Subj: School3 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 85 jokes and articles)
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Subj: School3 Jokes (Gz) (Includes 85 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for School-Supp |
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Hilighters from Animation Factory |
SCHOOL1 and 2 contains jokes
SCHOOL3 contains jokes and short jokes
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| Subj:
Palisades High School Answering Machine (S471)
From: jtgalvan on 1/23/2006 |
 |
from Palsisades
Charter
High School Symbol |
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Subj: Teacher
Gets To Know Kids (S270b, S468)
From: gheckman on 3/31/2002
and
From: hellgunner50 on 1/8/2006
It's the first day of school
in Houston and the teacher
thought she'd get to know the
kids by asking them their
name and what their father does
for a living.
The first little girl says: "My
name is Mary and my daddy
is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My
name is Jimmy and my father
is a striptease dancer in a
cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly
changes the subject, but
later in the school yard the
teacher approaches Jimmy
privately and asks if it was
really true that his Dad
dances nude in a gay bar. He
blushed and said,
"No," the boy said, "He
works for the Democratic National
Committee and is helping to
secure the nomination of Hilary
Clinton, but I was too embarrassed
to say that in front of
the other kids."
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| Subj:
Teacher Gets To Know Kids II (S357, S569c)
From: JBCARY1 on 12/4/2003 . |
 |
Little
Johnny
from Yahoo! Images |
"My father's an exotic dancer
in a gay cabaret and takes
off all his clothes in front
of other men. Sometimes, if
the offer's really good, he'll
go out to the alley with
some guy and make love with
him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken
by this statement, hurriedly
set the other children to work
on some coloring, and took
Little Johnny aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about
your father?"
“No," said Johnny, "He plays
for the OAKLAND RAIDERS, but
I was too embarrassed to say
so."
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Subj: Night
Before School Starts (S239)
From: tnkr on 8/24/2001
Actually, I think this applies
more to our teacher nightmares
than the thoughts of our kids.....which,
while I think about
it, it says a LOT for us as
their teachers.
Look Out!!!
by Max Fatchan
The witches mumble horrid chants,
You're scolded by five thousand ants,
A martian pulls a fearsome face
And hurls you into Outer Space,
You're tied in front of whistling trains,
A tomahawk has sliced your brains,
The tigers snarl, the giants roar,
You're sat on by a dinosaur.
In vain you're shouting ''Help'' and ''Stop''
The walls are spinning like a top,
The earth is melting in the sun
And all the horror's just begun.
And, oh, the screams, the thumping hearts
That awful night before school starts.
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|
Subj:
Presents 'To The Teacher' (S232)
From: BennoRo on 7/5/2001 . Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images |
This was unusual... The
teacher asked "Children, who
wrote this on the board?"
Little Johnny raised his hand,
"I did teacher." So she
asked, "What does it mean?"
He said, "To the teacher, one
apple." He went up and
gave her an apple. She
said, "Thank You."
The next morning she arrived
to find another cryptic note
on the blackboard: " T
T T l O "
"Children, who wrote this on the board?" the teacher asked.
Bobby raised his hand and said
"I did teacher." She
asked, "Well Bobby, what does
that mean?"
He said, "To the teacher, one
orange," and he gave her
an orange. "Very good,"
says the teacher, "Thank You."
The following day when she got
to class she noticed
another note: " F U C
K l T ."
This was disappointing.
The teacher roared "WHO WROTE
THAT ON THE BOARD?!" Little
Pepito raised his hand,
"I did teacher." "Well
what does this mean, Pepito?"
"It means: From us Chicano kids, one tamale."
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Subj: New
School Prayer (S169, S468b)
From: TAdams on 4/18/00
and
From: DoctorDebt on 1/10/2006
Since the Pledge of Allegiance
and The Lord's Prayer are
not allowed in most public schools
anymore because the
word "God" is mentioned....
a teen in Bagdad, Arizona
wrote the New School Prayer.
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the
rule
For this great nation under
God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange
or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom
scene.
The law is specific, the law
is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious
vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no
faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by
the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress
like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues
and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST
the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes
me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior
Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior
King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach
right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments"
do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth
controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and
totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are
not allowed,
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's
a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I
make:
Should I be shot;
My soul please take!
