Subj: Doctor-Supp Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 35 jokes and articles)
Doctor Studies Reflexes
from
WingSpan Fun Stuff
| >>>
Subj: Doctor-Supp Jokes (Gz) (Includes 35 jokes and articles) |
|
Doctor Studies Reflexes from WingSpan Fun Stuff |
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| Subj:
Prescription Pills (S520)
From: gayleheckman on 1/9/2007 |
 |
This 1,600 KB movie is a musical
about prescription pills.
It probablyn isn't worth a trip
to the internet. You can
see it on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
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Subj: Assistant
Handles The Clinic (S590c)
From: tom on 5/8/2008
A doctor in Ireland wants to
get off work and go hunting,
so he approaches his assistant.
"Seamus, I am going
hunting tomorrow and don't want
to close the clinic," he
says. "I want you to take care
of the clinic and all me
patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting, returns
the following day and asks,
"So, Seamus, how was your day?"
Seamus tells him that he took
care of three patients. "The
first one had a headache, so
I gave him Tylenol."
"Bravo, Seamus, and the second
one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning
and I gave him Maalox,
sir," says Seamus.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at
this. And what about the third
one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and
suddenly the door opens and a
woman bursts into the room.
Quick as a wink she undresses
herself, tearing off every stitch
of clothing including her
bra and her panties, and lies
down on the table. She spreads
her legs and shouts, "Help me,
I beg you! It's been five
years since I've seen a man!"
"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus,
what did you do?" asks the
doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
\\\//
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Subj: Doctor
Riddle (S562)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/19/2007
While riding in the car I saw
a license plate that
read like this:
IXMNIZ
What occupation did the man in the car have?
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
He was an optometrist. The license plate reads like this:
I-XMN-IZ
(So it reads I Examine Eyes)
\\\//
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Subj: Having
Green Spots On Your Thighs (S534b)
From: darrell94590 on 4/14/2007
A woman goes to her doctor's
office, afraid of the strange
development, a green spot on
the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't
scrape off, and they seem
to be getting worse. The
doctor assures her he'll get to
the bottom of the problem, and
tells her not to worry until
the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's
phone rings. Much to her
relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know
what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly
healthy--there's no
problem. But I'm wondering,
is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
\\\//
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Subj: Laughter
Is The Best Medicine (S448b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/19/2005
Anything that's become a cliche
can't possibly be a
groundbreaking medical secret.
Such is the case with the
old saw, "Laughter is the best
medicine." Everybody knows
this one, right? Of course,
but it's still interesting when
science backs up the old sayings.
And according to an ABCNews.com
report from this past spring,
a new study has elevated the
old laughter-as-medicine another
rung on the credibility ladder.
Conducted by the University
of Maryland, the new research
focused on the physiological
reactions of a group of test
subjects to movies of various
tenors.
The study group who watched a
funny movie experienced an
increase in blood flow in 95%
of cases, while exactly the
opposite was true for those
forced to watch a sobering or
sad movie - 74% of these experienced
diminished blood flow.
In the "comedy" group, the circulatory
benefits lasted 12
to 24 hours.
None of this surprises me, and
it shouldn't surprise you.
Think about it: When you laugh
really hard at a something,
don't your cheeks get a little
rosy? Most people's do.
That's all the evidence anyone
should need that laughing
boosts circulation. It's
literally written all over your
face.
Presented at this past spring's
meeting of the American
College of Cardiology, the study
points to a strong
correlation between laughter
and circulatory/cardiovascular
health. Past studies have
focused on laughter's
stress-relieving capabilities
as a mechanism behind its
heart-healthy benefits.
It all makes sense. Laughter does
all sorts of good things to
us: It both reduces killer
stress AND improves blood flow.
It also releases powerful,
painkilling endorphins into
our blood.
Besides this, there's evidence
that laughing boosts immunity,
too. A 2000 study of medical
students showed an increase in
T-cell (viral killers) activity
in the blood while watching
humorous videotapes. Other
research showed laughter to be
beneficial against heart arrhythmias.
The punch line is this: Whether
there's evidence proving it
or not, common sense tells us
that laughing is good for us
on many levels. Do it
long and often and you'll live longer
and healthier for it.
William Campbell Douglass II, MD
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Subj: Eye
Exam (S448)
From Comedy Central on 8/14/2005
A guy goes to his eye doctor
for an examination. They start
talking as the doctor is examing
his eyes. In the middle of
their conversation, the doctor
casually says, "You need to
stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're
upsetting the other patients
in the waiting room."
