Subj: Science1 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 69 jokes and articles)
Microscope from
Animated Cliparts
| >>>
Subj: Science1 Jokes (Gz) (Includes 69 jokes and articles) |
|
Microscope from Animated Cliparts |
Also see ACCIDENTS1 - 'Francis
Bacon's Death'
BEARS file - 'Two
Foreign Scientists Study Grizzlys'
BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'FAA Test'
CHEMISTRY - 'Scientists
Discover New Element'
......................-
(the whole file)
CHICKEN file - 'Why
Did The Chicken...(Scientists)?'
JUDGE file - 'Carl
Sagan Sues'
MATH1 file - (all the files)
MATH2 file - (the whole file)
MATH3 file - (the whole file)
MATH4 file - (the whole file)
MATH5 file - (the whole file)
MATH6 file - (the whole file)
PHYSICS1 - (the whole
file)
PHYSICS2 - (the whole
file)
PHYSICS3 - (the whole
file)
STARTREK_SPC2- 'Armageddon
Asteroids'
WORD_JOKES1 - 'The
First Human Clone'
=============================================================Top
| Subj:
Mammatus Clouds (S457b)
Photos by Jorn Olsen From: auntiegah on 10/22/2005 |
 |
Jorn said, "Like any aviator,
I've seen clouds before, but
these are unreal; beautiful,
and netherworldly." Jorn Olsen
works for the Dutton-Lainson
Co. in Hastings, Nebraska, and
lives next to Hastings College.
The other night he took
these photos and posted them
to his web site at
http://www.jornolsen.com.
The stadium lights are at the
Hastings College stadium just
east of his home. The
clouds are called Mammatus clouds
and there's a link on this URL
that tells about them. They
do not precede a tornado, or
fortell a storm, but are formed
when the air is already saturated
with rain droplets and/or
ice crystals and begins
to sink. The worst of the storm is
usually over when these kind
of clouds are seen. They are
quite rare, but really beautiful.
You can view these six photos
at the source above, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Conversion
Factors For the New Millenium (S135, S417b)
From: foodphd@wwdb.org
Typed by AJSwitzer@aol.com
1 million microphones ...............
= 1 megaphone
2 million bycycles ..................
= 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds ...................
= two kilomockingbirds
52 cards ............................
= 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory ........................
= 1 demijohn
1 millionth of a fish ...............
= 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers ...............
= 1 pound cake
10 rations ..........................
= 1 decoration
100 rations .........................
= 1 C-ration
10 millipedes .......................
= 1 centipede
3-1/3 tridents ......................
= 1 decadent
10 monologues .......................
= 5 dialogues
2 monograms .........................
= 1 diagram
8 nickels ...........................
= 2 paradigms
2 baby sitters ......................
= 1 gramma grampa
1 million piccolos ..................
= 1 gigolo
2 snake eyes ........................
= 1 paradise
100 billion decagons ................
= 1 tarragon
1 Lucy ..............................
= 1 deciarnez
From: dmswitzer1325@charter.net on
1/23/2005
2000 lbs of Chinese soup ............
= Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash ..........
= 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel
and
smacking the pavement ...... = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries
with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards
at
1 nautical
mile per hour ....... = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone
...... = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine ...........
= 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches ....................
= 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis ...........
= 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two
jokes . = A straight line
365.25 days .........................
= 1 unicycle
1 kilogram of falling figs ..........
= 1 Fig Newton
1000 milliliters of wet socks
....... = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish ...............
= 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins .....................
= 1 terrapin
4 nickels ...........................
= 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous
surgical
tubing at Yale University Hospital
.. = 1 IV League
100 Senators ........................
= Not 1 decision
\\\//
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Subj: Message
From An Alien Civilization (S107, DU)
From: a_fool on 99-02-12
Scientists decode the first message from an alien civilization...
Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of
hydrogen to the star system
at the top of the list, cross
off that star system, then put your
star system at the bottom of
the list and send it to 100 other
star systems. Within one-tenth
of a galactic rotation you will
receive enough hydrogen to power
your civilization until entropy
reaches its maximum! IT REALLY
WORKS!
