(Includes 22 jokes and articles)
Russia flag from
Animation Factory
| Subj:
Russian Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 22 jokes and articles) |
|
Russia flag from Animation Factory |
Alse see ACCIDENTS1 - 'Falling
Cow'
ASIAN-CHINESE- 'Mine
Hires Three Workers'
BEARS file - 'Two
Foreign Scientists Study Grizzlys'
CONDOM file - 'US
Sends Russia Condoms'
DOG3 file - 'USA
& Russia In A Dog Fight'
FACTS3 file - 'The
Astronaut Pen'
FACTS4 file - 'Six
People Injured In Moscow'
......................-
'Russian
Truck Driver Drown In Beer'
......................-
'Underwear
Factory In Russia'
PENIS3 file - 'Penis
Frozen to Shed'
......................-
'The
"First" Wive's Penis Names'
RIDDLE file - 'Nationality
Riddle'
SEX3 file - 'Russian
Tries For Sex Record'
SLOGANS&PROVB- 'Russian
Proverb'
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| Subj:
Russian Beer Ad #1 (S506c)
From: auntiegah on 10/3/2006 |
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To view this short, cute commercial on my web site click 'HERE'.
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Subj:
Russian Beer Ad #2 (S506c)
From: auntiegah on 10/3/2006 |
To view this short, cute commercial on my web site click 'HERE'.
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Subj: Buying
A Car In The Soviet Union (S490b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/9/2006
Back during the days of the Soviet
Union, it took 10 years to
get a car after you paid for
one.
Once, a young guy went to the
car dealership to order a car.
He paid the money, and the asked
when can he come and get the car.
"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".
The man signed the papers, started
walking away and then stooped,
turned and asked the salesman:
"Wait, will it be ready at the
morning or at the afternnon".
"What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.
"Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".
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Subj: Russian
Soldier Eats Bed (S244b, DU)
From: jerry on 10/2/2001
Bonehead award two goes to a
Russian army soldier who ate
half of his bed in the hope
of getting out of the army. A
week after his hungry man meal
he needed surgery after
falling ill. 19 metal
hooks, among other metal items,
had to be removed from various
sections of his digestive
system.
While he may now get out of the
army, he will probably be
charged with trying to get out
of the army and for
damaging state property.
Pravda 27-Sep-01
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Subj: American
Needed To Piss In Moscow (S158, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 02/07/2000
An American tourist in Moscow
found himself needing to
take a leak very badly.
After a long search he just
couldn't find anyplace to relieve
himself. So he just
went down one of the side streets
to take care of business.
Before he could even get unzipped
a Moscow police officer
said, "Hey you, what are you
doing?"
"I gotta go, man," replied the tourist.
"You can't go here. Look,
follow me," the policeman
offered.
The police officer led him to
a beautiful garden with lots
of grass, pretty flowers, and
manicured hedges. "Here,"
said the cop, "whiz away."
The American shrugs, turns, unzips,
and starts right on
the flowers. "Ahhh.
Whew. Thanks. This is very nice
of you. Is this Russian
courtesy?" asked the tourist.
"No. This is the American Embassy."
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Subj: A Weather
Man Named Rudolf (S89, DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #245 on 98-10-13
and
From: scott_pryor on 98-12-20
He's always had a 100% accuracy
rate for his forecasts
of the Russian weather conditions.
His people loved him
and respected him for his faultless
foresight. He was
particularly good at predicting
rain. One night, despite
clear skies, he made the prediction
on the 6:00 PM news
broadcast that a violent storm
was approaching. It would
flood the town in which he and
his wife lived. He warned
the people to take proper precautions
and prepare for the
worst.
After he arrived home later that
evening, his wife met
him at the door and started
arguing with him that his
weather prediction was the most
ridiculous thing she had
ever heard. This time,
she said, he had made a terrible
mistake. There wasn't
a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of
the village. As a matter
of fact, that day had been the
most beautiful day that the
town had ever had and it was
quite obvious to everyone that
it simply wasn't going to
rain.
He told her she was to be quiet
and listen to him. If he
said it was going to rain, IT
WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had
all of his Russian heritage
behind him and he knew what he
was talking about. She
argued that although he came from
a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T
GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for
hours , so much that they
went to bed mad at each other.
During the night, sure enough
one of the worst rainstorms
hit the village the likes of
which they had never seen.
That morning when Rudolf and
his wife arose, they looked
out the window and saw all the
water that had fallen that
night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you
it was going to rain."
His wife admitted: "Once again
your prediction came true.
But I want to know, just
how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"
To which he replied, ...
... "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"
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| Subj:
Leningrad Cowboys & Red Army Choir
Singing SWEET HOME ALABAMA (S586b) From: rfslick on 4/13/2008 |
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Back in the days of the Soviet
Union, the Soviet Red
Army had an official choir composed
of male soldiers and
musicians. It still exists.
The Red Army Choir performs
throughout Russia to this day.
Now consider the Finnish rock
band called The Leningrad
Cowboys. A little while
ago, they held a concert in
Russia, in which - to the screaming
applause of Russian
teenagers - they got the Red
Army Choir to join them on
stage for a performance of
'Sweet Home Alabama.' In
English! You couldn't
make this up!
