Subj:     Jewish2 Jokes (d3b)                  (Includes 16 jokes and articles)

Torah  from Animation Library

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Subj:     Two Jewish Women Discuss Herpes (S318)
          From: thebartend on 2/18/2003

 Two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) were walking along the
 street.  Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally
 getting married.  He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful
 girl, but ...he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."

 Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes
 is, and can he catch it?"

 Ruth answers, "I don't know, but I am just so thrilled to
 hear about Irving's engagement.  It's past time he's settled.
 As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"

 "Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary
 at home-- I'll look it up and call you."

 So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth..., "Ruth,
 keinahurra (thank goodness!), I found it.  Not to worry!
 It says: Herpes is a disease of the gentiles.' "

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Subj:     Archaelogical Dig In Israel (S309)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 12/28/2002

 A team of archaeologists excavating in Israel came upon a
 cave.  Written across the cave wall were the following
 symbols, in this order of appearance from left to right:
 A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

 It was considered a unique find, and the writings were said
 to be at least three thousand years old.  The piece of stone
 was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from
 around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

 They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to
 discuss the meaning of the markings.

 The president of the society summarized findings and pointed
 at the first symbol. "This looks like a woman. We can judge
 that this race was family oriented and held women in high
 esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next
 symbol resembles a donkey; so, they were smart enough to
 have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks
 like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools
 to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence
 is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth
 and food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.
 The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which
 means they were evidently Hebrews."

 The audience applauded enthusiastically.

 Finally, a wizened little old man stood up in the back of
 the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to
 left. It says, 'Holy mackerel! Dig the ass on that woman!'

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Subj:     Old Jewish Yarn Merchant (S303)
          From: dogbyte on 11/20/2002

 Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant.  He
 lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.

 One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey
 Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn.  The length
 must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your
 penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."

 Abe says, "OK."

 The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by
 the sound of running engines.  He runs outside to see
 a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping
 truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front
 yard.  Soon ,his yard is a 5-feet deep sea in orange
 yarn.  Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the
 anti-Semite.

 The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe.  "What
 is this, Jew?  This is not what I asked for!  I told
 you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose
 to the tip of your penis. Look at this place!  What
 do you have to say for yourself?"

 Straightfaced, Abe replies "I'm very careful when I
 deal with people like you, that's why I got a few
 witnesses here with me.  I may be off by a few miles,
 so I gave you a 2% discount; but... the tip of my
 penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!"

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Subj:     Old Jew Helps Wagon Train (S264b)
          From: RFSlick on 2/16/2002

 A long time ago when America was being settled, a group of
 people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast.
 The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the
 people realized they were hopelessly lost.  After wandering
 for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and
 winter was fast approaching.

 As the group came over a hill they saw the first person
 they had seen for days; an old Jewish man, a Litvak yet,
 sitting beneath a tree.  The leader of the wagon train
 approached the man.

 "Can you help us?  We're heading west but we're lost and
 all our food is gone.  We're starving."

 The old man replied, "Vell you know, I can see the future...
 Vait.. I'm getting a vision now."  He held one hand to his
 brow and closed his eyes in concentration.  "It's coming.
 Oh yah, I see, I see....I know vut you gotado.  Go up dis
 here hill und down other side.  Go through forest und
 across the stream.  Den go up next hill und down to dat
 valley below.  There you vill find ah bacon tree."

 "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

 "YA, ah bacon tree.  Trust me.. for nuttin vud I lie.  I
 can see the future."

 The wagon train leader shrugged and headed off.  The group
 followed the strange old man's directions exactly.  They
 went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest,
 across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley
 below.

 Nothing.  Zip.  Zilch.  Not a damned thing and especially
 not a bacon tree.  All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came
 Indians from all sides.  It was a massacre.  All but one
 man was killed, even he was seriously wounded.

