(Includes 21 jokes and articles)
Clock from
USNO Master Clock
| Subj:
Physics1 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 21 jokes and articles) |
|
Clock from USNO Master Clock |
Also see ACCIDENTS1 - 'Tycho
Brahe's Death'
ASCII ART I - 'Portrait
Of Einstein'
CARSMURPHY - 'Murphy's
Laws Applied To Cars'
CARTOON file - 'Cartoon
Laws of Physics'
CAT1 file - 'Feline
Physics'
ENGINEERING1 - 'Students
Of Eng., Physics And Math In A Contest'
ENGINEERING3 - 'Basic
Electronics'
FACTS5 file - 'Time
Travel'
HEAVEN1 file - 'Einstein
Dies And Goes To Heaven'
HOW TO file - 'How
To Build An Atomic Bomb'
Ig Nobel file- 'Physics
Prize'
JOBS2 file - 'Three
Men Apply For CEO Job'
LAWS file - 'Variations
On Murphy's Law' in NonJokes
MATH2 file - 'The Flagpole'
......................-
'The Mathematician, And The
Physicist At A Fire'
......................-
'Mathematician, And
Physicist At A Burning House'
......................-
'Mathematician, Engineer,
And Physicist At A Fire'
......................-
'A Mathematician, Biologist
And Physicist Count'
MATH3 file - 'Equation
About Money, Work, And Knowledge'
MATH5 file - 'Quotations
by Albert Einstein'
NATIONAL_STS - 'Rolling
Blackout Theme Song!'
NATIVE-AMERIC- 'Edison Visits
An Indian Reservation'
PILOT file - 'Pilot
School On Sublimation'
QUOTES3 - 'Quotes
On The Nature Of The Universe'
SCIENCE1 - 'Conversion
Factors For the New Millenium'
......................-
'Murphy's Laws Of Research
'
STATISTICIAN - 'An
Engineer, A Physicist And A Statistician Answer'
THOUGHTS-Sly - 'Contest
of Theories'
PHYSICS1 contains things that are almost
jokes
PHYSICS2 contains sort of jokes
PHYSICS3 contains oddities and short
jokes
==============================================================Top
| Subj:
Attractors (S524c)
From: TheCleverest.com on 1/29/07 |
 |
Move and tilt the four objects
to alter the stream of balls.
You can experience this physics
experiment at the source
above, or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Mathematician,
Physicist And A Nude Woman
A mathematician and a physicist
agree to a psychological
experiment. The mathematician
is put in a chair in a large
empty room and a beautiful naked
woman is placed on a bed
at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains,
"You are to remain in your chair.
Every five minutes, I
will move your chair to a position
halfway between its
current location and the woman
on the bed." The mathe-
matician looks at the psychologist
in disgust. "What?
I'm not going to go through
this. You know I'll never
reach the bed!" And he
gets up and storms out. The
psychologist makes a note on
his clipboard and ushers the
physicist in. He explains
the situation, and the physicist's
eyes light up and he starts
drooling. The psychologist is
a bit confused. "Don't
you realize that you'll never reach
her?" The physicist smiles
and replied, "Of course! But
I'll get close enough for all
practical purposes!"
\\\//
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Subj: Prof.
And Mrs. Einstein Visit An Observatory (DU)
Compiled by Max Weinstein on 11/14/94
It seems Professor and Mrs Einstein
were being taken on a
tour of one of the big astronomical
observatories. Mrs.
Einstein was curious about the
variety of telescopes
around the place and asked what
they were for. The tour
guide explained "We need those
in order to establish the
nature of the universe."
Unimpressed, Mrs. Einstein replied,
"Oh, my husband just
uses the back of an old envelope."
\\\//
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Subj: Crazed
Physics Test (DU)
From: rc5x+
1] A shotgun shooting 12
pellets of 00 Buckshot weighing
4g leave the barrel at 1125
fps. Assuming the average
infant will absorb 127.3 f/lbs
before disintegrating, how
many babies will the average
blast cut through (rounding
off to the nearest whole number)?
eight.
2] A 100 kg man is being
swung by his entrails in a circle
16'in radius at the rate of
1600 radians/sec. Find the
tension in the man's entrails
(ignoring the effects of
gravity).
65,024 Newtons.
3] A pagan priest attempts
to vaporize a young virgin by
placing her in a flaming pit.
Assuming the woman, weighing
120 lbs, is completely composed
of water, how much energy
will he have to use to completely
vaporize her?
