(Includes 45 jokes and articles, 30780n,12,cf)
ENGINEER1 contains jokes
ENGINEER2 & 3 contains oddities and short jokes
Turbo Encabulator (S780)
The original technical description
of the turboencabulator
appeared dated August 24, 1942 in a pamphlet published by
Arthur D. Little and signed by Arthur Dehon Little.
In 1962 a turboencabulator data
sheet was created by engineers
at General Electric's Instrument Department, in West Lynn,
Massachusetts. It quoted from the previous sources and was
inserted into the General Electric Handbook. The turbo-
encabulator data sheet had the same format as the other pages
in the G.E. Handbook. The engineers added "Shure Stat" in
"Technical Features", which was peculiar only to the Instrument
Department, and included the first known graphic representation
of a "manufactured" turboencabulator using parts made at the
Circa 1977 Bud Haggart, an actor
who appeared in many industrial
training films in and around Detroit, performed in the first
film realization of the description and operation of the
"Turboencabulator", using a truncated script adapted from the
1955 "The Institution of Electrical Engineers, Students Quarterly
Journal". Bud convinced director Dave Rondot and the film crew
to stay after the filming of an actual GMC Trucks project
training film to realize the Turboencabulator spot.
Click on either of the top two
sources, or 'HERE' for my copy,
to see this great engineering video.
Subj: Real Engineers...
From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97
Real Engineers consider themselves
if their socks match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses
a set of matched
screwdrivers for their birthday.
Real Engineers wear moustaches
or beards for "efficiency".
Not because they're lazy.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
Real Engineers know the second
law of thermodynamics,
but not their own shirt size.
Real Engineers repair their own
televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees
Fahrenheit, 25 degrees
Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is
"Isn't it a nice day"
Real Engineers give you the feeling
you're having a
conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
Real Engineers wear badges so
they don't forget who they
are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer
me a ride today. I drove my own car".
Real Engineers' politics run
towards acquiring a parking
space with their name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers rotate their tyres for laughs.
Real Engineers will make four
sets of drawings (with seven
revisions) before making a bird bath.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain
a Phillips screwdriver,
a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
Subj: Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer
From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
1) Complimentary Tutoring
2) Large Earning Potential
3) Can handle stress and strain in relationships
4) Know all the dynamics of relative motion
5) Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
6) FREE body diagrams
7) Always back up their hard drives
8) Trained to do it right the first time
9) Specialized in experimentation
10)Can go all night with no hint of fatigue
Second Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer
10. Why not?
9. They are user friendly
8. No need to call a handy man
7. Learn how to use the other buttons on your calculator
6. Homework help without the guilt
5. They will make lots of money
4. Not all of them wear dark blue jeans
3. They know how to push the right buttons
2. They understand heat-transfer
1. They are used to pulling all nighters
Subj: Ultimate List Of Pick-Up Lines To Use On Engineers
From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
1. I won't stop bugging you
until I get the address
of your home page.
2. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem
3. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let
velocity and time approach infinity, because I want
to go all the way with you.
4. My love for you is like a concave up function
because it is always increasing.
5. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
6. Wanna come back to my room? ...and see my 166mhz Pentium?
7. How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
8. You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
9. You're sweeter than glucose.
10. We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
11. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction
between you and me?
12. Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?
13. Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.
14. Isn't your e-mail address firstname.lastname@example.org
15. You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!
Rube Goldberg Device (S550)
This 12,700 KB movie of a great
Rube Goldberg device can be
seen at the the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Basic Electronics (S188)
From: RFSlick on 09/05/2000
Technical Service Bulletin
Professional Service =
General Manager - Sales Manager
- Service Manager
- Parts Manager
- Service Technicians
I was working on a home electronics
project the other day,
and as I was testing it, I came across probably the most
important realization and discovery of my life, and
probably of this century. I had incorrectly wired a diode
on a P.C. Board. It was when I powered up the micro-
processor that I discovered, what, for years, those of us
that have to work with and repair electronics and electrical
circuits have been totally incorrect in our basic beliefs
about how these things really work.
I had discovered that in reality,
it is SMOKE that makes
all electrical things work!!! Remember the last time smoke
escaped from your voltage regulator? Didn't it quit working??
I sat there at my workbench and smiled like an idiot, as more
of the truth dawned. Of course!! …It's the wiring harness
that carries the smoke from one device to another, and, if
the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out of every-
thing at once, and then nothing works. It should be obvious
to anyone at this point that my theory has to be correct.
However, to further prove my
theory, and do away with any
possible speculation, I ask you to look at the starter….
The starter motor obviously requires large quantities of
smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire going to
it is so large!!!
If improvements to wiring are
to be achieved, we are going
to have to find a way to keep smoke from leaking out of the
wiring - much the same as we do Air in tires.
