(Includes 7 jokes and articles)
Satellite from
Society of Our Lady of the Most Holy Trinity
| Subj:
Engineer2 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 7 jokes and articles) |
|
Satellite from Society of Our Lady of the Most Holy Trinity |
ENGINEER1 contains jokes
ENGINEER2 & 3 contains oddities
and short jokes
============================================================Top
 |
Subj:
German Parking Garage (S485 in Germany)
From: darrell94590 on 5/9/2006 |
Five cannibals are hired as engineers
in a defense company.
During the welcoming ceremony
the boss says, "You're all
part of our team now.
You can earn good money here, and
you can go to the cafeteria
for something to eat. So please
don't trouble any of the other
employees". The cannibals
promise to be good.
Four weeks later the boss returns
and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very
satisfied with all of you.
However, one of our janitors
has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the
leader of the cannibals says
to the others, "Which of you
idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to
which the leader of the
cannibals replies, "You fool!
For four weeks we've been
eating Supervisors, Team Leaders,
and Project Managers
and no one noticed anything,
and you have to go and eat
the janitor!"
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Retired
Engineer Is Hired (S172)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/31/97
and
From: thebartend on 5/17/00
There was an engineer who had
an exceptional gift for
fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired. Several
years later his company contacted
him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were
having with one of their
multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything
and everyone else to get the
machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called
on the retired engineer who had
solved so many of their problems
in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took
the challenge. He spent a day
studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day he marked
a small x in chalk on a particular
component of the machine
and proudly stated, "This is
where your problem is". The
part was replaced and the machine
worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for
$50,000 from the engineer
for his service. They
demanded an itemized accounting of
his charges. The engineer responded
briefly:
One chalk mark .. ..... .....
$1
Knowing where to put it .....
$49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: The
Engineer's Valentine (S54)
From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97
I was alone and all was dark
Beneath me and above
My life was full of volts and
amps
But not the spark of love
But now that you are here with
me
My heart is overjoyed
You turn the square of my heart
Into a sinusoid
You load things from my memory
Onto my system's bus
My life was once assembly code
Now it's C++
I love the way you solder things
My circuts you can fix
The voltage across your diode
is
much more then just point six
With your amps and resistors
You have built my integrator
I cannot survive without you
You are my function generator
You have charged my life, increased
my gain
And made my maths discrete
And now I'll end my poem here
Control, Alt, and Delete
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Engineers
Explained
From: mbucher on 98-03-05
People who work in the fields
of science and technology are
not like other people.
This can be frustrating to the non-
technical people who have to
deal with them. The secret to
coping with technology-oriented
people is to understand
their motivations. This
chapter will teach you everything
you need to know. I learned
their customs and mannerisms
by observing them, much the
way Jane Goodall learned about
the great apes, but without
the hassle of grooming.
SOCIAL SKILLS:
Engineers have different objectives
when it comes to social
interaction. "Normal"
people expect to accomplish several
unrealistic things from social
interaction:
.Stimulating and thought-provoking
conversation
.Important social contacts
.A feeling of connectedness
with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people,
engineers have rational
objectives for social interaction:
.Get it over with as soon as
possible
.Avoid getting invited to something
unpleasant
.Demonstrate mental superiority
and mastery of all subjects
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS:
To the engineer, all matter in
the universe can be placed
into one of two categories:
.Things that need to be fixed,
and
.Things that will need to be
fixed after you've had a few
minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems.
If there are no problems
handily available, they will
create their own problems.
Normal people don't understand
this concept; they believe
that if it ain't broke, don't
fix it.
Engineers believe that if it
ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television
remote control without
wondering what it would take
to turn it into a stun gun.
No engineer can take a shower
without wondering if some
sort of Teflon coating would
make showering unnecessary.
To the engineer, the world is
a toy box full of the sub-
optimized and feature-poor toys.
HONESTY:
Engineers are always honest in
matters of technology and
human relationships. That's
why it's a good idea to keep
engineers away from customers,
romantic interests, and
other people who can't handle
the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the
truth to avoid work. They
say things that sound like lies
but technically are not
because nobody could be expected
to believe them. The
complete list of engineer lies
is listed below.
."I won't change anything without
asking you first."
."I'll return your hard-to-find
cable tomorrow."
."I have to have new equipment
to do my job."
."I'm not jealous of your new
computer."
