Englishman

Subj: Englishman Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 31 jokes and articles)

Also see ARAB file    - 'Two English At A Native Restraunt'
         ARTIST file - 'British Art'
         BASEBALL     - 'Queen of England Watches Baseball'
         BIRD-CHICKEN - 'FAA Test'
         DATING3 file - 'Getting Girls Phone Numbers In England'
         DOCTOR-SUPP - 'UK Brain Surgeon Suspended'
         FACTS3 file - 'Urban Legend Exposed'
......................- 'The Origin Of The Middle Finger'
......................- 'Dubious Achievement Awards -- British Division'
         FACTS5 file - 'Some Abortions Illegal'
         FOURTH ofJULY- 'Letter To Thomas Jefferson '
         GENIE file   - 'Prince Charles Kills Mom's Dog'
         GOLF2 file   - 'Three Guys And Their Wives Play Golf'
         IRISH file   - 'God Creates Earth'
......................- 'Englishman, Irishman, ? Scotsman In A Bar'
......................- 'An Irish, English ? Scots Discussing Their Wives'
         IRISH2 file - 'Three English Taunt An Irish'
         ITALIAN file - 'Fucking Nude Woman On Beach'
         JEWISH1 file - 'A Jew Is Knighted'
         JUDGE file   - 'UK Wife Files For Divorce'
......................- 'Laughing Man Goes On Trial'
         MEN1 file    - 'Indian, African And Englishman Levitate Wives'
         NATIONAL file- 'Are You An American? (British Test)'
......................- 'Cultural Differences Explained'
         NATIONAL2    - 'British Mirror On September 11'
         NATIVES file - 'Cannibals Capture French,English,?New Yorker'
         PENIS3 file - 'Penis Research'
......................- 'The "First" Wive's Penis Names'
......................- 'Englishman Shoots Self In Groin'
         PIG file     - 'Going To Jail Over Pig Toys'
         POLITICAL2   - 'Winston Churchill Quotes And Facts'
         POLISH file - 'Mexican, English, And Polack Eat Lunch'
......................- 'British, American, ? Pollack In Burning Building'
.........POLIT-BUSH   - 'Bush Meets The Queen'
......................- 'The Presidential Test'
         PREGNANT file- 'British Child Support Forms'
         RUSSIAN file - 'Brit, French And Russian View Painting'
         SCOTTISH     - 'Scottish Farmer Saves A Boy'
......................- 'Going To College In England'
......................- 'The Story Of Scotland'
         SCIENCE2 file- 'Archeologists f/Three Countries Dig'
         SOLDIER file - 'The Queen And Three Soldiers In The Hospital'
         SOLDIER2 file- 'British vs French Uniforms'
......................- 'British Forces Test Fire Weapons'
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Subj:     Paul Potts Sings Opera (S550)
          From: samhutkins
          on 8/5/2007

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k08yxu57NA?mode=related?search

Paul Potts, a mobile phone salesman from South Wales,
sings Nessun dorma on UK talent show "Britain's got
Talent" featuring Simon Cowell as a judge. You can
view it at the source above, or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Prince Charles Vs The Photographer (S457b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/25/2005

Prince Charles is having a shower. Although he is in a
loving relationship he occasionally feels the need to empty
his scrotal sacs, and this is one of these occasions. Just
as he shoots his load, he sees a photographer taking a
picture of the Royal seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" says the Prince. "You can't do that.
You'll destroy the reputation of the Monarchy. And my
mother will have another fit!"

"This picture is my lottery win" says the photographer.
"I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Prince offers to buy the camera off the photographer,
and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a
figure of two million quid.

The Prince then dries himself off, and heads off with his
new Camera.

He meets one of his many housekeepers, who spots the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera, Charles" she says,
"how much did it cost you?"

"Two million quid" replies Charles.

"TWO MILLION QUID!" says the housekeeper, "They must have
seen you coming..."

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Subj:     Learning English In England (S388b)
          From: jerry on 6/21/2004

If any of you Americans believe you might be heading out to
the "other side of the big pond" sometime, i.e., to England,
you may want to bone up on a few unfamiliar phrases for if
you don't and perchance you arrive at the airport without
your bags arriving with you and you are told to go to the
"left luggage room" you may find yourself walking up and
down the same corridor looking for a room called the "luggage
room" that is supposed to be on your left and feeling awfully
frustrated. The "left luggage room" is what we call the
"Lost and Found." Oh, and never ask someone where the nearest
subway is because the subway is not the underground train
system but something beneath a pedestrian overpass.

