| Subj:
Farmer1 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 24 jokes and articles) |
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Barn from Animation Factory |
Also see ANAGRAM file - 'Box
Lunch Auction w/Anagram'
BAR2 file - 'Two
Triple Martinis At A Bar'
BATHROOM file- 'Boy
Pushes Over Outhouse'
BATHROOM-SUPP- 'The
House Behind The House - Poem'
BIRDS file - 'Blue
Bird Sings Inside Manure'
BIRD-CHICKEN - 'City
Boy Buys Two Chickens And A Mule'
......................-
'Rooster
Race'
......................-
'Randy
The Love Crazed Rooster'
BIRDS-DUCKS - 'Two
Men Fight Over Duck'
BIRDS-PARROT - 'Farmer's
Parrot Screws Turkeys'
BLONDE file - 'Two
Sisters Buy A Bull'
CAR1 file - 'Man
Paints Porch'
COMPUTERS3 - 'Technology
For Country Folk'
COWBOY file - 'Ventriloquist
Cowboy And The Rancher'
COWS-Sheep - 'Stud
Bulls At The State Fair'
......................-
'Shepherd Makes
A Bet'
......................-
'Cross-Eyed
Cow'
......................-
'Farmer
Delivers A Baby Calf'
......................-
'Farmer
Buys A Milking Machine'
......................-
'Farmer's
Family And Cow Die'
DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Repairing
Farm Truck'
DOGS file - 'Two
Farmers And A Dog Who Can Count'
DWARF file - 'Midget
Cowboy's Balls Ache'
FART file - 'Ole
Buys Cow In Nordakota'
FOOTBALL - 'Bubba
Catches The Baby'
LAWYER2 file - 'Farmer,
Lawyer And A Used Car'
HELL file - 'Farmer
Goes To Hell And Likes It'
HOOKER file - 'The
Whore, The Accountant, And Chicken Farming'
......................-
'Farmer's
Son's First Time At Brothel'
HORSE file - 'The
SWF Movie - Farmer And The Donkey'
......................-
'Farmer's
Donkey Stuck In A Well'
......................-
'Cajun
Buys Dead Donkey'
MARRIAGE5 - 'Couple
Argue Near Farm'
MATH4 file - 'MATH
PROB - Farmer Gives Away Eggs'
.........MATH4-SUPP2
-.'LOGIC
PROB. - Dog, Chicken, And Rice At River'
MUSIC file - 'Britney
Spears Scares Wild Boars'
NATIVES file - 'Picking
Fruit' (this version not farmer)
NUDIST file - 'Drivers
Kill Farmer's Chickens'
......................-
'India
Women Plough Fields In Nude'
......................-
'Women
Grows Red Tomatoes'
OTHER_ANIMALS- 'The
Goat And The Railroad Tie'
OTHER-NATNLTS- 'How
Yodeling Was Invented'
PIG file - 'City
Slicker Buys A Pig'
......................-
'Three
Legged Pig Saves Farmer'
POLIT-CLINTON- 'Clinton's
Driver Runs Over A Pig'
PILOT file - 'A
Farmer, His Wife, And A Pilot'
POLICE2 file - 'Trooper Stops
Farmer'
PREGNANT file- 'Pregnant
Lady And Farmer Talk On Bus'
RAT-MICE - 'Mouse
Story'
REDNECK1 - (the
whole file)
REDNECK2 - (the
whole file)
REDNECK3 - (the
whole file)
RIDDLR file - 'Farmer
Cuts Field Riddle'
......................-
'Tractor
That Can't Turn Right Riddle'
SEX1 file - 'A
Taste Of Life'
SEX2 file - 'Sex
In The Corn Field'
VASELINE file- 'Vaseline
Salesman And The Farmer'
WOMEN1 file - 'Widow
Farmer And Two Skiers'
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| Subj:
The Farmer Sutra (S493c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/3/2006 |
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You can view this cartoon at
the source above, or on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Blonde
City Girl And The Colorado Rancher (S535b)
From: drgolfmd on 4/21/2007
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to
check on the cows, the
rancher says to Amy, "The insemination
man is coming
over to impregnate one of our
cows today. I drove a
nail into the 2 by 4 just above
the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the
cow is when he gets here,
OK?"