Amen
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Subj: Man
Dies And Goes To Heaven (S166, S337)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 04/02/2000
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/8/2003
Moved to
'Being Asked About Salary At The Pearly Gates'
in HEAVEN2
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Subj: Japanese
Student's First Day (S161, S480b)
From: RFSlick on 2/26/00
and
From: drgolfmd on 4/5/2006
It was the first day of school
and a new student, Toshiba,
the son of a Japanese businessman,
entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class
and said, "Let's begin by
reviewing some American history.
Who said "Give me Liberty,
or give me death?" She
saw only a sea of blank faces,
except for that of Toshiba,
who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "Who
said 'Government of the
people, by the people, for the
people shall not perish
from the earth?"
Again, no response except from
Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln,
1863."
The teacher snapped at the class,
" All of you should be
ashamed. Toshiba, who is new
to our country, knows more
about her than you do."
As she turned to write something
on the blackboard, she
heard a loud whisper: "Damned
Japanese." "Who said that?"
she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely
disgusted by Toshiba's
classroom knowledge superiority,
a student in the back
sighed, "I'm gonna throw up".
Teacher says "who said that?".
Again, Toshiba raises his hand
and says "George Bush to
Japanese Prime Minister, 1991".
Now furious, another student
yells, "Oh yeah? well suck
my #@%?...."
Once again, it's Toshiba with
the answer, "Bill Clinton,
to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.
Now with almost a mob hysteria
someone said, " You little
shit if you ever say anything
else I will have you killed."
Suzuki is frantic and yells at
the top of his voice, "Gary
Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around, one of
the kids says, "Oh damn, now
we're in big trouble!"
Suzuki says, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser
at Suzuki, someone else
shouted "Duck"!
Teacher asked "Who said that? "
Suzuki says, "Dick Cheney 2006!"
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| Subj: Female Teacher
Kicks Three Boys Out of Class
(S151, S529c) From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 12/21/1999 |
|
Little
Johnny
from Yahoo! Images |
A young female teacher was giving
an assignment to her
Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she
started writing high up on the
chalkboard. Suddenly there
was a giggle from one of the
boys in the class. She
quickly turned and asked, "What's
so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she
yells, "I don't want to see
you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the
chalkboard. Realizing she
had forgotten to title the assignment;
she reaches to the
very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even
louder giggle from another male
student. She quickly turns
and asks,"What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of
my classroom!" This time the
punishment is more severe, "I
don't want to see you for
three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she
drops the eraser when she
turns around again. So
she bends over to pick it up. This
time there is an burst of laughter
from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little
Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
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Subj: What
A Teacher Does (S129b)
From: smiles on 6/22/99
This is from a brand new teacher ......
Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into
that room with all those kids,
and fill their every waking
moment with a love for learning.
Not only that, I'm to instill
a sense of pride in their
ethnicity, behaviorally modify
disruptive behavior, and
observe them for signs of abuse.
I am to fight racism, patriotism,
the war on drugs and
sexually transmitted diseases,
check their backpacks for
guns and raise their self-esteem.
I'm to teach them good citizenship,
sportsmanship and fair
play, how and where to register
to vote, how to balance a
checkbook and how to apply for
a job, but I am never to ask
if they are in this country
illegally.
I am to check their heads occasionally
for lice, maintain a
safe environment, recognize
signs of potential antisocial
behavior, offer advice, write
letters of recommendation for
student employment and scholarships,
encourage a respect for
the cultural diversity of others,
and, oh yeah, teach, always
making sure that I give the
girls in my class fifty percent
of my attention.
I'm required by my contract to
be working on my own time
(summers and evenings) and at
my own expense towards
additional certification, advanced
certification and a
master's degree, to sponsor
the cheerleaders or the
sophomore class (my choice)
and after school.
I am to attend committee and
faculty meetings and
participate in staff development
training to maintain my
current certification and employment
status.
I am to be a paragon of virtue
larger than life, such that
my very presence will
awe my students into being obedient
and respectful of authority.
I am to purchase supplies, room
decorations, bulletin board
supplies, supplies for children
who can't afford them, and
luxury items such as scissors,
glue, scotch tape, paper
clips, note book paper, red
pens, and markers with my own
money as there is no money in
the budget for these items.
I'm to do all of this with just
a piece of chalk, a few
books and a bulletin board,
and on a starting salary that
qualifies my family for food
stamps in many states.
