Subj: Farmer2 Jokes (Gz-m4)
(Includes 35 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Farmer-Supp
Fertilizer from
Animation Factory
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Subj: Farmer2 Jokes (Gz-m4) (Includes 35 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Farmer-Supp
|
|
Fertilizer from Animation Factory |
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| Subj:
The Farmer's Daughter (S589c)
From: tom on 4/26/2008 |
 |
You can watch this cute, dirty
movie and song on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: The
Half-Wit (S537)
From: SCOTCOB on 5/6/2007
A man owned a small ranch in
New Mexico. An agent of the
New Mexico Wage & Hour Board
dropped by, on a routine check
to see if he was paying proper
wages to his help. 'I need a
list of your employees and how
much you pay them,' said the
agent.
'Well,' replied the rancher,
'There's my ranch hand who's
been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $600 a week plus free
room and board. Then there's
the cook. She's been here
for 18 months, and I pay her
$500 per week plus free room
and board.'
'Finally there's a half-wit who
works 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of all the
work around here. He makes
about $30 a week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of bourbon every
Saturday night.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me.' replied the rancher.
\\\//
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Subj: Farm
Boy Overturns Wagon (S522c)
From: drgolfmd on 1/19/2007
A farm boy accidentally overturned
a wagon of corn on the
road. A nearby farmer
saw the accident and went over to
have a look and found the boy
trying to right the tipped
wagon. “Hey Willie,” the
farmer said. “Forget your
troubles for a spell, its late,
come have dinner with us.
I’ll help you with that wagon
after we eat.”
“That’s mighty nice of you, but
Pa won’t like that,” Willie
replied.
“Aw, come on son. Take a break,” the farmer insisted.
“Well, okay,” the boy finally agreed. “But Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty meal, Willie thanked
the farmer. “I feel a
lot better now, but I just know
that Pa will be upset.”
“Nonsense,” the farmer said. “Where is your pa anyway?”
“Under the wagon.”
\\\//
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Subj: Farmer
Buys A Milking Machine II (S441)
From: JokeCentral.com on July5,2005
Source: http://www.jokecenter.com/jokes/Misc/6362.htm
(See 'Farmer
Buys A Milking Machine' in COWS AND SHEEP)
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when
his wife was out of town,
he decided to test it on himself
first. So, he inserted his
penis into the equipment, turned
the switch on and . . .
everything else was automatic!
Soon, he realized that the equipment
provided him with as
much pleasure as his wife did.
When the fun was over, though,
he quickly realized that he
couldn't remove the instrument
from his penis.
He read the manual but didn't
find any useful information.
He tried every button on the
instrument, but still without
success.
Finally, the farmer decided to
call the supplier's Customer
Service Hot Line. "Hello, I
just bought a milking machine
from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it
from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer
service rep, "the
machine was programmed to release
automatically once it's
collected two gallons of milk."
\\\//
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Subj: Charges
For Servicing A Cow (S410)
From: JokesUncut on 11/23/2004
A young farm-girl answers the
door and sees an older
neighbor standing there.
"My paw ain't home," the young
girl says, "but I know what
you want and I am sure I can
help you. You want our
bull to service your cow. Well,
my paw charges one hundred and
fifty dollars fer his best
bull."
"That's not I want," growled the neighbor
"We also have a young bull who
is just starting out. My
paw charges one hundred dollars
fer him," she replies.
"That's not I want either," growls the neighbor.
"Well then, we have an old bull
out in the pasture. He
can still do the job.
My paw charges only fifty dollars
fer him." she informs him.
"That's not what I want at all.
I came here to see your
pa about that-there brother
o' your'n. Your brother
Elmer made my daughter pregnant,"
the neighbor hisses.
"Oh. I guess you'll have to see
my paw about that then,
'coz I don't know what he charges
fer Elmer."