130,000
BTU
4] An infant has a tensile
strength of 400 psi and has a
cross sectional area of 23.4
sq. inches. Assuming it is
23" long and has an elongation
percentage of .0036%/120psi
at room temperature, how long
will the baby be before it
is dismembered?
about 26.45
inches.
5] A 12 year old blind
orphan girl is shot from a cannon
at the speed of 1200 fps at
a solid brick wall. Calculate
the force of impact given that
the brick wall is 3 feet
away from the barrel.
if she weighs 50
lbs, and all of her sticks to the wall,
3.3 million Newtons.
6] A large plane weighing
12.7 M tons carrying 12 tons
of nuns and orphans travelling
at 724.46 kph and at an
altitude of 40,000 meters suffers
explosive decompression
above the center of a 30km diameter
population. Assuming
that one passenger is sucked
out every second, how many
passengers will land within
the population center?
about (give or
take a torso or leg) 12.
7] A 1000 lb car is moving
at 130 mph and two poodles
whose combined weight is 82
lbs are thrown out the back
at 3 mph. Calculate the
velocity of the car.
140.91 happy mph.
8] Farmer Brown is selling
apples for 12 cents a dozen
in a room where a torch has
a brightness of 120 candela
is 12 ft from a 14.36 sq meter
surface. Assuming a
light bulb 17.3 cubits from
the surface has a brightness
of 129 candlepower and gives
off heat of 1.27 BTU and
the room is 423 degrees Kelvin;
assuming the pressure
in the room is 1100 millibar;
assuming the lightbulb is
rotating at 4 pi radians per
half minute, with the power
source of the bulb a battery
giving off energy at a rate
of 12000000 terrajoules per
exasecond; assuming the
coefficient of friction at the
base of the rotating
lightbulb is 1.679 E9; assuming
the room is being launched
at 50 times escape velocity;
assuming it collides with the
moon in a perfectly elastic
collision, when the room
returns to the earth 6 days
4 hours 20 minutes 35 seconds
and 12 nanoseconds later, how
much does Farmer Brown sell
one apple for?
still one cent,
but all thats left is well-done applesaus.
\\\//
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Subj: Dark
Suckers (DU)
From: Cypriot on 3/15/2002
For years it has been believed
that electric light bulbs
emitted light. However,
recent information has proven
otherwise. Electric light
bulbs do not emit light, they
suck dark. Thus we call
these bulbs dark suckers.
The dark sucker theory proves
the existence of dark, that
dark has a mass heavier than
light and that dark is
faster than light. The
basis of the dark sucker theory
is that electric light bulbs
suck dark. Take for example,
the dark suckers in the room
where you are. There is much
less dark right next to them
than there is elsewhere. The
larger the dark sucker, the
greater its capacity to suck
dark. Dark suckers in
a parking lot have a much greater
capacity than the ones in this
room.
As with all things, dark suckers
don't last forever. Once
they are full of dark, they
can no longer suck. This is
proven by the black spot on
a full dark sucker.
A candle is a primitive dark
sucker. A new candle has a
white wick. You will notice
that after the first use,
the wick turns black, representing
all of the dark that
has been sucked into it.
If you hold a pencil next to
the wick of an operating candle,
the tip will turn black
because it got in the way of
the dark flowing into the
candle. Unfortunately,
these primitive dark suckers have
a very limited range.
There are also portable dark
suckers. The bulbs in these
can't handle all of the dark
by themselves, and must be
aided by a dark storage unit.
When the dark storage unit
is full, it must either be emptied
or replaced before the
portable dark sucker can operate
again.
Dark has mass. When dark
goes into a dark sucker,
friction from this mass generates
heat. Thus it is not
wise to touch an operating dark
sucker. Candles present
a special problem, as the dark
must travel into a solid
wick instead of through clear
glass. This generates a
great amount of heat.
Thus it can be very dangerous to
touch an operating candle.
Dark is also heavier than light.
If you swim just below
the surface of a lake, you see
a lot of light. If you
slowly swim deeper and deeper,
you notice it getting
slowly darker and darker.
When you reach a depth of
approximately fifty feet, you
are in total darkness.
This is because the heavier
dark sinks to the bottom of
the lake and the lighter light
floats to the top.
The immense power of dark can
be utilized to man's
advantage. We can collect
the dark that has settled to
the bottom of the lake and push
it through turbines,
which generate electricity and
help push the dark to
the ocean, where it may be safely
stored.
Finally, we must prove that dark
is faster than light.
