Subj: Physics3 Jokes
(Includes 64 jokes and articles, 04 1025,20,cf,vXT4,16)
PHYSICS1 contains things that are almost
PHYSICS2 contains sort of jokes
PHYSICS3 contains oddities and short jokes
Big Bang Quotes And Videos (S801,cf,md4,2d)
From: RDobry on 5/14/2012
Drawing from Wikipedia.org...
The Big Bang Theory (2006- Present)is
television show featuring the escapades of four
scientifically brilliant but socially inept friends
and their female friend who has more common sense
then all four combined. The Big Bang Theory uses
geek culture to fuel comic situations involving comic
book collecting, science-fiction trivia, and overall
geeky social ineptitude.
"The Big Bang Theory" is jokey and stupid yet smart
and witty, and no character embodies all of that
more than Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper is narcissistic,
||socially awkward, childish,
irascible, selfish, rude, and irrepressible.
He is also extremely popular with viewers
Drawing from DeviantArt.com
to read several witty, silly jokes,
click to see several cute videos from the show.
Subj: A Party of Famous Physicists (S359b)
From: rwtmpkns on 12/17/2003
One day, all of the world's famous
physicists decided to
get together for a tea luncheon. Fortunately, the doorman
was a grad student, and able to observe some of the guests...
gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept
moving around at a constant velocity and showed no reaction.
Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.
Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.
Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls
to show up anyway.
Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed
to integrate well with everyone.
Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.
Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things,
so he split.
Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.
Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions
on current events.
Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.
Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.
Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.
Heisenberg may or may not have been there.
The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.
van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.
Wien radiated a colourful personality.
Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.
de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.
Hollerith liked the hole idea.
Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.
Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.
Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.
Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.
Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.
Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.
Faraday had quite a capacity for food.
Oppenheimer got bombed.
TED-Ed - Questions No One
.............Knows The Answers To (S799d)
From: Wimp.com on 4/29/2012
In the first of a new TED-Ed
series designed to catalyze
curiosity, TED Curator Chris Anderson shares his boyhood
obsession with quirky questions that seem to have no answers.
Animated by Andrew Park (http://www.cognitivemedia.co.uk).
This video discusses questions
such as the following:
How many universes are there?
Why can't we see evidence of alien life?
Click 'HERE' to see this great, thought provoking video.
TED-Ed hopes everyone will be a lifelong learner through
||TED-Ed's Lessons Worth
mission is to capture and amplify the
voices of great educators around the
world. We do this by pairing extra-
ordinary educators with talented
animators to produce a new library of
Drawing from SoulPancake.com
Subj: Archimedes' Principle, A Physics Poem (S236)
From: Science Jokes and From: bredmile
Came across this at school, early
1950s. Funny how some
Students of physics are frequently
Of experiments performed by great physicists of old
Like Boyles and Charles -- but greatest of these
Was the Principle discovered by Archimedes.
The Sicilian King, Archimedes
Ordered a crown from a large lump of gold,
And though the weight of the gold was completely correct,
The goldsmith's eye made the King suspect
That he'd made up the weight with some cheaper metal
And stolen some gold, that his debts he might settle.
His problem was then of outstanding immensity
As he had no idea, whatsoever, of density.
Climbing into a bath he received
When he noticed the water beginning to rise.
He suddenly snapped, and let out a scream,
As he realized, with joy, his long-wished-for dream.
He found the up thrust, produced
on a body's base*,
To be equal in weight to the water displaced,
And soon volumes and weights would make it quite plain
What various metals the crown could contain,
And so he could easily show to his Royalty
The absolute proof of the goldsmith's disloyalty.
Leaping out of the bath at remarkable
He made for the palace by doorway and gate --
But the men in the street were completely confounded
To see a naked man shout "Eureka! I've found it!"
* Is this the only error?
The up thrust is not on the
base, but at the Center of Pressure.