 He crawled up the hill, crawled across the stream, crawled
 through the forest, crawled up the hill and crawled down
 into the valley.  There, under the tree was that same old
 Jewish man, having a glass of tea, right where they had
 left him.

 The injured man crawled up to him and started shouting....
 "What were you thinking?  You sent us all to our deaths!
 We followed your instructions to the letter!  We went up
 the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across
 the stream, up the next hill and down the valley below.
 NO BACON TREE!  Just Indians, thousands of Indians!  And
 the rest of my group? THEY'RE ALL DEAD! "

 The man held up his hand and said "Oye, vait a minute,
 vait a minute... I'm getting anudder vision.... Oyeeee.
 Ooooh. NOW I get it....G'VALT, I make ah big mistake...
 It vuz not a bacon tree...It vuz a ham bush!"
 

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Subj:     Two Jewish Widows Discuss A Date (S240)
          From: RFSlick on 9/5/2001

 Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

 Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date.
        I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted
        to talk with you about him before I give him my
        answer."
 Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you.  He shows up at my apartment
        punctual like a clock.  An like such a mensch he is
        dressed.  Fine suit, wonderful lining.  And he brings
        me such beautiful flowers you could die from.  Then,
        he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a
        beautiful car... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur
        and all.  Then he takes me out for a dinner...

        Marvelous dinner.  Lobster even.  Den ve go see a
        show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much
        I could just die from pleasure!  So then we are
        coming back to my apartment, and into an animal he
        turns.  Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive
        new dress and has his way with me two times!"
 Sadie: "Oy!  Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go
        out with him?"
 Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old
        dress."

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Subj:     Israeli Stud And The Blonde (S230)
          From: pns on 6/24/2001

 This Israeli stud is out picking up chicks in Tel Aviv one
 night.  While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract a
 blonde hottie.

 So they're back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it.
 Proud of his rugged background and years in the IDF, he
 forces himself to last as long as possible.  He climaxes
 loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks
 her, "So .... you finish?"

 After a slight pause she replies, "No."

 Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls
 back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this
 time lasting even longer than the last... and this time
 completing the deed with even louder shouts.  Again he
 rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So .... you
 finish?"

 And again, after a short pause, she simply says, "No."

 Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride,
 he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his
 companion du jour.  This time, with all the strength he
 can muster, he barely manages to end the task, but he
 does, after quite some time and energy are spent.  Barely
 able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ...
 lights it again, and then asks, "So ... you finish?"

 To which her pleasured reply is, "No. I'm Swedish."

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Subj:     Samurai Contest (S207)
          From: pns on 1/20/2001

 Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor
 who needed a new head Samurai, so he sent out a declaration
 throughout the country he was searching for one.

 A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai,
 a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.  The emperor asked the
 Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be
 head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out
 popped a bumblebee.  Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee
 dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed:
 "That is impressive!"

 The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and
 demonstrate his skills. The Chinese Samurai also opened match
 box, and out buzzed a fly.  Whoosh, Whoosh! went his sword,
 and the fly dropped dead on the ground in 4 small pieces.  The
 emperor exclaimed: "That is really VERY impressive!"

 The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he
 should be the head Samurai.  The Jewish Samurai also opened a
 match box and out flew a gnat.  His flashing sword went
 Whooooosh! Whooooosh!  But the gnat was still alive and flying
 around.  The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After
 all of that, why is the gnat not dead?"

 The Jewish Samurai smiled. "Well," he replied, "circumcision
 is not meant to kill."

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Subj:     Jewish Couple Get A Divorce (S446)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/16/2005

 A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings
 of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed
 and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and
 says, "Now I have to arrange for a Get."

 The judge inquires what she means by a Get.

 So, the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony
 required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a
 divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

 The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?"

 She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get
 rid of the entire Prick!"

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Subj:     Jewish Man Divorces Wife Of 54 Years (S192)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/4/00
          (See 'Divorce On Thanksgiving' in THANKSGIVING)

 Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something
 to tell you.  However, I don't want to discuss it.  I'm merely
 telling you because you're  my oldest child, and I thought you
 ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

 The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what
 happened.

