Subj: Contractor-Construction Jokes (Gz-m)
(Includes 26 jokes and articles)
Hammer and Nail
from
AGAG Animation Gallery
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Subj: Contractor-Construction Jokes (Gz-m) (Includes 26 jokes and articles) |
|
Hammer and Nail from AGAG Animation Gallery |
Also see ACCIDENT1
- 'The Bricklayer'
BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde
Gets Windows Installed'
......................-
'The
Blonde And The Contractor'
FARMER2 file - 'The Weathered Old Barns'
HOSPITAL1 - 'Minor
Operation And Men In White'
HOW TO file - 'Homeowners
Guide To Basic Tools'
......................-
'How
To Locate Studs'
ITALIAN file - 'Paolo
The Carpenter'
JOBS2 file - 'Worker
Dies In Scaffolding Fall'
REDNECK3 - ‘Irish,
Mexican, And Redneck Do
.............................Construction
Work’
POLISH file - 'Mexican,
English, And Polack Eat Lunch'
PRISON file - 'Inmate
Becomes A Carpenter'
STORIES file - 'Tired
Carpenter Gets Ride Home' (in NonJokes)
===========================================================Top
| Subj:
The Making of Stonehenge (S447 in Movies)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 8/23/2005 |
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This retired construction worker
shows us how Stonehenge
could be built by one man without
pulleys or levers. You
can view it at the source above,
or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Blondes
At The Lumberyard (S586)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/11/2008
Some blondes in a pickup truck drove
into a lumberyard.
One of the blondes
Walked in the office and said, "We
need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours,
don't you?"
The blonde said, "I'll go check,"
and went back to the
truck. She returned
And said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
"I'd better go check."
After awhile, the blonde returned
to the office and
said, "A long time.
We're gonna build a house."
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Subj: Construction
Worker Litter (S562)
From: SCOTCOB on 10/26/2007
The Dallas Solution
I have a friend who is president
of his homeowners associa-
tion in the Dallas, Texas suburbs.
They were having a
terrible problem with litter
near some of his association's
homes.
The reason according to Wallace
(my friend) is that six very
large, luxurious new houses
are being built right next to
their community.
The trash was coming from the
Mexican laborers working at the
construction sites, and included
bags from McDonalds, Burger
King and 7-11, plus coffee cups,
napkins, cigarette butts,
coke cans, empty bottles, etc.
He went to see the site supervisor
and even the general
contractor politely urging them,
to get their workers not
to litter the neighborhood,
to no avail.
He called the city, county, and
police and got no help
there either.
So here's what his community
did. They organized about
twenty folks, named themselves
The "Inner Neighborhood
Services" group, and arranged
to go out at lunch time,
and "police" the trash themselves.
It is what they did while picking
up the trash that is so
hilarious. They bought
navy blue baseball caps and had the
initials "INS" embroidered in
gold on the caps.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist
to understand what they
hoped people, might mistakenly
think the letters really
stand for.
After the Inner Neighborhood
Services group's first lunch
time pickup detail, with all
of them wearing their caps
and some carrying cameras, 46
out of the total of 68
construction workers did not
show up for work the next
morning -- and have not come
back yet.
It has been ten days now.
The General Contractor, I'm told,
is madder than hell, but
can't say anything publicly
because, he could be busted for
hiring illegal aliens.
Wallace and his bunch can't be
accused of impersonating
federal personnel, because they
have the official name of
the group recorded in their
homeowner association minutes,
along with a notation about
the vote to approve formation
of the new subcommittee -- and
besides, they informed the
INS in advance of their plans
and according to Wallace,
the INS said basically, "Have
at it!"
SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD
SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY
TRIUMPHS AGAIN!
This is an Urban Legend as reported
by Snopes.com at
http://www.snopes.com/politics/immigration/ingenuity.asp
\\\//
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Subj: Bricklayer's
Brother Is A Bishop (S406)
From: DafterLafter on 10/26/2004
At the construction site of a
new church, the contractor
stopped to chat with one of
his workmen. "Paddy," he asked
casually, "didn't you once tell
me that you had a brother
who was a bishop?"
"That I did, sir."
"And you are a bricklayer!
It sure is a funny world. Things
in life aren't divided equally,
are they?"
"No, that they ain't sir," agreed
Paddy, as he proudly
slapped the mortar along the
line of bricks. "Me poor
brother couldn't do this to
save his life!"
\\\//
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Subj: Nun
Visits Construction Site (S338)
From: BennoRo on 7/14/2003
An old nun who was living in
a convent next to a Brooklyn
construction site noticed the
coarse language of the workers
and decided to spend some time
with them to correct their
ways.
