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Subj:     Cowboy Jokes
                 (Includes 74 jokes and articles, 22858n,5,cf,md5v,2)

Cowboy Sings
from
Accent on Animation
Includes the following:  30 Great Westerns (S471)
.........................Texan Stops Jumper (S282)
.........................Buying Cowboy Boots (S215, S858)
.........................It's So Hot In Texas That...
.........................Ripleys - Believe It Or Not! (S617b)
.........................Cowboy Gets Three Wishes From A Snake (S120, S565)
.........................A Cowboy's Guide (S91, S382)
.........................Two Texans And A Choking Lady (S89, S599)
.........................Cowboy In A Bar Has His Horse Stolen (S167, S389b)
.........................Cowboy And Lesbian In A Bar (S60, S336)
.........................The Lesbian Cowboy - Video (S693, S823)
.........................Two Texans, Two Nuns, And A Football Game
.........................Do-It-Yourself Country And Western Song (S43)
.........................Cowboy And His Horse (S145, S826)
.........................Texas Limousine (S398b)
.........................Cowboy And Barnyard Pig
.........................Indian Tells Time (S04)
.........................Cowboy And Cowgirl On Their Honeymoon (S191)
.........................Texan And His Bride Get A Room (S188)
.........................Cowboy And The Epileptic Bride (S188)
.........................Ventriloquist Cowboy And The Rancher (S167, S552)
.........................Paper Cowboy (S145)
.........................Three Cowboys Tell Tall Tales (S51)
.........................Masterson Teaches A Young Gunfighter
.........................Young Gunfighter Gets Advice (S189, S462)
.........................Cowboy Kisses Horses Ass (S25, S612c)
.........................Boy Sees His First Cowboy (S167)
.........................Short Cowboy Jokes (S145)
..............................New York Sorority Girl Visits Texas (S288b, S539c)
..............................Texan Brags In Maine (S297)
..............................Will Rogers Quotations (S296b, S684b)

Also see ALLIGATOR    - 'Texas Alligator'
         BIRDS file   - 'Two Woodpeckers Argue'
         BLACK1 file  - 'A Cowboy, An Indian And A Black'
         BREAST file  - 'New Bra Invented In Texas'
         CARS3 file   - 'Final Words Before Crashes'
         CLOTHING file- 'Two Cajuns Buy Cloths In Texas'
......................- 'Texan Buys A City Suit'
         CONDOM file  - 'Cowboy Goes Shopping'
         COWS-SHEEP   - 'Shepherd Makes A Bet'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Three Texas Surgeons Brag'
         FARMER2 file - 'Rural Wisdom'
         GENIE file   - 'The IRS Genie'
......................- 'Tonto, The Indian Genie'
         GRAVEYARD    - 'Montana Rancher Dies'
         HANDICAPPED  - 'Blind Man Has Beer At Texas Bar'
         HEAVEN file  - 'A Texan Dies And Goes To Heaven'
         HORSE file   - 'Man Checks Horses Before Buying'
         IRISH1 file  - 'Texan In An Irish Pub'
         JEWISH2 file - 'Old Jew Helps Wagon Train'
         MATH4 file   - 'Three Guys Rent A Room'
         MOVIES-ETC   - 'Man Sleeps In Theater'
         NATIONAL_STAT- 'Texas Talk Translated To English'
......................- 'Texas'
.........NAT-AMERICANS- 'Captured By Indians'
...................... (INDIANS - see whole file)
         OBAMA file   - 'Bizarro Comic Strip'
         PENIS2 file  - 'Texan Has A Baby'
         POETRY file  - 'Reincarnation, By Wallace McRae'
         PROFESSOR    - 'Professor Discusses Emotional Extremes'
         REDNECK1 file-  (See whole file)
         REDNECK2 file-  (See whole file)
         REDNECK3 file-  (See whole file)
         SEX3 file    - 'What's Rodeo Sex?'
         SPERM file   - 'Tonto And Lone Ranger Are Lost'
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'Helping A Lady On The Bus'
         WAITER file  - 'Cold Chili'
         WORDJOKES1   - 'Lone Ranger And Tonto In A Bar'

..Made from LegendsOfAmerica and Metal-Art.us
Subj:     30 Great Westerns (S471)
          From: igiggle
          on 1/22/2006
 Source: http://www.imagesjournal.com/issue10/infocus/

 The author describes the 30 greatest westerns.  These are
 the Westerns that any fan of the genre should know. These
 are some of the most influential and important Westerns
 ever made.  To read these descriptions, go to the source
 above.