TED: Clifford Stroll's Amazing Talk (S768d)
From: Wimp.com on 10/5/2011
Clifford Stoll could talk about
the atmosphere of Jupiter.
Or hunting KGB hackers. Or Klein bottles, computers in
classrooms, the future. But he's not going to. Which is
fine, because it would be criminal to confine a man with
interests as multifarious as Stoll's to give a talk on
any one topic. Instead, he simply captivates his audience
with a wildly energetic sprinkling of anecdotes, observations,
asides -- and even a science experiment. After all, by
his own definition, he's a scientist: "Once I do something,
I want to do something else."
to see this fabulous, amazing talk at TED
in Monterey, CA on Feb. 2006.
Subj: Candorville Sunday Comic Strip (S1025)
By Darrin Bell on 9/4/2016
Subj: Are You A Physicist?
From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97
Due to the enormous workload
involved in physics classes
combined with stress and lack of sleep, physics students
often forget (either by accident, defence mechanism, or
intentionally) what their degree really is. Thus, as
a physics student, I took it upon myself to create a small
list of indicators to help us all remember what we really
You might be a Physics Student...
if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
if you enjoy pain.
if you know vector calculus but
you can't remember
how to do long division.
if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
if you've actually used every
on your graphing calculator.
if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics student.
if it is sunny and 70 degrees
outside, and you are
working on a computer.
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
if you always do homework on Friday nights.
if you know how to integrate
a chicken and
can take the derivative of water.
if you think in "maths."
if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
if you hesitate to look at something
you don't want to break down its wave function.
if you have a pet named after a scientist.
if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
if the Humane Society has you
arrested because you actually
performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
if you can translate English into Binary.
if you can't remember what's
behind the door in the
science building which says "Exit."
if you have to bring a jacket
with you, in the middle of
summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
if you are completely addicted to caffeine.
if you avoid doing anything because
you don't want to
contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
if when your professor asks you
where your homework is, you
claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so
precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be
anywhere in the universe.
if the "fun" center of your brain
from lack of use.
if you'll assume that a "horse"
is a "sphere"
in order to make the maths easier.
if you understood more than five of these indicators.
if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
If these indicators apply to
you, there is good reason to
suspect that you might be a physics student. I hope this
clears up any confusion.
Does Neil Tyson Think We Are Alone? (S730d)
From: Wimp.com on 1/7/2011 (in Biology)
This seven minute video/lecture
by Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson,
host of Novascience Now, is one segment of a one hour,
twenty-eight minute presentation called "Cosmic Quandaries
with Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson" held at St. Petersburg College.
This video answers the question, "Does Neil Tyson think we
are alone in the universe?" Click 'HERE' to see this
Subj: Laws And Formulas
Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased):
First Law: You can't get
anything without working for it.
Second Law: The most you can accomplish by work is to break even.
Third Law: You can't break even.
Ginsberg's Theorem (The modern statement of the three
laws of thermodynamics)
1. You can't win.
2. You can't even break even.
3. You can't get out of the game.
4. THE LAW OF ENTROPY:
The perversity of the universe
tends towards a maximum.
"Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem:
"Every majoy philosophy that attempts to make life seem
meaningful is based on the negation of one part
of Ginsberg's Theorem.
"1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that
you can win.
"2. Socialism is based on the assumption that
you can break even.
"3. Mysticism is based on the assmuption that
you can quit the game."
What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship
between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.00000005
Engineer: Pi is about 3.
The Making of Stonehenge (S447d)
on 8/23/2005 (in Movies)
This retired construction worker
shows us how Stonehenge
could be built by one man without pulleys or levers. You
can view it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: The Physicists' Bill of Rights
From: American Physics Society
Source: (Removed from aps.org/apsnews/articles)
We hold these postulates to be
intuitively obvious, that
all physicists are born equal, to a first approximation,
and are endowed by their creator with certain discrete
privileges, among them a mean rest life, n degrees of
freedom, and the following rights, which are invariant
under all linear transformations:
I. To approximate all problems to ideal cases.
II. To use order of magnitude
calculations whenever deemed
necessary (i.e., whenever one can get away with it).
