..........(Includes 47 jokes, 14 1135,13,cf,wXT2a8b,6)
Frech flag from
Also see ACCIDENTS1 - 'Man
Determined To Commit Suicide'
ARAB file - 'Two English At A Native Restraunt'
BROTHERS - 'Tony And Jordan On AGT In 2017' - Video
.........COMPUTRS-SUP2- 'Paper Is Not Dear' - French Ad
.........CONDOM file - 'French Condom Ad' - Video
.........DOCTOR3 file - 'Heart Attacks'
ENGINEER3 - 'Tallest Bridge'
ENGLISHMAN - 'American Needs To Piss In London'
......................- 'Elderly Frenchman See A Couple Making Love'
......................- 'European Heaven And Hell'
FACTS3 file - 'The Origin Of The Middle Finger'
FACTS4 file - 'Pervert On Subway'
GAMES-SUPP - '37 French Mating Positions'
GOD2 file - 'How The Jews Got The 10 Commandments'
HUNTING-CAMP - 'Ted Nugent On Deer Hunting'
Ig Nobel file- 'Peace Prize'
ITALIAN file - 'Moishe Goes To Italy'
......................- 'French, Italian, And American Discuss Sex W/Wives'
MEN1 file - 'Englishman, Frenchman, And Australian Excite Wives'
MEXICAN file - 'Three Guys Want To Watch The Olympics'
NATIVES file - 'Cannibals Capture French, English, and New Yorker'
PILOT file - 'Pierre The Fighter Pilot'
PENIS3 file - 'The "First" Wive's Penis Names'
QUOTES-CMD-SP- 'Crazy World by Chris Rock'
RUSSIAN file - 'Brit, French And Russian View Painting'
.........SAILOR file - 'Why Is It We Have To Speak English?'
SOLDIER1 file- 'French And American Soldiers In Bosnia'
SOLDIER2 file- 'British vs French Uniforms'
......................- 'USMC Bumper Sticker'
WORDJOKE-SUPP- 'Raising Rabbits In Paris'
Subj: French Onion Dip - Cartoon (S913)
Cartoon by Dan Beyer
From: George Takei in 2014
Subj: American In Paris (S196, S644)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com in 2000
This is a true story. My
sister and I spent two weeks in
Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter
where we went, we were subject to rude behavior from waiters,
store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to
One day, in Paris, my sister
went shopping. She entered a
store and started looking around. She was the only customer
in the store. As she was look through the clothes on the
rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked
if he could help her.
My sister was used to this bad
treatment by now and she
politely declined his help. She continued to look at the
clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was
staring at her.
Defiantly, she continued to look
through the clothes. When
she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her
heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.
As she left, she noticed that
the sign on the store read "Dry
Europe. It's Just Next Door
By: TBWA PARIS in 2014
Subj: Elderly Man Arrives At DeGaulle Airport
From: rickydwyman in 2005 (S451, DU)
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived
in Paris by plane. At
the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to
locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before,
monsieur?" the customs
officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted
he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready".
The American said, "The last
time I was here, I didn't have
to show it".
"Impossible. Americans always
have to show your passports on
arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the
Frenchman a long hard look. Then
he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach
on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't
find any Frenchmen to show it to".
Subj: Pardon My Planet Cartoon
by Vic Lee in 2018 (S1135)
From: Pardon My Planet
Subj: When Charles deGaulle Retired (S523c)
From: LABLaughsAdult in 2007
When Charles deGaulle decided
to retire from public life,
the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner
party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's
wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a
prominent public figure,
such a presence on the French and International scene for
so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in
comparison. What are you most looking forward to in
these retirement years Madame?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table.
Everyone heard her answer...
and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over
to his wife and said, "Mon
cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word,...
Great Story From Canal Plus
From: tom in 2012 (S786d-iFrame)
Never underestimate the power
of a good story. Canal
Plus is a French premium pay television channel launched
in 1984. Click 'HERE' to see this convoluted advertisement.
Subj: Frenchman Has A Name
A Frenchman named Pierre was
walking through the small town
he lived in with a friend. He pointed to a row of houses
and says "You see those houses? I built those houses! But
do they call me Pierre the housebuilder?
