Subj: Cowboy Jokes
(Includes 74 jokes and articles, 14930n,5,cf,md5v,2)
Accent on Animation
Also see ALLIGATOR
- 'Texas Alligator'
BIRDS file - 'Two Woodpeckers Argue'
BLACK1 file - 'A Cowboy, An Indian And A Black'
BREAST file - 'New Bra Invented In Texas'
CARS3 file - 'Final Words Before Crashes'
CLOTHING file- 'Two Cajuns Buy Cloths In Texas'
......................- 'Texan Buys A City Suit'
CONDOM file - 'Cowboy Goes Shopping'
COWS-SHEEP - 'Shepherd Makes A Bet'
DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Three Texas Surgeons Brag'
FARMER2 file - 'Rural Wisdom'
GENIE file - 'The IRS Genie'
......................- 'Tonto, The Indian Genie'
GRAVEYARD - 'Montana Rancher Dies'
HANDICAPPED - 'Blind Man Has Beer At Texas Bar'
HEAVEN file - 'A Texan Dies And Goes To Heaven'
HORSE file - 'Man Checks Horses Before Buying'
IRISH1 file - 'Texan In An Irish Pub'
JEWISH2 file - 'Old Jew Helps Wagon Train'
LATIN_AMERICA- 'Paraguay Cowboy' - Photo
MATH4 file - 'Three Guys Rent A Room'
MOVIES-ETC - 'Man Sleeps In Theater'
NATIONAL_STAT- 'Texas Talk Translated To English'
.........NAT-AMERICANS- 'Captured By Indians'
......................- (INDIANS - see whole file)
OBAMA file - 'Bizarro Comic Strip'
PENIS2 file - 'Texan Has A Baby'
POETRY file - 'Reincarnation, By Wallace McRae'
PROFESSOR - 'Professor Discusses Emotional Extremes'
REDNECK1 file- (See whole file)
REDNECK2 file- (See whole file)
REDNECK3 file- (See whole file)
SEX3 file - 'What's Rodeo Sex?'
SPERM file - 'Tonto And Lone Ranger Are Lost'
TRUCK-BUS - 'Helping A Lady On The Bus'
WAITER file - 'Cold Chili'
WORDJOKES1 - 'Lone Ranger And Tonto In A Bar'
..Made from LegendsOfAmerica and Metal-Art.us
30 Great Westerns (S471)
The author describes the 30 greatest
westerns. These are
the Westerns that any fan of the genre should know. These
are some of the most influential and important Westerns
ever made. To read these descriptions, go to the source
Subj: Texan Stops Jumper (S282)
From: thebartend on 6/28/2002
A Texan went into the big city up North for the first time.
After strolling around the downtown
area for a while,
he happened to look up and see a man at the top of a
tall building. The man looked like he was ready to jump
Concerned about the man's fate,
the Texan immediately
started thinking of things he could tell the man so
that he would want to live and would not jump.
"Remember your wife," yelled
the Texan. "She divorced
me," said the man.
"Remember your children," yelled
the Texan. "They ran
away," said the man.
"Remember your parents," yelled
the Texan. "They are
dead," said the man.
"Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan.
"What is the Alamo?" inquired the man.
"Jump, you Yankee Sumbitch!" replied the Texan.
Subj: Buying Cowboy Boots (S215, S858)
From: ICohen on 3/13/2001
and From: tom on 6/18/2013
(Also see 'Sam Buys A Pair Of Alligator Shoes' in ALLIGATOR
and 'Sam Buys A Pair Of Boots' in ELDERLY1)
An elderly couple is vacationing
in the West. Sam always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on
sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice
anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on,
Bessie, take a good look.
Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into
the bathroom, undresses,
and walks back into the room completely naked except for
his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam,
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU
KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING
DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING
AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
Without missing a beat Bessie
replied, "Shoulda bought
a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.
Subj: It's So Hot In Texas That......
From: RFSlick on 7/22/99
"It's So Hot In Texas That......"
*The birds have to use pot holders
to pull worms out of
*The potatoes cook underground,
and all you have to do
to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt
*Farmers are feeding their chickens
crushed ice to keep
them from laying hard boiled eggs.
"It's So Dry In Texas That..."
*The cows are giving evaporated milk.
*The trees are whistling for the dogs.
*A sad Texan once prayed, "I
wish it would rain - not so
much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."
*A visitor to Texas once asked,
"Does it ever rain out
here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do
you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for
40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes,
I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher
puffed up, we got about two and a half inches of that."
