(Includes 23 jokes and articles)
Australian flag from
Animation Factory
| Subj:
Australian Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 23 jokes and articles) |
|
Australian flag from Animation Factory |
Also see BAR2 file
- 'American,
Canadian, & An Australian In Seedy Bar'
BIRDS-DUCKS - 'Two
Men Fight Over Duck'
CARS3 file - 'Repairing
Your Car At K-Mart'
FACTS4 file - 'Scared
in Australia'
FACTS5 file - 'Doctor
Gets Speeding Ticket'
HALLOWEEN - 'Snail
Costume'
HOOKER file - 'Barmail
Does Sex For Money'
......................-
'Cancer
Victim Gets Lade'
ITALIAN file - 'Short Italian
Jokes'
MAILMAN-ETC - 'Letter
To God At Christmas'
NATIONAL file- 'Cultural
Differences Explained'
OTHER_ANIMALS- 'Whale
Watching In Australia'
PILOT file - 'Australian
Pilot Standards'
TRACK file - 'Australian
Olympic Questions'
WOMEN1 file - 'Women
Empowerment
......................-
'The
Ages Of Woman And Man'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Australian Bike Commercial (S512b in Bicycle)
From: edapsmas on 11/8/2006 |
 |
You can view this cute 1,500
KB commercial on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: The
Great Aussie Love Poem (S451)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/15/2005
Of Course I Love Ya Darling You're
A Bloody Top Notch Bird
And When I Say You're Gorgeous
I Mean Every Single Word
So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side
I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab
It Means That When I'm Ready
There's Somethin' There To Grab
So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More
I Tell Ya, I Don't Care
So Long As When I Cuddle Ya
I Can Get My Arms Round There
No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has
Nice Round Perky Breasts
They Just Gave Into Gravity
But I Know Ya Did Ya Best
I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now I
Never Tell Ya Lies
I Think It's Very Sexy That
You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs
I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave
The Moment That We Met
I Thought U Was As Good As I
Was Ever Gonna Get
No Matter Wot U Look Like I'll
Always Love Ya Dear
Now Shut Up While The Footys
On And Get Me Bloody Beer!
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Subj: Australian
Gun Control (S436b)
From: jbcary1on 5/31/2005
(See 'Anti-Gun Control
Statistics' in Hunting-Camping)
WARNING - This is a news article and NOT a joke.
From: Ed Chenel, A police officer
in Australia
Hi friends, I thought you all
would like to see the real
figures from Down Under.
It has now been 12 months since gun
owners in Australia were forced
by a new law to surrender
640,381 personal firearms to
be destroyed by our own government,
a program costing Australia
taxpayers more than $500 million
dollars.
The first year results are now
in: Australia-wide, homicides
are up 3.2 percent, Australia-wide,
assaults are up 8.6 percent;
Australia-wide, armed robberies
are up 44 percent (yes, 44
percent)! In the state
of Victoria alone, Homicides with
firearms are now up 300 percent.
(Note that while the law-
abiding citizens turned them
in, the criminals did not and
criminals still possess their
guns!
While figures over the previous
25 years showed a steady
decrease in armed robbery with
firearms, this has changed
drastically upward in the past
12 months, since the criminals
now are guaranteed that their
prey is unarmed. There has also
been a dramatic increase in
break-ins and assaults of the
elderly.
Australian politicians are at
a loss to explain how public
safety has decreased, after
such monumental effort and expense
was expended in "successfully
ridding Australian society of
guns." You won't see this
on the Canadian evening news or hear
your Member of Parliament disseminating
this information.
The Australian experience proves
it. Guns in the hands of
honest citizens save lives and
property and, yes, gun-control
laws affect only the law-abiding
citizens. Take note Canadians,
before it's too late!
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Subj: Tourist
Shocked In Australia (S432b)
From: darrell94590 on 5/6/2005
A tourist arrived in Australia,
hired a car and set off for
the outback. On his way he saw
a bloke having sex with a
sheep. Deeply horrified,
he pulled up at the nearest pub
and ordered a straight Scotch.
