(Includes 41 jokes and articles)
Frech flag from
Animation Factory
| Subj:
French Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 41 jokes and articles) |
|
Frech flag from Animation Factory |
Also see ACCIDENTS1 - 'Man
Determined To Commit Suicide'
ARAB file - 'Two
English At A Native Restraunt'
.........DOCTOR3
file - 'Heart Attacks'
ENGINEER3 - 'Tallest
Bridge'
ENGLISHMAN - 'American
Needs To Piss In London'
......................-
'Elderly
Frenchman See A Couple Making Love'
......................-
'European
Heaven And Hell'
FACTS3 file - 'The
Origin Of The Middle Finger'
FACTS4 file - 'Pervert
On Subway'
GAMES-SUPP - '37
French Mating Positions'
GOD2 file - 'How
The Jews Got The 10 Commandments'
HUNTING-CAMP - 'Ted
Nugent On Deer Hunting'
Ig Nobel file- 'Peace
Prize'
ITALIAN file - 'Moishe Goes To Italy'
......................-
'French,
Italian, And American Discuss Sex W/Wives'
MEN1 file - 'Englishman,
Frenchman, And Australian Excite Wives'
MEXICAN file - 'Three
Guys Want To Watch The Olympics'
NATIVES file - 'Cannibals
Capture French, English, and New Yorker'
PILOT file - 'Pierre
The Fighter Pilot'
PENIS3 file - 'The
"First" Wive's Penis Names'
QUOTES-CMD-SP- 'Crazy
World by Chris Rock'
RUSSIAN file - 'Brit,
French And Russian View Painting'
.........SAILOR
file - 'Why
Is It We Have To Speak English?'
SOLDIER1 file- 'French
And American Soldiers In Bosnia'
SOLDIER2 file- 'British
vs French Uniforms'
......................-
'USMC
Bumper Sticker'
============================================================Top
Subj: When
Charles deGaulle Retired (S523c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/24/2007
When Charles deGaulle decided
to retire from public life,
the British ambassador and his
wife threw a gala dinner
party in his honor. At
the dinner table the Ambassador's
wife was talking with Madame
deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a
prominent public figure,
such a presence on the French
and International scene for
so many years! How quiet
retirement will seem in
comparison. What are you
most looking forward to in
these retirement years Madame?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table.
Everyone heard her answer...
and no one knew what to say
next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over
to his wife and said, "Mon
cherie, I believe ze English
pronounce zat word,...
'appiness!'"
\\\//
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Subj: Arab
Riots In France (S462b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/28/2005
We turn to France, whose decision
to stay out of the Iraq
war is starting to make more
sense. After all, why go all
the way to the Mideast when
you can fight Muslims in your
very own suburbs? JON STEWART
The streets of the suburb of
Clichy-sous-Bois have been
filled with angry, mostly unemployed
Arab and African
immigrants setting fire to hundreds
of cars. Their
message: We're mad as hell,
and we're not going to let
you park here anymore. JON STEWART
Night after night of rioting
and looting and burning cars,
but don't worry because the
French government is working
around the clock to figure out
a way to blame it on us.
DAVID LETTERMAN
The riots in France have been
through their second week.
No signs of slowing. Now first
of all, let me
congratulate the French on whatever
sporting event they
apparently won. STEPHEN COLBERT
The situation is really bad today
Chirac announced that
the French are pulling out of
France. JAY LENO
\\\//
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Subj: Elderly
Man Arrives At DeGaulle Airport (S451)
From: rickydwyman on 9/2/2005
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived
in Paris by plane. At
the French customs desk, the
man took a few minutes to
locate his passport in his carry-on
bag.
"You have been to France before,
monsieur?" the customs
officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted
he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough
to have your passport ready".
The American said, "The last
time I was here, I didn't have
to show it".
"Impossible. Americans always
have to show your passports on
arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the
Frenchman a long hard look. Then
he quietly explained, "Well,
when I came ashore at Omaha Beach
on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate
this country, I couldn't
find any Frenchmen to show it
to".
\\\//
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Subj: Who
Stands Alone... Poem
by Michael Marks
From: JBCARY1 on 4/22/2003
Eleven thousand soldiers lay
beneath the dirt and stone,
all buried on a distant land
so far away from home.
For just a strip of dismal beach
they paid a hero's price,
to save a foreign nation they
all made the sacrifice.
And now the shores of Normandy
are lined with blocks of
white, Americans who didn't
turn from someone else's plight.
Eleven thousand reasons for
the French to take our side, but
in the moment of our need, they
chose to run and hide.
