Subj: Cowboy Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 73 jokes and articles)
Cowboy Sings
from
Accent on Animation
| >>>
Subj: Cowboy Jokes (Gz) (Includes 73 jokes and articles) |
|
Cowboy Sings from Accent on Animation |
Also see ALLIGATOR
- 'Texas Alligator'
BIRDS file - 'Two
Woodpeckers Argue'
BLACK1 file - 'A
Cowboy, An Indian And A Black'
BREAST file - 'New
Bra Invented In Texas'
CARS3 file - 'Final
Words Before Crashes'
CLOTHING file- 'Two
Cajuns Buy Cloths In Texas'
......................-
'Texan
Buys A City Suit'
COWS-SHEEP - 'Shepherd
Makes A Bet'
DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Three
Texas Surgeons Brag'
FARMER2 file - 'Rural Wisdom'
GENIE file - 'The
IRS Genie'
......................-
'Tonto,
The Indian Genie'
GRAVEYARD - 'Montana
Rancher Dies'
HANDICAPPED - 'Blind
Man Has Beer At Texas Bar'
HEAVEN file - 'A
Texan Dies And Goes To Heaven'
IRISH1 file - 'Texan
In An Irish Pub'
JEWISH2 file - 'Old
Jew Helps Wagon Train'
MATH4 file - 'Three
Guys Rent A Room'
MOVIES-ETC - 'Man
Sleeps In Theater'
NATIONAL_STAT- 'Texas
Talk Translated To English'
......................-
'Texas'
.........NAT-AMERICANS-
'Captured
By Indians'
......................-
(INDIANS - see whole file)
PENIS2 file - 'Texan
Has A Baby'
POETRY file - 'Reincarnation,
By Wallace McRae'
PROFESSOR - 'Professor
Discusses Emotional Extremes'
REDNECK1 file- (See whole
file)
REDNECK2 file- (See whole
file)
REDNECK3 file- (See whole
file)
SEX3 file - 'What's
Rodeo Sex?'
SPERM file - 'Tonto
And Lone Ranger Are Lost'
TRUCK-BUS - 'Helping
A Lady On The Bus'
WORDJOKES1 - 'Lone
Ranger And Tonto In A Bar'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
30 Great Westerns (S471)
From: igiggle on 1/22/2006 |
 |
The author describes the 30 greatest
westerns. These are
the Westerns that any fan of
the genre should know. These
are some of the most influential
and important Westerns
ever made. To read these
descriptions, go to the source
above.
\\\//
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Subj: Texan
Stops Jumper (S282)
From: thebartend on 6/28/2002
A Texan went into the big city up North for the first time.
After strolling around the downtown
area for a while,
he happened to look up and see
a man at the top of a
tall building. The man looked
like he was ready to jump
off.
Concerned about the man's fate,
the Texan immediately
started thinking of things he
could tell the man so
that he would want to live and
would not jump.
"Remember your wife," yelled
the Texan. "She divorced
me," said the man.
"Remember your children," yelled
the Texan. "They ran
away," said the man.
"Remember your parents," yelled
the Texan. "They are
dead," said the man.
"Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan.
"What is the Alamo?" inquired the man.
"Jump, you Yankee Sumbitch!" replied the Texan.
\\\//
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Subj: Buying
Cowboy Boots (S215)
From: ICohen on 3/13/2001
(Also see 'Sam Buys
A Pair Of Alligator Shoes' in ALLIGATOR
and 'Sam Buys A Pair
Of Boots' in ELDERLY1)
An elderly couple is vacationing
in the West. Sam always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy
boots. Seeing some on
sale one day, he buys them,
wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and
says to his wife, "Notice
anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on,
Bessie, take a good look.
Notice anything different about
me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into
the bathroom, undresses,
and walks back into the room
completely naked except for
his boots. Again, he asks,
a little louder this time,
"Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was
hanging down yesterday,
it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow." Furious, Sam
yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY
IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S
LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda
bought a hat, Sam.
Shoulda bought a hat"
\\\//
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Subj: It's
So Hot In Texas That......
