(Includes 164 jokes and articles)
Chinese flag from
Animation Factory
| Subj:
Chinese Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 164 jokes and articles) |
|
Chinese flag from Animation Factory |
Also see ANAGRAMS file- 'Jewish
Women And Chinese Food'
BEARS file - '16
Chinese Baby Pandas'
BLACKS1 file - 'Chinese
And The Black Bartender'
......................-
'Chinese And Black Skip
Rocks'
CHRISTMAS4 - 'Playing
Weeweechu'
FAT file - 'Americans
At A Chinese Soccer Stadium'
FOOD2 file - 'Chicken
At A Chinese Restraurant'
GRAVEYARD - 'Chinese
Grave Robbers'
JEWISH1 file - 'A
Rabbi And A Korean On A Plane'
JEWISH2 file - 'Samurai Contest'
MEXICAN file - '3
Guys Want To Watch The Olympics'
MOVIES_ETC - 'English
Subtitles Used In Hong Kong'
NEW YEARS - 'Chinese
New Year'
PLANE2 file - 'Dogfight'
SLOGAN&PROVRB- 'Chinese
Proverbs'
TRACK file - 'Chinese
Olympics Team'
WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Chinese
Wedding Night'
===========================================================Top
| Subj:
Chinese Food Song (S531c in Food2)
From: gordonschuk on 3/22/2007 |
 |
You can view this short musical
movie at the source above,
or on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
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 |
Subj:
"Cat In The Kettle" By Aaron Wilburn (S561c)
From: rfslick on 10/16/2007 (in Food2) Photo from YouTube |
This is a live performance of
the "Chinese Food Song". You
can see it at the source above,
or on my site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Chinese
Jews (S144)
From: FrankRoesc on 10/30/1999
(Also see 'Two Jews In Mexico'
in Mexican)
Sid and Al were sitting in a
Chinese restaurant. "Sid,"
asked Al, "I wonder if there
are any Jews in China?" "I
don't know," Sid replied. "Why
don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al
asked him, "Do you have any
Chinese Jews in China?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask",
the waiter replied, and
he went into the kitchen.
He returned in a few minutes
and said, "No, sir. No
Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir" the
waiter replied and went back
to the kitchen. While
he was still gone, Sid said, "I
cannot believe there are no
Jews in China. Our people are
scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said,
"Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?", Al asked
again. "I cannot believe
there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone in kitchen,"
the waiter replied
exasperated. "We have orange
Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews
and grape Jews, but no one ever
hear of Chinese Jews!"
\\\//
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Subj: Chinese
Fortunes
From: 6/30/2000 (S178)
Stop searching forever.
Happiness is just next to you.
A liar is not believed even
though he tell the truth.
The only way to have a friend
is to be one.
A friend is a present you give
yourself.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
From: 6/10/2000 (S175)
Life is a tragedy for those
who feel
and a comedy for
those who think.
It is better to have a hen tomorrow than an egg today.
From: 7/14/99's fortune in a Chinese
dinner (S128)
Birds are entangled by their
feet, and men by their tongues.
From: 8/10/99's fortune in a Chinese
dinner (S132)
An angry man opens his mouth
and shuts up his eyes.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/6/2001
(S249)
Found in a fortune cookie: "You
are a poor, pathetic,
gullible fool who seeks advice
from bakery products."
From: A fortune cookie Spence got on
10/28/2004 (S404b)
Doubt is the beginning, not
the end, of wisdom.
\\\//
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Subj: Confucius
Says (S47 & S311)
Compiled by: AJSwitzer
(See 'Chinese
Proverbs' in SLOGANS)
I hear and I forget.
I see and I remember.
I do and I understand.
-Confucius
From: LABLaughsClean on 2/22/2005 (S422b)
"Without an acquaintance with
the rules of propriety,
it is impossible for the character
to be established."
-- Confucius (551
BC - 479 BC), The Confucian Analects
Confucius say:
Man with
athletic finger make broad jump.
Man with
hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with
hand in pocket is having a ball.
Man with
hand in pocket not always jingling change.
Man with
holes in pockets, feels cocky all day.
Man with
one chopstick go hungry.
Man with
penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
Man who buy
drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Man who drive
like hell bound to get there!
Man who drop
watch in toilet,
bound to have shitty time.
Man who eat
many prunes get good run for money.
Man who eat
many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
Man who fart
in church sit in his own pew!