Chirac said every war means loss,
perhaps for France that's
true, for they've lost every
battle since the days of Waterloo.
Without a soldier worth a damn
to be found in the region, the
French became the only land
to need a Foreign Legion.
You French all say we're arrogant.
Well hell, we've earned
the right-- We saved your sorry
nation when you lacked the
guts to fight. But now
you've made a big mistake, and one
that you'll regret; you took
sides with our enemies, and that
we won't forget.
It wasn't just our citizens you
spit on when you turned,
but every one of ours who fell
the day the towers burned.
You spit upon our soldiers,
on our pilots and Marines,
and now you'll get a little
sense of just what payback means.
So keep your Paris fashions and
your wine and your champagne,
and find some other market that
will buy your aeroplanes. And
try to find somebody else to
wear your French cologne, for
you're about to find out what
it means to stand alone.
You see, you need us far more
than we ever needed you.
America has better friends who
know how to be true.
I'd rather stand with warriors
who have the will and might,
than huddle in the dark with
those whose only flag is white.
I'll take the Brits, the Aussies,
the Israelis and the rest,
for when it comes to valor we
have seen that they're the
best. We'll count on one
another as we face a moment dire,
while you sit on the sideline
with a sign "friendship for
hire."
We'll win this war without you
and we'll total up the cost,
and take it from your foreign
aid, and then you'll feel the
loss. And when your nation
starts to fall, well Frenchie,
you can spare us, just call
the Germans for a hand, they
know the way to Paris.
\\\//
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Subj: French
And American Meet At Breakfast (S318, S503)
From: thebartend on 3/3/2003
and
From: redcatt on 9/7/2006
(Also see 'Canadian
And American Discuss Breakfast' in Canadian)
An American is having breakfast
one morning (coffee,
croissants, bread, butter and
jam) when a Frenchman,
chewing gum, sits down next
to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman
who, nevertheless,
starts a conversation.
French man: "You American folk
eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
French: (after blowing a huge
bubble) "We don't. In
France, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we
collect in a container, recycle
it, transform them
into croissants and sell them
to the states." The
Frenchman has a smirk on his
face. The American
listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you
eat jelly with the
bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his gum
between his teeth and
chuckling). "We don't.
In France we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast, then we put all
the peels, seeds, and
leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them
into jam and sell the jam to
the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we
do", he says with a big
smirk.
American: "And what do you do
with the condoms once
you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In
America, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt
them down into chewing
gum and sell them to France."
\\\//
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Subj: History
Of The French Military (S318b)
From: JBCARY1 on 2/13/2003
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war
whose ending foreshadows the
next 2000 years of French history,
France is conquered by
of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost,
saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently
creates The First Rule of
French Warfare; "France's armies
are victorious only when
not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes
the first and only
country to ever lose two wars
when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is
technically not a participant,
but manages to get invaded anyway.
Claims a tie on the basis
that eventually the other participants
started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen
take to wearing red
flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied War of the Augsburg League/
King William's War/French and
Indian War - Lost, but claimed
as a tie. Three ties in
a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the
period as the height of French
military power.
War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the
French their first taste of
a Marlborough, which they have
loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move
that will become quite
familiar to future Americans,
France claims a win even
though the English colonists
saw far more action. This is
later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome",
and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare;
"France only wins when
America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily
due the fact that the
opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary
victories (remember
the First Rule!) due to leadership
of a Corsican, who
ended up being no match for
a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost.
Germany first plays the
role of drunk Frat boy to France's
ugly girl home alone
on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the
way to losing, France is
saved by the United States.
Thousands of French women
find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner,
but one who doesn't call her
"Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms by American forces
forestalls any improvement
in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered
French liberated by the
United States and Britain just
as they finish learning
the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French
forces plead sickness, take
to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss
marks the first defeat of a
western army by a Non-Turkic
Muslim force since the Crusades,
and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always
beat the French." This
rule is identical to the First Rules
of the Italians, Russians, Germans,
English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping
in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims
just to be safe. Attempts
to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador
fail after he takes
refuge in a McDonald's.
Let's face it. When it comes to
war, France gets rolled more
often than a Parisian prostitute
with a visible mustache.
They've been beaten so many times
there's no fight left in them.
\\\//
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Subj: American
In Paris (S196)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/02/2000
This is a true story. My
sister and I spent two weeks in
Paris. The locals obviously
hated Americans. No matter
where we went, we were subject
to rude behavior from waiters,
store clerks, pedestrians, etc.