From: RFSlick on 7/22/99
"It's So Hot In Texas That......"
*The birds have to use pot holders
to pull worms out of
the ground.
*The potatoes cook underground,
and all you have to do
to have lunch is to pull one
out and add butter, salt
and pepper.
*Farmers are feeding their chickens
crushed ice to keep
them from laying hard boiled
eggs.
=================================
"It's So Dry In Texas That..."
*The cows are giving evaporated milk.
*The trees are whistling for the dogs.
*A sad Texan once prayed, "I
wish it would rain - not so
much for me, cuz I've seen
it - but for my 7-year-old."
*A visitor to Texas once asked,
"Does it ever rain out
here?" A rancher quickly
answered "Yes, it does. Do
you remember that part in the
Bible where it rained for
40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes,
I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher
puffed up, we got about two
and a half inches of that."
======================================
"You Know You're In Texas When..."
*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
*You can make instant sun tea.
*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
*You discover that in July, it
takes only 2 fingers
to drive your car.
*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
*You notice the best parking
place is determined by shade
instead of distance.
*Hot water now comes out of both taps.
*It's noon in July, kids are
on summer vacation, and not
one person is out on the streets.
*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
*You break a sweat the instant
you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
before work.
*No one would dream of putting
vinyl upholstery in a car
or not having air conditioning.
*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear
is, "What if I get knocked
out and end up lying on the
pavement and cook to death?"
*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
\\\//
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Subj: Cowboy
Gets Three Wishes From A Snake (S120, S565)
From: thebartend on 5/17/99
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still
snow-choked trails looking for
cattle that survived the
winter. As one cowboy's
horse went around the narrow trail,
it came upon a rattlesnake warming
itself in the spring
sunshine. The horse reared
and the cowboy drew his six-gun
to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said
the snake, "don't shoot. I'm
an enchanted rattlesnake, and
if you don't shoot me, I'll
give you any three wishes you
want."
The cowboy decided to take a
chance. He knew he was safely
out of the snake's striking
range. He said, "OK, first, I'd
like to have a face like Clark
Gable, then, I'd like a build
like Arnold Schwarzenegger,
and finally, I'd like sexual
equipment like this here horse
I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right,
when you get back to the
bunk house you'll have all three
wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around
and galloped at full speed
all the way to the bunk house.
He dismounted on the run and
went straight inside to the
mirror. Staring back at him in
the mirror was the face of Clark
Gable. He ripped the shirt
off his back and revealed bulging,
rippling muscles, just
like Arnold Schwarzenegger's.
Really excited now, he tore
down his jeans, looked at his
crotch and shouted...
"My God, I was riding the mare!"
\\\//
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Subj: A Cowboy's
Guide (S91, S382)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #221 on 98-09-19
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't interfere with something
that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with
the outcome of a rain dance.
The easiest way to eat crow
is while it's still warm.
The colder it
gets, the harder it is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole,
the first thing to do is
stop diggin'.
If it don't seem like it's worth
the effort, it probably ain't.
It don't take a genius to spot
a goat in a flock of sheep.
The biggest troublemaker you'll
probably ever have to deal with
watches you shave
his face in the mirror every morning.
Never ask a barber if you need
a haircut.
If you get to thinkin' you're
a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody
else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off
more'n you can chew;
your mouth is probably
a whole lot bigger'n you think.
Always drink upstream from the
herd.
Generally, you ain't learnin'
nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.
Tellin' a man to git lost and
makin' him do it
are two entirely
different propositions.
If you're ridin' ahead of the
herd, take a look back
every now and then
to make sure it's still there with ya.
Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that
comes from bad
judgment.
When you give a personal lesson
in meanness to a critter or
to a person,
don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight
around, be ready to have it
thrown around by
somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag
is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it
back.
Always take a good look at what
you're about to eat. It's not
so important to
know what it is, but it's sure crucial to
know what it was.
The quickest way to double your
money is to fold it over
and put it back
into your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to
shut up.
