Subj: Statistics and Accounting (Gz)
(Includes 52 jokes and articles)
Accountant and Books from
Animation Factory
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Subj: Statistics and Accounting (Gz) (Includes 52 jokes and articles) |
|
Accountant and Books from Animation Factory |
Also see COWBOY2 file - 'Three
Men At The Urinals'
HOOKER file - 'The
Whore, The Accountant, And Chicken Farming'
HEAVEN2 file - 'An
Accountant Goes To Heaven'
MARRIAGE1 - 'Accountant
Leaves Wife For Secretary'
POLIT-BUSH - 'Election
2000 Statistics'
SCHOOL3 file - 'Teacher
Gets To Know Kids'
SEX3 file - 'Statistical
Findings On Sex:'
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| Subj:
Frank & Ernie's On Economists (S554c)
From: WashingtonPost.com on 8/26/2007 |
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You can see Frank and Ernie's
comic strip on Economists
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Bread
(S103)
From: mbucher on 99-01-17
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children
who grow up in bread-consuming
households
score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when
virtually all bread was baked
in the home,
the average life expectancy was less than 50
years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high;
many women
died in childbirth; and diseases such as
typhoid,
yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent
crimes are committed
within 24
hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to
be addictive. Subjects deprived
of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after
as little
as two days.
6. Bread is often a "gateway"
food item, leading the user to
"harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and
even cold
cuts.
7. Bread has been proven to
absorb water. Since the human
body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating
bread could
lead to your body being taken over by this
absorptive
food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey
bread-pudding
person.
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures
as high as 400 degrees
Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less
than one
minute.
10. Most American bread eaters
are utterly unable to
distinguish
between significant scientific fact and
meaningless
statistical babbling.
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Subj: A Drunk
Stats Major At The Final (DU)
From: ez017842
A stats major was completely
hung over the day of his final
exam. It was a True/False
test, so he decided to flip a
coin for the answers.
The stats professor watched the
student the entire two hours
as he was flipping the coin...
writing the answer...flipping
the coin...writing the answer.
At the end of the two hours,
everyone else had left the
final except for the one student.
The professor walks up
to his desk and interrupts the
student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you
did not study for this
statisticts test, you didn't
even open the exam. If you are
just flipping a coin for your
answer, what is taking you so
long?
The student replies bitterly
(as he is still flipping the
coin): "Shhh! I am checking
my answers!"
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Subj: Marrying
A Statistician (DU)
"You haven't told me yet," said
Lady Nuttal, "what it is
your fiance does for a living."
"He's a statistician," replied
Lamia, with an annoying
sense of being on the defensive.
Lady Nuttal was obviously taken
aback. It had not occurred
to her that statisticians entered
into normal social
relationships. The species,
she would have surmised, was
perpetuated in some collateral
manner, like mules.
"But Aunt Sara, it's a very interesting
profession," said
Lamia warmly.
"I don't doubt it," said her
aunt, who obviously doubted
it very much. "To express
anything important in mere
figures is so plainly impossible
that there must be
endless scope for well-paid
advice on the how to do it.
But don't you think that life
with a statistician would
be rather, shall we say, humdrum?"
Lamia was silent. She
felt reluctant to discuss the
surprising depth of emotional
possibility which she had discovered
below Edward's
numerical veneer.
"It's not the figures themselves,"
she said finally. "It's
what you do with them that matters."
(K.A.C. Manderville,
The undoing of Lamia Gurdleneck)
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Subj: An Engineer,
A Physicist And A Statistician Answer (DU)
Three people answered an add
for an open job - an engineer,
a physicist and a statistician.
When the engineer went in,
he was asked:
Q: "What is two plus two?"
A: "Four."
When the physisict went in, he
was asked the same question:
Q: "What is two plus two?"
A: "Four."
The statistician went in next.
When the question was posed
to him, he looked around furtively,
shut the door and drew
the blinds closed. His
response: "What do you want it to be?"
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Subj: Statistician
Won't Fly In A Plane (DU)
A famous statistician would never
travel by airplane, because
he had studied air travel and
estimated the probability of
there being a bomb on any given
flight was 1 in a million,
and he was not prepared to accept
these odds.
One day a colleague met him at
a conference far from home.
"How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about your the possibiltiy of a bomb?"
Well, I began thinking that if
the odds of one bomb are
1:million, then the odds of
TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x
(1/1,000,000). This is
a very, very small probability,
which I can accept. So,
now I bring my own bomb along!"
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Subj: The
Ten Commandments Of Statistical Inference (DU)
1. Thou shalt not hunt statistical
inference with a shotgun.
2. Thou shalt not enter the
valley of the methods of inference
without an
experimental design.
3. Thou shalt not make statistical
inference in the absence
of a model.
4. Thou shalt honour the assumptions
of thy model.
5. Thy shalt not adulterate
thy model to obtain
significant
results.
6. Thy shalt not covet thy
colleagues' data.