"You Know You're In Texas When..."
*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
*You can make instant sun tea.
*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
*You discover that in July, it
takes only 2 fingers
to drive your car.
*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
*You notice the best parking
place is determined by shade
instead of distance.
*Hot water now comes out of both taps.
*It's noon in July, kids are
on summer vacation, and not
one person is out on the streets.
*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
*You break a sweat the instant
you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
*No one would dream of putting
vinyl upholstery in a car
or not having air conditioning.
*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear
is, "What if I get knocked
out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
(S617b in Anagrams)
by John Graziano
From: Comics.com on 9/26/2008
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still
snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the
winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail,
it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring
sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun
to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said
the snake, "don't shoot. I'm
an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll
give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a
chance. He knew he was safely
out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd
like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build
like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual
equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right,
when you get back to the
bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around
and galloped at full speed
all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and
went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in
the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt
off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just
like Arnold Schwarzenegger's. Really excited now, he tore
down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...
"My God, I was riding the mare!"
Subj: A Cowboy's Guide (S91, S382)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #221 on 98-09-19
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm.
The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is
If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with
watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew;
your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.
Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it
are two entirely different propositions.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back
every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that
comes from bad judgment.
When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or
to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it
thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not
so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to
know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over
and put it back into your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Subj: Two Texans And A Choking Lady (S89, S599)
From: RBishop707 on 98-10-14
and From: Grampsboyd on 2/4/2004
(Also see 'Two Bosnian Doctors' in DOCTORS1)
Two Texans walk into a roadhouse
to wash the trail dust from
their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers
and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at
a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she
is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.
No, the woman shakes her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn
a bit blue, shakes her head No
The first cowboy walks over to
her, lifts up the back of her
skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue
from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This
shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies
out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to
the bar and takes a drink of
his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that
there Hind Lick Maneuver, but, I never seen anybody do it."
Subj: Cowboy In A Bar Has His Horse Stolen (S167, S389b)
From: ossama on 98-05-05
and From: Anonymous Jr on July 5,2004
A cowboy rode into town and stopped
at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on
strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found
his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily
flips his gun into the air,
catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot
into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS
STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA
BEER, AND IF MY HOSS
AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN
IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside,
and his horse is back!
He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of
the bar and asks, "Say partner,
before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Subj: Cowboy And Lesbian In A Bar (S60, S336)
From: auntieg on 98-03-21
and From: szalay on 6/30/2003
(See 'Two Lesbians In A Bar' fron BAR1)
An old cowboy dressed to kill
with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,
spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he
sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to
him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy
and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied,
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows,
breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked
her what she was. She replied,
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a
lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat,
shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left
and the cowboy ordered another
drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a
real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
The Lesbian Cowboy (S693, S823d)
This video clip is a scene from
the movie Cowboy (2008).
Lost in the urban jungle of Manhattan, a cowboy discovers
that sometimes things aren't always what they seem.
Matthew Modine, the actor from 'Full Metal Jacket',
acts in a funny bar scene! Click on the above source,
or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this video of a famous, old joke.
Subj: Two Texans, Two Nuns, And A Football Game
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #222 on 98-01-14
At a football game two Texans
were seated behind two nuns.
One Texan said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to
Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there."
His buddy replied, "I can't wait
to get back to Houston.
There are only five Catholics there."
Finally, one of the nuns commented,
"You both should go to
Hell! There aren't any Catholics there!"
Subj: Do-It-Yourself Country And Western Song (S43)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
(See 'How To Sing The Blues!' in MUSIC)
I met her __________
_____; I can still recall _________
(1) (2) (3)
1. 2. 3.
on the highway in September that purple dress
in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat
outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra
at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants
on probation all hunched over the stolen goods
in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose
in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin
incognito with joggers the neon sign
in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile
in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid
in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts
she wore; She was ______
sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu
and I knew _______; _______ I'd
(6) (7) (8)
