job stuff

>>>
Subj: Job Related Stuff (Gz)
(Includes 25 jokes and articles)

Click "Here" for Job-Stuff-Supp

Also see ACCIDENT1    - 'The Bricklayer'
         BANKING file - 'Identity Theft - NOT A Joke'
         BANK-SUPP    - 'Cancel Your Credit Cards Before You Die'
         BATHROOM file- 'How To Poop At Work:'
         BATHROOM-SUPP- 'The Fly in the Armsterdam Urinal'
         BIRDS file   - 'Blue Bird Sings Inside Manure'
         BIRDS-DUCK   - 'Duck And The Feed Store'
         BUGS_ETC file- 'Teaching About Worker Ants'
         CARS-SUPP    - 'Toyota Vs Ford'
......................- 'Reason I'm Late For Work'
         CATS1 file   - 'Here Kitty, Kitty...Kitty'
         CHEMISTRY    - 'Scientists Discover New Element'
         CHURCH-SUPP - 'Three Young Men Sell Bibles'
         CLOTHING file- 'High Heel Evidence'
......................- 'Store Sells Ugly Suit'
         COLLEGE2 file- 'Business Student Earns A 'C''
         CONDOM file - 'Condom Factory Tour'
......................- 'Buying A Condom From A Young Woman'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Doctor Gets Nurse Pregnant'
         FARMER2 file - 'Carnation Milk Contest'
         FISHIHG file - 'Blind Fishing Salesman'
         FOOD_ETC2    - 'The New Supermarket'
         JOBS3 file   - 'Resumes And Cover Letters'
......................- 'Resume Bloopers'
         HEADLINES-ADS- 'International Marketing Ads'
.........HELL file    - 'Consultant Picks Between Heaven And Hell'
         HOSPITAL2    - 'Organ Donor Fired'
         HOOKER2 file - 'Work For Pay'
         ITALIAN file - 'Italian Buisness School'
......................- 'Moishe Goes To Italy'
         LAWS file    - 'Murphy's Laws of Work'
         LETTERS1 file- 'Great Resignation Letter'
         MARRIAGE2    - 'Husband Buys Lingerie For Wife'
         MARRIAGE4    - 'Your Home'
         MONKEY file - 'Organizational Theory'
         NATIVE AMERIC- 'The Wisdom of a Navajo Woman'
         OTHER-ANIMALS- 'Professional Competency Test'
         OTHER OCCUP - 'The Wal-Mart Greeter'
......................- 'Texas Pharmacy Sells Drugs At Cost'
         POLITICAL-PCS- 'Over Qualified'
         QUOTES3 file - 'Quotes From The Workplace'
......................- 'More Quotes From The Workplace'
         SEX3 file    - 'Statistical Findings On Sex:'
         THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Procrastinator's Creed'
         WAITER-ETC   - 'Indian Carrying Shotgun And Manure Wants Coffee'
============================================================Top
Subj:     The GIF - Office Essentials (S428)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 4/11/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050402

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Subj:     The Dilemma (S308)
          From: gheckman on 12/27/2002

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people
waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or woman) you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that
there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...

This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually
used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to
    die, and thus you should save her first;
Or you could take the old friend because she once saved
    your life, and this would be the perfect chance to
    pay her back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream
    lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had
no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let her
take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and
wait for the bus with the man/woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our
stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think
Outside of the Box." However, the correct answer is to
run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have
sex with the perfect man/woman against the bus stop and
drive off with the old friend for some beers.

From: pns@earthlink.net on 8/7/2003
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her
out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against
the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some
beers.

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Subj:     Stock Prices (S314)
          From: cappucid on 2/7/2003

Stock Market Report ---

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their
slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca-Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt
to recharge the market.

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Subj:     Stock Market Terminology (S305b)
          From: RFSlick on 12/3/2002

These terms have been updated to fit today's times:

CEO: chief embezzlement officer.

CFO: corporate fraud officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor
to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets
no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors Pissing their
pants as the market keeps Eroding.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD ? POOR -- Your life in a nutshell

STOCK ANALYST! -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker
who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

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Subj:     Stock Watch (S291)
          From: ICohen on 8/28/2002

Normally I avoid discussing any advice received from our
broker, but I felt this is important enough to share and
warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be
yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following
stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company,
Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit
tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of
your gas.

