(Includes 26 jokes and articles)
Poland flag from
Animation Factory
| Subj:
Polish and East European Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 26 jokes and articles) |
|
Poland flag from Animation Factory |
Also see CLOTHING file- 'Three
Guys Get Army Uniforms'
COMPUTERS4 - 'Polish
Virus'
BEARS file - 'Two
Foreign Scientists Study Grizzlys'
DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Polish
Man Killed'
DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Hungarian
Railroad Accident'
DATING1 file - 'Picking
Up Girls With Potatoes'
DOCTORS1 file- 'Two
Bosnian Doctors'
DOGS3 file - 'Polish
Proverb'
ENGLISH-SUPP - 'Bush
Deploys Vowels To Bosnia'
FACTS4 file - 'Polish
Dating Agency'
......................-
'Anton's
Polish Nose'
FOOTBALL file- 'Al
Davis Finds A Quarterback'
MATH2 file - 'Polish
Scientists Steal A Plane'
OTHER-NATNLTS- 'How
Yodeling Was Invented'
OTHER_SPORTS - 'Romanian
Football Moat'
PHONE file - 'Romanian
Phone Sex'
PLANE2 file - 'Polish
Terrorist'
POPE file - 'American
Has Audience With Pope'
PREGNANT file- 'Couple
Couldn't Have Baby'
TESTS1 file - 'The
Polish Intelligence Test'
WEDDING file - 'The
Groom Who Drooled'
=============================================================Top
| Subj:
Strength In Poland (S579b in Other-Sports)
From: ginafm on 2/25/2008 |
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Subj: Polack
Wants A Divorce (S367b, S545c)
From: Imogenelumen on 2/3/2004
and
From: darrell94590 on 6/24/2007
(Also see 'Farmer
Wants A Divorce' in FARMER1)
A Polish man married a Canadian
girl after he had been in
Canada a year or so and, although
his English was far from
perfect, they got on very well.
Until one day he rushed
into a lawyer's office and asked
him if he could arrange a
divorce for him-"very quick".
The lawyer said that the speed
of getting a divorce would
depend on the circumstances
and asked him the following
questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?
POLE: JA, JA, an
acre and half and a nice little home
with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Pole: "It is made of concrete,
brick and mortar," he
responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied,
"We have a two-car carport and
have never really needed one."
LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi
fidelity stereo set ?DVD player
with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the
music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to
poison me.She buy a bottle at the
drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can
read - it says, "Polish Remover".
\\\//
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Subj: Pro
USA Editorial f/Romanian Newspaper (S354b, DU)
From: Imogenelumen on 11/8/2003
We rarely get a chance to see
another country's editorial
about the USA. Read this
excerpt from a Romanian Newspaper
The article was written by Mr.
Cornel Nistorescu and
published under the title "C"ntarea
Americii meaning
"Ode To America") on September
24, 2002 in the Romanian
newspaper Evenimentulzilei ("The
Daily Event" or "News of
the Day")
"An Ode to America"
Why are Americans so united?
They would not resemble one
another even if you painted
them all one color! They speak
all the languages of the world
and form an astonishing
mixture of civilizations and
religious beliefs. Still, the
American tragedy turned three
hundred million people into a
hand put on the heart.
Nobody rushed to accuse the White
House, the army, and the secret
services that they are only
a bunch of losers. Nobody
rushed to empty their bank
accounts. Nobody rushed
out onto the streets nearby to gape
about. The Americans volunteered
to donate blood and to
give a helping hand.
After the first moments of panic,
they raised their flag
over the smoking ruins, putting
on T-shirts, caps and ties
in the colors of the national
flag. They placed flags on
buildings and cars as if in
every place and on every car
a government official or the
president was passing.
On every occasion, they started
singing their traditional
song: "God Bless America!"
I watched the live broadcast
and rerun after rerun for hours
listening to the story of
the guy who went down one hundred
floors with a woman in
a wheelchair without knowing
who she was, or of the
Californian hockey player, who
gave his life fighting
with the terrorists and prevented
the plane from hitting
a target that could have killed
other hundreds or thousands
of people.
How on earth were they able to
respond united as one human
being? Imperceptibly,
with every word and musical note,
the memory of some turned into
a modern myth of tragic
heroes. And with every
phone call, millions and millions
of dollars were put in a collection
aimed at rewarding not
a man or a family, but a spirit,
which no money can buy.