\\\//
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Subj: The
Night Before Christmas, Scientifically Explained (DU)
From: smiles on 98-12-11
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the
diurnal period preceding
the annual yuletide celebration,
and throughout our place
of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among
the possessors of this potential,
including that species
of domestic rodent known as
Mus musculus. Hosiery was
meticulously suspended from
the forward edge of the wood-
burning caloric apparatus, pursuant
to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent
visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the
honorific title,of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably
ensconced in their
respective accommodations of
repose, were experiencing
subconscious visual hallucinations
of variegated fruit
confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebra. My
conjugal partner and I, attired
in our nocturnal cranial
coverings, were about to take
slumbrous advantage of the
hibernal darkness when upon
the avenaceous exterior
portion of the grounds there
ascended such a cacophony of
dissonance that I felt compelled
to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for
the purpose of ascertaining
the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I
forthwith opened the barriers
sealing the fenestration, noting
thereupon that the lunar
brilliance without, reflected
as it was on the surface of
a recent crystalline aqueous
precipitation, might be said
to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus
permitting my incredulous optical
sensor to peruse a
miniature airborne runnered
conveyance drawn by an octet
of diminutive specimens of the
genus Rangifer, piloted by
a miniscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that
it became instantly apparent
to me that he was indeed our
anticipated caller. With his
undulate motive power
traveling at what may possibly
have been more vertiginous
velocity than patriotic alar
predators, he vociferated
loudly, expelled breath musically
through contracted labia,
and addressed each of the octet
by his or her respective
cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now
Dancer..." et al. - guiding
them to the uppermost exterior
level of our abode, through
which structure I could readily
distinguish the concatena-
tions of each of the 32 cloven
pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from
its erstwhile location, and
was performing a 180-degree
pivot, our distinguished
visitant achieved - with utmost
celerity and via a downward
leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad
entirely in animal pelts soiled
by the ebon residue from
the oxidations of carboniferous
fuels which had accumulated
on the walls thereof. His resemblance
to a street vendor
I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings
which he bore dorsally in a
commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with
reflected luminosity, while
his submaxillary dermal indentations
gave every evidence of
engaging amiability. The
capillaries of his molar regions
and nasal aptenance were engorged
with blood which suffused
the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the
coloration of Albion's floral
emblem, the latter that of
the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.
His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing
so much as a common loop knot,
and their ambient hirstute facial
adornment appeared like
small, tabular and columnar
crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors
was a smokingpiece whose
gray fumes, forming a tenuous
ellipse about his occiput, were
suggestive of a decorative seasonal
circlet of holly. His
visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly
mirthful, his corpulent abdominal
region undulated in the
manner of impectinated fruit
syrup in a hemispherical container.
Without utterance and with dispatch,
he commenced filling the
aforementioned hosiery with
articles of merchandise extracted
from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth
receptacle. Upon completion
of this task, he executed an
abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral
juxtaposition to his olfactory
organ, inclined his cranium
forward in a gesture of leave-taking,
and forthwith affected
his egress by renegotiating
(in reverse) the smoke passage.
He then propelled himself in
a short vector onto his
conveyance, directed a musical
expulsion of air through his
contracted oral sphincter to
the antlered quadrupeds of
burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto
observable chiefly among the
seed-bearing portions of a
common weed. But I overheard
his parting exclamation,
audible immediately prior to
his vehiculation beyond the
limits of visibility: "Ecstatic
yuletides to the planetary
constituence, and to that self-same
assemblage my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial
and gratifyingly
pleasurable period between sunset
and dawn."
\\\//
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Subj: A Scientist
And A Poet (S186)
There were once two people travelling
on a train, a scientist
and a poet, who were riding
in the same compartment. They
had never met before, so naturally,
there wasn't much conver-
sation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business,
looking out the window at the
beauty of the passing terrain.
The scientist was very uptight,
trying to think of things he
didn't know so he could try
to figure them out. Finally, the
scientist was so bored, that
he said to the poet, "Hey, do you
want to play a game?"
The poet, being content with
what he was doing, ignored him and
continued looking out the window,
humming quietly to himself.
This infuriated the scientist,
who irritably asked again, "Hey,
you, do you want to play a game?
I'll ask you a question, and
if you get it wrong, you give
me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question,
and if I can't answer it, I'll
give YOU $5." The poet thought
about this for a moment, but
he decided against it, seeing that
the scientist was obviously
a very bright man. He politely
turned down the scientist's
offer.
The scientist, who, by this time
was going mad, tried a final
time. "Look, I'll ask you a
question, and if you can't answer
it, you give me $5. Then
you ask ME a question, and if I can't
answer it, I'll give you $50!"
