.
 
Subj:     Italian Jokes
                 (Includes 43 jokes and articles, 22882n,5,cf,md4v,2)

Italian flag from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Driving While Italian - Video (S722)
.........................Bringing Home Your Fiancee To Your Italian Mother (S721)
.........................You Know Your Italian When... (S572c)
.........................Italian Timepiece - Video (S524b, S849d)
.........................The Italian Elbow (S607c)
.........................Being Italian (S591c)
.........................Italian Buisness School (S587)
.........................You Know Your Italian When... (S572c)
.........................Greek And Italian Brag (S565c)
.........................Italian Police On Motorcycles - Video (S608)
.........................Italian Grandfather On His Dying Bed (S528)
.........................Moishe Goes To Italy (S483)
.........................Old Italian Woman Looks for Her Husband (S268b, DU)
.........................Italian Jew Confesses WWII Sins (S264, S610)
.........................Exchanging Presents (S615c)
.........................Italian Chewing Gum - Video (S460)
.........................Two Italian Virgins Get Married (S78, S611c)
.........................French,Italian,And American Discuss Sex w/Wives (S63)
.........................The Italian Who Went To Malta (S320)
.........................Italians On A Bus (S183, S327b)
.........................Paolo The Carpenter (S573b)
.........................42 Things In The Life Of An Italian Child (S660b)
.........................Fucking Nude Woman On Beach
.........................Deaf And Dumb Bag Man
.........................Short Italian Jokes
..............................The Sopranos Explanation Site (S373b)
..............................Fathers Must Support Adult Kids (S271)

Also see BARBER file  - 'A Vacation In Rome'
         CHRISTMAS-SUP- 'Italian Christmas Time' - Video
......................- 'An Italian Christmas Date'
         CHRISTMS3-SUP- 'Italian Night Before Christmas In Brooklyn' - Video
         CLOTHING file- 'Gennaro's Leather Shoes'
......................- 'Three Guys Get Army Uniforms'
         CONDOM file  - 'Italian Chewing Gum'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Doctor Gets Nurse Pregnant'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Heart Attacks'
         ELDERLY2 file- 'Two Old Men, Wheat Bread and Sex'
         ENGLISHMAN   - 'European Heaven And Hell'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Taxes In Italy'
         Fairy Tales  - 'Three Little Pigs Italian Style'
         FIREMEN file - 'Itailian Firefighters'
         FUNERAL file - 'Elderly Man Dying For A Cookie'
         HEADLINES/ADS- 'Pepsi Commercial - Godfather Girl'
         HOOKER file  - 'Cheap Hooker Arrested'
         LATIN file   -  (see whole file)
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Man And Wife Are Having Two Problems'
         NEW YORKER   - 'New Yorkers Honeymoon On Train'
         MEN1 file    - 'Italian, Frenchman, And Jew Excite Wives'
         POLISH file  - 'Irish, Italian And Polish Discuss Best Bar'
         PREGNANT     - 'Italian Girl Pregnant'
         QUOT-COMED-S2- 'Father Guido Sarducci's Life Is A Job' - Video
         REDNECK3     - 'Jesus Sitting At The Bar'
         STATUE file  - 'David Returns To Italy'
         SWEDISH_ETC   - 'Auction Of The Year' - Video
         THO-TIME-SUPP- 'The Secret Powers Of Time'
         WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Marol's Wedding Night.....'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Driving While Italian (S722d)
          From: darrellvip
          on 11/18/2010
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X4tqi7d83M

 This video is D.W.I. (DRIVING WHILE ITALIAN) - a comedy short.
 Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this
 short, silly video.

Top
Subj:     Bringing Home Your Fiancee To Your Italian Mother (S721)
          From: tom on 11/10/2010

 Rocco excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that
 he is going to get married.  He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm
 going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one
 I'm going to marry.'  Rocco's mother agrees.

 The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house
 and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
 Rocco says, 'Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry?'.

 Mother immediately replies, 'The one on the right.'