If you were to stand in a lit
room in front of a closed,
dark closet, and slowly opened
the closet door, you
would see the light slowly enter
the closet. But since
dark is so fast, you would not
be able to see the dark
leave the closet.
So next time you see an electric
bulb, remember that it
is not a light emitter but a
Dark Sucker
\\\//
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Subj: Heavy
Boots (DU)
From: sirius
About 6-7 years ago, I was in
a philosophy class at the
University of Wisconsin, Madison
(good science/engineering
school) and the teaching assistant
was explaining Descartes.
He was trying to show how things
don't always happen the
way we think they will and explained
that, while a pen
always falls when you drop it
on Earth, it would just float
away if you let go of it on
the Moon.
My jaw dropped a little.
I blurted "What?!" Looking around
the room, I saw that only my
friend Mark and one other
student looked confused by the
TA's statement. The other
17 people just looked at me
like "What's your problem?"
"But a pen would fall if you
dropped it on the Moon, just
more slowly." I
protested.
"No it wouldn't." the TA explained
calmly, "because you're
too far away from the Earth's
gravity."
Think. Think. Aha! "You
saw the APOLLO astronauts walking
around on the Moon, didn't you?"
I countered, "why didn't
they float away?"
"Because they were wearing heavy
boots." he responded, as
if this made perfect sense (remember,
this is a Philosophy
TA who's had plenty of logic
classes).
By then I realized that we were
each living in totally
different worlds, and did not
speak each others language,
so I gave up. As we left
the room, my friend Mark was
raging. "My God!
How can all those people be so stupid?"
I tried to be understanding.
"Mark, they knew this stuff
at one time, but it's not part
of their basic view of the
world, so they've forgotten
it. Most people could probably
make the same mistake."
To prove my point, we went back
to our dorm room and began
randomly selecting names from
the campus phone book. We
called about 30 people and asked
each this question:
1. If you're standing on the
Moon holding a pen, and you
let go, will it a) float away,
b) float where it is, or
c) fall to the ground?
About 47 percent got this question
correct. Of the ones
who got it wrong, we asked the
obvious follow-up question:
2. You've seen films of the APOLLO
astronauts walking
around on the Moon, why didn't
they fall off?
About 20 percent of the people
changed their answer to
the first question when they
heard this one! But the
most amazing part was that about
half of them confidently
answered, "Because they were
wearing heavy boots."
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Subj: The
Sex Life of An Electron I (with unhappy ending) (S586c)
One night when his charge was
at full capacity, Micro
Farad decided to get a cute
little coil to discharge him.
He picked up Millie Amp and
took her for a ride on his
megacycle. They rode across
the wheat stone bridge,
around the sine wave, and into
the magnetic field next
to the flowing current.
Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's
characteristic curve,
soon had her field fully excited.
He laid her on the
ground potential, raised her
frequency, lowered her
resistance, and pulled out his
high voltage probe. He
inserted it in parallel and
began to short circuit her
shunt. Fully excited,
Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give
me mho". With his tube
at maximum output and her coil
vibrating from the current flow,
her shunt soon reached
maximum heat. The excessive
current had shorted her
shunt, and Micro's capacity
was rapidly discharged, and
every electron was drained off.
They fluxed all night,
tried various connections and
hookings until his bar
magnet had lost all of its strength,
and he could no
longer generate enough voltage
to sustain his collapsing
field. With his battery
fully discharged, Micro was
unable to excite his tickler,
so they ended up reversing
polarity and blowing each other's
fuses.
\\\//
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Subj: The
Sex Life Of An Electron II
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
Micro was a real-time operator
and a dedicated multi-user.
His broadband protocol made
it easy for him to interface
with numerous input/output devices,
even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just
as the Sun was crashing,
and had parked his Motorola
68000 in the main drive (he
had missed the 5100 bus that
morning), when he noticed an
elegant piece of liveware admiring
the daisy wheels in his
garden. He though to himself,
"She looks user-friendly.
I'll see if she'd like an update
tonight."
He browsed over to her casually,
admiring the power of her
twin 32 bit floating point processors,
and inquired, "How
are you, Honeywell?"
"Yes, I am well", she responded,
batting her optical fibers
engagingly and smoothing her
console over her curvilinear
functions.
Micro settled for a straight
line approximation. "I'm
stand-alone tonight", he said.
"How about computing a
vector to my base address?
I'll output a byte to eat
and maybe we could get offset
later on."
Mini ran a priority process for
2.6 milliseconds, then
transmitted 8K, "I've been recently
dumped myself and a
new page is just what I need
to refresh my disk packs.
