Subj: Contractor-Construction Jokes
(Includes 43 jokes and articles, 23889,25,cf,md4w,21)
Hammer and Nail
AGAG Animation Gallery
Also see ACCIDENT1
- 'The Bricklayer'
BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde Gets Windows Installed'
......................- 'The Blonde And The Contractor'
FARMER2 file - 'The Weathered Old Barns'
FARMER-SUPP - 'Bruno Barm Move' - Video
HOSPITAL1 - 'Minor Operation And Men In White'
HANDICAP-SUPP- 'Phil Parr And The Blind Handyman Radio Show' - Video
HOWTO file - 'How To Build Fun Stairs'
......................- 'Homeowners Guide To Basic Tools'
......................- 'How To Locate Studs'
HOWTO-SUPP - 'TED - Massimo Banzi Explains Arduino' - Video
ITALIAN file - 'Paolo The Carpenter'
JOBS2 file - 'Worker Dies In Scaffolding Fall'
JOBS-SUPP - 'ABC News - The All American Home' - Video
REDNECK3 - 'Irish, Mexican, And Redneck Do
POLISH file - 'Mexican, English, And Polack Eat Lunch'
PRISON file - 'Inmate Becomes A Carpenter'
STORIES file - 'Tired Carpenter Gets Ride Home' (in NonJokes)
Central Texas Tools (S841d)
Produced by Texas Country Reporter
From: From: Mel's Video of the Day on 2/18/2013
In this video from the Texas
Country Reporter, one family
has engineered a legacy that spans four generations.
Tom, Tommy, & Pierce Carpenter
Central Texas Tool Co.
1410 Walnut Street
Abilene, TX 79601
Click on either source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see
this machine shop which is a piece of American history.
Subj: Three Hired At Construction Site (S270)
From: coreymac on 4/2/2002
An Italian, a Scotsman and a
Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of
sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of
sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge
of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge
of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a
little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that
The foreman goes away for a couple
hours and when he returns,
the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why
didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava
no broom. You saida to the
Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but
he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the
Scotsman and says, "And you,
I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman
replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a
shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now
and storms off toward the
pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the
Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
Time Warp Table Saw called SawStop (S700d)
From: ft.apache on 6/9/2010
For those of you who use a table
saw, you will find this
fascinating. If you have never seen "Time Warp," it's a
show all about super-duper slow motion cameras capturing
things we take for granted and never see as they really
are. In this case, they take photos of this guy's new
invention of a safer table saw. Click on either source,
or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this wonderful innovation.
Subj: Nun Visits Construction Site (S338, S762)
From: BennoRo on 7/14/2003
and From: allenbergman on 8/22/2011
An old nun who was living in
a convent next to a Brooklyn
construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers
and decided to spend some time with them to correct their
She decided she would take her
lunch, sit with the workers,
and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag
and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and
with a big smile said, "Do
you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked
at each other. One of
the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers peeked over and shouted down "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "His wife is here with his lunch."
Building Implosion (S676b,d)
A building implosion is when
the building falls into
itself making a wonderful display of smoke. Click
on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see
this amazing demolition of a building going from
skyscraper to groundscraper in 10 seconds.
Building Implosion Gone Wrong (S676b)
Sometimes implosions go very
wrong. Officials in Turkey
are trying to figure out why a building demolition went
wrong. Instead of imploding, the structure fell over,
narrowly missing a neighboring apartment building. Click
on the above source to see this scary video.
Subj: 5-Year-Old Girl Helps At Construction Site (S225, S849)
From: FrankRoesch on 5/21/2001
and From: tom on 4/16/2013
A young family moved into a house,
next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building
a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old
daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity
going on next door and spent much of each day observing
Eventually the construction crew,
all of them "gems-in-
the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project
mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while
they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs
to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week,
they even presented her with
a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl
took this home to her mother who suggested that she take
her ten dollars "pay," she'd received, to the bank the
next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got
to the bank, the teller was
equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had
come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The
little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a
real construction crew building the new house next door
"Oh my goodness gracious," said
the teller, "and will you
be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will,
if those assholes at
Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock..." Kind of brings
a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
The Making of Stonehenge (S447d)
on 8/23/2005 (in Movies)
This retired construction worker
shows us how Stonehenge
could be built by one man without pulleys or levers. You
can view it at the source above, or on my web site by
Subj: Blondes At The Lumberyard (S586)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/11/2008
Some blondes in a pickup truck drove
into a lumberyard.