 That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know??????'

 The Italian mother replied 'I don't like her.'

Top
Subj:     You Know Your Italian When... (S572c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/3/2008

 You know you're Italian when . . . You can bench press
 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your
 mother yells at you.

 You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't
 fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and
 pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

 Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel
 agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

 You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on
 the same block. All five of those cousins are named after
 your grandfather or grandmother.

 You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall
 owners.

 You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

 If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9', it is
 presumed his Mother had an affair.

 There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

 You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

 And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . .

 Your grandfather had a fig tree.

 You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00

 Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

 Your mom's meatballs are the best.

 You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe
 thrown at you.

 Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.

 You know how to pronounce 'manicotti' and 'mozzarella.'

 You fight over whether it's called 'sauce' or 'gravy.'

 You've called someone a 'mamaluke.'

 And you understand 'bada bing'.

 Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
 Because Italians hate all witnesses.

 Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
 On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them
 that said TO NY

Top
Subj:     Italian Timepiece (S524b in time-supp)
          From: darrell94590 on 2/1/07 (& S849d)
      and From: kgilmour2000 on 4/14/2013
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=mHyRCeKxhss&vq=large

 This is one of the funniest and smartest clips I have ever
 seen. It just shows how different point of views can affect
 the logical thinking to a way that even an average person
 might think that time can be told by lifting donkey balls.
 It includes English subtitles. Click on the above source,
 or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this great, HD video.

Top
Subj:     The Italian Elbow (S607c)
          From: tom on 8/19/2008

 An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown
 grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.  "You comma
 to de front door of the apartmenta.  I am inna apartmenta
 301.  There issa bigga panel at the front door.  With you
 elbow, pusha button 301.

 I will buzza you in.  Come inside, the elevator is on the
 right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.  When you get
 out, I'mma on the left.  With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

 "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all
  these buttons with my elbow?

 "What . . . . . . . You comma empty handed?

Top
Subj:     Being Italian (S591c)
          From: ginafm on 5/12/2008

 I am sure for most second-generation Italian-American
 children who grew  up in the 40's, 50's, and 60's there
 was a definite distinction between us and them.  We were
 Italians, everybody else, the Irish, the Germans, the
 Poles, they were "Americans".

 I was well into adulthood before I realized I was an
 American.  I had been born American and lived here all my
 life, but Americans were people who ate peanut butter and
 jelly sandwiches on mushy white bread.  I had no animosity
 towards them, it's just I thought ours was the better way
 with our bread man, egg man, javelle man, vegetable man,
 the chicken man, to name a few of the peddlers who came to
 our neighborhoods.  We knew them; they knew us.

 Americans went to the A?P.  It amazed me that some friends
 and classmates on Thanksgiving and Christmas ate only
 turkey with stuffing, potatoes, and cranberry sauce.  We
 had turkey, but after antipasto, soup, lasagna, meatballs
 and salad.  In case someone came in who didn't like turkey,
 we also had a roast of beef.  Soon after we were eating
 fruits, nuts, pastries  and homemade cookies sprinkled with
 little colored things.

 This is where you learned to eat a seven course meal between
 noon and four PM, how to handle hot chestnuts and put
 peaches in wine. Italians live a romance with food.

 Sundays we would wake up to the smell of garlic and onions
 frying in olive oil.  We always had macaroni and sauce.
 Sunday would not be Sunday without going to mass.  Of course
 you couldn't eat before mass because you had to fast before
 receiving communion.  We knew when we got home we'd find
 meatballs frying, and nothing tasted better than newly
 cooked meatballs with crisp bread dipped into a pot of hot
 gravy.

 Another difference between them and us was we had gardens.
 Not just  with flowers, but tomatoes, peppers, basil,
 lettuce and "cucuzza".

 Everybody had a grapevine and fig tree.  In the fall we
 drank homemade wine arguing over who made the best.  Those
 gardens thrived because we had something our American
 friends didn't seem to have. We had Grandparents.