no guy would ever love her more I promised her
that she would be an easy score I knew deep down
she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if
that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink
I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said
it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain
we really lost the last World War The painters knew
I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said
what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought
that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed
that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said
She said to me ____; But who'd
have thought she'd _____
stay with her our love would never die run off
warp her mind there was no other guy wind up
swear off booze man wasn't meant to fly boogie
change my sex that Nixon didn't lie yodel
punch her out her basset hound was shy sky dive
live off her that Rolaids made her high turn green
have my rash she'd have a swiss on rye freak out
stay a dwarf she loved my one blue eye blast off
hate her dog her brother's name was Hy make it
pick my nose she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out
play "Go Fish" that birthdays made her cry bobsled
salivate she couldn't stand my tie grovel
___________; _________ goodbye.
with my best friend You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked
Subj: Cowboy And His Horse (S145, S826)
From: mbucher on 6/23/2002
and From: darrelldre on 11/9/2012
A bunch of Indians capture a
cowboy and bring him back to their
camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You
going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day
for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is
first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The
Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and
whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse
takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked
blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with
the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical
white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says,
"What your wish today?" The
cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring
him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers
something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two
hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She
gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians
shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die
tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief
says, "This your last wish,
white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my
horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy
grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read
my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
Subj: Texas Limousine (S398b)
From: Gutterville.Co.Za on 9/8/04
(See 'Second Texas Limo' in Cowboy2)
A lonesome cowboy wandered into
a remote town and headed for
the saloon. He asked the bartender where he could find a
woman, and was told, "Ain't no women for miles, but there's
a barnyard out back."
Disgisted, the cowboy swore he
would never stoop to such a
thing. But the next night he got too lonely. He went out
to the barn and spotted a cute little pig. He took her to
his room, gave her a bath, groomed her, and put pink ribbons
behind her ears. Tucking the animal under his arm, he walked
into the saloon, where dozens of other cowpokes sat with all
sorts of animals at their tables. But as he took a seat, a
hush fell over the room. "What's wrong? the dude asked,
looking around. "Y'all are doing the same thing!"
"Yeah, someone said from the
back of the room, "but we sure
ain't doin' it with the sheriff's gall."
Subj: Indian Tells Time (S04)
A cowboy was riding in the planes
one day when he came across
a Indian stark naked lying flat on his back with a hard on.
The cowboy asked him what he was doing. The Indian replied
"I'm telling time." The cowboy asked him what time it was.
The Indian replied "it's 11:45." After looking as his pocket
watch, the cowboy replied "you're right"
A little while latter the cowboy
came across another Indian
stark naked lying flat on his back with a hard on. The
Cowboy again asked him what he was doing. He replied "I'm
telling time" The cowboy asked him what time it was. The
Indian replied "it's 1:15". The cowboy looked as his pocket
watch and said "you're right".
A short while latter the same
cowboy came across a Indian
stark naked lying on the ground jacking off. The cowboy
asked him what he was doing. He replied "I'm winding my
Subj: Cowboy And Cowgirl On Their Honeymoon (S191)
From: thebartend on 9/28/00
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl
decided to get married.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While
driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having
sex. The new bride asks with a sly grin, "What are they
doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She
replies, "Oh, I see!" while trying to hide her knowing
After a few more hours of driving
they pass two horses
having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing
honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies,
"Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their
hotel. The couple washed up
and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the
bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride
discovers her husbands penis.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps,
"What are those?" she asks
"They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to
make love. After several
minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What's the
matter honey, am I hurting
"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope.
Subj: Texan And His Bride Get A Room (S188)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/08/2000
A Texan and his bride ask the
hotel desk clerk for a room,
telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk.
Looking at the cowboy, he
asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy.
"I reckon I'll just hold
her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it.
Subj: Cowboy And The Epileptic Bride (S188)
The bronc rider carried his bride
over the threshold into the
honeymoon suite. They had taken off all their clothes and
jumped in bed, when suddenly the girl began to jerk and twitch.
"What's the matter, baby?" the man asked.
She was now shivering all over.
"I'm having an epileptic fit!"
she finally managed to say.
"Oh hell! I gotta do something
about this?" the cowboy said,
thinking quickly. He picked up the hotel phone and called the
bell captain for help. Four bellhops soon came rushing into
the room. "Quick! Grab her arms and hold her down!" the cowboy
shouted to two of them. To the other two, he directed, "Grab
her legs--hold her tight!" Hopping astraddle her, he shouted
to the straining bellhops, "Okay, fellas, cut her loose!"
Subj: Ventriloquist Cowboy And The Rancher (S167, S552)
From: Imogenelumen on 3/28/2004
and From: AFine963 on 8/13/2007
A ventriloquist cowboy walked
into a ranch and saw a rancher
sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Rancher: This dog don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin alright
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Rancher: Horses don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin?
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk).....
Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!