One of the blondes
Walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The blonde said, "I'll go check," and went back to the
truck. She returned
And said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
"I'd better go check."
After awhile, the blonde returned to the office and
said, "A long time.
We're gonna build a house."
50 Strange Buildings Of The World (S616)
Subj: Construction Worker Litter (S562)
From: SCOTCOB on 10/26/2007
The Dallas Solution
I have a friend who is president
of his homeowners associa-
tion in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a
terrible problem with litter near some of his association's
The reason according to Wallace
(my friend) is that six very
large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to
The trash was coming from the
Mexican laborers working at the
construction sites, and included bags from McDonalds, Burger
King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts,
coke cans, empty bottles, etc.
He went to see the site supervisor
and even the general
contractor politely urging them, to get their workers not
to litter the neighborhood, to no avail.
He called the city, county, and
police and got no help
So here's what his community
did. They organized about
twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood
Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time,
and "police" the trash themselves.
It is what they did while picking
up the trash that is so
hilarious. They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the
initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist
to understand what they
hoped people, might mistakenly think the letters really
After the Inner Neighborhood
Services group's first lunch
time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps
and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68
construction workers did not show up for work the next
morning -- and have not come back yet.
It has been ten days now.
The General Contractor, I'm told,
is madder than hell, but
can't say anything publicly because, he could be busted for
hiring illegal aliens.
Wallace and his bunch can't be
accused of impersonating
federal personnel, because they have the official name of
the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes,
along with a notation about the vote to approve formation
of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the
INS in advance of their plans and according to Wallace,
the INS said basically, "Have at it!"
SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD
SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY
This is an Urban Legend as reported
by Snopes.com at
German Hammer Juggler (S674d)
This handyman juggling hammers
while driving a nail
into a beam in the ceiling. The narrator calls this
stunt, unbelievable, amazing, and awesome. Click on
the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see
Joel B., the hammer thrower.
Subj: Bricklayer's Brother Is A Bishop (S406)
From: DafterLafter on 10/26/2004
At the construction site of a
new church, the contractor
stopped to chat with one of his workmen. "Paddy," he asked
casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a brother
who was a bishop?"
"That I did, sir."
"And you are a bricklayer!
It sure is a funny world. Things
in life aren't divided equally, are they?"
"No, that they ain't sir," agreed
Paddy, as he proudly
slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. "Me poor
brother couldn't do this to save his life!"
Winscape Intro (S694d)
From: Wimp.com on 5/2/2010
Photo from YouTube.com
This video is an introduction
to the Winscape monitor/windows.
See www.rationalcraft.com for more details. Music is Annen
Polka by Johann Strauss. Click on either source, or 'HERE'
to see these absolutely incredible window monitors.
Subj: Workers Does Sign Language (S214)
From: KMACINTY on 3/8/2001
A construction worker on the
3rd floor of a building needs
a handsaw. He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells
down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.
To do sign language, the man
on the 3rd floor points at his
eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and
moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods
his head, drops his pants and
starts pulling himself off.
The man on the 3rd floor gets
so angry he runs down to the
1st floor and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you, dumb
ass? I said I need a handsaw!"
The other guy says, "I knew that,
I was just trying to tell
you I'm coming."
Subj: Construction Site Fantasies (S406b)
From: LABLaughsAdult 2004-10-25 on 10/25/2004
Subj: The Parable Of The Good Contractor (S118)
From: smiles on 98-08-12
There once was a computer contractor
who lived her whole life
without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked
for, she believed in knowledge transfer and never kept infor-
mation from others. In fact, she made sure that every job
she did resulted in a win-win situation.
One day while walking down the
street she was tragically hit
by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where
she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
Welcome to Heaven," said St.
Peter. "Before you get settled
in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely
enough, we've never once had a contractor make it this far
and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in."
said the contractor. "Well,
I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to
do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and
then you can choose which one you want to spend eternity
"Actually, I think I've made
up my mind...I prefer to stay
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the
contractor in an elevator
and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and
the contractor found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a
country club and standing in front of her were all her
friends - fellow contractors that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked
about old times. They played an excellent round of golf
and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who
was actually a really nice bloke (kind-of-cute) and she
had a great time telling bawdy jokes and dancing. The
contractor was having such a good time that before she
knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and
opened back up at the
Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."