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Kenny Roger's Lucille (S595b in Mus-supp2)
From: YouTube.com on 6/18/2008 |
I went to a bridge tournament
in Sonoma in June of 2008
and played against a feisty,
old lady name Lucille. For
two days this Kenny Roger's
song has been rolling around
in my head. Hope you enjoy
this page as much as I do.
You can see and hear Kenny's
song at the above source,
or on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Settling
The Will Of A Missouri Farmer (S405b)
From: DafterLafter on 10/21/2004
A Missouri farmer passed away
and left 17 mules to his three
sons. The instructions left
in the will said that the oldest
boy was to get one-half, the
second oldest one-third, and the
youngest one-ninth. The three
sons, recognizing the difficulty
of dividing 17 mules into these
fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument,
hitched up his mule and
drove out to settle the matter.
He added his mule to the 17,
making 18. The oldest therefore
got one-half, or nine, the
second oldest got one-third,
or six, and the youngest son got
one-ninth, or two. Adding up
9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle,
having settled the argument,
hitched up his mule and drove
home.
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Subj: Farmer
Explains Mad Cow Disease (S364)
From: DoctorDebt on 1/16/2004
A female TV reporter interviewed
a farmer living just outside
Dubuque, Iowa to find the main
cause of the Mad Cow Disease.
It went something like this.
The Lady: Good evening, sir.
I am here to collect information
on the possible source of Mad
Cow Disease. Can you offer any
reason for this disease?
The Farmer stared at the reporter
and said: Do you know that
a bull mounts a cow only once
a year?
The lady reporter (obviously
embarrassed): Well, sir, that's
a new piece of information,
but what's the relation between
this phenomenon and Mad Cow
disease?
The Farmer: And, madam, do you
know that we milk a cow twice
a day?
The reporter: Sir, this is really
valuable information, but
what about getting to the point?
The Farmer: I am getting to the
point, madam. Just imagine,
if I was playing with your tits
twice a day and only screwing
you once a year, wouldn't you
get mad?
\\\//
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Subj: Rural
Wisdom (S346)
From: RFSlick on 9/15/2003
Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse
high, pig tight,
and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you
run, or how high you climb,
but how well you
bounce.
Keep skunks, insurance salesmen,
lawyers and bankers
at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is, she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip in the cow pond with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness doesn't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are
doing, look at their barns,
not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a
kid or an animal,
it just ain't helpful.
Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their minds.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't chase anything meaner than yourself into a corner.
You can catch more flies with
honey than vinegar,
that is assuming
that you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels
the need to label things
as flowers or weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel statement.
Every path has some puddles.
Never wallow in the pigpen with
the pigs. You'll just get
dirty, and the
pigs like it.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry
about, never happens anyway.
From: LabLaughs.com on 7/2/2005
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life.
Then when you get older
and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin'
that ain't botherin'
you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll
probably ever have to
deal with, watches you
from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag
is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back
in.
If you get to thinkin' you're
a person of some
influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
Live simply. Love generously.
Care deeply. Speak
kindly. Leave the
rest to God.
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Subj: Poem
About Farmer's Troubles (S325)
From: DafterLafter on 4/21/03
My wife just left, and the well
went dry.
My horse is sick and about to
die.
Then my still blew up and the
barn burned down,
and the road washed out on the
way to town.
Then my dog got rabies and bit
the cat,
and they both died soon after
that.
Now I lost my specs, and my
pipe-stem broke,
so I can't even sit and read
and smoke.
A tree fell on the chicken shed,
and most of the hens got smashed
plumb dead.
Then a chimney fire took half
of a wall,
and this old shack is about
to fall.
Then I caught my heel on an
old dead vine,
and sat smack dab on a porcupine.
Then a beaver dam broke and
my bridge washed out,
and my watch stopped working
and I've got the gout.
And the bank foreclosed, so
I've lost my place,
and my cow disappeared without
a trace.
They cut off my credit at the
grocery store,
and I lost my job and a whole
lot more.
