Subj: Scottish Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 33 jokes and articles)
Bagpiper from
Animation Factory
| >>>
Subj: Scottish Jokes (Gz) (Includes 33 jokes and articles) |
|
Bagpiper from Animation Factory |
Also see BALLS file - 'Woman
Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
CANADIAN - 'American,
Scot And Canadian Die'
DENTIST file - 'Scotsman
Goes To The Dentist'
GOLF2 file - 'Three
Guys And Their Wives Play Golf'
IRISH file - 'Englishman,
Scotsman, ? An Irishman In A Bar'
......................-
'An
Irish, English ? Scots Discussing Their Wives'
ITALIAN file - 'Paolo The Carpenter'
NUNS1 file - 'Two
Nuns Come To USA And Eat A Hot Dog'
PENIS2 file - 'Cutting
Off A Husband's Dick'
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| Subj:
Kilted Scotsman - Movie (S494b)
From: darrell94590 on 7/13/2006 |
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A funny, off-color movie. You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Illegal
Scottish Drivers (S489c)
From: jerry on 6/6/2006
The "Serious Organised Crime
and Police Act 2005" in Scotland
gives police the authority to
seize and crush the cars of
people driving without insurance
or without a driver's license.
"The region's top police officer
said yesterday a "clear
message" is being sent to would-be
offenders."
"Unlicensed and uninsured drivers
are a threat to all road
users, and we aim to remove
that threat by removing their
means of transport," said Mr
Vine.
"In other words, if they have
no licence, no insurance, then
soon they will have no car."
A brief pilot will be carried
out in Angus, but the chief
constable said, "There will
be no period of grace. The law
is the law.
The Courier (Scotland) 6-Jun-06
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Subj: Scottish
Man Moves To America (S407b)
From: RickyDWyman on Nov. 16,2004
A Scottish man decides to move
away from home so he packs
up his possessions and bagpipe
and immigrates to America.
In America he finds a nice apartment
and settles down.
One day his mom calls and asks
how he likes his new home.
He admits, "The neighbors are
kind of strange. The man to
my left sits there and bangs
his head against the wall all
day." His mom finds this
strange and inquires further.
"Well, the woman to my right
sits there and pulls at her
hair day break to sun set..."
His mom is somewhat disturbed
and decides to change the subject.
“So, dear, what do you do?”
“Well, just the norm, I sit on
my Porch and play my bagpipe
all day..."
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Subj: Scotsman
? Jew In The Bathroom (S403b)
From: DafterLafter on 6/30/2004
Two friends, a Scotsman and a
Jew, are out drinking one
night. Eventually Nature calls,
and so they head for the
head. The Scotsman takes the
lone urinal, and the Jew says
that he has to take a dump anyway
so he enters the stall.
The usual noises are heard for
a minute, and then the Jew
says "Damn!"
"What's the matter?" inquires the Scotsman.
"Well, when I was pulling my
pants up, I dropped a dime
into the toilet."
The Scotsman joins the Jew in
the stall to look at the sad
sight. They both shake their
heads in despair. Then the
Scotsman reaches into his pocket
and drops a quarter into
the toilet.
"What did you do that for?!?" cries the Jew.
And the Scotsman sez, "Och, Ya
donna think I'll stick my
hand in there for a mere dime?"
\\\//
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Subj: A Penny
For Your Thoughts (S272b, S508)
From: thebartend on 4/15/2002
A young Scottish lad and lass
were sitting on a low stone
wall, holding hands, gazing
out over the loch. For several
minutes they sat silently, then
finally the girl looked at
the boy and said, "A penny for
your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps
it's aboot time for a
wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned
over and kissed him lightly
on the cheek. Then he
blushed. The two turned once again
to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl
spoke again. "Another penny
for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps
its noo aboot time for
a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned
over and cuddled him for a
few seconds. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once
again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she
again said, "Another penny for
your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps
its aboot time you let
me pewt ma hand on yer leg."
The girl blushed, then took
his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed. Then
the two turned once again to
gaze out over the loch before
the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
The young man glanced down with
a furled brow. "Well, noo,"
he said, "My thoughts are a
wee bit more serious this
time."
