(Includes 22 jokes and articles)
Canadian flag from
Animation Factory
| Subj:
Canadian Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 22 jokes and articles) |
|
Canadian flag from Animation Factory |
Also see ARTISTS file - 'Sand
Sculptures From Vancouver'
BAR2 file - 'American,
Canadian, And An Australian
.........................In
A Seedy Bar
NATIONAL file- 'Cultural
Differences Explained'
PENIS1 file - 'Canadian
Sex Criminals'
STORIES file - 'America:
The Good Neighbor' in NonJokes
TATTOOS file - 'Returning
From Canada w/Tattoos'
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Subj: Identity
Thieves Steal House (S501)
From: jerry on 8/27/2006
In Ontario, Canada, anyone can
sell your house and keep the
money. And you? You simply
no longer have a house. That's
the end of the story.
89-year old Paul Reviczky owned
a rental property which he
bought in 1980 for $67,500,
the income from which he used
to help his family in Hungary.
One morning he woke up to
learn that someone faked his
signature and sold the property
for $450,000 and under Ontario
law, it belongs to the person
who bought it.
"Reviczky could not believe his
ears on June 26 when his
neighbour, a real estate agent,
told him she had noticed on
the computer that he had sold
his rental property in May.
'So I went back to my office,
got the record from the computer
and showed it to him,' Vivian
Ho told the Toronto Star. 'His
face turned red and I was worried
that he was going to have a
heart attack.'
"Reviczky's lawyer, Tonu Toome,
says it was "very painful" to
have to break the news to Reviczky
that he may lose his house
forever - even though he was
an innocent victim of fraud -
because Ontario law recognizes
the transaction as valid where
the purchaser is unaware of
the scam. "
"Susan Lawrence is a North York
widow who faces the loss of
the 100-year-old Victorian home
she had lived in for 30 years
- after criminals used publicly
available information to sell
her house without her knowledge
and put a $300,000 mortgage
on it."
"Elizabeth Shepherd, an actress,
lost her furnished Leslieville
home to identity thieves, who
rented the home and sold it to an
accomplice after creating a
false Elizabeth Shepherd. The
accomplice took out a $250,000
mortgage, defaulted and
disappeared."
The Toronto Star 26-Aug-06
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Subj: Canadian
Imposter Alert (S415b)
From: JokesUncut on 1/11/2005
As a fledgling Canadian, you
will have to be extra vigilant.
There are a lot of impostors
out there. If you suspect that
someone is falsely trying to
pass themselves off as a
Canadian, make the following
statement - and then carefully
note their reaction:
"Last night, I cashed my pogey
and went to buy a mickey of
C.C. at the beer parlour, but
my skidoo got stuck in the
muskeg on my way back to the
duplex. I was trying to deke
out a deer, you see. Damn chinook,
melted everything. And
then a Mountie snuck up behind
me in a ghost car and gave
me an impaired. I was S.O.L.,
sitting there dressed only
in my Stanfields and a toque
at the time. And the Mountie,
he's all chippy and everything,
calling me a "shit
disturber" and what not. What
could I say, except, "Chimo!"
If the person you are talking
to nods sympathetically,
they're one ofus. If, however,
they stare at you with a
blank incomprehension, they
are not a real Canadian. Have
them reported to the authorities
at once.
The passage cited above contains
no fewer than 19
different Canadianisms. In order:
pogey: EI (Employment insurance).
Money provided by the
government for not working.
mickey: A small bottle of booze
(13 oz) (A Texas mickey,
on the other hand, is a ridiculously
big bottle of booze,
which, despite the name, is
still a Canadianism through
and through.)
C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand
of rye. Not to be confused
with "hockey stick," another
kind of Canadian Club.
beer parlour: Like an ice cream
parlour, but for
Canadians.
skidoo: Self-propelled decapitation unit for teenagers.
muskeg: Boggy swampland.
duplex: A single building divided
in half with two sets of
inhabitants, each trying to
pretend the other doesn't exist
while at the same time managing
to drive each other crazy;
metaphor for Canada's french
and english.
deke: Used as a verb, it means
"to fool an opponent through
skillful misdirection." As a
noun, it is used most often in
exclamatory constructions, such
as: "Whadda deke!" Meaning,
"My, what an impressive display
of physical dexterity
employing misdirection and guile."
chinook: An unseasonably warm
wind that comes over the
Rockies and onto the plains,
melting snow banks in Calgary
but just missing Edmonton, much
to the pleasure of
Calgarians.
