Subj: Physics3 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 53 jokes and articles)
Magnet from
Animation Factory
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Subj: Physics3 Jokes (Gz) (Includes 53 jokes and articles) |
|
Magnet from Animation Factory |
PHYSICS1 contains things that are almost
jokes
PHYSICS2 contains sort of jokes
PHYSICS3 contains oddities and short
jokes
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| Subj:
Camouflage Jacket (S536)
From: MentalBay.com 4/30/2007 Source: http://www.mentalbay.com/videos/41/videos |
 |
The invisible jacket is pretty
cool. You can view this
260 KB movie at the source above,
or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: The
Physicists' Bill of Rights
Author Unknown
From: American Physics Society
at http://www.aps.org/apsnews/articles/11273.html
We hold these postulates to be
intuitively obvious, that
all physicists are born equal,
to a first approximation,
and are endowed by their creator
with certain discrete
privileges, among them a mean
rest life, n degrees of
freedom, and the following rights,
which are invariant
under all linear transformations:
I. To approximate all problems to ideal cases.
II. To use order of magnitude
calculations whenever deemed
necessary
(i.e., whenever one can get away with it).
III. To use the rigorous method
of "squinting" for solving
problems
more complex than the additions of positive
real integers.
IV. To dismiss all functions
which diverge as "nasty"
and "unphysical".
V. To invoke the uncertainty
principle whenever confronted
by confused mathematicians,
chemists, engineers,
psychologists,
dramatists, and andere schweinhund.
VI. To the extensive use of "bastard
notations" where
conventional mathematics
will not work.
VII. To justify shaky reasoning
on the basis that it gives
the right answer.
VIII. To cleverly choose convenient
initial conditions,
using the principle
of general triviality.
IX. To use plausible arguments
in place of proofs, and
thenceforth refer
to those arguments as proofs.
X. To take on faith any principle
which seems right
but cannot be proved.
--------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 1995, The American
Physical Society.
The APS encourages the redistribution
of the materials
included in this newsletter
provided that attribution
to the source is noted, the
materials are not truncated
or changed.
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Subj: A Party
of Famous Physicists (S359b)
From: rwtmpkns on 12/17/2003
One day, all of the world's famous
physicists decided to
get together for a tea luncheon.
Fortunately, the doorman
was a grad student, and able
to observe some of the guests...
• Everyone gravitated toward
Newton, but he just kept
moving around at
a constant velocity and showed no reaction.
• Einstein thought it was a
relatively good time.
• Coulomb got a real charge
out of the whole thing.
• Cavendish wasn't invited,
but he had the balls
to show up anyway.
• Cauchy, being the only mathematician
there, still managed
to integrate well
with everyone.
• Thompson enjoyed the plum
pudding.
• Pauli came late, but was
mostly excluded from things,
so he split.
• Pascal was under too much
pressure to enjoy himself.
• Ohm spent most of the time
resisting Ampere's opinions
on current events.
• Hamilton went to the buffet
tables exactly once.
• Volt thought the social had
a lot of potential.
• Hilbert was pretty spaced
out for most of it.
• Heisenberg may or may not
have been there.
• The Curies were there and
just glowed the whole time.
• van der Waals forced himeself
to mingle.
• Wien radiated a colourful
personality.
• Millikan dropped his Italian
oil dressing.
• de Broglie mostly just stood
in the corner and waved.
• Hollerith liked the hole
idea.
• Stefan and Boltzman got into
some hot debates.
• Everyone was attracted to
Tesla's magnetic personality.
• Compton was a little scatter-brained
at times.
• Bohr ate too much and got
atomic ache.
• Watt turned out to be a powerful
speaker.
• Hertz went back to the buffet
table several times a minute.
• Faraday had quite a capacity
for food.
• Oppenheimer got bombed.
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Subj: Archimedes'
Principle, A Physics Poem (S236)
From: Science Jokes
at http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/
and
From: bredmile
Came across this at school, early
1950s. Funny how some
things stick!
ARCHIMEDES' PRINCIPLE
Students of physics are frequently
told
Of experiments performed by
great physicists of old
Like Boyles and Charles -- but
greatest of these
Was the Principle discovered
by Archimedes.
