Subj:
Englishman Jokes
(Includes 48 jokes and articles, 03 1085n,22,cL2f,wYT2c,15)
Click "Here" for Englishman-Supp
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UK flag from
Animation
Factory
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Includes the following: Liverpool
Giant Puppets - Video (S959 in Supp)
.........................Tea
And Sexual Consent (S1003 in Supp)
.........................Mrs
Brown's Sticky Situation - Video (S886 in Supp)
.........................B.C.
Comic Strip (771 in Supp)
.........................A
MINI Performance - Video (S948 in Supp)
.........................Britain's
Got Talent - Shadow Act - Video (S850 in Supp)
.........................Magician
Jamie Raven On BGT 2015 - Video (S968 in Supp)
.........................Mrs
Brown's Misunderstanding - Video (S797 in Supp)
.........................Britain's
Got Talent 2011: Edward Reid - Vid (S784 - Supp)
.........................Faryl
Smith Sings On Britain's Got Talent (S750 in Supp)
.........................America
Britain Competition - Sign (S1016 in Supp)
.........................Building
The Seed Cathedral - Video (S749 in Supp)
.........................Britain's
Got Talent: Matrix Dance - Video (S745 in Supp)
.........................Giant
Puppet Dog Xolo In Liverpool - 2 Videos (S913-Supp)
.........................
.........................Queen
Elizabeth WWII Mechanic (S935)
.........................The
T-Mobile Royal Wedding - Video (S741)
.........................Hugh
Laurie and Stephen Fry Comedy Sketch - Video (S742)
.........................The
London Eye - Videos/PPS (S729)
.........................Elderly
Frenchman See A Couple Making Love (S70, DU)
.........................Hollie
Steel On Britain's Got Talent - Video (S673b)
.........................A
Well Planned Retirement!!! (S652b)
.........................Susan
Boyle On Britains Got Talent - Video (S640)
.........................Prince
Charles Vs The Photographer (S457b)
.........................Ripley's
Believe It Or Not! II (S664)
.........................Earthquake
in Albania (S360)
.........................Paul
Potts Sings Opera - Video (S550)
.........................British
Soldiers Return From Falkland (608b)
.........................The
British Dry Cleaners - Video (S477b)
.........................American
Needs To Piss In London (S340b)
.........................The
British Speak About Election 2000 (S198, DU)
.........................The
Red Sparrows - Video (S665b)
.........................The
Pope And The Queen On A Balcony (S59, DU)
.........................Royalty
On Safari (S27, DU)
.........................Britains
Got Talent Striptease - Video (S665)
.........................Why
British Are Superior To Americans (S81, DU)
.........................Granny
Stops Car Thieves - Video (S699)
.........................Learning
English In England (S388b)
.........................Learning
English In England-Supp (S388b)
.........................Ripley's
Believe It Or Not! (S628b)
Short Englishman Jokes
..............................Chewin
The Fat - Ladder Accident - Video (S765 - Supp)
..............................Britain's
Radio Program Hold Your Plums (S767 in Supp)
..............................Queen
Elizabeth's 23rd Wax Figure (S802 in Supp)
..............................
..............................Church
Signs In England (S679b)
..............................One
Queen, 11 U.S.Presidents (S673b)
..............................The
Queen And Men In Kilts (S609b)
..............................European
Heaven And Hell (S129, S494c)
..............................Photographing
Thugs 'Is Assault' (S602)
..............................An
American In London (S129, S494c)
..............................Islamic
Peace March, London (S496b)
Also see ARAB file
- 'Two English At
A Native Restraunt'
ARTIST file - 'British
Art'
BALLS file - 'Mr.
Bean Is Kicked In The Balls' - Video
BASEBALL - 'Queen
of England Watches Baseball'
BIOLOGY file - 'What
a Wonderful World w/David Attenborough' - BBC Video
BIRD-CHICKEN - 'FAA Test'
BODY_PTS-SUPP- 'Britain's
Got Talent - Feet Act'
CHRISTMAS-SUP- 'Mr.