 It's not that they didn't have grandparents.  It's just
 they didn't live in the same house or street.  We ate with
 our grandparents, and God forbid if we didn't visit them
 3 times a week.  I can still remember my grandfather
 telling us how he came to America when he was young, on
 the "boat."

 I'll never forget the holidays when the relatives would
 gather at my grandparent's house, the women in the kitchen,
 the men in the living room, the kids everywhere.  I must
 have fifty cousins.  My grandfather sat in the middle of
 it all drinking his wine.  He was so proud of his family
 and how well they had done.

 When my grandparents died, things began to change.  Family
 gatherings were fewer and something seemed to be missing.
 Although we did get together usually at my mother's house,
 I always had the feeling grandma and  grandpa were there.

 It's understandable things change.  We all have families
 of our own and grandchildren of our own.  Today we visit
 once in a while or meet at wakes or weddings.  Other
 things have also changed.  The old house my grandparents
 bought is now covered with aluminum siding.  A green lawn
 covers the soil that grew the tomatoes.

 THERE WAS NO ONE TO COVER THE FIG TREE . . . SO IT DIED.

 The holidays have changed.  We still make family "rounds"
 but somehow  things have become more formal.  The great
 quantities of food we consumed, without any ill effects,
 is not good for us anymore.  Too much starch, too much
 cholesterol, too many calories in the pastries.

 The difference between "us" and "them" isn't so easily
 defined anymore, and I guess that's good.  My grandparents
 were Italian-Italians, my parents  were Italian-Americans.
 I'm an American and proud of it, just as my grandparents
 would want me to be.  We are all Americans now... the
 Irish, Germans,  Poles, all U.S. Citizens.

 But somehow I still feel a little bit Italian.  Call it
 culture... call it roots... I'm not sure what it is.  All
 I do know is that my children, grandchildren, nieces, and
 nephews, have been cheated out of a wonderful piece of our
 heritage.

 PASS THIS ON TO YOUR ITALIAN FRIENDS.

Top
Subj:     Italian Buisness School (S587)
          From: gordonschuk on 4/18/2008

 Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'
 Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
 Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..'
 Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'

 Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.
 Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
 Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!'
 Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
 Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

 Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
 Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
 President: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'
 Luigi: 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
 President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

 And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

Top
Subj:     Greek And Italian Brag (S565c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/29/2007

 A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day
 discussing who had the superior culture.

 Over triple lattes the Greek guy said, "Well, we have the
 Parthenon."

 Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, "We have the
 Coliseum." The Greek retorted,

 "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.

 "The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, "But we built the
 Roman Empire."  And so on and so on, until the Greek came up
 with what he thought would end the discussion.

 With a flourish of finality he said, "We Greeks invented sex!"

 The Italian replied, "That is true, but it was the Italians
 who introduced it to women."

Top
Subj:     Italian Police On Motorcycles (S608d)
          From: tom (in Harley)
          on 8/29/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrLvYrKYVD8

 This video shows the Italian police motorcycle unitís
 precision drills of the 1950s.  Their driving skills
 are awsome.  You can view the video at the above source,
 or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Italian Grandfather On His Dying Bed (S528)
          From: drgolfmd on 3/8/2007

 An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson
 to his bed!  "Lissin-a me.  I wanna for you to taka my chrome
 plated 38 revolver so you  will always remember me."

 "But grandpa, I really doan-a lika guns.  Howzabout you leava
 me your Rolex watch instead?"

 "Shuddup an lissin.  Somma day you gonna runna da business.
 You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home
 and maybe a couple a bambinos."

 "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna
 bed with another man.  Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to
 you watch and say "Times up"?"

Top
Subj:     Moishe Goes To Italy (S483)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/12/2006

 My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing
 businesses in Miami, a furniture store.  I convinced him that
 he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise
 himself, and because he was still single, he could check out
 all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

 As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
 with a beautiful young lady...  she only spoke Italian and he
 only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other
 spoke.  He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture
 of a taxi.  She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride
 in the park.  Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
 with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.