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Texans And A Choking Lady (S89, S369)
From: RBishop707 on 98-10-14
and
From: Grampsboyd on 2/4/2004
(Also see 'Two Bosnian Doctors'
in DOCTORS1)
Two Texans walk into a roadhouse
to wash the trail dust from
their throats. They stand
at the bar, drinking their beers
and talking quietly about cattle
prices. Suddenly a woman at
a table behind them, who had
been eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute
or so it becomes apparent that she
is in real distress, and the
cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.
No, the woman shakes her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn
a bit blue, shakes her head No
again.
The first cowboy walks over to
her, lifts up the back of her
skirt, yanks down her panties,
and slowly runs his tongue
from the back of her thigh up
to the small of her back. This
shocks the woman to a violent
spasm, the obstruction flies
out of her mouth, and she begins
to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to
the bar and takes a drink of
his beer. His partner
says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that
there Hind Lick Maneuver, but,
I never seen anybody do it."
\\\//
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Subj: Cowboy
In A Bar Has His Horse Stolen (S167, S389b)
From: ossama on 98-05-05
and
From: Anonymous Jr on July 5,2004
A cowboy rode into town and stopped
at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always
had a habit of picking on
strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found
his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily
flips his gun into the air,
catches it above his head without
even looking and fires a shot
into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS
STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with
surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA
BEER, AND IF MY HOSS
AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME
I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN
IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T
LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside,
and his horse is back!
He saddles-up and starts to
ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of
the bar and asks, "Say partner,
before you go... what happened
in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
\\\//
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Subj: Cowboy
And Lesbian In A Bar (S60, S336)
From: auntieg on 98-03-21
and
From: szalay on 6/30/2003
(See 'Two Lesbians
In A Bar' fron BAR1)
An old cowboy dressed to kill
with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,
spurs and chaps went to a bar
and ordered a drink. As he
sat there sipping his whiskey,
a young lady sat down next to
him. After she ordered
her drink she turned to the cowboy
and asked him, "Are you a real
cowboy?" To which he replied,
"Well, I have spent my whole
life on the ranch, herding cows,
breaking horses, mending fences,
I guess I am."
After a short while he asked
her what she was. She replied,
"I've never been on a ranch
so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a
lesbian. I spend my whole
day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning
I think of women, when I eat,
shower, watch TV, everything
seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left
and the cowboy ordered another
drink. A couple sat down
next to him and asked, "Are you a
real cowboy?" To which
he replied, "I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm
a lesbian."
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Texans, Two Nuns, And A Football Game
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #222 on 98-01-14
At a football game two Texans
were seated behind two nuns.
One Texan said to his friend,
"I can't wait to get back to
Dallas. There are only
ten Catholics there."
His buddy replied, "I can't wait
to get back to Houston.
There are only five Catholics
there."
Finally, one of the nuns commented,
"You both should go to
Hell! There aren't any
Catholics there!"
\\\//
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Subj: Do-It-Yourself
Country And Western Song (S43)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
(See 'How To Sing
The Blues!' in MUSIC)
I met her __________
_____; I can still recall _________
(1) (2)
(3)
1.
2.
3.
on the highway
in September that
purple dress
in Sheboygan
at McDonald's that little
hat
outside Fresno
ridin' shotgun that burlap bra
at a truck stop
wrestlin' gators those training pants
on probation
all hunched over the stolen goods
in a jail cell
poppin' uppers that plastic nose
in a nightmare
sort of pregnant the Stassin pin
incognito
with joggers the
neon sign
in the Stone Age
stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile
in a treehouse
with Merv Griffin the hearing aid
in a gay bar
dead all over the boxer
shorts
she wore; She was ______
_____,
(4) (5)
4.
5
sobbin' at the toll booth
in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper
but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies
by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne
near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie
with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny
when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail
on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail
with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili
with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand
with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini
in her muu-muu
and I knew _______; _______ I'd
______ forever;
(6) (7)
(8)
6.