I must have been hexed by a
triple curse,
as things keep going from bad
to worse.
And now fate has hit me a last
dirty crack,
to top off the worst - my wife's
coming back!
\\\//
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Subj: Carnation
Milk Contest (S312b, S576c)
From: gheckman on 1/21/2003
and
From: tom on 1/21/2008
A woman had been married to a
farmer all of her life.
They had cows and horses on
their farm and also grew
a number of crops for sale at
the local farmers market.
While shopping at the local grocery
store for a few
items that she and her husband
did not raise or grow
for themselves, she came across
a contest form while
in the store.
So she completed the jingle and
mailed it off to the
Carnation Milk Company in an
effort to win a cash prize
which had been offered for the
best entry regarding
those little cans of milk found
on grocery shelves.
Carnation had furnished the first
line of the jingle
with these words: "I like Carnation
best of all ..."
and the submitter had only to
complete the remainder
of the jingle on their entry
form. Each contestant
could only use 50 words or less.
A couple of months later, the
woman was surprised when
a Carnation Milk representative
came to her door and
told her that her entry was
the best one submitted.
However it was unfortunate that
the company could not
publish it.
In lieu of that later fact, they
had decided that her
entry was worth at least a consolation
award and
provided her with company check
in the amount of
$1,000 for her creativity.
Here is her entry:
"I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to
haul
No barns to clean, no hay to
pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son
of a bitch."
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Subj: Rich
Visit Poor Farm (S306)
From: ICohen on 12/9/2002
One day a father of a very wealthy
family took his son on
a trip to the country with the
firm purpose of showing his
son how poor people can be.
They spent a couple of days
and nights on the farm of what
would be considered a very
poor family.
On their return from their trip,
the father asked his son,
"How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"Oh Yeah" said the son.
"So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered, "I saw that
we have one dog and they
had four. We have a pool
that reaches to the middle of
our garden and they have a creek
that has no end. We have
imported lanterns in our garden
and they have the stars at
night. Our patio reaches to
the front yard and they have
the whole horizon. We
have a small piece of land to live
on and they have fields that
go beyond our sight. We have
servants who serve us, but they
serve others. We buy our
food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our
property to protect us, they
have friends to protect them."
With this the boy's father was
speechless. Then his son
added, "Thanks dad for showing
me how poor we are."
Too many times we forget what
we have and concentrate on
what we don't have. What
is one person's worthless object
is another's prize possession.
It is all based on one's
perspective. Makes you
wonder what would happen if we all
gave thanks for all the bounty
we have, instead of worrying
about wanting more. Take
joy in all you have, especially
your family and friends.
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Subj: Farmer
Not Raising Hogs (S286b)
..........From:
dogbyte on 7/19/2002
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington,
D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over
at Wells Iowa, received a
check for $1,000 from the government
for not raising hogs.
So, I want to go into the "not
raising hogs" business next
year.
What I want to know is, in your
opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs
on, and what is the best
breed of hogs not to raise?
I want to be sure that I
approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental
policies. I would prefer
not to raise razorbacks, but
if that is not a good breed
not to raise, then I will just
as gladly not raise Yorkshires
or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part
of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory
of how many hogs I haven't
raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very
joyful about the future of
the business. He has been
raising hogs for twenty years
or so, and the best he ever
made on them was $422 in 1968,
until this year when he got
your check for $1000 for not
raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising
50 hogs, will I get $2000
for not raising 100 hogs?
I plan to operate on a small
scale at first, holding myself
down to about 4000 hogs
not raised, which will mean
about $80,000 the first year.
Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs
I will not raise will not
eat 100,000 bushels of corn.
I understand that you also
pay farmers for not raising
corn and wheat. Will I
qualify for payments for not
raising wheat and corn not
to feed the 4000 hogs I am not
going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not
milking cows" business,
so send me any information you
have on that too.
