(Includes 64 jokes, 08 1103,15,cf,wYT2a7a,8)
Click "Here" for Psych-Supp
Alien Psychology from
Also see BIRDS-SUPP - 'Chicken
And The Road Sign'
BLONDE1 file - 'Not So Dumb Blonde Gets Time Off'
BREASTS file - 'Male Hypnotic Tools'
BROTHERS file- 'Two Brothers At Christmas'
CHICKEN-SUPP - 'Strange Brew Cartoon'
CHRISTMAS1 - 'Pyschological Christmas Carols'
COMPUTER-SUPP- 'Why You Forward Jokes'
DOCTOR1 file - 'Two Doctors Open Small Town Practice'
......................- 'Doctor Helps Couple's Sex Life'
ELDERLY1 - 'Elderly Couple Has Sex In Front Of Doctor'
FACTS4 file - 'Phobia Trivia...'
GERMANY file - 'Hypnotic Freedom'
HUNTING-CMPNG- 'Three Hunters Caught In A Snowstorm'
JOBS-SUPP - 'Hung Chow Too Sick To Work'
JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'How To Get Days Off Work'
......................- 'The Lost Dr. Seuss Poem'
.........KIDS4 file - 'Lifesaver Study'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Man And Wife Are Having Two Problems'
MARRIAGE5 - 'Couple See Marriage Counselor'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Archie Bunker Pantomime Suicides' - Video
MATH1 file - 'The Number "Seven"'
OTHER-ANIMALS- 'Professional Competency Test'
......................- 'Two Penguins - Animated GIF'
PENIS-SUPP - 'Happy And Sad In The Same Sentence'
PHONE file - 'Mental Health Hotline' - Video
......................- 'Answering Machine At Mental Hospital'
POLIT-TRUMP - 'Candorville Comic Strip'
PRISON file - 'Painting Prisons Pink' - Time Article
......................- 'Ax Murderer Let Lose By Accident'
SANTA file - 'In The Wrong Job'
SEX3 file - 'Firing A Starter Gun During Sex'
......................- 'Different Types Of Sex - LOUD SEX:'
SHIT file - 'The Hypnotist'
TENNIS file - 'Tennis Mind Reading'
.........TESTS1 file - 'Intriguing Intelligence Test'
......................- 'OCD Test' - Drawing
TESTS2 file - 'Tibetan Personality Test'
......................- 'Are You In The 98% Test?'
......................- 'Good Short Test'
THO-LEARN-SP2- 'Stress Management'
THO-LEARN-SP3- 'The Innovation Of Loneliness' - Video
THOUGHTS-SLLY- 'Feeling Stressed?'
THO-SILLY-SUP- 'The Pill' - Video
TREE file - 'The Tree Picture Test'
TRUCK-BUS - 'Zimbabwea Bus Driver Stops At Bar'
file - (see GHOSTS file)
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon (DU)
By Dan Piraro in 2012
Jimmy Fallon Meditates (S1073d-On Site)
From: Tonight Show w/Jimmy Fallon
A very shy guy goes into a bar
and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar
is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly
and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman
walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
To which he responds, at the
top of his lungs, "What do you
Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip
By Charles Schulz
..........in 2008 (S589)
You can view this Classic Peanuts
Sunday comic strip
about psychology by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Psychological Test (S331, S530)
From: DoctorDebt in 2003
This is a genuine psychological test.
It is a story about a girl.
While at the funeral of her
own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know. She
thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy she
was searching for that she fell in love with him right
then and there but never asked for his name or number and
afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was. A
few days later the girl killed her own sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought for a
while before you scroll down.
Answer: She was hoping that the
guy would appear at the
If you answered this correctly,
you think like a psychopath.
This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to
test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many
arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered
it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for
you. (If you got the answer correct, please let me know so
I can take you off my e-mail list......unless that will
tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now
HOPE YOU ALL FLUNKED THIS TEST!!!!!!!!!!!
Subj: Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski On Responding To Stress
From: Christopher Pearson in 2016 (S997,d-iFrame)
..........Click 'HERE' to learn more about stress.