The Sicilian King, Archimedes
was told,
Ordered a crown from a large
lump of gold,
And though the weight of the
gold was completely correct,
The goldsmith's eye made the
King suspect
That he'd made up the weight
with some cheaper metal
And stolen some gold, that his
debts he might settle.
His problem was then of outstanding
immensity
As he had no idea, whatsoever,
of density.
Climbing into a bath he received
a surprise
When he noticed the water beginning
to rise.
He suddenly snapped, and let
out a scream,
As he realized, with joy, his
long-wished-for dream.
He found the up thrust, produced
on a body's base*,
To be equal in weight to the
water displaced,
And soon volumes and weights
would make it quite plain
What various metals the crown
could contain,
And so he could easily show
to his Royalty
The absolute proof of the goldsmith's
disloyalty.
Leaping out of the bath at remarkable
rate,
He made for the palace by doorway
and gate --
But the men in the street were
completely confounded
To see a naked man shout "Eureka!
I've found it!"
* Is this the only error?
The up thrust is not on the
base, but at the Center of Pressure.
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Subj: Physics
Bumper Stickers
From: joeshmoe
(List of Taglines)
Plasma is another matter.
Interstellar Matter is a Gas
It's worse than that, it's physics,
Jim!
"The faster you go, the shorter
you are" - Einstein
A stitch in time would have
confused Einstein.
All that glitters has a high
refractive index.
Black Holes are Out of Sight
Black Holes were created when
God divided by zero!
Black holes really suck...
The Universe is a big place...
perhaps the biggest
The Hubbell works fine; all
that stuff IS blurry!
Do radioactive cats have 18
half-lives?
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
Going the speed of light is
bad for your age.
Gravity: Not just a good
idea...it's the LAW.
How many weeks are there in
a light year?
Jet Engine Theory -Suck, Squeeze,
Bang, Blow!
Power corrupts, but we need
electricity.
Resistance Is Useless!
(If [ 1 ohm)
Supernovae are a Blast
Scientists do it experimentally.
Scientists do it with plenty
of research.
Scientists discovered it.
Graduates do it by degrees.
Professors do it by the book.
Professors do it with class.
Professors forget to do it.
Research professors do it only
if they get grants.
Researchers are still looking
for it.
Researchers do it with control.
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Subj: Are
You A Physicist?
From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97
Due to the enormous workload
involved in physics classes
combined with stress and lack
of sleep, physics students
often forget (either by accident,
defence mechanism, or
intentionally) what their degree
really is. Thus, as
a physics student, I took it
upon myself to create a small
list of indicators to help us
all remember what we really
are.
You might be a Physics Student...
if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
if you enjoy pain.
if you know vector calculus but
you can't remember
how to do long
division.
if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
if you've actually used every
single function
on your graphing
calculator.
if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics student.
if it is sunny and 70 degrees
outside, and you are
working on a computer.
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
if you always do homework on Friday nights.
if you know how to integrate
a chicken and
can take the derivative
of water.
if you think in "maths."
if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
if you hesitate to look at something
because
you don't want
to break down its wave function.
if you have a pet named after a scientist.
if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
if the Humane Society has you
arrested because you actually
performed the Schrodinger's
Cat experiment.
if you can translate English into Binary.
if you can't remember what's
behind the door in the
science building
which says "Exit."
if you have to bring a jacket
with you, in the middle of
summer, because
there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
if you are completely addicted to caffeine.
if you avoid doing anything because
you don't want to
contribute to the
eventual heat-death of the universe.
if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
if when your professor asks you
where your homework is, you
claim to have accidentally
determined its momentum so
precisely, that
according to Heisenberg it could be
anywhere in the
universe.
if the "fun" center of your brain
has deteriorated
from lack of use.
if you'll assume that a "horse"
is a "sphere"
in order to make
the maths easier.
if you understood more than five of these indicators.
if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
If these indicators apply to
you, there is good reason to
suspect that you
might be a physics student. I hope this
clears up any confusion.
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Subj: Laws
And Formulas
Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased):
First Law: You can't get
anything without working for it.
Second Law: The most you can
accomplish by work is to break even.
Third Law: You can't break
even.