NO!" They walk along a
bit further, and he points to a number
of boats in the harbour. "You see those boats? I built those
boats! But do they call me Pierre the boatbuilder? NO!" He
turns to his friend and says "but fuck just one goat.."
360 Degree Photos Near And Above
..........The Eiffel Tower
..........(S657b, S804d-On Site,SWF)
Photo from BigHistory.net...
||Subj: PARIS - panorama
| © gillesvidal-photographe
By Gilles Vidal
From: kgilmour2000 in 2012
Do you want to see Paris, France
from above the top of the
Eiffel Tower? Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my
copy, to see this spectacular 360 degree photo.
Don't forget to try all the buttons
at the bottom of the photo.
The button only works at the source and sends the picture
in to its full screen mode which well worth the click.
Click on www.worldwidepanorama.org/worldwidepanorama/wwp
people/html/GillesVidal.html to see ten other 360 degree
photos which use mouse controls.
|.||Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009|
360 Degree Photo Near The Eiffel Tower
From: tom in 2009 (d-On Site,SWF)
Click 'HERE' to see this wonderful, 360 degree, ground photo of Paris.
Again, don't forget to try all the buttons at the photo bottom.
Go to Photojpl.com
to see panoramic, virtual tours in Quebec and
North America and four tours of Paris including the Eiffel Tower.
Subj: French And American Meet At Breakfast
From: redcatt in 2006 (S318, S686)
(Also see 'Canadian And American Discuss Breakfast' in Canadian)
An American is having breakfast
one morning (coffee,
croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman,
chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman
starts a conversation. French man: "You American folk
eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
French: (after blowing a huge
bubble) "We don't. In
France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we
collect in a container, recycle it, transform them
into croissants and sell them to the states." The
Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American
listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you
eat jelly with the
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his gum
between his teeth and
chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and
leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them
into jam and sell the jam to the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we
do", he says with a big
American: "And what do you do
with the condoms once
you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In
America, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing
gum and sell them to France."
A Furniture Dealer From Dublin
From: TLL in 2018 (S1122)
After arriving in Paris, he visited
some manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a
small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine,
he noticed that the small
place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his
table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful
young Parisian girl came to
his table and asked him something in French (which Murphy
could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair
and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English,
but she did not speak
his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to
communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture
of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he
ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the
table for a while, he took
another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food
on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a
quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic
music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded,
and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed
and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew
a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no
idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!
Subj: Who Stands Alone... Poem (DU)
by Michael Marks
From: JBCARY1 in 2003
Eleven thousand soldiers lay
beneath the dirt and stone,
all buried on a distant land so far away from home.
For just a strip of dismal beach they paid a hero's price,
to save a foreign nation they all made the sacrifice.
And now the shores of Normandy
are lined with blocks of
white, Americans who didn't turn from someone else's plight.
Eleven thousand reasons for the French to take our side, but
in the moment of our need, they chose to run and hide.
Chirac said every war means loss,
perhaps for France that's
true, for they've lost every battle since the days of Waterloo.
Without a soldier worth a damn to be found in the region, the
French became the only land to need a Foreign Legion.
You French all say we're arrogant.
Well hell, we've earned
the right-- We saved your sorry nation when you lacked the
guts to fight. But now you've made a big mistake, and one
that you'll regret; you took sides with our enemies, and that
we won't forget.
It wasn't just our citizens you
spit on when you turned,
but every one of ours who fell the day the towers burned.
You spit upon our soldiers, on our pilots and Marines,
and now you'll get a little sense of just what payback means.
So keep your Paris fashions and
your wine and your champagne,
and find some other market that will buy your aeroplanes. And
try to find somebody else to wear your French cologne, for
you're about to find out what it means to stand alone.
You see, you need us far more
than we ever needed you.
America has better friends who know how to be true.
I'd rather stand with warriors who have the will and might,
than huddle in the dark with those whose only flag is white.