Bean Christmas'
CONDOM file - 'Mrs
Brown And The Condom' - Video
DATING3 file - 'Getting
Girls Phone Numbers In England'
DOCTOR-SUPP - 'UK
Brain Surgeon Suspended'
DOG-SUPP - 'Talking
Dog Wendy On Britain's Got Talent' - Video
......................-
'3
Soda Water Dogs At An English Pub' - Video
......................-
'Gin
The Dog'
ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Two Old
Men Sitting On A Park Bench'
FACTS3 file - 'Urban
Legend Exposed'
......................-
'The
Origin Of The Middle Finger'
......................-
'Dubious
Achievement Awards -- British Division'
FACTS5 file - 'Some
Abortions Illegal'
FAIRYTALE-SUPP- 'The
Three Little Pigs - News Video'
FOURTH ofJULY- 'Letter
To Thomas Jefferson '
GENIE file - 'Prince
Charles Kills Mom's Dog'
GOD1 file - 'Mrs.
Brown Talks to God' - Video
GOLF2 file - 'Three
Guys And Their Wives Play Golf'
.........HORSES
file - 'The Sketch
Show UK - Irish Jockey' - Video
......................-
'The
Sketch Show Fox - Irish Jockey' - Video
HOTEL file - 'Britains
Best Joke'
IRISH file - 'God Creates
Earth'
......................-
'Englishman,
Irishman, And Scotsman In A Bar'
......................-
'An
Irish, English And Scots Discussing Their Wives'
IRISH2 file - 'Three
English Taunt An Irish'
ITALIAN file - 'Fucking
Nude Woman On Beach'
JEWISH1 file - 'A Jew Is Knighted'
JUDGE file - 'UK
Wife Files For Divorce'
......................-
'Laughing
Man Goes On Trial'
MEN1 file - 'Indian,
African And Englishman Levitate Wives'
NATIONAL file- 'Are
You An American? (British Test)'
......................-
'Cultural
Differences Explained'
NATIONAL2 - 'British
Mirror On September 11'
.........NATIVES
file - 'Cannibals
Capture French,English,?New Yorker'
.........OTH-OCCUP-SUP-
'Ventriloquost
Nina Conti Live At The Apollo' - Video
OTH-OCUP-SUP2- 'Darcy
Oake's Dove Illusions - Britain's Got Talent 2014'
PENIS3 file - 'Penis
Research'
......................-
'The
"First" Wive's Penis Names'
......................-
'Englishman
Shoots Self In Groin'
PHONE file - 'Mrs
Brown's Mischievous Call' - Video
PIG file - 'Going
To Jail Over Pig Toys'
.........PLANE-SUPP2
- 'Cheap
Flights With Subtitles' - Video
.........POLITICAL2
- 'Winston
Churchill Quotes And Facts'
POLISH file - 'Mexican,
English, And Polack Eat Lunch'
......................-
'British,
American, And Pollack In Burning Building'
.........POLIT-BUSH
- 'Bush Meets
The Queen'
......................-
'The
Presidential Test'
PREGNANT file- 'British
Child Support Forms'
RELIGION1 - 'Mrs.
Brown and The Mormons' - Video
RUSSIAN file - 'Brit,
French And Russian View Painting'
SCOTTISH - 'Scottish
Farmer Saves A Boy'
......................-
'Going
To College In England'
......................-
'The
Story Of Scotland'
SCIENCE2 file- 'Archeologists
f/Three Countries Dig'
SHIP-SUPP - 'Paul
Harvey's Story About A Barn' - Video
SKIING file - 'Eddie
The Eagle' - Movie Trailer
SOLDIER file - 'The
Queen And Three Soldiers In The Hospital'
SOLDIER2 file- 'British
vs French Uniforms'
......................-
'British
Forces Test Fire Weapons'
WEDDING-SUPP - 'British
Wedding Photographer' - Video
============================================================Top
Subj: Queen
Elizabeth WWII Mechanic (S935)
From: tom on 12/3/2014
Source1: www.all-that-is-interesting.com/
..........queen-elizabeth-ii-mechanic-photo
Source2: www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_II
.
..........
.
..........In
February 1945, Elizabeth II joined the Women's
..........Auxiliary
Territorial Service, as an honorary
..........Second
Subaltern with the service number of 230873.