Then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives
and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the
row of cows and when she sees
the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he
seemed to think just
might be another ditzy blonde,
the man asks, "Tell me
lady, how did you know this
is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the
nail over its stall." Amy
explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and
with complete confidence,
says, "I guess it's to hang
your pants on."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Farmer And The Gub'ment Official (S534c)
From: hellgunner50 on 4/12/2007
A cocky Department of Agriculture
representative stopped at
a farm and talked with an old
farmer. He told the farmer,
"I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said "OK,
but don't go in that field right
over yonder."
The Agriculture representative
said, "Mr. I have the
authority of the U.S. Government
with me. See this card?
This card means I am allowed
to go WHEREVER I wish on any
agricultural land....no questions
asked or answered! Do
you understand?"
The farmer nodded politely and
went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams
and saw the Department of
Agriculture Rep running for
the fence and close behind was
the farmer's huge-horned prize
bull. The bull was madder
than a nest full of hornets.
The bull was gaining on the
Rep at every step.
The Old farmer called out, "Show
him your card!! Show him
your card!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Selling
Peaches Door To Door (S501b)
From: darrell94590 on 8/28/2006
A gentlemanly Florida rancher
named Sut was selling his peaches
door to door. He knocked
on a door and a shapely 40 something
lady dressed in a very sheer
negligee answered the door. He
raised his basket to show her
the peaches and asked, "Would
you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee
to one side and asked; "Are
they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said,
"Yes ma'am," and a little tear
ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side
of her negligee off asking, "Are
they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said "Yes" and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the
bottom of her negligee and asked,
"Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes" and broke down crying.
The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes Sut replied,
"The drought got my corn, the
flood got my soy beans, a hurricane
leveled my barn and now I'm
gonna get screwed out of my
peaches."
\\\//
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Subj: You
Might Be a Farmer If... (S468b)
From: joke-of-the-day-Mail.com on 1/9/2006
Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
You convince your wife that an
overnight, out-of-state trip
for equipment parts
is a vacation.
You have ever had to wash off
in the backyard with a garden
hose before your
wife would let you in the house.
You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.
You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
You can remember the fertilizer
rate, seed population,
herbicide rate
and yields on a farm you rented 10 years
ago, but cannot
recall your wife's birthday.
You have fibbed to a mechanic
about how often you greased
a piece of equipment.
You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.
You have driven off the road
while examining your neighbors
crops.
\\\//
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Subj: Pretty
Blonde Spends Night In Farm House (S25)
From: The Bartender Joke Of The Day on 07/05/97
A pretty blonde woman is driving
down a country road in her
new sports car when something
goes wrong with the car and
it breaks down. Luckily,
she happens to be near a farmhouse.
She goes up to the farmhouse
and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she
says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday
night and my carbroke down!
I don't know what to do! Can
I stay here for the night until
tomorrow when I can get
some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you
can stay here, but I don't
want you messin' with my sons
Jed and Luke." She looks
through the screen door and
sees two men standing behind
the farmer. She judges
them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay", she says.
After they have gone to bed for
the night the woman begins
to get a little hot just thinking
about the two boys in the
room next to her. So she
quietly goes into their room and
says, "Boys, how would you like
for me to teach you the ways
of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is,
I don't want to get pregnant,
so you have to wear these rubbers."
She puts them on the
boys, and the three of them
go at it all night long.
*****Forty years later Jed and
Luke are sitting on the front
porch, rocking bak and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that
blond woman that came by here
about forty years ago and showed
us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
\\\//
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Subj: Farmer
Wants A Divorce (S08, S382b)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 10/11/1999
(Also see 'Polack
Wants A Divorce' in POLISH)
A Farmer walked into an attorney's
office wanting to file
for a divorce. The attorney
asked, "May I help you?" The
Farmer said, "Yea, I want one
those dayvorce's." The
Attorney said, "Well do you
have any grounds?"
The Farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The Attorney said, "No you don't
understand, do you have
a case?"
The Farmer said, "No I don't
have a Case, but I have a
John Deere."
The Attorney said, No, you don't
understand, I mean do
you have a grudge." The
Farmer said, "Yea, I got a
grudge, that's where I park
my John Deere."
The Attorney said, "No do you have a suit?"
The Farmer said "Yes Sir, I got
a suit, I wear it to
Church on Sundays."
The Attorney said, "Well sir,
does your wife beat you
up or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No sire, we both get up about 4:30."
The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No she's a
little white gal, but our
last child was a nagger and
that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
\\\//
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| Subj:
Johnny Kicks The Animals (S183, S539c)
From: auntiegah on 7/31/2002 and From: rfslick on 5/11/2007 |
Little
Johnny
from Yahoo! Images |
Little Johnny has had a really
bad day at school, having
flunked two out of three tests.