I'll park my machine cycle in
your background and meet
you inside." She walked
off, leaving Micro admiring her
solenoids and thinking, "Wow,
what a global variable! I
wonder if she'd like my firmware?"
They sat down at the process
table to a top of form feed
of fiche and chips and a bottle
of Baudot. Mini was in
conversational mode and expanded
on ambiguous arguments
while Micro gave occasional
acknowledgements although,
in reality, he was analyzing
the shortest and least
critical path to her entry point.
He finally settled on
the old line, "Would you like
to see my benchmark
subroutine?", but Mini was again
one clock tick ahead.
Suddenly, she was up and stripping
off her parity bits
to reveal the full functionality
of her operating system.
"Let's get BASIC, you RAM" she
said. Micro was loaded
by this stage, but his hardware
policing module had a
processor of its own and was
in danger of overflowing
its output buffer, a hang-up
that Micro had consulted
his analyst about. "Core",
was all he could say, as she
prepared to log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however,
when she went down on the
DEC and opened her device files
to reveal her data set
ready. He accessed his
fully packed root device and was
about to start pushing into
her CPU stack, when she
attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!" she cried. "You're not shielded!"
"Reset, baby", he replied. "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current
loop enabled, and I can't
support child processes", she
protested.
"Don't run away", he said. "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No!" she squealed. "That's
too error prone and I can't
abort because of my design philosophy."
But Micro was locked in by this
stage and could not be
turned off. Mini stopped
his thrashing by introducing
a voltage spike into his main
supply, whereupon he fell
over with a head crash and went
to sleep.
"Computers!" she thought as she
compiled herself. "All
they ever think of is hex!"
\\\//
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Subj: Falling
Theomometer Experiment (DU)
Ivan Ivanovich, great Russian
Scientist does an experiment.
He wants to know how fast a
thermometer falls down. He
takes a thermometer and a light,
a candle light. He drops
both from the 3rd floor and
recognices that they are
reaching the ground at the same
time. Ivan Ivanovich,
great russian scientific writes
in his book: A theomometer
falls with the speed of light.
\\\//
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Subj: Antigravity:
The Feline Butterology Theory (S24)
From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97
(See 'Contest
of Theories' in THOUGHTS-SILLY)
This question was posed to the
Usenet Oracle:
If you drop a buttered piece
of bread, it will fall on the
floor butter-side down.
If a cat is dropped from a window
or other high and towering place,
it will land on its feet.
What if you attach a buttered
piece of bread, butter-side
up to a cat's back and toss
them both out the window? Will
the cat land on its feet?
Or will the butter splat on the
ground?
In response, thus spake the Oracle:
Even if you are too lazy to
do the experiment yourself you
should be able to deduce the
obvious result. The laws of
butterology demand that the
butter must hit the ground,
and the equally strict laws
of feline aerodynamics
demand that the cat can not
smash its furry back. If the
combined construct were to land,
nature would have no way
to resolve this paradox. Therefore
it simply does not fall.
That's right, you clever mortal
(well, as clever as a mortal
can get), you have discovered
the secret of antigravity!
A buttered cat will, when released,
quickly move to a height
where the forces of cat-twisting
and butter repulsion are in
equilibrium. This equilibrium
point can be modified by
scraping off some of the butter,
providing lift, or removing
some of the cat's limbs, allowing
descent.
Most of the civilized species
of the Universe already use
this principle to drive their
ships while within a planetary
system. The loud humming
heard by most sighters of UFOs is,
in fact, the purring of several
hundred tabbies. The one
obvious danger is, of course,
if the cats manage to eat the
bread off their backs they will
instantly plummet. Of course
the cats will land on their
feet, but this usually doesn't
do them much good, since right
after they make their graceful
landing several tons of red-hot
starship and cheesed-off
aliens crash on top of them.
\\\//
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Subj: Einstein's
Cows (DU)
From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97
E=MC
(Everything equals Milking Cows)
Albert Einstein, that brilliant
human and cow lover knew
all about us. He chose
not to release his greatest theory
to the general public for fear
of ridicule. This being
his "Theory of Lactation."
The manuscript, "Al's Cow and
The Milky Way" was recently
uncovered and it is here that
he explains, in human terms,
what cows have known forever.
The "Theory of Lactation"
states that the universe originated
from a Giant Udder
(hereafter referred to as the
GU), which creates galaxies
from a single teat drop.