In view of these circumstances,
you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan
to file for unemployment
and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Dogbyte
P.S. Would you please notify
me when you plan to
distribute more free cheese.
\\\//
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Subj: Insured
Barn Burns Down (S183)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/31/00
Bill's barn burned down, and
his wife Polly called the
insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company,
"We had that barn insured
for fifty thousand, and I want
my money."
The agent replied, "Hold on just
a minute, Polly. Insurance
doesn't work quite like that.
We will ascertain the value of
what was insured and provide
you with a new barn of comparable
worth."
There was a long pause before
Polly replied, "Then I'd like
to cancel the policy on my husband."
\\\//
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Subj: Farmer
Buys Too Much Stuff (S166)
From: thebartend on 04/04/2000
(Also see 'Carrying Bucket,
Anvil, 2 Chickens,
and
a Goose' in Elderly2-Supp
One day, farmer Jones was in
town picking up supplies for his
farm. He stopped by the
hardware store and picked up a bucket
and an anvil, then stopped by
the livestock dealer to buy a
couple of chickens and a goose.
Now he had a problem: how to
carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said,
"Why don't you put the anvil
in the bucket, carry the bucket
in one hand, put a chicken under
each arm and carry the goose
in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!"
the farmer said, and off
he went.
While walking he met a fair young
lady with rather large
beautiful breasts. She
told him she was lost, and asked,
"Can you tell me how to get
to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The
farmer said, "Well, as a matter
of fact, I'm going to visit
my brother at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane.
Let's take a short cut and go
down this alley. We'll save
half the time to get there".
The fair young lady said,
"How do I know that when we
get in to the alley you won't
hold me up against the wall,
pull down my skirt and ravish
me?"
The farmer said, "I am carrying
a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall
and do that?"
The young lady said, "Set the
goose down, put the bucket
over the goose, put the anvil
on top of the bucket, and
I'll hold the chickens.
\\\//
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Subj: Small
Town
From: RFSlick on 2/18/00
You know you are from a small town if...
** You can name everyone you
graduated with.
** You know what 4-H is.
** You ever went to parties
at a pasture, barn, or in the
middle of a dirt
road
** You used to drag "main."
** You said the 'f' word and
your parents knew
within the hour.
** You schedule parties around
the schedule of different
police officers,
since you know which ones would bust
you and which ones
wouldn't-same goes with the game
warden.
** You ever went cow-tipping
or snipe hunting
** School gets canceled for
state events.
** You could never buy cigarettes
because all the store
clerks knew how
old you were (and if you were old they'd
tell your parents
anyhow).
** When you did find someone
old enough and brave enough to
buy cigarettes,
you still had to go out to the country
and drive on back
roads to smoke them.
** You were ever in the Homecoming
parade.
** You have ever gone home for
Homecoming.
** It was cool to date someone
from the neighboring town.
** You had senior skip day.
** The whole school went to
the same party after graduation.
** You don't give directions
by street names or directions
by references (turn
by Nelson's house, go two blocks east
Anderson's, and
it's four houses left of the track field).
** The cc golf course had only
9 holes
** You can't help but date a
friend's ex-girlfriend
** Your car stays filthy because
of the dirt roads, and you
will never own
a dark vehicle for this reason
** You think kids that ride
skateboards are weird
** The town next to you is considered
"trashy" or "snooty",
but is actually
just like your town
** Getting paid minimum wage
is considered a raise
** You refer to anyone with
a house newer than 1980 as the
"rich people"
** The people in the city dress
funny, then you pick- up on
the trend two years
later
** You bragged to your friends
because you got pipes on your
truck for your
birthday
** Anyone you want can be found
at either the Dairy Queen or
the feed store
** You see at least one friend
a week driving a tractor
through town
** Football coaches suggest
that you haul hay for the
summer to get stronger
** Directions are given using
"the" stop light as a reference
** The city council meets at
the coffee shop
** Your letter jacket was worn
after your 19th birthday
** You have ever taken a trailer
or dog to school
on a daily basis
** Weekend excitement involves
a trip to a Wal-Mart
** Even the ugly people enter
beauty pageants.