From: 74222.2372
Ginsberg's Theorem (The modern
statement of the three
laws of thermodynamics)
1. You can't win.
2. You can't even break even.
3. You can't get out of the
game.
4. THE LAW OF ENTROPY:
The perversity of the universe
tends towards a maximum.
"Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's
Theorem:
"Every majoy philosophy that
attempts to make life seem
meaningful
is based on the negation of one part
of Ginsberg's
Theorem.
To wit:
"1. Capitalism is based
on the assumption that
you
can win.
"2. Socialism is
based on the assumption that
you
can break even.
"3. Mysticism is
based on the assmuption that
you
can quit the game."
What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the number
expressing the relationship
between the circumference
of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus
or minus 0.00000005
Engineer: Pi is about 3.
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Subj: Physics
Quotes Not By Einstein (S73)
Einstein quotations are in MATH5.
All science is either physics
or stamp collecting.
-- E. Rutherford
Physics is not a religion.
If it were, we'd have
a much easier time raising money.
-Leon Lederman
What is mind? No matter.
What is matter? Never
mind. - Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
"Truth decays into beauty, while
beauty soon becomes merely charm.
Charm ends up as strangeness,
and even that doesn't last, but up
and down are forever." - The
Laws of Physics
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well
to remember that the entire
universe, with one trifling
exception, is composed of others."
Max Frisch: "Technology is a
way of organizing the universe
so that man doesn't have to
experience it."
Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson):
"The surest sign that
intelligent life exists elsewhere
in the universe is that
it has never tried to contact
us."
I had a professor who said that
"physicists have a knack for
jumping into mathematical cesspools
and coming out smelling
like a rose" From: johncobb@uts.cc.utexas.edu
(John W. Cobb)
Overheard after a student failed
a physics test miserably:
Nuclear, Hydrogen, Atomic, My
test- They can all be bombs.
--- Black Holes are where God
is dividing by zero ---
From: dnichols
We have learned that matter is
weird stuff. It is weird
enough, so that it does not
limit God's freedom to make
it do what he pleases.
-- Dyson, Freeman J., Ch. 1,
p. 8, _Infinite in All Directions:
Gifford lectures given
at Aberdeen, Scotland, April-November
1985_; edited by
the author (Harper & Row,
New York, 1988).
"Professor Goddard does not know
the relation between action
and reaction and the need to
have something better than a
vacuum against which to react.
He seems to lack the basic
knowledge ladled out daily in
high schools." -- 1921 New
York Times editorial about Robert
Goddard's revolutionary
rocket work.
A theory is something nobody
believes, except the person
who made it. An experiment
is something everybody believes,
except the person who made it.
If it moves it is biology, if
it stinks it is chemistry
and if it does not work it is
physics.
From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
With every passing hour our
solar system comes forty-three
thousand miles closer to globular
cluster 13 in the
constellation Hercules, and
still there are some misfits who
continue to insist that there
is no such thing as progress.
-- Ransom K. Ferm
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/16/2002 (S294b)
Your Highness, I have no need
of this hypothesis.
-- Pierre Laplace (1749-1827),
to Napoleon on why his
works
on celestial mechanics make no mention of God.
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/1/2002 (S296b)
We all agree that your theory
is crazy, but is it crazy
enough? -- Niels Bohr
(1885-1962)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/2/2003 (S331b)
If I have seen more than others,
it is because I was
standing on the shoulders of
giants. -- Sir Isaac Newton
I do not know what I may appear
to the world, but to myself,
I seem to have been only like
a boy playing on the seashore
and diverting myself in now
and then finding a smoother
pebble or prettier shell than
ordinary, whilst the great
ocean of truth lay all undiscovered
before me.
-- Sir Isaac Newton (in Quotes1)
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Subj: Short
Physics Jokes
 |
Subj:
Two Physics Puzzles (S573c)
From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 1/10/2008 Bat drawing from Rockham County Public Schools |
1. If a solid piece of iron shaped
as a doughnut was placed
under extreme heat,
what would the hole in the middle do?
2. Is balancing a baseball bat
vertically on your hand
easier with the
larger end at the top or with the
smaller end at
the top?
