.
 
Subj:     Engineer3 Jokes
                 (Includes 46 jokes and articles, 26910,13,cf,md4w,13)

Calipers from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Turbo Encabulator - Video (S780)
.........................Real Engineers...
.........................Top Ten Reasons To Date An Engineer
.........................Ultimate List Of Pick-Up Lines To Use On Engineers
.........................Rube Goldberg Device - Video (S550)
.........................Basic Electronics (S188)
.........................The Engineer Song (S174)
.........................Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach (S51)
.........................Electrical Engineering Purity Test, Version 1.0
.........................Problem  Solving  P R O C E S S
                         Short Engineering Jokes
..............................The Sears Tower Skydeck (S696)
..............................Engineering Flowchart (S910)
..............................Engineering Gone Bad (S571b)
..............................Paper Airplanes - Nakamura (S546b)
..............................Jay Leno On Skywalk (S543b)
..............................Grand Canyon Glass Bridge (S519)
..............................Computer Engineer Job Sign (S505b)
..............................Tallest Bridge (S505c)
..............................The Backhoe Vs The Overpass (S498)
..............................Water Bridge (S455)
..............................Ten Japanese Bridges (S443)
..............................Car Stops For Three Engineers (S265b, S640)
..............................Comprehending Engineers (S138)

ENGINEER1 contains jokes
ENGINEER2 & 3 contains oddities and short jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Turbo Encabulator (S780d)
          From: Wimp.com
          on 12/23/2011
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLDgQg6bq7o
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/buildit/
 Source3: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turboencabulator

 The original technical description of the turboencabulator
 appeared dated August 24, 1942 in a pamphlet published by
 Arthur D. Little and signed by Arthur Dehon Little.

 In 1962 a turboencabulator data sheet was created by engineers
 at General Electric's Instrument Department, in West Lynn,
 Massachusetts.  It quoted from the previous sources and was
 inserted into the General Electric Handbook.  The turbo-
 encabulator data sheet had the same format as the other pages
 in the G.E. Handbook.  The engineers added "Shure Stat" in
 "Technical Features", which was peculiar only to the Instrument
 Department, and included the first known graphic representation
 of a "manufactured" turboencabulator using parts made at the
 Instrument Department.

 Circa 1977 Bud Haggart, an actor who appeared in many industrial
 training films in and around Detroit, performed in the first
 film realization of the description and operation of the
 "Turboencabulator", using a truncated script adapted from the
 1955 "The Institution of Electrical Engineers, Students Quarterly
 Journal".  Bud convinced director Dave Rondot and the film crew
 to stay after the filming of an actual GMC Trucks project
 training film to realize the Turboencabulator spot.

 Click on either of the top two sources, or 'HERE' for my copy,
 to see this great engineering video.

Top
Subj:     Real Engineers...
          From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/01/97

 Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed
    if their socks match.

 Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched
    screwdrivers for their birthday.

 Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency".
    Not because they're lazy.

 Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.

 Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.

 Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics,
    but not their own shirt size.

 Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones,
    televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.

 Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees
    Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is
    "Isn't it a nice day"

 Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a
    conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.

 Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they
    are.  Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer
    me a ride today. I drove my own car".

 Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking
    space with their name on it and an office with a window.

 Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.

 Real Engineers rotate their tyres for laughs.

 Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven
    revisions) before making a bird bath.

 Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver,
    a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut
    butter sandwich.

 Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.

Top
Subj:     Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer
          From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97

 1) Complimentary Tutoring
 2) Large Earning Potential
 3) Can handle stress and strain in relationships
 4) Know all the dynamics of relative motion
 5) Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
 6) FREE body diagrams
 7) Always back up their hard drives
 8) Trained to do it right the first time
 9) Specialized in experimentation
 10)Can go all night with no hint of fatigue
 

                Second Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer

10.  Why not?
 9.  They are user friendly
 8.  No need to call a handy man
 7.  Learn how to use the other buttons on your calculator
 6.  Homework help without the guilt
 5.  They will make lots of money
 4.  Not all of them wear dark blue jeans
 3.  They know how to push the right buttons
 2.  They understand heat-transfer
 1.  They are used to pulling all nighters