So the contractor spent the next
24 hours lounging around
on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a
great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up
and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell
and you've spent a day in
heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The contractor paused for a second
and then replied, "Well,
I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been
really great and all, but I think I had a better time in
Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again the contractor went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator
opened she found herself
standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were
picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered
the contractor, "Yester-
day I was here and there was a golf course and a country
club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great
time. Now there is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
yesterday you were a contractor, but today you're a
Hidden Secret Passages (S848d)
Made by Creative Home Engineering
From: Wimp.com on 4/11/2013
Home Engineering builds Hollywood-style secret passages
for homes. Click on the company to see other secret passages
that they have built. Click on either source, or 'HERE' for my
copy, to learn more about this construction firm.
Subj: Three Contractors Tour The White House
From: humorlist-digest V1 #277 on 97-12-15
(See 'NASA Interviews Mars Astronauts' in STAR TREK and SPACE)
Three contractors were touring
the white house on the same
day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the
third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard
asked them what they did for a living. When they each
replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we
need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys
look at it and give me a bid."
So to the back fence they went.
First up was the Florida
contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did
some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run
about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and
$100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor.
He also took out his
tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said,
"Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials,
$300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The guard asks the New York contractor
how much. Without
so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks
at him and says "You didn't
even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such
a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from
New York, "$1,000 for me,
$1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
Subj: Short Contractor Jokes
Lego Wall Repairs (S889d)
From: tom on 1/20/2014
Photo from WeHeartIt.com...
Pile Driving In The Third World (S852d)
From: Wimp.com on 5/8/2013
Photo from YouTube.com
Loading A Backhoe On A Truck (S850d)
From: Wimp.com on 4/19/2013
How To Throw Cement (S701b,d)
From: Wimp.com on 6/21/2010
Photo from YouTube.com
Forklift Vs Coin And Bottle (S832d)
From: sam.hutkins on 12/17/2012
A Forklift Accident (S641c,d)
Crane Operator Wanted (S613b,d)
From: tom on 10/6/2008
Burj Dubai is going to hold the
world's tallest title
for at least another 10 years, as the construction of
the Tall Tower will take minimum 10 years. Click 'HERE'
to view this spectacular picture.
Subj: Wife Buys Hinge At Store (S619)
From: darrellvip on 11/18/2008
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a
new hinge, so he sent his wife Jane to Lowe's. At
Lowe's, Jane saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while
she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting
on a customer. When Walt was finished with the customer,
Jane asked 'How much for that faucet?
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
My goodness that sure is a lot
of money!' Jane exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie
had sent her to buy, and Walt went to find it. From the
back aisle Walt yelled, 'Jane, you wanna screw for that
hinge? She replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
And this is why you can't send
a woman to Lowe's.
How To Load A Bobcat? (S603b,d)
Subj: Construction Tongue Twister (S397)
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/30/2004
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Crappy Monday (S578c,d)
Using A Caulking Gun Correctly (S574d)
Subj: Bull Dosing Crew Knocks Down The Wrong House (S346b)
From: jerry on 9/15/2003
"Yes, we have knocked your house down."
Comment made by a construction
crewman to a Tennessee man
who returned home from work to find that they had torn his
home down by mistake. The demolition crew got their right
and left turns confused and, despite being sent to tear down
a burned out home that had no porch, tore down his home
which was not burned up and which had a porch.
The Leaf Chronicle (Clarksville,
Backhoe Terrorist (S536c)
Irish Girl Calls Demolition Company (S511)
..........From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2006
Drawing from Ginny Prior Media Services
Subj: First Time House Builder (S325b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/20/2003
Some men in a pickup truck drove
into a lumberyard. One
of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check,"
and went back to the truck.
He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute
and said, "I'd better go
check." After a while, the customer returned to the office
and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Crane Stuck In Building (S495b)
The Modern Construction Worker (S458b)
Subj: Popsicle Stick Riddle (S827)
................Englewood Cliffs, NJ 07632
From: PGM2R4U on 5/31/99 (S130)
Wife of a local building contractor ask her daughter on
Thanksgiving Day, "What do you want for Christmas?"
Daughter says, "Mommie I want a little brother". Wife
says, "I'm sorry dear but this year we just don't have
time". Daughter says, "Mommie, why don't you do what
daddy says when he is short of time, "Put more men on
Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would
have destroyed civilization.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/4/2001 (S240)
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
-- Steven Wright
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/14/2002 (S285b)
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber
on Sunday. -- Woody Allen (1935-)
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/13/2002 (S300b)
Men have become the tools of their tools.
-- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/30/2006 (S380b)
"To the man who only has a hammer in the toolkit,
every problem looks like a nail." -- Abraham H. Maslow