She decided she would take her
lunch, sit with the workers,
and talk with them. She
put her sandwich in a brown bag
and walked over to the spot
where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and
with a big smile said, "Do
you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked
at each other. One of
the workers looked up into the
steelworks and yelled,
"Anybody up there know Jesus
Christ?"
One of the steelworkers peeked over and shouted down "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "His wife is here with his lunch."
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Subj: Three
Hired At Construction Site (S270d)
From: coreymac on 4/2/2002
An Italian, a Scotsman and a
Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site. The
foreman points out a huge pile of
sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of
sweeping." To the Scotsman he
says, "You're in charge
of shoveling." And to
the Chinese guy, "You're in charge
of supplies." He
then says, "Now, I have to leave for a
little while. I expect
you guys to make a dent in that
there pile."
The foreman goes away for a couple
hours and when he returns,
the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why
didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava
no broom. You saida to the
Chinese a fella that he a wasa
in a charge of supplies, but
he hasa disappeared and I no
coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the
Scotsman and says, "And you,
I thought I told you to shovel
this pile." The Scotsman
replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot
ah couldnay get meself a
shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese
gadgie in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now
and storms off toward the
pile of sand to look for the
Chinese guy. Just then, the
Chinese guy leaps out from behind
the pile of sand and
yells... "SUPPLIES!!"
\\\//
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Subj: 6-Year-Old
Girl Helps At Construction Site (S225, S554c)
From: FrankRoesch on 5/21/2001
and
From: CKButch4Femme on 8/28/2007
A young family moved into a house
next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew
turned up to start building a
house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6-year-old
daughter naturally took an
interest in all the activity
going on next door and started
talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually
the construction crew-gems-in-the-rough,
all of them -more
or less adopted her as a kind
of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her
sit with them while they had
coffee and lunch breaks, and
gave her little jobs to do
here and there to make her feel
important.
At the end of the first week
they even presented her with
a pay envelope containing a
dollar.
The little girl took this home
to her mother who said all
the appropriate words of admiration
and suggested that they
take the dollar pay she had
received to the bank the next
day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the
teller was equally impressed
with the story and asked the
little girl how she had come
by her very own pay check at
such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied,
"I've been working with a
crew building a house all week."
"My goodness gracious," said
the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this
week too?"
The little girl replied, "I will
if those useless sons-a-
bitches at Home Depot ever bring
us any drywall that's
worth a shit!"
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Subj: Workers
Does Sign Language (S214)
From: KMACINTY on 3/8/2001
A construction worker on the
3rd floor of a building needs
a handsaw. He sees another man
on the 1st floor. He yells
down to him, but he can't hear,
so he does sign language.
To do sign language, the man
on the 3rd floor points at his
eye meaning "I", points at his
knee meaning "need", and
moves his hand back and forth
in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods
his head, drops his pants and
starts pulling himself off.
The man on the 3rd floor gets
so angry he runs down to the
1st floor and says, "What the
fuck is wrong with you, dumb
ass? I said I need a handsaw!"
The other guy says, "I knew that,
I was just trying to tell
you I'm coming."
\\\//
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Subj: Construction
Site Fantasies (S406b)
From: LABLaughsAdult 2004-10-25 on 10/25/2004
Source: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200408/085.htm
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Subj: The
Parable Of The Good Contractor (S118)
From: smiles on 98-08-12
There once was a computer contractor
who lived her whole life
without ever taking advantage
of any of the people she worked
for, she believed in knowledge
transfer and never kept infor-
mation from others. In
fact, she made sure that every job
she did resulted in a win-win
situation.
One day while walking down the
street she was tragically hit
by a bus and she died.
Her soul arrived up in heaven where
she was met at the Pearly Gates
by St. Peter himself.
Welcome to Heaven," said St.
Peter. "Before you get settled
in though it seems we have a
problem. You see, strangely
enough, we've never once had
a contractor make it this far
and we're not really sure what
to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in."
said the contractor. "Well,
I'd like to, but I have higher
orders. What we're going to
do is let you have a day in
Hell and a day in Heaven and
then you can choose which one
you want to spend eternity
in."
"Actually, I think I've made
up my mind...I prefer to stay
in Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the
contractor in an elevator
and it went down-down-down to
hell. The doors opened and
the contractor found herself
stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a
country club and standing in
front of her were all her
friends - fellow contractors
that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening
gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on
both cheeks and they talked
about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf
and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil who
was actually a really nice bloke
(kind-of-cute) and she
had a great time telling bawdy
jokes and dancing. The
contractor was having such a
good time that before she
knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand
and waved goodbye as she got
on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and
opened back up at the
Pearly Gates and found St. Peter
waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."
