.
Subj:     Canadian Jokes
                 (Includes 32 jokes and articles, 22872,13,cf,md4v,12)

Canadian flag from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Travel Alberta's Remember To Breathe Commercial (S795)
.........................Canadian And American Discuss Breakfast (S156)
.........................RC Helicopter Films Niagara Falls, Ontario - Video (S846)
.........................Identity Thieves Steal House (S501)
.........................Tom Brokaw Explains Canada To Americans - Video (S726)
.........................And God Created Canada (DU)
.........................Jim Carrey Explains Canada - Video (S691)
.........................Canadian Imposter Alert (S415b)
.........................The Protector - Video (S614b)
.........................Canada's Jean Chretien Retires (S358b)
.........................Snowplowing In Ottawa (S295, S521b)
.........................Canadian Speed Control - Video (S664)
.........................Newfie, Quebecer, And Albertan Find Genie (DU)
.........................American, Scot And Canadian Die (DU)
.........................Cartoony Prank - Video (S766)
.........................An Ontarian Wanted To Become A Newfie (DU)
........................."STRONGER BEER" Tim Hicks - Lyric Video (S872)
                         Short Canadian Jokes
..............................Daylight Saving Time (S669)
..............................Why Saskatchewan Has No Daylight Saving Time (S617b)
..............................Butchart Gardens (S584)
..............................A Canadian Complains (S278b)
..............................Thousand Islands Of The St Lawrence - PPS (S572c)
..............................Oh Canada - PPS (S493)
..............................The Naming Of Canada (S194)
..............................Nice Beaver - Video (S483b)

Also see ARTISTS file - 'Sand Sculptures From Vancouver'
         BAR2 file    - 'American, Canadian, And An Australian
.........................In A Seedy Bar
         COWBOY2 file - 'Cowboy Vacation In Alberta' - Video
         NATIONAL file- 'Cultural Differences Explained'
         PENIS1 file  - 'Canadian Sex Criminals'
         SOLDIER-SUPP - 'Picking off the Taliban'
         STORIES file - 'America: The Good Neighbor' in NonJokes
         TATTOOS file - 'Returning From Canada w/Tattoos'
============================================================Top
Subj:     Travel Alberta's Remember To Breathe Commercial (S795d)
          From: tom
         on 4/10/2012
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=ThFCg0tBDck
 Source2: http://www.buzzbishop.com/blog/
..........2012/03/09/remember-to-breathe/

 Travel Alberta's Remember to Breathe commercial is spectacular.
 It won the Diamond Award as the best entry in the annual Golden
 City Gate international film and media competition at the
 International Tourism Fair in Berlin.

 Click on either source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this fast
 paced, awesome, hi def scenery.

Top
Subj:     Canadian And American Discuss Breakfast (S156)
          From: RFSlick on 01/25/2000
.(Also see 'French And American Meet At Breakfast' in French)

 An American is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants,
 bread, butter and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum,
 sits down next to him.  The American ignores the Canadian
 who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

 Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

 American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

 Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.  In
 Canada, we only eat what's inside.  The crusts we collect
 in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants
 and sell them to America."

 The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens
 in silence.  The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with
 the bread??"

 American: "Of Course."

 Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
 "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
 we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers,
 recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
 America."

 The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"

 Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a
 big smirk.

 American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
 used Them?"

 Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

 American: "We don't.  In America, we put them in a container,
 recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
 to Canada."

Top
Subj:     RC Helicopter Films
.............Niagara Falls, Ontario (S846d)
          Made by SkyMotionVideo on 3/31/13
 Source1: http://www.wimp.com/helicopterfilms/
 Source2: http://www.SkyMotionVideo.com
.
.SkyMotionVideo makes promotional videos with breath-taking
and dynamic aerial images
using their RC helicopter
for filming.

Click on top two source,
or 'HERE' for my copy,
to see these wonderful
aerial clips.
.
Photo from YouTube.com

.
Top
Subj:     Identity Thieves Steal House (S501)
          From: jerry on 8/27/2006

 In Ontario, Canada, anyone can sell your house and keep the
 money.  And you? You simply no longer have a house.  That's
 the end of the story.

