barber

Subj: Barbershop Jokes
(Includes 23 jokes and articles, 07834,7,cf,md4,6)

Also see CARS-SUPP    - 'Boy Wants To Drive The Family Car'
         Hotel file   - 'Motel Guest Wants A Haircut'
         NEW YORKER   - 'New Yorkers Honeymoon On Train'
         SALOR-MARINE - 'Chief And Admiral Get Shaves'
         SIGNS-N-NAMES- 'Burma Shave Road Signs'
============================================================Top

Subj:     Polish Barbershop (S581c)
          From: tom on 3/6/2008

These five photos of a Polish barbershop could inspire me
to get a lot more haircuts. Click 'HERE' to view them.

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Subj:     How To Get A Close Shave (S74, S834)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #157 on 98-06-28
      and From: virv on 1/4/2013

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber
is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting
a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between
your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow
like everyone else does."

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Subj:     How Long Before I Can Get A Haircut (S71, S650)
          From: thebartend on 98-06-11 and 6/12/2006
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/15/2009

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks "How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his
head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says,
"About 2 hours."

The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head
in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and
half."

The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the
shop, and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he
goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop
laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

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Subj:     A Vacation In Rome (S60, S810)
          From: Anaise on 98-03-24
      and From: ginafm on 6/6/2009

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"

The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a
crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go
to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes
are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always
late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they
are overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to
see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe
says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA
gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we
on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and
they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant
who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I
described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million
remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential
suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope
likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be
so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope
would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the
Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down
as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?"

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Subj:     Dumb Boy Goes Into A Barbershop (S470, S638)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 8/16/2005
      and From: lubin100 on 4/2/2009

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to
his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch
while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters
in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do
you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never
learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he
sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May
I ask you a question? Why did you
take the quarters instead of the
dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because the day I take the dollar,
the game's over!"

.
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Subj: Riddle - The Two Barbers (S385b)
From: BrainTeaaerCentral.com on 06/09/2004

Question

A business man was in a village for a meeting. He had time
to spare before the meeting, so he decided to get a haircut.
He looked at a street map and was surprised to find that
there were only two barbers in town, right across the road
from each other. He walked across the village and came to
the two barber shops. He went into the first one and was
shocked by the dirtiness and the hair everywhere. The place
was a mess! He looked at the barber and the barber had a
really messy haircut all in his face and uneven. He went
across the street to the other barber and saw the place was
immaculate, clean and shining like new. The barber was
nicely dressed and had a dazzling haircut: it was perfect.
However, the man walked across the street and got his haircut
at the shabby barbers. Why?

Answer

Since people can't cut their own hair and there were only two
barbers in town, the two barbers must have cut each other's
hair. So, the poor haircut must have been performed by the
clean barber. Therefore, the good haircut must have been
performed by the messy barber.

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Subj:     Bush And Clinton At The Barbershop (S362, S590)
          From: JBCARY1 on 1/2/2004
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/6/2008
          (Also see 'Chief And Admiral Get Shaves' in SAILOR-MARINE)

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same
barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a
different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation,
for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife
Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, Laura doesn't know what the inside
of a whorehouse smells like."

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Subj: Man And A Boy Get Haircuts (S329)
From: igiggle on 5/18/2003

A man and a boy entered a barber's shop together. After
the man had received a shave and a haircut, he sat the
boy in the chair and said, "I'm just going to run next
door to pick up a few things from the supermarket. I'll
be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's hair was cut and the man still hadn't
returned, the barber said, "It looks like your dad's
forgotten you."

"That wasn't my dad," said the boy. "He just walked up,
took me by the hand and said, "Come on, we're going to
get a free haircut."

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Subj: Early Haircut (Poem) (S201)
From: JOELFALLON on 12/3/2000

Acres of white tile. Six barbers standing by huge chairs
smiling. Dad nods to one who begins to smile less as he
installs a child's seat.

I'm lifted. Then a band of cr?pe paper is put around my
neck and a large striped sheet covers all but my head.

Dad tells the barber what to do and pats me on the shoulder.
Then he settles into a chair and lights a cigar.