Subj: Paper Cowboy (S145)
From BEN'S JOKE PAGE
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked
into the saloon and ordered
a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through
half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that
the strangers hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less
obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of
paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including
the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and
bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
Of course he was soon arrested for rustling...
Subj: Three Cowboys Tell Tall Tales (S51)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
(Also see 'Three Rednecks By The Camp Fire' in REDNECK3)
Three cowboys are sitting around
a campfire, out on the lone-
some prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are
famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the
meanest, toughest cowboy there
is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral
and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the
horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be
bested. "Why that's nothing. I
was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot
rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I
grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and
sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent,
slowly stirring the coals
with his penis.
Subj: Masterson Teaches A Young Gunfighter
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
It's 1860. The decade of gunslingers
and gentlemen. This is
a true story of one such young man that wanted more than
anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in
The place was Deadman, Kansas
in the Sawdust saloon. The
young man walked into the Sawdust saloon and to his surprise
he saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The
young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would
like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me
Bat Masterson put his cards down,
looked up at the boy and
said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it
could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and
let me take a look at you."
The boy stepped back and Mr.
Masterson said, "You look good.
You're wearing black, you've got two pearl handled guns with
waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's
more important son is, can you shoot?"
The young man, happy to show
how good he was, quickly drew
his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot
the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.
Bat Masterson said, "That's good
shooting son, but can you
shoot with your left hand?"
Before Masterson could even finish,
the boy had already drawn
the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off
of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of him-
self the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter
and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson.
Bat Masterson smiled and looked
up and the boy and said, "That
was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do much better than
that myself, but I do have one good tip for you."
"What's that?" the boy asked.
"Well," Masterson said, "I suggest
that you go to the kitchen
and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns
of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."
Puzzled the young gunslinger
asked Masterson why he should do
that. Masterson put his cards down for the second time,
leaned back in his chair and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp
gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take
those two guns of yours and stick them right up your ass!"
Subj: Young Gunfighter Gets Advice (S189, S452b)
From: thebartend on 09/12/2000
and From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/30/2005
The young dude in the Old West
wanted to be the fastest gun-
fighter alive. Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an
old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the
greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid sidled up to the
old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked
him up and down and said, "I got a suggestion that's sure to
"Tell me, tell me!" said the
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"You damn betcha" said the old man.
The kid did as he was told, drew
his gun, and neatly shot
the bow tie off the piano player.
"Wow, that really helped! Got
any more suggestions?"
"Yeah: If'n you cut a notch in the top of your holster
where the hammer hits, the gun'll slide out a lot smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"You damn betcha"
The dude did as he was told,
then draw his gun and,
lightning quick, shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"This is really helping me out!
Is there anything else
you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said the old-timer.
"Get that can of
axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over
your gun" The fellow didn't hesitate and immediately
started smearing the grease on the gun barrel.
"No, no, the whole gun," said
the graybeard. "Handle
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt
Earp gets done playing
that bar piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass,
and this way it won't hurt so much."
Subj: Cowboy Kisses Horses Ass (S25, S612c)
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
and From: LABLaughs.com on 7/26/2005 and 9/30/2008
(See 'Old Prospector Comes To Town' in Cowboy2)
An old cowhand came riding into
town on a hot, dry, dusty
day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of
the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his
horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back
of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where
the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped
up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the
"Hold on there, Mister," said
the sheriff. "Did I just see
what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
There were two church-going women
gossiping in front of the
store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front
of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its
tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.
Repulsed, one of the women asked,
"That's disgusting, why
did you do THAT?"
To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"
"No, but it stops me from licking them!"
Subj: Boy Sees His First Cowboy (S167)
From: ipkis on 97-11-22
A man and his son recently moved
to Texas. One Saturday
afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park.
During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.
"Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"
The father is surprised by this
and tells his son that that
is not very nice language to use.
A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys
walk by and again the
boy yells, "Dad, look at thoses bow legged bastards!"
The father, quite upset now turns
to his son and says, "I
told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it
again, or else."
just a few minutes go by and
another pair of cowboys
walk by and once again the child yells, "Dad, look at those
"Thats it!" the father yells,
and takes the child home and
locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Two weeks later, he lets his
son out and notices that
he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This
impressed the father so he decided to take his son out
for another walk through the park.
As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.
The boy turns to his father and
says, "Father, what strange
men are these, whose balls hang in parenthises?"