Top
Subj:     Ultimate List Of Pick-Up Lines To Use On Engineers
          From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97

  1. I won't stop bugging you until I get the address
     of your home page.
  2. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem
     of Calculus.
  3. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let
     velocity and time approach infinity, because I want
     to go all the way with you.
  4. My love for you is like a concave up function
     because it is always increasing.
  5. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
  6. Wanna come back to my room?  ...and see my 166mhz Pentium?
  7. How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
  8. You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
  9. You're sweeter than glucose.
 10. We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
 11. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction
     between you and me?
 12. Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?
 13. Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.
 14. Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com
 15. You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

Top
Subj:     Rube Goldberg Device (S550d)
          From: momndadac
          on 8/2/2007
 Source: http://www.chilloutzone.de/files/player.swf?b=10
      &l=197&u=ILLUMllSOOAvIF//P_LxP92A42lCHCeeWCejXnHAS/c

 This video of a great Rube Goldberg device can be seen at
 the the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Basic Electronics (S188)
          From: RFSlick on 09/05/2000

Technical Service Bulletin

     Technical Information +
     Professional Service  =
     Customer Satisfaction

     Of interest: General Manager - Sales Manager
                                  - Service Manager
                                  - Parts Manager
                                  - Service Technicians

 I was working on a home electronics project the other day,
 and as I was testing it, I came across probably the most
 important realization and discovery of my life, and
 probably of this century.  I had incorrectly wired a diode
 on a P.C. Board.  It was when I powered up the micro-
 processor that I discovered, what, for years, those of us
 that have to work with and repair electronics and electrical
 circuits have been totally incorrect in our basic beliefs
 about how these things really work.

 I had discovered that in reality, it is SMOKE that makes
 all electrical things work!!!  Remember the last time smoke
 escaped from your voltage regulator?  Didn't it quit working??
 I sat there at my workbench and smiled like an idiot, as more
 of the truth dawned.  Of course!!  It's the wiring harness
 that carries the smoke from one device to another, and, if
 the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out of every-
 thing at once, and then nothing works.  It should be obvious
 to anyone at this point that my theory has to be correct.

 However, to further prove my theory, and do away with any
 possible speculation, I ask you to look at the starter.
 The starter motor obviously requires large quantities of
 smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire going to
 it is so large!!!

 If improvements to wiring are to be achieved, we are going
 to have to find a way to keep smoke from leaking out of the
 wiring - much the same as we do Air in tires.

Top
Subj:     The Engineer Song (S174)
..........From: collins2 on 5/29/00

 (sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies.")

 "Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,"
 "A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,"
 "But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,"
 "He said ""They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer"",
 "CADD that is ... CRT's ... Microstation;"

 "Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's a Petroleum Engineer,"
 "The kinfolk said ""Jed move away from here"","
 "They said ""Houston, Texas is the place ya oughta be"","
 "So he drove until he felt the heat and humidity,"
 "Summer that is ... no shade ... even your toenails sweat;"

 "On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,"
 "Fed him a donut and sat him at a tube,"
 "They said ""Your project's late but we know just what to do,"
 "Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
 "Overtime that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory;"

 "The weeks rolled by and things were looking pretty bad,"
 "Some schedules got slipped and the boss was gettin' mad,"
 "They called another meeting and decided on a fix,"
 "They answer was simple, "'We'll work him sixty-six'"
 "Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life;"

 "Well the months turned to years and his hair was turning gray,"
 "Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away,"
 "Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,"
 "Instead he got called in and escorted out the door,"
 "Laid-off that is ... Downsized ... Unemployed."

 "Ya'll come back as a contractor now, Ya heah?"

Top
Subj:     Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach (S51)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98

 10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.

  9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does
     not work.

  8. Not everything works according to the specs
     in the databook.

  7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you
     use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

  6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.

  5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and
     a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.

  4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

  3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.

  2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters,
     go into software.