What on earth can unite the Americans
in such a way? Their
land? Their galloping
history? Their economic Power?
Money? I tried for hours
to find an answer, humming songs
and murmuring phrases with the
risk of sounding commonplace.
I thought things over, but I
reached only one conclusion...
Only freedom can work such miracles.
True story as checked by Snope.com
http://www.snopes.com/rumors/romania.htm
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Subj: Man
Wants To Buy Polish Sausage (S333, S581b)
From: Grampsboyd on 5/28/2003
and
From: gordonschuk on 3/2/2008
A guy goes into a store and tells
the clerk, "I'd like
some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says,
"Well, yes I am. But
let me ask you something "If
I had asked for Italian
sausage would you ask me if
I was Italian? Or if I
had asked for German bratwurst,
would you ask me if I
was German? Or if I asked
for a kosher hot dog would
you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a
taco would you ask if I was
Mexican? Would ya, huh?
Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation,
the guy says,
"Well, all right then, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish
just because I ask for Polish
sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
Rosie and I often buy Polish
hot dogs at Costco. There
is a hot hamburger stand at
Home Depot. I'm going to
check it out.
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Subj: Irish,
Italian And Polish Discuss Best Bar (S139, S531b)
From: thebartend on 09/28/1999
and
From: darrell94590 on 3/21/2007
An Irishman, an Italian, and
a Polish guy are in a bar.
They are having a good time
and all agree that the bar
is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye,
this is a nice bar, but
where I come from, back in Dublin,
there's a better one.
At MacDougal's, you buy a drink,
you buy another drink,
and MacDougal himself will buy
your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah,
that's a nice bar, but
where I come from, there's a
better one. Over in Brooklyn,
there's this place, Vinny's.
At Vinny's, you buy a drink,
Vinny buys you a drink.
You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys
you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You
think that's great? Where
I come from, there's this
place called Warshowski's. At
Warshowski's, they buy you your
first drink, they buy you
your second drink, they buy
you your third drink, and then,
they take you in the back and
get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two.
"That's fantastic! Did that
actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
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Subj: Terrible
Disaster (S62, S583c)
From: mbucher on 98-04-02
From: RFSlick on 99-02-17
Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred
today when a small two-
seater Cessna 152 plane crashed
into a cemetery early this
afternoon in central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers
have recovered 326 bodies
so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues
into the evening.
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Subj: Mexican,
English, And Polack Eat Lunch (DU)
From: DR SWITZER on 98-02-24
There were three construction
workers, one was Mexican, one
was English, and the other was
Polish. They were on the
high scaffolding of the building
they were building, and
they were eating lunch.
The Mexican looked in his lunch,
and said, "A taco, if I
get a taco one more time I'm
going to jump off this
building!"
The English guy looked in his
lunch, and said, "Crumpets,
if I get crumpets one more time
I'm going to jump off this
building!"
Then the Polish guy looked in
his lunch and said, "Polish
sausage, if I get this sausage
one more time I'm going to
jump off of this building!"
The next day they all got the
same lunch, and they all
jumped off the building, and
died. At the funeral the
Mexican's wife said, "If he
would have told me he didn't
want tacos I would have made
him something different."
Then the English guy's wife said,
"If he would have told
me he didn't want crumpets I
would have made him something
else."
Then the Polish guy's wife said,
"I don't understand, he
made his own lunch."
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Subj: German,
American, And A Pollack Sentenced To Guillotine (S583b)
Once upon a time there was a
German, American and Pollack.
All three had been overseas
to some third world country.
While at this third world country,
they all had managed to
be suspects for the murder of
one of the high government
officials of this dreaded land.
The community had gotten
together to decide what should
be done to have justice
served.
They ran into a problem, however.
No one could decide who
the guilty man was. From
the back of the room where the
community meeting was held,
a voice cried out. It said
"guillotine 'em all!"
This was the decision agreed upon
by all. This judgement
was to be carried out the following
morning. When morning
came they were all informed that
they would each get a last request.
Each man was led
through the town square to be
decapitated.
The German was to be first.
He was asked if he had a last
request. The German responded
"Yes, would you please see
to it that my wife is taken
care of?" He was told that
this would happen and was lowered
under the mighty blade.