"Really?" said the girl in a
whisper, filled with
anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in
shyness, began to blush, and
bit her lip in anticipation
of the ultimate request.
And he said, "Din'na ye think
it's aboot time ye paid me
the first three pennies?"
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Subj: The
Gleam In Your Eye (S259b)
From: thebartend on 1/17/2002
A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows.
The girl looked at the guy and
shyly asked, "Would you like
to hold my hand?"
"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
They walked a little further
and the girl said, "Would you
like to kiss me?"
"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
As they got to the stream, they
sat on a stump, the girl
looked at the boy and asked,
"Would you like to go all
the way with me?"
"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp)
Yes! But how did you
know? By the gleam in my eye?"
"No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."
*Bartend note: After living in
Scotland for many years,
I can yell ya, after a few pints
the Kilt hides nothing! *G*
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Subj: Sewing
On A Button (S187)
From: thebartend on 08/28/2000
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes
to the little lady of the house
exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be
sewin on a wee button thats
come off of me fly I canny button
me pants. "
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands
in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could
be helpin ya with it"
About 5 minutes later there's
a terrible crash, a bang, a bit
of yelling and the sound of
a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the door with
a blackend eye and a bloody
nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him
and says "My god, what in hells
name happened to you? Did you
ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her
to sew on the wee button an she
did, everything was goin fine
but when she bent doon to bite
off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald
walked in...
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Subj: Scottish
Boy's First Kilts (S165, S364b)
From: thebartend on 2/23/00 ? 1/15/2004
In Scotland, the most important
time for a young lad is when
he "comes of age" and is allowed
to purchase and wear his
first kilt.
A couple of weeks before his
important birthday, a young lad
went to a tailor shop and found
the material he wanted for
his first kilt. He took
the material to the tailor and said,
"I'd like ye to make me a kilt
with this material here and,
if ye don't mind, I'd like ye
to make me a pair of matching
underwear for it. I hear
it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material
and promised to call the
young lad when the order was
completed. A few days later
the tailor called the lad back
to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye
matching underwear, and here's
five yards of the material left
over. Ye might want to take
it home and keep it in case
you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his
order, threw the material in
his room, and donned his kilt.
In his excitement, he decided
to run to his girlfriend's house
to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement,
he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered
the door, he pointed to his kilt
and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll
really like what's underneath,"
he stated as he lifted his kilt
to show her.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't
have his underwear on he
exclaimed quite proudly, "aye,
and if ye like it, I've got
five more yards of it at home!"
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Subj: Going
To College In England (S119)
From: smiles on 5/14/99
Donald MacDonald from the Isle
of Skye went to study at an
English university and was living
in the hall of residence
with all the other students
there. After he had been there
a month, his mother came to
visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're
such terrible, noisy people.
The one on that side keeps banging
his head on the wall and
won't stop. The one on
the other side screams and screams
all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you
manage to put up with these awful
noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing.
I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes."
*P.S. If you ever heard someone
who CANT play the bagpipes,
then you will understand that
joke!
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Subj: The
Picture 'The Scottish Piper' (S379b)
From: jbcary1 on 5/3/2004
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Subj: Scottish
Farmer Saves A Boy (S111, S529)
From: JCary on 99-03-11
and
From: RFSlick on 3/31/03 and 3/10/07
His name was Fleming, and he
was a poor Scottish farmer.
One day, while trying to eke
out a living for his family,
he heard a cry for help coming
from a nearby bog. He
dropped his tools and ran to
the bog. There, mired to his
waist in black muck, was a terrified
boy, screaming and
struggling to free himself.
Farmer Fleming saved the
lad from what could have been
a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage
pulled up to the Scotsman's
sparse surroundings. An
elegantly dressed nobleman stepped
out and introduced himself as
the father of the boy Farmer
Fleming had saved. "I
want to repay you," said the nobleman.
"You saved my son's life." "No,
I can't accept payment for
what I did," the Scottish farmer
replied, waving off the
offer.