Subj: The Engineer Song (S174)
..........From: collins2 on 5/29/00
(sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies.")
"Come and listen to a story 'bout
a man named Jed,"
"A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,"
"But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,"
"He said ""They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer"",
"CADD that is ... CRT's ... Microstation;"
"Well the first thing ya know
ol' Jed's a Petroleum Engineer,"
"The kinfolk said ""Jed move away from here"","
"They said ""Houston, Texas is the place ya oughta be"","
"So he drove until he felt the heat and humidity,"
"Summer that is ... no shade ... even your toenails sweat;"
"On his first day at work they
stuck him in a cube,"
"Fed him a donut and sat him at a tube,"
"They said ""Your project's late but we know just what to do,"
"Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
"Overtime that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory;"
"The weeks rolled by and things
were looking pretty bad,"
"Some schedules got slipped and the boss was gettin' mad,"
"They called another meeting and decided on a fix,"
"They answer was simple, "'We'll work him sixty-six'"
"Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life;"
"Well the months turned to years
and his hair was turning gray,"
"Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away,"
"Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,"
"Instead he got called in and escorted out the door,"
"Laid-off that is ... Downsized ... Unemployed."
"Ya'll come back as a contractor now, Ya heah?"
Subj: Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach (S51)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98
10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit
works, not why it does
8. Not everything works according
to the specs
in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn
will be obsolete before you
use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having
an 8 a.m. class and
a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine
go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.
Subj: Electrical Engineering Purity Test, Version 1.0
From: (c)1994 Nabeel Ibrahim
You may distribute this freely,
but please leave the headers
intact. This test consists of 50 yes/no questions to test
your Electrical Engineering Purity. You score 1 point for
each "Yes" and 0 points for each "No," except where noted.
Total Score = ] your score for question k
(that's a summation symbol)
MAIL ANY COMMENTS/SUGGESTIONS TO: email@example.com
0 Have you ever discharged
1 Done 0 twice in one day?
10 Done 0 with your tongue?
11 Have you ever doped silicon?
100 Done 11 with someone else?
101 Done 11 with two or more people?
110 Done 11 with someone without knowing their name?
111 Have you ever tweaked a resistor? (oh, that's so sexy...)
1000 Have you ever blown up an electrolytic capacitor?
1001 Done 1000 while an animal watched?
1010 Have you ever fondled a 10K resistor?
1011 Have you ever derived an equation?
1100 Done 1011 with a member of the opposite sex?
1101 Have you ever worn a pocket protector?
1110 Have you ever checked your email more than 10 times
in one day?
1111 Done 1110 for one week straight?
10000 Have you ever made a joke about transistors?
10001 Have you ever laughed at a joke about transistors?
(this one is worth 3 points)
10010 Have you ever wondered how the circuitry would work
in that liquid metal guy in T2?
10011 Have you ever used Ohm's Law to excess?
10100 Done 10011 while someone of the opposite sex watched?
10101 Done 10011 with a large ungulate (hooved animal)?
10110 (Guys only) Have you ever counted the number of
females in one of your EE classes so you could gain
sympathy from friends in Liberal Arts?
10111 Do you speak in assembly?
11000 Has your skin color changed as a result of spending
too much time in front of a terminal? (That green
tone really works for me...)
11001 Have you ever had a serious discussion with someone
about whether CISC is better than RISC?
11010 Have you ever used :-) to excess?
11011 Have you ever had to explain :-) to a friend?
11100 Have Fourier, LaPlace, or Maxwell ever visited you
in a dream? (This one is worth 20 points. You
*should* not, under any circumstances, fantasize
11101 Have you ever read "The Sex Life of an Electron"?
11110 Can you rapidly count to 100d in binary?
11111 Do you have more than 5 computer accounts?
100000 Do you have more than 10 computer accounts? (Geek!)
100001 Have you ever laughed at a Liberal Arts major because
they couldn't find a job? (You should it's really fun)
100010 Are you addicted to reverse polish(HP) notation?
100011 Have you ever slept with your significant other
(girlfriend/boyfriend) on the floor of a computer lab?
100100 Have you ever been in a relationship with someone
you met through email or a newsgroup?
100101 Have you ever been turned on by a transistor?
100110 Have you ever turned on a transistor?
100111 Have you ever measured ground bounce?
101000 Done 100111 with an inanimate object?
101001 Done 100111 with a cadaver?
101010 Have you ever faked a bias point? (Have you no
101011 Have you ever had an intimate encounter with
a voltage supply?
101100 Have you ever watched while someone else had an
intimate encounter with a voltage supply?