 After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They
 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a
 glorious evening.  It had gotten quite late when she motioned for
 the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

 Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he's
 never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture
 business.

Top
Subj:     Old Italian Woman Looks for Her Husband (S268b, DU)
          From: thebartend on 3/20/2002

 An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall.  After
 a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the
 first saleswoman she sees and ask, "Escusa me, have you
 senn-a me Tony.  He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of
 curly black hair?"

 The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.
 So the Italian woman goes to asks another saleswoman,
 "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a
 belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

 "No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband."  The
 Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask,
 "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony.  He's got a big-a
 belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

 The saleswoman answers, "Yes, I saw him... he ran out
 of here lickety split."

 To which the Italian woman answers, "No, no, no... that's
 not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts
 but he no lickety split!"

Top
Subj:     Italian Jew Confesses WWII Sins (S264, S610)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 2/13/2002

 An elderly Italian jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty
 conscience by talking to this rabbi.  "Rabbi, during World
 War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a
 Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am
 alive today because of it."

 "Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never
 forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the rabbi.

 "Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on
 my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans.  I hid
 her in my attic, and they never found her."

 "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need
 to feel guilty."

 "It's worse, Rabbi.  I was weak and told her she must repay
 me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."

 "You were both in great danger and would have suffered
 terribly if the ermans had found her.  There is a favorable
 balance between good and evil, and you will be judged
 kindly.  Give up your feelings of guilt."

 "Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind.  But I
 have one more question."

 "And what is that?"

 "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Top
Subj:     Exchanging Presents (S615c)
          From: thebartend on 4/12/99

 Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at
 the same time.  The Italian boy's father presents him with a
 brand-new pistol.

 On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish
 boy receives a beautiful gold watch.

 The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other
 what they got.  It turns out that each boy likes the other's
 present better, and so they trade.

 That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees
 him looking at the watch.

 "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man.  The boy
 explains that he and Sammy had traded.  The father blows his
 top.  "Whatta you?  Stupidda boy?  Whatsa matta you?  "Somma
 day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day
 you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another
 man.  Whatta you gonna do then?

 Looka atta you watch and say, "How longa you gonna be?"

Top
Subj:     Italian Chewing Gum (S460d in Condom)
          From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2005

 This is a cute, dirty Italian ad for Skin Less Skin Condoms.
 Clicking 'HERE'. to see this new use for condoms.

Top
Subj:     Two Italian Virgins Get Married (S78, S611c)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #262 on 98-07-28

 Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.
 However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once
 they get to their hotel room.

 The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice
 on what to do.  The mother says that they should sit on the
 bed together and snuggle with each other and things should
 start to happen from there.

 The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens.  He
 calls his mother back to find out what to do next.  She says
 they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in
 bed, and nature should takes its course.  The bride and groom
 take his mother's advice but still nothing.

 He calls his mother a third time.  Getting frustrated with
 the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing
 you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up
 on him.

 A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back,
 "Well, I have my nose in her armpit.  What do I do next?"

Top
Subj:     French, Italian, And American Discuss Sex With Wives (S63)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-04-16

 A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American
 on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began
 discussing their home lives.

 "Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the French-
 man bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes
 and she told me how much she adored me."

 "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
 responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet
 and told me she could never love another man."

 When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
 "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

 "Once," he replied.

 "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.  "And what did
 she say to you this morning?"

 "Don't stop."

Top
Subj:     The Italian Who Went To Malta (S320b)
          Contributed by Skanky (Dr. Dirty Jokes)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 3/11/2003

 One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel.  Ina Morning I
 go down to eat breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two
 pissis toast.  She brings me only one piss.  I tella her
 I want two piss.  She say go to the toilet.  I say you
 no understand.  I wanna to piss onna my plate.  She say
 you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.  I
 don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

 Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.  The waitress
 brings me a spoon and knife but no fock.  I tella her I
 wanna fock.  She tell me everyone wanna fock.  I tell
 her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table.  She
 say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
 I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

 So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits
 onna my bed.  Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit.
 He tell me to go to toilet.  I say you no understand.  I
 wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed,
 you sonna ma bitch.  I don't even know the man and he call
 me sonna ma bitch.