7.
no guy would ever love her more
I promised her
that she would be an easy score
I knew deep down
she'd bought her dentures in
a store She asked me if
that she would be a crashing
bore I told her shrink
I'd never rate her more than
"4" The judge declared
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore
My Pooh Bear said
it was a raven, nothing more
I shrieked in pain
we really lost the last World
War The painters knew
I'd have to scrape her off the
floor A Klingon said
what strong deodorants were
for My hamster thought
that she was rotten to the core
The blood test showed
that I would upchuck on the
floor Her rabbi said
She said to me ____; But who'd
have thought she'd _____
(9)
(10)
8.
9.
10.
stay with her
our love would never die run off
warp her mind
there was no other guy wind up
swear off booze
man wasn't meant to fly boogie
change my sex
that Nixon didn't lie yodel
punch her out
her basset hound was shy sky dive
live off her
that Rolaids made her high turn green
have my rash
she'd have a swiss on rye freak out
stay a dwarf
she loved my one blue eye blast off
hate her dog
her brother's name was Hy make it
pick my nose
she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out
play "Go Fish"
that birthdays made her cry bobsled
salivate
she couldn't stand my tie grovel
___________; _________ goodbye.
(11)
(12)
11.
12.
with my best friend
You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel
I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard
She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show"
I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist
I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate"
I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot
She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on
She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag
I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru
But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor
She sealed me in the vault and smirked
\\\//
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Subj: Cowboy
And His Horse (S145, S562c)
From: mbucher on 6/23/2002
and
From: danschu63 on 10/24/2007
A bunch of Indians capture a
cowboy and bring him back to their
camp to meet the chief. The
chief says to the cowboy, "You
going to die. But we sorry
for you, so give you one wish a day
for three days. On sundown of
third day, you die. What is
first wish?" The cowboy
says, "I want to see my horse." The
Indians get his horse. The cowboy
grabs the horse's ear and
whispers something, then slaps
the horse on the ass. The horse
takes off. Two hours later,
the horse comes back with a naked
blonde. She jumps off
the horse and goes into the teepee with
the cowboy. The Indians
look at each other, figuring, "Typical
white man - can only think of
one thing."
The second day, the chief says,
"What your wish today?" The
cowboy says, "I want to see
my horse again." The Indians bring
him his horse. The cowboy
leans over to the horse and whispers
something in the horses ear,
then slaps it on the ass. Two
hours later, the horse comes
back with a naked redhead. She
gets off and goes in the teepee
with the cowboy. The Indians
shake their heads, figuring,
"Typical white man - going to die
tomorrow and can only think
of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief
says, "This your last wish,
white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my
horse again." The Indians
bring him his horse. The cowboy
grabs the horse by both ears,
twists them hard and yells, "Read
my lips! POSSE, damn it!
P-O-S-S-E!"
\\\//
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Subj: Texas
Limousine (S398b)
From: Gutterville.Co.Za on 9/8/04
At: www.gutterville.co.za/displaycontent.asp?rowid=22
..............?contenttypeid=2?refpg=displaycontent.asp
(See 'Second Texas Limo' in Cowboy2)
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Cowboy
And Barnyard Pig
From: Playboy February 1997
A lonesome cowboy wandered into
a remote town and headed for
the saloon. He asked the
bartender where he could find a
woman, and was told, "Ain't
no women for miles, but there's
a barnyard out back."
Disgisted, the cowboy swore he
would never stoop to such a
thing. But the next night
he got too lonely. He went out
to the barn and spotted a cute
little pig. He took her to
his room, gave her a bath, groomed
her, and put pink ribbons
behind her ears. Tucking
the animal under his arm, he walked
into the saloon, where dozens
of other cowpokes sat with all
sorts of animals at their tables.
But as he took a seat, a
hush fell over the room.
"What's wrong? the dude asked,
looking around. "Y'all
are doing the same thing!"
"Yeah, someone said from the
back of the room, "but we sure
ain't doin' it with the sheriff's
gall."