101101 Have you ever probed a circuit?
101110 Done 101101 with other people watching?
101111 Done 101101 more than five times in one day?
110000 Done 101101 without protection? (You should
really wear a ground strap!)
110001 Did you laugh while taking this quiz? (This one
should be worth 30, but it's only worth 2)
00-15 points ==] Go back to your English class.
15-25 points ==] Either you have a life or you are an
25-35 points ==] You can feel your life slipping through
your fingers as you get sucked into the
world of Electrical Engineering. It could
be worse...you could be in CS.
35-45 points ==] You should definitely go to grad school in EE.
45-72 points ==] You are a lost cause. You're the EE equivalent
of Carl Sagan. Please do not contact me...ever.
Note: Please send me your
score, as I am trying to accumulate
enough data to do a statistical analysis...seriously!!
Subj: Problem Solving P R O C E S S
YES ============================= NO
+-----------|| Does the Darn Thing work? ||-----------+
| ============================= |
+----------+ +---------+ +---------+
| Don't | NO | Does | +-------+ YES | Did you |
| mess | +---| anyone |[------| YOU |[---------| mess |
| with it! | | | know? | | MORON | | with it |
+----------+ | +---------+ +-------+ +---------+
| V | YES | NO
| +------+ +-----------+ |
| | HIDE | V V
| | IT | +--------+ +-----------+
| +------+ | YOU | YES | WILL THEY |
| | +------->| POOR |[------------| CATCH YOU?|
| | | |BASTARD!| +-----------+
| | | |________| | NO
| | | | |
| | | V V
| | | +---------------+ +-----------+
| | | NO | CAN YOU BLAME | |DESTROY THE|
| | +------| SOMEONE ELSE? | | EVIDENCE |
| | +---------------+ +-----------+
| | | YES |
| | v |
| | ============================ |
| +---->|| N O ||[---------+
+------------>|| P R O B L E M ||
Subj: Short Engineering Jokes
The Sears Tower Skydeck (S696)
From: ft.apache on 5/14/2010
Sign from TheSkydeck.com
Engineering Gone Bad (S571b)
Paper Airplanes - Nakamura (S546b)
Jay Leno On Skywalk (S543b)
Grand Canyon Glass Bridge (S519)
Text source: http://www.snopes.com/photos/architecture/skywalk.asp
Computer Engineer Job Sign (S505b)
Tallest Bridge (S505c)
The Backhoe Vs The Overpass (S498)
Water Bridge (S455)
It is located in the city of
Magdeburg, near Berlin. The
photo was taken on the day of inauguration. You can view
a distant picture at the source above, or a close up on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Ten Japanese Bridges (S443)
Subj: Car Stops For Three Engineers (S265b, S640)
From: BennoRo on 2/24/2002
(Also see 'Three Computer People Have A Car Problem' - COMPUTERS3
and see 'Software & Hardware Engineers And.Manager's Car Stops'
in PROGRAMMER file)
A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer and a software
engineer from Microsoft were driving through the desert
when their car broke down. The mechanical engineer said
"It seems to be a problem with the fuel injection system,
why don't we pop the hood and I'll take a look at it."
To which the electrical engineer replied, "No I think it's
just a loose ground wire, I'll get out and take a look."
Then, the Microsoft engineer suggests: "No, no, no. If we
just close up all the windows, get out, wait a few minutes,
get back in, and then reopen the windows everything will
Subj: Comprehending Engineers (S138 & S333)
From: Anaise on 09/24/1999
and From: szalay on 6/18/2003
To the optimist, the glass is
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
"Normal people ... believe that
if it ain't broke, don't
fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it
doesn't have enough features yet."
-- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
Technicians think they are engineers.
Engineers think they are physicists.
Physicists think they are mathematicians.
Mathematicians think they are philosophers.
Philosophers think they are technicians.
(Local philosophy prof sprayed WD-40 in his VCR.)
Engineers want to be experimental
Experimental physicists want to be theoretical physicists.
Theoretical physicists want to be mathematicians.
Mathematicians want to be philosophers.
Philosophers want to be theologians.
Theologians want to be engineers.
Engineering is the art of moulding
materials we do not fully
understand into shapes we cannot fully analyse and preventing
the public from realising the full extent of our ignorance."
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they
just lose their bearings
OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact
What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship
between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005
Engineer: Pi is about 3.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #88 on 98-04-10
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources
Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood
of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well,
what would you say to a package
of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and
dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary,
and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Q: What is one-trillionth of
A: A pico-boo.
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98 (S161
and From: DoctorDebt on 6/17/2004
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers
From: icohen on 3/3/00 (S161)
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes
instead of his own.
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/24/2009 (S655b)
Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train engineer?
A: A teacher trains the mind, the engineer minds the train.
|Smiley Blue Print from