Now, the poet was not that smart
academically, but he wasn't
totally stupid. He readily accepted
the offer. "Okay," the scientist
said, "what is the EXACT
distance between the Earth and
the Moon?" The poet, obviously
not knowing the answer, didn't
stop to think about the scientist's
question. He took a $5
bill out of his pocket and handed it to
the scientist. The scientist
happily accepted the bill and promptly
said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for
a few minutes, then asked, "All
right, what goes up a mountain
on three legs, but comes down on
four?" The bright glow
quickly vanished from the scientist's face.
He thought about this for a
long time, taking out his notepad and
making numerous calculations.
He finally gave up on his notepad
and took out his laptop, using
his Multimedia Encyclopedia. After
about an hour of this, the poet
quietly watching the mountains of
Colorado go by the whole time,
the scientist FINALLY gave up. He
reluctantly handed the poet
a $50 bill. The poet accepted it
graciously, turning back to
the window. "Wait!" the scientist
shouted. "You can't do
this to me! What's the answer??"
The poet looked at the scientist
and calmly asked the scientist,
"Can you break a fifty?"
\\\//
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Subj: Laws
In Science, Engineering, And Life
Corry's Law: "Paper is always strongest at the perforations."
Epstein's Axiom: "With extremely
few exceptions,
nothing is worth the
trouble."
Etorre's Observation: "The other line moves faster."
Farber's Fourth Law: "Necessity
is the mother of
strange bedfellows."
Frisbee Laws:
(1) The most powerful
force in the world is that of a
disc straining to land under a car, just out of
reach (called 'car suck');
(2) Never precede
any maneuver by a comment more
predictive than 'Watch this!'
(Murray) Gell-Mann's Law: "Whatever
isn't forbidden is
required; thus,
if there's no reason why something
shouldn't exist,
then it must exist."
Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
"Whoever has the gold
makes the rules."
(Sam) Goldwyn's Law: "A verbal
contract isn't worth the
paper it's printed
on."
Grave's Law - As soon as you
make something idiot-proof,
along comes another
idiot.
GUMMIDGE'S LAW - The amount of
expertise varies in
inverse proportion
to the number of statements
understood by the
general public.
Hofstadter's Law: "It always
takes longer than you expect,
even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account."
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
"The chance of forgetting
something is directly
proportional to....to....."
-- Lane Hurewitz
IGGY'S RULE OF SCIENTIFIC ADVANCES
- All scientific
discoveries are
first recorded on napkins or tablecloths.
Engineering advances
are drawn inside matchbook covers.
Keep supplies of
them handy at all times.
JONES'S LAW - The man who can
smile when things go wrong
has thought of
someone he can blame it on.
Laura's Law: "No child throws up in the bathroom."
LORD FALKLAND'S RULE - When it
is not necessary to make
a decision, it
is necessary not to make a decision.
Maier's Law: "If the facts
do not conform to the theory,
they must be disposed
of."
Mathis' Rule: "It is bad luck to be superstitious."
Morton's Law: "If rats are experimented
upon,
they will develop
cancer."
MESKIMEN'S LAW - There's never
time to do it right,
but always time
to do it over.
The Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project
Schedules: "The first
90% of the task
takes 90% of the time, and the last
10% takes the other
90%."
PERVERSITY OF NATURE LAW - You
cannot successfully determine
beforehand which
side of the bread to butter.
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: "It's on the other side."
OSBORN'S LAW Variables won't, constants aren't.
SATTINGER'S LAW - It works better if you plug it in.
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
"
(1) Nothing in
the known universe travels faster
than a bad check.
(2) A quarter-ounce
of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
(3) There are two
types of dirt: the dark kind, which
is attracted to light objects, and the light kind,
which is attracted to dark objects."
THE SNAFU EQUATIONS
1. Given any problem
containing N equations, there
will be N+1 unknowns.
2. The object or
bit of information most needed will
be least available.
3. The device requiring
service or adjustment will
be least accessible.
4. In any human
endeavor, once you have exhausted all
possibilities and failed, there will be one solution,
simple, obvious, and highly visible to everyone else.
5. Badness comes
in waves.
(Mark) Twain's Rule: "Only kings,
editors, and people with
tapeworms have
the right to use the editorial 'we'."
The Unspeakable Law: "As soon
as you mention something ....
... if it's good,
it goes away
... if it's bad,
it happens."
ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING
SYSTEM DYNAMICS - Once you
open a can of worms,
the only way you can recan them is
to use a larger
can. (Old worms never die; they just
worm their way
into larger cans.)
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Naica Crystal Caves (S544c)
From: darrell94590 on 6/14/2007 . |
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Subj: Basic
Guide for Scientists (S469)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/15/2006
I. Science Classification
If it's green or
it wiggles, it's part of Biology.