III. To use the rigorous method
of "squinting" for solving
problems more complex than the additions of positive
IV. To dismiss all functions
which diverge as "nasty"
V. To invoke the uncertainty
principle whenever confronted
by confused mathematicians, chemists, engineers,
psychologists, dramatists, and andere schweinhund.
VI. To the extensive use of "bastard
conventional mathematics will not work.
VII. To justify shaky reasoning
on the basis that it gives
the right answer.
VIII. To cleverly choose convenient
using the principle of general triviality.
IX. To use plausible arguments
in place of proofs, and
thenceforth refer to those arguments as proofs.
X. To take on faith any principle
which seems right
but cannot be proved.
Copyright 1995, The American Physical Society.
The APS encourages the redistribution of the materials
included in this newsletter provided that attribution
to the source is noted, the materials are not truncated
Sinusoidal Vs Harmonic Motion (S611b)
From: tom on 9/24/2008
Can you explain the difference
between sinusoidal and
harmonic Motion? To see this visual expanation, click
Subj: Physics Bumper Stickers
(List of Taglines)
Plasma is another matter.
Interstellar Matter is a Gas
It's worse than that, it's physics, Jim!
"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Black Holes are Out of Sight
Black Holes were created when God divided by zero!
Black holes really suck...
The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest
The Hubbell works fine; all that stuff IS blurry!
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Gravity: Not just a good idea...it's the LAW.
How many weeks are there in a light year?
Jet Engine Theory -Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow!
Power corrupts, but we need electricity.
Resistance Is Useless! (If [ 1 ohm)
Supernovae are a Blast
Scientists do it experimentally.
Scientists do it with plenty of research.
Scientists discovered it.
Graduates do it by degrees.
Professors do it by the book.
Professors do it with class.
Professors forget to do it.
Research professors do it only if they get grants.
Researchers are still looking for it.
Researchers do it with control.
Camouflage Jacket (S536d)
From: MentalBay.com 4/30/2007
The invisible jacket is pretty
cool. You can view
this video by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Physics Quotes Not By Einstein (S73)
Einstein quotations are in MATH5.
All science is either physics
or stamp collecting.
-- E. Rutherford
Physics is not a religion.
If it were, we'd have
a much easier time raising money. -Leon Lederman
What is mind? No matter.
What is matter? Never mind. - Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
"Truth decays into beauty, while
beauty soon becomes merely charm.
Charm ends up as strangeness, and even that doesn't last, but up
and down are forever." - The Laws of Physics
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well
to remember that the entire
universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
Max Frisch: "Technology is a
way of organizing the universe
so that man doesn't have to experience it."
Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson):
"The surest sign that
intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that
it has never tried to contact us."
I had a professor who said that
"physicists have a knack for
jumping into mathematical cesspools and coming out smelling
like a rose" From: firstname.lastname@example.org (John W. Cobb)
Overheard after a student failed
a physics test miserably:
Nuclear, Hydrogen, Atomic, My test- They can all be bombs.
--- Black Holes are where God
is dividing by zero ---
We have learned that matter is
weird stuff. It is weird
enough, so that it does not limit God's freedom to make
it do what he pleases. -- Dyson, Freeman J., Ch. 1,
p. 8, _Infinite in All Directions: Gifford lectures given
at Aberdeen, Scotland, April-November 1985_; edited by
the author (Harper ? Row, New York, 1988).
"Professor Goddard does not know
the relation between action
and reaction and the need to have something better than a
vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic
knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." -- 1921 New
York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary
A theory is something nobody
believes, except the person
who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes,
except the person who made it.
If it moves it is biology, if
it stinks it is chemistry
and if it does not work it is physics.
