doctor3

>>>
Subj: Doctor3 and Viagra Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 76 jokes and articles)

Click "Here" for Doctor-Supp

.........................Lists of Doctor Columns from the Newspapers
.........................List of HMO Jokes Not in Doctor3
..............................>> Viagra Jokes start here <<
.........................List of Viagra Jokes Not in Doctor3

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Subj: Two Doctors Discuss Dyslexic Nurse (S403b)

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining
about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does every-
thing absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last
week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet
every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week,
I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She
tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly
exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the
hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I
told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

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Subj:     Seeing A Doctor About Passing Money (S274)
          From: dogbyte on 5/1/2002

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you
have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES
come out!" The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest
with her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor,
it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom,
QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?" Again the
doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up
and come back in a week.

Another week passes and the woman returns and yells,
"Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time
I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE
HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"

The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going
through your change!"

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Subj:     Dear Doctor... (S219)
          From: ICohen on 4/13/2001

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio
is two to one, etc.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
    Is this true?
A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so
    many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out even-
    tually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live
    longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of
    your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take
    a nap.

Q: My wife says I should cut down on meat and eat more
    fruits and vegetables.
A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the
    way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's
    corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an
    efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
    system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
    source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100%
    of your recommended daily allowance of slop -- that's
    leftover veggies, premixed.

Q: Is beer bad for you?
A: I normally don't like to answer questions which deal with
    my religious values, but I find this question so ridiculous
    I simply have to say something. Look, it goes to the
    earlier point about vegetables. As we all know, scientists
    divide everything in the world into three categories:
    animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know beer is not an
    animal, and it's not on the periodic table of elements, so
    that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
    burger and a beer and tell everyone you're on a vegetarian
    diet.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did
    the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he
    blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at
    health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the ONLY
    reason why you're going in, you probably ought to
    reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.

Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups
    help this?
A: Definitely NOT! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets
    bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you
    want a bigger stomach.

Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when
    I play golf, but last weekend some idiot almost ran over
    me with the golf cart!
A: Sorry. I was reaching into my cooler for a beer and
    didn't see you.

Q: There's a lot of equipment available at the gym today,
like the treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one
do you recommend?
A: The strato-lounger.

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Subj:     Wife Happy After Visiting Doctor (S198)
          From: gheckman on 11/12/2000

A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while
and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't
care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the
breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

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Subj:     Doctor Gives Sex Talk To Naive Groom (S196)
          From: BartendJOTD on 11/02/2000

A naive young fellow got engaged to a lovely girl, and when
they went in for their blood tests it quickly became apparent
to the doctor that the husband-to-be had no idea what sexual
intercourse consisted of.

Taking pity on the bride, Dr. Jones explained about the birds
and the bees and the coconut trees, but the vague smile on
the young man's face was unconvincing. The doctor's second
attempt to explain the ritual of the wedding night left the
groom-to-be smiling and nodding, but clearly baffled. So the
good doctor gave it one more try, to no avail.

Thoroughly frustrated, the doctor instructed the young woman
to undress and lie down upon the examination table. She obeyed
happily enough, and Dr. Jones, a humanitarian through and
through, proceeded to demonstrate for the young man. For forty
minutes he demonstrated.

Finally, sweaty and exhausted, he hauled himself up on his
elbows, turned to the fianc?, and said, "Now do you understand
what I've been trying to tell you?" At last a glimmer of
comprehension came into the young man's blue eyes. "I've got it
now, Doc," he cried happily.

"Good, good," said the doctor in relief, getting down from the
table and pulling up his pants. "Do you have any further
questions?"

"Just one," admitted the young man. "Yes" asked the doctor
testily. "All I need to know, Dr. Jones, is how often do I have
to bring her in?

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Subj:     New Doctor Takes Over For Old One (S194)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/18/2000

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace
a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young
one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become
used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little
sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've
probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back
on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the
trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine
that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on
the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I
noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was
what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think
I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes
talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she
just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling
terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church,"
the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back
a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost
certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my
stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed
the preacher under the bed."

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Subj:     Woman Given Testosterone (S185)
          From: ICohen on 08/15/2000

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the
doctor had given her a prescription for the male hormone
testosterone.

The woman was a little worried about some of the side effects
she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been
giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid you're giving me
too much. I've started growing hair in places where I've
never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly
normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair
appeared?"