..........She
trained as a driver and mechanic, drove a
..........military
truck, and was promoted to honorary
..........Junior
Commander five months later. She is the
..........last
surviving head of state who served in uniform
..........during
the Second World War.
.
.
Top
T-Mobile's Royal Wedding Dance
celebrates the marriage of
William and Kate with the help
of a host of royal look
alikes and music from East 17!
Click 'HERE' to see this
very cute, festive video.
Top
Source2: www.youtube.com/embed/hNoS2BU6bbQ
Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie perform
a hilarious short
comedy sketch in a police station.
A man making a
statement has a surname that
is pretty hard to pronounce!
Watch this classic moment from
the ground-breaking comedy
sketch show 'A Bit of Fry and
Laurie' for free with BBC
Worldwide. Click 'HERE'
to see this very cute comedy
sketch from Hugh Laurie's early
days on British TV.
Top
The Merlin Entertainments London
Eye (commonly the London
Eye, or Millennium Wheel, formerly
the British Airways
London Eye) is a giant 135-metre
(443 ft) tall Ferris wheel
situated on the banks of the
River Thames in the British capital.
It is the tallest Ferris wheel
in Europe, and the most popular
paid tourist attraction in the
United Kingdom, visited by over
3.5 million people annually.
When erected in 1999, it was the
tallest Ferris wheel in the
world.
. .
London's famous sightseeing platform.
.
...
midnight fireworks display, welcoming
in 2010.
.
...
and explanation of the Eye.
.
Top
Subj: Elderly
Frenchman See A Couple Making Love (S70, DU)
From: thebartend on 98-06-01
An elderly man was walking through
the French countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring
day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making
love in a field. Getting over
his initial shock he said to
himself, "Ah, young love... ze
spring time, ze air, ze flowers...
C'est magnifique!" and
continued to watch, remembering
good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and
said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!
Ze woman - she is dead!"
and he hurried along as fast as
he could to the town to
tell Jean, the police chief. He
came, out of breath, to
the police station and shouted,
"Jean...Jean zere is zis
man, zis woman ... naked in
farmer Gaston's field making
love."
The police chief smiled and said;
"Come, come, Henri you
are not so old; remember ze
young love, ze spring time, ze
air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour!
Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand;
ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up
from his seat, rushed out of
the station, jumped on his bike,
pedaled down to the field,
confirmed Henri's story,
and pedaled all the way back non-
stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is
Jean, I was in Gaston's field;
zere is a young couple
naked 'aving sex "
To which Pierre replied,"Jean,
I am a man of science. You
must remember, it is spring,
ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour!
Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in
reply, "NON, you do not understand;
ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed,
"Mon dieu!" grabbed his black
medicine bag; stuffed in his
thermometer, stethoscope, and
other tools; jumped in
the car; and drove like a madman down
to Gaston's field. After
carefully examining the participants
he drove calmly back to Henri
and Jean, who were waiting at
the station. He got there,
went inside, smiled patiently,
and said, "Ah, mes amis,
do not worry. Ze woman, she is not
dead, she is British"
Top
Subj:
Hollie Steel-Britain's Got Talent
From: darrellvip
..........on
12/4/2009 (S673d-iFrame) |
 |
Source: www.youtube.com/embed/bOeWz2k4tTI
Britain's Got Talent - Show 3:
10-year-old Hollie looks
like any other little girl wanting
to be a ballerina...
that is until she opens her
mouth and you hear Julie Andrews.
Click
'HERE'
to listen to this extraordinary voice.
Top
Subj: A Well
Planned Retirement!!! (S652b)
From: darrellvip on 7/6/2009
From The London Times: May 15, 2009
Source: www.snopes.com/crime/clever/carpark.asp
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England,
there is a parking lot
for 150 cars and 8 coaches,
or buses. It was manned by
a very pleasant attendant with
a ticket machine charging
cars £1 (about $1.40)
and coaches were charged at £5
(about $7).
This parking attendant worked
there solid for all of 25
years. Then, one day,
he just didn't turn up for
work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management
- "we'd better phone
up the City Council and get
them to send a new parking
attendant..." "No", said
the Council, when contacted, "....
that parking lot is totally
your responsibility." "No, it
isn't", said Bristol Zoo Management,
"the parking attendant
was employed by the City Council,
wasn't he?" "NO! He was
NOT" insisted the Council.