..Top
Subj:     Texan Stops Jumper (S282)
          From: thebartend on 6/28/2002

 A Texan went into the big city up North for the first time.

 After strolling around the downtown area for a while,
 he happened to look up and see a man at the top of a
 tall building. The man looked like he was ready to jump
 off.

 Concerned about the man's fate, the Texan immediately
 started thinking of things he could tell the man so
 that he would want to live and would not jump.

 "Remember your wife," yelled the Texan. "She divorced
 me," said the man.

 "Remember your children," yelled the Texan. "They ran
 away," said the man.

 "Remember your parents," yelled the Texan. "They are
 dead," said the man.

 "Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan.

 "What is the Alamo?" inquired the man.

 "Jump, you Yankee Sumbitch!" replied the Texan.

..Top
Subj:     Buying Cowboy Boots (S215, S858)
          From: ICohen on 3/13/2001
      and From: tom on 6/18/2013
 (Also see 'Sam Buys A Pair Of Alligator Shoes' in ALLIGATOR
       and 'Sam Buys A Pair Of Boots' in ELDERLY1)

 An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.  Sam always
 wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.  Seeing some on
 sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
 He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice
 anything different, Bessie?"

 Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

 Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look.
 Notice anything different about me?"

 Bessie looks again, "Nope."

 Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses,
 and walks back into the room completely naked except for
 his boots.  Again, he asks, a little louder this time,
 "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

 Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different?
 It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
 it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

 Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING
 DOWN, BESSIE?  IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING
 AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

 Without missing a beat Bessie replied, "Shoulda bought
 a hat, Bert.  Shoulda bought a hat.

..Top
Subj:     It's So Hot In Texas That......
          From: RFSlick on 7/22/99

 "It's So Hot In Texas That......"

 *The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of
 the ground.

 *The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do
 to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt
 and pepper.

 *Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep
 them from laying hard boiled eggs.

 =================================

 "It's So Dry In Texas That..."

 *The cows are giving evaporated milk.

 *The trees are whistling for the dogs.

 *A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so
  much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."

 *A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out
  here?"  A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does.  Do
  you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for
  40 days and 40 nights?"  The visitor replied,  "Yes,
  I'm familiar with Noah's flood."  "Well," the rancher
  puffed up, we got about two and a half inches of that."

 ======================================

 "You Know You're In Texas When..."

 *You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

 *You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

 *You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

 *You can make instant sun tea.

 *You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

 *The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

 *You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers
  to drive your car.

 *You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

 *You notice the best parking place is determined by shade
  instead of distance.

 *Hot water now comes out of both taps.

 *It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not
  one person is out on the streets.

 *You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

 *You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
  before work.

 *No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car
  or not having air conditioning.

 *Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked
  out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

 *You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

..Top
(S617b in Anagrams)
     by John Graziano
     From: Comics.com on 9/26/2008
 Source: http://www.comics.com/comics/ripleys/index.html
 
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..Top
Subj:     Cowboy Gets Three Wishes From A Snake (S120, S565)
          From: thebartend on 5/17/99

 It was spring in the old west.  The cowboys rode the still
 snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the
 winter.  As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail,
 it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring
 sunshine.  The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun
 to shoot the snake.

 "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot.  I'm
 an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll
 give you any three wishes you want."

 The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely
 out of the snake's striking range.  He said, "OK, first, I'd
 like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build
 like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual
 equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

 The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the
 bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

 The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed
 all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and
 went straight inside to the mirror.  Staring back at him in
 the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.  He ripped the shirt
 off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just
 like Arnold Schwarzenegger's.  Really excited now, he tore
 down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...

 "My God, I was riding the mare!"

..Top
Subj:     A Cowboy's Guide (S91, S382)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #221 on 98-09-19

 Don't squat with your spurs on.
 Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
 Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
 The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm.
    The colder it  gets, the harder it is to swaller.
 If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is
    stop diggin'.
 If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
 It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
 The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with
    watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
 Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
 If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
    try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
 Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew;
    your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
 Always drink upstream from the herd.
 Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.
 Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it
    are two entirely different propositions.
 If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back
    every now and then  to make sure it's still there with ya.
 Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that
    comes from bad judgment.
 When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or
    to a person,  don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
 When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it
    thrown around by somebody else.
 Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
    than puttin' it  back.
 Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not
    so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to
    know what it was.
 The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over
    and put it back  into your pocket.
 Never miss a good chance to shut up.