The woman replied, "On my balls."

Ira Cohen
Telecommunications Engineer
City of Oakland, CA

(510) 238-2187 office
(510) 220-0027 cell
(510) 238-2281 fax

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Subj:     Mixing Up Lab Results (S182, S395)
          From: thebartend on 7/27/00
      and From: jbcary1 on 8/22/2004

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's
test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of
a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples
from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs.
Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one
is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive
for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't
tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and
they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife
off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home,
don't sleep with her."

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Subj:     Man Comes In Doctor's Office w/Shingles (S166, S442b)
          From: RFSlick on 2/17/00
      and From: darrell94590 on 7/13/2005

DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist
asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took
down his name, address, and medical insurance number and
told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him
what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his
height, weight, and a complete medical history and told
him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he
had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test,
a blood pressure test, and an electrocardiogram and told
him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him
what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said,
"Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

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Subj:     Ed Zachary Disease (S148, S439)
          From: thebartend on 12/02/1999
      and From: CKButch4Femme on 6/23/2005

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not
had a date, nor any sex in quite some time. She was afraid
she might have something wrong with her so she decided to
employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her GP recommended that she go see Dr.Chang, the well-known
Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok,
take off all your crose." So she did.

"Now get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room."
So she did. "Ok, now crawl reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your problem vewy
bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, that
why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike
your ass."

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Subj:     Country Doctor Delivers Baby With Dad's Help (S131A, S457b)
          From: KMacinty on 8/3/99
      and From: rfslick@ on 10/24/2005
      (Also see 'Country Doctor Delivers Baby w/Kid's Help' in PUSSY)

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into
labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called
out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-
to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can
see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the
world. "Whoa there," said the doctor.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's
yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that
lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried
the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the
doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

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Subj:     Medical Diagnoses (S108)
          From: Tom_Adams on 99-02-11

The following was posted as part of an ongoing discussion
on our Non-Biz BBS here at VALIC. I hope you take the time
to read and consider. It is a true story verified by
Tom_Adams@valic.com.

Author: Alex G xxxxxxx Date: 02/11/99

My eldest sister is 40, single, pretty and quick to laugh.
In short, she is a wonderful person who makes others feel
special.

In June 1997, she was giving herself a breast examination
when she noticed a lump. There is no history of cancer in
our family on either side, and my sister doesn't drink or
smoke. She told her doctor about it and he asked her to
come in for a mammogram and other tests.

The mammogram came out negative. There was no fluid inside
the lump and the doctor said that it was a benign cyst.
However, the cyst kept growing at an alarming rate.

My mother, being the ball of fire that she is, insisted on
another round of tests in July. Although the doctor
insisted that there was nothing wrong with my sister, my
mother firmly asked for more tests. They did what was
called a "nuclear biopsy" on the lump, and again it turned
out to be benign.

After a week or two, my sister found the lump growing
bigger until it covered 1/4 of her breast. After checking
on the formation of cysts in a medical dictionary, she
discovered that sometimes these cysts were actually
cancerous and early tests often misdiagnosed them as benign.

Armed with her knowledge (and my mother's backbone), my
sister returned to her primary care physician in August
1997, who promptly scheduled a surgical incision biopsy
which was done at a local hospital on an outpatient basis.
The results came in two hours later: the cyst was a
malignant tumor.

What really shocked us was the doctor's attitude. He asked
my sister to wait and see "what happened next" before
deciding on any course of treatment. You see, he had a
trip to Rome he absolutely HAD to take, and anything
unnecessary (like, say, my sister' s life) could be
"postponed" until he got back...in September!

Needless to say, my parents were outraged and my mother
used certain language on the doctor that would have had
my mouth cleansed with Ajax if I had ever used it growing
up. I certainly can't repeat it here, but suffice to say
that hell hath no fury like my mother when she's been fed
a load of sheep dip.

We took my sister immediately to MD Anderson, where further
tests were conducted on her breast tumor. Unfortunately,
the surgical biopsy was correct: the tumor was malignant.
However, we were pleased to learn that
(a) the cancer was localized, (b) there was no sign of
cancer in my sister's blood, bone or lymph systems, (c) she
would not need any surgery whatsoever, and (d) with six
sessions of chemo and three of radiation, my sister would
be [in the doctor's own words] 100% cured.