I'll take the Brits, the Aussies,
the Israelis and the rest,
for when it comes to valor we have seen that they're the
best. We'll count on one another as we face a moment dire,
while you sit on the sideline with a sign "friendship for
We'll win this war without you
and we'll total up the cost,
and take it from your foreign aid, and then you'll feel the
loss. And when your nation starts to fall, well Frenchie,
you can spare us, just call the Germans for a hand, they
know the way to Paris.
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon (DU)
By Dan Piraro in 2008
Subj: Saudi, Russian, Korean, And French Meet Reporter
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #238 in 1998
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean,
and a Frenchman were
approached by a reporter. "Excuse me, what is your opinion
about the meat shortage?"
Saudi: "What's a shortage?"
Russian: "What's meat?"
North Korean: "What's an opinion?"
Frenchman: "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"
Subj: Art Theft At The Louvre
From: humorlist-digest V1 #259 in 1997
Recently a guy in Paris nearly
got away with stealing several
paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime,
getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks
away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he
could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious
error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Subj: Lady Balances On Balloons (S974d-On Site)
From: Petra van Klaveren-Chini in 2015
Source: (Removed from facebook.com/gchatlani/videos/)
.......Click 'HERE' to see this French nightclub act
.............of a lady balancing on three balloons.
Subj: History Of The French Military
From: JBCARY1 in 2003 (S318b)
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war
whose ending foreshadows the
next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by
of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost,
saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of
French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when
not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes
the first and only
country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is
technically not a participant,
but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis
that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen
take to wearing red
flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied War of the Augsburg League/
King William's War/French and
Indian War - Lost, but claimed
as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French
War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the
French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have
loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move
that will become quite
familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even
though the English colonists saw far more action. This is
later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when
America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily
due the fact that the
opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary
the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who
ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost.
Germany first plays the
role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone
on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the
way to losing, France is
saved by the United States. Thousands of French women
find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner,
but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement
in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered
French liberated by the
United States and Britain just as they finish learning
the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French
forces plead sickness, take
to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss
marks the first defeat of a
western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades,
and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always
beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules
of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping
in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts
to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes
refuge in a McDonald's. Let's face it. When it comes to
war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute
with a visible mustache. They've been beaten so many times
there's no fight left in them.
Subj: Quotes About Arab Riots In France (S462b, DU)
From: LABLaughsAdult in 2005
We turn to France, whose decision
to stay out of the Iraq
war is starting to make more sense. After all, why go all
the way to the Mideast when you can fight Muslims in your
very own suburbs? JON STEWART
The streets of the suburb of
Clichy-sous-Bois have been
filled with angry, mostly unemployed Arab and African
immigrants setting fire to hundreds of cars. Their
message: We're mad as hell, and we're not going to let
you park here anymore. JON STEWART
Night after night of rioting
and looting and burning cars,
but don't worry because the French government is working
around the clock to figure out a way to blame it on us.
The riots in France have been
through their second week.
No signs of slowing. Now first of all, let me
congratulate the French on whatever sporting event they
apparently won. STEPHEN COLBERT
The situation is really bad today
Chirac announced that
the French are pulling out of France. JAY LENO
Subj: French Quotes (S319)
From: tadams96 in 2003
| George S. Patton,
the last of our warrior
generals in the tradition
of Stonewall Jackson, Pat
Cleburne and Phil Sheridan,
understood the differences
between friend and foe. "I
would rather have a German
division in front of me,"
he once exclaimed, "than a
French one behind me."
From: JBCARY1 in 2003 (S316)
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting
with an accordion. There's a lot of useless, noisy baggage
that we can leave behind." -- Jed Babbin (former deputy
undersecretary of defense) on Fox News.
From: JBCARY1 in 2003 (S319)
"Only a nation as desperate to be loved as the United
States would fret about, rather than chuckle over the
Orwellian irony of being lectured to about arrogance
by the French and about militarism by the Germans."
-- Louis Ruykeyser
"Only thing worse than a Frenchman
is a Frenchman who
lives in Canada." -- Ted Nugent
War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II
From: gheckman in 2003 (S319)
While speaking to the Hoover Institution today, Secretary
Donald Rumsfeld was asked this question:
"Could you tell us why to date
at least the Administration
doesn't favor direct talks with the North Korean government?