Is that all? Work like you don't
need the money, Love like
you've never been hurt before,
and Dance like no one is
watching!
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Subj: Laws
Of Teaching (S129b)
From: smiles on 6/22/99
Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.
A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.
The time a teacher takes in explaining
is inversely
proportional to
the information retained by students.
A meeting's length will be directly
proportional to the
boredom the speaker
produces.
The problem child will be a school board member's son.
When the instructor is late,
he will meet the principal
in the hall.
If the instructor is late and
does not meet the principal,
the instructor
is late to the faculty meeting.
New students come from schools that do not teach anything.
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Subj: Homework
Policy (S119)
From: Anaise on 5/10/99
Here is an explanation of our homework policy :
Students should not spend more
than 90 minutes per night.
The time should be budgeted
in the following manner:
--15 minutes looking for
assignment
--11 minues calling a
friend for the assignment
--23 minutes explaining
to parents why the teacher is mean
and just does not like children
---8 minutes in the bathroom
--10 minutes getting a
snack
---7 minutes checking
the TV Guide
---6 minutes telling parents
that the teacher
never explained the homework
--10 minutes sitting at
the kitchen table waiting
for Mom to do the assignment
LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS:
These are given the night before
they are due. This explains
the name "long term".
It is a long term commitment to time
that begins at 9:30PM and ends
at 11:50PM. It is important
that the whole family is involved
in the project. It is
imperative that at least one
family member race to Walmart
for posterboard, and that one
family member ends up in tears
(does not have to be the student).
One parent needs to stay up and
complete the project. The
other parent needs to call the
school and leave a message
that the student is out sick.
It is not necessary to have the
student's name on the
assignment.
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Subj: PUZZLE
- Calculating Teacher's Age (S119)
From: collins2 on 5/11/99
Mrs. Porter's students were singing
"happy birthday" to her
when playfully they warbled,
"How old are you?"
"It's not polite to ask a lady
about her age, but there is
a way in which you can figure
it out for yourselves...by
doing a little math."
With that, the instructor presented
the following mind-
stretchers to her curious scholars.
"Some months have 30 days; others
have 3l. But how many
have 28?
"If a basket's filled with 20
apples and you take away
seven of them, how many do you
have?
A farmer has 80 head of cattle
and all but 30 are sold.
How many does he have left?
"How many animals of each gender did Moses take on the Ark?
"How many birthdays does the average person have?"
Smiling, Mrs. Porter directed,
"Now, all that you have to
do is take the answers to each
of the five questions and
add them together. The
figure you come up with will tell
you which birthday I'm celebrating
today."
By our calculations, the answers
are:
l2 (every month has at least
28 days).
7 (you took them).
30 (the cattle that weren't
sold).
0 (Noah, not Moses, captained
the Ark).
l (you are only born once).
With a little addition, it's
elementary, the teacher
turned 50.
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|
Subj:
Class Learns Stories With Morals (S116, S487b)
From: Tom_Adams on 4/14/99 and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/23/2006 Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images |
The teacher gave her fifth grade
class an assignment: get
their parents to tell them a
story with a moral at the end
of it. The next day the
kids came back and one by one began
to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer
and we have a lot of egg-
laying hens. One time
we were taking our eggs to market in
a basket on the front seat of
the pickup when we hit a bump
in the road and all the eggs
went flying and broke and made
a mess"
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the
meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they
hatched we only got ten live
chicks. And the moral to this
story is, don't count your chickens
until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny do you have a story to
share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me
this story about my uncle Bob.
Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam
and his plane got hit. He
had to bail out over enemy territory
and all he had was a
bottle of whiskey, a machine
gun and a machete. He drank
the whiskey on the way down
so it wouldn't break and then
he landed right in the middle
of 100 enemy troops. He
killed seventy of them with
the machine gun until he ran
out of bullets, then he killed
twenty more with the machete
till the blade broke and then
he killed the last ten with
his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified
teacher, " What kind of
moral did your daddy tell you
from that horrible story?"
"Don't f*** with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
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| Subj:
Little Johnny Learns About Sex In School (S111)
From: RFSlick on 99-03-13 (See 'Fourteen Year Old Has First Sex' on Sex1 |
|
Little
Johnny
from Yahoo! Images |
Little Johnny returns from school
and upon being greeted by
his mother is immediately asked,
"What did you learn today
in school Johnny?" He
answers that he learned about sex
today in class. His mother
asked him just what was taught.
