jobs1

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Subj: Jobs1 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 23 jokes and articles)

This very funny film can be seen on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
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Subj:     How Careers End: (S126b)
          From: smiles on 6/27/99

- Lawyers are disbarred.
- Ministers are defrocked.
- Electricians are delighted.
- Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
- Drunks are distilled.
- Alpine climbers are dismounted.
- Piano tuners are unstrung.
- Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
- Artists' models are deposed.
- Cooks are deranged.
- Dressmakers are unbiased.
- Nudists are redressed.
- Office clerks are defiled.
- Mediums are dispirited.
- Programmers are decoded.
- Accountants are discredited.
- Holy people are disgraced.
- Pastry chefs are deserted.
- Perfume makers are dissented.
- Butterfly collectors are debugged.
- Students are degraded.
- Electricians are refused.
- Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
- Underwear models are debriefed
- Painters are discolored.
- Spinsters are dismissed.
- Judges are disappointed.
- Vegas dealers are discarded.
- Mathematicians are discounted.
- Tree surgeons disembark.

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Subj:     Types Of Jobs
          From: icohen on 98-10-29

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything
and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and
bayonets all the wounded.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/13/2005 (S455b in Banking)
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to
rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the
things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but
lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane,
because that decreases the chances that there will be
another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't
know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking
for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference
between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document
and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when
a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to
think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your
wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell
in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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Subj:     Reasons For Allowing Drinking At Work (S156, S484)
          From: RobertTompkins on 98-10-06
      and From: gattica30 on 5/3/2006

|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^|
| B u d w e i s e r | |"|"\,____.
|___________________| |_|__|...,]
"(@)(@)""""""(@)(@)"**(@)****(@)I

While this may appear simply as a joke, if you read
carefully below, the logic is actually pretty sound.

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with
     a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think,
     not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if
     you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather
     come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises
     when they have had a couple of drinks
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need
     to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with his or her ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had
     a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on
     their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer
     be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common.

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Subj:     The Corporate Ladder (S84)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #204 on 98-09-01
..........(Also see 'Worker's Favorite Sports' in JOBS3)

When Development Engineers go out together on a weekend
they talk about football.

When Middle management gets together,
they talk about tennis.

When top management are in meetings,
they discusses golf.

The Conclusion - The higher up you are in management,
the smaller your balls are.

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Subj:     Some Thoughts On 'The Boss' (S78)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #180 on 98-07-19

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue
having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no
work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I
said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue
until morale improves."

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good
people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's
unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see
as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would
be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself.
My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery.
He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without
the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task
force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever
gave you the impression your input would have any effect on
my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer
training. Although that qualifies you for upper management,
it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer
intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates
for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her
summer classes.

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Subj:     Female Employee's Mother Dies
          From: smiles on 98-07-17

A woman goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her
boss concerned about all his employees well being asked
sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the woman
replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the
young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't
terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." The
woman very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I
need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of
doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the woman to
work as usual... " If you need anything just let me know."

Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on
the woman...he looks out over his office and sees the woman
hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking" What
is so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

"No..." exclaims the woman, " I just received a horrible
call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!!!"

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Subj:     Beating A Dead Horse (S240b)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-17
      and From: mbucher on 9/5/2001

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are
riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in business we often try other strategies with
dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like, "This is the way we have always
ridden this horse."

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how
they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase
our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in todays environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse
is not dead."

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for
increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the
horse's performance.

15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can
ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an
independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

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Subj:     Garfield On Work (S396)
          From: DafterLafter on 8/24/2004
          at http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200407/068.htm

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Subj:     Coffee w/Milk
          From: ossama on 98-07-13

Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the
campus of UNH. (The University of New Hampshire, for those
not from the East Coast of the U.S.)

Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes,
according to Ian, this actually happened.

Ian is telling the story.

Her: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.
Me: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?
Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
Me: Is there more milk or coffee?
Her: Oh, definitely more coffee.
Me: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.
Her: Just the usual amount of milk.
Me: A coffee with milk.
Her: Yes.

Me: Anything else?
Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee
      with no caffeine?
Me: We do have decaf.
Her: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without
      the caffeine.
Me: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.
Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
Me: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.
Her: Yes it does.
Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?
Her: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it
      must have caffeine.
Me: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we
     only get the decaf milk.
No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

Her: Do you have any bagels?
Vinnie (who has been listening all along): I'm sorry,
ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.
Her: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)
Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.
Her: I guess I'll just have the coffee.

Her: Do you take credit cards?
Me: No ma'am, cash only.
Her: What about visa?
He: Is that a credit card?
Her: Well, yes.
Vinnie: Is it cash?
Her: No.
Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.
Her: What about checks?
Me: Cash ma'am, nothing else.
Her: O.K.

Her: How much is that?
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.
Her: Really?
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business,
plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's
hard to find now, had to grow it myself.
Her: O.K. (proceeds to write a check)

Vinnie: Please leave.
Her: Why?
Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.
Her: But what about my coffee?
Vinnie: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. Seriously.

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Subj:     Monthly Evaluation
          From: auntieg on 98-06-06

Employee Name: Date:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Knowledge: _____ The son of a bitch really knows his shit.
_____ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
   _____ Only half a brain and is dangerous.
   _____ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has a
    higher I.Q.