You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched
a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a
tough market out there. Be careful.

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Subj:     Girl Sells On The Beach (S288b)
          From: RFSlick on 7/26/2002

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a
lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach
pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the
travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would
approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the
people would respond negatively and she would wander off,
but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a
quick exchange of money and something she carried in
her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and
debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for
sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you
ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom
boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want
you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on
the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was
almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw
the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No,
she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he
should have. "Well, What is it, then? What does she do?"
his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

Are you ready for this?

Now this is going to kill you. . .
Scroll down...

You're gonna hate me for this....

Don't say I didn't warn you....

SHE SELLS "C" CELLS BY THE SEASHORE!!!

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Subj:     The New "Family Pack" Hefty Bags (S275)
          From: jerry on 5/6/2002

The new "Family Pack" Hefty Lawn ? Leaf Bags come 38 bags
in a box. They used to come 40 bags in a box. Yet the
newer box with 2 fewer bags has a big yellow star proclaiming
"Now more bags!"

What the??? How does this add up?

According to a spokesperson at Pactiv Corporation, the
maker of Hefty bags, they perform this magic by having
declared one day that the new "Family Pack" size would
be 35 bags, instead of 40 bags, and then, quicker than
you can say, "where's my money?," they bumped the "Family
Pack" size to 38 bags therefore, they say, permitting
them to boast that they've added three more bags to the
"Family Pack."

No change in price either, by the way, in case you don't
yet feel completely irritated.

Consumer Reports - June, 2002

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Subj:     Human Resource Dictionary (S241)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/10/2001

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position
has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a
legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without
the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what
they want and do it.

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Subj:     Tips For Working Hard (S238b)
          From: JokeCenter.com on 08/24/01
          at http://www.jokecenter.com/joke.cfm?id=6888

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard (Rated PG)

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your
hands. People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People
with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the
cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like
they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating
the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,
it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send
and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and
generally have a blast without doing anything remotely
related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits
that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to
talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by
your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is
to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean
desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working
hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your
workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same
as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high
and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle,
bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing
stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice
mail. People don't call you just because they want to give
you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU
to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your
calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail
message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond
during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks
like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're
being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method
of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when
nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that
the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't
involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever
hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If
your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it
can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One
way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If
that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your
callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry,
this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hard-
working employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George
Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and
annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are
always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,
especially when the boss is still around. You could read
magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but
have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk
past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails
at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during
public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are
many people around, giving the impression that you are very
hard pressed.

8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of
documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor
etc. . . . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer
manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines
and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it
freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They
don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound
impressive.

10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by
mistake!!!

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Subj:     Sales Methods (S235, 484c)
          From: KMACINTY on 7/31/2001
      and From: auntiegah on 4/29/2006

Sales methods explained in 7 easy examples.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,
"I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm
very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich.
Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich.." That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,
"I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your
face. That's Customer Feedback !!!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,
"I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her
husband. That's demand and supply gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
before you say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" she turns her
face towards you ------------ she is your wife! That's
competition eating into your market share

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Subj:     Sales Methods II (S347)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 9/25/2003

WHAT IS PROMOTION AND MARKETING?

"If the circus is coming to town and you paint a
sign saying "Circus Coming to the Fairground
Saturday," that's advertising.

If you put the sign on the back of an elephant and
walk him into town, that's promotion.

If the elephant walks through the mayor's flower bed,
that's publicity.

If you can get the mayor to laugh about it, that's
public relations.

And if you planned the elephant's walk, that's marketing."

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Subj:     Ten Civil Servants (S231b)
          From: coreymac on 6/26/2001

Ten civil servants standing in a line,
One of them was downsized - then there were nine

Nine civil servants who must negotiate,
One joined the union - then there were eight.

Eight civil servants thought they were in heaven,
'Til one of them was redeployed - then there were seven.

Seven civil servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,
But one was reclassified - then there were six.

Six civil servants trying to survive,
One of them was privatized - then there were five.

Five civil servants ready to give more,
But one golden handshake reduced them to four.

Four civil servants full of loyalty,
Their jobs were all advertised - then there were three.