So, sitting in his lovely villa
somewhere on the South Coast
of Spain, is a happy bloke who
had been taking the parking
lot fees, estimated at £400
(about $560) per day at Bristol
Zoo for the last 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this
amounts to just over £3.6
million ($7 million)!
And no one even knows his name!!
»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«
This great story is just an Urban
Legend according to
Snopes.com at www.snopes.com/crime/clever/carpark.asp
Top
Watch the shots of the audience
as this woman, Susan Boyle,
is introduced. Her physical
appearance and somewhat awkward
responses got reactions from
the judges and members of the
audience that should make us
all rethink the next time we
prejudge anyone on first appearances.
Click 'HERE' to see
the outcome!
Top
Subj: Prince
Charles Vs The Photographer (S457b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/25/2005
Prince Charles is having a shower.
Although he is in a
loving relationship he occasionally
feels the need to empty
his scrotal sacs, and this is
one of these occasions. Just
as he shoots his load, he sees
a photographer taking a
picture of the Royal seed flying
through the air.
"Hold on a minute" says the Prince.
"You can't do that.
You'll destroy the reputation
of the Monarchy. And my
mother will have another fit!"
"This picture is my lottery win"
says the photographer.
"I'll be financially secure
for life."
So the Prince offers to buy the
camera off the photographer,
and after lots of negotiation,
they eventually arrive at a
figure of two million quid.
The Prince then dries himself
off, and heads off with his
new Camera.
He meets one of his many housekeepers,
who spots the camera.
"That looks like a really good
camera, Charles" she says,
"how much did it cost you?"
"Two million quid" replies Charles.
"TWO MILLION QUID!" says the
housekeeper, "They must have
seen you coming..."
Top
Source: www.gocomics.com/ripleysbelieveitornot/2010/02/23
.
..........
.
.
Top
Subj: Earthquake
in Albania (S360)
From: thejokelibrary.com on 12/26/03
A major earthquake, measuring
9.1 on the Richter scale has
hit Albania this morning.
350,000 Albanians are missing,
and over a million have been
reported injured. The country
is totally ruined and the government
doesn't know where to
start with providing help. The
rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troops to assist
the country.
The USA is sending food, medical
aid and money.
France is sending doctors, nurses
and medical supplies.
Russia is sending tents and
warm clothing.
The UK is sending 135,000 replacement
Albanians.
Top
Subj:
Paul Potts Sings Opera
From: samhutkins
..........on
8/5/2007 (S550d-iFrame) |
 |
Source: www.youtube.com/embed/1k08yxu57NA
Paul Potts, a mobile phone salesman
from South Wales,
sings Nessun dorma on UK talent
show "Britain's got
Talent" featuring Simon Cowell
as a judge. You can
view it 'HERE'
to hear this amazing singer.
Top
Subj: British
Soldiers Return From Falkland (608b)
From: ipkis on 97-06-01
and
From: ron33333 on 9/4/2008
A British General had sent some
of his men off to fight for
their country in the Falkland
Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from
the South American island,
three soldiers that had distinguished
themselves in battle
were summoned to the General's
office. "Since we weren't
actually at war," the General
began, "I can't give out any
medals. We did, however, want
to let each of you know your
efforts were appreciated. What
we've decided to do is to let
each of you choose two points
on your body. You will be
given 2 pounds sterling for
each inch of distance between
those parts. We'll start
on the left, boys, so what'll it
be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head
to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good son, that's
70 inches which comes to
140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger
on one outstreched hand to
the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's
72 inches which comes to
144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick
to me balls, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange request,
but drop trou, son!
As the general begins the measurement:
"My god, son, where
are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island,
sahr!"
Top
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|
Subj:
The British Dry Cleaners (S477b,d-On Site,MP4)
From: darrell94590
on 3/7/2006 (in Other-Occup) |
At: www.jokelibrary.net/occupations/s_to_z/z_oth-cleaners.mp4
A cute British film. You
can view this video by clicking 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: American
Needs To Piss In London (S340b)
From: woneye on 8/4/2003
An American tourist in London
found himself needing to take
a leak something terrible.
