Englishman

Subj:     Englishman Jokes
                 (Includes 48 jokes, 08 1121n,23,cf,wYT2c,15)
..........L5 Update
          Click "Here" for Englishman-Supp
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UK flag from
Animation Factory

..............................Church Signs In England (S679b)
..............................One Queen, 11 U.S.Presidents (S673b)
..............................The Queen And Men In Kilts (S609b)
..............................European Heaven And Hell (S129, S494c)
..............................Photographing Thugs 'Is Assault' (S602)
..............................An American In London (S129, S494c)
..............................Islamic Peace March, London (S496b)

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Subj:     Queen Elizabeth WWII Mechanic (S935)
          From: tom in 2014
Source1: www.all-that-is-interesting.com/
..........queen-elizabeth-ii-mechanic-photo
Source2: www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II
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..........
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..........In February 1945, Elizabeth II joined the Women's
..........Auxiliary Territorial Service, as an honorary
..........Second Subaltern with the service number of 230873.
..........She trained as a driver and mechanic, drove a
..........military truck, and was promoted to honorary
..........Junior Commander five months later. She is the
..........last surviving head of state who served in uniform
..........during the Second World War.
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Subj:     The T-Mobile Royal Wedding (S741)
          From: T-Mobile in 2011 (d-iFrame)
..........At: www.youtube.com/embed/Kav0FEhtLug

T-Mobile's Royal Wedding Dance celebrates the marriage of
William and Kate with the help of a host of royal look
alikes and music from East 17! Click 'HERE' to see this
very cute, festive video.

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Subj: Hugh Laurie - Comedy Sketch
in 2011 (S742d-On Site)
Source1: www.wimp.com/namesir/

Source2: www.youtube.com/embed/hNoS2BU6bbQ

Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie perform a hilarious short
comedy sketch in a police station. A man making a
statement has a surname that is pretty hard to pronounce!
Watch this classic moment from the ground-breaking comedy
sketch show 'A Bit of Fry and Laurie' for free with BBC
Worldwide. Click 'HERE' to see this very cute comedy
sketch from Hugh Laurie's early days on British TV.

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Subj: The London Eye (S729)
From: darrellvip in 2011
..........At: www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/London_Eye

The Merlin Entertainments London Eye (commonly the London
Eye, or Millennium Wheel, formerly the British Airways
London Eye) is a giant 135-metre (443 ft) tall Ferris wheel
situated on the banks of the River Thames in the British capital.

It is the tallest Ferris wheel in Europe, and the most popular
paid tourist attraction in the United Kingdom, visited by over
3.5 million people annually. When erected in 1999, it was the
tallest Ferris wheel in the world.
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Subj:     A Look from the London Eye (d-iFrame)
Source: www.youtube.com/embed/rVg2XVeUIFM
Click 'HERE' for a video view of a trip around

London's famous sightseeing platform.
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Subj:     London Fireworks on New Year's Day 2010 (S830d-iFrame)
Source: www.youtube.com/embed/zdU-YUSzkUI
Click 'HERE' for a video of London's spectacular

midnight fireworks display, welcoming in 2010.
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Subj:     London's Eye In A PowerPoint Show
Source: www.landiss.com/share/Scenics_Cute/LondonEye.pps
Click 'HERE' for a great PowerPoint tour

and explanation of the Eye.
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Top
Subj:     Elderly Frenchman See A Couple Making Love (S70, DU)
          From: thebartend in 1998

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over
his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze
spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and
continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!
Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as
he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He
came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
"Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in
farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you
are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze
air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of
the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field,
confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-
stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is
Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple
naked 'aving sex "

To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You
must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour!
Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in
reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black
medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and
other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down
to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants
he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at
the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently,
and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not
dead, she is British"

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Subj: Hollie Steel-Britain's Got Talent
From: darrellvip
..........in 2009 (S673d-iFrame)

Source: www.youtube.com/embed/bOeWz2k4tTI

Britain's Got Talent - Show 3: 10-year-old Hollie looks
like any other little girl wanting to be a ballerina...
that is until she opens her mouth and you hear Julie Andrews.

Click 'HERE' to listen to this extraordinary voice.