 "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

 "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that
 after 54 years together. What happened?"

 "It's too painful to talk about it.  I only called because
 you're my son, and I thought you should know.  I really
 don't want to get into it anymore than this.  You can call
 your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

 "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

 "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it.  I
 haven't told her yet.  Believe me it hasn't been easy.  I've
 agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to
 a decision.  I have an appointment with the lawyer the day
 after tomorrow."

 "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first
 flight down.  Promise me that you won't do anything until
 I get there."

 "Well, all right, I promise.  Next week is Yom Kippur.
 I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after then.  Call
 your sister in MA and break the news to her.  I just can't
 bear to talk about it anymore."

 A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter
 who tells him that she and her brother were able to get
 tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in
 Florida the day after tomorrow.

 "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the
 telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until
 we both get there."

 Morris promises.  After hanging up from his daughter, Morris
 turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but
 we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them
 here for Passover!"

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Subj:     Older Jewish Man Has Young Wife (S190, S526b)
          From: JBCARY1 on 9/23/00
      and From: darrell94590 on 2/14/2007

 An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they
 are very much in love.  However, no matter what the husband
 does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.  Since a
 Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to
 ask the rabbi.  The rabbi listens to their story, strokes
 his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a
 strapping young man.  While the two of you are making love,
 have the young man wave a towel over you.  That will help
 the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

 They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.  They hire a
 handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they
 make love.; But it doesn't; help and she is still unsatisfied.
 Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

 "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed.  Have the
 young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over
 them."  Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.  The young
 man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the
 towel The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the
 wife  soon has a room-shaking orgasm.

 The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
 triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

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Subj:     Man Thinks Wife Is Poisoning Him (S175)
          From: thebartend on 6/6/00

 Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
 happening and I have to talk to you about it."

 The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

 The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
 The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

 The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
 poisoning me, what should I do?"

 The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,
 I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

 A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I
 spoke to your wife.  I spoke to her on the phone for three
 hours. You want my advice?"

 The man anxiously says, "Yes."

 "Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

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Subj:     Jewish Parrot
          From: icohen on 8/24/99

 Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy
 Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen
 into his life when he passed a pet store and heard a
 squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus
 macht du...yeah, you...outside, standing like a schmuck...
 eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears.  He couldn't believe
 it!  He stood in front of an African Grey parrot that
 cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin

 Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner.  "The
 parrot speaks Yiddish?"

 "What did you expect? Chinese maybe?"

 In a matter of moments, Meyer paid five hundred dollars and
 carried the parrot in his cage away with him.  All night he
 talked with the parrot in Yiddish.  He told the parrot about
 his father's adventures coming to America.  About how
 beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride.  About
 his family.  About his years of working in the garment center.
 About Florida.  The parrot listened and commented.

 They shared some walnuts.  The parrot told him of living in
 the pet store, how he hated the weekends.  They both went to
 sleep.

 Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers.  The parrot
 demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained,
 the parrot wanted to pray too.  Meyer went out and hand-made
 a miniature yamulke for the parrot.  The parrot wanted to
 learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting
 and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah.  In time, Meyer
 came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
 He was lonely no more.

 One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and
 was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him.
 Meyer explained that a synagogue was not place for a bird but
 the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to the
 synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.

 Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was
 questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi.  At first, he
 refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy
 Days but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time,
 swearing that parrot could pray.  Wagers were made with
 Meyer.  Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the
 parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

 All eyes were on the African Grey during services.

 The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song
 passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird.  He began to
 become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under
 his breath, "Pray already!"

 The parrot said nothing.

 "Pray...parrot, you can pray, so pray...come on, everybody's
 looking at you!"

 The parrot said nothing.

