Irish1

>>>
Subj: Irish1 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 21 jokes and articles)

Also see ACCIDENTS1   - 'Irishman Hit By Four Cars'
         BALLS file   - 'Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde Wants To Cross The Street'
         BAR2 file    - 'Mickey And Barmaid Bet'
         CATHOLIC file- 'Mary's Husband Dies'
......................- 'A Drunk Enters The Confessional'
         CLOTHING file- 'Three Guys Get Army Uniforms'
         DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Irish Woman Wants Viagra For Her Husband'
         DRINKING     - 'Drunk Pulled Over By Irish Cop'
......................- 'Drunk Irishman Falls Down Leaving Bar'
         DOG1 file    - 'Mass For A Dead Dog'
         ENGLISHMAN   - 'The Pope And The Queen On A Balcony'
         GAMES-SUPP   - 'Six Retired Floridians Play Poker'
         GOLF2 file   - 'Three Guys And Their Wives Play Golf'
         GREEK file   - 'Irish, Jew And Greek Make A Deal With St. Peter'
         HANDICAPPED - 'The Drinker Goes Home'
         HEADLINES/ADS- 'Irish Personal Ads'
         ITALIAN file - 'Paolo The Carpenter'
         KNIGHT file - 'The Magic Troll'
         LEPRECHAN    - (the whole file)
         NUNS1 file   - 'Mother Superior And The Leprechans'
         POLISH file - 'Irish, Italian And Polish Discuss Best Bar'
......................- 'Irishman And Polack Out Hunting'
.........PRIEST2 file - 'Man Confesses To Almost Having Sex'
......................- 'Final Test For Priesthood'
         REDNECK3     - 'Jesus Sitting At The Bar'
......................- 'Irish, Mexican, and Redneck Do Constructiom Work'
         SCIENCE2 file- 'Archeologists f/Three Countries Dig'
         TRAINS file - 'Letters About Train Service'
         WEDDING file - 'Irish Wedding Turns Into A Fight'
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Subj:     The History of St Patrick's Day (S529b)
          From: momndadac on 3/11/2007

The person who was to become St. Patrick, the patron
saint of Ireland, was born in Wales about AD 385. His
given name was Maewyn, and he almost didn't get the job
of bishop of Ireland because he lacked the required
scholarship.

Far from being a saint, until he was 16, he considered
himself a pagan. At that age, he was sold into slavery
by a group of Irish marauders that raided his village.
He escaped after six years and went to Gaul, where he
studied in the monastery under St. Germain, bishop of
Auxerre for a period of twelve years. During his
training, he became aware that his calling was to
convert the pagans to Christianity.

His wishes were to return to Ireland, to convert the
native pagans to Christianity. But his superiors
instead appointed St. Palladius. But two years later,
Palladius transferred to Scotland. Patrick, having
adopted that Christian name earlier, was then appointed
as second bishop to Ireland.

Patrick was quite successful at winning converts, which
upset the Celtic Druids. Patrick was arrested several
times, but escaped each time. He traveled throughout
Ireland, establishing monasteries across the country.
He also set up schools and churches which would aid him
in his conversion of the Irish country to Christianity.

His mission in Ireland lasted for thirty years. After
that time, Patrick retired to County Down. He died on
March 17 in AD 461. That day has been commemorated as
St. Patrick's Day ever since.

Much Irish folklore surrounds St. Patrick's Day - not
much of it is actually substantiated. Some of this lore
includes the belief that Patrick raised people from the
dead. He also is said to have given a sermon from a
hilltop that drove all the snakes from Ireland. Of
course, no snakes were ever native to Ireland, and some
people think this is a metaphor for the conversion of
the pagans. Though originally a Catholic holy day, St.
Patrick's Day has evolved into more of a secular holiday.

One traditional icon of the day is the shamrock. And
this stems from a more bona fide Irish tale that tells
how Patrick used the three-leafed shamrock to explain
the Trinity. He used it in his sermons to represent
how the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit could all
exist as separate elements of the same entity. His
followers adopted the custom of wearing a shamrock on
his feast day.

The St. Patrick's Day custom came to America in 1737.
Today, people celebrate the day with parades, wearing
of the green, and drinking beer. One reason St. Patrick's
Day might have become so popular is that it takes place
just a few days before the first day of spring - one might
even say it has become the first green of spring.

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Subj:     St Paddy's Day Fun Facts (S529)
          From: momndadac on 3/11/2007

Here are a few amusing and ironic facts about St Patrick's
Day - Now I bet you didn't know this!