After all, we're talking with the French."
The Secretary smiled and replied:
"I'm not going there!"
"We can stand here like the French,
or we can do something
about it." -- Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war
always means failure"
-- Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned,
-- Rush Limbaugh,
"The only time France wants us
to go to war is when the
German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
-- Regis Philbin
Next time there's a war in Europe,
the loser has to keep
An old saying:
Raise your right hand if you like the French....
Raise both hands if you are French.
"You know, the French remind
me a little bit of an aging
actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on
her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
-- John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
"You know why the French don't
want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a
beret. He is French, people." -- Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are
surprised that France won't
help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't
help us get the Germans out of France!" -- Jay Leno
From: JBCARY1 in 2006
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not
dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of
Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink
little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than
sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I
don't know." -- P.J. O'Rourke (1989)
"The last time the French asked
for 'more proof' it came
marching into Paris under a German flag." -- David Letterman
"The favorite bumper sticker
in Washington D.C. right now is
one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'" -- Tom Brokaw
"What do you expect from a culture
and a nation that exerted
more of its national will fighting against Disneyworld and
Big Macs than the Nazis?" -- Dennis Miller
"It is important to remember
that the French have always been
there when they needed us." -- Alan Kent
"They've taken their own precautions
against al-Qa'ida. To
prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct
tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in
the house." -- Argus Hamilton
"Somebody was telling me about
the French Army rifle that was
being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was
'Never shot. Dropped once.'" -- Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
"The French will only agree to
go to war when we've proven
we've found truffles in Iraq." -- Dennis Miller
"Do you know how many Frenchmen
it takes to defend Paris?
It's not known, it's never been tried." -- Rep. R Blount, MO
"Do you know it only took Germany
three days to conquer France
in WWII? And that's because it was raining."
-- John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
Subj: Short French Jokes
This American's View Of France
From: flovilla in 2006 (S479c)
To view this animated GIF, click 'HERE'.
Subj: French Military Victories (S355)
From:tadams96 in 2003
.Go to the Google search engine at www.google.com.
.Type in the search terms "french military victories" (in
that order, and watch your spelling).
.Select the "I'm feeling lucky" search option.
The results? "Did you mean French military defeats"? Google asks.
Tres drole, as they say in Paris.
Paris By Night (S473b - in Earth_Lights3)
From: darrell94590 in 2006
At: (Removed from framboise781.free.fr/Paris)
You can view this beautiful scene by clicking 'HERE'.
THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE MASTERPIECE
Subj: France Since Madrid Bombing (S376)
From: tadams96 in 2004
Since the Madrid bombing, France has raised its terror
alert level from "run" to "hide."
The only two higher levels in
France are "surrender" and
Horny Guy (S459b)
From: darrell in 2005
..........(d-iFrame, in Music)
Subj: Euro Disney Fireworks (S317)
From: flovilla in 2003
France announced today that it
plans to ban fireworks
at Euro Disney, following last night's display that
caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to
In 1900 the tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #135 in 1998
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned
room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2002 (S272c)
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
From: KMACINTY in 2003 (S311)
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
From: JBCARY1 in 2003 (S316)
Since we are on the topic of French bashing, here
are a few more:
Q: How many Frenchmen does it
take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, they have never tried it.
Q: The French have just ordered
a new national flag.
A: It's a white cross on a white background.
Q: What's the difference between
a Wonderbra and
the French World Cup squad?
A: A Wonderbra has decent support - and a cup.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #234 in 1998
Q: Why did the French plant trees on the Champs Elys?es?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.
Q: Why do the French plant so
many trees along the sides
of the roads?
A: The Germans like to march in the shade.
From: scott_pryor in 1999
Q: Did you hear about the dehydrated Frenchman?
From: gheckman in 2003 (S319)
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb and all of
Europe revolves around him.
From: JBCARY1 in 2006 (S356b)
Q: What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as
they entered the city in WWII?
A: Table for 100,000 m'sieur?