>>> Subj:     JEWISH-Rabbi Jokes (d3b)                  (Includes 13 jokes and articles)

Jewish Rabbi  from Ask A Rabbi.com

Also see BAR-SUPP     - 'Rabbi, Priest, And Preacher Go Into A Bar'
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Handyman Quits Synagogue'
         FARNER1 file - 'Rabbi, Hindu, And Lawyer At Farm House'
         ITALIAN file - 'Italian Jew Confesses WWII Sins'
         JEWISH1 file - 'When Life Begins'
......................- 'Sons Convert To Christianity'
         JEWISH2 file - 'Older Jewish Man Has Young Wife'
......................- 'Dog Goes To Jewish Service'
         PHONE file   - 'The Pope And Chief Rabbi Phone The Lord'
         PRIEST1 file - 'Priest And The Rabbi Hear Confession'
         PRIEST2 file - 'Men Of The Cloth Visit Whore House'
         PRIEST3 file - 'Rabbi, lawyer, ? Priest On A Ship'
......................- 'Short Priest Jokes'
         POLISH file  - 'Town's Cow Stops Giving Milk'
         TAXES file   - 'Tax Official Visits Synagogue'
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Subj:     Converting a Bear (S490)
          From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006

 A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as
 chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University
 in Marquette.  They would get together two or three times
 a week for coffee and to talk shop.

 One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
 isn't really all that hard.  A real challenge would be to
 preach to a bear.  One thing led to another and they decided
 to do an experiment.  They would all go out into the woods,
 find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

 Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
 experience.

 Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches,
 and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I
 went into the woods to find me a bear.  And when I found him
 I began to read to him from the Catechism.  Well, that bear
 wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around, so
 I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy
 Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb!  The bishop
 is coming out next week to give him first communion and
 confirmation."

 Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with
 an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.  In his best
 fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you
 KNOW that we don't sprinkle!  I went out and I FOUND me a
 bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
 WORD!

 But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took HOLD
 of him and we began to wrestle.  We wre stled down one hill,
 UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.  So I
 quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.

 And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
 spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

 They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
 hospital bed.  He was in a body cast and traction with IV's
 and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

 The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision
 may not have been the best way to start."

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Subj:     Synagogue Parking Problem (S414)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 12/28/2004

 A few years ago, there was a news story on the radio about a
 Jewish synagogue that had a problem with the Baptists down
 the street.  Some Jews were unable to find a parking space
 in their own parking lot because members of a nearby Baptist
 church, which met earlier on Saturday morning for revival
 meetings, got there first.

 So, the Jewish synagogue had a problem. What should they do???
 Now they could have towed the Baptist's cars away.  Or they
 could have patrolled their lot on Saturday mornings.  Or they
 could have written a letter to the offending church members,
 imploring them to park elsewhere, but they didn't.  Instead,
 they had bumper stickers printed.

 One Saturday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car
 in their lot -- Baptist and Jewish alike. The sticker read:
 "I'M PROUD TO BE JEWISH !!!"

 No more parking lot problems!

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Subj:     Man Tells Rabbi 'He's being poisoned' (S351)
          From: pns on 10/18/2003

 A man goes to see the Rabbi.  "Rabbi, something terrible is
 happening and I have to talk to you about it."  The Rabbi
 asked, "What's wrong?"

 The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."  The Rabbi, very
 surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

 The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
 poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers,
 "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can
 find out and I'll let you know."

 A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I
 spoke to your wife.  I spoke to her on the phone for three
 hours.  You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi
 replied, "Take the poison."

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Subj:     Sex...Work Or Play? (S294)
          From: thebartend on 9/17/2002

 A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
 he is not sure if sex is work or play.  So he goes to a
 priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

 After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after
 an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
 therefore not permitted on Sundays."

 The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"  So he
 goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and
 experienced in this matter.  He queries the minister and
 receives the same reply.  "Sex is work and therefore not
 for the Sabbath!"

 Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of
 thousands of year's tradition and knowledge.  The Rabbi
 ponders the question, then states," My son, sex is
 definitely play."

 The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so
 many others tell me sex is work?"

 The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my
 wife would have the maid do it."