..Top
Subj:     Two Texans And A Choking Lady (S89, S599)
          From: RBishop707 on 98-10-14
      and From: Grampsboyd on 2/4/2004
          (Also see 'Two Bosnian Doctors' in DOCTORS1)

 Two Texans walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from
 their throats.  They stand at the bar, drinking their beers
 and talking quietly about cattle prices.  Suddenly a woman at
 a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins
 to cough.  After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she
 is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

 "Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.

 No, the woman shakes her head.

 "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

 The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No
 again.

 The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her
 skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue
 from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This
 shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies
 out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

 The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of
 his beer.  His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that
 there Hind Lick Maneuver, but, I never seen anybody do it."

..Top
Subj:     Cowboy In A Bar Has His Horse Stolen (S167, S389b)
          From: ossama on 98-05-05
      and From: Anonymous Jr on July 5,2004

 A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
 Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on
 strangers, which he was.  When he finished his drink, he found
 his horse had been stolen.

 He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air,
 catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot
 into the ceiling.

 "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with
 surprising forcefulness.

 No one answered.

 "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS
 AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN
 IN TEXAS!  AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

 Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

 He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!
 He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

 The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner,
 before you go... what happened in Texas?"

 The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

..Top
Subj:     Cowboy And Lesbian In A Bar (S60, S336)
          From: auntieg on 98-03-21
      and From: szalay on 6/30/2003
          (See 'Two Lesbians In A Bar' fron BAR1)

 An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,
 spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.  As he
 sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to
 him.  After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy
 and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"  To which he replied,
 "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows,
 breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."

 After a short while he asked her what she was.  She replied,
 "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a
 lesbian.  I spend my whole day thinking about women.  As
 soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat,
 shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

 A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another
 drink.  A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a
 real cowboy?"  To which he replied, "I always thought I was,
 but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

..Top
Subj:     The Lesbian Cowboy (S693, S823d)
          From: tom
          on 4/27/2010
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vm2jPM4ee8

 This video clip is a scene from the movie Cowboy (2008).
 Lost in the urban jungle of Manhattan, a cowboy discovers
 that sometimes things aren't always what they seem.
 Matthew Modine, the actor from 'Full Metal Jacket',
 acts in a funny bar scene!  Click on the above source,
 or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this video of a famous, old joke.

..Top
Subj:     Two Texans, Two Nuns, And A Football Game
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #222 on 98-01-14

 At a football game two Texans were seated behind two nuns.
 One Texan said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to
 Dallas.  There are only ten Catholics there."

 His buddy replied, "I can't wait to get back to Houston.
 There are only five Catholics there."

 Finally, one of the nuns commented, "You both should go to
 Hell!  There aren't any Catholics there!"

..Top
Subj:     Do-It-Yourself Country And Western Song (S43)
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page
          (See 'How To Sing The Blues!' in MUSIC)

 I met her __________    _____;  I can still recall _________
              (1)         (2)                          (3)
 1.                    2.                    3.
 on the highway        in September          that purple dress
 in Sheboygan          at McDonald's         that little hat
 outside Fresno        ridin' shotgun        that burlap bra
 at a truck stop       wrestlin' gators      those training pants
 on probation          all hunched over      the stolen goods
 in a jail cell        poppin' uppers        that plastic nose
 in a nightmare        sort of pregnant      the Stassin pin
 incognito             with joggers          the neon sign
 in the Stone Age      stoned on oatmeal     that creepy smile
 in a treehouse        with Merv Griffin     the hearing aid
 in a gay bar          dead all over         the boxer shorts

 she wore; She was ______  _____,
                    (4)     (5)
 4.                                  5
 sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight
 drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her
 weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp
 breakin' out with acne              near Poughkeepsie
 crawlin' through the prairie        with her cobra
 smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me
 crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
 chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
 talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
 drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback
 slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu

 and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
              (6)      (7)         (8)
 6.                                   7.
 no guy would ever love her more      I promised her
 that she would be an easy score      I knew deep down
 she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if
 that she would be a crashing bore    I told her shrink
 I'd never rate her more than "4"     The judge declared
 they'd hate her guts in Baltimore    My Pooh Bear said
 it was a raven, nothing more         I shrieked in pain
 we really lost the last World War    The painters knew
 I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said
 what strong deodorants were for      My hamster thought
 that she was rotten to the core      The blood test showed
 that I would upchuck on the floor    Her rabbi said