Johmmy said he learned about
vaginas, penises, Coitus, human
anatomy and fondling genitalia
including masturbation. His
mother became enraged and sent
him to his room telling him
to await the arrival of his
father from work.
In the interim she called her
sister on the phone and
explained the tragedy to her.
Her sister being a few years
her junior and a little more
current with the times, persuaded
her that these are the 90's
and that sex is now being taught
in school.
Mother went to Johnny's room,
and entering without first
knocking, walks in on him, and
catches him masturbating.
She immediately say's to him,
"When you get done with your
homework, you can watch T. V."
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Subj: Teacher's
Salaries (S105, S325)
From: RFSlick on 4/24/2003
Typed by AJSwitzer
I'm fed up with teachers and
their hefty salary schedules.
What we need is a little perspective.
If I had my way, I'd
pay these teachers myself.
I'd pay them babysitting wages.
That's right-instead of paying
these outrageous taxes, I'd
give them $3.00 an hour out
of my own pocket. And I'm only
going to pay them for 5 hours,
not for any coffee breaks.
That would be $15.00 a day-each
parent should pay $15.00 a
day for these teachers to babysit
their child. Even if they
have more than one child, it's
still a lot cheaper than
private daycare.
Now, how many children do they
teach a day-maybe 20? That's
$15.00 times 20 equals $300.00.
But remember, they only work
180 days a year! I'm not
going to pay them for all these
vacations. $300.00 times
180 equals $54,000 (Hold on a minute,
I think my calculator isn't
working right.)
I know teachers will ask what
about those teachers who have
10 or more years of experience
and a Master's degree? Well,
maybe (to be fair) they could
get minimum wage, and instead
of just babysitting, they could
read the kids a story or
something. We could round
that off to $5.00 an hour, times
20 children. That's $500.00
a day times 180 days. That's
$90,000.
Huh? Wait a minute, let's
get a perspective here. Baby-
sitting wages are too good for
these teachers. Where did
we put that salary schedule?
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Subj: The
Sister's 'List Of Names' Assignment (S92, S393b)
From: LADY97BBW on 98-10-31
and
From: Imogenelumen on 8/11/2004
Please Note: This is a warm story and not a joke.
He was in the first third grade
class I taught at Saint
Mary's School in Morris, Minn.
All 34 of my students were
dear to me, but Mark Eklund
was one in a million. Very
neat in appearance, but had
that happy-to-be-alive attitude
that made even his occasional
mischievousness delightful.
Mark talked incessantly.
I had to remind him again and
again that talking without permission
was not acceptable.
What impressed me so much, though,
was his sincere response
every time I had to correct
him for misbehaving - "Thank
you for correcting me, Sister!"
I didn't know what to make
of it at first, but before long
I became accustomed to
hearing it many times a day.
One morning my patience was growing
thin when Mark talked
once too often, and then I made
a novice-teacher's mistake.
I looked at Mark and said, "If
you say one more word, I am
going to tape your mouth shut!"
It wasn't ten seconds
later when Chuck blurted out,
"Mark is talking again." I
hadn't asked any of the students
to help me watch Mark,
but since I had stated the punishment
in front of the
class, I had to act on it.
I remember the scene as if it
had occurred this morning.
I walked to my desk, very deliberately
opened by drawer
and took out a roll of masking
tape. Without saying a
word, I proceeded to Mark's
desk, tore off two pieces of
tape and made a big X with them
over his mouth. I then
returned to the front of the
room. As I glanced at Mark
to see how he was doing, he
winked at me.
That did it!! I started
laughing. The class cheered as
I walked back to Mark's desk,
removed the tape, and
shrugged my shoulders.
His first words were, "Thank you
for correcting me, Sister."
At the end of the year, I was
asked to teach junior-high
math. The years flew by,
and before I knew it Mark was
in my classroom again.
He was more handsome than ever
and just as polite. Since
he had to listen carefully to
my instruction in the "new math,"
he did not talk as much
in ninth grade as he had in
third. One Friday, things
just didn't feel right.
We had worked hard on a new
concept all week, and I sensed
that the students were
frowning, frustrated with themselves
- and edgy with one
another.