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Subj:     Priest And Rabbi Buy A CAR (S185)
          From: RateJoke on 08/15/2000

 A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across
 the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined,
 they decided to go in together to buy a car.

 After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the
 street between them.

 A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest
 sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so
 he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm
 blessing it," the priest replied.

 The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the
 synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked
 over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the
 tailpipe.

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Subj:     Four Rabbis Argue (S94)
          From: RFSlick on 98-09-22

 So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
 arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
 One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority
 rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
 to appeal to a higher authority.

 "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and
 they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

 It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished
 his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.
 It rumbled once and dissolved.  "A sign from God!  See, I'm
 right, I knew it!"  But the other three disagreed, pointing
 out that storm clouds form on hot days.

 So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to
 show that I am right and they are wrong.  So please, God, a
 bigger sign!"  This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed
 toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of
 lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

 "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends
 insisted that nothing had happened that could not be
 explained by natural causes.

 The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign,
 but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch
 black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned,
 "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

 The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other
 three, and said, "Well?"

 "So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

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Subj:     Priest, Rabbi, Witchdoctor And A Fly
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #266 on 98-08-15

 A Priest a Rabbi and a Witchdoctor are sitting together on
 a train.  A fly comes and lands on the priest who waves his
 arms and shoos it away.  So, the fly lands on the Rabbi who
 shoos it toward the Witchdoctor.  The Witchdoctor follows
 it with his eyes for a moment and suddenly reaches out grabs
 the fly in his fist and eats it.  The other two look on with
 disgust but say nothing.

 When another fly comes near the priest he again shoos it
 away.  Once again the fly comes to the Rabbi, who with one
 quick motion reaches into the air, turns to the witchdoctor
 and says, "Want to buy a fly?"

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Subj:     Priest, Vicar And Rabbi Discuss The Offering
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/11/98

 There's a priest, a vicar and a rabbi having a beer
 discussing how they decide how much of the weekly service
 collection to keep.  So, says the priest, I draw a circle
 on the floor throw the collection in the air, anyting that
 lands in the circle I keep, the rest I give to God.

 The vicar says I do the same thing but I draw a square.
 They both turn to the rabbi.  Me, I draw a star of David
 on the floor throw the money up, what He catches He keeps.

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Subj:     Rabbi And Priest Have Car Accident

 A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a
 bad one.  Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly,
 neither are hurt.  They crawl out of their cars and the
 rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest.
 I'm a rabbi.  Just look at our cars.  There's nothing left
 but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God."

 God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and
 live together in peace the rest of our days."  And the
 priest said, "I agree with you completely.  This must be a
 sign from God.  And the rabbi said, "and look at this.  Here
 is another miracle.  My car is completely demolished but
 this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break, surely God
 wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
 He handed the bottle to the priest.  The priest said he
 agreed, took a few big swigs, and handed the bottle back to
 the rabbi.  The rabbi took the bottle, didn't drink at all,
 put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest.

 The priest asked, "Aren't you going to have any?"

 The rabbi replied, "No....I think I'll just wait for the
 police."

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Subj:     Priest And Rabbi On A Train (S231b)
          From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97
      and From: mombear1 on 7/2/2001

 An Irish priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a
 compartment on a train.  After a while, the priest opened
 a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion,
 you're not supposed to eat pork...  Have you actually ever
 tasted it? "

 The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth.  Yes, I have, on
 the odd occasion."

 The rabbi had his turn of interrogation.  He asked, "Your
 religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate.
 But...."

 The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask.
 I have succumbed once or twice."

 There was silence for a while. The rabbi peeped around the
 newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't
 it?"

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Subj:     Short Rabbi Jokes

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #178 (S277b)
and From: ezines.twistedhumor.com on 5/20/2002
 A priest and a rabbi are walking down a street when they
 see  a small boy eating an ice cream.

 The priest says to the rabbi "Hey, want to screw that kid?"

 To which the rabbi replied, "Out of what?"
 

From: GSP4LIFE on 10/25/1999 (S143)
 A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.
 The bartender looks at them and asks, "What's this? A joke?"

From: JBCARY1 on 7/16/2002 (S285b)
 Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
 He walks around saying "Yo."

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Another Jewish Smiley from Smiley_Central

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