The lever was released and the
blade fell short of reaching
his head by about 2 inches.
The people of the land decided
that this was an act of God
saying that he was not guilty,
so they lethim go free.
Next up was the American.
He was asked if he had a last
request. The American
responded "Yes, may I please smoke
just one last cigarette?"
The answer was yes and was
allowed to light up. After he
was finished he was lowered
under the mighty blade.
The lever was released and the
blade fell short of reaching
his head by about 2 inches.
The people of the land decided
that this was an act of God
saying that he was not guilty,
so they let him go free.
Finally the pollack was to meet
his death under the mighty
blade and was asked if he had
a last request. The pollack
stood there for about two minutes
with a dumbfounded look
on his face trying to think
of a last request. Then his
eyes lit up and said yes.
He responded by saying "Look,
there is a kink in the chain!"
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Subj: Irishman
And Polack Out Hunting (S583)
An Irishman and Polack were out
hunting. From yonder
thicket emerges a fine looking
Irish lass. Taken aback,
the Irishman and Polack are
momentarily nonplussed.
However, quickly recovering his aplomb, the Irishman speaks:
He: Hey lass, are you game?
She: (with a wink) Aye!...
And with that, the Polack shot her.
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Subj: Telling
Polish Jokes In A Bar (S179, S583c)
From: collins2 on 7/3/00
A few nights ago a few friends
and I were in a bar, telling
all the polish jokes we knew;
boy what a feast! Anyway, I
ducked into the restroom .
While I was in there, this big
guy came in and said to me,
"Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't
like you telling all those Polish
jokes!" So I said, "Well,
they're not against you, pal,
just against anyone in Poland."
"My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor.
Boy was I scared! I was sure
he would have killed me if he
had found a place to plug it
in!
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Subj: Polack
Bar Joke (S241b, S474b)
From: thebartend on 9/14/2001
and
From: Darrell Ellis 2/16/2005
A little guy was sitting next
to a big guy in a bar and
said, "Hey, wanna hear a good
Polack joke?" The big
guy frowned and answered, "I
just happened to be Polish.
You see those 2 big guys at
the end of the bar? Polish.
That mean looking S.O.B. bartender,
he's Polish too. Do
you still want to tell your
Polish joke?"
The little guy looked around and said, "Nope."
"What's the matter?" asked the
big guy. "Are you afraid
that we'll beat the crap out
of you?"
The little guy looked up at him
and said, "No, I just don't
want to have to explain the
punch line four times."
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Subj: British,
American, And Pollack In Burning Building (DU)
From: RBishop707 on 97-11-03
A 10-story building was burning.
Three people found their
way to the roof top in order
to be rescued. One fellow was
British, the second American,
and the third was a Pollack.
The fire department had arrived
and set up a net at the base
of the building. They
motioned the British man to jump. As
the British chap was just about
to hit the net, the firemen
pulled the net away; splat.
The firemen then motioned the
American to jump. Again, as
the American was about to hit
the net, the firemen pulled
the net away; splat.
The firemen then motioned for
the Pollack to jump. "No way!",
he said. "I saw what you
did to my two buddies. I'll jump
under one condition. Lay
the net down on the ground and
back off.
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Subj: Town's
Cow Stops Giving Milk (S85, 440)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #211 on 97-11-23
and
From: JOELFALLON on 98-09-15
A little town in Poland had only
one cow and it stopped
giving milk. The townspeople
did a little research and
discovered they could get a
cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles
but they could get a cow from
Minsk for only 1000 rubles.
So they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow, gave lots
of milk and lots of cream and
everybody loved this cow.
The people decided they would
mate the cow and get more cows
and then they would never
have to worry about their milk
supply again. So they got a
bull and led the cow and the
bull into the pasture. When
the bull came in from the right
to mount the cow, the cow
moved to the left. When
the bull moved in to mount the cow
from the left, the cow moved
to the right. This went on all
day.
Finally, in desperation, the
people decided to go ask the
Rabbi what to do. After
all he was very wise. They told
him the story. "Rabbi, we've
tried all day to mate our cow.
When the bull moves in from
the right the cow moves left
and when the bull moves in from
the left the cow moves to
the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and
said, "Ok, why did you buy
this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi," they said, "you are
so wise. We never said we
bought the cow from Minsk.
