Subj: Physics2 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 16 jokes and articles)
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Subj: Physics2 Jokes (Gz) (Includes 16 jokes and articles) |
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Moving Fire from AGAG Animation Gallery |
PHYSICS1 contains things that are almost
jokes
PHYSICS2 contains sort of jokes
PHYSICS3 contains oddities and short
jokes
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| Subj:
Magic Pen (S590)
From: gayleheckman on 4/30/2008 Drawing
from
BubbleBox.com...
|
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Way back in 1687 Sir Isaac Newton
wrote down his famous three
laws of motion. Now, centuries
later, these three basic rules
have finally found their use.
You are presented a hands-on
experience seeing these basic laws
of physics being applied to
the shape you have just drawn. You
can combine object with pins
and hinges to create machines that
come to life as they are affected
by gravity. Make clever use
of their momentum to reach your
goal.
 |
Try to beat all 26 challenging
levels at the above
source. There is a Video Walkthroughs if you need help. This is a wonderful, educational game. |
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Subj: Finding
Height With A Barometer (S173, S588c)
From: collins2 on 5/20/00
The following concerns a question
in a physics degree exam
at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine
the height of a skyscraper with
a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string
to the neck of the barometer,
then lower the barometer from
the roof of the skyscraper to
the ground. The length
of the string plus the length of the
barometer will equal the height
of the building."
This highly original answer so
incensed the examiner that
the student was failed immediately.
The student appealed on
the grounds that his answer
was indisputably correct, and
the university appointed an
independent arbiter to decide
the case. The arbiter
judged that the answer was indeed
correct, but did not display
any noticeable knowledge of
physics. To resolve the
problem it was decided to call the
student in and allow him six
minutes in which to provide a
verbal answer which showed at
least a minimal familiarity
with the basic principles of
physics.
For five minutes the student
sat in silence, forehead
creased in thought. The
arbiter reminded him that time was
running out, to which the student
replied that he had
several extremely relevant answers,
but couldn't make up
his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the
student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the
barometer up to the roof of
the skyscraper, drop it over
the edge, and measure the
time it takes to reach the ground.
The height of the
building can then be worked
out from the formula
H = 0.5g x t squared.
But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you
could measure the height
of the barometer, then set it
on end and measure the
length of its shadow.
Then you measure the length of
the skyscraper's shadow, and
thereafter it is a simple
matter of proportional arithmetic
to work out the height
of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly
scientific about it, you
could tie a short piece of string
to the barometer and
swing it like a pendulum, first
at ground level and then
on the roof of the skyscraper.
The height is worked out
by the difference in the gravitational
restoring force
T = 2 pi sqr root (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an
outside emergency staircase,
it would be easier to walk up
it and mark off the height
of the skyscraper in barometer
lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring
and orthodox about it,
of course, you could use the
barometer to measure the air
pressure on the roof of the
skyscraper and on the ground,
and convert the difference in
millibars into feet to give
the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly
being exhorted to exercise
independence of mind and apply
scientific methods,
undoubtedly the best way would
be to knock on the
janitor's door and say to him
'If you would like a nice
new barometer, I will give you
this one if you tell me
the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the
only Dane to win the
Nobel prize for Physics.
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Subj: Einstein
Stories
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
(Also see 'Quotations
by Albert Einstein' in MATH4)
A group of nuclear physicists
gathered in Las Vegas for an
important symposium. During
their free time they congregated
in casinos and it soon became
evident that Dr. Einstein was
spending all his time at the
blackjack tables. "Einstein is
gambling as if there is no tomorrow,
" remarked one of the
scientists. "What bothers me,"
another said worriedly, "is
that he might know something."
Some years ago Einstein and Chaim
Weizmann sailed to America
together. When they arrived
for a convention Dr. Weizmann
was asked how they spent their
time together. "Throughout
the voyage, the professor kept
talking to me about his
theory of relativity."
"And what is your opinion about it?"