 She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
               (9)                                 (10)

 8.                9.                            10.
 stay with her     our love would never die      run off
 warp her mind     there was no other guy        wind up
 swear off booze   man wasn't meant to fly       boogie
 change my sex     that Nixon didn't lie         yodel
 punch her out     her basset hound was shy      sky dive
 live off her      that Rolaids made her high    turn green
 have my rash      she'd have a swiss on rye     freak out
 stay a dwarf      she loved my one blue eye     blast off
 hate her dog      her brother's name was Hy     make it
 pick my nose      she liked "Spy vs. Spy"       black out
 play "Go Fish"    that birthdays made her cry   bobsled
 salivate          she couldn't stand my tie     grovel

 ___________; _________ goodbye.
    (11)         (12)

 11.                       12.
 with my best friend       You'd think at least that she'd have said
 in my Edsel               I never had the chance to say
 on a surfboard            She told her fat friend Grace to say
 on "The Gong Show"        I now can kiss my credit cards
 with her dentist          I guess I was too smashed to say
 on her "Workmate"         I watched her melt away and sobbed
 with a robot              She fell beneath the wheels and cried
 with no clothes on        She sent a hired thug to say
 at her health club        She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
 in her Maytag             I pushed her off the bridge and waved
 with her guru             But that's the way that pygmies say
 while in labor           She sealed me in the vault and smirked

..Top
Subj:     Cowboy And His Horse (S145, S826)
          From: mbucher on 6/23/2002
      and From: darrelldre on 11/9/2012

 A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their
 camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You
 going to die.  But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day
 for three days. On sundown of third day, you die.  What is
 first wish?"  The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."  The
 Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and
 whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass.  The horse
 takes off.  Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked
 blonde.  She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with
 the cowboy.  The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical
 white man - can only think of one thing."

 The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"  The
 cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."  The Indians bring
 him his horse.  The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers
 something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.  Two
 hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead.  She
 gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.  The Indians
 shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die
 tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

 The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish,
 white man.  What you want?"  The cowboy says, "I want to see my
 horse again."  The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy
 grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read
 my lips!  POSSE, damn it!  P-O-S-S-E!"

..Top
Subj:     Texas Limousine (S398b)
          From: Gutterville.Co.Za on 9/8/04
          At: www.gutterville.co.za/displaycontent.asp?rowid=22
..............?contenttypeid=2?refpg=displaycontent.asp
          (See 'Second Texas Limo' in Cowboy2)
 
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..Top
Subj:     Cowboy And Barnyard Pig
          From: Playboy February 1997

 A lonesome cowboy wandered into a remote town and headed for
 the saloon.  He asked the bartender where he could find a
 woman, and was told, "Ain't no women for miles, but there's
 a barnyard out back."

 Disgisted, the cowboy swore he would never stoop to such a
 thing.  But the next night he got too lonely.  He went out
 to the barn and spotted a cute little pig.  He took her to
 his room, gave her a bath, groomed her, and put pink ribbons
 behind her ears.  Tucking the animal under his arm, he walked
 into the saloon, where dozens of other cowpokes sat with all
 sorts of animals at their tables.  But as he took a seat, a
 hush fell over the room.  "What's wrong? the dude asked,
 looking around.  "Y'all are doing the same thing!"

 "Yeah, someone said from the back of the room, "but we sure
 ain't doin' it with the sheriff's gall."

..Top
Subj:     Indian Tells Time (S04)

 A cowboy was riding in the planes one day when he came across
 a Indian stark naked lying flat on his back with a hard on.
 The cowboy asked him what he was doing. The Indian replied
 "I'm telling time."  The cowboy asked him what time it was.
 The Indian replied "it's 11:45."  After looking as his pocket
 watch, the cowboy replied "you're right"

 A little while latter the cowboy came across another Indian
 stark naked lying flat on his back with a hard on.  The
 Cowboy again asked him what he was doing.  He replied "I'm
 telling time"  The cowboy asked him what time it was.  The
 Indian replied "it's 1:15".  The cowboy looked as his pocket
 watch and said "you're right".