 I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace
 on you".  I say Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I
 gonna back to Italy.

Top
Subj:     Italians On A Bus (S183, S327b)
          From: agrief on 7/28/00
      and From: gheckman on 5/5/2003

 A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat
 themselves, and engage in animated conversation.  The lady
 sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first,
 but her attention is drawn when she hears one of the men
 saying:

 "Emma comma first.  Den I come.  Two asses, dey come together.
 I comma again.  Two asses, they comma together again.  I den
 pee twice.  Den I comma once more."

 "You foul-mouthed swine," retorts the lady indignantly. "In
 this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

 "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.  Imma just tellun my
 friend howa to spella 'Mississippi'."

Top
Subj:     Paolo The Carpenter (S573b)
          From: Bartender at SmartBar 1996
      and From: tom on 1/7/2008
 (Also see 'Paul McCartney Tells A Dirty Joke' a video in Italian)

 I met this Italian guy while vacationing a while back, we
 got to talking, then to drinking, and he starts to tell me
 his story.  "My name is Paolo, I am the finest of carpenters,
 but do they call me Paolo the carpenter?  NO!  I have built
 fine benches which grace the best parks in Italy, but do
 they call me Paolo the bench builder?  NO!

 I have built houses that will last generations, but do they
 call me Paolo the house builder?  NO!  But I fuck one pig
 and ...

Top
Subj:     42 Things In The Life Of An Italian Child
          From: tom on 9/1/2009 (S660b)

 If you're not Italian some of these things may seem
 a little strange.  BUT if you are, this is a nice
 reflection back to the way things used to be and
 the photos of the food made me hungry.  Click
 'HERE' to see this wonderful web page.

Top
Subj:     Fucking Nude Woman On Beach

 An Italian man was walking along a secluded beach one day,
 when he spotted a beautiful naked woman lying on the beach.
 Unable to restrain himself, he immediately jumped on her
 and proceeded to hump like a rabid rabbit.  Soon, however,
 the townspeople came out and began to beat the man, calling
 him names.  "Bastardo!"  "Perverto!"  They cried out
 desperately. "Perverto?  I am-a no perverto!" the man
 hollered back.

 The people responded, "Idiot! Can't you see this woman is-a
 DEAD!?".

 "DEAD?!", he cried. "My God, I thought she was-a English!"

Top
Subj:     Deaf And Dumb Bag Man
          From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
          (Also see 'Bounty Hunter In Mexican Bar' in Mexican
                and 'Two Brothers, One A Lawyer' in LAWYER1)

 Guido went to the Godfather one day and asked if job could
 be found for his nephew who was due to arrive from Sicily.

 "No problem," said the boss.

 "You should know ahead of time that the boy is deaf and dumb,
 though," said Guido.

 "That's okay," said the Capo, "We'll give him a job as a
 bagman and he won't need to talk."

 The boy had been working for about six months picking up
 numbers game receipts when the don called Guido into his
 office.  Obviously very angry, he said, "That little scumbag
 nephew of yours has been skimming from the collections.  I
 figure he's stolen about $500,000 by now and I want it back,
 right now!"

 Guido found his nephew downstairs, and in sign language,
 told the boy, "The Godfather is very upset with you and
 wants to see us both right away."

 Shrugging his shoulders, the boy followed his uncle to the
 boss's office.  They sat down across the desk from the boss
 and Guido signed to the lad, "The Godfather wants to know
 where the money is that you stole from him."

 The boy shrugged his shoulders as if he knew nothing about
 it.  With that, the don pulled a .357 magnum from the drawer,
 pointed it at the boy's head, and bellowed, "Tell that little
 puke he's got ten seconds to tell you where that money is or
 I'll blow his head off."

