dec 8, 1980
First some sick jokes:
What would you find if you dug
up John Lennon?
-- Four slugs and
a dead Beatle.
What does a Photo-mat and Beatles
reunion concert have in
common? -- There's
no John.
What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono
have in common?
-- They both live
off dead beatles.
What would it take to re-unite
the Beatles?
-- Three more bullets.
And for those of you still here...
I really liked John
Lennon and can remember where
I was when I heard he died.
Take a moment and read some
of the real messages people
should remember John Lennon
for:
-- JOHN LENNON QUOTES AND SONGS --
"Life is what happens to you
when you are busy making other
plans" -- John Lennon
(Beautiful Boy)
"Those in the cheaper seats clap.
The rest of you rattle
your jewelry." -- John
Lennon, 1963 (Royal Variety Performance)
"If everyone demanded peace instead
of another television
set, then there'd be peace."
-- John Lennon
"If The Beatles or the 60's had
a message, it was 'Learn to
swim.' And once you've
learned - swim!" -- John Lennon
"Living is easy with your eyes closed..." -- John Lennon
"I believe in everything until
it's disproved. So I believe
in fairies, the myths, dragons.
It all exists, even if it's
in your mind. Who's to say that
dreams and nightmares aren't
as real as the here and now?
Reality leaves a lot to the
imagination." -- John
Lennon
"The pressures of being a parent
are equal to any pressure
on earth. To be a conscious
parent, and really look to that
little being's mental and physical
health is a responsibility
which most of us, including
me, avoid most of the time,
because it's too hard...
To put it loosely, the reason why
kids are crazy is because nobody
can face the responsibility
of bringing them up..."
-- John Lennon
"I'm going into an unknown future,
and where there's life
there's hope." -- Approx.
5 hours before he was killed
Imagine
Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...
Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
Written by: John Lennon
(c) Bag productions inc.
Editors Note:
"I leave you as
I found you -- only some time later."
-- John Lennon
Hmm, I can't stop now.
Here's something else of John
Lennon's that I have been known
to hum (and sing) this
time of year..
Merry Xmas (WAR IS OVER)
(Happy Xmas Kyoko
Happy Xmas Julian)
So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Xmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Xmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Xmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over, if you want it
War is over now
Happy Xmas
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance...
Written by: John Lennon
"On behalf of the group and myself,
I'd like to say thank you,
and I hope we passed the audition."
-- John Lennon
\\\//
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Subj: Mozart
Dies (S19, S386)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/10/2004
When Mozart passed away, he was
buried in a churchyard. A
couple days later, the town
drunk was walking through the
cemetery and heard some strange
noise coming from the area
where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and
got the priest to come and
listen to it. The priest
bent close to the grave and heard
some faint, unrecognizable music
coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and
got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived,
he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said,
"Ah, yes, that's Mozart's
Ninth Symphony, being played
backwards."
He listened a while longer, and
said, "There's the Eighth
Symphony, and it's backwards,
too. Most puzzling." So the
magistrate kept listening; "There's
the Seventh...the Sixth
...the Fifth..." Suddenly
the realization of what was
happening dawned on the magistrate;
he stood up and announced
to the crowd that had gathered
in the cemetery, "My fellow
citizens, there's nothing to
worry about. It's just Mozart
decomposing."
\\\//
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Subj: Music
Lovers Held Hostage
These 2 music lovers are held
hostage and both are going to
be shot. One is a country
music lover and the other is a
classical music lover.
Before they are shot they are asked
for one last request. So the
Country lover says 'I would
like to listen to Achy Breaky
Heart 50 times' and the
Classical lover says 'shoot
me first'.
Top
Subj: Two
Men Sentenced To Death (Second version)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-07
Two men, a musician and a dancer,
were sentenced to die in
the electric chair on the same
day. The formal speech had
been given by the warden and
the priest had given the last
rites. The warden, turning
to the dancer solemnly asked,
"Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied,
"Yes sir, I do. I love dance
music. Could you please play
the Macarena for me one last
time?" "Certainly," replied the
warden. He turned to the
musician and asked, "Well, what
about you son? What is
your final request?" "Please,"
pleaded the musician, "Kill
me first!"
\\\//
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Subj: Dead
Man With Cork In Butt (S237)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and
From: kmacinty on 8/13/2001
A student of proctology is in
the morgue one day after
classes, wanting to get a little
practice in before
the final exams. He goes
over to a table where a body
is lying face down. He uncovers
the body and, to his
surprise, he finds a cork in
the corpse's rectum.
Figuring that this is fairly
unusual, he pulls the cork
out and, to his absolute surprise,
music begins playing:
"On the road again...just can't
wait to get on the road
again..." The student is amazed,
and pops the cork back
into the anus. The music
stops.
Totally freaked out, the student
calls the Medical
Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this, this is
really something," the student
tells the examiner as he
pulls the cork back out again.
They hear: "On the road
again...just can't wait to get
on the road again..."
"So what?" the Medical Examiner
replies, obviously
unimpressed with the student's
discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing
thing you've ever seen?"
asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the
examiner, "Any asshole can
sing country music."