Just as he was about to throw
it back, he saw a bloke with
one leg masturbating furiously
at the bar.
"What the hell?!" the tourist
cried, "What the hell's going
on here? I've been here
one hour and I've seen a bloke
shagging a sheep, and now some
bloke's wanking himself off
in the bar!"
"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender
told him, "You can't expect
a man with only one leg to catch
a sheep."
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Subj: Sean
Connery Has Sex Three Times (S352b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/28/2003
Sean Connery was interviewed
by Michael Parkinson,
and bragged that despite his
72 years of age, he could
still have sex three times a
night. Kylie Minogue, who
was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show,
Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not
being too forward, I'd
love to have sex with an older
man. Let's go back to
my place."
So they go back to her place
and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you
think that was good,
let me sleep for half an hour,
and we can have even
better sex. But while I'm sleeping,
hold my balls
in your left hand and my dick
in your right hand."
Kylie looks a bit perplexed,
but says, "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour,
awakens, and they have
even better sex. Then Sean says,
"Kylie, that was
wonderful. But if you let me
sleep for an hour,
we can have the best sex yet.
But again, hold my
balls in your left hand, and
my Dick in your right
hand." Kylie is now used to
the routine and
complies. The results are mind
blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes
are lit,
Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does
my holding your
balls in my left hand and your
dick in my right
stimulate you while you're sleeping?"
Sean
replies, "No, but the last time
I slept with a
slut from Melbourne, she stole
my wallet."
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 |
Subj:
VB Stubby Symphony (S567 in Beer1)
From: rfslick on 11/29/2007 Source: http://vbsymphony.com.au/view/ |
You can view this Australian,
beer commercial at the
source above, or on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Australian
Slang translation by Ozmurt: (S130, DU)
From: smiles on 6/6/99
This is how we talk in the land
Down Under.........
by Ozmurt
G'day mate ! I have attempted
to explain our language.
Now if you are offended easy
may I suggest you get your
arse out of here now.
If not I hope you enjoy.
G'day mate = Plesed to make your acquaintance.
Aussie = Australian, dinky di aussie, true blue.
Pommie = Englishman
Yank = American, Septic
You little ripper! = Words of praise, good on ya, well done.
Go on = I'm not entirely convinced
you know what your
talking about.
Bloody Oath = In total agreeance with you.
Brew = Coffee
Roo,Boomer = Kangaroo
Arvo = Afternoon
Fair Dinkum = True, honest, real, Is that right.
Crust = To earn money, living, dough, job.
Mate = Friend, cobber, pal, buddy.
Tinny = Can of beer.
You Drongo = An idiot, dimwitted person.
Whadayawant = May I enquire about your needs?
Your shout = Your turn to buy the next round of drinks.
Cool Banana's = Great, everythings fine, cool, fantastic.
No Worries = Everything will be okay, not a problem.
Shelia = Girl, woman, female.
Pissed = Drunk, blind, plastered, smashed, intoxicated.
Hit the frog and toad = To get going, leave, hit the road.
Brown nosing = Sucking up to the boss.
Bob's your Uncle = No worries, she'll be right.
Righto = No worries, yes, okay.
Dead horse = Tomato sauce.
Sanga = Sandwich
Snag = Sausage
Billy lids = Children, kids.
Bread winner = Who earns the money in the family.
Water the horse = Men say this
when they are going
to the toilet.
Vegemite = A black yeast extract, spred on bread or toast.
Drop your guts = Someone who has just farted, passed wind.
Ridgey Didge = Speaking the truth, real, fair dinkum.
Hooroo = Good-bye, see ya.
Dummy = Baby pacifer or could mean being stupid, silly.
Dunny = Toilet, loo, throne.
Fair crack of the whip = Settle
down, calm down,
enough is enough.
Shit the bed = When someone gets
up early which is unusual
for them, arrive
early when normaly late.
Hit the fart sack = Male say this when going to bed.
Dad and Dave = Having a shower and a shave.
Nackered = Stuffed, tired, buggered.