From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three
thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the
constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who
continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
-- Ransom K. Ferm
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/16/2002 (S294b)
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
-- Pierre Laplace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his
works on celestial mechanics make no mention of God.
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/1/2002 (S296b)
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy
enough? -- Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/2/2003 (S331b)
If I have seen more than others, it is because I was
standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Sir Isaac Newton
I do not know what I may appear
to the world, but to myself,
I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore
and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother
pebble or prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great
ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.
-- Sir Isaac Newton (in Quotes1)
Subj: Short Physics Jokes
The Higgs Boson Walks Into A Church
Joke found on 7/6/2012 (S808)
Source: (Removed from DigitalVegetarian.com)
The Higgs Boson Explained In A Drawing (S808)
From: Denise Cullen
on Facebook on 7/4/2012
Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S727)
By Cassatt and Brookins on 12/5/10
Rising Tone Vs. Sand (S697b,d)
From: Wimp.com on 4/29/2010
Bat drawing from YouTube.com
Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S645)
By Bob Thaves on 5/18/2009
Two Physics Puzzles (S573c)
From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 1/10/2008
Bat drawing from Rockham County Public Schools
1. If a solid piece of iron shaped
as a doughnut was placed
under extreme heat, what would the hole in the middle do?
2. Is balancing a baseball bat
vertically on your hand
easier with the larger end at the top or with the
smaller end at the top?
The solution can be found on
my site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Online Conversion (S384b)
From: igiggle on 6/6/2004
Converts from one unit of measure to any similar unit.
Convert just about anything to anything else. Over
5,000 units, and 50,000 conversions. View online at
Swimming Pool Puzzle (S563)
From: Puzzles/Brain Teasers on 11/02/2007
Source: (Removed from apuzzlezone.com/adailypuzzle)
The solution can be found by
Two Spheres Puzzle (S513)
From: MathForm.org on 4/8/2006
Sphere picture from Yahoo! Images
Subj: Physics Cartoons (S360)
From: rwtmpkns on 12/17/2003
Bob, thank you for sending me the location of these 13
great Physics cartoons Click 'Here' to see them.
The Monkey and The Rope (S483c)
From: From: MathForm.org
on Rope from
Hanging over a pulley there is
a rope, with a weight at one
end. At the other end hangs a monkey of equal weight. What
happens if the monkey starts to ascend the rope? Assume that
the mass of the rope and pulley are negligible, and the pulley
is frictionless. . The source downloads a file.
Subj: How Many Physicists To Change A Light Bulb? (S359)
From: Homepage of Andreas Handle on 12/18/03
How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.
How many physicists does it take
to change a light bulb?
Only one, but 600 applied for the job.
How many quantum physicists does
it take to change a light bulb ?
They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb
How many astronomers does it
take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
How many radio astronomers does
it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
How many general relativists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
Balloon In A Car (S481c)
From: MathForm.org on 4/8/2006
Balloon Drawing from Andrew Hill International
Subj: Physics Web Site (S261)
From: gheckman on 1/29/2002
I subscribe to "Science News". For $54.50, each week I get
news magazine of short articles on all thats new in science.
I like it a lot, and will probably continue to subscribe.
Gayle sent the web site address
The site is called 'PhysicsWeb'. It provides the reader
with the latest news in physics, job opportunities in
physics and resources. The articles come from 'Physics
World'. Every time I turn around someone turns me on
to some other amazing web site. Thanks Gayle.
Subj: Calvin And Hobbes
From: ossama on 98-05-12
Calvin's (c) Dad's (D) "scientific" explanations.
C: Dad, will you explain the
theory of relativity to me?
I don't understand why time goes slower at greater speed.
D: It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you
fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour
flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you
gain MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to get
there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works
if you're going west.
What is the most frequently asked
questions by the following
after they graduate :
1) Engineer : How do I do it?
2) Economist : How much will it cost?