Three civil servants under review,
One left on secondment - then there were two.

Two civil servants coping on the run,
One went on stress leave - then there was one.

The last civil servant agreed to relocate,
Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.

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Subj:     Complaints Department (S395b)
          From: DafterLafter on 8/23/2004
          at http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200407/061.htm

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Subj:     Good Bye Mom.... (S89, S555c)
          From: thebartend on 98-10-16
      and From: ginafm on 9/5/2007

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a
few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front
of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just
like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything
I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye,
Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye,
Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his
total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

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Subj:     Getting A Salesman's Attention (S321)
        From: DafterLafter on 3/23/2003

My husband and I had bought some gadgets for our almost
teen-age grandsons and were leaving the store when we
realized we didn't have batteries. He stepped over to
a counter to get the batteries but couldn't attract the
attention of the clerk. I waited for a little while then
said "I'll get a clerk over here real fast." With that,
I pulled out my pocket tape measure and started measuring
a large TV set. Amazingly, a clerk leap-frogged over
several pieces of furniture to reach my side in jig time.
To his "may I help you?" I said - "Of course. I'll take
8 of those batteries over there.

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Subj:     Salesman Divorces His Wife (DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #249 on 98-05-25

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against
his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that
first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's
fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man
testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive
to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst
of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't
you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

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Subj:     Salesman Needs A Haircut (S66)
          From: RFSlick on 98-04-30

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting,
he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a
barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically,
"but down the hall is a special machine that should serve
your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate
machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the
opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and
surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best
haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read,
"Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted
his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly
manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine
Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives -
cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing
nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants
and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great
anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of
agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling
hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"...

Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

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Subj:     Wanna Buy A Fish Hook? (S29, S434)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-31
      and From: RFSlick on 5/23/2005

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city
department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the
world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start
tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally
5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked,
"How many sales did you make today?".

"One" said the young salesman.

"Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or
30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four
dollars " said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well" said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a
small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really
large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium
one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably
need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and
sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull
it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new
Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment "You
sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook.

"No" answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of
Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "You're weekend's
shot, you may as well go fishing."

Second version
Subj: How To Make A Sale

One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being
trained by his supervisor on his first day as a salesperson
at a large department store. His supervisor was trying to
show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by
making them feel they needed the items. "Watch this," he
said and approached a man who has just entered the store.
"May I help you, sir?"

The man replied, "I just moved into my first house and I
need some fertilizer for my lawn." So the supervisor said,
"Well, we have five and ten pound bags of fertilizer. I
recommend you go with the ten pound bag."

"Why is that?"

"The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer,
but the five-pound bag won't," the supervisor answered.

"Fine," the man agreed, "I'll take the ten-pounder."

"Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the
spring-rake with that?"

"Rake? What do I need that for?"

"Well sir," said the supervisor authoritatively, "if you
don't rake up the old dead grass before you spread the
fertilizer, it won't all reach the soil."

"All right then. I'll get the stiff rake."

"Very good sir. And would you like the fixed sprinkler or
the oscillating sprinkler with that?"

The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly,
"Sprinkler? Look, I just came in here for some fertilizer.
What do I need a sprinkler for?"

Calmly, the supervisor responded, "Well sir, if you water
your lawn immediately after fertilizing, the fertilizer
will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all,
you'll have the greenest lawn in your neighbourhood."

This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the
fixed sprinkler. "OK, then. I'll take all this."

"Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas
mower with that?" asked the supervisor.

Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up
at the supervisor. "LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I
came here was a bag of fertilizer. You've already managed
to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one
good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!"

Calm as ever, the supervisor said, "Well sir, if you get
a lawnmower now, then you'll be all ready to start trimming
your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too
long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and you'll be
the envy of all your neighbours! Besides, they are on sale
this week only, and you're going to need it either way."

Well, the man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted
to get out of there before he bought anything else so at
last he relented. "Fine. I'll get the electric mower, but
that's it!"

"Very good sir. I'll ring that up for you." After the man
had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor
turned to the trainee and said, "So, do you think you could
do that?"

The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor
directed him towards another customer. The trainee approached
the puzzled-looking man and asked, "May I help you sir?"