After a long search he just
couldn't find any public bathroom
to relieve himself. So
he went down one of the side
streets to take care of
business. Just as he was
unzipping, a London police
officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are
you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied,
"but I really gotta take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the
officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to
a beautiful garden with lots of
grass, pretty flowers, and manicured
hedges. "Here," said the
policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged,
turned, unzipped, and started
pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh,"
he said in relief. Then turning
toward the officer, he said,
"This is very nice of you. Is this
British courtesy?"
"No," said the policeman. "It's
the French Embassy."
Top
Subj: The
British Speak About Election 2000 (S198, DU)
From: rlr29 on 11/16/2000
To the citizens of the United
States of America,
In the light of your failure
to elect a President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence,
effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths
and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does
not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have
until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further
elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated
next
year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation"
in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look
up "aluminium". Check the pronun-
ciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you
have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using
the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know"
is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication.
Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as
"US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish
the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't
that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original
national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully
carrying out task 1. We would
not want you to get confused
and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American
"football". There is only
one kind of football.
What you refer to as American "football"
is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that
there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no
one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should
instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best
if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those
of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which
is similar to American "foot-
ball", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like nancies). We
are hoping to get together at
least a US rugby sevens side
by 2005.
7. You should declare war on
Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any
merde. The 97.85% of you who
were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders
should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been
the bad guys. "Merde"
is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public
holiday. November 8th will
be a new national holiday, but
only in England. It will be
called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby
banned. They are crap and it
is for your own good.
When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed
JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Top
Subj:
The Red Sparrows (S665b)
From: rfslick
..........on
10/1/2009 (d-iFrame) |
 |
Source: www.youtube.com/embed/f_lXqMmevog
The Red Sparrows is a bunch of
English Firemen in little
planes performing death defying
stunts with less than
realistic props, what a laugh!
Click 'HERE' to see
this cute, strange video.
Top
Subj: The
Pope And The Queen On A Balcony (S59, DU)
From: thebartend on 98-03-17
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth
were standing on a balcony
beaming at thousands of people
in the forecourt below.
The Queen says to the Pope out
of the corner of her mouth
"I bet you a tenner that I can
make every English person
in the crowd go wild with just
a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way.
You can't do that." The Queen
says, "Watch this". So
the Queen waves her hand and
every English person in the
crowd goes crazy, waving
their little plastic Union Jacks
on sticks and cheering,
basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there
going "Uh oh, what am I
going to do? I never thought
she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a
minute and then he turns
to her and says, "I bet you
I can make every IRISH
person in the crowd go wild,
not just now, but for the
rest of the week, with just
one nod of my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't
be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
Top
Subj: Royalty
On Safari (S27, DU)
From: ipkis 97-07-24
Queen Elizabeth and Princess
Diana were on an African safari.
While riding in a Range Rover,
they were ambushed by a group
of bandits.
Being well-read thugs, they immediately
recognized the royal
ladies. "I know you," the bandit
chief said to the Queen,
"You're the richest woman in
the world. Hand over all your
money and be quick about it."
"I am terrible sorry," Her Majesty
replied. "It is true that
I am very wealthy, but I never
carry cash on my person. You
can search me if you like, but
I have nothing to give you."
Frustrated, the robber turned
to the Princess. "You never
go anywhere without dripping
with jewelry," he growled.
"Hand over all the jewelry before
I kill you both."
"I am so sorry," said Her Highness,
"But this is a safari.
It would have been in dreadful
taste for me to wear any
jewels. You can search
me also, but I have nothing to
give you either."
Growling with frustration and
rage, the bandit chief
ordered them out of the Rover,
loaded it up with his
men, and drove off in cloud
of dust. After a little
while, Princess Diana turned
to the Queen by the side
of the road and said, "By the
way, I happen to know that
you always carry a large sum
of money with you. How did
you save it?"
Primly, Queen Elizabeth replied,
"Well, I saw the
miscreants ahead on the road,
and took the opportunity
to hid my money in... ahem...
a woman's private place,
you know." Reaching down she
pulled out a roll of
banknotes.