You can view this amazing concert
at the above source,
or on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
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Subj: Diamonds
In The Woodshed
From: humorlist-digest V2 #84 on 98-04-06
Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s.
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"My neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz
is an enemy of the State. He
is hiding undeclared diamonds
in his woodshed."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB goons go
over to Rabinovitz's house.
They search the shed where the
firewood is kept, break
every piece of wood, find no
diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz,
and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's
house. "Hello, Yankel!
Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to
call. I need my vegetable
patch plowed."
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Subj: Brit,
French And Russian View Painting (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #237 on 98-03-26
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian
are viewing a painting
of Adam and Eve frolicking in
the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their
calm," muses the Brit. "They
must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees.
"They're naked, and
so beautiful. Clearly, they
are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the
Russian points out, "they
have only an apple to eat, and
they're being told this is
paradise. They are Russian."
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Subj: Old
Russian Joke (S426, DU)
From TNKRTEACH on 97-03-29
A young couple was recently married
and the wife was admiring
the husband's very long eyelashes.
He told her that his
mother had said that they were
very long because he had cried
so much when he was a child.
"Better you should have peed more instead", the wife replied.
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Subj: Russian
Pees Vodka (S49, S467b)
From: RFSlick on 98-01-07
and
From: Bartend-JOTD on 12/28/2005
A Russian is strolling down the
street in Moscow and kicks
a bottle laying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle
comes a Genie. The Russian
is stunned and the Genie says,
"Hello master, I will grant
you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking,
"Well, I really like drinking
vodka." Finally the Russian
says, "I wish to drink vodka
whenever I want, so make me
pee vodka." The Genie grants
him his wish.
When the Russian gets home he
gets a glass out of the cup-
board and pisses in it.
He looks in the glass and it's
clear. Looks like vodka.
He smells the liquid. Smells
like vodka. So he takes
a taste and it is the best vodka
he has ever tasted. The
Russian yells to his wife,
"Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"
She comes running down
the hall and the Russian takes
another glass out of the
cupboard and pisses into it.
He tells her to drink, it is
vodka. Natasha is reluctant
but goes ahead and takes a
sip. It is the best vodka
she has ever tasted. The two
drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes
home from work and tells
his wife to get two glasses
out of the cupboard. He
proceeds to pee in the two glasses.
The result is the
same, the vodka is excellent
and the couple drink until
the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and
the Russian comes home and
tells his wife, "Natasha grab
one glass from the cupboard
and we will drink vodka."
His wife gets the glass from
the cupboard and sets it on
the table. The Russian begins
to piss in the glass and when
he fills it his wife asks
him, "But Boris, why do we need
only one glass?" Boris
raises the glass and says, "Because
tonight my love, you
drink from the bottle."
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Subj: Short
Russian Jokes & Facts
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Subj:
Only In Russia (S591b)
From: ginafm on 5/14/2008 |
| Subj:
Russian Tunnel - Icy Driving (S534)
From: jbcary1 on 4/11/2007 |
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Top
Subj: Russian
Shuttles Equipped w/Shotguns (S328, DU)
From: jerry on 5/5/2003
Because of an apparent tendency
for Russian spacecraft
to return to earth, sometimes
2,000 miles from the
targeted landing site, and most
recently 300 miles off
course, all Russian spacecraft
since 1965 are equipped
with sawed-off shotguns.
It's not to protect them from
space aliens but rather to protect
them from hungry
animals that may threaten the
cosmonauts while they
wait, maybe days, to be found
as happened in 1965 when
cosmonauts were threatened by
packs of hungry wolves.
CNN 5-May-03
Top
Subj: Russian
Bribes (S277b, DU)
From: jerry on 5/23/2002
The Moscow Times reports that
Russians spend a staggering
$36 billion a year in bribes
and unofficial charges, which
accounts for 12 percent of the
gross domestic product. A
figure that is conservative
according to the paper.
The Moscow Times 22-May-02
In Russian, a worker goes to
buy a new car. The salesman
tells him that he can pick it
up in ten years. The worker
asks what time after ten years
can he pick it up. The
salesman, surprised, asks "In
ten years, what does it
matter?", to which the worker
responds, "I have to know,
the plumber is coming over that
morning."
Ten percent of the Russian government's
income
comes from the sale of vodka.
From: RFSlick on 99-02-14
The letters KGB stand for Komitet
Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
From: dogbyte on 5/1/2002 (S274d)
Two Russian friends happen to
meet in Red Square. One
of them says, "By the way, did
you hear that Romanov died?"
"No," replies the other, "I didn't
even know he'd been
arrested!"
Q: How many Russians does it
take to change a light bulb.
A: None! They already
glow in the dark.
Q. What's the difference between
a LADA (small Russian car)
and a sheep?
A. It's more embarrassing if
you're caught getting out the
back of a LADA.
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 |
Smiley in Hitchhikers Guide
To The Galaxy from
FeebleMinds-Gifs.com |