The man replied, "Yes. I need some tampons for my wife."

Well, the trainee is totally thrown off by this request. He
can't imagine what he could offer the man to go along with
that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought
hard. Suddenly, he had it! "Very good sir. And would you
like the electric or gas mower with that?"

"Mower? What the hell is wrong with you? I came in here
looking for tampons. Why the hell should I get a lawnmower,
too?"

"Well sir, " the trainee answered, "I figure your weekend
is shot, so you might as well cut the grass."

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Subj:     Morris The Salesman (S246)
          From: dogbyte on 10/18/2001

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone" they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone,
anytime, anything!"

"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to
sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them
two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman,
I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company
requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go
back and get urine samples."

Morris was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to
close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets,
one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches
in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine,
and sets them on the desk and says "Here's Mr.Brown's
and this one is Mr.Smith's."

"Thats good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a
state teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a
group policy!"

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Subj:     Selling Half A Grapefruit (S237, S448b)
          Compiled by Max Weinstein on 11/14/94
          From: MEBHARKINS on 8/15/2005

A man walked into the produce section of his local
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The
boy working in that department told him that they only
sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that
the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into
the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole
wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished
his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered
to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you
from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey
players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No kidding???? Who did she play for?"

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Subj:     Mad Employee Plots Revenge (S182)

This guy has been working at the local grocery store for over
two years. When the promotion list goes up and he sees that
the new stock-boy got the cashiers job over him, he becomes
irate. That night, after ten or so beers he and his co-worker
Arty start talking about the bad decision Mr. Boss made. The
conversation turns to murder. In his drunken state, Arty agrees
to kill the new cashier and Mr. Boss for the contents of his
saddened friends pockets. The next day the local papers head-
line read, "Arty chokes two for a dollar at MegaFoods". -- Jafo

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Subj:     How To Attend A Meeting

To really succeed in a business or organization, it is some-
times helpful to know what your job is, and whether it
involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you
should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my
job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant
governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do
crossword puzzles until retirement.

Most jobs, however, will require some work.

There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:

1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2. Going to meetings.

Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving
primarily #2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because
that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and
good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never
going to get a position of power, a position where you can
cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead
decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.

The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era.
In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it
home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The
problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the
prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact
it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).

At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did
some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to
hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much
warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again
the next day, and the next.

"But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had
not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much
starving. The men agreed that was serious and said they
would put it right near the top of their "agenda". At
this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid,
started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was
born. It never would have happened without meetings.

The modern business meeting, however, might better be
compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a
gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing
and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference
is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also,
nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.

An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at
another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie,
"Night of the Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how
modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that
everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from
their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the
brains of the living.

There are two major kinds of meetings:

1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason
    that Arbor Day is observed - namely, tradition. For
    example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on
    Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to it.
    You'd better, because this kind account for 83% of
    all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down
    numbers until one of them looked about right). This
    type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does
    in nursery school, with everyone getting to say some-
    thing, the difference being that in nursery school,
    the kids actually have something to say.

    When it's your turn, you should say that you're still
    working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working
    on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you'd
    be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on,
    and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that
    is the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would
    be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would
    just say, "Everyone who is still working on what he or
    she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand." You
    would be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for
    jokes.

But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is,
it's how they do it in Japan.

2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These
    are trickier, because what you do depends on what the
    purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like
    someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give
    everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in
    this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate
    fantasies, then take the report back to your office
    and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice
    president, in which case you write the name of a
    subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed
    be a question mark, like this:

    "Bill?" Then you send it to Bill and forget all about
    it (although it will plague Bill for the rest of his
    career).

    But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is
    to get your "input" on something. This is very serious
    because what it means is, they want to make sure that
    in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal,
    you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape
    from the meeting before they get around to asking you
    anything.

    One way is to set fire to your tie. Another is to have
    an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that
    you have a phone call from someone very important, such
    as the president of the company or the Pope. It should
    be one or the other. It would a sound fishy if the
    accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of
    the company, or the Pope."

    You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a
    yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and under-
    line it twice. Now wait until an important person, such
    as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him
    with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he
    is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write
    interlocking rectangles like this:   (picture of doodled
    rectangles).