 A short while latter the same cowboy came across a Indian
 stark naked lying on the ground jacking off.  The cowboy
 asked him what he was doing.  He replied "I'm winding my
 watch"

..Top
Subj:     Cowboy And Cowgirl On Their Honeymoon (S191)
          From: thebartend on 9/28/00

 One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married.
 After the wedding they left for their honeymoon.  While
 driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having
 sex.  The new bride asks with a sly grin, "What are they
 doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She
 replies, "Oh, I see!" while trying to hide her knowing
 expression.

 After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses
 having sex.  Again the bride asks, "What are they doing
 honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies,
 "Oh, I see!"

 Finally they arrive at their hotel.  The couple washed up
 and started to get ready for bed.  When they got in the
 bed, they started to explore each others body.  The bride
 discovers her husbands penis.

 "What is that?" she asks.

 "That's my rope," he answers.

 She slides her hands down further and gasps,

 "What are those?" she asks

 "They're my knots," he answers.

 Finally the couple begins to make love.  After several
 minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!

 Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting
 you?"

 "No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope.

..Top
Subj:     Texan And His Bride Get A Room (S188)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/08/2000

 A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room,
 telling him they just got married that morning.

 "Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he
 asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"

 "Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold
 her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it.

..Top
Subj:     Cowboy And The Epileptic Bride (S188)

 The bronc rider carried his bride over the threshold into the
 honeymoon suite.  They had taken off all their clothes and
 jumped in bed, when suddenly the girl began to jerk and twitch.
 "What's the matter, baby?" the man asked.

 She was now shivering all over.  "I'm having an epileptic fit!"
 she finally managed to say.

 "Oh hell! I gotta do something about this?" the cowboy said,
 thinking quickly.  He picked up the hotel phone and called the
 bell captain for help.  Four bellhops soon came rushing into
 the room.  "Quick! Grab her arms and hold her down!" the cowboy
 shouted to two of them.  To the other two, he directed, "Grab
 her legs--hold her tight!" Hopping astraddle her, he shouted
 to the straining bellhops, "Okay, fellas, cut her loose!"

..Top
Subj:     Ventriloquist Cowboy And The Rancher (S167, S552)
          From: Imogenelumen on 3/28/2004
      and From: AFine963 on 8/13/2007

 A ventriloquist cowboy walked into a ranch and saw a rancher
 sitting on his porch with his dog:
 Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
 Rancher: This dog don't talk!
 Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
 Dog: Doin alright
 Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
 Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
 Dog: Yep.
 Cowboy: How's he treat you?
 Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
      and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
 Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
 Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
 Rancher: Horses don't talk!
 Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin?
 Horse: Cool.
 Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
 Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
 Horse: Yep.
 Cowboy: How's he treat you?
 Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
        brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
        protect me from the elements.
 Rancher: (total look of amazement)
 Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
 Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk).....
          Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!

..Top
Subj:     Paper Cowboy (S145)
          From BEN'S JOKE PAGE

 A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered
 a beer.  The regulars quietly observed the drifter through
 half-closed eyelids.  No one spoke, but they all noticed that
 the strangers hat was made of brown wrapping paper.  Less
 obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of
 paper.  As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including
 the paper spurs.  Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and
 bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.

 Of course he was soon arrested for rustling...

..Top
Subj:     Three Cowboys Tell Tall Tales (S51)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
          (Also see 'Three Rednecks By The Camp Fire' in REDNECK3)

 Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lone-
 some prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are
 famous. A night of tall tales begins.

 The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there
 is.  Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral
 and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the
 horns, with my bare hands."

 The second can't stand to be bested.  "Why that's nothing. I
 was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot
 rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I
 grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and
 sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

 The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals
 with his penis.

..Top
Subj:     Masterson Teaches A Young Gunfighter
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

 It's 1860. The decade of gunslingers and gentlemen.  This is
 a true story of one such young man that wanted more than
 anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in
 the west.

 The place was Deadman, Kansas in the Sawdust saloon.  The
 young man walked into the Sawdust saloon and to his surprise
 he saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker.  The
 young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would
 like to be a gunslinger just like you.  Could you give me
 some tips?"

 Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and
 said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it
 could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and
 let me take a look at you."