** You decide to walk somewhere
for exercise and
5 people pull over
and ask if you need a ride
** Your teachers calls you by
your older siblings names
** Your teachers remember when
they taught your parents
** You can charge at all the
local stores
** The closest McDonald's is
45 miles away
** So is the closest mall
** It is normal to see an old
man riding through town
on a riding lawn
mower
** You laugh your butt off reading
this because you know
they're all true
and forward it to everyone who lives
in your town! (because
you know them all!)
\\\//
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Subj: The
Widow Farmer & The Gay Ranch Hand (S157 & S354)
From: thebartend on 02/02/2000
and
From: RFSlick on 11/8/2003
(Also see 'Butler's Night
Off' in BUTLER-MAID file)
There once was a successful rancher
who died and left every-
thing to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the
ranch and make a go of it, but
she knew very little about
ranching, so she decided to
place an ad in the newspaper for
ranch hands. Two men applied
for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk. She thought
long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied, she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring
it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be a fantastic
worker, worked long, hard hours
every day and knew a lot about
ranching. For weeks the two of
them worked, and the ranch was
doing really well. Then one day
the rancher's wife said to the
hired hand, "You have done a
really good job and we've both
done nothing but work for weeks.
The ranch looks great, and I'm
taking Saturday night off and
going into town to kick up my
heels and paint the town red, and
I think you should do the same.
"The hired hand agreed readily,
and Saturday night each went
to town.
The rancher's wife had dinner
and a lot of drinks with friends,
and talked and joked and danced,
and had a great time, getting
home about midnight. The
hired hand wasn't home yet, so she
decided to wait up for him.
One o'clock and no hired hand yet.
Two o'clock and no hired hand
and she began to worry.
At two-thirty in came the hired hand.
The rancher's wife was sitting
by the fireplace and called him
over by her. "Now I'm
the boss," she said, "and you have to do
what I tell you, right?"
"Well, yes," he answered.
"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
He did as she asked.
"Now take off my shoes."
He did.
"Now take off my stockings."
He did.
"Now take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again he did as she asked.
"Now take off my panties."
And again he did what she told him.
Then she looked at him and said;
"Don't ever wear my clothes
to town again."
\\\//
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Subj: Handsome
Man Wants To Marry (S149, S552b)
From: thebartend on 12/06/1999
and
From: rfslick on 8/17/2007
An extraordinarily handsome man
decided he had the God-given
responsibility to marry the
perfect woman so they could produce
children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began
searching for the perfect
woman. After a diligent,
but fruitless, search up and down the
east coast, he started to head
west. Shortly thereafter he met
a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that
positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to
the farmer, asking for permission
to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're
all lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place.
Look them over and select the
one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked
for the man's opinion. "Well"
said the man, " She's just a
weeeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested
the man date one of the other
girls; so the man went out with
the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again
asked how things went. "Well,"
the man replied, "She's just
a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly tell, cross-eyed." The
farmer nodded and suggested he
date the third girl to see if
things might be better. So he
did.
The next morning the man rushed
in exclaiming, "She's
perfect, just perfect!
She's the one I want to marry!" So
they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited nursery
he was horrified. The
baby was the ugliest, most pathetic
human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law
asking how such a thing could
happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not
that you could hardly tell,
pregnant when you met her."
\\\//
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Subj: City
Boy Visits The Farm (S118)
From: thebartend on 5/7/99
A young man from the city went
to visit his farmer uncle.
For the first few days, the
uncle showed him the usual
things- chickens, cows, crops,
etc. After three days,
however, it was obvious that
the nephew was getting bored,
and the uncle was running out
of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea.
"Why don't you grab a gun,
take the dogs, and go shooting?"