\\\//
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Subj: Medical
Students Diagnose Syndromes (S448)
From: darrell94590 on 8/13/2005
Two medical students were walking
along the street when they
saw an old man walking with
his legs spread apart. One of
the students said to his friend:
"I'm sure he has Petry
Syndrome. Those people walk
just like that."
The other student says: "No,
I don't think so. The old man
surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks just as we learned
in class."
Since they couldn't agree they
decided to ask the old man.
They approached the old man
and one of the students said
to him: "We're medical students
and couldn't help but notice
the way you walk, but we couldn't
agree on the syndrome you
might have. Could you tell us
what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell
you, but first you'll tell me
what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."
The other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought......... but you're wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
And the old man said: "I thought
it was a fart...........
but I was wrong."
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Subj: Having
One Leg Shorter Than The Other (S440b)
From: LabLaughs.com on 7/2/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_jokes.php?id=20050629
I have this friend who always
seemed to lean slightly to the
left all the time. It
used to bother me, so I suggested he
see a doctor, and have his legs
checked out. For years, he
refused... told me I was crazy.
But last week, he finally
went, and sure enough, the doctor
discovered his left leg
was 1/4" shorter than his right.
A quick bit of orthopedic
surgery later, he was cured,
and both legs are exactly the
same length now, and he no longer
leans. "So," I said, "You
didn't believe me when I told
you a doctor could fix your
leg." He just looked at
me and said, "I, stand corrected."
\\\//
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Subj: Surgeon
Checks On Blonde After Operation (S420b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/10/2005
A surgeon went to check on his
blonde patient after an
operation. She was awake, so
he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it
be before I am able to have
a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one
has ever asked me that after
having their tonsils out."
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Subj: A Rushed
Visit To The Gynecologist (S418)
From: jbcary1 on 1/27/2005
I was due for an appointment
with the gynecologist later
in the week. Early on
Monday morning, I received a call
from his office to tell me that
my appointment had been
rescheduled for that morning
at 9:30 AM.
I had just packed everyone off
to work and school, and it
was already around 8:45 AM.
Since the trip to his office
would take about 35 minutes,
I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take
a little extra effort over
hygiene when making such
visits, but this time I wasn't
going to be able to make the
full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs,
threw off my pajamas, wet the wash-
cloth that was sitting next
to the sink, and gave myself a
quick wash in "that area" to
make sure I was at least
presentable.
I then threw the washcloth in
the hamper, donned some
clothes, hopped in the
car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for
only a few minutes when I was
called in. Knowing the
procedure, as I'm sure you do, I
hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the
room and pretended that I was
in Paris or some other place a
million miles away.
I was a little surprised when
the doctor said, "My, we've
made an extra effort this morning,
haven't we?" I didn't
respond.
After the exam, I heaved a sigh
of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was
normal... some shopping, cleaning,
cooking, etc. After school
when my six year old daughter
was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mommy,
where's my washcloth?" I told
her to get another one from
the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the
one that was here by the sink,
it had all my glitter and sparkles
saved inside it."
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Doctors Discuss Dyslexic Nurse (S403b)
From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04
Two doctors were in a hospital
hallway one day complaining
about Nurse Jenny. "She's
incredibly dumb. She does every-
thing absolutely backwards."
said one doctor. "Just last
week, I told her to give a patient
2 milligrams of percocet
every 10 hours. She gave
him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He nearly died on us!" The second
doctor said,
"That's nothing. Earlier this
week, I told her to give a
patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24
enemas in one hour! The
guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling
scream from down
the hall. "Oh my God!" said
the first doctor, "I just
realized I told Nurse Jenny
to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Ill Men See The Doctor (S402)
From: DafterLafter on 7/23/2004
Three desperately ill men met
with their doctor one day to
discuss their options. There
was an Alcoholic, one was a
Chain-Smoker, and one was a
Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three
of them, said, "If any of
you indulge in your vices one
more time, you will surely
die." The men left the doctor's
office; each convinced that
he would never again indulge
himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway
for their return trip to
the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the
loud music and smelling the
ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into
the bar, where he had a
shot of whiskey. No sooner had
he replaced the shot glass
on the bar, he fell off his
stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken,
left the bar, realising
how seriously they must take
the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came
upon a cigarette butt lying
on the ground, still burning.