After a while it started to
irritate us.
One day, in Paris, my sister
went shopping. She entered a
store and started looking around.
She was the only customer
in the store. As she was
look through the clothes on the
rack, a clerk hurriedly approached
her and very abruptly asked
if he could help her.
My sister was used to this bad
treatment by now and she
politely declined his help.
She continued to look at the
clothes. Then she noticed
that every clerk in the store was
staring at her.
Defiantly, she continued to look
through the clothes. When
she could take this treatment
no longer, she turned on her
heels, with her head held high,
and left the shop.
As she left, she noticed that
the sign on the store read "Dry
Cleaners."
\\\//
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Subj: Saudi,
Russian, Korean, And French Meet Reporter
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #238 on 98-03-28
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean,
and a Frenchman were
approached by a reporter. "Excuse
me, what is your opinion
about the meat shortage?"
Saudi: "What's a shortage?"
Russian: "What's meat?"
North Korean: "What's an opinion?"
Frenchman: "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"
\\\//
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Subj: Art
Theft At The Louvre
From: humorlist-digest V1 #259 on 97-11-25
Recently a guy in Paris nearly
got away with stealing several
paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime,
getting in and out past security,
he was captured only 2 blocks
away when his Econoline ran
out of gas. When asked how he
could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious
error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
\\\//
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Subj: Frenchman
Has A Name
A Frenchman named Pierre was
walking through the small town
he lived in with a friend.
He pointed to a row of houses
and says "You see those houses?
I built those houses! But
do they call me Pierre the housebuilder?
NO!" They walk along a
bit further, and he points to a number
of boats in the harbour.
"You see those boats? I built those
boats! But do they call
me Pierre the boatbuilder? NO!" He
turns to his friend and says
"but fuck just one goat.."
\\\//
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Subj: French
Quotes (S319)
From: tadams96 on 3/11/2003
. .
| George S. Patton,
one of
the last of our warrior generals in the tradition of Stonewall Jackson, Pat Cleburne and Phil Sheridan, understood the differences between friend and foe. "I would rather have a German division in front of me," he once exclaimed, "than a French one behind me." Top Stories |
 |
From: JBCARY1 on 2/14/2003 (S316)
"Going to war without France
is like going deer hunting
with an accordion. There's
a lot of useless, noisy baggage
that we can leave behind."
-- Jed Babbin (former deputy
undersecretary of defense) on
Fox News.
From: JBCARY1 on 3/13/2003 (S319)
"Only a nation as desperate
to be loved as the United
States would fret about, rather
than chuckle over the
Orwellian irony of being lectured
to about arrogance
by the French and about militarism
by the Germans."
-- Louis Ruykeyser
"Only thing worse than a Frenchman
is a Frenchman who
lives in Canada." --
Ted Nugent
War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II
From: gheckman in 3/13/2003 (S319)
While speaking to the Hoover
Institution today, Secretary
Donald Rumsfeld was asked this
question:
"Could you tell us why to date
at least the Administration
doesn't favor direct talks with
the North Korean government?
After all, we're talking with
the French."
The Secretary smiled and replied:
"I'm not going there!"
"We can stand here like the French,
or we can do something
about it." -- Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war
always means failure"
-- Jacques Chirac,
President of France
"As far as France is concerned,
you're right."
-- Rush Limbaugh,
"The only time France wants us
to go to war is when the
German Army is sitting in Paris
sipping coffee."
-- Regis Philbin
Next time there's a war in Europe,
the loser has to keep
France.
An old saying:
Raise your right hand if you
like the French....
Raise both hands if you are
French.
"You know, the French remind
me a little bit of an aging
actress of the 1940s who was
still trying to dine out on
her looks but doesn't have the
face for it."
-- John McCain, U.S.
Senator from Arizona
"You know why the French don't
want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
Because he hates America, he
loves mistresses and wears a
beret. He is French, people."
-- Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are
surprised that France won't
help us get Saddam out of Iraq.
After all, France wouldn't
help us get the Germans out
of France!" -- Jay Leno
From: JBCARY1 on 10/5/2006
"The French are a smallish,
monkey-looking bunch and not
dressed any better, on average,
than the citizens of
Baltimore. True, you can sit
outside in Paris and drink
little cups of coffee, but why
this is more stylish than
sitting inside and drinking
large glasses of whisky I
don't know." -- P.J. O'Rourke
(1989)
"The last time the French asked
for 'more proof' it came
marching into Paris under a
German flag." -- David Letterman
"The favorite bumper sticker
in Washington D.C. right now is
one that says 'First Iraq, then
France.'" -- Tom Brokaw
"What do you expect from a culture
and a nation that exerted
more of its national will fighting
against Disneyworld and
Big Macs than the Nazis?"