  1. Dilbert is a documentary.

Top
Subj:     Electrical Engineering Purity Test, Version 1.0
          From: (c)1994  Nabeel Ibrahim
         At: ibrahim@leland.stanford.edu

 You may distribute this freely, but please leave the headers
 intact.  This test consists of 50 yes/no questions to test
 your Electrical Engineering Purity.  You score 1 point for
 each "Yes" and 0 points for each "No," except where noted.

               ____110001
               \
 Total Score =  ]   your score for question k
               /___
                   k=0
 (that's a summation symbol)

 MAIL ANY COMMENTS/SUGGESTIONS TO: ibrahim@leland.stanford.edu

 0  Have you ever discharged a capacitor?
 1  Done 0 twice in one day?
 10  Done 0 with your tongue?
 11  Have you ever doped silicon?
 100  Done 11 with someone else?
 101  Done 11 with two or more people?
 110  Done 11 with someone without knowing their name?
 111  Have you ever tweaked a resistor?  (oh, that's so sexy...)
 1000  Have you ever blown up an electrolytic capacitor?
 1001  Done 1000 while an animal watched?
 1010  Have you ever fondled a 10K resistor?
 1011  Have you ever derived an equation?
 1100  Done 1011 with a member of the opposite sex?
 1101  Have you ever worn a pocket protector?
 1110  Have you ever checked your email more than 10 times
       in one day?
 1111  Done 1110 for one week straight?
 10000  Have you ever made a joke about transistors?
 10001  Have you ever laughed at a joke about transistors?
        (this one is worth 3 points)
 10010  Have you ever wondered how the circuitry would work
        in that liquid metal guy in T2?
 10011  Have you ever used Ohm's Law to excess?
 10100  Done 10011 while someone of the opposite sex watched?
 10101  Done 10011 with a large ungulate (hooved animal)?
 10110  (Guys only) Have you ever counted the number of
        females in one of your EE classes so you could gain
        sympathy from friends in Liberal Arts?
 10111  Do you speak in assembly?
 11000  Has your skin color changed as a result of spending
        too much time in front of a terminal?  (That green
        tone really works for me...)
 11001  Have you ever had a serious discussion with someone
        about whether CISC is better than RISC?
 11010  Have you ever used :-) to excess?
 11011  Have you ever had to explain :-) to a friend?
 11100  Have Fourier, LaPlace, or Maxwell ever visited you
        in a dream? (This one is worth 20 points.  You
        *should* not, under any circumstances, fantasize
        about EE!)
 11101  Have you ever read "The Sex Life of an Electron"?
 11110  Can you rapidly count to 100d in binary?
 11111  Do you have more than 5 computer accounts?
 100000  Do you have more than 10 computer accounts? (Geek!)
 100001  Have you ever laughed at a Liberal Arts major because
         they couldn't find a job?  (You should it's really fun)
 100010  Are you addicted to reverse polish(HP) notation?
 100011  Have you ever slept with your significant other
         (girlfriend/boyfriend) on the floor of a computer lab?
 100100  Have you ever been in a relationship with someone
         you met through email or a newsgroup?
 100101  Have you ever been turned on by a transistor?
 100110  Have you ever turned on a transistor?
 100111  Have you ever measured ground bounce?
 101000  Done 100111 with an inanimate object?
 101001  Done 100111 with a cadaver?
 101010  Have you ever faked a bias point? (Have you no
         shame?!?!?)
 101011  Have you ever had an intimate encounter with
         a voltage supply?
 101100  Have you ever watched while someone else had an
         intimate encounter with a voltage supply?
 101101  Have you ever probed a circuit?
 101110  Done 101101 with other people watching?
 101111  Done 101101 more than five times in one day?
 110000  Done 101101 without protection?  (You should
         really wear a ground strap!)
 110001  Did you laugh while taking this quiz?  (This one
         should be worth 30, but it's only worth 2)

 Scoring Scale:
 00-15 points ==]  Go back to your English class.
 15-25 points ==]  Either you have a life or you are an
                   underclassman/woman.
 25-35 points ==]  You can feel your life slipping through
                   your fingers as you get sucked into the
                   world of Electrical Engineering.  It could
                   be worse...you could be in CS.
 35-45 points ==]  You should definitely go to grad school in EE.
 45-72 points ==]  You are a lost cause.  You're the EE equivalent
                   of Carl Sagan.  Please do not contact me...ever.