Millions of mirrors and millions of barbers.
Millions of dads and millions of me.
We're in a green glass box stretching forever getting
smaller and smaller.

The million barbers move together so do the million me's.
"Don't squirm young man." His fingers touch my shoulder
without real menace - I guess because dad is there, - watching.

I'm combed and clippered and scissored and combed again.
And sprayed and brushed. And then -
A mirror is held before my face.

I don't know what to say.
Dad says it for me.
"He looks like a movie star."
Then we go for ice cream.

Barber shops have changed a lot.
And so have I.
Yet, when barbers ask me, "How would you like it?"
I answer "Make me look like a movie star."

Early Haircut
© 2000 by Joel Fallon

Regards - Joel

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Subj: Man Propersitions Manicurist (S316)
From: Grampsboyd on 2/16/2003

A man went into one to get a shave, and noticing that the
manicurist was really beautiful, decided to have a manicure
at the same time. After he watched her work for a while,
he got up his nerve and finally said, "How about going out
with me tonight or some night soon?'

She said, "No, I'm married"

He asked, "Can't you just tell your husband you're going to
visit a sick girl friend?"

"Why don't you tell him yourself" she replied, "He's shaving
you!"

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Subj:     Free Haircuts (S228, S425)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #235 on 97-10-29
      and From: mebharkins on 3/15/2005

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the
cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm
sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community
service this week"

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning
when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card
and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to
pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I can
not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this
week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the
barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen
donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot
accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut,
and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,
"I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service
this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a
'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to
Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful.

"Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept
money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The
Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next
morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
between the citizens of our country and the members of our
Congress.

Subj: Short Barber Jokes (DU)

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Subj:     Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip (S753)
          By Charles M. Schulz
          From: News.Yahoo.com on 6/19/2011

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/comics/peanuts
Click 'HERE' to see this Peanuts Sunday comic strip
about Charlie Brown's father, a barber.

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Subj:     B.C. Comic Strip (S743)
          By Mastroianni and Hart
          From: Creators.com on 4/6/2011

Source: http://comics.washingtonpost.com/11_comics_bc.html
Click 'HERE' to see B.C. Comic Strip's different styles
of sport haircuts.

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Subj: Treatment For Baldness (S650b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/8/2009
During his monthly visit to the corner barber shop, this
fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat
his in-creasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber
leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come
across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've
got one hell of a mustache!"

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Subj:     Pickles Comic Strip (S666)
          By Brian Crane
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 10/11/2009

Source: http://wpcomics.washingtonpost.com/client/wpc/wppic/
This Sunday comic strip is very funny and very real.
Click 'HERE' to see it.

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Subj:     Little Girl Goes To The Barber (S252, S472)
          From: RFSlick on 11/26/2001
      and From: LABLaughsAdult20060127 on 1/27/2006
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets
his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to
her, "Sweet- heart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

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Subj:     Blondie Comic Strips (DU)
          By Dennis Young and Denis Lebrun
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/30/2009

Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/artsandliving
........./comics/king_blondie.html?name=Blondie
Click 'HERE' to read about Dagwood going to the barber.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've
got one hell of a mustache!"

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Subj:     Garfield Comic Strip (S652)
          By Jim Davis
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/5/2009

Source: http://wpcomics.washingtonpost.com/client/wpc/ga/
Click 'HERE' to read this cute comic strip on why
Jon goes to the barbershop.

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Subj: New Barber Gives A Shave (S401b)
From: DafterLafter on 7/15/2004
I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've
seen others who have. I was in a shop once, and an obviously
new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a
shave.

The new man, in an effort to smooth things over asked
solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?"

"No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my
arm."

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair
without her husband's permission.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/11/2002 (S280b)
I used to be a Barber. The last guy whose hair I cut,
I cut off his ear. I told him I was sorry, but I don't
think he heard me.

From Joel Fallon on 09/09/00 (S189)
Q: What's the difference between a good hair cut and
a bad one?
A: Two weeks

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............................Smiley get a hair cut from Smiley_Central.
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