Man who fight
with wife all day,
get no piece at night.
Man who fish
in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who go
to bed with a problem in hand
wakes up in the morning with a solution in hand.
Man who go
to bed with itchy butt
wake up with smelly finger.
Man who goes
through turnstile backwards
is going to Bangkok.
Man who gets
kicked in testicles,
left holding the bag.
Man who have
titty in mouth make clean breast.
Man who kisses
girl's behind, gets crack in face.
Man who keep
feet firmly on ground
have trouble putting on pants!
Man who jizz
in cash register come into money.
Man who jump
off cliff jump to conclusion!
Man who lay
girl on hill not on level.
Man who lay
woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who live
in glass house should change in basement.
Man who marries
girl with no bust
have right to feel low down.
Man who plays
with titty gets bust in mouth.
Man who put
cream in tart not always baker.
Man who put
head on Rail Road track to listen for
train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who runs
behind car gets exhausted!
Man who run
in front of car get tired.
Man who scratches
ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who screws
cook in pantry often gets ass in jam.
Man who sells
Kotex, crack salesman.
Man who sleep
in cathouse by day,
sleep in doghouse by night.
Man who sleep
like baby does not have one.
Man who sit
on tack get point!
Man who smoke
pot choke on handle.
Man who stand
on toilet is high on pot!
Man who take
lady on camping trip, have one intent.
Man who tell
one to many light bulb jokes
soon burn out!
Man who think
he is Number One is next to nothing.
Man who wear
short sleeved shirt supports the
right to bare arms.
Man who wish
to make headlines should sleep
on corduroy pillow.
Man trapped
in pantry have ass in jam.
Man trapped
in whore house get jerked around.
He who crosses
the ocean twice without washing
is a dirty double crosser.
He who fart
in church sit in own pew.
He who fishes
in other mans well often catches crabs.
He who go
to bed with sexual confusion
wake up in morning with solution in hand.
He who pull
out to fast leave rubber behind.
He who refuses
to listen is lying.
He who sniffs
Coke, drowns.
He who stands
in corner with hands in pocket
doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
Woman who
cooks carrots and peas
in same pot is unsanitary.
Woman who
fly plane upside down
will have hairy crack up.
Woman who
goes to man's apartment
for snack, gets tit bit.
Woman who
pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Woman who
puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy...
Woman who
puts rooster in freezer have frozen cock.
Woman who
slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Woman who
springs on innerspring this spring
gets offspring next spring.
Woman who
wear G-string, high on crack!
When lady
say no, she mean maybe,
When lady
say maybe, she mean yes,
When lady
say yes--she no lady!
A bird in
hand makes hard to blow nose.
A flower
goes through much dirt before it blooms.
A truly wise
man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
America good
place to put chinese restaurant.
Baby conceived
in automatic car shiftless bastard.
Baseball
wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!
Better to
sleep with old hen than pullet.
Blond girl
have black hair by cracky.
Boy who go
to bed with sexual problem
wake up with problem in hand"
Boy who plays
with himself pulls boner.
Buddhist
to hot dog vendor: “Make me one with everything.”
Confucious
say it take square *** to s**t a brick.
Confucius
say too God damn much!
Crowded elevator
smells different to midget.
Diet: food
that make other people lose weight.
Don't drink
and park, accidents cause people.
Find old
man in dark, not hard!
Foolish man
give wife grand piano.
Wise man give wife upright organ.
Girl should
not marry basketball player:
he dribbles before he shoots.
Girl who
douches with vinegar
walk around with sour puss.
Girl who
goes to bed with detective must kiss dick.
Girl who
rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
If you park,
don't drink, accidents cause people.
It is good
for girl to meet boy in park,
but better for boy to park meat in girl.
It's stuffy
inside this fortune cookie.
It takes
many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
Kotex not
best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Lady who
live in glass house, dress in basement!
Learn to
masturbate--come in handy.
Man's mind
is like parachute: work best when open.
Man's most
important senses: horse and common.
Never raise
hands to angry child,
it leave groin exposed.
Ok for shit
to happen . . . will decompose.
Panties not
best thing on earth, but next to it.
Passionate
kiss like spider web,
lead to undoing of fly.
People who
make Confucious joke speak bad English.
Rape is impossible.
Lady run much faster with dress up
than man with pants down!
Sailor who
gets discharged from navy
leave buddies behind.