 The boy's eyes widened with terror at the sight of the gun
 and he quickly signed to his uncle, "I stashed the money
 under the basement stairs at your house."

 "Well?" the boss demanded, "What did that little ingrate
 have to say?"

 Guido replied, "He says he doesn't think you have the guts
 to pull the trigger."


Subj:     Short Italian Jokes

Top
Subj:     The Sopranos Explanation Site (S373b)
          From: pns on 3/22/2004
If you are addicted to THE SOPRANOS, but are often confused
by plot lines, here is something of interest:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4484198/
 

Top
Subj:     Fathers Must Support Adult Kids (S271)
          From: jerry on 4/10/2002
 Italy's highest appeals court has handed down a decision
 requiring that fathers must continue supporting adult
 children until the child finds a job TO THE CHILD'S LIKING!

 This came out of a lawsuit filed by a man in his 30s, with
 a law degree, who turned down several job offers and who
 felt his father should continue to support him until he
 found a really great job.

 And what said the judge?

 "You cannot blame a young person, particularly from a
 well-of family, who refuses a job that does not fit his
 aspirations.  The parents have to pay for their upkeep."

 And what says the father?

 "I feel disgust for a country that I love.  It wasn't
 always like this."

Reuters via ABC News 5-Apr-02
 

 Italian foreplay:  Elbowing his sleeping wife (S115)
 he says "Hey, yoy awake?"
 Australian foreplay: "Hey Sheila, you awake?"
 Tasmanian foreplay: "You awake, sis?"
 New Zealand foreplay: "You awake, fluffy?"

 More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship
 badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist
 flight to Mars.  According to the Italian police, the would-
 be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation
 on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted
 deserts.

 Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the
 incredible Martian sunsets.  Explore mysterious canals and
 marvel at the views.  Trips to the moon also available."

 Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made
 off with over six million dollars...

 The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an
 eye" is from Ancient Rome.  The only rule during wrestling
 matches was, "No eye gouging."  Everything else was allowed,
 but the only way to be disqualified is to poke someone's eye
 out.

 A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing
 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

 A paraphrase of Winston Churchill to J. Ribbentrop, German
 foreign minister shorthly before WWII:  "It's only fair that
 you have the Italians this time, we had them last time."

 What does the Pope say when he makes the sign of the
    cross from the balcony?
 On the down stroke "All you dagos"
 On the cross stroke "Get off the grass"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #234 on 98-03-04
 Here about those new Italian snow tires?
 Dago through rain, dago through snow,
 but when dago flat, dago wop wop wop.

From: DrRibeiro on 8/2/99 (S131B)
 Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came,
 I saw, I shopped.

 Q: How do you stop an Italian from talking?
 A: Tie his hands together...

 Q: What's the difference between an elephant and
    an old Italian woman?
 A: About 50lbs and a black dress.

 Q: Why do Italian men wear mustaches?
 A: They want to look like their mothers.

 Q: What does an old Italian woman have between her
    breasts that a young Italian woman doesn't?
 A: Her navel.

 Q: Why did the italian man trade his wife in for
    a garbage can?
 A: The hole was smaller and it smelled better!

 Q: Why do itallians have big noses ?
 A: They've got to feed big families.

 Q: Why did the itallian go to lunch with foil on his nose?
 A: To keep his lunch warm.

 Q: There's an Australian, a Negro and an Italian all in
    primary school.  Which one has the biggest dick?
 A: The Italian - cause he is 26 years old!

 Q: What is the similarity between FIAT cars and
    Italian girls ?
 A: They're small on the outside, but
    once you're inside, there's plenty of room.

 Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Italy?
 A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

 Q: Did you hear about the happy roman???
 A: Gladiator (Glad he ate her)

From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134 ? S322b)
and From: DoctorDebt on 6/1/2003
 Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
    shorter than the other?
 A: A speech impediment.

From: Robert P. on 10/12/03 (S350b)
 Q: How can you recognize an Italian Airline?
 A: All the planes have hair under their wings?

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