FRUGALITY:
Engineers are notoriously frugal.
This is not because of
cheapness or mean spirit; it
is simply because every
spending situation is simply
a problem in optimization,
that is, "how can I escape this
situation while retaining
the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION:
If there is one trait that best
defines an engineer it is
the ability to concentrate on
one subject to the complete
exclusion of everything else
in the environment. This
sometimes causes engineers to
be pronounced dead prematurely.
Some funeral homes in high-tech
areas have started checking
resumes before processing the
bodies. Anybody with a degree
in electrical engineering or
experience in computer pro-
gramming is propped up in the
lounge for a few days just to
see if he or she snaps out of
it.
RISK:
Engineers hate risk. They
try to eliminate it when they
can. This is understandable,
given that when an engineer
makes one little mistake the
media will treat it like it
is a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS:
.Hindenberg
.Space Shuttle Challenger
.SPANet (tm)
.Hubble space telescope
.Apollo 13
.Titanic
.Ford Pinto
.Corvair
The risk/reward calculation for
engineers looks something
like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and
the death of thousands of
innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation
in a handsome
plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers
evaluate this balance
of risks and rewards and decide
that risk is not a good
thing. The best way to
avoid risk is by advising that any
activity is technically impossible
for reasons that are
far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not
sufficient to halt projects,
then the engineer will fall
back to a second line of defense;
"It's technically
possible, but it will cost too
much."
EGO:
Ego-wise two things are important to engineers:
.How smart they are
.How many cool devices they
own
The fastest way to get an engineer
to solve a problem is
to declare that the problem
is unsolvable. No engineer
can walk away from an unsolvable
problem until it's solved.
No illness or distraction is
sufficient to get the engineer
off the case. These types of
challenges quickly become
personal, a battle between the
engineer and the laws of
nature. Engineers will
go without food and hygiene for
days to solve a problem. (Other
times just because they
forgot.)
Nothing is more threatening to
the engineer than the
suggestion that somebody has
more technical skill. Normal
people sometimes use that knowledge
as a lever to extract
more work from the engineer.
When an engineer says that
something can't be done (a code
phrase that means it's
not fun to do), some clever
normal people have learned
to glance at the engineer with
a look of compassion and
pity and say something along
these lines; "I'll ask Bob
to figure it out. He knows how
to solve difficult
technical problems." At
that point it is a good idea for
the normal person to not stand
between the engineer and
the problem. The engineer
will set upon the problem like
a started Chihuahua on a pork
chop.
(stolen from a website at the
University of Wisconsin)
home page--> http://ww2.sd.cybernex.net/~ctkparsh/
The Computing Padre says, "Blessed
are they who compute,
for theirs is the kingdom of
cyberspace."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
| Subj:
Civil Engineering Wallpaper (S446b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/17/2005 |
 |
You can view this revealing computer
wallpaper at the source
above, or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: You
Might Be An Engineer If... (S138)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/22/1999
... Choosing to buy flowers for your
girlfriend or upgrading
your RAM is a moral
dilemma.
... You take a cruise so you can go
on a personal tour of the
engine room.
... The sales people at the local
computer store can't answer
any of your questions.
... You bought your wife a new CD-ROM
drive for her birthday.
... You can quote scenes from any
Monty Python movie.
... You can type 70 words per minute
but can't read your own
handwriting.
... You comment to your wife that
her straight hair is nice
and parallel.
... You have saved every power cord
from all your broken
appliances.
... You have more friends on the Internet
than in real life.
... You know what http:// stands for.
... You look forward to Christmas
so you can put the kids'
toys together.
... You see a good design and still
have to change it.
... You window shop at Radio Shack.
... Your laptop computer costs more
than your car.
... Your wife hasn't the foggiest
idea of what you do at work.
... You've already calculated how
much you make per second.
... You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
... You have no life - and you can
PROVE it mathematically.
... You enjoy pain.
... You know vector calculus but you
can't remember how to
do long division.
... You chuckle whenever anyone says
"centrifugal force."
... You've actually used every single
function on your
graphing calculator.
... When you look in a mirror, you
see a engineering major.
... It is sunny and 70 degrees outside,
and you are working on
a computer.
... You frequently whistle the theme
song to "MacGyver."
... You always do homework on Friday
nights.
... You know how to integrate a chicken
and can take the
derivative of water.
