(Includes 42 jokes and articles)
Calipers from
Animation Factory
| Subj:
Engineer3 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 42 jokes and articles) |
|
Calipers from Animation Factory |
ENGINEER1 contains jokes
ENGINEER2 & 3 contains oddities
and short jokes
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Rube Goldberg Device (S550)
From: momndadac on 8/2/2007 |
 |
This 12,700 KB movie of a great
Rube Goldberg device can be
seen at the the source above,
or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Basic
Electronics (S188)
From: RFSlick on 09/05/2000
Technical Service Bulletin
Technical
Information +
Professional
Service =
Customer
Satisfaction
Of interest:
General Manager - Sales Manager
- Service Manager
- Parts Manager
- Service Technicians
I was working on a home electronics
project the other day,
and as I was testing it, I came
across probably the most
important realization and discovery
of my life, and
probably of this century.
I had incorrectly wired a diode
on a P.C. Board. It was
when I powered up the micro-
processor that I discovered,
what, for years, those of us
that have to work with and repair
electronics and electrical
circuits have been totally incorrect
in our basic beliefs
about how these things really
work.
I had discovered that in reality,
it is SMOKE that makes
all electrical things work!!!
Remember the last time smoke
escaped from your voltage regulator?
Didn't it quit working??
I sat there at my workbench
and smiled like an idiot, as more
of the truth dawned. Of
course!! …It's the wiring harness
that carries the smoke from
one device to another, and, if
the harness springs a leak,
it lets the smoke out of every-
thing at once, and then nothing
works. It should be obvious
to anyone at this point that
my theory has to be correct.
However, to further prove my
theory, and do away with any
possible speculation, I ask
you to look at the starter….
The starter motor obviously
requires large quantities of
smoke to operate properly, and
that's why the wire going to
it is so large!!!
If improvements to wiring are
to be achieved, we are going
to have to find a way to keep
smoke from leaking out of the
wiring - much the same as we
do Air in tires.
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Subj: The
Engineer Song (S174)
From: collins2 on 5/29/00
(sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies.")
"Come and listen to a story 'bout
a man named Jed,"
"A poor college kid, barely
kept his family fed,"
"But then one day he was talking
to a recruiter,"
"He said ""They'll pay ya big
bucks if ya work on a computer"",
"CADD that is ... CRT's ...
Microstation;"
"Well the first thing ya know
ol' Jed's a Petroleum Engineer,"
"The kinfolk said ""Jed move
away from here"","
"They said ""Houston, Texas
is the place ya oughta be"","
"So he drove until he felt the
heat and humidity,"
"Summer that is ... no shade
... even your toenails sweat;"
"On his first day at work they
stuck him in a cube,"
"Fed him a donut and sat him
at a tube,"
"They said ""Your project's
late but we know just what to do,"
"Instead of 40 hours, we'll
work you fifty-two!"
"Overtime that is ... Unpaid
... Mandatory;"
"The weeks rolled by and things
were looking pretty bad,"
"Some schedules got slipped
and the boss was gettin' mad,"
"They called another meeting
and decided on a fix,"
"They answer was simple, "'We'll
work him sixty-six'"
"Tired that is ... Stressed
out ... No social life;"
"Well the months turned to years
and his hair was turning gray,"
"Jed worked very hard while
his life slipped away,"
"Waiting to retire when he turned
sixty-four,"
"Instead he got called in and
escorted out the door,"
"Laid-off that is ... Downsized
... Unemployed."
"Ya'll come back as a contractor now, Ya heah?"
\\\//
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Subj: Top
10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach (S51)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98
10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit
works, not why it does
not work.
8. Not everything works according
to the specs
in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn
will be obsolete before you
use it, except
the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having
an 8 a.m. class and
a late afternoon
lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine
and all-nighters,
go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.
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Subj: Real
Engineers...
From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97
Real Engineers consider themselves
well dressed
if their socks
match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses
a set of matched
screwdrivers for
their birthday.
Real Engineers wear moustaches
or beards for "efficiency".