This seemed to cheer the
nephew up, and with enthusiasm,
off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
\\\//
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Subj: Farmer
And Young Bride Can't Get Enough Sex (S110, S400)
From: thebartend on 99-03-09
A young farmer couple got married,
and they just couldn't
seem to get enough lovin'.
Just before leaving the house
for the fields at dawn, they
made love, and when the husband
returned home at evening they
had another go.
Both before and after supper,
and then again a few more times
during the night. The
problems only happened during the day.
The fields were far away from
the house and the young man lost
half an hour each time traveling
home and back again at noon.
Finally he decided to consult
a friend, the town's doctor,
about what to do.
"Easiest thing in the world,
Homer" said the doctor. "You
take your rifle out with you
every day don't you? Well, when
you feel like you're in the
mood for some lovin', just fire a
shot into the air as a signal
to your wife, for her to come
out to you. That way you
won't lose any workin' time."
Homer tried his friend's solution
and it seemed to work pretty
well for a while. One
day though, the doctor stopped by the
house to pay a visit and he
noticed Homer sitting alone inside
looking very somber.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Didn't
my idea work? Where's your
wife?"
"Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever
I got in the mood I fired
off a shot like you said, and
Beckie'd come runnin'. We'd find
a secluded place and make love.
Then Beckie'd go back home."
"So what's the problem?"
"Well I think I over did it,
Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of
Beckie since hunting season
got started..."
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Subj: Farmer's
Horse Won't Breed (S357)
From: LABLaughs.com on 11/13/2003
A farmer was having trouble getting
his horses to breed. He
had tried everything and was
at his wits end. Finally one
day he called the local Vet.
The Vet told him to rub the
male nose into the female horse...
He would get the scent
of her and breed. Sure
enough the farmer rubbed the male
horses nose into the female
and he hopped right on.
That evening the farmer was thinking
about his own trouble
in the sex department.
So that night after him and his wife
were laying in bed, he reached
down underneath the covers
and rubbed on his wife and then
rubbed his nose. To his
amazement he got his first hard-on
in years.
He yelled out to his wife..."honey
look!!! look!!!" His
wife turned on the light disgusted
and said "You woke me
up to tell me you had a bloody
nose?"
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Subj: Farmer
Gets Help For Impotent Bull (S76, S441)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #259 on 98-07-14
A rancher in Argentina, way before
the existence of Viagra,
had a prize Charolais bull that
stopped performing. The
rancher when to a local veterinarian,
who gave him some
pills to give to the bull.
Results were astonishing: the
bull pursued and mounted
every receptive cow he could
find, and several times a
day. After four months,
the bull again stopped breeding.
Since the old veterinarian had
moved away, the rancher
when to a new vet.
He tried to describe the pills,
but could not remember the
brand. "Can you remember anything
at all about those pills?",
asked the vet.
"No," replied the rancher, "but they did taste like almonds...."
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Subj: Farmer
Serves On A Jury (S50 & S361)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #221 on 98-01-07
(Also see 'Farmer
Buys A Milking Machine' in COWS)
A farmer was called to serve
on jury duty. During the
questioning of prospective jurers
the prosecuting attorney
asked the farmer if he could
convict someone on circum-
stantial evidence.
The farmer responded, "No way in hell could I do that!!"
The attornery asked why he was
so adamant in his answer.
He replied that he once had
a very bad experience with
circumstantial evidence.
The attorney asked him to explain.
"Well sir," the farmer began,
"I was out in the barn milking
ole' Bessie one hot day and
as I was milking her she kicked
over the milk pail with her
right front foot. The milk
soaked my overalls and underwear,
so I took them off, rinsed
them out in the water trough
and hung them out to dry.
"Then, I got a piece of rope
and tied her right foot to the
floor. I sat back down
and starting milking again and the
silly cow kicked over the pail
with her left front foot. So
I tied that one down to the
floor as well. She then proceeded
to kick over the pail with each
of her back feet so I tied
both of them to the floor...