The Homosexual looked at the
Chain-Smoker and said, "You
know if you bend over to pick
that up, we're both dead."
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Subj: Little
Bag Sees Doctor (S396b)
From: JokesUncut on 8/24/2004
A little paper bag was feeling
unwell, so he took himself
off to the doctor's.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said
the Doctor, "but I'll do a
blood test and see what that
shows, come back and see me in
a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no
better when he got back for
the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a
little paper bag!" said the
little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that
- I'm just a little paper
bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles
with other intravenous
drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that
- I'm just a little paper
bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently
and required a jab or
a blood transfusion?" queried
the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are
you in a homosexual
relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things
like that, I'm just a
little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation."
said the doctor
"Your mother must have been
a carrier..."
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Subj: Man
Wants To Live Longer (S394)
From: JokesUncut on 8/12/2004
A man goes to the doctor and
says, "Doc, I would like to
live very long. What should
I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision,"
the doctor replies.
"Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just
a bit of wine with my
meals, and a beer or two every
once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on
a very strict diet.
You are going to eat only raw
vegetables, with no
dressing, and non-fat cottage
cheese."
The man is now really worried.
"Doc, is all this
really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Well then, it's absolutely necessary.
And don't
even think of breaking the diet."
The man is
quite restless, but the doctor
continues, "Do
you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so...,
only with my wife!"
he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here
you are going to
buy twin beds. No more sex for
you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc...
Are you sure I'm
going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever
you live, I assure
you is going to seem like an
eternity!"
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Subj: Irish
Woman Wants Viagra For Her Husband (S388b)
From: Imogenelumen on 7/2/2004
(See 'Three
Couples Seek Church Membership' in CHURCH
and see 'Sex at
the freezer' in Marriage2)
An Irish woman "of a certain
age", visited her physician to
ask his help in reviving her
husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the
doctor. "Drop it into his coffee.
He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week
to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later, but what
she rang up the doctor, who
directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh,
faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
'Twas horrid. Just terrible,
Doctor."
"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I?
The effect was almost immediate.
He jumped hisself straight up,
with a twinkle in his eye!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent
the cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there,
making wild, mad, passionate love
to me on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you!"
"Why so terrible?", asked the
doctor. "Do you mean the sex was
not good?"
"No, no, no, Doctor. The
sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best
sex I've had in 25 years.
But I'll never be able to show me
face in Starbucks again!"
\\\//
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Subj: UK Brain
Surgeon Suspended (S386)
From: BoneheadOfTheDayAward on 6/14/2004
UK's National Health Services
(NHS), already struggling with
unreasonably long delays in
providing necessary neurosurgery to
patients owing to a critical
lack of available doctors, suspended
one of Britain's leading brain
surgeons, Dr. Terence Hope, for
three days, pending a full investigation,
because he took extra
croutons with his soup while
in the hospital cafeteria.
Writes the London Telegraph "...every
so often a tale crops up
of such flaring, dazzling idiocy
that the entire nation is
rendered quite breathless by
it."
The NHS defends their action
saying that they treat doctors like
everyone else. But as
the London Telegraph writes, "But, as most
members of the public easily
understand, hospital doctors are not
just like anyone else: they
work long and often inconvenient hours,
in testing circumstances, and
if a doctor is regularly working
while exhausted or hungry it
will have a more dramatic impact on
the general public than if,
say, young Harriet at the Tesco's meat
counter is feeling a bit headachy
after a night on the tiles."
[night on the tiles??]
He's been reinstated. Three surgeries were forced to be cancelled.
Daily Telegraph (UK) 28-Mar-04
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Subj: Mother
Consults Doctor About Daughter Dating (S376)
From: thebartend on 4/12/2004
The mother of a 17-year-old girl
was concerned that her
daughter was probably having
sex. Worried the girl might
become pregnant, and that this
would reflect badly on the
whole family, she consulted
the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers
today were very willful
and any attempt to stop the
girl would probably result in
rebellion. He recommended
that she arrange for her
daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk
to her and give her a box of
condoms.
That evening, as her daughter
was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about her
visit to the doctor and
handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and
reached over to hug her
mother, saying: "Oh Mom!
You don't have to worry about
that! I'm dating Susan!"
\\\//
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Subj: Asking
The Doctor If You'll Live To 80 (S342b, S521c)
From: DoctorDebt on 8/15/2003
and
From: allenbergmant on 1/12/07
I recently picked a new primary
care physician. After two
visits and exhaustive lab tests,
he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age. A little concerned
about that comment, I
couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in
the sun, like playing golf?"
he said.