I had to stop this crankiness
before it got out of hand.
So I asked them to list the
names of the other students
in the room on two sheets of
paper, leaving a space
between each name. Then
I told them to think of the
nicest thing they could say
about each of their class-
mates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the
class period to finish their
assignment, and as the
students left the room, each
one handed me the papers.
Charlie smiled. Mark said,
"Thank you for teaching me,
Sister. Have a good weekend."
That Saturday, I wrote down the
name of each student on
a separate sheet of paper, and
I listed what everyone
else had said about that individual.
On Monday I gave
each student his or her list.
Before long, the entire
class was smiling. "Really?"
I heard whispered. "I
never knew that meant anything
to anyone!" "I didn't
know others liked me so much."
No one ever mentioned
those papers in class again.
I never knew if they
discussed them after class or
with their parents, but
it didn't matter. The
exercise had accomplished its
purpose. The students
were happy with themselves and
one another again.
That group of students moved
on. Several years later,
after I returned from vacation,
my parents met me at
the airport. As we were
driving home, Mother asked me
the usual questions about the
trip - the weather, my
experiences in general.
There was a lull in the
conversation. Mother gave
Dad a side-ways glance and
simply says, "Dad?" My
father cleared his throat as he
usually did before something
important.
"The Eklunds called last night,"
he began. "Really?" I
said. "I haven't heard
from them in years. I wonder
how Mark is." Dad responded
quietly. "Mark was killed
in Vietnam," he said. "The funeral
is tomorrow, and his
parents would like it if you
could attend." To this
day I can still point to the
exact spot on I-494 where
Dad told me about Mark.
I had never seen a serviceman
in a military coffin before.
Mark looked so handsome,
so mature.
All I could think at that moment
was, Mark I would give
all the masking tape in the
world if only you would talk
to me. The church was
packed with Mark's friends. Chuck's
sister sang "The Battle Hymn
of the Republic." Why did it
have to rain on the day of the
funeral? It was difficult
enough at the graveside.
The pastor said the usual
prayers, and the bugler played
taps. One by one those who
loved Mark took a last walk
by the coffin and sprinkled
it with holy water. I
was the last one to bless the
coffin. As I stood there,
one of the soldiers who acted
as pallbearer came up to me.
"Were you Mark's math
teacher?" he asked. I
nodded as I continued to stare at
the coffin. "Mark talked about
you a lot," he said. After
the funeral, most of Mark's
former classmates headed to
Chuck's farmhouse for lunch.
Mark's mother and father
were there, obviously waiting
for me. "We want to show
you something," his father said,
taking a wallet out of
his pocket. "They found
this on Mark when he was killed.
We thought you might recognize
it."
Opening the billfold, he carefully
removed two worn
pieces of notebook paper that
had obviously been taped,
folded and refolded many times.
I knew without looking
that the papers were the ones
on which I had listed all
the good things each of Mark's
classmates had said about
him. "Thank you so much for
doing that," Mark's mother
said. "As you can see,
Mark treasured it."
Mark's classmates started to
gather around us. Charlie
smiled rather sheepishly and
said, "I still have my list.
It's in the top drawer of my
desk at home." Chuck's wife
said, "Chuck asked me to put
his in our wedding album."
"I have mine too," Marilyn said.
"It's in my diary."
Then Vicki, another classmate,
reached into her pocketbook,
took out her wallet and showed
her worn and frazzled list
to the group. "I carry
this with me at all times," Vicki
said without batting an eyelash.
"I think we all saved
our lists." That's when I finally
sat down and cried.
I cried for Mark and for all
his friends who would never
see him again.
THE END
Written by: Sister Helen
P. Mrosla
The purpose of this letter is
to encourage everyone to
compliment the people you love
and care about. We often
tend to forget the importance
of showing our affections
and love. Sometimes the
smallest of things, could mean
the most to another. The
density of people in society
is so thick that we forget that
life will end one day.
We don't know when that one
day will be. Please, I beg
of you, to tell the people you
love and care for, that
they are special and important.
Tell them, before it is
too late.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
School Jokes
 |
Subj:
Irish Girl Calls Demolition Company (S511 in Contractor)
From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2006 Drawing from Ginny Prior Media Services |
This 1,500 KB radio broadcast
is a call by a young Irish
girl to a demolition company.