 The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good.
 You're wearing black, you've got two pearl handled guns with
 waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger.  But what's
 more important son is, can you shoot?"

 The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew
 his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot
 the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.

 Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you
 shoot with your left hand?"

 Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn
 the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off
 of the piano player's left shirt sleeve.  Very proud of him-
 self the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter
 and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson.

 Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That
 was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do much better than
 that myself, but I do have one good tip for you."

 "What's that?" the boy asked.

 "Well," Masterson said, "I suggest that you go to the kitchen
 and ask the cook for a large can of lard.  Then take both guns
 of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."

 Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do
 that.  Masterson put his cards down for the second time,
 leaned back in his chair and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp
 gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take
 those two guns of yours and stick them right up your ass!"

Top
Second version
Subj:     Young Gunfighter Gets Advice (S189, S452b)
          From: thebartend on 09/12/2000
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/30/2005

 The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gun-
 fighter alive.  Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an
 old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the
 greatest gunslinger of his day.  The kid sidled up to the
 old man and told him of his dream.  The ancient legend looked
 him up and down and said, "I got a suggestion that's sure to
 help."

 "Tell me, tell me!" said the newbie.
 "Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg."
 "Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
 "You damn betcha" said the old man.

 The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot
 the bow tie off the piano player.

 "Wow, that really helped! Got any more suggestions?"
 "Yeah: If'n you cut a notch in the top of your holster
  where the hammer hits, the gun'll slide out a lot smoother."
 "Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
 "You damn betcha"

 The dude did as he was told, then draw his gun and,
 lightning quick, shot a cufflink off the piano player.

 "This is really helping me out! Is there anything else
  you can share with me?"

 "One more thing," said the old-timer. "Get that can of
  axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over
  your gun"  The fellow didn't hesitate and immediately
  started smearing the grease on the gun barrel.

 "No, no, the whole gun," said the graybeard. "Handle
  and everything."
 "Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

 "Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing
  that bar piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass,
  and this way it won't hurt so much."

..Top
Subj:     Cowboy Kisses Horses Ass (S25, S612c)
          From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 7/26/2005 and 9/30/2008
          At: http://snipurl.com/ggus
          (See 'Old Prospector Comes To Town' in Cowboy2)

 An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty
 day.  The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of
 the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his
 horse to the rail.  The cowboy then moved slowly to the back
 of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where
 the sun don't shine.  He dropped the horse's tail, stepped
 up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the
 saloon.

 "Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see
 what I think I saw?"

 "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

 "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

 "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

Version II

 There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the
 store when a dusty old cowboy rode up.  He tied up in front
 of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its
 tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

 Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why
 did you do THAT?"

 To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

 Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

 "No, but it stops me from licking them!"

..Top
Subj:     Boy Sees His First Cowboy (S167)
          From: ipkis on 97-11-22

 A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday
 afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park.
 During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.

 "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"

 The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that
 is not very nice language to use.

 A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the
 boy yells, "Dad, look at thoses bow legged bastards!"

 The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, "I
 told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it
 again, or else."

 just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys
 walk by and once again the child yells, "Dad, look at those
 bow-legged bastards!"

 "Thats it!" the father yells, and takes the child home and
 locks him in his room with the complete works of  Shakespeare.

 Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that
 he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This
 impressed the father so he decided to take his son out
 for another walk through the park.

 As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.

 The boy turns to his father and says, "Father, what strange
 men are these, whose balls hang in parenthises?"

..
Subj:     Short Cowboy Jokes (S145)
 

Top
Subj:  New York Sorority Girl Visits Texas 
       From: auntiegah on 8/5/2002 (S288b, S539c)
   and From: SCOTCOB on 5/10/2007
 You can view this cute joke with pictures on my web site
 by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Texan Brags In Maine (S297)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 10/11/2002
 There was a Texan visiting Maine.  Every time the Maine
 folks would point out something great in their state like
 their rocky shores, change of color in autim,  the Texan
 would come back with how Texas was some how better.

 Annoyed, the Maine guide put a one of their famous 50
 pound lobsters in the Texans bed.  When the Texan went
 to bed, he srcreemed with surpuise and every one came to
 his room.  The Texan asked what that was.

 The guy from Maine said that was a Maine bed bug.  The
 Texan replied,  "Oh, a young one.".
 