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Subj:     A Well Planned Retirement!!! (S652b)
          From: darrellvip in 2009
          From The London Times: May 15, 2009
Source: www.snopes.com/crime/clever/carpark.asp

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot
for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by
a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging
cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches were charged at £5
(about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25
years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for
work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone
up the City Council and get them to send a new parking
attendant..." "No", said the Council, when contacted, "....
that parking lot is totally your responsibility." "No, it
isn't", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the parking attendant
was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" "NO! He was
NOT" insisted the Council.

So, sitting in his lovely villa somewhere on the South Coast
of Spain, is a happy bloke who had been taking the parking
lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol
Zoo for the last 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6
million ($7 million)! And no one even knows his name!!

»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«

This great story is just an Urban Legend according to
Snopes.com at www.snopes.com/crime/clever/carpark.asp

Top

Subj: Susan Boyle On Britains Got Talent (S640)
From: brucejohnsonbaugh in 2009 (d-iFrame)
..........At: www.youtube.com/embed/RxPZh4AnWyk

Watch the shots of the audience as this woman, Susan Boyle,
is introduced. Her physical appearance and somewhat awkward
responses got reactions from the judges and members of the
audience that should make us all rethink the next time we
prejudge anyone on first appearances. Click 'HERE' to see
the outcome!

Top
Subj: Prince Charles Vs The Photographer (S457b)
From: LABLaughsAdult in 2005

Prince Charles is having a shower. Although he is in a
loving relationship he occasionally feels the need to empty
his scrotal sacs, and this is one of these occasions. Just
as he shoots his load, he sees a photographer taking a
picture of the Royal seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" says the Prince. "You can't do that.
You'll destroy the reputation of the Monarchy. And my
mother will have another fit!"

"This picture is my lottery win" says the photographer.
"I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Prince offers to buy the camera off the photographer,
and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a
figure of two million quid.

The Prince then dries himself off, and heads off with his
new Camera.

He meets one of his many housekeepers, who spots the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera, Charles" she says,
"how much did it cost you?"

"Two million quid" replies Charles.

"TWO MILLION QUID!" says the housekeeper, "They must have
seen you coming..."

Top

     by John Graziano in 2010 (S684)

Source: www.gocomics.com/ripleysbelieveitornot/2010/02/23
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Subj:     Earthquake in Albania (S360)
          From: thejokelibrary.com in 2003

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has
hit Albania this morning. 350,000 Albanians are missing,
and over a million have been reported injured. The country
is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing help. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to assist the country.
The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
France is sending doctors, nurses and medical supplies.
Russia is sending tents and warm clothing.
The UK is sending 135,000 replacement Albanians.

Top

Subj: Paul Potts Sings Opera
From: samhutkins
..........in 2007 (S550d-iFrame)

Source: www.youtube.com/embed/1k08yxu57NA

Paul Potts, a mobile phone salesman from South Wales,
sings Nessun dorma on UK talent show "Britain's got
Talent" featuring Simon Cowell as a judge. You can
view it 'HERE' to hear this amazing singer.

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Subj: British Soldiers Return From Falkland (608b)
From: ipkis in 1997

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for
their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island,
three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle
were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't
actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any
medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your
efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let
each of you choose two points on your body. You will be
given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between
those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it
be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to
140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstreched hand to
the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to
144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange request, but drop trou, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where
are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

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Subj:     The British Dry Cleaners (S477b)
          From: darrell94590 (d-On Site,MP4)
          in 2006 (in Other-Occup)

At: www.jokelibrary.net/occupations/s_to_z/z_oth-cleaners.mp4

A cute British film. You can view this video by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj: American Needs To Piss In London (S340b)
From: woneye in 2003

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take
a leak something terrible. After a long search he just
couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So
he went down one of the side streets to take care of
business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police
officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of
grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the
policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started
pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning
toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this
British courtesy?"

"No," said the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

.Top

Subj: The Red Sparrows (S665b)
From: rfslick
..........in 2009 (d-iFrame)

Source: www.youtube.com/embed/f_lXqMmevog

The Red Sparrows is a bunch of English Firemen in little
planes performing death defying stunts with less than
realistic props, what a laugh! Click 'HERE' to see
this cute, strange video.