\\\//
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Subj: Indian
Tells Time (S04)
A cowboy was riding in the planes
one day when he came across
a Indian stark naked lying flat
on his back with a hard on.
The cowboy asked him what he
was doing. The Indian replied
"I'm telling time." The
cowboy asked him what time it was.
The Indian replied "it's 11:45."
After looking as his pocket
watch, the cowboy replied "you're
right"
A little while latter the cowboy
came across another Indian
stark naked lying flat on his
back with a hard on. The
Cowboy again asked him what
he was doing. He replied "I'm
telling time" The cowboy
asked him what time it was. The
Indian replied "it's 1:15".
The cowboy looked as his pocket
watch and said "you're right".
A short while latter the same
cowboy came across a Indian
stark naked lying on the ground
jacking off. The cowboy
asked him what he was doing.
He replied "I'm winding my
watch"
\\\//
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Subj: Cowboy
And Cowgirl On Their Honeymoon (S191)
From: thebartend on 9/28/00
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl
decided to get married.
After the wedding they left
for their honeymoon. While
driving down the road, the new
bride sees two cows having
sex. The new bride asks
with a sly grin, "What are they
doing honey?" The husband answers,
"They're roping!" She
replies, "Oh, I see!" while
trying to hide her knowing
expression.
After a few more hours of driving
they pass two horses
having sex. Again the
bride asks, "What are they doing
honey?" The husband answers,
"They're roping!" She replies,
"Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their
hotel. The couple washed up
and started to get ready for
bed. When they got in the
bed, they started to explore
each others body. The bride
discovers her husbands penis.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps,
"What are those?" she asks
"They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to
make love. After several
minutes the bride says, "Stop
honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What's the
matter honey, am I hurting
you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope.
\\\//
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Subj: Texan
And His Bride Get A Room (S188)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/08/2000
A Texan and his bride ask the
hotel desk clerk for a room,
telling him they just got married
that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk.
Looking at the cowboy, he
asks, "Would you like the bridal
then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy.
"I reckon I'll just hold
her by the ears 'til she gets
the hang of it.
\\\//
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Subj: Cowboy
And The Epileptic Bride (S188)
The bronc rider carried his bride
over the threshold into the
honeymoon suite. They
had taken off all their clothes and
jumped in bed, when suddenly
the girl began to jerk and twitch.
"What's the matter, baby?" the
man asked.
She was now shivering all over.
"I'm having an epileptic fit!"
she finally managed to say.
"Oh hell! I gotta do something
about this?" the cowboy said,
thinking quickly. He picked
up the hotel phone and called the
bell captain for help.
Four bellhops soon came rushing into
the room. "Quick! Grab
her arms and hold her down!" the cowboy
shouted to two of them.
To the other two, he directed, "Grab
her legs--hold her tight!" Hopping
astraddle her, he shouted
to the straining bellhops, "Okay,
fellas, cut her loose!"
\\\//
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Subj: Ventriloquist
Cowboy And The Rancher (S167, S552)
From: Imogenelumen on 3/28/2004
and
From: AFine963 on 8/13/2007
A ventriloquist cowboy walked
into a ranch and saw a rancher
sitting on his porch with his
dog:
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind
if I speak to him?
Rancher: This dog don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin alright
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner?
(pointing at rancher)
Dog: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me
twice a day, feeds me great food,
and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your
horse?
Rancher: Horses don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it
goin?
Horse: Cool.
Rancher: (an even wilder look
of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner?
(pointing at rancher)
Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for
asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your
SHEEP?
Rancher: (gesticulating wildly,
and hardly able to talk).....
Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!
\\\//
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Subj: Paper
Cowboy (S145)
From BEN'S JOKE PAGE
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked
into the saloon and ordered
a beer. The regulars quietly
observed the drifter through
half-closed eyelids. No
one spoke, but they all noticed that
the strangers hat was made of
brown wrapping paper. Less
obvious was the fact that his
shirt and vest were also made of
paper. As were his chaps,
pants, and even his boots, including
the paper spurs. Truth
be told, even the saddle, blanket and
bridle on his horse were made
entirely of paper.