Subj: Insane Asylum Exit Test (S318)
From: LABLaughs.com in 2003
Jon and Dave were in a mental
institution. This place had
an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and
giving them two questions. If they got them correct,
they're deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor's
office first and asked if
he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions
correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I
poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon said, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What if I
poked out both of your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind."
The doctor got up, shook his hand and told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, as the doctor
filled out the paperwork,
Jon mentioned the exam to Dave. He told him what questions
were going to be asked, and told him the answers. Dave was
called in. The doctor went through the formalities and
asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Dave, remembering what Jon said
was the correct answer, he
said, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little
puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off both of your
ears?" "I'd be completely blind." Dave answered. "Dave,
can you explain how you'd be blind?" "My hat would fall
over my eyes."
Dr Phil's Test..... (S456, S637b)
From: tom in 2009
Drawing from ClogWork
You can take this cute personality test by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Three Take Personality Test (S309)
From: LABLaughs.com in 2003
A psychology student was to help
a professor in conducting
a personality test. The room was set up with various props
in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first
person to enter the room started through the test.
"How does this glass of water look to you?"
Person 1: It is half empty.
Student writes 'pessimist' in his report.
Person 2 enters the room. "How
does this glass of water
look to you?"
Person 2: It is half full.
Student writes 'optimist' in his report.
Person 3 enters the room. "How
does this glass of water
look to you?"
Person 3: Looks like you have
twice as much glass as
you need there.
The student looks totally blank
and goes to consult with
the professor. "Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot
to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality."
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon II (S1049)
By Dan Piraro in 2017
Subj: The Psychiatrist And The Hostess (S231b)
From: thebartend in 2001
A noted psychiatrist was a guest
speaker at a large gathering,
and his blonde hostess naturally broached a subject of which
the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me,
Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in
somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied.
"You ask a simple question
which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he or she
hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?" asked the hostess.
"Well, you might ask her or him,
'Captain Cook made three
trips around the world and died during one of them. Which
The woman thought for a moment,
then said with a nervous
laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would
you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
Subj: Eeyore And The Butterfly (DU)
..........From: Louis Callerame on Facebook
Subj: Oreo Personality Test (S223)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com in 2001
Psychologists have discovered
that the manner in which
people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their
personalities. Choose which method best describes your
favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results
of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.
1. The whole thing. This means
you consume life with
abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree
with some hint of recklessness. You are totally
irresponsible. No one should trust you with their
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the
5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very
same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but
that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're
very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every
detail with every thing you do to the point of being
anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of
the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get
your work done quickly. You always have a million
things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental
breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and
Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up
beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences
and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are
in total denial about the shambles you call a life.
You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You
have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in
breaking things apart to find out how they work, though
not always able to put them back together, so you
destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny
your involvement when things go wrong. You are a
compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal,
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off.
You take what you want and throw the rest away. You
are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others.
You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you
don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from
small furry animals and seek professional medical help
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear
nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are
particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and
wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be
pampered. You are a prim.
Subj: Pooh The Psychologist (DU)
Created by A.A. Milne in his 1920s books
by Disney in 2008
Subj: Learning Memory Tricks (S167)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com in 2000
Two elderly couples were enjoying
when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the
memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied.
"They taught us all the latest
psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc.
It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought
and thought, but couldn't
remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked,
"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose,
what was the name of that
Subj: How You See Yourself - Picture (S400b)
From: DafterLafter in 2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all)
Subj: Two Nuts At The Insane Asylum (S367b)
From: JBCARY1 in 2004
Jim and Edna were both patients
in a mental hospital. One
day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the
bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped
in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became
aware of Edna's heroic act
he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital
as he now considered her to be mentally stable. He went to
Edna to tell the news and said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you
were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that
your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news
is Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself with his bath-
robe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Subj: Peanuts Comic Strip (S1103)
By Charles M. Schulz on 3/2/2018
Subj: Three Nuts At The Insane Asylum (S291)
Contributed by Josh Hiller
While making his rounds in the
New York City Insane Asylum,
an intern happened upon one of the residents bent over with
his hands in a flower pot. Quite loudly, the resident yelled,
"Down....Set.....Hike! Hike!" He proceeded to throw an
imaginary football to an imaginary receiver, who ran for an
imaginary touchdown. Asking the resident what was going
on, he calmly replied, "I'm practicing for when I get outta
here; I'm going to be a quarterback in the NFL and lead my
team to the Super Bowl!" The intern noted that the resident
was making progress and proceeded to the next room.