All that was a year and a half ago. Today, my sister is
still smiling, pretty and healthy. Her last three tests
have shown no cancer whatsoever in her body, and after one
dose of chemo the tumor disappeared virtually overnight.
(She still had to undergo the next five units, which as
anyone with cancer will tell you is no rose garden.) My
sister credits her positive attitude and my mother's
nerves of steel for her complete turnaround.

The message is simple: if you personally feel like your
doctor's prognosis is incorrect, PLEASE do not hesitate
to get a second opinion. Don't feel bad if you question
the doctor's expertise in the matter - they may not have
the correct training to diagnose something that they have
rarely if ever seen. Also, if the doctor doesn't take
your health seriously, get the heck out of his or her
office - they're not worth your time. And especially
don't be intimidated by doctors - they are human beings
like the rest of us and are susceptible to being wrong.
If they try to demean your concerns with their own ideas
of "I'm the doctor and you're the patient," ditch them
like yesterday's trash.

Also, big hospitals accept coverage by HMO's and PPO's
- my sister works for the City of Houston, and her health
plan covered most of her chemo and radiation treatments.
MD Anderson is a wonderful facility with great oncologists
like Dr. Youniss (my sister's doctor), who take patients
under their wings and care for them like family.

That's my story and I done told it.

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Subj:     Lists of Doctor Columns from the Newspapers

..........Hemorrhoid Remedy in BODY PARTS

..........'Vitamine B6 And Frequent Urination' in BODY PARTS

..........'Men Regrowing Hair' in BODY PARTS

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Subj:     List of HMO Jokes

..........'Two Men Have Vasectomies' in BALLS

..........'Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care' in DOCTOR2

..........Mixing Up Lab Results in DOCTOR3

..........Medical Diagnoses in DOCTOR3

..........'Three Nurses Go To Heaven, One is A HMO' in HEAVEN1

..........'Hillary Visits A Hospital' in HOSPITAL1

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Subj:     List of Viagra Jokes Not in Doctor3

..........'Quotation From Shuttle Dave' in CARS3

..........'Irish Woman Wants Viagra For Her Husband' in DOCTOR-SUPP

..........'Grandpa Likes Hospital' in ELDERLY2

..........'Old Man Wants Viagra' in ELDERLY4

..........'Viagra Soft Drink' in FOOD_ETC2

..........'Son Asks About Viagra' in KIDS5

..........'FDA Viagra Study' in LAWYER2

..........'Old Man Wants Viagra II' in ELDERLY4

..........'Viagra Advertising Slogans' in Headlines ? Ads

..........'The Sunburn' in HOSPITAL2

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Subj:     Husband Not Hungary Because Of Viagra (S148, S508b)
          From: collins2 on 12/02/1999
      and From: darrell94590 on 10/16/2006

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast; bacon,
eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to
follow?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken
the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl
of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a
plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken
the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would
you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken?

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

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Subj:     Man Takes Viagra And Waits For Wife (S295)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #290 on 99-03-09
      and From: thebartend on 9/23/2002

This man gets his prescription for Viagra, and goes home
to get ready for when his wife will arrive. He calls her
on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour and
looking forward to our evening."

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told
him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra
and waits. An hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no
wife?

His wife calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is
terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "I've
got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife
won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do
you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?"
said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need
Viagra with the housekeeper..."

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Subj:     Viagra In The Coffee (S212)
          From: KMACINTY on 2/23/2001

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to
revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?"
asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an
aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee,
he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to
let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he
inquires as to how things went.

"Oh, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.
The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept
the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my
clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love
to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not
good?"

"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years,
but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again..."

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Subj:     New Wonder Drugs: (S296)
          From: HuntMcmahunt on 10/4/2002

S t . M o m ' s W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
_______________ ?> _______________
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by
enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers
and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
_______________ ?> _______________
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.
_______________ ?> _______________
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q.
causing enjoyment of country western music.
_______________ ?> _______________
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
_______________ ?> _______________
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective
in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing
money spent on make-up.
_______________ ?> _______________
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance
to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person..
can we get naked now?"
_______________ ?> _______________
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases
potency and duration of spending spree.
_______________ ?> _______________
Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate
buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home
with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
_______________ ?> _______________
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember
your birthday, anniversary or phone number

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Subj:     New Drugs For Men (S220)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/20/2001

With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing
men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line
of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in
today's society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving
on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask
directions when they got lost, compared to a control group
of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far
more likely to actually finish a household repair project
before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged
men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a
new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects
extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a
sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and
gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be
seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer
than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra.
Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S.
presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making
men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse
with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious
intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus:
Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in
treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially
useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave
men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the
personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose
turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when
being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available
in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

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Subj:     Short Doctor Jokes

Top
Subj: Seeing The Doctor About Body Odor (S301b)
From: dogbyte on 11/3/2002
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my
head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at
my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"

Top
Subj: Disrobing In front Of The Doctor (S269)
From: dogbyte on 3/28/2002
During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked
to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress
in front of you."