The solution can be found on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
| Subj:
Swimming Pool Puzzle (S563)
From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 11/02/2007 |
 |
Coin
drawing from
FlickR |
The solution can be found on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 |
Subj:
Two Spheres Puzzle (S513)
From: MathForm.org on 4/8/2006 Sphere picture from Yahoo! Images |
| Subj:
The Monkey and The Rope (S483c)
From: From: MathForm.org on 4/28/2006 |
 |
Monkey
on Rope from
Yahoo Images |
Hanging over a pulley there is
a rope, with a weight at one
end. At the other end
hangs a monkey of equal weight. What
happens if the monkey starts
to ascend the rope? Assume that
the mass of the rope and pulley
are negligible, and the pulley
is frictionless. 
 |
Subj:
Balloon In A Car (S481c)
From: MathForm.org on 4/8/2006 Balloon Drawing from Andrew Hill International on 4/8/2006 |
| Subj:
The Making of Stonehenge (S447 in Movies)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 8/23/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Online
Conversion (S384b)
From: igiggle on 6/6/2004
Converts from one unit of measure
to any similar unit.
Convert just about anything
to anything else. Over
5,000 units, and 50,000 conversions.
View online at
- http://www.onlineconversion.com/
Top
Subj: Gravilux
(S379b)
From: igiggle on 5/1/2004
Move your mouse over the dots
and click. Your click
causes a gravity well to form.
Beautiful results.
- http://www.snibbe.com/scott/dynamic/gravilux/gravilux.html
Top
Subj: Physics
Cartoons (S360)
From: rwtmpkns on 12/17/2003
Bob, thank you for sending me
the location of these 13
great Physics cartoons now on
my web site at
http://jokelibrary.150m.com/yyDrawings/Physics.html
or click 'Here'
to see it in these files.
Top
Subj: How
Many Physicists To Change A Light Bulb? (S359)
From: Homepage of Andreas Handle on 12/18/03
How many physicists does it
take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to do it and ten
to co-author the paper.
How many physicists does it take
to change a light bulb?
Only one, but 600 applied for
the job.
How many quantum physicists does
it take to change a light bulb ?
They can't. If they know where
the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb
How many astronomers does it
take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the
dark.
How many radio astronomers does
it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are not interested
in that short wave stuff.
How many general relativists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One holds the bulb, while
the other rotates the universe.
Top
Subj: Physics
Web Site (S261)
From: gheckman on 1/29/2002
I subscribe to "Science News".
For $54.50, each week I get
news magazine of short articles
on all thats new in science.
I like it a lot, and will probably
continue to subscribe.
Gayle sent the web site address
http://physicsweb.org/.
The site is called 'PhysicsWeb'.
It provides the reader
with the latest news in physics,
job opportunities in
physics and resources. The articles
come from 'Physics
World'. Every time I turn
around someone turns me on
to some other amazing web site.
Thanks Gayle.
Top
Subj: Calvin
And Hobbes
From: ossama on 98-05-12
Calvin's (c) Dad's (D) "scientific"
explanations.
C: Dad, will you explain the
theory of relativity to me?
I don't understand
why time goes slower at greater speed.
D: It's because you keep changing
time zones. See, if you
fly to California,
you gain three hours on a five-hour
flight, right?
So if you go at the speed of light, you
gain MORE time,
because it doesn't take as long to get
there. Of
course, the theory of relativity only works
if you're going
west.
What is the most frequently asked
questions by the following
after they graduate :
1) Engineer : How do I do it?
2) Economist : How much will
it cost?
3) Mathematician/Physicist :
Would you like some ketchup
with it?
Each unit on the Richter Scale
is equivalent to a power
factor of about 32. So
a 6 is 32 times more powerful than
a 5! Though it goes to
10, 9 is estimated to be the point
of total tetonic destruction
(2 is the smallest that can
be felt unaided.)
Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the Church of England.
Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The little bags of netting for
gas lanterns (called 'mantles')
are radioactive--so much so
that they will set off an alarm
at a nuclear reactor.
There once was a fellow named
Blight
Whose speed was much faster
than light.
He sat off one day
In a relative way
and returned on the previous
night.