 89-year old Paul Reviczky owned a rental property which he
 bought in 1980 for $67,500, the income from which he used
 to help his family in Hungary.  One morning he woke up to
 learn that someone faked his signature and sold the property
 for $450,000 and under Ontario law, it belongs to the person
 who bought it.

 "Reviczky could not believe his ears on June 26 when his
 neighbour, a real estate agent, told him she had noticed on
 the computer that he had sold his rental property in May.
 'So I went back to my office, got the record from the computer
 and showed it to him,' Vivian Ho told the Toronto Star.  'His
 face turned red and I was worried that he was going to have a
 heart attack.'

 "Reviczky's lawyer, Tonu Toome, says it was "very painful" to
 have to break the news to Reviczky that he may lose his house
 forever - even though he was an innocent victim of fraud -
 because Ontario law recognizes the transaction as valid where
 the purchaser is unaware of the scam."

 "Susan Lawrence is a North York widow who faces the loss of
 the 100-year-old Victorian home she had lived in for 30 years
 - after criminals used publicly available information to sell
 her house without her knowledge and put a $300,000 mortgage
 on it."

 "Elizabeth Shepherd, an actress, lost her furnished Leslieville
 home to identity thieves, who rented the home and sold it to an
 accomplice after creating a false Elizabeth Shepherd.  The
 accomplice took out a $250,000 mortgage, defaulted and
 disappeared."

 The Toronto Star 26-Aug-06

Top
Subj:     Tom Brokaw Explains Canada To Americans
          From: Wimp.com
          on 12/9/2010 (S726d)
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrA4V6YF6SA
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/explainscanada/

 Tom Brokaw explains the relationship between Canada and
 The United States, in a pre-recorded short film that
 aired on NBC, prior to the Opening Ceremonies of the 2010
 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver, British Columbia,
 Canada on Feb. 12th, 2010.  Click on either source, or
 'HERE' for my copy, to see this great, emotional video.

Top
Subj:     And God Created Canada (DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #296 ON 4/12/99

 On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said,
 "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.  It will
 be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall
 majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles,
 beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with carp and trout,
 forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy
 beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked
 with salmon."

 God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make
 the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants
 Canadians, they shall be known as the friendliest people on
 the Earth."

 "But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being
 too generous to these Canadians?"

 "Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbors
 I'm going to give them!"

Top
Subj:     Jim Carrey Explains Canada (S691d)
          From: Wimp.com on 3/23/2010
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source1: http://www.wimp.com/jimcarrey/
 Source2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ic3xNfEP_o

 Click on either source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see
 this funny stand-up comedy routine by Jim Carrey.  The
 routine was done during beginning his career.  Jim
 discusses being from Canada.

Top
Subj:     Canadian Imposter Alert (S415b)
          From: JokesUncut on 1/11/2005

 As a fledgling Canadian, you will have to be extra vigilant.
 There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that
 someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a
 Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully
 note their reaction:

 "Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of
 C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the
 muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke
 out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And
 then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave
 me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only
 in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie,
 he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "shit
 disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Chimo!"

 If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically,
 they're one ofus. If, however, they stare at you with a
 blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have
 them reported to the authorities at once.

 The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19
 different Canadianisms. In order:

 pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the
 government for not working.

 mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey,
 on the other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze,
 which, despite the name, is still a Canadianism through
 and through.)

 C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused
 with "hockey stick," another kind of Canadian Club.

 beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for
 Canadians.

 skidoo: Self-propelled decapitation unit for teenagers.

 muskeg: Boggy swampland.

 duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of
 inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other doesn't exist
 while at the same time managing to drive each other crazy;
 metaphor for Canada's french and english.

 deke: Used as a verb, it means "to fool an opponent through
 skillful misdirection." As a noun, it is used most often in
 exclamatory constructions, such as: "Whadda deke!" Meaning,
 "My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity
 employing misdirection and guile."

 chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the
 Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary
 but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of
 Calgarians.

 Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of
 heart. Always get their man! (See also Pepper spray, uses
 of.)

 snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky
 manner; non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of
 "did sneak." (We think.)

 ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by
 its inconspicuousness.

 impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun
 and as an adjective (the alternative adjectival from of
 "impaired" being "pissed to the gills").

 S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.

 Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white
 cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a large
 superfluous flap in the front. And back!

 toque: Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about
 the same suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields.

 chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive;
 constantly looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip
 on one's shoulder." (See Western Canada)

 shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or provocateur.
 According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the
 Canadian Oxford Dictionary, "shit disturber" is a distinctly
 Canadian term. (Just remember that Western Canada is chippy
 and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do
 fine.)

 Chimo!: The last sound heard before a Canadian falls over.
 Passes out!

 EH!

Top
Subj:     The Protector (S614b,d)
          From: gattica30 on 10/9/2008
 This commercial for Terra, Canada's toughest safety
 boot, is excellent.  Click 'HERE' to see it.

Top
Subj:     Canada's Jean Chretien Retires (S358b)
          From: pns on 12/7/2003

 At a dinner thrown in her husband's honour, a man turned
 to Madame Chretien and said, "Your husband has been such
 a prominent public figure with such a busy schedule.  How
 quiet retirement will seem in comparison.  What are you
 most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

 "A penis." replied Madame Aline Chretien.

 A hush fell over the table.  Everyone heard her answer yet
 no one knew what to say next.  Jean leaned over to his wife
 and said, "Aline, in Hinglich dey pronounce dat word, "Appiness."

Top
Subj:     Snowplowing In Ottawa (S295, s521B)
          From: RFSlick on 9/23/2002
      and From: hellgunner50 on 1/14/2007
          (See 'A Blonde Stuck In A Snow Storm' in BLONDE2)

 Jay and his blonde wife live in Ottawa.  One winter morning
 while listening to CFRA, they hear the announcer say, "We
 are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today.  You must
 park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so
 the snowplow can get through."

 Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.

 A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
 announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow
 today.  You must park your car on the odd numbered side
 of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

 Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.

 The next week they are having breakfast again, when the
 radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of
 snow today.  You must park...", then the electric power
 goes out.

 Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

 Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Top
Subj:     Canadian Speed Control (S664)
          From: ft.apache
          on 9/26/2009
 Source: http://roadsafety.wordpress.com/2009/04/24
........./brilliant-speed-control-in-canada/

 How's this for "speed control"?  I don't know about you,
 but this would slow me down!  People slow down and try to
 "straddle" the hole, then breath a sigh of relief, they
 completely cleared it!

 This is actually a speed control device that is in use.
 Scroll down and look at all three pictures.  And it is
 much cheaper than speed cameras!  Click 'HERE' to see
 this speed control.

Top
Subj:     Newfie, Quebecer, And Albertan Find Genie (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #155 on 98-06-24
          (Also see 'Canadian, Bin Ladin And Uncle Sam Find Genie' in Genie)

 Three guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan are out
 walking  along the beach together one day.  They come
 across a lantern and a  Genie pops out of it.

 "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total",
 says the Genie.  The Newfie says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's
 a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one
 too.  I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

 With a blink of the Genie's eye, ,FOOM' the oceans were
 teaming with  fish.

 The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
 Quebec, so that nothing will get in for all eternity."  Again,
 with a blink of the Genie's eye, ,POOF' there was a huge wall
 around Quebec.

 The Albertan asks, "I'm very curious.  Please tell me more
 about this wall."  The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150
 feet high, 50 feet thick and  nothing can get in or out."
 The Albertan says, "Fill it up with water."

Top
Subj:     American, Scot And Canadian Die (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #135 on 98-06-01

 An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car
 accident.  They were all brought to the same emergency room,
 but all three of them died before they arrived.  Just as
 they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he
 stirred and opened his eyes.  Astonished, the doctors and
 nurses present asked him what happened.

 "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then
 there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the
 Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.  St. Peter
 approached us and said that we were all too young to die,
 and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth.
 So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and
 the next thing I knew I was back here."

 "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened
 to the other two?"

 "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was
 haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the
 government to pay for his."

Top
Subj:     Cartoony Prank (S766d)
          From: Wimp.com
         on 9/1/2011
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvJZVq5_cGs&ob=av3e
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/cartoonyprank/
 Source3: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_For_Laughs_Gags

 This video is a presentation of the Just For Laughs Gags,
 a Canadian silent comedy/hidden camera television show.
 In the Cartoony Prank there's a pair of twin cops and a
 pair of twin thieves but two of them are hidden at first.
 The thief steals a bag from an unsuspecting victim.  The
 cop shows up and runs after the thief while drawing the
 victim with him.  They stumble on a Scooby Doo movie set
 and do the whole "people running after one another and
 coming in and out of different doors routine".