If it stinks, it's
Chemistry.
If it doesn't work,
it belongs to Physics.
II. Rules for Laboratory Workers
When you don't know
what you're doing, do it neatly.
First draw your
curves, then plot the data.
Experience is directly
proportional to the equipment ruined.
Experiments must
be reproducible. They should all fail
the same way.
A record of data
is essential. It indicates
you have been working.
In case of doubt,
make it sound convincing.
Do not believe
in miracles, rely on them.
Teamwork is essential
in the lab. It allows
you to blame someone else.
Always leave room
to add an explanation when it doesn't work.
III. Finagle's Laws, Creed, and Motto
First Law - If anything
can go wrong with an
experiment, it will.
Second Law - No
matter what result is anticipated, there is
always someone willing to fake it.
Third Law - No
matter what occurs, there is always someone
who believes it happened according to his pet theory.
Fourth Law - No
matter what the result, there is always
someone eager to misinterpret it.
Creed - Science
is truth. Don't be misled by facts.
Motto - Smile;
tomorrow it will be worse.
\\\//
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Subj: Clarke's
Laws Arthur C. Clarke (1917-)
When a distinguished but elderly
scientist states that some-
thing is possible, he is almost
certainly right. When he
states that something is impossible,
he is very probably wrong.
_Profiles of the Future_ (1962; rev. 1973)
``Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination''
Clarke's First Law
On which he commented:
Perhaps the adjective "elderly"
requires definition. In
physics, mathematics, and astronautics
it means over thirty;
in the other disciplines, senile
decay is sometimes postponed
to the forties. There
are, of course, glorious exceptions;
but as every researcher just
out of college knows, scientists
of over fifty are good for nothing
but board meetings, and
should at all costs be kept
out of the laboratory!
_Profiles of the Future_ (1962; rev. 1973)
``Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination''
But the only way of discovering
the limits of the possible is
to venture a little way past
them into the impossible.
_Profiles of the Future_ (1962; rev. 1973)
``Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination''
Clarke's Second Law
Any sufficiently advanced technology
is indistinguishable from
magic.
_Profiles of the Future_ (1962; rev. 1973)
``Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination''
Clarke's Third Law
Clarke adds: As three laws were
good enough for Newton, I have
modestly decided to stop there.
A post with the ``first law''
invariably gets followed up with
one mentioning this:
When, however, the lay public
rallies round an idea that is
denounced by distinguished but
elderly scientists and supports
that idea with great fervor
and emotion--the distinguished but
elderly scientists are then,
after all, probably right.
Isaac Asimov (1920-1992)
_Fantasy ? Science Fiction_ 1977 [magazine]
In answer to Clarke's First Law
\\\//
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Subj: Murphy's
Laws Of Research
From: Internet Joke Archive
1st Law of Research : If you
think of something new,
it's been done.
2nd Law of Research : If you
think something is important,
no one else will.
3rd Law of Research : If you
throw it away, someone else will
publish it, obtain
a grant, write a book, and get on the
Oprah Winfrey show.
1st Law of Theory : No theory
will answer the important
questions.
Corollary : All theories are irrelevant.
2nd Law of Theory : All theories
seem workable in conversations.
Law of Importance : When you
think you have discovered the
real problem, you
have not. Corollary: When you are sure
it is not important,
it is.
Law of Remaining Time: If there
is a significant breakthrough,
it will occur when
your adviser is out of the country.
Corollary: When
your adviser is available, you will be
mired in confusion.
1st Law of the Research Question:
If you have finalized your
research question,
you don't understand the literature.
2nd Law of the Research Question:
Only when you have clarified
your research question
will you discover a large body of
conflicting findings.
3rd Law of the Research Question:
Your study will only make
sense as long as
your research question is hazy.
Law of Inverse Self-Reward: The
more you enjoy your research,
the less data there
is to support it.
Fallacy of the Library Researcher:
Somewhere there is a
reference (the
"Ultimate Reference") which will give you
a stunningly brilliant
opening and conclusion, tie your
materials together
and give you the premise for your first
book. (The search
for this kind of thing has delayed
dissertations for
years, and forced advisers to threaten
the student with
bodily harm if the search is not abandoned.)
Murphy's Law
If anything can go wrong, it
will.
If anything can't go wrong,
it will go wrong.
If anything can't go wrong on
its own, someone will make it
go wrong.
O'Tool's Commentary on Murphy's
Law
Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy's Law for Engineers:
The more innocuous a design
change appears, the further will
its influence extend.
