Subj:.....Work
Policy (S217)
From: flovilla on 3/24/2001
SICKNESS AND RELATED
LEAVE: |
 |
We will no longer accept
a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to
go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now
banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your
organs. You should not consider removing
anything. We hired
you intact. To have something removed
constitutes a breach
of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse
for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends,
relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare
cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early, provided
you share of the work is done enough to
keep the job going
in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted
as an excuse. However, we require at least
two weeks notice
as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much
time is being spent in the rest room. In the
future, we will follow
the practice of going in alphabetical
order. For instance,
those whose names begin with 'A' will go
from 8:00 to 8:10,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go
from 8:10 to 8:20
and so on. If you're unable to go at your time,
it will be necessary
to wait until the next day when your time
comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their time
with a coworker.
In writing, both employees' supervisors must
approve this exchange.
In addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit
in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an
alarm bell will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and
the stall door will
open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful
guide has been prepared to help our
employees better
understand their paychecks:
Item
Amount
Gross pay
$1,212.02
Income tax
$244.40
Outgo tax
$45.21
State tax
$11.61
Interstate tax
$61.10
County tax
$6.11
City tax
$12.22
Rural tax
$4.44
Back tax
$1.91
Front tax
$1.16
Side tax
$1.61
Up tax
$2.24
Tic-Tacs
$2.98
Thumbtacks
$3.93
Carpet tacks
$1.98
Stadium tax
$2.69
Flat tax
$8.32
Surtax
$3.46
Corporate tax
$2.60
Parking fee
$7.00
FICA
$81.88
TGIF Fund
$9.95
Life insurance
$7.85
Health insurance
$17.23
Dental insurance
$5.50
Mental insurance
$5.33
Disability
$3.50
Ability
$1.25
Liability
$3.41
Unreliability
$10.99
Coffee
$16.85
Coffee Cups
$66.51
Floor rental
$16.85
Chair rental
$1.32
Desk rental
$14.32
Union dues
$25.85
Union don'ts
$3.77
Cash advance
$0.69
Cash retreats
$121.35
Overtime
$1.26
Undertime
$54.83
Eastern time
$9.00
Central time
$8.00
Mountain time
$7.00
Pacific time
$6.00
Time Out
$12.21
Oxygen
$10.02
Water
$16.54
Heat
$51.42
Cool air
$26.83
Hot air
$28.13
Miscellaneous
$113.29
Sundry
$14.09
Various
$8.01
Net Take Home Pay
$6.02
Thank you for your
loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive
employment experience. All questions,
comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations,
contemplation's,
consternation's, or input should be
directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day
on 7/24/2002
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that
you come to work dressed according to
your salary, if we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and
carrying a $600 Gucci
bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore
you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will
receive 104 personal days a year. They
are called Saturday
and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will
take their vacation at the same time
every year.
The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1,
July 4, and Dec.
25
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get
an hour for lunch as they need to eat more
so that they can
look healthy, normal size people get 30
minutes for lunch
to get a balance meal to maintain their
average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because
that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a
diet pill.
Thank you for your
loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive
employment experience. Have a nice week. |