Not because they're
lazy.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
Real Engineers know the second
law of thermodynamics,
but not their own
shirt size.
Real Engineers repair their own
cameras, telephones,
televisions, watches,
and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees
Fahrenheit, 25 degrees
Celsius, and 298
degrees Kelvin" and all you say is
"Isn't it a nice
day"
Real Engineers give you the feeling
you're having a
conversation with
a dial tone or busy signal.
Real Engineers wear badges so
they don't forget who they
are. Sometimes
a note is attached saying "Don't offer
me a ride today.
I drove my own car".
Real Engineers' politics run
towards acquiring a parking
space with their
name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers rotate their tyres for laughs.
Real Engineers will make four
sets of drawings (with seven
revisions) before
making a bird bath.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain
a Phillips screwdriver,
a copy of "Quantum
Physics", and a half of a peanut
butter sandwich.
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
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Subj: Top
Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer
From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
1) Complimentary Tutoring
2) Large Earning Potential
3) Can handle stress and strain
in relationships
4) Know all the dynamics of
relative motion
5) Learn about the benefits
of friction and viscosity
6) FREE body diagrams
7) Always back up their hard
drives
8) Trained to do it right the
first time
9) Specialized in experimentation
10)Can go all night with no
hint of fatigue
Second Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer
10. Why not?
9. They are user friendly
8. No need to call a handy
man
7. Learn how to use the
other buttons on your calculator
6. Homework help without
the guilt
5. They will make lots
of money
4. Not all of them wear
dark blue jeans
3. They know how to push
the right buttons
2. They understand heat-transfer
1. They are used to pulling
all nighters
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Subj: Ultimate
List Of Pick-Up Lines To Use On Engineers
From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
1. I won't stop bugging you
until I get the address
of your home
page.
2. You fascinate me more than
the Fundamental Theorem
of Calculus.
3. Since distance equals velocity
times time, let's let
velocity
and time approach infinity, because I want
to go all
the way with you.
4. My love for you is like
a concave up function
because it
is always increasing.
5. Let's convert our potential
energy to kinetic energy.
6. Wanna come back to my room?
...and see my 166mhz Pentium?
7. How about you and I go back
to my place and form a covalent bond?
8. You and I would add up better
than a Riemann sum.
9. You're sweeter than glucose.
10. We're as compatible as two
similar Power Macintoshes.
11. Why don't we measure the
coefficient of static friction
between you
and me?
12. Wanna see the programs in
my HP-48GX?
13. Your body has the nicest
arc length I've ever seen.
14. Isn't your e-mail address
beautifulgirl@mydreams.com
15. You're hotter than a bunsen
burner set to full power!
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Subj: Electrical
Engineering Purity Test, Version 1.0
From: (c)1994 Nabeel Ibrahim
At: ibrahim@leland.stanford.edu
You may distribute this freely,
but please leave the headers
intact. This test consists
of 50 yes/no questions to test
your Electrical Engineering
Purity. You score 1 point for
each "Yes" and 0 points for
each "No," except where noted.
____110001
\
Total Score = ]
your score for question k
/___
k=0
(that's a summation symbol)
MAIL ANY COMMENTS/SUGGESTIONS TO: ibrahim@leland.stanford.edu
0 Have you ever discharged
a capacitor?
1 Done 0 twice in one
day?
10 Done 0 with your tongue?
11 Have you ever doped
silicon?
100 Done 11 with someone
else?
101 Done 11 with two or
more people?
110 Done 11 with someone
without knowing their name?
111 Have you ever tweaked
a resistor? (oh, that's so sexy...)
1000 Have you ever blown
up an electrolytic capacitor?
1001 Done 1000 while an
animal watched?
1010 Have you ever fondled
a 10K resistor?
1011 Have you ever derived
an equation?
1100 Done 1011 with a
member of the opposite sex?
1101 Have you ever worn
a pocket protector?
1110 Have you ever checked
your email more than 10 times
in one day?
1111 Done 1110 for one
week straight?
10000 Have you ever made
a joke about transistors?