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive
fast cars, or
fool around with sexy women?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then
why do you give a shit
if you live to be 80?"
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Texas Surgeons Brag (S318)
From: gomilpitas on 3/1/2003
Three Texas surgeons were playing
golf together and
discussing surgeries they had
performed. One of them
said, "I'm the best surgeon
in Texas. A concert pianist
lost 7 fingers in an accident.
I reattached them, and
8 months later he performed
a private concert for the
Queen of England."
One of the others said, "That's
nothing. A young man
lost both arms and legs in an
accident. I reattched
them, and 2 years later he won
a gold medal in field
events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You
guys are amateurs. Several
years ago a guy who was high
on cocaine and alcohol rode
a horse head-on into a train
travelling 80 miles an hour.
All I had left to work with
was the horse's ass and a
cowboy hat. Now he's president
of the United States."
\\\//
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Subj: Patient
Comments During Colonoscopies (S315, S511c)
From: pns on 2/8/2003
and
From: JBCARY1 on 11/3/2006
A physician claims these are
actual comments from his
patients made while he was performing
colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're
boldly going where
no
man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are
we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas,
we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped
miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand
in, you take your left
hand
out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how
a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit,
you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if
you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive
at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note
for my wife, saying that
my
head is not, in fact, up there?"
\\\//
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Subj: The
Mechanic And The Doctor (S315b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/8/2003
Jerry was removing some engine
valves from a car on the lift
when he spotted the famous heart
surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser,
who was standing off to the
side, waiting for the service
manager.
Jerry, who was somewhat of a
loud mouth, shouted across the
garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat
you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised,
walked over to where
Jerry was working on the car.
Jerry, in a loud voice that
all could hear, said argumentatively,
"So Mr. fancy doctor,
look at this work. I too, take
valves out, grind 'em, put
in new parts, and when I'm finished,
this baby will purr
like a kitten. So how come you
get the big bucks, when you
and me are doing basically the
same work?"
Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed,
shook his head and replied in
a soft voice, "Try doing your
work with the engine
running."
\\\//
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Subj: More
Short Doctor Jokes
| Subj:
Doctor Needs Work (S584b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/17/08 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Ophthalmology Cartoons (S558b)
From: jbcary1 on 9/25/2007 and From: WashingtonPost on 10/03/2007 |
| Subj:
Elderly See Doctor (S514b)
From: darrell94590 on 11/26/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Abnormal
Symptoms (S544c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/14/2007
A successful businessman goes
to the doctor to ask about
some abnormal symptoms. The
doctor asks him, "What problems
are you experiencing ?"
The businessman tells the doctor,
"I'm terrified of driving
in dark places or with other
people in the car."
The doctor thinks for a minute,
then states, "That's easy to
solve ... You have car-pool-tunnel
syndrome."
Top
Subj: Jewish
Man Has Son Do Operation (S397)
From: Imogenelumen on 8/24/2004
An older Jewish gentleman was
on the operating table awaiting
surgery and he insisted that
his son, a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your
best and just remember, if it
doesn't go well, if something
happens to me. Your mother is
going to come and live with
you and your wife...."
Top
Subj: Lethal Injections
(S395b)
From:igiggle on 8/18/2004
Nineteen percent of doctors
say that they'd be able to
give their patients a lethal
injection. But they also
went on to say that the patient
would have to be really,
really behind on payments.
Top
Subj: Doctoring
A Doctor (S328b)
From: igiggle on 5/6/2003
Does a doctor doctor a doctor
according to the doctored
doctor's doctrine of doctoring,
or does the doctor doing
the doctoring doctor the other
doctor according to his
own doctoring doctrine?
From: Joke-of-the-day.com on 3/19/2003
(S321b)
I got the bill for my surgery.
Now I know why those doctors
were wearing masks. --
James H. Boren
From: pns on 7/30/2003 (S341b)
A male gynecologist is like
an auto mechanic who
never owned a car. --
Carrie Snow
From: igiggle on 7/27/2004 (S392b)
An American surgeon lecturing
medical students in Bristol,
England, was asked if he considered
the operation he was
describing a valuable one.
"Valuable?" demanded the surgeon,
a little taken aback.
"I raised five kids on it."
\\\//
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 |
Smiley in a Syringe from
Smiliemania.da |