... You think in "math."
... You've calculated that the World
Series actually diverges.
... You hesitate to look at something
because you don't want
to break down its
wave function.
... You have a pet named after a scientist.
... You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
... The Humane society has you arrested
because you actually
performed the
Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
... You can translate English into
Binary.
... You can't remember what's behind
the door in the science
building which
says "Exit."
... You have to bring a jacket with
you, in the middle of summer,
because there's
a wind-chill factor in the lab.
... You are completely addicted to
caffeine.
... You avoid doing anything because
you don't want to contribute
to the eventual
heat-death of the universe.
... You consider ANY non-science course
"easy."
... When your professor asks you where
your homework is, you
claim to have accidentally
determined its momentum so
precisely, that
according to Heisenberg it could be any-
where in the universe.
... The "fun" center of your brain
has deteriorated from lack
of use.
... You'll assume that a "horse" is
a "sphere" in order to
make the math easier.
... Your "Far Side" desk calendar
is four months behind.
... You can speak sentences with four
or more acronyms in them.
... You can understand sentences with
four or more acronyms
in them.
... The term "sanitation engineer"
actually bothers you.
... You own three calculators.
... You wear old running shoes on
Friday.
... You still wear those knit ties.
... The highlight of your trip to
Las Vegas was a tour of
Hoover Dam.
... You have ever ridden an escalator
and mentally
calculated the
horsepower necessary to run it.
... You have automatic everything
in your house, but none
of it meets the
National Electrical Code.
... You know more about what's inside
the TV than what
programs are on
it.
... You know Frame Relay is not an
Olympic event.
... You own more than three mechanical
pencils.
... You have more cable TV and telephone
outlets in your
house than electrical
outlets.
... The people at Radio Shack ask
you questions.
... You have ever tried to network
your home PC, microwave
oven and garage-door
opener.
... You own eight neckties, all identical.
... Your car has two more antennas
than it came with.
... Your spouse keeps tripping over
the wire you strung --
temporarily-- three
years ago.
... You are on a first-name basis
with the sales staff of a
major parts
mail-order house.
... You have more compilers than computers.
... You look at the assembler output
of your compiler because
"you know you can
do better."
... You know how many transistors
were in each x86 chip put
out by Intel.
... You bought Windows 2.0, and liked
it.
... You dated the keypunch operator
to get special treatment.
... You can count in binary on your
fingers.
... You answer, "I'll tell you but
then I'll have to kill you."
... Your children ask a question like
"How do radios work?"
and have no
further questions after your explanation.
... You put a hanging ground strap
on your car.
... You've wired every room in your
house for 10 Base T
(Cat5, of course)
... You keep the knobs off junk electronics
stuff, just in case.
... You can do a roadside repair of
your car's ECM, but
can't change a
flat.
... You've fitted transponders to
your kids and pets so you
know where they
are at all times. (okay so maybe not yet,
but I know you've
thought about it!)
... You've instrumented the department
coffee maker so you
can tell from your
workstation when someone has started
a fresh pot.
... You use a stapler to stitch a
hole in your pocket.
... You calculate the best patterns
to mow your lawn
in the least amount
of time.
... You are better with a Karnaugh
map than you are with
a street map.
... You still think Tron was the best
movie ever made.
... At a traffic intersection you
try to figure out the
synchronization
pattern between your car's wipers and
the others'.
... You and your spouse have developed
a discrete (as in
non-public) signal
to let you know when your penchant
for factual accuracy
is killing a good story.
... One computer, keyboard, mouse
and screen is not enough
for you.
You spend your evening and/or night watching
at least three
screens at the same time.
... You have at least one historical
computer in your closet.
... Your cooking is always burned
because of the million
other things you
do at the same time.
... You take along a printout of the
schedule of your family
vacation.
... You've ever said that even if
you didn't need the money
and they didn't
pay you, you'd still work for free.
... At home, you find the idea of
moving a wall more
attractive than
the idea of painting it.
... You can name all the cards in
your PC without looking.
... You empty your pockets at home
at night and amongst the
change you find
two resistors, a NiCad battery and a
75-ohm terminator.
... You are uninterested in Olympic
events that involve
subjective judging
(skating, gymnastics, diving, etc.)
... Your husband puts up wall-mounted
bookshelves and you
can tell by eye
that the left side is 1/8 inch lower
than the right.