Mountie: Canadian icon, strong
of jaw, red of coat, pure of
heart. Always get their man!
(See also Pepper spray, uses
of.)
snuck: To have sneaked; to move,
past tense, in a sneaky
manner; non-restrictive extended
semi-gerundial form of
"did sneak." (We think.)
ghost car: An unmarked police
car, easily identifiable by
its inconspicuousness.
impaired: A charge of drunk driving.
Used both as a noun
and as an adjective (the alternative
adjectival from of
"impaired" being "pissed to
the gills").
S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.
Stanfields: Men's underwear,
especially Grandpa-style, white
cotton ones with a big elastic
waistband and a large
superfluous flap in the front.
And back!
toque: Canada's official National
Head Apparel, with about
the same suave sex appeal as
a pair of Stanfields.
chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately
aggressive;
constantly looking for a reason
to find offense; from "chip
on one's shoulder." (See Western
Canada)
shit disturber: (See Quebec)
a troublemaker or provocateur.
According to Katherine Barber,
editor in Chief of the
Canadian Oxford Dictionary,
"shit disturber" is a distinctly
Canadian term. (Just remember
that Western Canada is chippy
and Quebec is a shit disturber,
and you will do
fine.)
Chimo!: The last sound heard
before a Canadian falls over.
Passes out!
EH!
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Subj: Canada's
Jean Chretien Retires (S358b)
From: pns on 12/7/2003
At a dinner thrown in her husband's
honour, a man turned
to Madame Chretien and said,
"Your husband has been such
a prominent public figure with
such a busy schedule. How
quiet retirement will seem in
comparison. What are you
most looking forward to in these
retirement years?"
"A penis." replied Madame Aline Chretien.
A hush fell over the table.
Everyone heard her answer yet
no one knew what to say next.
Jean leaned over to his wife
and said, "Aline, in Hinglich
dey pronounce dat word, "Appiness."
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Subj: Snowplowing
In Ottawa (S295, s521B)
From: RFSlick on 9/23/2002
and
From: hellgunner50 on 1/14/2007
(See 'A
Blonde Stuck In A Snow Storm' in BLONDE2)
Jay and his blonde wife live
in Ottawa. One winter morning
while listening to CFRA, they
hear the announcer say, "We
are going to have 3 to 4 inches
of snow today. You must
park your car on the even numbered
side of the street, so
the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating
breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting
4 to 5 inches of snow
today. You must park your
car on the odd numbered side
of the street, so the snowplow
can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having
breakfast again, when the
radio announcer says "We are
expecting 10 to 12 inches of
snow today. You must park...",
then the electric power
goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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Subj: Canadian
And American Discuss Breakfast (S156)
From: RFSlick on 01/25/2000
(Also see 'French
And American Meet At Breakfast' in French)
An American is having his breakfast
(coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and jam) when
a Canadian man, chewing gum,
sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Canadian
who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.
Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge
bubble) "We don't. In
Canada, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect
in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants
and sell them to America."
The Canadian has a smirk on his
face. The American listens
in silence. The Canadian
persists: "Do you eat jelly with
the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between
his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat
fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,
and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them
into jam and sell the jam to
America."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do",
the Canadian says with a
big smirk.
American: "And what do you do
with the condoms once you've
used Them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In
America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down
into chewing gum and sell them
to Canada."
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Subj: And
God Created Canada (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #296 ON 4/12/99
On the sixth day God turned to
the angel Gabriel and said,
"Today I am going to create
a land called Canada. It will
be a land of outstanding natural
beauty, it shall have tall
majestic mountains full of mountain
goats and eagles,
beautifully sparkling lakes
bountiful with carp and trout,
forests full of elk and moose,
high cliffs overlooking sandy
beaches with an abundance of
sea life, and rivers stocked
with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make
the land rich in oil so to make
the inhabitants prosper, I shall
call these inhabitants
Canadians, they shall be known
as the friendliest people on
the Earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't
you think you are being
too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just
wait and see the neighbors
I'm going to give them!"