"It seems to me," concluded
Weizmann, "that Professor
Einstein understands it very
well."
Professor Higgin to Einstein,
"Good morning, sir. How are
you?" Professor Einstein,
"Relative to what?"
Professor Higgin to Einstein,
"What's wrong, sir. You look
down." Professor Einstein,
"My wife just doesn't understand
me."
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when
he was nine.
His parents
thought he might be retarded.
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Subj: Einstein's
Chauffeur (S240, S528b)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
and
From: Joke-of-the-Day@mail.com on 3/7/2007
When Albert Einstein was making
the rounds of the speaker's
circuit, he usually found himself
eagerly longing to get
back to his laboratory work.
One night as they were driving
to yet another rubber-chicken
dinner, Einstein mentioned to
his chauffeur (a man who somewhat
resembled Einstein in
looks & manner) that he
was tired of speechmaking.
"I have and idea, boss," his
chauffeur said. "I've heard you
give this speech so many times.
I'll bet I could give it for
you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner,
Einstein donned the
chauffeur's cap and jacket and
sat in the back of the room.
The chauffeur gave a beautiful
rendition of Einstein's
speech and even answered a few
questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor
ask an extremely esoteric
question about anti-matter formation,
digressing here and
there to let everyone in the
audience know that he was
nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur
fixed the professor
with a steely stare and said,
"Sir, the answer to that
question is so simple that I
will let my chauffeur, who is
sitting in the back, answer
it for me."
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Subj: Another
of Einstein's Theories (S585)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/4/2008
Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 128 if he
were alive today. Few people
remember that the Nobel
Prize winner married his cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after
his first marriage dissolved
in 1919. At the time he
stated that he was attracted
to Elsa because she was so
well endowed. He postulated
that if you are attracted
to women with large breasts,
the attraction is even
stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be
know as.......
Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'
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Subj: Quantum
Physics (DU)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98
(This just materialized on my
desk one day. It's in my
handwriting, so I must have
written it, though I'll deny
it if I'm indicted. -AA)
The topic for today is quantum
physics. Quantum physics
was developed in the 1930's,
as a result of a bet between
Albert Einstein and Niels Bohr,
to see who could come up
with the most ridiculous theory
and still have it published.
Most people agree that Bohr
won hands down, although
Einstein did very well in the
swimsuit competition.
One of the most important researchers
in quantum physics
is Werner Heisenberg, a man
with a wonderful sense of humor,
who was always cracking one-liners,
like "delta-p times
delta-x is less than h!" Ha!
ha! What a card! This is
known as Heisenberg's Uncertainty
Principle, which is
closely related to Goedel's
Incompleteness Theorem, which
says that some things are true,
but you can't prove them,
like when my wife and I argue
over whether it's her turn
to take out the garbage or not.
What Heisenberg's Uncertainty
Principle says is that if
something is small enough, you
can't say anything about
it. Anyone with the I.Q.
of baking powder immediately
understood that this means that
if you look at something
so small that you can't even
*see* it, like my dog, Oscar
Wilde's, brain, then you obviously
can't tell, say, what
color it is.
But some people didn't get the
joke, and decided to
investigate this principle further.
They would gather
and sit around all day, drinking
beer and performing
"Gedankesexperimenten," or "Thank
God we're theoretical
physicists so we don't have
to get our hands dirty with
particle accelerators and other
heavy machinery." The
most famous of these is Schroedinger's
Cat, where several
physicists kidnap Erwin Schroedinger's
cat Fluffy and
lock it up in a box, along with
a radioactive source
such as Cheez Doodles.
Then they walk around with
concerned expressions on their
faces, commenting about
how they don't know what's going
on inside the box.
This goes on until the cleaning
lady discovers the box,
opens it and tells the physicists
whether the cat is
dead, or whether it has mutated
into a man-eating flea
the size of Norway.