"Well, I thought I things under
control until she whipped her
tail around and slapped me right
in the face. Very annoyed
at her antics, I moved my stool
behind her, stood up on it,
and as I was in the process
of tying her tail to one of the
rafters, wearing nothing but
my T-Shirt and boots and my
wife walked into the barn!!
"No Sir!! I do not believe in circumstantial evidence!
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Subj: Short
Farmer Jokes
| Subj:
The Rancher And The Deer (S581b)
From: gordonschuk (in Other-Animals) on 3/2/2008 |
 |
Top
Subj: Farmer
Has Fertilizer For Strawberries (S334b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/22/2003
A farmer was driving along the
road with a load of
fertilizer.
A little boy, playing in front
of his house, saw him
and called, "What've you got
in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the
little boy advised him.
"We put sugar and cream on ours."
 |
Subj:
The Weathered Old Barns (S450)
From: Dickschu on 8/26/2005 |
Top
Subj: The
Salesman And The Farmer
..........From:
ossama on 98-07-24
A tired salesman is driving
down a country road and comes
upon a farm house. He
decides to go and ask the farmer
if he can spend the night.
The farmer says sure you can
spend the night but you'll have
to share a room with my
son. The salseman decides
to leave and says I'm in the
wrong joke.
| Subj:
Sketch Of A Farmer (S440b)
From: LabLaughs.com on 7/2/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Farmer's
Wife Asked About Sex (S182)
From: thebartend on 7/28/00
A man walked up to a farmer's
house and knocked on the door.
When a woman opened the door,
the man asked if she knew how
to have sex. Not amused,
she slammed the door. Again, the
man knocked, and again asked
the same question.
Again, not amused, she screamed,
"Get the hell away!". Later,
she told her husband of the
incident. He said he would stay
home the following day just
in case.
Sure enough, the next day the
same man returned. The husband
hid with his gun while the lady
answered the door. When she
was asked again if she knew
how to have sex, she said, "Yes".
The man replied, "Great! Give
some to your husband the next
time you see him, and tell him
to stay the hell away from my
wife!!!"
Top
Subj: Cripes
(S119)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #300 on 5/15/99
My wife's from the Mid-west.
Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words
like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake.
Who would that be, Jesus Cripes?
The son of 'Gosh?' of
the church of 'Holy Moly'.
I'm not making fun of it. You
think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
From LAWS file.
In Raleigh, North Carolina, before
a man asks for a woman’s
hand in marriage, he must be
“inspected by all the barnyard
animals on the young woman’s
family’s property, to ensure a
harmonious farm life.”
One of the reasons marijuana
is illegal today because cotton
growers in the 30s lobbied against
hemp farmers -- they saw
it as competition. It
is not chemically addictive as is
nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
There's this Aussie farmer visiting
a new zealand farm, and
in a back paddock he comes across
a New Zealander screwing
a sheep. The farmer says
"Hey mate - in our country we
shear our sheep" and the New
Zealander replies "get Stuffed
- I'm not shearing this sheep
with anyone.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words,
the Gettysburg Address is 286
words, there are 1,322 words
in the Declaration of Independence,
but government regulations on
the sale of cabbage total 26,911
words.
From: grs on 98-04-05
If a parsley farmer is sued,
can they garnish his wages?
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/29/2006 (S472b
- church-supp)
On Saturday night most virile
young men go out to
sow their wild
oats.
And then go to Church the next day
to pray for
a crop failure
!!.
Neal's Nasty Free Filthy Daily Dirty
Joke For 3/4/97
Q: Why did the rooster go to
the basketball game?
A: He heard that sometimes the
ref blows fouls.
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/16/2004
(S412b)
Q: What do you call a bunch
of tractors parked
in front of a McDonalds
on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.
\\\//
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 |
Smiley the Farmer from
Smiley_Central |