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Subj: The Pope And The Queen On A Balcony (S59, DU)
From: thebartend on 1998

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony
beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.
The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth
"I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person
in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen
says, "Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and
every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving
their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,
basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I
going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns
to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH
person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the
rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

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Subj:     Prince Harry's Bachelor Party (S1111)
          From: Andrew Fine in 2018
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Subj:     Royalty On Safari (S27, DU)
          From: ipkis 1997

Queen Elizabeth and Princess Diana were on an African safari.
While riding in a Range Rover, they were ambushed by a group
of bandits.

Being well-read thugs, they immediately recognized the royal
ladies. "I know you," the bandit chief said to the Queen,
"You're the richest woman in the world. Hand over all your
money and be quick about it."

"I am terrible sorry," Her Majesty replied. "It is true that
I am very wealthy, but I never carry cash on my person. You
can search me if you like, but I have nothing to give you."

Frustrated, the robber turned to the Princess. "You never
go anywhere without dripping with jewelry," he growled.
"Hand over all the jewelry before I kill you both."

"I am so sorry," said Her Highness, "But this is a safari.
It would have been in dreadful taste for me to wear any
jewels. You can search me also, but I have nothing to
give you either."

Growling with frustration and rage, the bandit chief
ordered them out of the Rover, loaded it up with his
men, and drove off in cloud of dust. After a little
while, Princess Diana turned to the Queen by the side
of the road and said, "By the way, I happen to know that
you always carry a large sum of money with you. How did
you save it?"

Primly, Queen Elizabeth replied, "Well, I saw the
miscreants ahead on the road, and took the opportunity
to hid my money in... ahem... a woman's private place,
you know." Reaching down she pulled out a roll of
banknotes.

The Queen continued, "But what about you, my dear? With
my own eyes I saw the diamond set you had on this morning.
How did you happen to save it?"

Blushing a little, Diana confessed "Well, I too saw the
robbers lying in wait, and had enough warning to hide my
jewelry in ...umm ... a woman's private place." Reaching
down, she pulled out a handful of sparkling gemstones,
and fastened them back in place.

The two ladies stood in silence for a few moments. Then
the Queen remarked, "Pity Fergie isn't here. We might
have saved the Rover."

Top

Subj: Britains Got Talent Striptease (S665)
From: tom in 2009 (d-iFrame)
..........At:.www.youtube.com/embed/76wj1VY0mQw

This striptease on Britains Got Talent is very funny.
Click 'HERE' to see cute routine.

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Subj: Why British Are Superior To Americans (S81, DU)
From: Anaise in 1998

In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian
John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are
superior to Americans:

1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship they invite other
countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go
down on one knee.

Top

Subj: Granny Stops Car Thieves
From: tom in 2010
..........(S699d-iFrame, in Cars2)

Source: www.youtube.com/embed/Q1wrCR_Gq0g

This British ad for free eye tests at St. Johns Eye
Care Center is a very cute video. Click 'HERE'
to see this great ad.

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Subj: Learning English In England (S388b)
From: jerry in 2004

If any of you Americans believe you might be heading out to
the "other side of the big pond" sometime, i.e., to England,
you may want to bone up on a few unfamiliar phrases for if
you don't and perchance you arrive at the airport without
your bags arriving with you and you are told to go to the
"left luggage room" you may find yourself walking up and
down the same corridor looking for a room called the "luggage
room" that is supposed to be on your left and feeling awfully
frustrated. The "left luggage room" is what we call the
"Lost and Found." Oh, and never ask someone where the nearest
subway is because the subway is not the underground train
system but something beneath a pedestrian overpass.

So here's the key to communicating with a Brit:

.sleeping room=bedsitter
.truck=lorry
.big truck (tractor/trailer)=articulated lorry
.vacation=holiday
.holiday= [I dunno]
.cookies=biscuits
.biscuits=[I dunno]
.crackers=crispbread
.waiting in line=queuing
.private hospital=nursing home
.nursing home=[I dunno]
.whole wheat=wholemeal
.oatmeal=porridge
.french fries or freedom fries = chips
.chips=potato crisps
.hard candies=boiled sweets
.divided highway=dual carriageway
.barricade=crush barrier
.cashier=cashpoint
.camping trailer=caravan
.caravan=[I dunno]
.trailer park=caravan park
.Archie Bunker=Alf Garnett
.baked potato=jacket potato
.rummage sale=jumble sale
.tear gas=CS gas
.LP gas=Calor gas
.Loudspeaker=tannoy

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Subj: Learning English In England-Supp (S388b)
From: jerry in 2004

My boyfriend was visiting the other side of the big pond
during a stint back in the 70's for the USAF, he was
awakened very early after a particularly long night out by
a beautiful 'chesty' girl who told him, in a perfect
English accent "I knocked you up to tell you that you have
t*its in your milk".