Subj: Short Cowboy Jokes (S145)
|Subj: New York Sorority
Girl Visits Texas
From: auntiegah on 8/5/2002 (S288b, S539c)
and From: SCOTCOB on 5/10/2007
Subj: Texan Brags In Maine (S297)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 10/11/2002
There was a Texan visiting Maine. Every time the Maine
folks would point out something great in their state like
their rocky shores, change of color in autim, the Texan
would come back with how Texas was some how better.
Annoyed, the Maine guide put
a one of their famous 50
pound lobsters in the Texans bed. When the Texan went
to bed, he srcreemed with surpuise and every one came to
his room. The Texan asked what that was.
The guy from Maine said that
was a Maine bed bug. The
Texan replied, "Oh, a young one.".
Subj: Will Rogers Quotations (S296b, S684b)
From: Puneet385 on 10/5/2002
and From: tom on 2/22/2010
(See 'Rural Wisdom' in FARMER2)
Will Rogers, who died in a plane
crash with Wylie Post
in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this
country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories
to arguing with a woman...
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to
double your money is to fold it
and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds
of men: The ones that learn by
reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest
of them have to pee on the electric fence and find
out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes
from experience, and a lot of
that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead
of the herd, take a look back
every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta
the bag is a whole lot easier'n
puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire
bull, a mountain lion felt so
good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter
came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full
of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach
a point when you stop
lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the
fewer things seem worth
waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn
back their odometers. Not
me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've
traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go
back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting
old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got
over the hill without
getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things
no one tells you about
aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until
evening to see how splendid
the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed
and beat the ground with
sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn
to laugh at trouble, you
won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Other Will Rogers Quotes
I would rather be the man who
bought the Brooklyn Bridge
than the man who sold it. -- Will Rogers
Nothing you can't spell will ever work. -- Will Rogers
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/16/2002 (S298b)
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't
it get us out? -- Will Rogers (1879-1935)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/30/2002
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over
if you just sit there. -- Will Rogers
From: LABLaughs.com on 11/11/2002 (S302b)
"Politics has become so expensive that it takes a
lot of money to even be defeated." -- Will Rogers
From: igiggle on 4/6/2003 (S323b)
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until
you can find a rock. -- Will Rogers
From: woneye on 4/17/2003 (S326)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report
the acts. -- Will Rogers
From: igiggle on 6/6/2004 (S384b)
I always like to hear a man talk about himself because
then I never hear anything but good. -- Will Rogers
From: igiggle on 2/9/2005 (S420b)
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to
somebody else. -- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
From: darrell94590 on 11/14/2005 (S460b)
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had
to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/9/2006
"Be thankful we're not getting all the government
we're paying for." -- Will Rogers
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/1/2006 (S302b)
"You can't say that civilization don't advance, however,
for in every war they kill you in a new way. "
Will Rogers (1879 - 1935), New York Times, Dec. 23, 1929
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/1/2006 (S516b)
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the
whole government working for you. -- Will Rogers
Also see 'Rogers
On College' in COLLEGE2
.........'Rogers On Dogs' in DOGS3
.........'Rogers On Horses' in HORSES
.........'Rogers On Crime' in JUDGE
.........'Rogers On Laywers' in LAWYERS2
.........'Rogers On Learning' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED-SUPP
.........'Rogers On Success' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED-SUPP
.........'Rogers On Government' in POLITICAL1
"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know
that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to
start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as
soon as he gets back."
"Not Tex," the second cowboy
replied, "He'll always be
just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll
say is hello."
"I know Tex better than either
of you," said the third.
"He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he
comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted,
From: auntieg on 98-02-12
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the
man who shot my paw."
From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
God may have created man, but samuel colt made 'em equal
-- Robert Calmes
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/7/2001 (S229)
" I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate
those who do. And for the people who like country music,
denigrate means 'put down' "-Bob Newhart
Q: How can you tell if a cowboy
A: His horn is in the middle of his saddle.
Q: What's the difference between
a straight rodeo, and
a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo, they shout "RIDE THAT SUCKER !"
Q: What's the true definition
of a REAL TEXAN?
A: A Mexican on his way to Oklahoma.
Q: Why do all Texans have 2"
A: So they can tow each others trailers.
Q: Why do cowboys make poor lovers?
A: Because they think eight seconds is a good ride.
Q: How are a Texas tornado and
a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #297 - Quickies!
Q: Do you know how West Virginians practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Bucking Machine from Smiley_Central.