We've heard of that fellow named
Blight,
And his trip on that fabulous
night,
But his increasing mass
Would have soon proved so vast
He'd have been a most *singular*
sight!
According to the late R. P. Feynman,
an easy rule for telling
which was is up is the following:
point the index finger
of your right hand in the direction
of motion of the bus, and
the thumb in the direction of
motion of exiting passengers.
The middle finger will point
*up*.
In Britain, use the left hand.
The Stanford Linear Accelerator
Center was known as SLAC,
until the big earthquake, when
it became known as SPLAC.
SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise
Linear Accelerator.
Historians have concluded that
W.Heisenberg must have been
contemplating his love life
when he discovered the Uncertainty
Principle:
-When he had the time,he didn't
have the energy and,
-When the moment was right,he
couldn't figure out the position...
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
You can never be sure how many
beers you had last night.
The high energy density variations
of vacuum
are mainly produced within brains.
A physics joke:
"Energy equals milk chocolate
square"
Entropy isn't what it used to be...
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Brownian motion = Jogging girl scout
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
Anything that won't sell, I don't
want to invent. Its
sale is proof of utility and
utility is success.
-- Thomas Edison (in Quotes1)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/6/2006 (S517b)
"If we did all the things we
were capable of doing, we
would literally astound ourselves.
"
-- Thomas Edison,
inventor, businessman (1847-1931)
From: vcarlew on 97-09-27
Two atoms smashed into each
other while travelling at high
speed. The first atom
got up and said to the second atom.
"Hey are you all right?"
The second atom said "No I'm
not. I think I lost an electron!"
The first atom said "Lost an
electron? Are you sure?"
The second atom said "Yes, I'm
positive."
From: cohen#il on 97-12-12 (S160)
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided
by zero.
From: auntieg on 98-02-12 (S226)
A neutron goes into a bar and
asks the bartender, "How
much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For
you, no charge."
From: ICohen on5/29/2001 (S226)
Two atoms are walking down the
street and they run in to
each other. One says to
the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!" "Are
you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
From: grs on 98-04-05
If your in a vehicle going the
speed of light.
What happens when you turn on
the headlights?
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
I feel like I'm diagonally parked
in a parallel universe.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit
of time for 1/100th of a second.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
There's no future in time travel.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
(S157)
and From: RFSlick on 01/29/2000
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams
stuff is made of
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #263 on 98-08-01
I was always taught the laws
of Physics applied to all
situations, regardless of the
circumstances. How is it
then that the girls with the
most streamlined shapes
offer the most resistance?
From: ossama on 98-08-12
In just two days, tomorrow will
be yesterday.
From: ossama on 99-01-27
186,000 miles/sec: Not just
a good idea, it's the LAW!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/12/2001
(S254)
"Sound really does travel slower
than light. The advice
parents give to their 18-year-olds
doesn't reach them
until they're about 40."
-- Unknown.
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/1/2002 (S292b)
There is more stupidity than
hydrogen in the universe,
and it has a longer shelf life.
-- Frank Zappa
From: vaterbenicia on 5/21/2006 (S487b)
Just remember...if the world
didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/28/2006
(S506b)
"Physics is like sex: sure,
it may give some practical
results, but that's not why
we do it." -- Richard Feynman
From: jbcary1 on 2/2/2007 (S525b)
Protons have mass? I didn't
even know they were Catholic.
Q: What is more useful: the sun
or the moon?
A: The moon, because the moon
shines at night when
you want the light,
whereas the sun shines
during the day
when you don't need it.
Q: Why did the cat fall off the
roof?
A: Because he lost his mu.
(mew=sound cats make,
mu=coeff of friction)
Q: How does Santa deliver presents
all over the world
on Christmas Eve?
A: With Rudolf the red-shift
reindeer.
Q: What do physicist enjoy doing
the most at baseball games?
A: The 'wave'.
Q: What is uttered by a sick
duck?
A: Quark!
Q: What is an astronomical unit?
A: One helluva big apartment
Q: How many kinds of physicists
are there?
A: Three. Those who can
count and those who can't.
Q: What did the blonde say to
the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear
fission!
What do you use
for bait?"
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 |
Shooting pool from
Smiley_Central |