Italian

Subj: Italian Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 37 jokes and articles)

Also see BARBER file - 'A Vacation In Rome'
         CHRISTMAS-SUP- 'An Italian Christmas Date'
         CLOTHING file- 'Three Guys Get Army Uniforms'
         CONDOM file - 'Italian Chewing Gum'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Doctor Gets Nurse Pregnant'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Heart Attacks'
         ELDERLY2 file- 'Two Old Men, Wheat Bread and Sex'
         ENGLISHMAN   - 'European Heaven And Hell'
         FACTS4 file - 'Taxes In Italy'
         Fairy Tales - 'Three Little Pigs Italian Style'
         FIREMEN file - 'Itailian Firefighters'
         FUNERAL file - 'Elderly Man Dying For A Cookie'
         HOOKER file - 'Cheap Hooker Arrested'
         LATIN file   - (see whole file)
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Man And Wife Are Having Two Problems'
         NEW YORKER   - 'New Yorkers Honeymoon On Train'
         MEN1 file    - 'Italian, Frenchman, And Jew Excite Wives'
         POLISH file - 'Irish, Italian And Polish Discuss Best Bar'
         PREGNANT     - 'Italian Girl Pregnant'
         REDNECK3     - 'Jesus Sitting At The Bar'
         WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Marol's Wedding Night.....'
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Subj:     Italian Time Piece (S524b in time-supp)
          From: darrell94590
          on 2/1/2007

You can view this cute, 1,900 KB movie on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     You Know Your Italian When... (S572c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/3/2008

You know you're Italian when . . . You can bench press
325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your
mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't
fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and
pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel
agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on
the same block. All five of those cousins are named after
your grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall
owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9', it is
presumed his Mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . .

Your grandfather had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00

Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

Your mom's meatballs are the best.

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe
thrown at you.

Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.

You know how to pronounce 'manicotti' and 'mozzarella.'

You fight over whether it's called 'sauce' or 'gravy.'

You've called someone a 'mamaluke.'

And you understand 'bada bing'.

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them
that said TO NY

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Subj:     Greek And Italian Brag (S565c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/29/2007

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day
discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy said, "Well, we have the
Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, "We have the
Coliseum." The Greek retorted,

"We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.

"The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, "But we built the
Roman Empire." And so on and so on, until the Greek came up
with what he thought would end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he said, "We Greeks invented sex!"

The Italian replied, "That is true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women."

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Subj:     Italian Grandfather On His Dying Bed (S528)
          From: drgolfmd on 3/8/2007

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson
to his bed! "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava
me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.
You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home
and maybe a couple a bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna
bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to
you watch and say "Times up"?"

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Subj:     Moishe Goes To Italy (S483)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/12/2006

My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing
businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that
he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise
himself, and because he was still single, he could check out
all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
with a beautiful young lady... she only spoke Italian and he
only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other
spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture
of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride
in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a
glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for
the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he's
never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture
business.

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Subj:     Old Italian Woman Looks for Her Husband (S268b)
          From: thebartend on 3/20/2002

An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After
a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the
first saleswoman she sees and ask, "Escusa me, have you
senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of
curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to asks another saleswoman,
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a
belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband." The
Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask,
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a
belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers, "Yes, I saw him... he ran out
of here lickety split."

To which the Italian woman answers, "No, no, no... that's
not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts
but he no lickety split!"

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Subj:     Italian Jew Confesses WWII Sins (S264)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 2/13/2002

An elderly Italian jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty
conscience by talking to this rabbi. "Rabbi, during World
War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a
Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am
alive today because of it."

"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never
forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the rabbi.

"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on
my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid
her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need
to feel guilty."

"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay
me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered
terribly if the ermans had found her. There is a favorable
balance between good and evil, and you will be judged
kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I
have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

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Subj:     Exchanging Presents
          From: thebartend on 4/12/99

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at
the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a
brand-new pistol.

On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish
boy receives a beautiful gold watch.

The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other
what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's
present better, and so they trade.

That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees
him looking at the watch.

"Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man. The boy
explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his
top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? "Somma
day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day
you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another
man. Whatta you gonna do then?

Looka atta you watch and say, "How longa you gonna be?"

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Subj:     Two Italian Virgins Get Married (S78)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #262 on 98-07-28

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.
However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once
they get to their hotel room.

The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice
on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the
bed together and snuggle with each other and things should
start to happen from there.

The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He
calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says
they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in
bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom
take his mother's advice but still nothing.

He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with
the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing
you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up
on him.

A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back,
"Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"

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Subj:     French, Italian, And American Discuss Sex With Wives (S63)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-04-16

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American
on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began
discussing their home lives.

"Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the French-
man bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes
and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet
and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did
she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

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Subj:     The Italian Who Went To Malta (S320b)
          Contributed by Skanky (Dr. Dirty Jokes)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 3/11/2003

One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I
go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two
pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her
I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you
no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say
you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I
don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress
brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I
wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell
her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She
say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits
onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit.
He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I
wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed,
you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call
me sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace
on you". I say Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I
gonna back to Italy.

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Subj:     Italians On A Bus (S183, S327b)
          From: agrief on 7/28/00
      and From: gheckman on 5/5/2003

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat
themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady
sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first,
but her attention is drawn when she hears one of the men
saying:

"Emma comma first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together.
I comma again. Two asses, they comma together again. I den
pee twice. Den I comma once more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorts the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my
friend howa to spella 'Mississippi'."

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Subj:     Paolo The Carpenter (S573b)
          From: Bartender at SmartBar 1996
      and From: tom on 1/7/2008

I met this Italian guy while vacationing a while back, we
got to talking, then to drinking, and he starts to tell me
his story. "My name is Paolo, I am the finest of carpenters,
but do they call me Paolo the carpenter? NO! I have built
fine benches which grace the best parks in Italy, but do
they call me Paolo the bench builder? NO!