He is really pissed off,
as he approaches the gate to
the farm, his mom watches
through the kitchen window.
As he walks toward the house
a cow crosses his path, Johnny
kicks the cow in the udders.
He walks a little further and
a pig is standing on the path
toward the house, so Johnny
winds up and boots the hell out
of the pig. His mother
really upset at Johnny's actions.
As Johnny steps up on the porch,
he drop-kicks a chicken
across the length of the porch.
When he gets in the house his
mother grabs him by his arm
and tells him, his actions are
cruel and for kicking the
cow he will not get any milk
for a week, and for kicking
the pig he will not get any
bacon for a week, and for
kicking the chicken he will
not get any eggs for a week.
About this time Johnny's dad
walks in all pissed off from
a shity day at work. As
he crosses the kitchen, he plants
his shoe halfway up their cats(pussy's)
ass. Little Johnny
looks at mom and says "are you
gonna tell him or am I?"
\\\//
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Subj: Pig
Fucking (DU)
A man goes to visit a friend
who owns a farm. After a few
days the man asks the friend
what they do around the place
for fun. "Why, we fuck
the pigs," replies the farmer. The
man is disgusted but doesn't
say anything. That night the
farmer asks the man if he'd
like to join him while he fucks
a pig.
The man says no but he does consent
to go and watch. They
enter the barn and the farmer
immediately jumps into the
pig pen and starts running around
trying to catch a pig.
Finally, he catches one and
proceeds to fuck it. After
he's done he gets out of the
pen and says, "man, that was
great, you really ought to try
it."
The man refuses but after much
coaxing he finally decides
to give it a try. He jumps
into the pen and starts chasing
pigs around. After much
grabbing and squealing he manages
to catch a pig and fuck it.
When he is done he walks over
to the farmer who asks, "well,
how was it."
"To be perfectly honest," the
man says, "it really wasn't
as great as you made out it
was going to be."
"Well, what did you expect,"
says the farmer, "you picked
the ugliest one."
\\\//
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Subj: Three Aggie Students
Ask Favor Of Farmer (DU)
There were these three Aggie
agricultural students driving
along this old farm road one
day when they saw this farm,
pulled in, and knocked on the
farmer's door. The farmer
answered the door and the three
students introduced them-
selves and said, "We were just
passing by and saw your
field of buttercups and was
wondering if we could go and
get us a bucket full of butter?"
The old farmer scratched his
head and said, "You boys ain't
gonna get no butter from buttercups
but your more than
welcome to try."
About an hour later, the three
came back, thanked the farmer,
and drove off with their bucket
full of butter. The farmer
once again scratched and shook
his head, mumbled under his
breath about "them damn uni
students" and went on about his
business.
About three months later, the
same three students came up to
the farm, knocked on the door,
and asked the farmer if he
remembered them. He chuckled
and asked what he could do for
them this time?
One of them said, "We were just
driving by and happened to
see you now have a field of
milkweed and we were wondering
if we could go out and get us
a bucket of milk?"
Once again, the old farmer chuckled,
shook his head, scratched
it and sarcastically said, "You
boys go on out there and get
your milk from my milkweeds."
Once again, about an hour later,
the three came back with
their bucket overflowing with
fresh milk and drove off. This
time, the farmer was really
confused, but just a little less
skeptical.
It was about three or four months
later when the three
agricultural students came back
and again knocked on the
farmer's door, this time saying
that they were driving by
and saw the field full of pussywillows.
Needless to say,
the farmer went with them this
time on their excursion.
Top
Second version
Subj: Farmer
And The Kid (S186)
From: V-lewis on 97-05-03
A farmer is sitting on the front
porch of his house one hot
summer day, when this kid comes
walking down the road carrying
a big bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer
says, "where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this
here ain't just any ol' wire,
this here's chicken wire.
I'm fixin' to catch me some
chickens!"
"You can't catch chickens with
chicken wire!" says the farmer.
"Sure I can!" the kid
says, and takes off down the road.
The kid comes back at the end
of the day and sure enough, he's
got a whole mess of chickens
caught in his chicken wire.
The farmer's sitting on his porch
the next day, and the same
kid comes walking down the lane,
carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells,
"where ya goin' with that tape?"