The point of this experiment
is to show that uncertainty
at the quantum level can be
detected in the macroscopic
world and produce widespread
anxiety and paranoia. It
also explains why paper clips
just lie there while you
look at them, but as soon as
you turn your back, they
run away, giggling wildly, and
transform themselves into
coat hangers.
Another famous researcher is
Richard Feynman, who
invented Feynman diagrams, which
are bunches of squiggly
lines with greek letters next
to them. The way they
were discovered was, one day,
Hans Bethe came in to
Feynman's office to say that
some of the guys down in
particle research were having
a jam session down by the
cyclotron, and would Richard
like to come over and bring
his bongos? Feynman was
out, at the time, cracking a
safe or something, so Bethe
tried to leave him a note.
On the desk, he found one of
Feynman's daughter's
kindergarten drawings.
Bethe couldn't make head or tail
of it, and figured that if even
he couldn't understand
it, then it must be something
Terribly Clever, and
promptly called it a Feynman
diagram.
This was a major scientific breakthrough,
and ever since,
proud parents have been hanging
their children's Feynman
diagrams on refrigerators with
little muon-shaped magnets,
confident that their Little
Darlings are developing
important scientific theories
every day, because they are,
after all, Gifted Children.
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| Subj:
The Museum of Unworkable Devices (S458b)
From: igiggle on 11/3/2005 Source: http://www.lhup.edu/%7Edsimanek/museum/physgal.htm People who enjoy math, physics,
and engineering
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Subj: The
Science Of Shoes (DU)
From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97
Oh, wise all-knowing Oracle! Tell me.:
Why can I only take very small
steps, when I have bought a
pair of shoes?
Truly, your question touches
upon the deepest mysteries of
the nature of the physical universe.
The process of shoe generation,
like many events in physics,
has about it a certain symmetry.
Just as a passing gamma
ray sometimes produces an electron
and an anti-electron,
the colossal cosmic energies
which lead to shoe creation
precipitate the formation of
both a shoe and an anti-shoe.
This fact explains why shoes
nearly always occur in pairs,
and why the two shoes in a pair
are mirror images of each
other.
Most pairs of shoes, once produced,
quickly come together
and annihilate in a burst of
radiation. Indeed, in the
early universe, shoes rarely
if ever existed for more than
a fraction of a second (which
is why artists typically
portray Adam and Eve as going
barefoot). However, as the
great physicist George Reebok
suggested in the mid-1970's,
shoe production occasionally
occurred very near to the
event horizon of a black hole.
In these cases, one shoe
would be sucked into the hole,
while the other shoe would
be spun out of the vicinity,
to be thrown willy-nilly
across the voids of space.
These unmatched "cosmic shoes"
sometimes enter the planet's
atmosphere and fall to earth,
where they are often seen on
the sides of highways.
Although shoes have stabilized
somewhat due to the cooling
of the universe, there is still
a strong attractive force
between a shoe and its anti-shoe.
This force is mediated
by a spin-1 particle known as
a futon (an English corruption
of the original German "fuSSon").
Futon exchange is readily
observed among the bins of shoes
found at K-Mart, which
contain the raw by-products
of high-energy boot collisions.
The force impeding your steps
is due to the exchange of
futons between the shoe and
its anti-shoe. The exchange
usually manifests itself as
a stream of white plastic-like
particles. The solution
to your problem is to increase
the potential energy between
the shoes by pulling them
apart; this will reduce the
attraction and make walking
easier. Since you must
add a complete quantum of energy
before the futon exchange slackens,
do not be surprised if
the shoes resist strongly, then
"snap apart" all at once.
The manufacturers of more expensive
shoes usually provide
the necessary increase in potential
energy before shipping.
However, the Oracle has it on
good authority that a few
discount shoe manufacturers
are instead breaking the shoe
/anti-shoe symmetry by a dastardly
and highly secretive
method. When a pair of
socks is raised to high energies
(e.g. by being heated and tossed
in the dryer), it is
fairly easy to destroy one of
the socks entirely; the
energy released by breaking
the sock-symmetry is enough
to separate several shoe pairs.