She asks them to destroy
her school. You can listen
to the funny recording on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: Nursery
Students Learn Of Freedom (S285b)
From: morinhome on 7/17/2002
For the Fourth of July a nursery
school teacher took the
opportunity to tell her class
about patriotism.
"We live in a great country,"
she said. "One of the
things we should be happy is
that, in this country, we
are all free."
One little boy came walking up
to her from the back of
the room. He stood with
his hands on his hips and said:
"I'm not free. I'm four."
Top
Subj: Boys
Vs Girls In School (S254b)
From: jerry on 12/10/2001
Why a man needs a woman.
A University of Hong Kong study
claims that while girls
perform better academically
in all-girl schools, boys'
academic results suffer in all-boy
schools.
Even in co-educational classes
girls outperformed boys
in most subjects.
Specifically girls did much better
in science without
boys around and boys did particularly
badly in the arts
without girls being around.
While kind of on the subject,
reading this reminded me
of something Red Skeleton once
said: "We all make
mistakes, but married men find
out about theirs sooner."
South China Morning Post 1-Dec-01
Top
Subj: Teaching
German (S251)
From: jerry on 11/19/2001
Newt Gingrich, for his attempt
to explain how teachers
should and should not be selected:
"You can now get a certificate
to teach German by sitting
through enough classes, but
if you speak German, you can't
teach German, you can't teach
German if you don't have a
certificate. So you can
have a German teacher who can't
speak German but they have the
certificate so they can
teach, even though they can't
teach.
If you can speak it, you can't
teach it, even if you could
teach it. Are you with
me so far?"
Top
Subj: A Test
Of Courage In School (S248)
From: jerry on 10/30/2001
Schools who don't keep their
students busy enough.
Bonehead award two goes to three
teenagers in Mount
Vision, New York from the Morris
Central School who,
as a test of courage, or more
accurately a testament
to their stupidity, shot each
other in the leg with a
.22 caliber rifle.
They've been charged with second-degree
assault. They
will recover from their physical
wounds.
Associated Press via Newsday
(Long Island, NY) 27-Oct-01
Top
Subj: Teacher
Arrested (S244)
From: jerry on 10/1/2001
Bonehead award four, a ''stupidest
excuse in the world
bonehead award'' goes to a Milwaukee
Public School High
School teacher who, after being
arrested for possession
of child pornography, after
asking the school librarian
to make a copy of a video showing
two of the students
having sex, explained that he
wanted a copy because,
among other things, he wanted
to strengthen his student/
teacher relationship with the
young man.
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel 14-Sep-01
Top
Subj: Illinois
Teacher Tests (S241)
From: bonehead on 9/10/2001
According to the Chicago Sun-Times,
5,243 Illinois teachers
failed 24 out of 25 teacher
competency tests, many of the
tests being at the eighth and
ninth grade level.
Chicago Sun-Times 6-Sep-01
Top
Subj: Teacher
Discusses Blood Circulation (S216, S451)
From: RFSlick on 3/18/2001
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/7/2005 (S451b - political2)
A teacher was giving a lesson
on the circulation of the
blood. Trying to make
the matter clearer, she said, "Now,
class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know,
would run into it, and I would
turn red in the face."
"Yes" the class said. "Then why
is it that while I am
standing upright in the ordinary
position, the blood
doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause yer feet ain't empty."
Top
Subj: Note
Sent Home From The Teacher (S206)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com ON 1/5/2001
Joey's teacher send a note home
to his mother saying, "Joey
seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his
time thinking about sex and
girls."
Joey's mother wrote back the
very next day, "If you find a
solution, please advise. I have
the same problem with his
father."
Top
Subj: Teacher's
Discipline Solution (S186)
From: rlr29 on 8/22/00
A school teacher injured his
back and had to wear a plaster
cast around the upper part of
his body. It fit under his
shirt and was not noticeable
at all.
On the first day of the term,
still with the cast under his
shirt, he found himself assigned
to the toughest students
in school. Walking confidently
into the rowdy classroom,
he opened the window as wide
as possible and then busied
himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his
tie flap, he took the desk
stapler and stapled the tie
to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
| Top
Subj: Stand Up If You're Stupid (S135) From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 8/27/99 |
|
Little
Johnny
from Yahoo! Images |
Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am,
but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself."