 Note:  Please send me your score, as I am trying to accumulate
 enough data to do a statistical analysis...seriously!!

Top
Subj:     Problem  Solving  P R O C E S S
          From: peekstok

            YES   =============================   NO
     +-----------|| Does the Darn Thing work? ||-----------+
     |            =============================            |
     V                                                     V
+----------+     +---------+                          +---------+
|   Don't  |  NO |   Does  |       +-------+     YES  | Did you |
|   mess   | +---|  anyone |[------|  YOU  |[---------|   mess  |
| with it! | |   |  know?  |       | MORON |          | with it |
+----------+ |   +---------+       +-------+          +---------+
     |       V        | YES                                |  NO
     |    +------+    +-----------+                        |
     |    | HIDE |                V                        V
     |    |  IT  |            +--------+             +-----------+
     |    +------+            |  YOU   |        YES  | WILL THEY |
     |       |       +------->|  POOR  |[------------| CATCH YOU?|
     |       |       |        |BASTARD!|             +-----------+
     |       |       |        |________|                   |  NO
     |       |       |             |                       |
     |       |       |             V                       V
     |       |       |      +---------------+        +-----------+
     |       |       |  NO  | CAN YOU BLAME |        |DESTROY THE|
     |       |       +------| SOMEONE ELSE? |        |  EVIDENCE |
     |       |              +---------------+        +-----------+
     |       |                     |  YES                  |
     |       |                     v                       |
     |       |      ============================           |
     |       +---->||           N O            ||[---------+
     +------------>||      P R O B L E M       ||
                    ============================


Subj:     Short Engineering Jokes

Top
Subj:     The Sears Tower Skydeck (S696)
          From: ft.apache on 5/14/2010
Sign from TheSkydeck.com
 Source1: http://www.theskydeck.com/theledge.asp
 Source2: http://www.the-skydeck.com/tour.asp
 The Ledge, The Sears Tower Skydeck brings an exhilar-
 ating new experience to the Skydeck.  At 1,353 feet
 up, The Ledge's glass boxes extend out 4.3 feet from
 the skyscraper's Skydeck on the 103rd floor, providing
 never-before-seen views of the city.  Click 'HERE' to
 see thirteen photos and lots of facts about the deck
 and tower.
 

Top
Subj:     Engineering Flowchart (S910)
          From: Ava Schauer on Facebook
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/michigan.engineering/photos/a.9845
.9823323.89852.51664048323/10152555474588324/?type=1&theater
.
Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy,
to see this cute flowchart.
.

Top
Subj:     Engineering Gone Bad (S571b)
          From: darrellvip
          on 12/27/2007
 Guess those bridge weight signs are important after all.
 Click 'HERE' to view this silly mistake.
 

Top
Subj:     Paper Airplanes - Nakamura (S546b)
          From: Origami-Kids.com
          on 6/30/2007
 Source: http://origami-kids.com/paperairplanes-2-nakamura.htm
 The Nakamura is a awesome paper airplane.  You can learn the
 folding steps for this plane at the source above, or on my
 web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:      Jay Leno On Skywalk (S543b,d)
           From: edapsmas
           on 6/11/2007
 This cute video from The Tonight Show with Jay Leno talks
 about the completed Skywalk Bridge at the Grand Canyon.
 Click 'HERE' to see it.
 