So here's the key to communicating with a Brit:

? sleeping room=bedsitter
? truck=lorry
? big truck (tractor/trailer)=articulated lorry
? vacation=holiday
? holiday= [I dunno]
? cookies=biscuits
? biscuits=[I dunno]
? crackers=crispbread
? waiting in line=queuing
? private hospital=nursing home
? nursing home=[I dunno]
? whole wheat=wholemeal
? oatmeal=porridge
? french fries or freedom fries = chips
? chips=potato crisps
? hard candies=boiled sweets
? divided highway=dual carriageway
? barricade=crush barrier
? cashier=cashpoint
? camping trailer=caravan
? caravan=[I dunno]
? trailer park=caravan park
? Archie Bunker=Alf Garnett
? baked potato=jacket potato
? rummage sale=jumble sale
? tear gas=CS gas
? LP gas=Calor gas
? Loudspeaker=tannoy

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Subj:     Learning English In England-Supp (S388b)
          From: jerry on 6/29/2004

My boyfriend was visiting the other side of the big pond
during a stint back in the 70's for the USAF, he was
awakened very early after a particularly long night out by
a beautiful 'chesty' girl who told him, in a perfect
English accent "I knocked you up to tell you that you have
t*its in your milk".

He was so confused until he realized that the milk delivery
had been left on the stoop and the milk had been invaded by
little sparrow like birds (t*its) and that being knocked up,
in England, is akin to having your door being knocked on and
woken up in East Texas!!

--Donna Jackson

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Subj:     Earthquake in Albania (S360)
          From: http://www.thejokelibrary.com on 12/26/03

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has
hit Albania this morning. 350,000 Albanians are missing,
and over a million have been reported injured. The country
is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing help. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to assist the country.
The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
France is sending doctors, nurses and medical supplies.
Russia is sending tents and warm clothing.
The UK is sending 135,000 replacement Albanians.

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Subj:     American Needs To Piss In London (S340b)
          From: woneye on 8/4/2003

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take
a leak something terrible. After a long search he just
couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So
he went down one of the side streets to take care of
business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police
officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of
grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the
policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started
pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning
toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this
British courtesy?"

"No," said the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

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Subj:     The British Speak About Election 2000 (S198, DU)
          From: rlr29 on 11/16/2000

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have
until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronun-
ciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using
the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would
not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football"
is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that
there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no
one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be
allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "foot-
ball", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We
are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who
were not aware that there is a world outside your borders
should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been
the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will
be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

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Subj:     Why British Are Superior To Americans (S81, DU)
          From: Anaise on 98-08-13

In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian
John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are
superior to Americans:

1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship they invite other
countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go
down on one knee.

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Subj:     Elderly Frenchman See A Couple Making Love (S70, DU)
          From: thebartend on 98-06-01

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over
his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze
spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and
continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!
Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as
he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He
came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
"Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in
farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you
are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze
air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of
the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field,
confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-
stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is
Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple
naked 'aving sex "

To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You
must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour!
Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in
reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black
medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and
other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down
to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants
he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at
the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently,
and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not
dead, she is British"

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Subj:     The Pope And The Queen On A Balcony (S59, DU)
          From: thebartend on 98-03-17

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony
beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.
The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth
"I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person
in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen
says, "Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and
every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving
their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,
basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I
going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns
to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH
person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the
rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

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Subj:     Royalty On Safari (S27, DU)
          From: ipkis 97-07-24

Queen Elizabeth and Princess Diana were on an African safari.
While riding in a Range Rover, they were ambushed by a group
of bandits.

Being well-read thugs, they immediately recognized the royal
ladies. "I know you," the bandit chief said to the Queen,
"You're the richest woman in the world. Hand over all your
money and be quick about it."

"I am terrible sorry," Her Majesty replied. "It is true that
I am very wealthy, but I never carry cash on my person. You
can search me if you like, but I have nothing to give you."