Secretary
becomes permanent fixture
when screwed on desk.
Smart man
is like fish: keep mouth shut
and stay out of trouble.
Squirrel
lay on rock and crack nuts;
man lay on crack and rock nuts.
Those who
quote me are fools.
To make egg
roll, push it.
To prevent
hangover stay drunk!
Virgin like
balloon . . . one prick, all gone.
Virginity
like bubble -- one prick, all gone.
War not determine
who's right,
war determines who's left.
Wash your
face in the morning, neck at night.
Wife who
puts husband in dog house
may find him in cat house.
Work to become,
not to acquire.
Excerpted from "Confusion Says:
The Collected Sayings,
Musings, Thoughts And Nonsense
of a Modern, Paranoid,
Schizophrenic, Introverted Yahoo.
Also Known As Gerry,"
by Gerry Harris
I am proud to say I am a self
made man.
I just wish I had read the instructions
more carefully.
If movies use sound effects to
seem more real,
why doesn't reality have more
sound effects?
I doubt therefore I might be.
Schizophrenia beats the heck out of being alone.
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
If electricity is produced by
electrons,
Is morality produced by morons?
\\\//
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Subj: Zen
Master Visits New York (S66, S514c)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #107 on 98-05-02
The Zen Master is visiting New
York City from Tibet. He goes
up to a hotdog vendor and says,
"Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot
dog and hands it to the Zen
Master, who pays with a $20
bill. The vendor puts the bill
in the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the
Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
\\\//
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Subj: Hong
Kong Lady And the British Bank
From: humorlist-digest V2 #90 on 98-04-12
A Chinese lady on holiday in
London goes to the bank to
change some Hong Kong Dollars
into pounds. She asks what
the exchange rate is and the
teller says, "HK$ 12.50 for
1 British pound." She
goes ahead and changes some money.
The next day she needs some more
pounds and goes back to
the bank. This time the
teller says, "HK$12.80 for 1
British pound." The Chinese
lady says, "What's going on?
Yesterday it was only $12.50
and now today it's $12.80?"
The British teller says simply, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese lady replies, "Well, fuck you Caucasians, too!"
\\\//
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Subj: Chinese
Torture (S452b, DU)
From: RFSlick on 98-02-09
and
From: darrell94590 on 9/13/2005
Once there was a man that suvived
a terrible Plane crash
and was lost in a forest......
He had no idea where he
was or which way to go.
He wandered for days and survived
on berries and twigs.
He was much to slow to catch any
kind of animal and couldn't
even start a fire. He should
have joined the boy scouts when
he was young.
After two week of wondering he
found a thin but three
story house with smoke coming
out of the chimney. Without
hesitation he knocked on the
door.
A little Man answered the door.
He had a long white beard
that hung almost to the floor.
"Please I need some food and Shelter." Said the young man.
"This I will give you but you
must promise not to fool with
my lovely daughter." the
old man said.
"Thank you and I wouldn't think of messing with your daughter."
"For if you do I will inflict
the three most gruesome Chinese
torture tests that have ever
been devised."
The man to weak agreed not thinking
that any woman could
arouse him in his weak state.
After a shower and some sleep
the man came down to eat.
A grand dinner was set up and
the man sat to eat. The old
man's daughter entered the room
and to great surprise of the
young man, she was most beautiful.
So beautiful that the
man could hardly tear his eyes
away from her during the meal.
Later that night the man crept
into the girls room just to
take one last look at her for
he promised to leave early the
next morning with a map the
old man gave him. When he opened
the door he saw the girl was
awake and to his surprise she
ushered him in. Well being
stuck in a forest with just your
father doesn't surpress all
urges so one thing lead to
another. They were as
quiet as possible not to wake the old
man. After a few hours
(Wow) the man crept to his room
thinking that any torture would
be worth what he just had
done. He fell asleep thinking
of her.
He got up and felt an enormous
pain on his chest. It was a
rock with a sign on it.
It said:
1st Chinese torture, 100 pound rock on chest!
Well this wasn't hardly what
the man thought would rate as
torture and threw the rock out
the window. As he did this
he saw a second sign just outside
the window it said:
2nd Chinese torture, Left testicle tied to 100 pound rock!
The man with out hesitation jumped
out the window knowing a
3 story drop would be far better
than what was in store for him.
As he fell to the ground he saw
a large sign on the ground.