10001 Have you ever laughed
at a joke about transistors?
(this one is worth 3 points)
10010 Have you ever wondered
how the circuitry would work
in that liquid metal guy in T2?
10011 Have you ever used
Ohm's Law to excess?
10100 Done 10011 while
someone of the opposite sex watched?
10101 Done 10011 with
a large ungulate (hooved animal)?
10110 (Guys only) Have
you ever counted the number of
females in one of your EE classes so you could gain
sympathy from friends in Liberal Arts?
10111 Do you speak in
assembly?
11000 Has your skin color
changed as a result of spending
too much time in front of a terminal? (That green
tone really works for me...)
11001 Have you ever had
a serious discussion with someone
about whether CISC is better than RISC?
11010 Have you ever used
:-) to excess?
11011 Have you ever had
to explain :-) to a friend?
11100 Have Fourier, LaPlace,
or Maxwell ever visited you
in a dream? (This one is worth 20 points. You
*should* not, under any circumstances, fantasize
about EE!)
11101 Have you ever read
"The Sex Life of an Electron"?
11110 Can you rapidly
count to 100d in binary?
11111 Do you have more
than 5 computer accounts?
100000 Do you have more
than 10 computer accounts? (Geek!)
100001 Have you ever laughed
at a Liberal Arts major because
they couldn't find a job? (You should it's really fun)
100010 Are you addicted
to reverse polish(HP) notation?
100011 Have you ever slept
with your significant other
(girlfriend/boyfriend) on the floor of a computer lab?
100100 Have you ever been
in a relationship with someone
you met through email or a newsgroup?
100101 Have you ever been
turned on by a transistor?
100110 Have you ever turned
on a transistor?
100111 Have you ever measured
ground bounce?
101000 Done 100111 with
an inanimate object?
101001 Done 100111 with
a cadaver?
101010 Have you ever faked
a bias point? (Have you no
shame?!?!?)
101011 Have you ever had
an intimate encounter with
a voltage supply?
101100 Have you ever watched
while someone else had an
intimate encounter with a voltage supply?
101101 Have you ever probed
a circuit?
101110 Done 101101 with
other people watching?
101111 Done 101101 more
than five times in one day?
110000 Done 101101 without
protection? (You should
really wear a ground strap!)
110001 Did you laugh while
taking this quiz? (This one
should be worth 30, but it's only worth 2)
Scoring Scale:
00-15 points ==] Go back
to your English class.
15-25 points ==] Either
you have a life or you are an
underclassman/woman.
25-35 points ==] You can
feel your life slipping through
your fingers as you get sucked into the
world of Electrical Engineering. It could
be worse...you could be in CS.
35-45 points ==] You should
definitely go to grad school in EE.
45-72 points ==] You are
a lost cause. You're the EE equivalent
of Carl Sagan. Please do not contact me...ever.
Note: Please send me your
score, as I am trying to accumulate
enough data to do a statistical
analysis...seriously!!