- In the United States, it's customary to wear green on St.
Patrick's Day. But in Ireland the color was long considered
to be unlucky. Irish folklore holds that green is the
favorite color of the Good People (the proper name for
fairies). They are likely to steal people, especially
children, who wear too much of the color.

- By law, pubs in Ireland were closed on St. Patrick's
Day, a national religious holiday, as recently as the 1970s.

- According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 34 million United
States residents claim Irish ancestry, or nearly ten times
the entire population of Ireland today, which stands at
3.9 million.

- Chicago is famous for dyeing the Chicago River green on
St. Patrick's Day. The tradition began in 1962, when a
pipe fitters union - with the permission of the mayor -
poured a hundred pounds (45 kilograms) of green vegetable
dye into the river.

Today, only 40 pounds (18 kilograms) of dye are used,
enough to turn the river green for several hours.

- Ireland is about 300 miles (480 km) long and 200 miles
(320 km) wide. Those facts, along with other features,
led Swedish geographer Ulf Erlingsson to recently conclude
that the Atlantic ocean island is the same one identified
by ancient Greek philosopher Plato as Atlantis in his
famous dialogues "Timaeus and Critias".

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Subj:     Irishman And The Genie (DU)
          From: thebartend on 3/17/00

Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the
Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the
lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"
Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of
Guinness that never gets empty.

"Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the
bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this
one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered
that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again
and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more
wishes, what would you like?"

"You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he
asks the Genies.

"Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of
them"

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Subj:     Paddy Gives A Panhandler Money (S163)
          From: KMacinty on 3/17/00

An unshaven, dirty, bedraggled panhandler, with bloodshot
eyes and teeth half gone, asks Paddy for a dime. "Do you
drink, smoke, or gamble?" asks Paddy.

"Mister," says the bum, "I don't touch a drop, or smoke the
filthy weed, or bother with evil gambling."

"Okay," says Paddy. "If you will come home with me I will
give you a dollar."

As they enter the house, Maureen takes Paddy aside and
hisses, "How dare you bring that terrible-looking specimen
into our home!"

"Darling," says Paddy, "I just wanted you to see what a
man looks like who does not drink, does not smoke, and
does not gamble."

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Subj:     Dying Irishman Goes To Bar (S146, S542)
          From: KMacinty on 11/16/1999
      and From: redcatt on 5/30/2007

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed
and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news
for you... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd
give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid
character, managed to compose himself and walk from the
doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his
son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good
and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,
things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given
a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a
few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little
less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They
were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends
who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the
bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to
his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got few
weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a
couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son
leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought
you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told
your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't
want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

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Subj:     You Can't Kiss The Blarney Stone, But... (S131A)
          From: valkin on 8/3/99

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women
in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible, it's
too hot, it's too cold and the accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss
the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's
being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't
kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss
someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good
fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the irritated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

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Subj:     Two Irish And An Indian Head At A Bar (S125b, S570b)

There are two Irish fellows, Paddy and Murphy, in a bar in
the wild west who are totally drunk. All of a sudden, a
man walks into the bar with a red Indian's head under his
arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I fucking hate Indians,
last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my
wife and killed my children."

He then says, "If any man brings me the head of a red Indian,
I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two Irish fellows look at each other and walk out of the
bar to go looking for an Indian. They've been walking around
for a while when suddenly they see one, so Paddy throws a
stone which hits the Indian right on the head. The Indian
falls off his horse but lands seventy feet down a ravine, so
the two Irish men make their way down the ravine where Paddy
starts sawing the Indian's head off.

Whilst in the middle of doing this, Murphy suddenly says,
"Paddy, look at this."

Paddy replies, "Not now, I'm busy."

Murphy tugs him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you
should look at this."

Paddy keeps on sawing and says, "Look, fuck off, you can see
I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Murphy's adamant. "Please, Paddy look at this."

So Paddy finally looks up and standing at the top of the
ravine are 5,000 red Indians. Paddy shakes his head in
disbelief and says, "Fuck me, we're going to be millionaires!"

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Subj:     Irish Gang Robs A Bank (S116)
          From: RFSlick on 4/13/99

A group of Irish gangsters are sitting around deliberating
over methods they will employ in robbing a bank. After a
lot of thought they all agree on the way to go about it.
In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and
embark on their plans to get rich.

Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal
security system get under way immediately. The robbers
expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash
and valuables were more than surprised to see hundreds of
smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.
The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the
robbers found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. "Well,"
said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat."
They open up the second safe and it also contained nothing
but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all
the safes were opened and there was not one dollar, a
diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found. Instead, all
the safes contained containers of pudding. Disappointed,
each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with
nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a Dublin newspaper HEADLINE read:
"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING..."

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Subj:     Texan In An Irish Pub (S112)
          From: FrankRoesc on 3/18/99

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to
the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a
bunch of drinkin' mother fuckers. I'll give $500 American
dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
back-to-back".

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One
man even leaves. 30 minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints
of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of
the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other
pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan
gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the
street to see if I could do it first".

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Subj:     God Creates Earth (S111)
          From: smiles on 99-03-13

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing
for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him.
He inquired of God, "Where were you?."

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I'm after
making."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE
on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance
between everything on it. For example, there's North America
and South America. North America is going to be rich and
south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining
them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here.
I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one
of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and
what's that green dot there?."

God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special
place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth;
Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite
coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and
they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be
playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm
going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go
mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of
the earth to imbibe. "

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then
seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the
BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance..

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going
to give them".

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Subj:     IRA Terrorists (S291b)

An IRA Bandit runs into a Pub in London and orders everyone
up against the bar. He then orders all to drop their pants.
After which he proceeds down the bar and exhales up each
rectum.

When he finishes and is about to leave the bar, one of the
victims inquires, "not that it's any of our business, but
just what the hell was that all about?".

The bandit replies -- "the IRA back in Belfast paid me a
million pounds to go into a London pub and blow up every
asshole!".

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Subj:     Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman, Go To a Bar (S310b)
          From: V-lewis on 97-04-29

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked
into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint
of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their
beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints, and were
stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Scotsman too, in anguish, picked the fly out of his
drink, then held it out over the beer and started yelling
"ALRIGHT! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT ALL OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

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Subj:     Irish Prayer (S507b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 10/10/2006
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20061011

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Subj:     Irishman Drinks Three Pints Of Guinness
          From: The Bartender Joke Of he Day on 07/05/97

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints
of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each on in turn. When he finished them, he comes
back into to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I
draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in American, the other in Australia, and I'm here in
Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink
this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves
it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always
drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in
turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights
dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit
drinking!"

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Subj:     Irish Wife Wants A Divorce
          From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor
questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a
grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a
carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man
beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always
first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does
he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows
anything about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to
find out are what grounds you have."

'Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box,
let alone grounds.'

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable
exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.
What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady,"Shure it's because the man
can't hold an intelligent conversation."

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Subj:     Three Irish In The Graveyard (S359)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-08-22
      and From: thebartend on 12/15/2003

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling
home from the pub late one night and found themselves on
the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "it's Michael
O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe
old age of 87".

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick
O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died".

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella
that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?", asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to
see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."

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Subj:     Irish, English And Scots Discussing Their Wives (S313)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #180 on 97-08-22
      and From: KMACINTY on 1/29/2003

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a
bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid.
Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300
worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even
have a fridge to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says
his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and
spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't
even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman
sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and
got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife
is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he
chuckles. "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I
watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about
100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"

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Subj:     Kelly And Riley Get In A Fight (S139, S370)
          From: RFSlick on 09/23/1999
      and From: DoctorDebt on 2/18/2004

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly
as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said,
surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a
beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

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Subj:     Two Irish Meet In A Bar (S33, S425)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-09-02

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and
asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course,"
comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland
too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are
you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from
Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What
school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to
Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits
down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the
bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley
twins are drunk again."

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Subj:     Seamus O'Malley Dies In Vat (S370)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #228 on 97-10-20
      and From: DoctorDebt on 2/18/2004

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was
an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone.
I'm sorry."

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the
rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and
collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she
looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness
Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did
he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda......no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

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Subj:     Drunk Irishman Has His Car Stolen (S43)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 25 Nov 97

"I beeeen robbbed" said an Irishman walks out of a pub,
stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on
the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?"

"Yesss, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time
you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key." About this
time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member
is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you
aware that you are exposing yourself laddy?" The Irishman
looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD.... they got me
girlfriend too!!"

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Subj:     Irish Girl Calls Demolition Company (S511)
          From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2006 (in Contractor)
Drawing from Ginny Prior Media Services

This 1,500 KB radio broadcast is a call by a young Irish
girl to a demolition company. She asks them to destroy
her school. You can listen to the funny recording on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Smiley as the luck of the Irish from
Smiley_Central

.