How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #214 on 97-12-04
"The little town has a very
specific name. It is the
town of Chelm. Just as
Americans make fun of Poles (or
Italians), the Canadians make
fun of Newfies, the French
make fun of Belgiques, and so
on, the Jews have always made
fun of the residents of the
town of Chelm. They are
usually ironically refered to
as "the wise men of Chelm"
and the stories usually involve
some sort of amazing (or
brillliant) insight that is
immediately misapplied. This
is a classic Chelm story."
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Subj: Short
Polish Jokes
 |
Subj:
Polish Barbershop (S581c in Barbershop)
From: tom on 3/6/2008 |
| Subj:
Pole Wakes Up From 19-Year Coma (S549c)
From: LABLaughsClean (in Hospital1) on 7/23/2007 |
 |
Photo from
ThatsWeird.net |
Top
Subj: Ukraine
Politician Walks Dog (S294)
From: jerry on 9/17/2002
An Eastern Ukraine politician,
out for a walk with his
dog, got into an altercation
with some people and so he
hung back and tossed a grenade
at them.
But dogs will be dogs and his
dog was thinking "fetch"
and so ran over, grabbed the
grenade, and happily returned
it to our award winner.
Unfortunately the dog died as
well when the grenade went off.
Sounds like a familiar urban
legend but the newspaper
traces it back to a local TV
news report.
Gazeta (Russia) 1-Aug-02
Top
Subj: Czechoslovakian
Elections (S280)
From: jerryon 6/10/2002
Czech voters, soon to vote in
general elections, are being
wooed by the Christian Democrats
on one side, who are
handing out free shots of plum
brandy to gain attention,
and by the Communist party on
the other side who are using
five topless women to hand out
campaign literature.
The communists have a slight lead.
Reuters via Stuff.co.nz (New
Zealand) (11-Jun-02)
Top
Subj: Polish
Terrorist (S250)
From: pns on 11/15/2001
In an apparent copycat terrorist
act, a Polish terrorist
named Stanley Bin Ladinsky hijacked
a Goodyear Blimp.
So far, he has bounced off 5
buildings.
Top
Subj: Man
Buys Polish Sausage (S127, DU)
From: FrankRoesc on 7/1/99
A Guy goes into the store and
asks the clerk, "I'd like
some Polish Sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says,
"Are you polish?" The
guy says, "Well, yes I am.
If I had asked for Italian
sausage would you ask me if
I was Italian? Or if I had
asked for German sausage, would
you ask me if I was
German? Or if I had asked
for a taco would you ask if
I was Mexican?"
The clerk says "Well, no."
The guys says, "WELL, why do
you ask me if I'm Polish
just because I ask for Polish
sausage????"
The clerk says "Because this
is a hardware store."
Top
Subj: Czechoslovakian
Has Eye Test (S486, DU)
From: Tom_Adams on 99-02-10
A Czechoslovakian man felt his
eyesight was growing
steadily worse, and felt it
was time to go see an
optometrist. The doctor
started with some simple
testing, and showed him a standard
eye chart with
letters of diminishing size:
CRKBNWXSKZY
'Can you read this?' the doctor asked.
'Read it?' the Czech answered.
'Doc, I know him!'
A blonde was telling a priest
a Pollock joke, when
halfway through the priest interrupts
her, "Don't
you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes,
"do you want me to
start over and talk slower?"
Q: What's the difference between
a hockey player
and Polish woman?
A: At least the hockey player
changes his pads
after 3 periods.
Q: Do you know why the new football
stadium
they built in Warsaw
could not be used?
A: No matter where you sat,
you were behind a Pole.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-10
Q: Did you hear about the Polish
gay guy?
A: He sleeps with women.
From: humorlist-digest V3 #25 on 99-01-27
Q: What does a Polish woman
do after she sucks a cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.
From: Robert P. on 10/12/03 (S350b)
Q: What do you call a Pole with
1500 girlfriends?
A: A shepherd.
Q: How do you break a Pole's
finger?
A: Hit him in the nose.
Q: Why do they play on artificial
turf in Poland?
A: To keep the cheerleaders
from grazing.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish
Lesbian?
A: She loved men.
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 |
Smiley wears a beret from
Animated Gif Archive |