 After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that
 he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand
 dollars.  He marched home, mad beyond words, saying nothing.
 Finally, several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing
 an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.  Meyer stopped
 and looked at him.

 "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars.
 Why?

 After I taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read
 Hebrew and the Torah.  And after you begged me to bring you to
 a synagogue on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"

 "Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds
 on Yom Kippur!"

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Subj:     Converting To Judaism, Dancing & Marraige (S131B)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 8/1/99

 A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with
 the orthodox rabbi for their final session.  The rabbi asks
 if they have any final questions.

 The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance
 together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi. "For modesty reasons, men and women
 dance separately."

 "So I can't dance with my own wife?"

 "No."

 "Well, what about sex?" asks the man.

 "Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"

 "What about different positions?" the man asks.

 "No problem," says the rabbi.

 "Woman on top?" the man asks.

 "Why not?" replies the rabbi.

 "How about doggie-style?"

 "Of course!"

 "Well, what about standing up?"

 "NO!" says the rabbi....

 "Why Not?" asks the man.

 "Could lead to dancing!"

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Subj:     Jewish Sex Drive
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #213 on 98-09-10

 An elderly Jewish couple came into the doctor's office.  When
 the doctor came into the exam room and asked what he could do
 for them, the elderly man said, "We want as you should watch
 us have sex."  At which point the two disrobed, got up on the
 exam table and proceeded to have sex.  They finished, put on
 their clothes and walked out of the office before the doctor
 could even collect his thoughts.

 A week later the same couple came back to the doctor's office.
 When the doctor came into the exam room, he asked what they
 needed.  The man said, "We want as you should watch us have
 sex." They again stripped, had wild sex, finished and put
 their clothes on. Before the doctor could say anything they
 left the office.

 A week later the doctor came into the same exam room to find
 the same elderly Jewish couple.  He said, "I need to know
 something.  This is the third week you've come to this
 office.  You ask me to watch you have sex, then before I can
 say anything, you leave the office.  Just what am I supposed
 to be doing?"

 The Jewish man said, "You see, we are both married, but not
 to each other.  Holiday Inn charges $100 for a room.  The
 office fee is $35 and Medicare pays for that."

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Subj:     Jewish Man Goes Out To Lunch Each Day (S70)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #137 on 98-06-03

 An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch.  He
 always orders the soup du jour.  One day the manager asks
 him how he liked his meal. The old man replies (with Yiddish
 accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

 So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him
 four slices of bread.  "How was your meal, sir?" the manager
 asks.  "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread,"
 comes the reply.

 So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him
 eight slices of bread.  "How was your meal today, sir?" the
 manager asks.  "Wass goot, but you could give a little more
 bread," comes the reply.

 So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give
 him a whole loaf of bread with his soup.  "How was your meal,
 sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay.  "Wass goot,
 but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply
 once again.

 The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say
 that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery,
 and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread.  When the man
 comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager
 cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half,
 and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of
 soup.  The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of
 soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

 The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking
 for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the
 manager asks in the usual way:  "How was your meal TODAY,
 sir?"

 The old Jew replies:  "It wass goot as usual, but I see you
 are back to giving only two slices of bread!"

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Subj:     Dog goes to Jewish Service (S65 & 348b)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #100 on 98-04-22
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 9/13/2003

 While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed
 a member of the congregation,  Bernie, walk in with a St.
 Bernard dog.  The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to
 continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.

 Rabbi: "What are you doing here with a dog?"

 Bernie:  "The dog came here to pray."

 "Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.

 "YES!" says Bernie.

 Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around;
 that's not a proper thing to do in temple."

 Bernie: "Its true!"..

 "Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff),
 "then show me what the dog can do."

 "OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to
 open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a
 tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually
 starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he
 listens for a full 15 minutes.

 When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed
 with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think
 your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"

 Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO
 HIM!  He wants to be a doctor!"

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A young Jewish Smiley from Smiley_Central

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