At that moment, the farmer's
own son came to the door of
the family hovel. "Is
that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal . Let me
take him and give him a
good education. If the
lad is anything like his father,
he'll grow to a man you can
be proud of."
And that he did. In time,
Farmer Fleming's son graduated
from St. Mary's Hospital Medical
School in London, and
went on to become known throughout
the world as the noted
Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer
of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the nobleman's
son was stricken with
pneumonia. What saved
him? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman?
Lord Randolph Churchill. His
son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said what goes around
comes around. When
you help someone else you are
bringing joy into your life
also.....
The above wonderful story is
just an urban legend as verified
by Snopes.com at http://www.snopes.com/glurge/fleming.asp
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Subj: Scotsman
Washed Ashore On A Island (S69)
From: thebartend on 98-05-21
(Also see 'Golfer
stranded on island' in GOLF1)
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and
finally washed ashore on a
small island. As he regains
consciousness on the beach, he
sees a beautiful unclad nymphet
standing over him. She
asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och,
lassie, I havna' ittin a
bite in a week noo and I am
verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods
and quickly comes back with
a heaping helping of haggis.
When he has choked it down,
she asks, "Would you like something
to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made
me verra hungry and I wad
verra much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again
and returns with a bottle
of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch
whiskey. The Scotsman is
beginning to think that he's
in heaven when the unclad
nymphet leans closer and says,
"Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
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Subj: Scotsman's
Frugality (S188)
A Scotsman was arguing with a
conductor as to whether the
fare was 75 or 85 cents.
Finally the disgusted conductor
picked up the Scotsman's suitcase
and tossed it off the
train, just as they passed over
a bridge.
The suitcase landed with a splash.
"Mon!" screamed the Scotsman,
"isn't it enough that you
try to overcharge me, but now
you are trying to drown my
little boy!"
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Subj: Scotsman
Attends Baseball Game (S329b)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #164
and
From: auntiegah on 5/21/2003
(Also see 'Queen
Of England Watches Baseball' in BASEBALL)
A recent Scottish immigrant attends
his first baseball
game in his new country and
after a base hit he hears
the fans roaring, "Run.....run!"
The next batter connects heavily
with the ball and the
Scotsman stands up and roars
with the crowd in his thick
accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard,
r-r-run, will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and
again the Scotsman,
obviously pleased with his knowledge
of the game, screams,
"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-r-run,
will ya!"
The next batter held his swing
at 3 and 2 and as the ump
calls a walk, the Scotsman stands
up yelling, "R-r-run ya
bahstard, r-r-run"!
All the surrounding fans giggle
quietly and he sits down
confused. A friendly fan,
sensing his embarassment
whispers, "He doesn't have to
run, he's got 4 balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman
stands up in disbelief
and screams, "Walk with pr-r-r-ide,
ya lucky lad!"
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Subj: On The
Road To Inverness (DU)
From: ipkis on 97-08-22
One misty Scottish morning a
man was driving through the
hills to Inverness. Suddenly
out of the mist, a huge red-
haired highlander steps into
the middle of the road. The
man is about six foot three
and like a walking wardrobe.
He has a huge red beard and
despite the wind, mist and
near freezing temperatures,
is wearing only his kilt and
a tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands
a young women. She is
absolutely beautiful - slim,
shapely, fair complexion ...
heart-stopping. The car
driver's attention is dragged
from the girl when the highlander
opens his car door and
drags him from the seat onto
the road.
"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate".
"But ... " stammers the driver...
"Now ... or I'll bloody kill you!"
So the driver turns his back
on the girl, drops his trousers
and starts to masturbate.
Thinking of the girl on the
roadside this only takes a few
seconds.
"Right," says the highlander "Do it again!"
"But ..." says the driver.
"Now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Do it again!" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours.
The driver has cramps
in both arms, he has rubbed
himself raw, and despite the
mist and wind, has collapsed
in a sweating jibbering heap
on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again!" says the highlander.
"I just can't anymore - you'll
just have to kill me,"
whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at
the pathetic heap slumped on
the roadside.