... You always have to explain things
by drawing it out on
paper or a napkin.
... You understood more than five
of these indicators.
... You make a hard copy of this list,
and post it on
your door.
... You read this list in entirety.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: You
Know You're An Engineer If...
Engineer Identification Test
Engineering is so trendy these
days that everybody wants to
be one. The word "engineer"
is greatly overused. If there
is somebody in your life who
you think is trying to pass as
an engineer, give him this test
to discern the truth.
o
You walk into a room and notice
that a picture
____/_\____
is hanging crooked.
You...
|`---------`|
|| A___ ||
A. Straighten it.
|| /^\##\ ||
B. Ignore it.
|| |LI__| ||
C. Buy a CAD system and spend
the next six jgs
|.---------.|
months designing
a solar-powered, self-
`"""""""""""`
adjusting picture
frame while often stating
aloud your belief
that the inventor of the nail was a
total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but
partial credit can be given
to anybody who writes "It depends"
in the margin of the
test or simply blames the whole
stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives
when it comes to social
interaction. "Normal" people
expect to accomplish several
unrealistic things from social
interaction:
* Stimulating and
thought-provoking conversation
* Important social
contacts
* A feeling of
connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people,
engineers have rational
objectives for social interactions:
* Get it over with
as soon as possible.
* Avoid getting
invited to something unpleasant.
* Demonstrate mental
superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter
in the universe can be placed
into one of
(1) things that need to
be fixed, and...
(2) things that will
need to be fixed after you've
had a few minutes to play with them.
.--.
.-========-.
Engineers like to solve problems.
If there are no | === [__] |
problems handily available,
they will create their | [__][__] |
own problems. Normal people
don't understand this | o
==== |
concept; they believe that if
it ain't broke, don't | LILILILI |
fix it. Engineers believe
that if it ain't broke, | LILILILI
|
it doesn't have enough features
yet.
| LILILILI |
| LILILILI |
No engineer looks at a television
remote control |
__ __ |
without wondering what it would
take to turn it into | [__][__] |
a stun gun. No engineer
can take a shower without | [__][][]
|
wondering if some sort of Teflon
coating would make | [__] == |
showering unnecessary.
To the engineer, the world is |
OOO |
a toy box full of suboptimized
and feature-poor toys. '-========-'
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
|
__,--./|.--,__
Clothes are the lowest priority
.` \ \ / / `.
for an engineer, assuming the
.` \ | /
`. basic thresholds for
temperature
/ / ^|^
\ \ and decency have
been satisfied.
/
/ | |o | \
\
/===/
| | | \===\
If no appendages are freezing or
/___/
| |o | \___\
sticking together, and if no
| | |
genitalia or mammary glands are
| |o |
swinging around in plain view,
| | |
then the objective of clothing
| |o |
has been met. Anything else is
| | |
a waste.
| |o | jgs
|_____/\_____|
(\/)
\/ (\/)
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
/))))))))) \/
//) __ __\ ,%%%%%%%%%,
Dating is never easy for engineers.
C==/_o|^|o_\ ,%%%%%%%%%%%%,
A normal person will employ
various | _\
) %/_ _%%%%%%%
indirect and duplicitous methods
to \ '---'/
/_o|^|o_\=?%%%
create a false impression of
attrac- _/`-. __.'_ (
/_ @%%,
tiveness. Engineers are
incapable
\ \'====' /%%%
of placing appearance above
function. jgs
_'-----' \%%%"
Fortunately, engineers have
an ace
/ `
in the hole. They are
widely recognized as superior
marriage material: intelligent,
dependable, employed, honest,
and handy around the house.
While it's true that many normal
people would prefer not to date
an engineer, most normal
people harbor an intense desire
to mate with them, thus
producing engineer-like children
who will have high-paying
jobs long before losing their
virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak
of sexual attractiveness
later than normal men, becoming
irresistible erotic
dynamos in their mid thirties
to late forties. Just
look at these examples of sexually
irresistible men in
technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible
at the age of consent
and remain that way until about
thirty minutes after their
clinical death. Longer
if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest
in matters of technology and
human relationships. That's
why it's a good idea to keep
engineers away from customers,
romantic interests, and
other people who can't handle
the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the
truth to avoid work. They
say things that sound like lies
but technically are not
because nobody could be expected
to believe them. The
complete list of engineer lies
is listed below.