I have built houses that will last generations, but do they
call me Paolo the house builder? NO! But I fuck one pig
and ...

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Subj:     Fucking Nude Woman On Beach

An Italian man was walking along a secluded beach one day,
when he spotted a beautiful naked woman lying on the beach.
Unable to restrain himself, he immediately jumped on her
and proceeded to hump like a rabid rabbit. Soon, however,
the townspeople came out and began to beat the man, calling
him names. "Bastardo!" "Perverto!" They cried out
desperately. "Perverto? I am-a no perverto!" the man
hollered back.

The people responded, "Idiot! Can't you see this woman is-a
DEAD!?".

"DEAD?!", he cried. "My God, I thought she was-a English!"

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Subj:     Deaf And Dumb Bag Man
          From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
          (Also see 'Bounty Hunter In Mexican Bar' in Mexican
                and 'Two Brothers, One A Lawyer' in LAWYER1)

Guido went to the Godfather one day and asked if job could
be found for his nephew who was due to arrive from Sicily.

"No problem," said the boss.

"You should know ahead of time that the boy is deaf and dumb,
though," said Guido.

"That's okay," said the Capo, "We'll give him a job as a
bagman and he won't need to talk."

The boy had been working for about six months picking up
numbers game receipts when the don called Guido into his
office. Obviously very angry, he said, "That little scumbag
nephew of yours has been skimming from the collections. I
figure he's stolen about $500,000 by now and I want it back,
right now!"

Guido found his nephew downstairs, and in sign language,
told the boy, "The Godfather is very upset with you and
wants to see us both right away."

Shrugging his shoulders, the boy followed his uncle to the
boss's office. They sat down across the desk from the boss
and Guido signed to the lad, "The Godfather wants to know
where the money is that you stole from him."

The boy shrugged his shoulders as if he knew nothing about
it. With that, the don pulled a .357 magnum from the drawer,
pointed it at the boy's head, and bellowed, "Tell that little
puke he's got ten seconds to tell you where that money is or
I'll blow his head off."

The boy's eyes widened with terror at the sight of the gun
and he quickly signed to his uncle, "I stashed the money
under the basement stairs at your house."

"Well?" the boss demanded, "What did that little ingrate
have to say?"

Guido replied, "He says he doesn't think you have the guts
to pull the trigger."

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Subj:     Short Italian Jokes

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Subj:     Italian Chewing Gum (S460 in Condom)
          From: darrell94590
          on 11/14/2005

You can view this cute movie on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj: The Sopranos Explanation Site (S373b)
From: pns on 3/22/2004
If you are addicted to THE SOPRANOS, but are often confused
by plot lines, here is something of interest:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4484198/

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Subj: Fathers Must Support Adult Kids (S271)
From: jerry on 4/10/2002
Italy's highest appeals court has handed down a decision
requiring that fathers must continue supporting adult
children until the child finds a job TO THE CHILD'S LIKING!

This came out of a lawsuit filed by a man in his 30s, with
a law degree, who turned down several job offers and who
felt his father should continue to support him until he
found a really great job.

And what said the judge?

"You cannot blame a young person, particularly from a
well-of family, who refuses a job that does not fit his
aspirations. The parents have to pay for their upkeep."

And what says the father?

"I feel disgust for a country that I love. It wasn't
always like this."

Reuters via ABC News 5-Apr-02

Italian foreplay: Elbowing his sleeping wife (S115)
he says "Hey, yoy awake?"
Australian foreplay: "Hey Sheila, you awake?"
Tasmanian foreplay: "You awake, sis?"
New Zealand foreplay: "You awake, fluffy?"

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship
badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist
flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-
be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation
on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted
deserts.

Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the
incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and
marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."

Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made
off with over six million dollars...

The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an
eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling
matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed,
but the only way to be disqualified is to poke someone's eye
out.

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing
46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

A paraphrase of Winston Churchill to J. Ribbentrop, German
foreign minister shorthly before WWII: "It's only fair that
you have the Italians this time, we had them last time."

What does the Pope say when he makes the sign of the
cross from the balcony?
On the down stroke "All you dagos"
On the cross stroke "Get off the grass"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #234 on 98-03-04
Here about those new Italian snow tires?
Dago through rain, dago through snow,
but when dago flat, dago wop wop wop.

From: DrRibeiro on 8/2/99 (S131B)
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came,
I saw, I shopped.

Q: How do you stop an Italian from talking?
A: Tie his hands together...

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and
an old Italian woman?
A: About 50lbs and a black dress.

Q: Why do Italian men wear mustaches?
A: They want to look like their mothers.

Q: What does an old Italian woman have between her
breasts that a young Italian woman doesn't?
A: Her navel.

Q: Why did the italian man trade his wife in for
a garbage can?
A: The hole was smaller and it smelled better!

Q: Why do itallians have big noses ?
A: They've got to feed big families.

Q: Why did the itallian go to lunch with foil on his nose?
A: To keep his lunch warm.

Q: There's an Australian, a Negro and an Italian all in
primary school. Which one has the biggest dick?
A: The Italian - cause he is 26 years old!

Q: What is the similarity between FIAT cars and
Italian girls ?
A: They're small on the outside, but
once you're inside, there's plenty of room.

Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Italy?
A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: Did you hear about the happy roman???
A: Gladiator (Glad he ate her)

From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134 ? S322b)
and From: DoctorDebt on 6/1/2003
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

From: Robert P. on 10/12/03 (S350b)
Q: How can you recognize an Italian Airline?
A: All the planes have hair under their wings?

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Smiley tips the tower from
Smiley_Central

.