Hence, certain companies
are quietly destroying socks
in the world's dryers in
order to support their shoe
separation facilities. The
result is a lot of missing socks
and terrible
consternation among sock owners,
all for a few cents'
reduction in the price of shoes.
The Oracle is frankly
disgusted.
We hope that our explanation
has clarified your problem.
You owe the Oracle a pair of
Doc Martens - size 10D, please.
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Subj: Schrödinger's
Cat (DU)
From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97
Apologies to Bill Clinton
Schrödinger's cat's a mystery
cat, he illustrates the laws;
The complicated things he does
have no apparent cause;
He baffles the determinist,
and drives him to despair
For when they try to pin him
down--the quantum cat's not there!
Schrödinger's cat's a mystery
cat, he's given to random decisions;
His mass is slightly altered
by a cloud of virtual kittens;
The vacuum fluctuations print
his traces in the air
But if you try to find him,
the quantum cat's not there!
Schrödinger's cat's a mystery
cat, he's very small and light,
And if you try to pen him in,
he tunnels out of sight;
So when the cruel scientist
confined him in a box
With poison-capsules, triggered
by bizarre atomic clocks,
He wasn't alive, he wasn't dead,
or half of each; I swear
That when they fixed his eigenstate--he
simply wasn't there!
More on Schrödinger's cat:
In the US there exists syndicated
newspaper column called
"The Straight Dope", where 'Uncle'
Cecil Adams answers
questions on all manner of questions,
of an ilk with
alt.folklore.urban for those
familiar with that bastion of
legend smashing. He published
this explanation of Schrödinger's
cat a few years ago ....
Question:
Cecil, you're my final hope
Of finding out the true Straight
Dope
For I have been reading of Schrödinger's
cat
But none of my cats are at all
like that.
This unusual animal (so it is
said)
Is simultaneously live and dead!
What I don't understand is just
why he
Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
My future now hangs in between
eigenstates.
In one I'm enlightened, the
other I ain't.
If you understand, Cecil, then
show me the way
And rescue my psyche from quantum
decay.
But if this queer thing has
perplexed even you,
then I will and won't see you
in Schrödingers's zoo.
Answer:
Schrödinger, Erwin! Professor
of physics!
Wrote daring equations! Confounded
his critics!
(Not bad, eh? Don't worry. This
part of the verse
Starts off pretty good, but
it gets a lot worse.)
Win saw that the theory that
Newton'd invented
By Einstein's discov'ries had
been badly dented.
What now? wailed his colleagues.
Said Erwin, "Don't panic,
No grease monkey I, but a quantum
mechanic.
Consider electrons. Now, these
teeny articles
Are sometimes like waves, and
then sometimes like particles.
If that's not confusing, the
nuclear dance
Of electrons and suchlike is
governed by chance!
No sweat, though - my theory
permits us to judge
Where some of 'em is and the
rest of 'em was."
Not everyone bought this. It
threatened to wreck
The comforting linkage of cause
and effect.
E'en Einstein had doubts, and
so Schrödinger tried
To tell him what quantum mechanics
implied.
Said Win to Al, "Brother, suppose
we've a cat,
And inside a tube we have put
that cat at -
Along with a solitaire deck
and some Fritos,
A bottle of Night Train, a couple
mosquitoes
(Or something else rhyming)
and, oh, if you got 'em,
One vial prussic acid, one decaying
ottom
Or atom - whatever - but when
it emits,
A trigger device blasts the
vial into bits
Which snuffs our poor kitty.
The odds of this crime
Are 50 to 50 per hour each time.
The cylinder's sealed. The hour's
passed away. Is
Our pussy still purring - or
pushing up daisies?
Now, *you'd* say the cat either
lives or it don't
But quantum mechanics is stubborn
and won't.