3) Mathematician/Physicist : Would you like some ketchup
Subj: Two Popsicle Stick Riddle2 (S821 in Police-Supp2)
................Englewood Cliffs, NJ 07632
Each unit on the Richter Scale
is equivalent to a power
factor of about 32. So a 6 is 32 times more powerful than
a 5! Though it goes to 10, 9 is estimated to be the point
of total tetonic destruction (2 is the smallest that can
be felt unaided.)
Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the Church of England.
Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The little bags of netting for
gas lanterns (called 'mantles')
are radioactive--so much so that they will set off an alarm
at a nuclear reactor.
There once was a fellow named
Whose speed was much faster than light.
He sat off one day
In a relative way
and returned on the previous night.
We've heard of that fellow named
And his trip on that fabulous night,
But his increasing mass
Would have soon proved so vast
He'd have been a most *singular* sight!
According to the late R. P. Feynman,
an easy rule for telling
which was is up is the following: point the index finger
of your right hand in the direction of motion of the bus, and
the thumb in the direction of motion of exiting passengers.
The middle finger will point *up*.
In Britain, use the left hand.
The Stanford Linear Accelerator
Center was known as SLAC,
until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC.
SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.
Historians have concluded that
W.Heisenberg must have been
contemplating his love life when he discovered the Uncertainty
-When he had the time,he didn't have the energy and,
-When the moment was right,he couldn't figure out the position...
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
The high energy density variations
are mainly produced within brains.
A physics joke:
"Energy equals milk chocolate square"
Entropy isn't what it used to be...
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Brownian motion = Jogging girl scout
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
Anything that won't sell, I don't
want to invent. Its
sale is proof of utility and utility is success.
-- Thomas Edison (in Quotes1)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/6/2006 (S517b)
"If we did all the things we were capable of doing, we
would literally astound ourselves. "
-- Thomas Edison, inventor, businessman (1847-1931)
From: vcarlew on 97-09-27
Two atoms smashed into each other while travelling at high
speed. The first atom got up and said to the second atom.
"Hey are you all right?"
The second atom said "No I'm not. I think I lost an electron!"
The first atom said "Lost an electron? Are you sure?"
The second atom said "Yes, I'm positive."
From: cohen#il on 97-12-12 (S160)
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
From: auntieg on 98-02-12 (S226)
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How
much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
From: ICohen on5/29/2001 (S226)
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to
each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
From: grs on 98-04-05
If your in a vehicle going the speed of light.
What happens when you turn on the headlights?
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
There's no future in time travel.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
and From: RFSlick on 01/29/2000
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #263 on 98-08-01
I was always taught the laws of Physics applied to all
situations, regardless of the circumstances. How is it
then that the girls with the most streamlined shapes
offer the most resistance?
From: ossama on 98-08-12
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
From: ossama on 99-01-27
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/12/2001
"Sound really does travel slower than light. The advice
parents give to their 18-year-olds doesn't reach them
until they're about 40." -- Unknown.
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/1/2002 (S292b)
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe,
and it has a longer shelf life. -- Frank Zappa
From: vaterbenicia on 5/21/2006 (S487b)
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/28/2006
"Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical
results, but that's not why we do it." -- Richard Feynman
From: jbcary1 on 2/2/2007 (S525b)
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Q: What is more useful: the sun
or the moon?
A: The moon, because the moon shines at night when
you want the light, whereas the sun shines
during the day when you don't need it.
Q: Why did the cat fall off the
A: Because he lost his mu. (mew=sound cats make,
mu=coeff of friction)
Q: How does Santa deliver presents
all over the world
on Christmas Eve?
A: With Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
Q: What do physicist enjoy doing
the most at baseball games?
A: The 'wave'.
Q: What is uttered by a sick
Q: What is an astronomical unit?
A: One helluva big apartment
Q: How many kinds of physicists
A: Three. Those who can count and those who can't.
Q: What did the blonde say to
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission!
What do you use for bait?"