"I won't change
anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your
hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have
new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous
of your new computer."
.-----------------.
FRUGALITY
|$100 ~~~~~~~ $100|
| S o (0) o S |
Engineers are notoriously frugal.
This is |$100 _==^==_ $100|
not because of cheapness or
mean spirit; it `-----------------'
is simply because every spending
situation
is simply a problem in optimization,
that is, "How can I
escape this situation while
retaining the greatest amount
of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that can
best define an engineer, it
is the ability to concentrate
on one subject to the complete
exclusion of everything else
in the environment. This
sometimes causes engineers to
be pronounced dead prematurely.
Some funeral homes in high-tech
area have started checking
resumes before processing the
bodies.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They
try to eliminate it whenever they
can. This is understandable,
given that when an engineer
makes one little mistake the
media will treat it like it's
a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg.
_..--=--..._
* Space Shuttle
Challenger. .-'
'-. .-.
* Hubble space
telescope.
/.'
'.\/ /
* Apollo 13.
|=-
-=| (
* Titanic.
\'.
.'/\ \
* Ford Pinto.
'-.,_____ _____.-' '-'
* Corvair.
jgs [_____]=8
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK:
Public humiliation and the death
of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD:
A certificate of appreciation
in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers
evaluate this balance of
risks and rewards and decide
that risk is not a good thing.
The best way to avoid risk is
by advising that any activity
is technically impossible for
reasons that are far too
complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient
to halt the project, then
the engineer will fall back
to a second line of defense:
"It's technically possible but
it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important
to engineers:
* How smart they
are.
* How many cool
devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer
to solve a problem is to
declare that the problem is
unsolvable. No engineer can
walk away from an unsolvable
problem until it's solved. No
illness or distraction is sufficient
to get the engineer
off the case. These types
of challenges quickly become
personal -- a battle between
the engineer and the laws of
nature.
Engineers will go without food
and hygiene for days to solve
a problem. (Other times
just because they forgot.) And
when they succeed in solving
the problem they will experience
an ego rush that is better than
sex -- and I'm including the
kind of sex where other people
are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to
the engineer than the
suggestion that somebody has
more technical skill. Normal
people sometimes use that knowledge
as a lever to extract
more work from the engineer.
When an engineer says that
something can't be done (a code
phrase that means it's not
fun to do), some clever normal
people have learned to
glance at the engineer with
a look of compassion and pity
and say something along these
lines: "I'll ask Bob to
figure it out. He knows
how to solve difficult technical
problems."
,
/-.__ At that point it is a good
idea for the normal
((___/ ___/
person to not stand between the engineer and
/
} the problem.
The engineer will set upon the
\ .--.(
___ problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork
jgs \\ \\
(o__) chop.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Why
Engineers Don't Write Cook Books
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/20/98
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated
tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of
protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated
avian
albumen-coated
protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated
legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor
vessel (reactor #1) with an
overall heat transfer coefficient
of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr,
add ingredients one, two and
three with constant agitation.
In a second 2-L reactor vessel
with a radial flow impeller
operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients
four, five, six, and
seven until the mixture is homogenous.
To reactor #2, add ingredient
eight, followed by three
equal volumes of the homogenous
mixture in reactor #1.
Additionally, add ingredient
nine and ten slowly, with
constant agitation. Care
must be taken at this point in
the reaction to control any
temperature rise that may be
the result of an exothermic
reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached
to a #4 nodulizer, place
the mixture piece-meal on a
316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).
Heat in a 460K oven for a period
of time that is in
agreement with Frank & Johnston's
first order rate
expression (see JACOS, 21, 55),
or until golden brown.
Once the reaction is complete,
place the sheet on a 25C
heat-transfer table, allowing
the product to come to
equilibrium.
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| Subj:
Can Food Art (S469 in Food-Etc)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/13/2006 |
 |
NYC Design and Build Canned Goods
Competition Architects
and engineers compete to see
whose team can build the most
spectacular structure using
little more than cans of food.
The exhibit at New York Design
Center is open to the public.
At the end of the competition,
the 130,000 cans will be
given to the Food Bank of New
York City. For more
information, visit http://www.canstruction.org/
You can view nine pictures from
the competition at the sources
above, or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
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 |
Smiley gets Squeezed from
GIFs Rubrik:Neon Smiley |