In the next room he came upon
a resident dribbling an
imaginary basketball, faking out an imaginary defender, and
scoring, shouting, "He shoots, he scores!" The intern once
again approached the resident, inquiring about what was going
on. "When I get out of here, I'm going to the NBA and
leading my team to the Finals!" The intern, smiling, noted
once again that his patient was making progress, and continued
on to the next room.
In this room he came upon a resident
sitting on his bed, next
to a five gallon trashcan filled to the brim with peanuts.
As the intern moved closer, he noted the resident was grabbing
a handful of peanuts and masturbating. After several
repetitions of the unusual masturbation technique, the intern
proceeded to ask the resident what he was doing.
"Say, I've visited two rooms
before you and they're both
making progress. One's going to the NFL, and the other one's
going to the NBA. What in the hell are you doing?"
The resident sharply replied,
"Man, I'm fucking nuts! I
ain't never getting out of here!"
Subj: Me And My Therapist (S1044)
From: Jackie Berg in 2017
Source: (Removed from funigy.com/4417)
Subj: Marriage Counselor (S108, S754)
From: JOELFALLON on 99-02-18
After just a few years of marriage,
filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way
to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had
been at each other's throat for some time and felt that
this was their last straw. When they arrived at the
counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and
opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband
held his long face down without anything to say. On the
other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour
describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After
5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the
counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders,
kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her
back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband
who was staring in disbelief
at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband,
"Your wife NEEDS that at least three times a week! Can
you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment
and replies, "Well, I can
get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf.
Subj: Boy Pounds Head On Table - Animated GIF (S964)
From: Nesan Waran on Facebook
......I'm mesmerized by an animated GIF as an infinite loop.
......Here are more examples on my web site:
.........'Dancing Man On The 4th Of July' in Fourth_of_July
.........'ABC Rides TOURBILLON' in Movies-Supp
Subj: Psychiatrist Discuss Four Mother's Obsessions
From: CKButch4Femme in 2003 (S156, S605)
The psychiatrist was holding
a group consultation with
three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he told them.
To the first one, he said, "Your
obsession is eating. Why
you've even named your daughter Candy."
The second, he said, was obsessed
by money. "Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce:
"Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy".
At this point, the fourth mother,
Kathy, gets up, takes her
little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're
Subj: Psychology Quotes
Subj: The Hypothalamus (S358)
From: zzarry in 2003
The hypothalamus is one of the
most important parts of the
brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other
functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
A Freudian slip is when you say
one thing but mean your
From: Daemonic Funnies Page in 1997
A great many people think they are thinking when they are
merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
From: LABLaughs.com in 2002 (S287b)
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown
is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
-- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)
Subj: Short Psychology Jokes
Big Red Button (S465b,d-On Site SWF)
From: DoctorDebt in 2005
..........Source: (Removed from kontrabandcontent.co.uk)
Subj: Patient Studied By Two Students
From: trumpetz in 2002 (S261b)
A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple
of students. They look in on one patient and the psych-
iatrist says to his students, "Sometimes, this fellow
thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as
you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the
World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition
do you think he's suffering from?"
The first student replies, "Is
he a paranoid schizophrenic
with a multiple personality disorder?"
The second student says, "No,
I think he just doesn't know
whether he's Carmen or Goering."
Find The Head Test
..........in 2005 (S447)
Subj: Man Is Worried About His Dream (S218)
From: RFSlick in 2001
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned
look on his face. "Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's
that dream. I'm having it again!"
"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.