"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick
off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when
you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness,
"Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my
clothes?"

"Your clothes?" answered the doctor, "Put them over
here, on top of mine!"

Top
Subj: Heart Attacks (S268b)
From: FrankRoesch on 3/22/2002
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans. On the other
hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians
drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans

Conclusion: Eat ? drink what you like. It's speaking
English that kills you.

Top
Subj: Delivering A Skeleton (S248)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/29/2001
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a
new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the
items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony
arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the
drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the
people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked
across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's
office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell
you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

Top
Subj: Viagra Spill Revives Lake Michigan (S285b)
From: bselwa on 7/15/2002
This is safe to view and it's cute. Cut, paste and go to
the following web site.

http://www.satirewire.com/news/july02/viagra.shtml

Top
Subj: Newspaper Headline (S239)
From: bonehead on 8/28/2001
Headline, as it appeared in a recent Kansas Alumni magazine,
above a story about the Pfizer company giving $100,000 to
Kansas University:

''Viagra To Aid Building's Erection"

From the Bill Flick column in the Daily Pantagraph
(Bloomington-Normal, Illinois)

Top
Subj: Doctor Sleeps With Patient (S238)
From: dogbyte on 8/22/2001
As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my
head kept saying, "Relax...; you are NOT the first
doctor to sleep with one of his patients. But, another
voice kept reminding me, "Yeh, but you are a veterinarian!"

Top
Subj:     Viagra Jokes (S67)
          From: ossama on 98-05-12
          (Also see 'Grandpa Likes Hospital' in ELDERLY2
                and 'Old Man Wants Viagra' in ELDERLY4)
Doctors aren't touting one major side effect of the impotency
drug, Viagra. Men will be forced to make conversation for
an hour before the pill kicks in...

Some people taking Viagra are complaining they see every-
thing with a blueish tint. So, Viagra makes you function
again, but you think you're having sex with a Smurf. (O'Brien)

Viagra cures impotence but may cause baldness. Propecia
cures baldness but may cuase impotence. Unfortunately, if
you take both, all you get is straight hair.

Starbucks has a new - Viagra Latte. Guaranteed to keep you
up all night. (Leno)

From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/29/2004 (S411b)
Q: What is the difference between Niagra and Viagra?
A: Niagra Falls.

From: igiggle on 5/3/2003 (S327b)
Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Some mornings
           I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other
           mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse.
Doctor: Hmmm, and how long have you been having these
          Disney spells?

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #258 on 98-07-02 (S325)
and From: LABLaughs.com on 4/26/2003
Q: What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
A: They both cause you to stand around for an hour
waiting for a two minute ride!!]

From: humorlist-digest V3 #8 on 99-01-10 (S102)
In today's headlines, the FDA administered a study where
weekly doses of Viagra were given to an equal number of
professional men, in this case, doctors and lawyers.
While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual
ability, the lawyers simply grew taller.

From: chrish on 9/6/99 (S136, S384)
And From: woneye on 6/3/2004
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is
Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has
been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced
today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin. Also
considered were mycoxafailin,mydixadrupin, mydixarizin,
mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

From: RFSlick on 1/26/2002 (S274c)
There will be a new soft drink on the market soon that will
contain Viagra. They're gonna call it... "Mount `N Do."

Top
Subj: Lady Consults Pharmacist About Viagra (S164)
From: collins2 on 3/22/00
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked: "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.

Top
Subj: Liquid Viagra (S239)
From: ICohen on 8/29/2001
Pfizer recently announced that Viagra would be available
in liquid form. It'll be sold under the name Mydixadud.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one.

Top
Subj: Viagra And Breast Implants (S268c)
From: JBCARY1 on 3/20/2002
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on
researching breast implants and Viagra than has been
spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.