Of course he was soon arrested for rustling...
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Cowboys Tell Tall Tales (S51)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
(Also see 'Three
Rednecks By The Camp Fire' in REDNECK3)
Three cowboys are sitting around
a campfire, out on the lone-
some prairie, each with the
bravado for which cowboys are
famous. A night of tall tales
begins.
The first says, "I must be the
meanest, toughest cowboy there
is. Why, just the other
day, a bull got loose in the corral
and gored six men before I wrestled
it to the ground, by the
horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be
bested. "Why that's nothing. I
was walking down the trail yesterday
and a fifteen foot
rattler slid out from under
a rock and made a move for me. I
grabbed that snake with my bare
hands, bit its head off, and
sucked the poison down in one
gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent,
slowly stirring the coals
with his penis.
\\\//
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Subj: Masterson
Teaches A Young Gunfighter
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
It's 1860. The decade of gunslingers
and gentlemen. This is
a true story of one such young
man that wanted more than
anything to be the fastest and
most respected gunslinger in
the west.
The place was Deadman, Kansas
in the Sawdust saloon. The
young man walked into the Sawdust
saloon and to his surprise
he saw Bat Masterson sitting
at a table playing poker. The
young man walked up to Bat and
said, "Mr. Masterson, I would
like to be a gunslinger just
like you. Could you give me
some tips?"
Bat Masterson put his cards down,
looked up at the boy and
said, "Son, I don't usually
give out tips like this cause it
could someday be detrimental
to my health, but step back and
let me take a look at you."
The boy stepped back and Mr.
Masterson said, "You look good.
You're wearing black, you've
got two pearl handled guns with
waxed holsters, and you look
like a gunslinger. But what's
more important son is, can you
shoot?"
The young man, happy to show
how good he was, quickly drew
his pistol from his right holster
and without aiming shot
the cuff link off of the piano
player's right sleeve.
Bat Masterson said, "That's good
shooting son, but can you
shoot with your left hand?"
Before Masterson could even finish,
the boy had already drawn
the pistol from his left holster
and shot the cuff link off
of the piano player's left shirt
sleeve. Very proud of him-
self the young man blew the
smoke away from his six shooter
and holstered his gun. "How
was that?" the boy asked Masterson.
Bat Masterson smiled and looked
up and the boy and said, "That
was pretty good shooting son.
I couldn't do much better than
that myself, but I do have one
good tip for you."
"What's that?" the boy asked.
"Well," Masterson said, "I suggest
that you go to the kitchen
and ask the cook for a large
can of lard. Then take both guns
of yours and stick them down
deep in the lard."
Puzzled the young gunslinger
asked Masterson why he should do
that. Masterson put his
cards down for the second time,
leaned back in his chair and
said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp
gets done playing the piano
over there, he's going to take
those two guns of yours and
stick them right up your ass!"
Top
Second version
Subj: Young
Gunfighter Gets Advice (S189, S452b)
From: thebartend on 09/12/2000
and
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/30/2005
The young dude in the Old West
wanted to be the fastest gun-
fighter alive. Sitting
in a saloon one night, he spotted an
old graybeard who had the reputation
of having been the
greatest gunslinger of his day.
The kid sidled up to the
old man and told him of his
dream. The ancient legend looked
him up and down and said, "I
got a suggestion that's sure to
help."
"Tell me, tell me!" said the
newbie.
"Tie the bottom of your holster
lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better
gunfighter?"
"You damn betcha" said the old
man.
The kid did as he was told, drew
his gun, and neatly shot
the bow tie off the piano player.
"Wow, that really helped! Got
any more suggestions?"
"Yeah: If'n you cut a notch
in the top of your holster
where the hammer hits, the
gun'll slide out a lot smoother."
"Will that make me a better
gunfighter?"
"You damn betcha"
The dude did as he was told,
then draw his gun and,
lightning quick, shot a cufflink
off the piano player.
"This is really helping me out!
Is there anything else
you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said the old-timer.