"Well, this here ain't just
any ol' tape," says the kid, "this
here's duck tape. I'm
fixin' to catch me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with
duck tape!" says the farmer.
"Sure I can!" the kid
says, and takes off down the road.
The kid comes back at the end
of the day and again, the farmer
can't believe his eyes.
The kid has a whole bunch of ducks
all wrapped up tightly in his
tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting
on his porch again, and the
kid comes walking down the road
carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer
says, "where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just
any old stick," says the kid, "this
here's pussy willow."
"Hang on," yells the farmer,
"I'll get my hat."
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Subj: Farmer
And East Indian (S187)
A farmer puts a old bull up for
sale. An East Indian gentleman
approaches the farmer and asks
"How much?" The farmer ask if
the indian is a farmer as well.
He says "No, I want him as a
house pet."
The farmer replies, "You're going
to keep him in the house?
What about the smell and all
the shit?"
The East Indian replies, "Oh,
the bull will just have to get
used to it!"
\\\//
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Subj: Rabbi,
Hindu, And Lawyer At Farm House (S129, S398)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/18/99
and
From: DafterLafter on 8/26/2004
A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and
a lawyer were traveling from
Chicago to Los Angeles when
their car broke down late one
night in Kansas. They
walked to the nearest farm house and
explained their situation to
the farmer who answered the door.
"Ya'll be welcome to spend the
night here if you want", the
farmer said. "The only problem
is I only have room for two.
One of you will have to sleep
in the barn."
"No problem,"chimed the Rabbi,
"My people wandered in the
desert for forty years, I am
humble enough to sleep in the
barn for an evening."
With that he departed to the barn
and the others bedded down for
the night.
Moments later a knock was heard
at the door; the farmer
opened the door. There stood
the rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to
you, but I can't sleep in the
barn. There is a pig in the
barn it's not kosher for me, my
faith believes that is an unclean
animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap
places with him. But a few
minutes later the same scene.
There is a knock on the door.
"What's wrong?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I
too am grateful for your
helping us out but there is
a cow in the barn and in my
country cows are considered
sacred. I can't sleep with the
sacred cow!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer
to make the change. He
grumbled and complained,
but went out to the barn. Moments
later there was another knock
on the farmers door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer
opens the door, and there
stood the pig and the cow.
\\\//
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Subj: Flat
Tire Near Farm (DU)
Man's car breaks down on rural
country road. It's raining
cats and dogs. He gets
out and discovers he has a flat
spare. He sees a farmhouse
on a hill. He begins to walk.
The rain keeps pelting down.
He walks up to the door and
knocks. No answer.
The lights are on someone seems home.
He walks around the back to
see if there is another door.
He suddenly sees shadows flickering
in one of the windows.
He moves closer and peers through
the window.
In the corner of the room stands
a large plump naked woman.
She is squeezing both large
breasts firmly. His gaze
follows hers. In the other
corner is another naked form.
It's a man , holding an unbrella
and masturbating with vigour.
The traveller decides to leave
this little happening uninter-
upted and trudges back down
the road to his stranded car.
The lights of an approaching
car suddenly appear and he flags
it down. Assistance at
last. The driver of the car is a
local and proceeds to help him
with his flat.
The traveller's mind is still
dwelling on the farmhouse on
the hill. He decides to tell
of his trip.
"You know I knocked on the door
and no answer, walked
around the back, looked in the
window and saw two naked
people, the woman squeezing
her breasts and some dude
masturbating under an umbrella"
"Ahh!" says the local "That'll
be farmer Jones and his wife",
their both deaf. She's
telling him it's time to milk the
cows, and he's telling her to
go get fucked because it's
raining !
\\\//
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Subj: Scarecrow
Cartoon (S399)
From: DafterLafter on 9/7/2004
Source: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200408/008.htm
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Subj: Farmer
Tries To Inseminate Pigs (S159, S321)
From: mbucher on 02/14/2000
and
From: BennoRo on 3/26/2003
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping
to breed them for ham,
bacon, etc. After several
weeks, he notices that none of
the pigs are getting pregnant
and calls the vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that
he should try artificial
insemination. The farmer
doesn't have the slightest idea
what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance,
only asks the vet how he will
know when the pigs are
pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will
stop standing around and
will, instead, lay down and
wallow in the mud when they
are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives
it some thought. He comes
to the conclusion that artificial
insemination means he
has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into
his truck, drives them out into
the woods, has sex with
them all, brings them back and
goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks
out at the pigs. Seeing
that they are all still standing
around, he concludes
that the first try didn't take
effect, and loads them
into the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods,
bangs each pig twice for good
measure, brings them back
and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find
the pigs still just
standing around. "One
more try," he tells himself, and
proceeds to load them up and
drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the
pigs and, upon returning
home, falls listlessly into
bed.