\\\//
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Subj: Beethoven's
Ninth (S33)
From: Funnies.com
A number of years ago, the Seattle
Symphony was doing
Beethoven's Ninth under the
baton of Milton Katims... At
this point, you must understand
two things:
(1) There's a long
segment in this symphony where the
bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single
note for page after page.
(2) There used
to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right
across the street from the Seattle Opera House,
rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during
this performance, after the
bass players had played their
parts in the opening of the
Ninth, they were to quietly
lay down their instruments and
leave the stage rather than
sit on their stools looking and
feeling dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage,
someone suggested that they
trot across the street and quaff
a few brews. After they
had downed the first couple
rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we
be getting back? It'd be awfully
embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who
suggested this excursion in
the first place, replied, "Oh,
I anticipated we could use a
little more time, so I tied
a string around the last pages
of the conductor's score.
When he gets down to there,
Milton's going to have to slow
the tempo way down while he
waves the baton with one hand
and fumbles with the string
with the other."
They had another round and finally
returned to the Opera
House, a little tipsy by now.
However, as they came back on
stage, one look at their conductor's
face told them they
were in serious trouble.
Katims was furious! And why not?
After all... It was the bottom
of the Ninth, the score was
tied, and the basses were loaded.
\\\//
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Subj: Schubert's
Unmanaged Symphony (S51)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #9 on 98-01-10
A managed healthcare company
president was given a ticket
for a performance of Schubert's
Unfinished Symphony. Since
she was unable to go, she gave
the ticket to one of her
managed care reviewers.
The next morning she asked him how
he had enjoyed it. Instead
of a few observations about the
symphony in general, she was
handed a formal memorandum
which read as follows:
1. For a considerable period,
the oboe players had nothing
to do. Their number should
be reduced, and their work
spread over the whole orchestra,
avoiding peaks of
inactivity.
2. All 12 violins were playing
identical notes. This seems
an unneeded duplication, and
the staff of this section
should be cut. If a volume of
sound is really required, this
could be accomplished with the
use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved in
playing the 16th notes. This
appears to be an excessive refinement,
and it is recommended
that all notes be rounded up
to the nearest 8th note. If
this were done it would be possible
to use para-professionals
instead of experienced musicians.
4. No useful purpose is served
by repeating with horns the
passage that has already been
handled by the strings. If all
such redundant passages were
eliminated then the concert
could be reduced from 2 hours
to twenty minutes.
5. The symphony had two movements.
If Mr. Schubert didn't
achieve his musical goals by
the end of the first movement,
then he should have stopped
there. The second movement is
unnecessary and should be cut.
In light of the above, one
can only conclude that had Mr.
Schubert given attention to
these matters, he probably would
have had time to finish
the symphony.
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Music Jokes (S205)
 |
Subj:
Play and Play More (S469)
by Dustball From: igiggle on 1/17/2006 |
| Subj:
Horny Guy (S459b)
From: darrell94590 on 11/8/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Paul
McCartney Tickets (S272)
From: jerry on 4/8/2002
David Demerchant, wanting to
buy four tickets to Paul
McCartney's concert, went to
ticketmasters.com, instead
of ticketmaster.com, bought
his four tickets and then
discovered, when the charge
came through, that there
was an extra $700 charge added
to the bill. Ironically
using ticketmasters.com sends
you off to a site called
"cheap tix." More like
"cheap tricks."
There is nothing that can be done about it.
There are many ticket scalper
sites that are out to
snare you. Be careful
buying tickets from the Internet.
Record-Eagle (Traverse City,
Michigan) 3-Apr-02
http://www.record-eagle.com/2002/apr/3tickts.htm
Top
Subj: Buying
The Wife A Piano (S269c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/26/2002
My parents recently retired.
Mom always wanted to learn
to play the piano, so dad bought
her a piano for her
birthday. A few weeks
later, I asked how she was doing
with it.
"Oh, we returned the piano."
said My Dad, "I persuaded
her to switch to a clarinet
instead."
"How come?" I asked.
"Well," he answered, "because
with a clarinet, she can't
sing."
Top
Subj: Britney
Spears And Candles (S269b)
From: jerry on 3/26/2002
Pop singer Britney Spears escaped
unharmed after starting
a fire in her New York apartment
when she went shopping,
leaving a candle unattended.
Her mother says she once put
the family bathroom on fire
in their Louisiana home when
she left a candle unattended.
Candles are one of the major causes of home fires.
UK Sun 31-Mark-02
Top
Subj: Britney
Spears Scares Wild Boars (S250b)
From: rodney on 10/23/2001
In Germany, farmers are using
Britney Spears music to scare
away wild boars. The pests
are protected by law, and cannot
be harmed, so the farmers have
discovered that the best way
to drive them away is with loud
music. Despite attempts to
use both music by Madonna and
Robbie Williams, farmers have
found that Britney Spears works
the best...
... doesn't Britany have a little pork belly?......
Top
Subj: An Ethical
Question (S119)
From: smiles on 5/14/99
If you knew a woman who was
pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who
were blind, one mentally retarded,
and she had syphilis; would
you recommend that she have an abortion?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
If you said yes, you just killed
Beethoven.