It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a
large number of people wandering around with huge breasts
and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

Top
Subj:     Two Boys In Doctor's Office For Tests (S111)
          From: smiles on 3/16/99
Two little boys are sitting in front of the Doctors office.
    One of them is crying very hard. The other boy asks
    the one crying, "What's the matter?"
The crying boy replies,"I came here for a blood test".
The second boy answers,"That's no reason to cry".
The first boy says, "No, I mean,I came here for a blood
    test and they cut my finger".
Hearing this the second boy starts crying. The first boy
   says to the second,"Why are you crying"?
Through his tears, the second boy replies," Well, I came
    here for a urine test"

Top
Subj: A Short History Of Medicine! (S100)
From: grs on 97-12-04
"I have an ear ache."
2000 BC "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC "That root is poison. Here, say this prayer."
1850 AD "That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion."
1940 AD "That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill."
1985 AD "That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic."
2000 AD "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root."

Top
Subj: Swallowed contraceptive
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #219 on 97-12-30
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle
of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught
young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."

The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out
the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said
with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

Top
Subj:     Tired Doctor (S229)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #224 on 97-10-16
      and From: JBCARY1 on 6/8/2001
A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to
write a prescription. A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me,
Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer."
The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Dammit! Some
asshole has my pen."

Top
Subj: Why Men Aren't Secretaries (S229)
From: gheckman on 2/21/2001
Husband's note to his wife:
"Doctor's office called: Said Pabst Beer is normal."

In 1900 ninety percent of all US physicians had no college
education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many
of which were condemned in the press and by the government
as "substandard."

In 1900 marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available
over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one
pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy
to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is,
in fact, a perfect guardian of health." Coca-Cola contained
cocaine instead of caffeine.

Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of
Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth... and whose shame
created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."

A man goes to his doctor to find out whats wrong with him.
"Your problem is your fat" says the doctor. "I'd like a
second opion" responds the man. "OK, your ugly too"
replies the doctor.

(Also see 'Old Man Has Physical With Wife' in ELDERLY4)
My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed
a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen.
I told him, "Just give them your underwear."

Patient: Will I be able to read when I get my glasses?
Doctor: You certainly will, my boy.
Patient: Well, that's fine. I never knew how before!

From LAWS file.
In Boston, Massachusetts it is illegal to take a bath
unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so....

From: humorlist-digest V2 #1 on 98-01-01
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what
they do practice?

From: RFSlick on 98-04-10 (S63)
This kid with a carrot in one ear, a peanut in the other,
and peas up his nose went to the doctor. The kid said,
"Doc, I'm not feelig well." The doctor said, "Of course
not, my boy, you're not eating right."

From: RFSlick on 98-05-27 (S258)
and From: dogbyte on 1/6/2002
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned
to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #178 (S104)
I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in
my eyes, and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it
was just the Mace.

From: auntieg on 98-02-12
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for
a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of
his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely
5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached,
the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut
extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made
with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in
at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, and exclaimed,
"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the
bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/26/2001 (S243)
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-- Erma Bombeck

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/6/2002 (S258)
"Never accept a drink from a urologist."
-- Erma Bombeck

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/3/2002 (S258)
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills,
and kills you with his bills.

From: dogbyte on 3/28/2002 (S269c)
The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino
and asked to have her husband paged. "Sorry, Madam," came
the reply, "The house does not make doctor calls!"

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/3/2002 (S292b)
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only
advise his clients to plant vines.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Top
Subj: Doctor Question ? Answers (S148)

Q: Why did the doctor bring his eyechart into the classroom?
A: Because he wanted to test the pupils!

Q: What do doctors keep a bowl of boiling water handy
during child birth?
A: Because if its still-born they can make some soup.

Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a
gynecologist?
A: The genealogist looks up the family tree...
And the gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Q: What does a OBGYN and the pizza guy have in common?
A: They can both smell it, but they can't eat it!

Q: How can you tell a head nurse?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees!

From: BREWONETO on 98-02-16
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have
in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.

From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 12/02/1999
Q: How can you tell if you have a cheap doctor?
A: He takes Friday off to play miniature golf.

Q: How can you tell when a surgeon is not thinking about
the operation?
A: Before he makes an incision, he yells "Fore!"

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Another Doctor Smileyfrom
Smiliemania.da

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