Top
Subj:     Grand Canyon Glass Bridge (S519)
          From: drgolfmd
          on 1/2/2007
Text source: http://www.snopes.com/photos/architecture/skywalk.asp
 The $30 million all-glass Skywalk will hover 3,800 feet above
 the Colorado River over a rim of the Grand Canyon, allowing
 tourists to stroll on an 80-yard walk around a semicircular
 platform jutting beyond the canyon rim, surrounded by Plexiglas
 that will provide a spectacular view of the canyon floor below.
 You can view the pictures and story on my web site by clicking
 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Computer Engineer Job Sign (S505b)
          From: LABLaughsClean 
          on 9/19/2006
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19941124
 This is a cute sign advertising for a computer engineer.  You
 can see the sign at the source above, or on my web site by
 clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Tallest Bridge (S505c)
          From: auntiegah
          on 9/21/2006
 The Millau viaduct is part of the new E11 expressway connecting
 Paris and Barcelona and features the highest bridge piers ever
 constructed.  The tallest is 240 meters high and the overall
 height will be an impressive 336 meters, making this the highest
 bridge in the world.  Be sure to maximize your screen for this.
 Slide the picture to the right & left if needed.  You can view
 this engineering marvel on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     The Backhoe Vs The Overpass (S498)
          From: LABLaughsClean 
          on 8/8/2006
 When an 8 ton Backhoe traveling at 70 mph hits an overpass,
 how much damage is done to the backhoe, and to the overpass?
 Go to my web site to read and view the results by clicking
 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Water Bridge (S455)
          From: darrell94590
          on  10/5/2005
 Source: http://www.dw-world.de/dw/article/0,,990878,00.html
 Six years, 500 million euros, 918 meters long.......now
 this is engineering!  This is a channel-bridge over the
 river Elbe  and joins the former East and West Germany, as
 part of the unification project.

 It is located in the city of Magdeburg, near Berlin. The
 photo was taken on the day of inauguration.  You can view
 a distant picture at the source above, or a close up on
 my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Ten Japanese Bridges (S443)
          From: LABLaughsClean 
          on 7/12/2005
 Sources: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20010716
       to http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20010807
 To view these then bridges, you can go to the sources above,
 or my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Car Stops For Three Engineers (S265b, S640)
          From: BennoRo on 2/24/2002
          (Also see 'Three Computer People Have A Car Problem' - COMPUTERS3
          and see 'Software & Hardware Engineers And.Manager's Car Stops'
          in PROGRAMMER file)
 A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer and a software
 engineer from Microsoft were driving through the desert
 when their car broke down.  The mechanical engineer said
 "It seems to be a problem with the fuel injection system,
 why don't we pop the hood and I'll take a look at it."
 To which the electrical engineer replied, "No I think it's
 just a loose ground wire, I'll get out and take a look."
 Then, the Microsoft engineer suggests: "No, no, no.  If we
 just close up all the windows, get out, wait a few minutes,
 get back in, and then reopen the windows everything will
 work fine."

Top
Subj:     Comprehending Engineers (S138 & S333)
          From: Anaise on 09/24/1999
      and From: szalay on 6/18/2003

 ********
 Take One
 ********

 To the optimist, the glass is half full.
 To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
 To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 ********
 Take Two
 ********

 "Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't
 fix it.  Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it
 doesn't have enough features yet."
   -- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
 
 

 Technicians think they are engineers.
 Engineers think they are physicists.
 Physicists think they are mathematicians.
 Mathematicians think they are philosophers.
 Philosophers think they are technicians.
 (Local philosophy prof sprayed WD-40 in his VCR.)

 Engineers want to be experimental physicists.
 Experimental physicists want to be theoretical physicists.
 Theoretical physicists want to be mathematicians.
 Mathematicians want to be philosophers.
 Philosophers want to be theologians.
 Theologians want to be engineers.

 Engineering is the art of moulding materials we do not fully
 understand into shapes we cannot fully analyse and preventing
 the public from realising the full extent of our ignorance."

 OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings
 OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times
 OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz
 OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact

 What is "pi"?
 Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship
    between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.
 Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005
 Engineer: Pi is about 3.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #88 on 98-04-10
 Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources
 Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
 starting salary were you looking for?"

 The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
 depending on the benefits package."

 The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package
 of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and
 dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary,
 and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

 The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

 And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

 Q: What is one-trillionth of a surprise?
 A: A pico-boo.

From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/5/98 (S161 & S387b)
and From: DoctorDebt on 6/17/2004
 Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
    and Civil Engineers?
 A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers
    build targets.

From: icohen on 3/3/00 (S161)
 Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
 A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes
    instead of his own.

From: LABLaughsClean on 7/24/2009 (S655b)
 Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train engineer?
 A: A teacher trains the mind, the engineer minds the train.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
.
...........................From Smiliemania.da
.
.
.