It said:
3rd Chinese torture, Right testicle tied to bed post!
\\\//
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Subj: Suk
Mi Pagoda Menu (S62, DU)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
Cuntonese Cuisine
6969 Fellatio Blvd.
Escondildo, CA
281-6969 (that's Two ate one,
sixty-nine,sixty-nine)
A -La - Carte
Cream
Sum Yung Guy.. Women love it
Cum
Drop Soup ...... Same as above, but no MSG
Suc
Sum Tit ........ Chef's favorite
Luncheon Specials
1. Sum Yung Chick......
Sweet and delicious
2. Sum Dum Fuc ........
Same as #1 but without brains
3. Wong Hong Lo........
Chinese sausage with 2 meatballs
4. Suc Mi Pork.........
Mostly white meat for light eaters
5. Suc Mi Dork.........
Mostly dark meat for big eaters
Dinner Combinations
1. Goo in Hand.........
For those dining alone
2. Suc Mi Wang.........
Traditional Chinese sausage
3. Cum Too Soon........
Order early! These go fast!
4. Sum Dum Chick.......
Always a low cost favorite
5. Fuc Mei Slo.........
Takes 2 hours to prepare
6. Lik Mi Clit.........
A lip smacking Oriental treat
7. Goo Wee Chick.......
No extra charge for sloppy seconds
8. Yung Poon Tang......
Fresh daily
9. Too Can Choo........
Includes sausage and fish for two
10. Wai Too Yung......... Not
available on school nights
11. Fuc Sum Now.......... Raw
fish for those in a hurry
12. Tung Sum Chick....... Chef's
Special
13. Sum Gulp Twat........ Low-cal
diet special
14. Bang Ho Face......... Served
sitting down
15. Bang Ho Butt......... Served
with warm oil and jelly
16. Hoo Flung Poo........ Lobster
bibs & raincoats
provided
\\\//
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Subj: Mine
Hires Three Workers (DU)
From: RBishop707 on 97-11-03
It's back in the 1800's and a
mine owner is hiring new
workers. A German steps
up and says, "I can pick gold
faster than any man alive."
The owner hires him on the
spot.
A Russian wanders up and says,
"I can load gold faster
than any man alive." The
owner can't believe his good
fortune and hires this man too.
A China man walks up and asks
for a job, the owner is so
elated about hiring the other
two men he says, "Well, if
these other 2 men work as good
as they say I won't need
any more help but I'll put you
in charge of supplies."
The next day the owner goes and
checks on his new workers,
and sure enough the German is
picking gold at an unbelievable
rate......The Russian is loading
it as fast as the other
workers can haul it out. He
looks around and can't find the
Chinaman anywhere.
He begins to walk around the
mine to find him and just as
he rounds a dark corner the
Chinaman jumps out from behind
a rock and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
\\\//
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Subj: Chinese
Phrase Translation (S112, S451)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
and
From: Anon Jr. on 9/18/2005
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (Be sure to say out loud!)
Chinese Phrase
English Translation
--------------
-------------------
Ai Bang Mai Ne
I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu
A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat
You need a face lift
Dum Gai
A stupid person
Gun Pao Der
An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung
Which one of you fertilized the
field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding
We have reason to believe you are
harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun
A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia
Approach me
Lao Ze Sho
Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi
Not very good
Lin Ching
An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding
A great achievement of the American
space program
Ne Ahn
A lighting fixture used in
advertising signs
Shai Gai
A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be
A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne
A small horse
Ten Ding Ba
Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung
A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan
Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with
you
Wa Shing Kah
Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim
Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting
There is no reason to raise your
voice
From: RFSlick on 3/21/99
Ai No Pei
I got this for free.
Hao Long Wei Ting?
Has your flight been delayed?
Hia Dei Kum
They have arrived.
Lei Lo
Stay out of sight.
No Bai Dam Ting!!
Your price is too high!!
No Pah King
This is a tow away zone.
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? Do you
know the lyrics to the Macarena?
Wai Hang Mi?
I am not guilty.
Wai Go Nao?
Please, stay a while longer.
Wai Yu Kum Nao
Our meeting was scheduled for next
week.
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
I thought you were on a diet.
Wai Yu So Tan?
Did you go to the beach?
Yu Stin Ki Pu!
Your body odor is offensive.
From: gheckman on 5/26/00
Sum Ting Wong
That's not right.
Wai So Dim
It's very dark in here.