Top
Subj: Teaching
Vincent Math (S130)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/28/99
Teacher: If you had one dollar
and you asked your father
for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher: You don't know your
arithmetic.
Vincent: You don't know my father.
Top
Subj: Columbine
Jokes (S129)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #308 on 6/21/99
2 Black Trench coats: $140
2 Semi Automatic Rifles: $1200
2 Ski Masks: $10
2 Ammunition Magazines: $19.
The look on your classmates'
faces: Priceless.
Some things money can't buy.
For everything else,
there's MasterCard
Q: What is the difference between
The Trench Coat Mafia
and NATO in Kosovo?
A: About a year of meticulous
planning....
Top
Subj: Kindergardners
See Flag (S120)
From: mbucher on 5/20/99
The kindergarten teacher was
showing her class an encyc-
lopedia page picturing several
national flags. She
pointed to the American flag
and asked, "What flag is this?"
A little girl called out, That's
the flag of our country."
"Very good," the teacher said.
"And what is the name of our
country?" 'Tis of thee,"
the girl said confidently.
Top
Subj: How
Long Should This Report Be? (DU)
From: Joke-of-the-day on Friday, April 9,1999
at http://www.joke-of-the-day.com/
Student: "How long do you want
this report to be?"
Teacher: "I would like you to
think of this paper
much like a lady's dress - long
enough to cover the
subject, yet short enough to
keep it interesting."
Top
Subj: Mother
Wakes Son For School (S91)
From: icohen on 98-09-22
Early one morning, a mother
went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one,
and the teachers
hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to
go to school. Come on
now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years
old.
And for another, you're the
PRINCIPAL!"
|
|
Subj:
Little Johnny In A Spelling Bee (S46)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #270 on 97-12-08 Little Johnny from Yahoo! Images |
Little Johnny stood up and proudly
said "E-A-R". Then to
use it in a sentence, he pretended
to take a big hit off a
joint and then while pretending
to have his lungs full of
smoke he pretended to pass the
joint to Little Suzy and
said, "Ear."
In 1900 one in ten US adults
couldn't read or write. Only
6 percent of all Americans had
graduated from high school.
A teacher asked Lil' Suzy, "Please
punctuate the following
sentence: 'Fun fun fun worry
worry worry.'"
Lil' Suzy thought for a moment
and began her reply, "Let's
see 'Fun period fun period fun
no period worry worry worry!'"
Never let your schooling interfere with your education. (S11)
Some students drink at the fountain
of knowledge, others
just gargle. (S11)
If there were no schools to take
the children away from
home, the insane asylum would
be filled with mothers.
-- Edgar Watson Howe
(S11)
If you took all the students
that felt asleep in class and
laid them end to end,
they'd be a lot more comfortable. (S11)
One advantage of being an elementary
school teacher as
opposed to working as
a high school teacher is that it's
easier to get a parking
space every morning. (S11)
If you think education is expensive,
try ignorance.
- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
(S11)
Quotes from Famous Economist:
Football has as much
to do with Education as Bullfighting
has
to Agriculture.
Sports makes higher education
palatable for students who
do not belong.
-- Veblen
A school board in Maine that
had 'Black Beauty' pulled from
the shelves in the mistaken
belief that it had something
to do with sexy females
of African ancestry.
Strikebound L.A. teachers rejected
the school districts
latest offer saying it
was copied from a previous offer,
contained too many erasures
and misspellings, and was
turned in late.
From the L.A. Times: 70% of big
city schools now have metal
detectors. This
is a great idea. Now they can tell if a
student has really been
shot or if they're just faking it
to get out of a test.
Clarence Notree, a Chicago gym
teacher, reacted to a gunman
shooting at his students
by herding the stunned children
out a door to safety,
but was himself hit in the hand.
After a hearing, the
Illinois Industrial Commission awarded
the 19-year veteran $13,447
in Worker's Compensation for
his injury. But
the Chicago Board of Education appealed
the ruling, saying that
saving the children's lives was
not part of a physical
education teacher's job. After an
outcry, the Board agreed
to approve the claim.
A student questioned his 0 on
a test. "But these are the
same answers as Tran,
and he got hundred percent." "Tran
had a different test."
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
From: ipkis on 97-12-06 (S46)
Miss Jones had been giving her
second-grade students a
lesson on science.