Any error that can creep in, will.
It will be in the
direction that will do most damage to
the calculation.
A transister protected by a fast-acting
fuse will protect
the fuse by blowing first.
Murphy's Law for Electricians:
Any wire cut to
length will be too short.
Murphy's Law of Selective Gravity
An object will
fall so as to do the most damage.
Murphy's Laws on Work
From: ipkis@mhv.net
on 97-07-12
-A pat on the back is a few
centimeters from
a kick in the pants.
-Don't be irreplaceable, if
you can't be replaced,
you won't get promoted.
-The more Crap you put up with,
the more you are
going to get.
-You can go anywhere you want
if you look serious and
carry a clipboard.
-If at first you don't succeed,
try again. Then quit.
No use in being
a damn fool about it.
-Mom said there'd be days like
this but she never said
there'd be so many.
-If it wasn't for the last minute,
nothing would
ever get done.
\\\//
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Subj: New
Scientific Developments
From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97
These are supposedly responses
to a contest sponsored by
OMNI magazine. Strangely,
these scientific developments
were never considered by the
Nobel Committee.
Grand Prize Winner
Antigravity
When a cat is dropped, it always
lands on its feet, and
when toast is dropped, it always
lands with the buttered
side facing down. It is
proposed to strap buttered toast
to the back of a cat; the two
will hover, spinning inches
above the ground. With
a giant buttered cat array, a high-
speed monorail could easily
link New York with Chicago.
Runners-up
Rednecks ? Braille
If an infinite number of rednecks
riding in an infinite
number of pickup trucks fire
an infinite number of shotgun
rounds at an infinite number
of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the worlds
great literary works in
Braille.
Why Yawning Is Contagious
You yawn to equalize the pressure
on your eardrums. This
pressure change outside your
eardrums unbalances other
people's ear pressures, so they
must yawn to even it out.
Chinese Underdevelopment
Communist China is technologically
underdeveloped because
they have no alphabet and therefore
cannot use acronyms to
communicate ideas at a faster
rate.
Effects of Deforestation
The earth may spin faster on
its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate
of spin increases when the
arms are brought in close to
the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to
spin dangerously fast.
Honorable Mentions
Why the Earth rotates
Birds take off at sunrise.
On the opposite side of the
world, they are landing at sunset.
This causes the earth
to spin on its axis.
How to make your car go faster
The reason hot-rod owners raise
the backs of their cars is
that it's easier to go faster
when you're always going
downhill.
The Constant Consonant Theorem
The quantity of consonants in
the English language is
constant. If omitted in
one place, they turn up in
another. When a Bostonian "pahks"
his "cah," the lost
r's migrate southwest, causing
a Texan to "warsh" his
car and invest in "erl wells."
\\\//
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Subj: Real
Science As Seen By Students (S51)
From: mbucher on 98-01-09
This is a list of comments from
test papers, essays, etc.,
submitted to science and health
teachers by elementary,
junior high, high school, and
college students: "It is
truly astonishing what weird
science our young scholars
can create under the pressures
of time and grades." The
spellings are the original ones.
(Transmitted by Professor
Pill-Soon Song, a KASTN editor,
from a chemistry net group
called SAFETY@uvmvm.uvm.edu,
dated 1/13/96)
1. H2O is hot water, and CO2
is cold water.
2. To collect fumes of sulphur,
hold a deacon over
a flame in
a test tube.
3. When you smell an oderless
gas, it is probably
carbon monoxide.
4. Water is composed of two
gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
5. A super saturated solution
is one that holds more
than it can
hold.
6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
7. Magnet: Something you find
crawling all over
a dead cat.
8. Momentum: What you give
a person when they are
going away.
9. Vacuum: A large, empty space
where the pope lives.
10. Artificial insemination
is when the farmer
does it to
the cow instead of the bull.
11. The pistol of the flower
is its only protection
against insects.
12. A fossil is an extinct animal.
The older it is,
the more
extinct it is.
13. To remove dust from the
eye, pull the eye down
over the
nose.
14. For a nosebleed: Put the
nose much lower that the
heart until
the heart stops.
15. For head colds: use an agonizer
to spray the nose
until it
drops in your throat.
16. Germinate: To become a naturalized
German.
17. The tides are a fight between
the Earth and moon.
All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no
water on
the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I
forget where
the sun joins in this fight.
18. Blood flows down one leg
and up the other.
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| Subj:
Power Of Ten (S548b)
From: AFine963 on 7/9/2007 . |
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Smiley and ligntning from
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