So the contractor spent the next
24 hours lounging around
on clouds and playing the harp
and singing. She had a
great time and before she knew
it her 24 hours were up
and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell
and you've spent a day in
heaven. Now you must choose
your eternity."
The contractor paused for a second
and then replied, "Well,
I never thought I'd say this,
I mean, Heaven has been
really great and all, but I
think I had a better time in
Hell." So St. Peter escorted
her to the elevator and
again the contractor went down-down-down
back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator
opened she found herself
standing in a desolate wasteland
covered in garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were
dressed in rags and were
picking up the garbage and putting
it in sacks. The
Devil came up to her and put
his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered
the contractor, "Yester-
day I was here and there was
a golf course and a country
club and we ate lobster and
we danced and had a great
time. Now there is a wasteland
of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"That's because
yesterday you were a contractor,
but today you're a
permanent."
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Subj: Three
Contractors Tour The White House
From: humorlist-digest V1 #277 on 97-12-15
(See 'NASA
Interviews Mars Astronauts' in STAR TREK ? SPACE)
Three contractors were touring
the white house on the same
day. One was from New
York, another from Missouri, and the
third from Florida. At
the end of the tour, the guard
asked them what they did for
a living. When they each
replied that they were contractors
the guard said "Hey, we
need one of the rear fences
redone. Why don't you guys
look at it and give me a bid."
So to the back fence they went.
First up was the Florida
contractor. He took out
his tape measure and pencil, did
some measuring and said, "Well
I figure the job will run
about $900. $400 for materials,
$400 for my crew, and
$100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor.
He also took out his
tape measure and pencil, did
some quick figuring and said,
"Looks like I can do this Job
for $700. $300 for materials,
$300 for my crew, and $100 profit
for me."
The guard asks the New York contractor
how much. Without
so much as moving the contractor
says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks
at him and says "You didn't
even measure like the guys!
How did you come up with such
a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from
New York, "$1,000 for me,
$1,000 for you and we hire the
guy from Missouri."
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Subj: Short
Contractor Jokes
 |
Subj:
How To Load A Bobcat? (S603b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/25/2008 |
| Subj:
Crappy Monday (S578c)
From: tom on 2/18/2008 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Using A Caulking Gun Correctly (S574)
From: tom on 1/13/2008 |
| Subj:
Backhoe Terrorist (S536c)
From: edapsmas on 4/26/2007 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Irish Girl Calls Demolition Company (S511)
From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2006 Drawing from Ginny Prior Media Services |
| Subj:
Crane Stuck In Building (S495b)
From: jerry on 7/23/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
The Modern Construction Worker (S458b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/2/2005 |
Top
Subj: Construction
Tongue Twister (S397)
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/30/2004
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so
sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!
Top
Subj: Bull
Dosing Crew Knocks Down The Wrong House (S346b)
From: jerry on 9/15/2003
"Yes, we have knocked your house
down."
Comment made by a construction
crewman to a Tennessee man
who returned home from work
to find that they had torn his
home down by mistake.
The demolition crew got their right
and left turns confused and,
despite being sent to tear down
a burned out home that had no
porch, tore down his home
which was not burned up and
which had a porch.
The Leaf Chronicle (Clarksville,
Tennessee) 14-Sep-03
Top
Subj: First
Time House Builder (S325b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/20/2003
Some men in a pickup truck drove
into a lumberyard. One
of the men walked in the office
and said, "We need some
our-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check,"
and went back to the truck.
He returned and said, "Yeah,
I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute
and said, "I'd better go
check." After a while,
the customer returned to the office
and said, "A long time. We're
gonna build a house."
From: PGM2R4U on 5/31/99 (S130)
Wife of a local building contractor
ask her daughter on
Thanksgiving Day, "What do you
want for Christmas?"
Daughter says, "Mommie I want
a little brother". Wife
says, "I'm sorry dear but this
year we just don't have
time". Daughter says,
"Mommie, why don't you do what
daddy says when he is short
of time, "Put more men on
the job".
Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings
the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker
that came along would
have destroyed civilization.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/4/2001 (S240)
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't
want to paint it."
-- Steven Wright
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/14/2002 (S285b)
Not only is there no God, but
try finding a plumber
on Sunday. -- Woody Allen
(1935-)
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/13/2002 (S300b)
Men have become the tools of
their tools.
-- Henry David Thoreau
(1817-1862)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/30/2006 (S380b)
"To the man who only has a hammer
in the toolkit,
every problem looks like a
nail." -- Abraham H. Maslow
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Smiley the Carpenter from
Smiley_Central |