The Queen continued, "But what
about you, my dear? With
my own eyes I saw the diamond
set you had on this morning.
How did you happen to save it?"
Blushing a little, Diana confessed
"Well, I too saw the
robbers lying in wait, and had
enough warning to hide my
jewelry in ...umm ... a woman's
private place." Reaching
down, she pulled out a handful
of sparkling gemstones,
and fastened them back in place.
The two ladies stood in silence
for a few moments. Then
the Queen remarked, "Pity Fergie
isn't here. We might
have saved the Rover."
Top
This striptease on Britains Got
Talent is very funny.
Click
'HERE'
to see cute routine.
Top
Subj: Why
British Are Superior To Americans (S81, DU)
From: Anaise on 98-08-13
In a recent television show in
the UK, actor and comedian
John Cleese explained three
reasons why the British are
superior to Americans:
1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship
they invite other
countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state
are only expected to go
down on one knee.
Top
Subj:
Granny Stops Car Thieves
From: tom on 6/4/2010
..........(S699d-iFrame,
in Cars2) |
 |
Source: www.youtube.com/embed/Q1wrCR_Gq0g
This British ad for free eye
tests at St. Johns Eye
Care Center is a very cute video.
Click 'HERE'
to see this great ad.
Top
Subj: Learning
English In England (S388b)
From: jerry on 6/21/2004
If any of you Americans believe
you might be heading out to
the "other side of the big pond"
sometime, i.e., to England,
you may want to bone up on a
few unfamiliar phrases for if
you don't and perchance you
arrive at the airport without
your bags arriving with you
and you are told to go to the
"left luggage room" you may
find yourself walking up and
down the same corridor looking
for a room called the "luggage
room" that is supposed to be
on your left and feeling awfully
frustrated. The "left
luggage room" is what we call the
"Lost and Found." Oh,
and never ask someone where the nearest
subway is because the subway
is not the underground train
system but something beneath
a pedestrian overpass.
So here's the key to communicating
with a Brit:
sleeping
room=bedsitter
truck=lorry
big
truck (tractor/trailer)=articulated lorry
vacation=holiday
holiday=
[I dunno]
cookies=biscuits
biscuits=[I
dunno]
crackers=crispbread
waiting
in line=queuing
private
hospital=nursing home
nursing
home=[I dunno]
whole
wheat=wholemeal
oatmeal=porridge
french
fries or freedom fries = chips
chips=potato
crisps
hard
candies=boiled sweets
divided
highway=dual carriageway
barricade=crush
barrier
cashier=cashpoint
camping
trailer=caravan
caravan=[I
dunno]
trailer
park=caravan park
Archie
Bunker=Alf Garnett
baked
potato=jacket potato
rummage
sale=jumble sale
tear
gas=CS gas
LP
gas=Calor gas
Loudspeaker=tannoy
Top
Subj: Learning
English In England-Supp (S388b)
From: jerry on 6/29/2004
My boyfriend was visiting the
other side of the big pond
during a stint back in the 70's
for the USAF, he was
awakened very early after a
particularly long night out by
a beautiful 'chesty' girl who
told him, in a perfect
English accent "I knocked you
up to tell you that you have
t*its in your milk".
He was so confused until he realized
that the milk delivery
had been left on the stoop and
the milk had been invaded by
little sparrow like birds (t*its)
and that being knocked up,
in England, is akin to having
your door being knocked on and
woken up in East Texas!!
--Donna Jackson
Top
Source: www.gocomics.com/ripleysbelieveitornot/2009/01/20
.
................
.
.
Subj: Short
Englishman Jokes
Top
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Subj:
Church Signs In England
From: samhutkins in 2010
..........(S679b, in Signs-Supp) |
The English have always had away
with words! Click
'HERE'
to see fourteen, funny, English church signs.
Top
Subj:
One Queen, 11 U.S.Presidents
From: Wimp.com on 12/1/2009
Source: (Removed from dump.com)
(S673b) |
 |
This set of pictures of Queen Elisabeth
and eleven
U.S.Presidents is quite nice.
Click 'HERE' to see it.