-- Dennis Miller
"It is important to remember
that the French have always been
there when they needed us."
-- Alan Kent
"They've taken their own precautions
against al-Qa'ida. To
prepare for an attack, each
Frenchman is urged to keep duct
tape, a white flag, and a three-day
supply of mistresses in
the house." -- Argus Hamilton
"Somebody was telling me about
the French Army rifle that was
being advertised on eBay the
other day -- the description was
'Never shot. Dropped once.'"
-- Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
"The French will only agree to
go to war when we've proven
we've found truffles in Iraq."
-- Dennis Miller
"Do you know how many Frenchmen
it takes to defend Paris?
It's not known, it's never been
tried." -- Rep. R Blount, MO
"Do you know it only took Germany
three days to conquer France
in WWII? And that's because
it was raining."
-- John Xereas, Manager,
DC Improv
\\\//
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Subj: Short
French Jokes
 |
Subj:
Eiffel Tower Webcam (S531)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/26/2007 |
| Subj:
This American's View Of France (S479c)
From: flovilla on 3/21/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Paris By Night (S473b - in Earth_Lights3)
From: darrell94590 on 2/6/2006 Source: http://framboise781.free.fr/Paris.htm |
You can view this beautiful scene
at the source above,
or on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE MASTERPIECE
IN PHOTOGRAPHY
| Subj:
Horny Guy (S459b in Music)
From: darrell94590 on 11/8/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: France
Since Madrid Bombing (S376)
From: tadams96 on 4/15/2004
Since the Madrid bombing, France
has raised its terror
alert level from "run" to "hide."
The only two higher levels in
France are "surrender" and
"collaborate."
Top
Subj: French
Military Victories (S355)
From:tadams96 on 11/19/2003
•Go to the Google search engine
at www.google.com.
•Type in the search terms "french
military victories" (in
that order, and watch your
spelling).
•Select the "I'm feeling lucky"
search option.
The results? "Did you mean French
military defeats"? Google asks.
Tres drole, as they say in Paris.
Top
Subj: Iraq
Strengthens Air Force w/French Parts (S318)
From: tadams96 on 3/7/2003
Here is the article from a very
respected authority on
military/security matters, Bill
Gertz.
http://www.washingtontimes.com/national/20030307-545570.htm
I have heard the reason that
France is against the war is
economic. Supposedly many
French companies are doing
business with Iraq through loans
guarenteed by Hussein and
not a bank.
Top
Subj: French
Bashing Web Sites (S317)
From: tnkr on 2/28/2003
http://www.francestinks.com/
and http://www.germanystinks.com/
for Germany
From: tadams96 on 2/27/2003
Check this out on USA Today.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/opinion/cartoons.htm
Top
Subj: Euro
Disney Fireworks (S317)
From: flovilla on 2/25/2003
NEWS BULLETIN
France announced today that it
plans to ban fireworks
at Euro Disney, following last
night's display that
caused soldiers at a nearby
French army garrison to
surrender.
In 1900 the tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #135 on 98-06-01
A French guest, staying in a
hotel in Edmonton phoned
room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?"
asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/9/2002 (S272c)
Those who jump off a Paris bridge
are in Seine.
From: KMACINTY on 1/17/2003 (S311)
A grenade thrown into a kitchen
in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
From: JBCARY1 on 2/14/2003 (S316)
Since we are on the topic of
French bashing, here
are a few more:
Q: How many Frenchmen does it
take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, they have never
tried it.
Q: The French have just ordered
a new national flag.
A: It’s a white cross on a white
background.
Q: What’s the difference between
a Wonderbra and
the French World
Cup squad?
A: A Wonderbra has decent support
— and a cup.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #234 on 98-03-04
Q: Why did the French plant
trees on the Champs Elys?es?
A: So the Germans could march
in the shade.
Q: Why do the French plant so
many trees along the sides
of the roads?
A: The Germans like to march
in the shade.
From: scott_pryor on 99-02-21
Q: Did you hear about the dehydrated
Frenchman?
A: Pierre.
From: gheckman in 3/13/2003 (S319)
Q: How many Frenchmen does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb and
all of
Europe revolves
around him.
From: JBCARY1 on 10/5/2006 (S356b)
Q: What did the mayor of Paris
say to the German Army as
they entered the
city in WWII?
A: Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
\\\//
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 |
Smiley at the Eiffel Tower
from
Smiley_Central |