"Get that can of
axle grease over there in the
corner and rub it all over
your gun" The fellow
didn't hesitate and immediately
started smearing the grease
on the gun barrel.
"No, no, the whole gun," said
the graybeard. "Handle
and everything."
"Will that make me a better
gunfighter?"
"Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt
Earp gets done playing
that bar piano, he's gonna
shove that gun up your ass,
and this way it won't hurt
so much."
\\\//
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Subj: Cowboy
Kisses Horses Ass (S25, S445)
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/26/2005
At: http://snipurl.com/ggus
An old cowhand came riding into
town on a hot, dry, dusty
day. The local sheriff
watched from his chair in front of
the saloon as the cowboy wearily
dismounted and tied his
horse to the rail. The
cowboy then moved slowly to the back
of his horse, lifted its tail,
and placed a big kiss where
the sun don't shine. He
dropped the horse's tail, stepped
up on the walk and aimed toward
the swinging doors of the
saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said
the sheriff. "Did I just see
what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
Version II
There were two church-going women
gossiping in front of the
store when a dusty old cowboy
rode up. He tied up in front
of the saloon, walked around
behind his horse, lifted its
tail and kissed the horse full
on its rectum.
Repulsed, one of the women asked,
"That's disgusting, why
did you do THAT?"
To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"
"No, but it stops me from licking them!"
\\\//
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Subj: Boy
Sees His First Cowboy (S167)
From: ipkis on 97-11-22
A man and his son recently moved
to Texas. One Saturday
afternoon they decided to take
a walk through the park.
During the walk the boy sees
2 cowboys walk by.
"Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"
The father is surprised by this
and tells his son that that
is not very nice language to
use.
A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys
walk by and again the
boy yells, "Dad, look at thoses
bow legged bastards!"
The father, quite upset now turns
to his son and says, "I
told you not to say that and
I do not want to hear it
again, or else."
just a few minutes go by and
another pair of cowboys
walk by and once again the child
yells, "Dad, look at those
bow-legged bastards!"
"Thats it!" the father yells,
and takes the child home and
locks him in his room with the
complete works of Shakespeare.
Two weeks later, he lets his
son out and notices that
he has taken to speaking like
Shakespeare wrote. This
impressed the father so he decided
to take his son out
for another walk through the
park.
As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.
The boy turns to his father and
says, "Father, what strange
men are these, whose balls hang
in parenthises?"
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Cowboy Jokes (S145)
| Subj: New York Sorority
Girl Visits Texas (S288b, S539c)
From: auntiegah on 8/5/2002 and From: SCOTCOB on 5/10/2007 |
 |
Top
Subj: Texan
Brags In Maine (S297)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 10/11/2002
There was a Texan visiting Maine.
Every time the Maine
folks would point out something
great in their state like
their rocky shores, change of
color in autim, the Texan
would come back with how Texas
was some how better.
Annoyed, the Maine guide put
a one of their famous 50
pound lobsters in the Texans
bed. When the Texan went
to bed, he srcreemed with surpuise
and every one came to
his room. The Texan asked
what that was.
The guy from Maine said that
was a Maine bed bug. The
Texan replied, "Oh, a
young one.".
Top
Subj: Will
Rogers Quotations (S296b, S375)
From: Puneet385 on 10/5/2002
and
From: Imogenelumen on 4/5/2004
(See 'Rural Wisdom' in FARMER2)
Will Rogers, who died in a plane
crash with Wylie Post
in 1935, was probably the greatest
political sage this
country has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories
to arguing with a woman...
neither
works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to
double your money is to fold it
and
put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds
of men: The ones that learn by
reading.
The few who learn by observation. The rest
of
them have to pee on the electric fence and find
out
for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes
from experience, and a lot of
that
comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead
of the herd, take a look back
every
now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta
the bag is a whole lot easier'n
puttin'
it back.