This udder, spanning millions of
light years in space and time,
created our Milky Way and
is creating galaxies galore
with each liquid drop of its
udder. The physical base
substance of all life and matter
is milk! The GU chews
on the great emptiness of space in
order to lactate and create
life as we know it. This udder
is getting bigger everyday folks
and Einstein predicted
that eventually it will fill
ALL SPACE. So as you can see
our good cowbuddy Einstein may
be dead but he was full of
it. Full of the cow knowledge.
From an article by David R. Wyder.
\\\//
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Subj: A Call For More Scientific Truth
In Product Warning Labels (33)
From:
OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97
As scientists and concerned citizens,
we applaud the recent
trend towards legislation that
requires the prominent
placing of warnings on products
that present hazards to the
general public. Yet we must
also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings,
however well-intentioned,
merely scratch the surface of
what is really necessary in
this important area. This
is especially true in light of
the findings of 20th century
physics. We are therefore
proposing that, as responsible
scientists, we join together
in an intensive push for new
laws that will mandate the
conspicuous placement of suitably
informative warnings on
the packaging of every product
offered for sale in the
United States of America. Our
suggested list of warnings
appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps
Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts
Every Other Piece of Matter
in the Universe,
including the Products of Other
Manufacturers,
with a Force Proportional to the Product
of the Masses and
Inversely Proportional to the Distance
between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product
Contains the Energy
Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce
of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This
Product Contains Minute
Electrically Charged
Particles Moving at Velocities
in Excess of Five
Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of
the "Uncertainty Principle,"
It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the
Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and
How Fast It Is
Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely
Small but Nonzero Chance
That, Through a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This
Product May Spontaneously
Disappear from Its Present
Location and Reappear
at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including
Your Neighbor's Domicile. The
Manufacturer Will
Not Be Responsible for Any Damages
or Inconvenience
That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE:
According to Certain
Suggested Versions
of the Grand Unified Theory, the
Primary Particles
Constituting this Product May Decay
to Nothingness
Within the Next Four Hundred Million
Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT:
In the Unlikely Event
That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in
Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY
LAW: Any Use of This Product,
in Any Manner Whatsoever,
Will Increase the Amount of
Disorder in the
Universe. Although No Liability Is
Implied Herein,
the Consumer Is Warned That This
Process Will Ultimately
Lead to the Heat Death of
the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles
in This Product
Are Held Together
by a "Gluing" Force About Which
Little is Currently
Known and Whose Adhesive
Power Can Therefore
Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other
Listing of Product Contents
Found Hereon, the
Consumer is Advised That, in
Actuality, This
Product Consists Of 99.9999999999%
Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER:
The Manufacturer
May Technically
Be Entitled to Claim That This Product
Is Ten- Dimensional.
However, the Consumer Is Reminded
That This Confers
No Legal Rights Above and Beyond
Those Applicable
to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since
the Seven New Dimensions
Are "Rolled Up" into Such a
Small "Area" That
They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics
Theories Suggest That
When the Consumer
Is Not Directly Observing This Product,
It May Cease to
Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and
Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE:
The Subatomic Particles
(Electrons, Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are
Exactly the Same
in Every Measurable Respect as Those
Used in the Products
of Other Manufacturers, and No
Claim to the Contrary
May Legitimately Be Expressed
or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should
Be Taken When Lifting This
Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is
Dependent on Its
Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS:
The Entire Physical
Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse
Back into an Infinitesimally
Small Space. Should
Another Universe
Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence
of This Product
in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
(The above is from Volume 36,
Number 1 of The Journal of
Irreproducible Results.
Copyright 1991
Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
3 Cambridge Center,
Cambridge MA 02141
Individual US Subscriptions
$12.00
Reproduced without
permission.)
\\\//
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Subj: Physics
Saves Lives! (S150, S586b)
From: Internet Humor Archive source: Prabhu M. Arumugam
and
From: FrankRoesch on 12/13/1999
As a premed student at Washington
University in St. Louis,
I had to take a difficult class
in physics. One day our
professor was discussing a particularly
complicated concept.
A student rudely interrupted
to ask "Why do we have to learn
this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor
responded quickly and continued
the lecture. A few minutes
later, the same student spoke up
again. "So how does physics
save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out
of medical school," replied the
professor.
\\\//
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| Subj:
Blacksmith's Riddle (S558b)
From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 9/28/2007 Drawing
from Flickr.com...
|
 |
A blacksmith wishes to cool his
hot piece of steel as
rapidly as possible. He
has a bucket of ice-water and
a bucket of oil (at room temperature).
Which bucket
should he dump his steel into?
The solution can be found at the source above.
\\\//
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 |
Bubbles experiment from
Smiley_Central |