Subj: Arab Jokes
(Includes 65 jokes and articles, 17761,1,cf)
Mosque in Desert
Also see ACCIDENT1
- 'Iraq Terrorist
Dies' in NonJokes
ANAGRAMS file- 'Anagrams For Osama Bin Laden'
ASIAN file - 'Bin Laden Look-A-Like'
CAMEL file - 'Sex Like A Camel'
CHRISTMAS3 - 'Twas The Night Before Ramadan'
......................- 'Twas The Night Before Payback'
FRENCH file - 'Iraq Strengthens Air Force w/French Parts'
FUNERAL file - 'Sign In A Window'
GOD2 file - 'How The Jews Got The 10 Commandments'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Muslim Goes To Heaven'
HELL file - 'Saddam Goes To Hell'
IRISH2 file - 'Saddam And Paddy'
JOBS3 file - 'Security Bulletin'
MIDDLE EAST - 'US Soldier Talks About Iraq'
......................- 'Shakespeare On Iraq'
......................- (see whole file)
NATIONAL file- 'Root Out Terrorists!'
......................- 'Oliver North Video'
PLANE1 file - 'Airport Screening'
......................- 'Two Arabs And A Jew On A Plane'
PLANE2 file - '73 Year Old Can't Board Plane'
POLIT-BUSH - 'Movie - Time To Bomb Saddam'
SHIT file - 'Don't Poop On October 28'
SOLDIER2 file- 'British Forces Test Fire Weapons'
......................- 'USMC Bumper Sticker'
SOLDIER-SUPP2- 'Southpark: Killing Ben Laden' - Movie
STARTREK file- 'Pres. Bush Explains Star Trek'
VALENTINE - 'Sending Osama A Valentine'
WOMEN2 file - 'Woman Fighting In Afghanistan'
Arab Photo (S575c)
From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/19/2008
You can see this Bizarro Comic Strip by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Arab Father And Son Talk (S761)
From: hellgunner50 on 8/17/2011
Also called "Daddy, please tell me why?"
A young Arab boy asks his father,
"What is that weird hat
you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a
'chechia' because in the
desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing
that you are wearing?"
asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in
the desert it is very hot
and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are
'babouches", which keep us
from burning our feet in the desert."
"Tell me," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Dearborn,
Michigan and still wearing
all this shit?"
Subj: RIDDLE - Iranians On Phone (S315b)
LABLaughs.com on 2/11/2003
How do Iranians speak on the telephone?
Scroll down for the answer
Here it comes
Subj: 15 Schoolgirls Die In Blaze (S270c, DU)
From: jerry on 3/19/2002
15 schoolgirls died in a blaze
in Saudi Arabia, and 50
others were injured, when they were prevented from leaving
a blazing building by Saudi Arabia's religious police who
forced them back into the building because the girls were
not wearing correct Islamic dress, according to newspaper
reports in Saudi Arabia. The girls were not wearing the
required headscarves and abayas (black robes).
The al-Eqtisadiah daily reports
that firemen confronted
the police as they beat the girls back into the building,
but to no avail. Even the school guard refused to open
the gates to let the girls out.
Subj: Funny Quotes About Osama (258b, DU)
From: ICohen on 1/9/2002
"What we know about Osama bin
Laden is this -- he's
worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids
and he hates Americans for their 'excessive'
lifestyle." -- David Letterman
"The leaders of the Taliban said
today that killing
bin Laden won't solve the problem, but, you know, it
couldn't hurt." -- Jay Leno
"More and more details coming
out now about spoiled
rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he
was one of 52 kids. His mother must be exhausted. This
guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since
expanded it to $300 million through construction,
smart investments and gas and oil investments. This
way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism."
-- Jay Leno
"You read about all these terrorists,
most of them
came here legally, but they hung around on these
expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster. If you are two days late
with a video and these people are all over you. Let's
put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." -- Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out
about Osama bin Laden.
You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights
in a row, just like Clinton." -- Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled
rich kid worth
$300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole
Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money,
he'll be dead in a week" -- Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama
Bin Laden has 50
brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me
because I had no idea he was Catholic" -- Conan O'Brien
"One of the Taliban spokesmen
said they have thousands
of men who look forward to death like Americans look
forward to living, which is great because we can
arrange that We'll set them up with death, we'll
continue living." -- Jay Leno
"CBS News finally received anthrax
in the mail As
usual, we're number three." -- David Letterman
"Things have really changed here
in Hollywood. It
used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get
an envelope full of white powder." -- Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this,
but it's like the
networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see
them on the news. This reporter is standing outside
a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the
poison here it could wipe out thousands because the
guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'"
-- Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been
given advanced warning
that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of
laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax.
Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this
promotion? What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's
put that in a box." -- Jay Leno
"The FBI is urging all Americans
to beware of any
letters or packages that have badly misspelled words.
Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap
industry." -- Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters
set a Kentucky
Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters
mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking
US military official Colonel Sanders"
-- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very
special episode of West
Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in
New York City. The exact plot is being kept top
secret. We are the only country in the world where we
put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV
shows are top secret" -- Jay Leno
"Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf
Taliban will fall for hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king
Zahir Shah is standing by to replace Mullah Mohammed
Omar. And the most ominous sign of all, President Bush
has learned all their names" -- Comedian Argus Hamilton
"There was a rumor that Jesse
Jackson was going to go
over there to talk with the Taliban; apparently they
were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad" -- Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me: All
these people getting
on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this.
If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss
Cleo and he'd be charging $299 a minute" -- Jay Leno
"US Government has said they
are now going to go
after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You
know what they should do? They should transfer bin
Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits,
screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to
death with service charges." -- Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't
racial profiling at
the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is
Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the
airport extra early." -- Jay Leno
Subj: bin Laden Quotation (S257b, DU)
From: jerry on 12/19/2001
"Islamic governments have never
and will never be established
through peaceful solutions and cooperative councils. They are
established as they [always] have been by pen and gun by word
and bullet by tongue and teeth."
Opening statement in bin Laden's
Al Qa'eda training manual,
found in an apartment of an Al Qa'eda member, in the UK.
Below are links to the
translated Al Qa'eda training manuals
should you like to see what terrorism is all about.
Summary article from Boston Daily Globe
Subj: Atomic Bomb In Afghanistan (S257, DU)
From: jerry on 12/19/2001
Bonehead award two goes to Al
Qa'eda and Taliban members
whose homes were raided in Afghanistan and who were found
to have been busily working on a nuclear device. But it's
too bad they hadn't gotten further before the home was
raided because it would have been interesting to see the
device they would have ended up with.
Turns out the "plans" they were
poring over and using to
produce the device was a document they got from the
Internet entitled, "How to Build an Atomic Bomb in 10
Easy Steps," a scientific SPOOF published in 1979 in the
Journal of Irreproducible Results which calls it "a great
ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for
UK Telegraph 20-Nov-01
Subj: Moral Question For You (S246, DU)
From: ICohen on 10/16/2001
Think carefully before you answer
Remember, you can't check with Dr. Laura for the answer!
I have a moral question for you.
This is an imaginary
situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do.
The situation: You are in the
Middle East, and there is a
huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water
supplies compromised and structures destroyed. Let's say
that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a
news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly
You come across Osama Bin Laden
who has been swept away by
the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb
and is about to go under. You can either put down your
camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning
photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
So, here's the question and think
carefully before you
answer the question below:
Which lens and shutter speed would you use?
Subj: Arab And Jewish Tie Salesman (S197, S396, DU)
From: BartendJOTD-owner on 11/10/2000
and From: DafterLafter on 8/24/2004
(Also see 'Man On Camel Dying Of Thirst' in CAMEL)
An Arab was walking through the
Sahara desert, desperate for
water, then he saw something, far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked
towards the image, only to
find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a
bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "Please, I'm
dying of thirst, can I have
The man replied "I don't have
any water, but why don't you
buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But
to show you what a nice guy I am,
I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a
nice restaurant my brother runs. Walk that way, they'll give
you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked
away towards the hill and
Three hours later the Arab came
crawling back to where the man
was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about
5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it alright.
They wouldn't let me in
without a tie."
Subj: Two English At A Native Restraunt (S139, DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #311 on 09/27/1999
Two Englishmen in darkest Africa
got hungry and dropped into
a native restaurant in a small village. They received menus
and noticed a fair variety of dishes. Broiled Spaniard was
$3.50, including salad and dessert. Fried Frenchman, with a
side order of vegetables, cost $3.75. Stewed Swiss ran $3.25.
But baked Arab was listed at $10.50.
They called the waiter. "Why?"
asked one. "Are the Arabs that
"No," replied the waiter. "They all taste about the same."
"But the price is so high," the
Englishman protested. "There
must be some reason."
"Oh," the waiter said. "There
is a good reason. Did you ever
try to clean an Arab?"
Subj: Arab Diplomat Is Thirsty (S121, DU)
From: kate289 on 5/25/99
An Arab diplomat visiting the
US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was
unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses,
salami, anchovies ets) and was constantly sending his man-
servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper
off and return with a
glass of water, but then came the time when he returned
empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my
water??" demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious
One," stammered the wretched
Abdul, "white man sit on well."
Subj: I Had A Dream (S62, DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #83 on 98-04-02
Sadam called President Clinton
and said: "Bill, I called you
because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see
all of America, and it was beautiful and all top of every
building, there was a flag."
Clinton said: "Sadam, what was on the flag?"
Sadam said: "Allah is G-d, G-d is Allah."
Clinton said: "You know, Sadam,
I'm really glad you called
because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of
Bagdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war.
It had been completely rebuilt. And on every building there
was a flag."
Sadam said: "Bill, what was on the flag?"
Clinton replied: "I really don't know, I can't read Hebrew!"
Subj: American, Italian And Iranian Brag (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #29
An American, an Italian and an
Iranian were drinking together
and began to boast. The American says, "I have four daughters;
one more and I have a basketball team."