"All right," he says, "NOW you
can give my daughter a lift
to Inverness."
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Subj: The
Story Of Scotland (S186)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #191
In the beginning when God was
creating the world, He was
sitting on a cloud, telling
his pal, the Arch Angel Gabriel,
what he planned for Scotland.
"Gabby," says He, "I'm going
to give this place high majestic
mountains, purple glens, soaring
eagles, streams laden with
salmon, golden fields of barley
from which a whisky coloured
nectar can be made, green lush,
spectacular golf courses, coal
in the ground, oil under the
sea......."
"Hold up! Hold up!" interjected
the bold Gabriel. "Are'nt you
being too generous to these
Scots?"
Back came the Almighty's reply,
"Not really. Wait until you
see the fucking neighbours I'm
giving them!"
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Scottish Jokes
 |
Subj:
Selling Toyota's In Scotland (S540)
From: darrell94590 on 5/18/2007 |
| Subj:
Irishman And Scotsman Difference (S525b)
From: LablaughsClean on 2/1/2007 |
 |
 |
Subj:
The Water Wheel (S584 in Engineering1)
From: ginafm on 3/29/2008 |
Top
Subj: Cute
American Visits Scotland (S381b)
From: mrx on 5/18/2004
A cute American tourist was
in Scotland for the first time
in her young life, and saw her
first Scotsman in a kilt.
Being a very self-assured young
woman, she approached him
and said "I've always wondered.
What does a Scotsman wear
under his kilt?"
He replied solumnly "A'm a mon
o' few werrds, lassie. Gi' me
yurr hand!"
A Scotsman goes into a pub and
orders a mineral water. He
drinks it, and goes into the
restroom, jacking off. Coming
back he revels "What a great
life - champaigne and women."
From: ipkis on 97-07-24
Two Scottish lasses are having
their picture taken with an
old tripod camera with the drape
hood behind it.
The photographer goes under
the hood to set up the camera,
and the one lass asks the other:
'What's he doin' under there?'.
The other lass answers: 'He's
goin' to focus...'
To which the lass replies: 'You
mean the both of us!'
From: humorlist-digest V1 #178 on 97-08-22
Following the "American Heritage"
parade in Columbia Maryland,
there was a reception for all
the participants. This young
Yuppette went up to one of the
men who had marched in full
Scottish regalia and said, "Excuse
my bluntness, but I've
just got to know, is anything
worn under your kilt ?"
"Nay, lassie," he replied with
a wide grin, "It's as good
as it ever was.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #237 on 98-03-26
My mother, who is Scottish born
and bred, loves torturing
Americans [ed. note: don't we
all? :-)]
Invariably, when she speaks,
they ALWAYS say, "Ooh, I love
the way you roll your R's."
To which she replies tartly, "Thanks, it's my high heels."
Most of them just smile and have no clue.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #262 on 98-07-28
A Scot and an Englishman are
removing wall paper.
What processes are they involved
in?
The Englishman is renovating...the Scot is moving.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/5/2005
(S440b - golf3)
In Scotland, a new game was
invented. It was entitled
Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden....
and thus the word
GOLF entered into the English
language.
Top
Q: What do the Rolling Stones
and a Scottsman
have in common?
(S06)
A: The Rolling Stones say, "Hey
you, get off of my cloud."
The Scottsman says,
"Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe."
from BEN'S JOKE
PAGE
bs105@york.ac.uk
Q: Why do Scotsmen have thin
long dicks?
A: Because they are such tight
fisted wankers.
Q: Why do scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because sheep can hear a
zipper a mile off.
Q: What's the difference between
a scottish woman and a sheep
A: The scottish woman is fuzzier,
but the sheep get laid more.
Q: What is the ice-cream of choice
in Scottish schools ?
A: A Magnum.
Q: What's the definition of a
gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to
play bagpipes, but doesn't.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when
they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's worse than a bagpiper?
A: Two bagpipers.
Q: Hear about the two Scottish
queers?
A: Ben Doon and Phil McCrevis
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Smiley plays the pipes from
Smiley_Central |