The next morning, he cannot even
raise himself from the
bed to look at the pigs.
He asks his wife to look out
and tell him if the pigs are
laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they are all
in the truck and one of
them is honking the horn."
Second cleaner version
Once, this farmer had two sals
(female pigs) that he wanted
to mate. The farmer knew
of this big male pig named Ol'
Jake. So he called Ol'
Jake's owner up and everything was
arranged. The next day
the two sals went into Ol' Jake's
pen, and something wild went
on. The farmer then asked how
he would know if it took.
Jake's owner told him that if
the sals were in the mud, it
didn't take, if they end up in
the sun, then it took.
Well, the farmer went home and sure
enough the salls went straight
to the mud. The next day
the farmer took them back to
Ol' Jake. This time the dogs
were barking, the chickens were
a cluckin', it was just
wild!! When the farmer
got home, he couldn't bare to look
to see where the sals went to,
so he asked his wife, Bertha,
after he and his Bertha were
in the house, where the sals
went, in the mud or in the sun?
she said, "Neither. They
are in the cab of the truck
honkin' the horn!".
\\\//
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Subj: Farmer
And His Three Daughters (S188)
from TNKRTEACH on 04/04/97
A small town farmer had three
daughters. Being a single
father, he tended to be a little
over-protective of his
daughters. When gentlemen
came to take his daughters out
on a date, he would greet them
with a shotgun to make sure
they knew who was boss.
One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates.
The doorbell rang, the farmer
got his shotgun, and answered
the door. A gentleman said,
Hi, I'm Joe,
I'm here for Flo,
We're goin' to
the show,
Is she ready to
go?
The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.
The doorbell rang again, the
farmer got his shotgun, and
answered the door. A gentleman
said,
Hi, I'm Eddie,
I'm here for Betty,
We gettin' spaghetti,
Is she ready?
The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.
The doorbell rang again, the
farmer got his shotgun, and
answered the door. A gentleman
said,
Hi, I'm Chuck,
And the farmer shot him.
\\\//
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Subj: Farmer's
Mule Kills Mother-In-Law (S45, S572b)
From: grs on 97-12-04
and
From: tom on 1/3/2008
A newlywed farmer and his wife
were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an
inspection of the place. The
Farmer had genuinely tried to
be friendly to his new mother-
in-law, hoping that it could
be a friendly, non-antagonistic
relationship. To no avail,
she kept nagging them at every
opportunity, demanding changes,
offering unwanted advice and
making life unbearable to the
farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through
the barn, the farmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked
the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few
days later, the farmer stood
near the casket and greeted
folks as they walked by. The
pastor noticed that whenever
a woman would whisper some-
thing to the farmer, he would
nod his head yes and say
something. Whenever a
man walked by and whispered to
the farmer, however, he would
shake his head, no and mumble
a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre
behavior, the pastor later
asked The farmer what that was
all about. The farmer replied,
"The women would say, 'What
a terrible tragedy' and I would
nod my head and say, 'Yes, it
was.' The men would ask, 'Can
I borrow that mule?' and I would
shake my head and say,
'Can't. It's all booked
up for a year.'
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Subj: Joke
From President Lincoln (S190)
A travelling preacher comes to
a prairie family home, trying
to sell the lady of the house
a bible. "Wait here a minute"
she says, and scurries back
to the outhouse. Soon she returns
and says "not today thank you,
we haven't used up the last
one yet."
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Subj: Farmer
Sells The Farm (S295)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #86
Now that their children are all
grown and have started lives
of their own, the farmer and
his wife decide to sell the
homestead and move to Florida.
A real estate developer,
interested in purchasing the
property and building condo-
miniums and a golf course on
the land meets with the farmer
to settle the deal.
"Now son, I'm giving you a very
fair price for the land, but
I have two requests to make,"
said the farmer.
"OK, shoot."
"Well, my family has owned this
land for over 100 years, and
some things carry a lot of sentimental
value. It would mean
a lot to me to be able to come
back here for a visit before
I die and be able to reminisce
a little bit."
"What do you mean?" said the developer.