He was so confused until he realized that the milk delivery
had been left on the stoop and the milk had been invaded by
little sparrow like birds (t*its) and that being knocked up,
in England, is akin to having your door being knocked on and
woken up in East Texas!!

--Donna Jackson

Top

by John Graziano in 2009 (S628b)

Source: www.gocomics.com/ripleysbelieveitornot/2009/01/20
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Subj: Short Englishman Jokes

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Subj: Church Signs In England
From: samhutkins in 2010
..........(S679b, in Signs-Supp)

The English have always had away with words! Click
'HERE' to see fourteen, funny, English church signs.

Top

Subj: One Queen, 11 U.S.Presidents
From: Wimp.com in 2009
Source: (Removed from dump.com) (S673b)

This set of pictures of Queen Elisabeth and eleven
U.S.Presidents is quite nice. Click 'HERE' to see it.

Top

Subj: The Queen And Men In Kilts (S609b)
From: tom in 2008

You can view this cute photo of the Queen of England
posing with a set of soldiers by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: European Heaven And Hell (S129, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com in 1999
Euro-Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are
French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's
all organized by the Swiss.

Euro-Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics
French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all
organized by the Italians.

Top

Subj:     Photographing Thugs 'Is Assault'
          From: BoneheadOfTheDayAward
          in 2008 (S602)

Source: www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1036728
........./Photographing-thugs-assault-police-tell-householder-
.........snapping-proof-anti-social-behaviour.html?ITO=1490#
A UK man, harassed for months by rock throwing youths,
takes a picture of his tormentors. Police arrive to warn
him that taking pictures of teens is considered "assault".
You can read this bizarre story by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj: An American In London (S129, S494c)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com in 1999
An American was waiting on a London street corner. An
attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind
blew her dress above her waist.

"A bit airy..." remarked the American.

Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, " 'ell
yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"

Top

Subj: Islamic Peace March, London (S496b)
From: darrell94590 in 2006

This web page contains nine pictures of Moslems who
marched throughout the streets of London during their
recent "Religion of Peace Demonstration". Please take
a minute to read the signs. Click 'HERE' to view.

Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the
Church of England.

Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They
were seventh cousins.

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the
same airplane just in case there is a crash.

In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was
burnt down but only 6 people were injured.

Where was Winston Churchill born? (bonus question: during
what event?)
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Margaret Thatcher is out dining with her cabinet.
The waiter says, "What will you have?"
Thatcher says, "I'll have lamb."
"And the vegetables?"
"They can order for themselves."

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but
only in tropical fish stores. (of course!!)

From: RFSlick in 1998
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set
yourselves apart too much. Look at me...in me, I have
Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and
some Swedish blood.
What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

From: The Bartenders Joke of the Day in 1998
The Queen was showing the Archbishop around the
Royal Stables when a stallion farted very loudly.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm sorry about that."
"That's okay" said the archbishop, "I thought it was
the horse."

Seen in a gents room in London recently:
   "Doctor, I think my wife's dead."
   "Oh, really? What makes you think that?"
   "Well, the sex is great, but my dirty washing's piling up."

From: ossama in 1998
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that
someone in the Royal family fucked someone in the Royal
family?" -- Robin Williams

From: janeenmarie in 2006 (S492b)
"The greatest good you can do for another is not just
to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own."
-- Benjamin Disraeli 1804-1881, Former British Prime Minister

From: Michael Cain on The Tonight Show (S638b)
An English bobby came home from work early and found
his wife in bed with three men. He looked down and
said "Hello, hello, hello."
His wife looked up indignantly and said "Aren't you
going to say 'Hello' to me too."

Q: What does an Englishwoman say to her husband when
she wakes up after a night of lovemaking?
A: "Get off!"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #240 in 1998
Q: Why is there so little call for appendectomies in Britain?
A: The British have a fondness for useless appendages.

From: tnkr in 2002 (S266)
Q: What gets stiff after 3 strokes?

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A: Princess Margaret

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