    If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try some-
    thing like this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a
    caricature of the boss).

    If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else
    leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers,
    right of the street, and have them sit around the sleeping
    person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to
    him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've
    given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your
    sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into."
    Then they should file quietly out of the room.

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Subj:     Changing Company Names (S222)
          From: pns on 4/25/2001

I changed my name to bilk you better by Dave Barry

Several months ago, out of the blue, a company named 'Cingular'
started sending me bills. I had never heard of Cingular, and
I honestly did not know what these bills were for, so I put
them in the pile where I keep documents that I intend to
scrutinize more carefully later on, after my death.

I started seeing TV commercials for Cingular, but of course
they did not make it clear what Cingular is, because the First
Rule of Modern Advertising is: 'Never reveal what you are
advertising.' In the Cingular commercials -- maybe you've
seen them -- these little characters, which look like mutant
starfish from space, walk around and make gestures. It is
not at all clear why they are doing this. It crossed my mind
that maybe they ARE mutant starfish from space, and Cingular
is the name of their home planet, and they've sent bills to
all of humanity, and they are gesturing to indicate that if
we don't pay them, they'll vaporize the earth.

Eventually, I found out that Cingular is the new name of my
cellular telephone company. It used to be named BellSouth
Mobility. Before THAT, I think it was just BellSouth, and
before THAT, it was Southern Bell, and before that, I'm
sure it was several other things. If you go far enough
back, you'd probably find out that at one time, the name
actually included the words ``telephone company,'' so you
could tell, from the name, what it did, which today would
be a serious violation of business ethics.

I paid my Cingular bills, because I need my cellular phone
to communicate vital information ('Hello? Hello? Can you
hear me? I can't hear you. Hello?'). I apparently have a
special cellular plan wherein all my calls are routed
through a Burger King drive-thru intercom in Bolivia. I
envy the people whose cell phones always seem to work --
the people you see in airports, with their phones attached
to earphone/microphone devices, so they can stride around,
gesturing and talking really loud into the air, looking
kind of like Hamlet delivering his soliloquy ('To be, or
not to be, that is the ... Hello?').

My question is: Why do companies keep changing their
names? And why do they always change them to names that
don't MEAN anything? We consumers like names that reflect
what the company does. We know, for example, that
International Business Machines makes business machines;
and Ford Motor makes Fords; and Sara Lee makes us fat.
But we don't know, from the name 'Verizon,' what Verizon
does. As far as I can tell, Verizon consists of some big
telephone companies that joined together. So why couldn't
they call themselves ``An Even Bigger Telephone Company?''

What in the world is ``Accenture?'' This is a company
that buys a LOT of ads, the overall message of which seems
to be: 'Accenture -- A Company That Buys a LOT of Ads.' I
checked the Accenture Internet site, and here's what it
says about the name: 'Accenture is a coined word that
connotes putting an accent or emphasis on the future.'
Swell! I am all for the future! But what does Accenture
DO? What if it sends me a bill? Should I pay it? What
if I don't, and it turns out that 'Accenture' is the new
name for the organization formerly known as 'La Cosa
Nostra?' My body parts would be found in nine separate
Hefty bags. The police would shake their heads and say,
'Looks like he didn't pay his Accenture bill.'

This brings me to my idea for how you can make big money.
You start by inventing a new, modern-sounding company
name, such as 'Paradil' or 'Gerbadigm,' which are coined
words that connote a combination of 'paradigm' and 'gerbil.'
Then you print official-looking invoice forms for this
company, and you send out a mass-mailing of bills for,
let's say, $20.38 apiece, to several million randomly
selected people. You enclose an announcement with a perky
corporate marketing statement that is clearly a lie, and
thus appears totally realistic, such as: 'We've changed
our name to serve you better!'

Granted, some consumers would throw the bill away. But a
LOT of them would pay it, because they're used to companies
suddenly mutating on them. You'd get rich! The only flaw
in this plan is that the postal authorities might question
its legality. If they give you any trouble, refer them to
me, OK? My name is now Enron P. Citigroup.

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Subj:     Friday vs Monday (S459)
          From: chrisdaddyg
          on 11/4/2005

You can view this cute, short, WMV movie on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.

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Smiley at Work from
Smiley_Central

.