Top
|
|
Subj:
The Queen And Men In Kilts (S609b)
From: tom on 9/8/2008 |
You can view this cute photo of
the Queen of England
posing with a set of soldiers
by clicking 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: European
Heaven And Hell (S129, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/16/99
Euro-Heaven is where the police
are British, the cooks are
French, the mechanics German,
the lovers Italian and it's
all organized by the Swiss.
Euro-Hell is where the chefs
are British, the mechanics
French, the lover's Swiss, the
police German and it's all
organized by the Italians.
Top
Subj:
Photographing Thugs 'Is Assault'
From: BoneheadOfTheDayAward
on 7/24/2008 (S602) |
 |
Source: www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1036728
........./Photographing-thugs-assault-police-tell-householder-
.........snapping-proof-anti-social-behaviour.html?ITO=1490#
A UK man, harassed for months
by rock throwing youths,
takes a picture of his tormentors.
Police arrive to warn
him that taking pictures of
teens is considered "assault".
You can read this bizarre story
by clicking 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: An American
In London (S129, S494c)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/16/99
An American was waiting on a
London street corner. An
attractive English girl was
passing by when a gust of wind
blew her dress above her waist.
"A bit airy..." remarked the
American.
Hearing this, the Cockney girl
replied indignantly, " 'ell
yes! What did you expect
- feathers?!"
Top
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Subj:
Islamic Peace March, London (S496b)
From: darrell94590 on 7/27/2006 |
This web page contains nine pictures
of Moslems who
marched throughout the streets
of London during their
recent "Religion of Peace Demonstration".
Please take
a minute to read the signs.
Click 'HERE' to view.
Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained
priest in the
Church of England.
Humphrey Bogart was related to
Princess Diana. They
were seventh cousins.
Prince Charles and Prince William
NEVER travel on the
same airplane just in case there
is a crash.
In the great fire of London in
1666 half of London was
burnt down but only 6 people
were injured.
Where was Winston Churchill born?
(bonus question: during
what event?)
Winston Churchill was born in
a ladies' room during a dance.
Margaret Thatcher is out dining
with her cabinet.
The waiter says, "What will
you have?"
Thatcher says, "I'll have lamb."
"And the vegetables?"
"They can order for themselves."
In England, the Speaker of the
House is not allowed to speak.
Topless saleswomen are legal
in Liverpool, England - but
only in tropical fish stores.
(of course!!)
From: RFSlick on 98-02-15
On a train from London to Manchester,
an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting
across from him in the
compartment. "You English
are too stuffy. You set
yourselves apart too much.
Look at me...in me, I have
Italian blood, French blood,
a little Indian blood, and
some Swedish blood.
What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting
of your mother."
From: The Bartenders Joke of the Day
for 03 Mar 98
The Queen was showing the Archbishop
around the
Royal Stables when a stallion
farted very loudly.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm
sorry about that."
"That's okay" said the archbishop,
"I thought it was
the horse."
Seen in a gents room in London recently:
"Doctor, I think my wife's
dead."
"Oh, really? What
makes you think that?"
"Well, the sex is great,
but my dirty washing's piling up."
From: ossama on 98-12-01
"When you look at Prince Charles,
don't you think that
someone in the Royal family
fucked someone in the Royal
family?" -- Robin Williams
From: janeenmarie on 7/3/2006 (S492b)
"The greatest good you can do
for another is not just
to share your riches, but to
reveal to him his own."
-- Benjamin Disraeli
1804-1881, Former British Prime Minister
From: Michael Cain on The Tonight Show
(S638b)
An English bobby came home from
work early and found
his wife in bed with three men.
He looked down and
said "Hello, hello, hello."
His wife looked up indignantly
and said "Aren't you
going to say 'Hello' to me too."
Q: What does an Englishwoman
say to her husband when
she wakes up after
a night of lovemaking?
A: "Get off!"
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #240 on 98-04-15
Q: Why is there so little call
for appendectomies in Britain?
A: The British have a fondness
for useless appendages.
From: tnkr on 3/2/2002 (S266)
Q: What gets stiff after 3 strokes?
.
.
.
A: Princess Margaret
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Smiley_Central.
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