Top
Subj:     Will Rogers Quotations (S296b, S684b)
          From: Puneet385 on 10/5/2002
      and From: tom on 2/22/2010
          (See 'Rural Wisdom' in FARMER2)

 Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post
 in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this
 country has ever known.  Enjoy the following:

  1.  Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

  2.  Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

  3.  There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...
      neither works.

  4.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.

  5.  Always drink upstream from the herd.

  6.  If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

  7.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
      and put it back in your pocket.

  8.  There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by
      reading.  The few who learn by observation.  The rest
      of them have to pee on the electric fence and find
      out for themselves.

  9.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of
      that comes from bad judgment.

 10.  If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back
      every now and then to make sure it's still there.

 11.  Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n
      puttin' it back.

 12.  After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so
      good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter
      came along and shot him.  The moral: When you're full
      of bull, keep your mouth shut.

 ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

 First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop
 lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth
 waiting in line for.

 Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not
 me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.  I've
 traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

 Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go
 back to youth, think of Algebra.

 Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything
 either dries up or leaks.

 Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without
 getting to the top.

 Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about
 aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

 Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid
 the day has been.

 Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

 Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with
 sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf.

 And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you
 won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

 Other Will Rogers Quotes

 I would rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge
 than the man who sold it.  --  Will Rogers

 Nothing you can't spell will ever work.  --  Will Rogers

From: LABLaughs.com on 10/16/2002 (S298b)
 If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't
 it get us out?  -- Will Rogers (1879-1935)

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/30/2002 (S287b)
 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over
 if you just sit there.  -- Will Rogers

From: LABLaughs.com on 11/11/2002 (S302b)
 "Politics has become so expensive that it takes a
 lot of money to even be defeated."  -- Will Rogers

From: igiggle on 4/6/2003 (S323b)
 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until
 you can find a rock.  -- Will Rogers

From: woneye on 4/17/2003 (S326)
 I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report
 the acts.  -- Will Rogers

From: igiggle on 6/6/2004 (S384b)
 I always like to hear a man talk about himself because
 then I never hear anything but good.  -- Will Rogers

From: igiggle on 2/9/2005 (S420b)
 Everything is funny as long as it is happening to
 somebody else.  -- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2005 (S460b)
 We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had
 to work its way through Congress.  -- Will Rogers

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/9/2006 (S485b)
 "Be thankful we're not getting all the government
  we're paying for."  -- Will Rogers

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/1/2006 (S302b)
 "You can't say that civilization don't advance, however,
  for in every war they kill you in a new way. "
  Will Rogers (1879 - 1935), New York Times, Dec. 23, 1929

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/1/2006 (S516b)
 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the
 whole government working for you.  -- Will Rogers

Also see 'Rogers On College' in COLLEGE2
.........'Rogers On Dogs' in DOGS3
.........'Rogers On Horses' in HORSES
.........'Rogers On Crime' in JUDGE
.........'Rogers On Laywers' in LAWYERS2
.........'Rogers On Learning' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED-SUPP
.........'Rogers On Success' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED-SUPP
.........'Rogers On Government' in POLITICAL1
 

 "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
 Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know
 that smart aleck Tex," said the first.  "He's going to
 start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as
 soon as he gets back."

 "Not Tex," the second cowboy replied, "He'll always be
 just a good ol' boy.  When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll
 say is hello."

 "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third.
 "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he
 comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted,
 "Audi, partners!"

From: auntieg on 98-02-12
 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He
 sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the
 man who shot my paw."

From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
 God may have created man, but samuel colt made 'em equal
   -- Robert Calmes

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/7/2001 (S229)
 " I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate
 those who do.  And for the people who like country music,
 denigrate means 'put down' "-Bob Newhart
 

 Q: How can you tell if a cowboy is queer?
 A: His horn is in the middle of his saddle.

 Q: What's the difference between a straight rodeo, and
    a gay rodeo?
 A: At a straight rodeo, they shout "RIDE THAT SUCKER !"

 Q: What's the true definition of a REAL TEXAN?
 A: A Mexican on his way to Oklahoma.

 Q: Why do all Texans have 2" balls?
 A: So they can tow each others trailers.

 Q: Why do cowboys make poor lovers?
 A: Because they think eight seconds is a good ride.

 Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
 A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #297 - Quickies! on 4/18/99
 Q: Do you know how West Virginians practice safe sex?
 A: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

..
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,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Bucking Machine from Smiley_Central.
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