7. Thy shalt not bear false
witness against thy control group.
8. Thou shalt not worship the
0.05 significance level.
9. Thy shalt not apply large
sample approximation in vain.
10. Thou shalt not infer causal
relationships from
statistical
significance.
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Subj: Statistics
Quotes (DU)
Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
In earlier times, they had no
statistics,
and so they had to fall back
on lies.
Statistics is the art of never
having to say you're wrong.
Variance is what any two staticticians
are at.
(Not that I particularly dislike
statisticians...
I hate all mathematicians!!)
[sorry mum!]
97.3% of all statistics are made up.
From: joeshmoe
Smoking is a leading cause of
statistics.
I could prove God statistically.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
"There are lies, damned lies, and statistics." -Mark Twain
A statistician is a person who
draws a mathematically
precise line from an unwarranted
asumption to a foregone
conclusion.
A statistician can have his head
in an oven and his
feet in ice, and he will say
that on the average he
feels fine.
(Excerpted from "Quotes, Damned
Quotes" by John Bibby)
If there is a 50-50 chance that
something can go wrong,
then nine times out of ten it
will. (Paul Harvey News,
1979)
"I gather, young man, that you
wish to be a Member of
Parliament. The first
lesson that you must learn is,
when I call for statistics about
the rate of infant
mortality, what I want is proof
that fewer babies died
when I was Prime Minister than
when anyone else was
Prime Minister. That is
a political statistic."
-- Winston Churchill
From: goble
You know how dumb the average
guy is? Well, by
definition, half of them are
even dumber than that.
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
Statisticians probably do it
Algebraists do it in groups.
-- Al Sethuraman, Calma
Company, San Diego
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Subj: Short
Statistics Jokes
| Subj:
Dilbert's Comic Strip On Statistics (S590)
By Scott Adams on 5/8/2009 Source: http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2008-05-08/ |
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Subj:
The Sudoku Accounting Method (S584)
From: WashingtonPost.com on 4/2/2008 |
| Subj:
Caveman Accountants
From: Unknown source on 8/10/2007 |
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Top
Subj: Teaching
Statistic (S221)
From: TAdams on 4/23/2001
Here?s an eye-opener: Classroom
teachers make up only 52
percent of the public education
work force in the United
States and 12 states have more
non-teachers than teachers,
according to the Education Intelligence
Agency.
The 30-page report, "Tribute
for a Light: Public Education
Spending and Staffing," compiles
the latest education
information from the Education
Department, the Census
Bureau, the National Education
Association and the American
Federation of Teachers.
Did you know that the great majority
of people have more
than the average number of legs?
[It's obvious really;
amongst the 57 million people
in Britain there are
probably 5,000 people who have
only got one leg.
Therefore the average number
of legs is
(5000 * 1) + (56,995,000 * 2)
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= 1.9999123......
57,000,000
Since most people have 2 legs.......
Statisticians do it continuously
but discretely.
Statisticians do it when it
counts.
Statisticians do it with 95%
confidence.
Statisticians do it with large
numbers.
Statisticians do it with only
a 5% chance of being rejected.
Statisticians do it with two-tail
T tests.
Statisticians do it. After
all, it's only normal.
Statisticians probably do it.
From: rgep
Probabilists do it on random
walks.
Probabilists do it stochastically.
Statisticians do all the standard
deviations.
"Give us a copper Guv" said the
beggar to the Treasury
statistician, when he waylaid
him in Parliament square.
"I haven't eaten for three days."
"Ah," said the statistician,
"and how does that compare
with the same period last year?"
-- Russell Lewis
A topologist is a man who doesn't
know the difference
between a
coffee cup and a doughnut.
A statistician can have his
head in an oven and his feet in
ice, and
he will say that on the average he feels fine.
It's like the tale of the roadside
merchant who was asked
to explain how he could sell
rabbit sandwiches so cheap.
"Well" he explained, "I have
to put some horse-meat in
too. But I mix them 50:50.
One horse, one rabbit."
Did you hear the one about the
statistician?
Probably....
97.3% of all statistics are made
up.
42.7 percent of all statistics
are made up on the spot.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
Did you hear about the Statistician
that couldn't get laid?
He decided a simulation was
good enough.
"She was only the statistician's
daughter,
but she knew all the standard
deviations."
All probabilities are 50% ...
either something happens,
or it doesn't!
From: ossama on 98-05-12
Statistics show that America
has the highest rate of
deaths from firearms.
This proves that guns don't
kill people, keeping statistics.
From: igiggle on 4/26/2003 (S326b)
Economists have forecast nine
out of the last five recessions.
Q: What is the definition of
a statistician?
A: Someone who doesn't have
the personality to be an accountant.
Q: How many statisticians does
it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One -- plus or minus three
(small sample size).
From: dogbyte on 3/27/2002 (S269c)
Q: What do accountants do when
they get constipated?
A: They work it out with a pencil.
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