Yu So Dum
You are not very bright.
From: ICohen on 2/12/2003
Fa Kin Su Pah
Great
From: Anon Jr. on 9/17/2005
No Bai Nut Ding
Your price is too high!
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Asian-Chinese Jokes & Facts
| Subj:
Chinese Dancers (in Asia)
From: igiggle on 4/20/2006 Source: http://www.employees.org/~hshen/12371032.wmv |
 |
This 15,600 KB movie is exquisite,
but too long for my web
site. You can view it
at the source above.
The person who sent this to me
said that these dancers can
neither hear nor talk.
They dance by reading the signs of
the two teachers on the sides.
Neat, huh?
 |
Subj:
China - Power Point (S461b)
From: auntiegah on 11/24/2005 |
| Subj:
Chinese Watermelon Art (S442b)
From: darrell94590 on 7/10/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Chinese
Hiring Practice (S249b)
From: jerry on 11/8/2001
Bonehead award one goes to a
number of companies in
China who will not hire people
unless they have blood
types O or B because of a belief
that people with
these blood types are ''comparatively
more stable and
personable.'' Applicants
must be willing to submit
to a blood test.
In China, it's legal for companies
to set their own
criteria, however cockamamie
and discriminatory, for
employment.
Straits-Times of Singapore 7-Nov-01
Top
Subj: Chinese
Laundry(S214)
From: KMACINTY on 3/8/2001
A woman sends her clothing out
to the Chinese laundry. When
it comes back there are still
stains in her panties. The
next week she encloses a note
to the Chinese laundryman that
says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks,
the woman sending the same
note to the laundry. "Use more
soap on panties."
Finally fed up the Chinese man
responded with his own note
that said, "Use more paper on
ass."
Which of these things don't belong:
A tuna, a lobster, or a
chinese guy run over by a truck?
The tuna. The other two
are crustaceans. --
Darcy
The original story from Tales
of 1001 Arabian Nights begins,
"Aladdin was a little Chinese
boy."
The three best-known western
names in China: Jesus Christ,
Richard Nixon,
and Elvis Presley.
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
From: BawdyNet on 98-02-06
With time and patience the mulberry
leaf becomes a silk gown.
--Chinese proverb
From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
No matter how great your
triumphs or how tragic your
defeats, approximately one
billion Chinese couldn't care
less.
Communist China is technologically
underdeveloped because
they have no alphabet and therefore
cannot use acronyms to
communicate ideas at a faster
rate.
From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
NOVICE: Do clever men make good
husbands?
SAGE : Clever men don't
BECOME husbands!
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #285 on 99-02-13
If you take an Oriental person
and spin him around several
times, does he become Disoriented?
From: RFSlick on 99-02-14
The first episode of "Joanie
Loves Chachi" was the highest
rated American program in the
history of Korean television.
"Chachi" is Korean for "penis."
From: ossama on 3/22/99 (S113)
Reebok says they will lay off
some 3,000 workers at its
Indonesian plants. That
should save the payroll about $100.
From: FrankRoesc on 5/10/99
China has more English speakers
than the United States.
From: FrankRoesc on 7/20/99
If the population of China walked
past you in single file,
the line would never end because
of the rate of reproduction.
From: collins2 on 5/31/99
City with the most Rolls Royce's
per capita: Hong Kong
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/14/2002 (S270c)
"Ask a question and you're a
fool for three minutes;
do not ask a question and you're
a fool for the rest
of your life." -- Chinese
Proverb
See 'Chinese Proverbs' in SLOGANS & PROVERBS
From: pns on 10/18/2003 (S351b)
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
From: igiggle on 9/22/2004 (S403b)
In China, it's illegal to save
a drowning person,
as that would interfere with
his or her fate.
Learn to swim. It is a
sport all the peasants can play.
-- Mao Tse-Tung (in Quotes1)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #223 on 98-01-17
Q: What do you call a fat Chinese?
A: A Chunk.
From: All Female Collage! - Bawdy.Net
#227 on 98-01-31
Q: What is this?: Fe Fi
Fo, Fi Fe Fo Fe
A: A Chinese phone number.
From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134)
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese
couple that had
a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
From: jbcary1 on 6:54:21 (S446b)
Q: Why is there no Disneyland
in China?
A: No one's tall enough to go
on the good rides .
\\\//
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 |
Smiley at the great Wall from
Smiley_Central |