 Click on either of the first two source, or 'HERE' for my
 copy, to see this very funny, cute, wonderful routine.

Top
Subj:     An Ontarian Wanted To Become A Newfie (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #135 on 98-06-01

 An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander).
 He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you
 can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

 "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to
 do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."
 The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the
 operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead
 of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon
 accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was
 terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the
 patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.
 As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said
 to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident.
 Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut
 out 2/3 of your brain."

 The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

Top
Subj:     "STRONGER BEER" Tim Hicks - Lyric Video (S872d)
          From Boo Jarvis on Facebook on 8/29/2013
Photo from CommodoreBallRoom.ca
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/2E064kb3UnU

 A cute comparison by a local singer named Tim Hicks showing
 the sweet differences from US of A and Canada.  Really worth
 watching.

 Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see and
 hear this fun song.


Subj:    Short Canadian Jokes

Top
Subj:     Daylight Saving Time (S669)
          From: LABLaughs on 11/6/2009
 Source: http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/x055.html
 Click 'HERE' to see this wonderful drawing with a great
 Native American quotation.
 

Top
Subj:     Why Saskatchewan Has No Daylight Saving Time (S617b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 11/6/2008
Source: http://wwp.greenwichmeantime.com
......../daylight-saving-time/canada/saskatchewan/

 Saskatchewan listened to the Wise Old Indian.

 When told the reason for daylight saving time the old
 Indian said, 'Only a white man would believe that you
 could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it
 to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.'
 
 

Top
Subj:     Butchart Gardens (S584 in Fantastic Pictures)
          From: darrellvip
         on 4/2/2008
 Fall at Butchart Gardens, Victoria, B. C., Canada
 It's hard to believe anything could be this beautiful.
 You can view these eight pictures by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     A Canadian Complains (S278b)
          From: ezines.twistedhumor.com on 5/30/2002
          (See 'The Benefits Of Shopping Globally' in JOB2)
 A Canadian is someone who drinks Brazilian coffee from an
 English teacup and munches a French pastry while sitting
 on their Danish furniture having just come home from an
 Italian movie in their German car.

 He/She picks up their Japanese pen and writes to their
 Member of Parliament to complain about the American take-
 over of the Canadian publishing business.
 

Top
Subj:    Thousand Islands Of The St Lawrence
         From: darrellvip
         on 1/7/2008 (S572c)
 Absolutely breathtaking scenery.  Most of us have never visited
 the thousand islands so you will enjoy the pictures. Also some
 fantastic homes and of course Bolt Castle.  Click 'HERE' to
 view this beautiful PowerPoint Show.
 

Top
Subj:     Oh Canada Power Point Show (S493)
          From: auntiegah
          on 7/7/2006
 This beautiful Power Point Show takes you on a tour of
 Canada.  Click 'HERE' to view it.
 

Top
Subj:     The Naming Of Canada (S194)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/20/2000
 The first Canadians are debating over what to name their country.
 The first one says,  "Let's start out with a C, eh?"
 The second one replies,  "Then let's continue on with an N, eh?"
 The third one says, "And let's end with a D, eh?"
 

Top
Subj:     Nice Beaver (S483b,d)
          From: BoozeTime.com
          on 4/28/2006
 Source: http://www.boozetime.com/viewclip.php?media_id=226
 This is a cute beer commercial that can be viewed at
 the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 
 

 What flag is flying over the Parliament building
      on the Canadian two-dollar bill?
 On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying
    over the Parliament building is an American flag.

 In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six
 months of poor snowmobiling.

 In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.

 Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the
 first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's
 independence.

 A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room
 service for some pepper.
 "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
 "Toilette  pepper!"

From: humorlist-digest V2 #135 on 98-06-01
 A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his
 arm.His  friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case
 of beer for?"
 "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
 "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

 Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

 There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.

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                           -(o o)-
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............................From Smiley_Central
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