"You know," says the man, "the
one where I'm into sadism
and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried,...
or am I just beating a dead horse?"
Color And I Test(S409b)
From: JokesUncut in 2004
..........Source: (Removed from ezines4all)
Subj: Men In Psych Study (S250)
From: jerry in 2001
And I always thought that caffeine was my drug of choice!
''These guys look like rodents bar-pressing for cocaine.''
Comment made by an MIT researcher
using brain scans, that heterosexual men's reaction to
seeing a beautiful women is similar to that of a drug
addict getting a fix.
And when these men were shown
random pictures of women
for several seconds where they could extend or cut the
viewing time by pressing keys, attractive women were
viewed an average of 8.7 seconds while others were
viewed for 5.2 seconds. Men worked frantically to keep
the attractive woman's pictures up longer, pressing the
keys an average of 6,700 times in 40 minutes.
From the journal Neuron via Ananova
Psychic Quiz (S383)
From: mrx in 2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all)
Subj: A Kid, A Dog, And A Psychologist (S211)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com in 2001
My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our
five-year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our poodle's
leash. Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked,
"Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"
"I don't know how much you saw!"
Subj: Color Quiz (S380)
From: igiggle in 2004
Gives you a psychological analysis based on color preferences.
My results were amazingly accurate, almost too accurate.
Subj: Guy Thinks He Is A Teepee (S169)
From: RFSlick in 2000
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these
alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then
I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It
is driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Subj: Psychic Web Site (S316)
From: gibbz in 2003
Try and figure out this one, I can't
(Removed from cyberglass.co.uk/assets/Flash/psychic.swf)
I did it six times
45-9=36, 80-8=72, 75-12=63, 22-4=18, 51-6=45, and 11-2=9
Now go back to the web site and look again at 36 and 72 and
63 and 18 and 45. They all have the same picture each time.
What a distressing contrast there
is between the radiant
intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the
average adult. -- Sigmund Freud (in Quotes1)
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 in 1998
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I'll always have
Never trust a proctologist with
on your shoulders.
From: RFSlick in 1998
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 in 1998
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind
gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
From: humorlist-digest V3 #25 in 1999
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
From: RFSlick in 2001 (S215)
I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally
ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by
the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for
themselves." -- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2001 (S245)
"Part of the happiness of life consists not in fighting
battles but in avoiding them. A masterly retreat is in
itself a victory." -- Norman Vincent Peale
From: dogbyte in 2001 (S247)
Therapy is expensive.
Poppin' bubble wrap is cheap.
The choice is yours!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2001 (S257)
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be
quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."
-- William Dement
From: dogbyte in 2002 (S260)
Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into
"the rapist"? Simple coincidence? ( I Think NOT! )
From: CatScratch in 2002 (S264)
Insanity is hereditary.
You get it from your kids!
From: dogbyte in 2002 (S270c)
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2002 (S270c)
A good listener is usually thinking about something
else. -- Kin Hubbard
From: LABLaughs.com in 2002 (S280b)
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is
called a philosopher. -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
From: LABLaughs.com in 2002 (S291b)
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than
to be sane and have one's doubts. -- G. B. Burgin
From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2002 (S294b)
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then
it's you." -- Rita Mae Brown.
From: dogbyte in 2002 (S300b)
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing nothing but a
pair of shorts made from plastic wrap. The psychiatrist
says, "Well,... I can clearly see you're nuts!"
From: LABLaughs.com in 2002 (S301b)
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
-- Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)
From: LABLaughsClean in 2005 (S418b
"Change has a considerable psychological impact on the
human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because
it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it
is encouraging because things may get better. To the
confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists
to make things better. " -- King Whitney Jr.
From: igiggle uin 2003 (S333b)
Is there such a thing as a closet claustrophobic?
From: My neighbor Lee in 2001 (S255)
Q: What Christmas Carol was sung by the schizoid?
A: It begins 'Do you know who I know'.
From: igiggle in 2004 (S362b)
Q: What happened when the psychologist
taught his dog to eat when a bell rang?
A: The dog ate the Avon lady.