Statistically speaking, the
cat (goes the joke),
Is half a cat breathing and
half a cat croaked.
To some this may seem a ridiculous
split,
But quantum mechanics must answer,
'Tough s**t.
We may not know much, but one
thing's fo sho':
There's things in the cosmos
that we cannot know.
Shine light on electrons - you'll
cause them to swerve.
The act of observing disturbs
the observed -
Which ruins your test. But then
if there's no testing
To see if a particle's moving
or resting
Why try to conjecture? Pure
useless endeavor!
We know probability - certainty,
never.'
The effect of this notion? I
very much fear
'Twill make doubtful all things
that were formerly clear.
Till soon the cat doctors will
say in reports,
'We've just flipped a coin and
we've learned he's a corpse.'"
So said Herr Erwin. Quoth Albert,
"You're nuts.
God doesn't play dice with universe,
putz.
I'll prove it!" he said, and
the Lord knows he tried -
In vain - until fin'ly he more
or less died.
Win spoke at the funeral: "Listen,
dear friends,
Sweet Al was my buddy. I must
make amends.
Though he doubted my theory,
I'll say of this saint:
Ten-to-one he's in heaven -
but five bucks says he ain't."
Möbius' Mouse
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the Möbius
strip;
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
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Subj: Is Hell
Exothermic or Endothermic? (S36, S409)
From: ArmaDillow on 97-08-06
and
From: DoctorDebt on 11/20/2004
A thermodynamics professor had
written a take-home exam for
his graduate students.
It had one question: "Is hell
exothermic or endothermic? Support
your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs
of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law or some variant.
One student, however wrote the
following:
First, we postulate that if souls
exist, they must have some
mass. If they do, then
a mole of souls can also have a mass.
So, at what rate are souls moving
into hell and at what rate
are souls leaving? I think
that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets
look at the different
religions that exist in the
world today. Some of these
religions state that if you
are not a member of their
religion, you will go to hell.
Since there are more than
one of these religions and people
do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project
that all people and all
souls go to hell. With
birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change
in volume in hell.
Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and
pressure in hell to stay the
same, the ratio of the mass
of souls and volume needs to
stay constant.
#1 So, if hell is expanding at
a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter hell, then
the temperature and pressure
in hell will increase until
all hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if hell is expanding
at a rate faster than
the increase of souls in hell,
than the temperature and
pressure will drop until hell
freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given
me by Therese Banyan
during Freshman year, and take
into account the fact that
I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with
her, then #2 cannot be true,
and hell is exothermic.
[The student got the only A.]
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Subj:
The Adventures Of Micro-Farad And Milli-Amp
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
One night
when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad
decided to seek out a cute coil
to let him discharge.
He picked
up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride on his
Megacycle. They rode across
the Wheatstone Bridge, around
the sine waves, and stopped
in the magnetic field by a flowing
current.
Micro-Farad,
attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic
curves, soon had her fully charged
and excited her resistance
to a minimum. He laid
her on the ground potential, raised
her frequency, and lowered her
reluctance.
He pulled
out his high voltage probe and inserted it in
her socket, connecting them
in parallel and began short
circuiting her resistance shunt.
Fully excited, Milli-Amp
mumbled, "OHM-OHM-OHM."
With his
tube operating at a maximum and her field
vibrating with his current flow,
it caused her shunt to
overheat, and Micro-Farad was
rapidly discharged and drained
off every electron.
They fluxed
all night trying various connections and
sockets until his magnet had
a soft core and lost all of
its field strength.
Afterwards,
Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged
her solenoids. With his
battery fully discharged, Micro-
Farad was unable to excite his
field, so they spent the
rest of the night reversing
polarity and blowing each
other's fuses.
THE END
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| Subj:
Frank And Ernest On Einstein (S533c)
From: WashingtonPost.com on 4/10/2007 |
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You can view this cute Frank
and Ernest comic strip on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Domino experiment from
Smiley_Central |