The Italian joins in, "I hava
eight daughters; one more and I
hava baseball team."
The Iranian quietly acknowledges
each, and then says, "I have
17 wives; one more and I have a golf course!"
Subj: Short Arab Jokes
Subj: Two Arabs Talk (S313b, S649)
From: KMACINTY on 2/1/2003
Two Arabs are chatting. One has his wallet out and he's
flipping through pictures. "This is my oldest, he's a
martyr. This is my second son. He's a martyr too."
The second Arab says wistfully,
"Ah, they blow up so fast,
Subj: Two Terrorists Get Visas (S267)
From: jerry on 3/14/2002
"To call the INS [U.S. Immigration and Naturalization
Service] a Mickey Mouse agency would be an insult to
Mickey." Comment made by a U.S. congressman upon
learning that the INS just approved visas for two of
the 11 terrorist hijackers who crashed planes into
the World Trade Center in New York City, in case you
wondered how much background checking the INS really does.
UK Sun 14-Mar-02
Las Vegas Sun 13-Mar-02
Subj: Bad Reporting In Afghanistan War (S250)
From: jerry on 11/12/2001
Vincent Laforet, a staff photographer for the New York
Times in Pakistan, has these words of advice:
''I have but one thing to tell
you. Don't trust anything
you see on TV and be wary of some of the things you read.
I witnessed how sensationalistic the media can be .''
''We covered a pro-Taliban demonstration
attended by maybe 5,000 protesters. CNN stated there
were 50,000. The BBC estimated 40,000. We're continually
hearing of 'violent clashes with police' when the [local]
TV stations report on non-violent demonstrations we
Sports Shooter via Mike Kesterton's
column (Globe and
Mail - Toronto)
Subj: Taliban Threat (S247)
From: ICohen on 10/26/2001
At a hastily called news conference this morning, Taliban
Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United
States that if military action continues against
Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to
cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.
Subj: What Should We Do With Bin Laden? (S244)
From: Anaise on 10/6/2001
Suggested Solutions That Won't Work:
Killing him will only create a martyr.
Holding him prisoner will inspire
his comrades to take
hostages to demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Special Forces, Seals
or whatever covertly capture
him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons
quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we
return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the
Subj: Flying Kites (S243)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/24/2001
Copyright The Humor Network / OptaNetwork LLC
We just read that the Taliban law considers kite-flying
useless and an obstacle to education. Leave it to a
terrorist country to believe you only fly something to kill.
Subj: Bin Laden Dies On Holiday (S243)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/23/2001
Osama bin Laden, severely injured in an American attack, is
in a US Army medical facility, when he asks the attending
doctor, "Doc, when will I die?"
"Unsure of the exact time of
death," his Western doctor
says. "But you will die on an American holiday."
"How do you know it will be on
an American holiday?" asks
"Oh," said the doctor, "Any day
that you die will be an
Subj: Killer Of Sixteen (S237)
From: bonehead on 8/8/2001
Religious hard-liners and a couple of the country's newspapers
in Iran have proclaimed Saeed Hanayi, a serial killer who
killed 16 prostitutes, a national hero. His goal was to kill
150, by the way.
UK Telegram 1-Aug-01
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet,
didn't pay enough
postage on aletter bomb. It came back with "return to sender"
stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it and said a fond
farewell to his face.
A Saudi Arabian woman can get
a divorce if
her husband doesn't give her coffee.
From: humorlist-digest V3 #13 on 99-01-15
Saddam Hussein is wondering why the United Nations won't
approve a "no-open-fly zone" around the Oval Office.
From: ossama on 99-02-25 (S110)
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown
From: dogbyte on 10/18/2001 (S246)
World Trade Center: 20 Billion Dollars
Shock To World Economy: 1 Trillion Dollars
Osama Bin Laden's Head: Priceless!
From: RFSlick on 2/4/2003 (S314b)
ALL K-MART AND WALMART STORES WILL BE CLOSED IN IRAQ.
THEY WILL BE REPLACED WITH TARGETS.
Bawdy.Net Collage #86
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and
sex education on the same day in Iran?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
Q. What's the difference between an Iranian woman and
the New York Rangers?
A. The Rangers shower after three periods!!!
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #224 on 98-01-22
Q: Why can't you circumcise an Iranian?
A: There's just no end to those pricks.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #84 on 98-04-06
Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
Q: What does Saddam want for
Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam
Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and
General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks
are coming from!
Q: What is the difference between
the Iraqi Special Forces &
Senator Edward Kennedy.
A: The Senator has killed more people
Q: What is the best Iraqi government
A: Foreign Ambassador
Q: How many Iraqis does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.
Q: How many Americans does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 200 miles away using
laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.
Q: "How many members of the coalition
does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers
at this time."
Q: Did you hear that it is twice
as easy to train Iraqi
A: You only have to teach them to take off.
Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
Q: What's the difference between
the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have
glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #296 on 98-12-17
Q: What number clears out an Iraqi bingo hall?
From: auntieg on 98-12-27
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
|Smiley the Arab from