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Subj: Problem
Solving P R O C E S S
From: peekstok
YES ============================= NO
+-----------||
Does the Darn Thing work? ||-----------+
|
=============================
|
V
V
+----------+
+---------+
+---------+
| Don't |
NO | Does | +-------+
YES | Did you |
| mess | +---|
anyone |[------| YOU |[---------| mess |
| with it! | | |
know? | | MORON |
| with it |
+----------+ | +---------+
+-------+ +---------+
|
V | YES
| NO
|
+------+ +-----------+
|
|
| HIDE |
V
V
|
| IT |
+--------+
+-----------+
|
+------+
| YOU | YES
| WILL THEY |
|
| +------->| POOR |[------------|
CATCH YOU?|
|
| |
|BASTARD!|
+-----------+
|
| |
|________|
| NO
|
| |
|
|
|
| |
V
V
|
| | +---------------+
+-----------+
|
| | NO | CAN YOU BLAME
| |DESTROY THE|
|
| +------| SOMEONE ELSE? |
| EVIDENCE |
|
|
+---------------+ +-----------+
|
|
| YES
|
|
|
v
|
|
| ============================
|
|
+---->|| N
O ||[---------+
+------------>||
P R O B L E M ||
============================
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Engineering Jokes
| Subj:
Engineering Gone Bad (S571b)
From: darrellvip on 12/27/2007 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Paper Airplanes - Nakamura (S546b)
From: Origami-Kids.com on 6/30/2007 |
| Subj:
Jay Leno On Skywalk (S543b)
From: edapsmas on 6/11/2007 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Grand Canyon Glass Bridge (S519)
From: drgolfmd on 1/2/2007 Text source: http://www.snopes.com/photos/architecture/skywalk.asp |
| Subj:
Computer Engineer Job Sign (S505b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/19/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Tallest Bridge (S505c)
From: auntiegah on 9/21/2006 |
| Subj:
The Backhoe Vs The Overpass (S498)
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/8/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Water Bridge (S455)
From: darrell94590 on 10/5/2005 |
It is located in the city of
Magdeburg, near Berlin. The
photo was taken on the day of
inauguration. You can view
a distant picture at the source
above, or a close up on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
| Subj:
Ten Japanese Bridges (S443)
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/12/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Car
Stops For Three Engineers (S265b)
From: BennoRo on 2/24/2002
(Also see 'Three
Computer People Have A Car Problem' - COMPUTERS3
and see 'Software
& Hardware Engineers And.Manager's
Car Stops'
in PROGRAMMER file)
A mechanical engineer, electrical
engineer and a software
engineer from Microsoft were
driving through the desert
when their car broke down.
The mechanical engineer said
"It seems to be a problem with
the fuel injection system,
why don't we pop the hood and
I'll take a look at it."
To which the electrical engineer
replied, "No I think it's
just a loose ground wire, I'll
get out and take a look."
Then, the Microsoft engineer
suggests: "No, no, no. If we
just close up all the windows,
get out, wait a few minutes,
get back in, and then reopen
the windows everything will
work fine."
Top
Subj: Comprehending
Engineers (S138 & S333)
From: Anaise on 09/24/1999
and
From: szalay on 6/18/2003
********
Take One
********
To the optimist, the glass is
half full.
To the pessimist, the glass
is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is
twice as big as it needs to be.
********
Take Two
********
"Normal people ... believe that
if it ain't broke, don't
fix it. Engineers believe
that if it ain't broke, it
doesn't have enough features
yet."
-- Scott Adams, The Dilbert
Principle
Technicians think they are engineers.
Engineers think they are physicists.
Physicists think they are mathematicians.
Mathematicians think they are
philosophers.
Philosophers think they are
technicians.
(Local philosophy prof sprayed
WD-40 in his VCR.)
Engineers want to be experimental
physicists.
Experimental physicists want
to be theoretical physicists.
Theoretical physicists want
to be mathematicians.
Mathematicians want to be philosophers.
Philosophers want to be theologians.
Theologians want to be engineers.
Engineering is the art of moulding
materials we do not fully
understand into shapes we cannot
fully analyse and preventing
the public from realising the
full extent of our ignorance."
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they
just lose their bearings
OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never
die, they just have slower rise times
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die,
they just do it until it Hz
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die,
they just lose contact
What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the number
expressing the relationship
between the circumference
of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus
or minus 0.000000005
Engineer: Pi is about 3.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #88 on 98-04-10
Reaching the end of a job interview,
the Human Resources
Person asked a young Engineer
fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking
for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood
of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well,
what would you say to a package
of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid
holidays, full medical and
dental, company matching retirement
fund to 50% of salary,
and a company car leased every
2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Q: What is one-trillionth of
a surprise?
A: A pico-boo.
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98 (S161
& S387b)
and From: DoctorDebt on 6/17/2004
Q: What is the difference between
Mechanical Engineers
and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build
weapons, Civil Engineers
build targets.
From: icohen on 3/3/00 (S161)
Q: How can you tell an extroverted
engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he
looks at your shoes
instead of his
own.
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