"First off, do you see that tree
over there, fifty yards from
the fence? As part of
the deal, you have to promise not to
move or cut it down."
"Why is that?"
"Well, I got my first piece of ass under that tree."
"Oh, sure, I understand (wink,
wink). No problem. What is
your second request?"
"Do ya' see that tree about 25
feet south of the first one?
That one has to stay, too."
"Well, OK, how come?"
"Well, that's where her mother stood on that special day."
"Her MOTHER was THERE? That's incredible! What did she say?"
"Baaaah!"
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Subj: Farmer
Sues Railroad Over Missing Cow (S313)
From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/27/2003
At times, we are not as smart
as we think. For instance,
this big city lawyer was called
in on a case between a
farmer and a large railroad
company.
A farmer noticed that his prize
cow was missing from the
field through which the railroad
passed. He filed suit
against the railroad company
for the value of the cow.
The case was to be tried before
the justice of the peace
in the back room of the general
store. The attorney
immediately cornered the farmer
and tried to get him to
settle out of court. The
lawyer did his best selling
job, and the farmer finally
agreed to take half of what
he was claiming to settle the
case. After the farmer
signed the release and took
the check, the young lawyer
couldn't help but gloat a little
over his success. He
said to the farmer, "You know,
I hate to tell you this
but I put one over on you in
there. I couldn't have won
the case. The engineer
was asleep and the fireman was
in the caboose when the train
went through your farm that
morning. I didn't have
one witness to put on the stand."
The old farmer replied, "Well,
I'll tell you, young feller,
I was a little worried about
winning that case myself
because that durned cow came
home this morning!"
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Subj: Farmer
And Truck Driver Have An Accident (S31, S545b)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #186 on 97-08-28
and
From: samhutkins on 6/21/2007
Farmer Joe decided his injuries
from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking
company (responsible
for the accident) to court.
In court the trucking
companies fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe.
Didn't you say, at the scene
of the accident, "I'm fine,"
said the lawyer. Farmer
Joe responded, "Well I'll tell
you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details,"
the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had
just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down
the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again
and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact
that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the
scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to
sue my client. I believe
he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the
question."
By this time the Judge was fairly
interested in Farmer
Joe's answer and said to the
lawyer, "I'd like to hear
what he has to say about his
favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded,
"Well as I was
saying, I had just loaded Bessie,
my favorite mule,
into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked my truck right in
the side. I was thrown
into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I
was hurting real bad and didn't
want to move. However,
I could hear ole Bessie moaning
and groaning. I knew
she was in terrible shape just
by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a
Highway Patrolman came on
the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took
out his gun and shot her between
the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across
the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me.
He said, "How are you feeling?"
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Subj: Courting
On The Porch And Watching The Cows
From: humorlist-digest V1 #226 on 97-10-18
YOUNG Claude was courting Mabel,
who lived on an adjoining
farm out west in cattle country.
One evening, as they were
sitting on Claude's porch watching
the sun go down over the
hills, Claude spied his prize
bull doing the business on one
of his cows. He sighed
in contentment at this idyllic rural
scene and figured the omens
were right for him to put the
hard word on Mabel.
He leaned in close and whispered
in her ear, "Mabel, I'd
sure like to be doing what that
bull is doing."
"Well heck Claude, why don't
you?" Mabel whispered back. "It
is YOUR cow."
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Subj: Farm
Boy, His Gal And His Rope
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #221 on 98-01-07
There was a Gal who wanted to
marry a farmer boy. One day
she went to his parents' house
for dinner. When they got
done eating dinner, they decided
to go for a walk through
the pasture. While they
were walking they came upon these
2 horses that were mating.
She looks at them with wonder
because she's never seen any-
thing like this before so she
asks the boy, "What are they
doing?"
He says "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing his sticking in there?" She ask.
"Oh, uh, thats his rope." he answered.
"Well, what are those two round
things on the other end?"
she ask.
He says "Those are his knots."
She says "Oh, ok I got it."
As they continue their stroll, They come to a barn and go in.
She looks at him and says, "I
want you to make love to me
the way those animals were."
Surprised and excited he agrees.
While their getting at
all hot and heavy, she grabs
his balls and squeezes.
"Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.
She replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!"
\\\//
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| Subj:
A Christmas To Remember (S569)
From: rfslick on 12/12/2007 (in Christmas4) Picture
from Art.com...
|
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| Smiley the Farmer from
Smiley_Central |