She had explained about magnets and
showed how they would
pick up nails and other bits of
iron. Now it was
question time and she asked, "My name
begins with the letter
`M' and I pick up things. What
am I?" A little
boy on the front row said, "You're a
mother."
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer
in public schools.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately
it kills
all its students!
From: RFSlick on 98-05-08
"It's our our job to prepare
kids for what they will be
using tomorrow,
not what people are using today ..."
---
Houston K-12 teacher
From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
i souport publik edekashun.
From: auntieg on 98-05-20
My kid had sex with your honor
student.
From: humorlist-digest V3 #25 on 99-01-27
The Minnesota Board of Education
voted to consider
requiring all students
to do some "volunteer work"
as a prerequisite to
high school graduation.
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 3/13/00
(S165)
"Everyone has feelings, except
for snakes and principals."
-- Donna
Maria G, age 9
From: mombear1 on 7/22/2001 (S234)
"In elementary school, in case
of fire you have to line
up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic? Do
tall people burn slower?"
-- Warren Hutcherson
From: KMACINTY on 8/2/2001 (S237)
"You couldn't get a clue during
the clue mating season in
a field full of horny clues
if you smeared your body with
clue musk and did the clue mating
dance." - Edward Flaherty
(It's perfect for students who
don't do their homework and
wonder why their grades are
falling.) -- Kirsten
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/7/2002 (S258)
"I won't say ours was a tough
school, but we had our own
coroner. We used to write
essays like 'What I'm Going
to be If I Grow Up.'"
-- Lenny Bruce
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/17/2002 (S264,
S473)
"The illiterate of the 21st
century will not be those
who cannot read and write,
but those who cannot learn,
unlearn, and relearn."
-- Alvin Toffler
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/5/2002 (S266c)
"Education's purpose is to replace
an empty mind with
an open one." -- Malcolm
S. Forbes
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/28/2002 (S269c)
Human history becomes more and
more a race between
education and catastrophe. --
H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
From: Newsweek, October 2,2000, Page
42 (S191)
"By the time students graduate
from high school, they've
spent a full year being taught
by substitutes,...
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/21/2002 (S273c)
"There's many a bestseller that
could have been prevented
by a good teacher." --
Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/6/2002 (S275)
"Good teaching is one-fourth
preparation and
three-fourths theater."
-- Gail Godwin
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/26/2003 (S339)
A teacher affects eternity:
he can never tell where his
influence stops. -- Henry
[Brooks] Adams (1838 - 1918)
It is the supreme art of the
teacher to awaken joy in
creative expression and
knowledge. -- Albert Einstein
Teaching should be such that
what is offered is preceived
as a valuable gift and
not as a hard duty." -- Albert Einstein
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/17/2002 (S294b)
I have never let my schooling
interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
From: Anon. Junior on 4/13/2006 (S482c)
In the first place, God made
idiots. That was for practice.
Then he made school boards.
-- Mark Twain.
It is noble to teach oneself,
it is still nobler to teach others.
-- Mark Twain (in Quotes2)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/7/2008 (S573b)
"Education consists mainly in
what we have unlearned."
-- Mark Twain
From the book "Teacher Laughs" by Allen
Klein (S582b)
Gramercy Books, New York
When a teacher calls a boy by
his entire name,
it means trouble. -- Mark
Twain
For more Twain quotes see 'Twain
on Government' in POLITICAL2.
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/8/2002 (S279b)
Education is a progressive discovery
of our own ignorance.
-- Will Durant
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/30/2002 (S287b)
Learning is what most adults
will do for a living in the
21st century. -- Perelman
From: dogbyte on 9/6/2002 (S292b)
I suhport publik edukashun
Q: Why is a diploma like a condom?
A: It's rolled up when you get
it, it represents a lot
of effort, it's
worthless the next day.
Q: Why did the doctor bring his
eyechart into the classroom?
A: Because he wanted to test
the pupils!
Q: Did you hear about the teacher
who was fired
for being cross-eyed?
A: She couldn't control her
pupils.
Neal's Nasty Free Filthy Daily Dirty
Joke For 2/9/97
Q: Did you hear about the new
sex ed film on VD
that they're showing
to first graders?
A: It's called See Dick Run.
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
Q: What do you call a guy who
never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Two smileys at school from
Smiley_Central |