Top
Subj: Question
And Answers About Music (S203)
Q: What did the Terminator say
to Bethoven?
A: I'll Be Bach!
Q: What's brown and sits on a
piano?
A: Beethoven's Last Movement.
Q: Know what Beethoven is doing
today?
A: Decomposing.
Q: What would Mozart be doing
if he was alive today?
A: Probably screaming
and clawing at the inside
of his coffin.
From: pcartngraphics on 12/5/2004
(S411b)
Q: What is better than a roses
on my piano?
A: Tulips on my organ.
Q: What do you get when you drop
a piano down a mining shaft?
A: A flat minor
Q: What do you get when you drop
a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major
Q: How can you tell an oboist
is at your front door?
A: By the Domino's Pizza hat.
Q: What do a clarinet and a lawsuit
have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when
the case is closed.
Q: What's the difference between
a lawnmower
and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower,
and the owner's neighbors
are upset if you
borrow the lawnmower and don't
return it.
Q: If you were lost in the woods,
who would you trust for
directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune
tenor sax player,
or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune tenor sax
player!
The other two indicate
you've been hallucinating.
Q: How can you tell a trumpet
player's kids at a playground?
A: They don't know how to swing.
Q: How can you tell a trombonist's
kids at a playground?
A: They don't know how to use
the slide.
Q: How do you make a trombone
sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell
and miss lots of notes.
Q: What do you call a house occupied
by five hornists?
A: A crack house.
Q: Why did the string bass player
beat up the timpanist?
A: The timpanist turned two
of the bassist's pegs and
wouldn't tell her
which two....
Q: What's the difference between
a banjo and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic
range.
A2: You can tune a chain saw.
Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got
a good arm.
Q: What does a timpanist say
when he gets to his gig?
A: "Would you like fries with
that, sir?"
Q: Why are pianists' fingers
like lightening?
A: They rarely strike the
same spot twice.
Q: What do violists use for birth
control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the difference between
a cello and a viola?
A: The cello burns longer.
Q: What's the difference between
a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse
inside.
Q: What's the difference between
a soprano and the P.L.O.?
A: You can negotiate with the
P.L.O.
Q: What's the difference between
a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have
never been in a Porsche.
Q: What's the difference between
a Wagnerian soprano and
a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: What do you see when you look
up an alto's dress?
A: A tenor.
Q: How do you know if an alto
is at the front door?
A: She can't find her key.
Q: How do you get an alto into
a VW Bug?
A: Grease her hips and leave
a twinkie on the dash.
Q: What's black and brown and
looks good on a conductor?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What's the definition of a
gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to
play bagpipes, but doesn't.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when
they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's worse than a bagpiper?
A: Two bagpipers.
Q: What's the difference between
a lawnmower
and an accordion?
A: If you put them in Tradin'
Times, you can sell
the lawnmower.
Q: How do you know the guy knocking
on your door is
a accordionist?
A: He doesn't stop even after
you answer.
Q: How many Musician jokes are
there?
A: Just one! (All the
rest are true.)
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
Q: What's the difference between
an oboe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you
chop up an oboe.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 12/19/2000
Q: What's the definiton of Perfect
Pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo into
a dumpster and
it hits an accordion.
Q: How do you know when there's
a harmonica player
at the door?
A: He doesn't have the key,
he just comes in whenever
the hell he feels
like it.
Q: What do you call 1,695 violins
at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Drummer Q and A
Q: What do you call a drummer
that
breaks up with
his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What is the difference between
a drummer and
a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them
in before it sucks.
Q: What does the average drummer
get on an IQ test?
A: Drool.
Q: What's it mean when the drummer
drools
out of both sides
of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.
Q: Did you hear about the drummer
who
locked his keys
in the car?
A: It took him three hours to
get the bass player out!
Q: What do you call someone who
hangs out with musicians?
A: Drummer.
Q: Why do drummers keep a pair
of sticks on their dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicapped
spaces.
Q: How can you tell when there's
a drummer at the door?
A: He doesn't know when to come
in!
Q: Why do drummers have a half-ounce
more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves
in the parade.
Q: How many drummers does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: "Oh, like, wow! Is
it dark in here, man?"
Q: What do you get when you cross
a drummer with a musician?
A: A bass guitarist.
Q: How do you stop a drummer?
A: Give him/her sheet music.
Q: What's the difference between
a drummer
and government
bonds?
A: The bonds mature.
Q: How can you tell if a drum
solo is really really bad?
A: The bass player notices.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 12/19/2000
Q: What has three legs with
an ass on top?
A: A drum stool!
Beatle Q and A
Q: What do Yoko Ono and a family
of Ethiopians have
in common?
A: They both live on dead beatles!
Q: Why can't you take a leak
at a Beatles concert?
A: There's no John.
Q: What would it take to reunite
the Beatles?
A: Three more rounds.
Q: What would you find if you
dug up John Lennon?
A: Four slugs and a dead Beatle.
If you'd like the latest up-date,
e-mail "ah472@freenet.HSC.Colorado.edu"
Please e-mail
good additions. Xerox
to your heart's content. Version 2.0
31 August 1994
\\\//
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