Hair of the dog = An alcohlic
drink, taken for a hangover,
usually first thing
in the morning.
Thingamebob = An item, object,
when you forget the name
of the object.
Spit the dummy = Throw a tantrum
Barbie = A get together of family
and friends and cook
on the BBQ.
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Subj: Australian
Bushman's First Time With A Woman (S58, S565c)
A rich American lady visited
Australia. Lacking entertainment,
she asked the hotel to send
her up a virgin Australian male.
The hotel, which specialised
in satisfying strange and unusual
requests, did its best, and
eventually tracked down a big
bushie who reckoned he'd never
been with a woman (or man) but
was agreeable to the task and
went up to her room.
When he got there, he immediately
started moving furniture
around.
"What're ya doing ?" she exclaimed in puzzlement
"Werl, I dunno much about women"
he replied, "but if they're
anything like kangaroos, I'm
gunna need a LOT of room !"
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Subj: Copulating
With Kangaroos (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #181
An Englishman goes to Australia
with his wife, they stay in
a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo
for the day. While driving
along the road, his wife asks,
"Look! What is that man
doing with that kangaroo?"
The man says, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"
Further down the road the wife
says, "Look, another one!"
and husband says, "Disgusting!
I shall report this when
we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel
only to find a man with one
wooden leg having a wank on
the steps of the hotel. The
husband charges in and says,
"Look we come here in good
faith, to stay in your 5 star
hotel and what happens? We
are driving down the road and
we come across a drover in
copulation with a kangaroo.
Further on, recurrence of the
same thing. Then we get
back here only to find a man with
one leg, one wooden leg, masturbating
on your steps. Well,
what do you have to say about
that!?"
The manager says, "'Struth mate,
you expect a man with one
wooden leg to catch his own
kangaroo?"
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Subj: Short
Aussie Jokes
| Subj:
Muslims Out Of Australia (S561c)
From: SCOTCOB on 10/15/2007 Photo from
Yahoo
Images...
|
 |
This article is true as verified
by Snopes.com at
http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/australia.asp
 |
Subj:
Lost Luggage (S555b)
From: edbabcock on 8/27/2007 Photo from Yahoo Video |
| Subj:
Lost Australian Sheep (S489, DU)
From: auntiegah on 6/7/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Australian
Government's Terrorist Kit (S314)
From: jerry on 2/3/2003
The Australian government's
solution to the terrorist
problem is to send all Australians
a refrigerator magnet.
The magnets, costing $15 million
to produce and mail out,
tells how to spot a terrorist
and lists a phone number to
call if you happen to see one.
Sydney Morning Herald (Australia)
3-Feb-03
Italian foreplay: Elbowing
his sleeping wife
he says "Hey, yoy awake?"
Australian foreplay: "Hey Sheila,
you awake?"
Tasmanian foreplay: "You awake,
sis?"
New Zealand foreplay: "You awake,
fluffy?"
There are no dress codes in Australian
pubs - just a sign
at the door saying
'Knuckles must not drag on the floor'.
The average Australian has one testicel and one breast.
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk
backwards, and are on the
Australian coat of arms for
that reason.
From: darrell94590 on 7/29/2006 (S496b)
The Local Area Network in Australia
is called
The LAN down under.
Q: Why is an Australian hunter
a good lover?
A: He goes deep into the bush,
shoots twice,
and always eats
what he shoots!
Q: How can you tell when a sick
Aussie is getting better?
A: He tries to blow the froth
off his medicine.
Q: What do you call an Aussie
sheepdog ?
A: A pimp.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus Christ born
in Australia?
A: Because they couldn't find
three wise men and a virgin.
Q: How do Australians count their
cows .....
A: 1... 2... 3... Hi honey...
5... 6... 7...
From: RFSlick on 4/26/99 (S117)
Q: Did you hear they found a
new use for sheep
in Australia?
A: Wool.
From: JBCARY1 on 8/22/2001 (S238)
Q: What do you call a boomerang
that doesn't work?
A: A stick.
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 |
Smiley in the Great Barrier
Reef from
Smiley_Central |