12. After eating an entire
bull, a mountain lion felt so
good
he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter
came
along and shot him. The moral: When you're full
of
bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach
a point when you stop
lying about your age and start
bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the
fewer things seem worth
waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn
back their odometers. Not
me, I want people to know "why"
I look this way. I've
traveled a long way and some
of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go
back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting
old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got
over the hill without
getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things
no one tells you about
aging is that it is such a nice
change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until
evening to see how splendid
the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed
and beat the ground with
sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn
to laugh at trouble, you
won't have anything to laugh
at when you are old.
Other Will Rogers Quotes
I would rather be the man who
bought the Brooklyn Bridge
than the man who sold it.
-- Will Rogers
Nothing you can't spell will ever work. -- Will Rogers
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/16/2002 (S298b)
If Stupidity got us into this
mess, then why can't
it get us out? -- Will
Rogers (1879-1935)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/30/2002
(S287b)
Even if you're on the right
track, you'll get run over
if you just sit there.
-- Will Rogers
From: LABLaughs.com on 11/11/2002 (S302b)
"Politics has become so expensive
that it takes a
lot of money to even be defeated."
-- Will Rogers
From: igiggle on 4/6/2003 (S323b)
Diplomacy is the art of saying
"nice doggie" until
you can find a rock. --
Will Rogers
From: woneye on 4/17/2003 (S326)
I don't make jokes. I just watch
the government and report
the acts. -- Will Rogers
From: igiggle on 6/6/2004 (S384b)
I always like to hear a man
talk about himself because
then I never hear anything but
good. -- Will Rogers
From: igiggle on 2/9/2005 (S420b)
Everything is funny as long
as it is happening to
somebody else. -- Will
Rogers (1879 - 1935)
From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2005 (S460b)
We could certainly slow the
aging process down if it had
to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/9/2006
(S485b)
"Be thankful we're not getting
all the government
we're paying for." --
Will Rogers
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/1/2006 (S302b)
"You can't say that civilization
don't advance, however,
for in every war they kill
you in a new way. "
Will Rogers (1879 - 1935),
New York Times, Dec. 23, 1929
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/1/2006 (S516b)
There's no trick to being a
humorist when you have the
whole government working for
you. -- Will Rogers
Also see 'Rogers
On College' in COLLEGE2
.........'Rogers
On Dogs' in DOGS3
.........'Rogers
On Crime' in JUDGE
.........'Rogers
On Laywers' in LAWYERS2
.........'Rogers
On Learning' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED-SUPP
.........'Rogers
On Government' in POLITICAL1
"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
Three cowboys were hanging out
in the bunkhouse. "I know
that smart aleck Tex," said
the first. "He's going to
start bragging about that new
foreign car he bought as
soon as he gets back."
"Not Tex," the second cowboy
replied, "He'll always be
just a good ol' boy. When
he walks in, I'm sure all he'll
say is hello."
"I know Tex better than either
of you," said the third.
"He's so smart, he'll figure
out a way to do both. Here he
comes now." Tex swung open the
bunkhouse door and shouted,
"Audi, partners!"
From: auntieg on 98-02-12
A three-legged dog walks into
a saloon in the Old West. He
sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the
man who shot my paw."
From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
God may have created man, but
samuel colt made 'em equal
-- Robert Calmes
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/7/2001 (S229)
" I don't like country music,
but I don't mean to denigrate
those who do. And for
the people who like country music,
denigrate means 'put down' "-Bob
Newhart
Q: How can you tell if a cowboy
is queer?
A: His horn is in the middle
of his saddle.
Q: What's the difference between
a straight rodeo, and
a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo, they
shout "RIDE THAT SUCKER !"
Q: What's the true definition
of a REAL TEXAN?
A: A Mexican on his way to Oklahoma.
Q: Why do all Texans have 2"
balls?
A: So they can tow each others
trailers.
Q: Why do cowboys make poor lovers?
A: Because they think eight
seconds is a good ride.
Q: How are a Texas tornado and
a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #297 - Quickies!
on 4/18/99
Q: Do you know how West Virginians
practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the
back of the animals that kick.
\\\//
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 |
Smiley on the Bucking Machine
from
Smiley_Central |