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Subj: Newfie,
Quebecer, And Albertan Find Genie (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #155 on 98-06-24
(Also see 'Canadian,
Bin Ladin And Uncle Sam Find Genie' in Genie)
Three guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer
and an Albertan are out
walking along the beach
together one day. They come
across a lantern and a
Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish,
that's three wishes total",
says the Genie. The Newfie
says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's
a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman
and my son will be one
too. I want all the oceans
full of fish for all eternity."
With a blink of the Genie's eye,
,FOOM' the oceans were
teaming with fish.
The Quebecer was amazed, so he
said, "I want a wall around
Quebec, so that nothing will
get in for all eternity." Again,
with a blink of the Genie's
eye, ,POOF' there was a huge wall
around Quebec.
The Albertan asks, "I'm very
curious. Please tell me more
about this wall." The
Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150
feet high, 50 feet thick and
nothing can get in or out."
The Albertan says, "Fill it
up with water."
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Subj: American,
Scot And Canadian Die (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #135 on 98-06-01
An American, a Scot and a Canadian
were in a terrible car
accident. They were all
brought to the same emergency room,
but all three of them died before
they arrived. Just as
they were about to put the toe
tag on the American, he
stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and
nurses present asked him what
happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I
remember the crash, and then
there was a beautiful light,
and then the Canadian and the
Scot and I were standing at
the gates of heaven. St. Peter
approached us and said that
we were all too young to die,
and that for a donation of $50,
we could return to the earth.
So of course I pulled out my
wallet and gave him the $50, and
the next thing I knew I was
back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of
the doctors, "But what happened
to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the
American, "the Scot was
haggling over the price and
the Canadian was waiting for the
government to pay for his."
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Subj: An Ontarian
Wanted To Become A Newfie (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #135 on 98-06-01
An Ontarian wanted to become
a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander).
He went to a neurosurgeon and
asked "Is there anything you
can do to me that would make
me into a Newfie?"
"Sure, it's easy." replied the
neurosurgeon. "All I have to
do is cut out 1/3 of your brain,
and you'll be a Newfie."
The Ontarian was very pleased,
and immediately underwent the
operation. However, the surgeon's
knife slipped, and instead
of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's
brain, the surgeon
accidentally cut out 2/3 of
the patient's brain. He was
terribly remorseful, and waited
impatiently beside the
patient's bed as the patient
recovered from the anesthetic.
As soon as the patient was conscious,
the nurosurgeon said
to him "I'm terribly sorry,
but there was a ghastly accident.
Instead of cutting out 1/3 of
your brain, I accidentally cut
out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
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Subj: Short Canadian
Jokes
 |
Subj:
Butchart Gardens (S584 in Fantastic Pictures)
From: darrellvip on 4/2/2008 |
| Subj:
Thousand Islands Of The St Lawrence (S572c)
From: darrellvip on 1/7/2008 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Oh Canada Power Point Show (S493)
From: auntiegah on 7/7/2006 |
| Subj:
Nice Beaver (S483b)
From: BoozeTime.com on 4/28/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: A Canadian
Complains (S278b)
From: ezines.twistedhumor.com on 5/30/2002
(See 'The
Benefits Of Shopping Globally' in JOB2)
A Canadian is someone who drinks
Brazilian coffee from an
English teacup and munches a
French pastry while sitting
on their Danish furniture having
just come home from an
Italian movie in their German
car.
He/She picks up their Japanese
pen and writes to their
Member of Parliament to complain
about the American take-
over of the Canadian publishing
business.
Top
Subj: The
Naming Of Canada (S194)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/20/2000
The first Canadians are debating
over what to name their country.
The first one says, "Let's
start out with a C, eh?"
The second one replies,
"Then let's continue on with an N, eh?"
The third one says, "And let's
end with a D, eh?"
What flag is flying over the
Parliament building
on
the Canadian two-dollar bill?
On a Canadian two dollar bill,
the flag flying
over the Parliament
building is an American flag.
In Canada we have two Seasons...six
months of winter and six
months of poor snowmobiling.
In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's
Centennial Baby, being the
first baby born on the centennial
anniversary of Canada's
independence.
A French guest, staying in a
hotel in Edmonton phoned room
service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?"
asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
From: humorlist-digest V2 #135 on 98-06-01
A Canadian is walking down the
street with a case of beer under his
arm.His friend Doug stops
him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case
of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh."
answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
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