Frustrated, the robber turned to the Princess. "You never
go anywhere without dripping with jewelry," he growled.
"Hand over all the jewelry before I kill you both."

"I am so sorry," said Her Highness, "But this is a safari.
It would have been in dreadful taste for me to wear any
jewels. You can search me also, but I have nothing to
give you either."

Growling with frustration and rage, the bandit chief
ordered them out of the Rover, loaded it up with his
men, and drove off in cloud of dust. After a little
while, Princess Diana turned to the Queen by the side
of the road and said, "By the way, I happen to know that
you always carry a large sum of money with you. How did
you save it?"

Primly, Queen Elizabeth replied, "Well, I saw the
miscreants ahead on the road, and took the opportunity
to hid my money in... ahem... a woman's private place,
you know." Reaching down she pulled out a roll of
banknotes.

The Queen continued, "But what about you, my dear? With
my own eyes I saw the diamond set you had on this morning.
How did you happen to save it?"

Blushing a little, Diana confessed "Well, I too saw the
robbers lying in wait, and had enough warning to hide my
jewelry in ...umm ... a woman's private place." Reaching
down, she pulled out a handful of sparkling gemstones,
and fastened them back in place.

The two ladies stood in silence for a few moments. Then
the Queen remarked, "Pity Fergie isn't here. We might
have saved the Rover."

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Subj:     British Soldiers Return From Falkland (DU)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-01

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for
their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island,
three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle
were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't
actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any
medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your
efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let
each of you choose two points on your body. You will be
given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between
those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it
be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to
140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstreched hand to
the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to
144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange request, but drop trou, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where
are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

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Subj:     Short Englishman Jokes

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Subj:     Islamic Peace March, London (S496b)
          From: darrell94590
          on 7/27/2006

This web page of mine contains nine pictures of Moslems
who marched throughout the streets of London during their
recent "Religion of Peace Demonstration". Please take a
minute to read the signs. Click 'HERE' to view.

Top

Subj:     The British Dry Cleaners (S477b-other-occup)
          From: darrell94590
          on 3/7/2006

A cute British film. You can view it on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: European Heaven And Hell (S129, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/16/99
Euro-Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are
French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's
all organized by the Swiss.

Euro-Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics
French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all
organized by the Italians.

Top
Subj: An American In London (S129, S494c)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/16/99
An American was waiting on a London street corner. An
attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind
blew her dress above her waist.

"A bit airy..." remarked the American.

Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, " 'ell
yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"

Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the
Church of England.

Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They
were seventh cousins.

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the
same airplane just in case there is a crash.

In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was
burnt down but only 6 people were injured.

Where was Winston Churchill born? (bonus question: during
what event?)
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Margaret Thatcher is out dining with her cabinet.
The waiter says, "What will you have?"
Thatcher says, "I'll have lamb."
"And the vegetables?"
"They can order for themselves."

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but
only in tropical fish stores. (of course!!)

From: RFSlick on 98-02-15
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set
yourselves apart too much. Look at me...in me, I have
Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and
some Swedish blood.
What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

From: The Bartenders Joke of the Day for 03 Mar 98
The Queen was showing the Archbishop around the
Royal Stables when a stallion farted very loudly.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm sorry about that."
"That's okay" said the archbishop, "I thought it was
the horse."

Seen in a gents room in London recently:
   "Doctor, I think my wife's dead."
   "Oh, really? What makes you think that?"
   "Well, the sex is great, but my dirty washing's piling up."

From: ossama on 98-12-01
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that
someone in the Royal family fucked someone in the Royal
family?" -- Robin Williams

From: janeenmarie on 7/3/2006 (S492b)
"The greatest good you can do for another is not just
to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own."
-- Benjamin Disraeli 1804-1881, Former British Prime Minister

Q: What does an Englishwoman say to her husband when
she wakes up after a night of lovemaking?
A: "Get off!"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #240 on 98-04-15
Q: Why is there so little call for appendectomies in Britain?
A: The British have a fondness for useless appendages.

From: tnkr on 3/2/2002 (S266)
Q: What gets stiff after 3 strokes?
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
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.
.
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.
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A: Princess Margaret

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Smiley at Big Ben from
Smiley_Central

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